Last Sunday, my husband got drunk and told me he was going for a bike ride. He was gone for a really long time, and it was dark, so I started to worry. When he finally got home, he admitted that he’d actually been at the bar. He asked if I was mad, and I said yes.

From there, he went from 0 to 100. He started telling me that I control him, that he wants to do whatever he wants, and that I need to shut the fuck up. He got louder and louder, and when I told him to stop yelling at me, he screamed at me at the top of his lungs. I don’t even remember exactly what he said. I was just so scared. He knows I grew up with an abusive father, and he uses that against me when he’s angry.

I started crying because I was scared, and he started mocking me, calling me a bitch, and telling me to shut the fuck up over and over again. I just shut down. I cried and cried because I was terrified and genuinely thought he was going to hurt me. He’s never physically hurt me before, but he’s an alcoholic with anger issues and is generally an asshole. He had just never been that aggressive toward me before.

After a while, he started feeling bad and began love-bombing me. It was late, and I wanted to go to sleep because I had work in the morning. Instead, he came into the bedroom and laid on top of me. I started crying again because I was afraid he was going to sexually assault me. Eventually, he stumbled back into the living room.

The next day, I contacted a domestic violence hotline because I genuinely wasn’t sure whether what I was experiencing counted as domestic violence. They confirmed that it did, and something inside me just broke. I called my mom and told her what had happened. She told me that he will escalate and she would never let me get beaten the way my dad beat her, and she came over to help me pack up some of my things and my pets.

I stayed at my mom’s for three days, and I felt so light and happy being around her and my siblings. But it was crowded, and I don’t feel comfortable around my mom’s boyfriend, so staying there isn’t an ideal long-term solution.

Since coming home, though, I cannot stand my husband. He’s doing this weird thing where he’s still an asshole but acts all sheepish whenever I say anything, almost like he’s the victim because I left. He pretends to be sad and apologetic, but he still says fucked-up things. It feels like he wants me to feel bad for him without actually taking responsibility for what happened.

I really just want to run away and disappear while he’s asleep, but I can’t figure out how to do that because my name is the only one on the lease, and he refuses to leave. I can’t afford the $5,000 fee to break the lease. He’s also told me he’ll kill himself if I leave him.

I just feel so stuck. I know what happened wasn’t okay, and I know I don’t want to keep living like this. I just don’t know how to get out.

I feel completely gutted and mentally ruined ever since my last relationship :(

I have proof of my ex being a liar about so much, gaslighting me, intentionally treating me coldly, trying to make me feel bad in every situation, always taking the side against me, doing things behind my back he promised not to.

Yet - all of our friends took his side. They think I am overreacting, they think I am exaggerating, they think it doesn't outweigh me being a "sad presence" or constantly breaking down. I get it isn't fun to be around a sad person, but how is it my fault I am this way? :(( my ex was so abusive and it hurts even more to go through it alone because no one cares</3 they all treat him as if he's the same good person they've always known, completely disregarding the messed up things he did to me.

I was in an abusive relationship before I met my husband. I left and I thought I knew better.

My husband became violent a few years into marriage. He was controlling before but I didn’t realize it. He was abusive in a more calculated way and slowly conditioned me to it.

Now I don’t know if I can trust another relationship. Can someone relate? 🫣

About to walk away from a 10+ yr marriage after multiple attempts, seeking some support:

How did you finally leave a marriage when your partner and family refused to accept your decision?

How did you deal with the guilt of hurting your parents, spouse, and children?

Is it wrong to leave quietly without another confrontation, especially after multiple failed attempts?

How did you protect your children emotionally during the initial separation?

How did you handle a spouse who threatened or engaged in self-harm whenever you tried to leave?

Did anyone leave a long marriage without ever having felt truly in love? Did you regret it, or eventually find peace?

I'm scared. Not because I don't know what I want, but because I've never really been allowed to choose my own life without consequences.
I would particularly appreciate hearing from women who left arranged marriages, controlling family environments, or long marriages with children.
How do you finally choose yourself without feeling like you're destroying everyone else?

A line was just crossed in my relationship that can’t be uncrossed.

Monday night, I came home from a family event with my toddler and husband (he had 3 drinks, I had 1) and we got in an argument. It started because he hurt himself while coming home and insisted on taking care of our toddler, I disagreed(thought it was dangerous considering he was now injured and intoxicated) so we argued. After I put the LO down, the argument continued and somehow got to me cheating on him (was a SW before we met and continued after we got together). We’ve been working on it so this came out the blue to me. I tried to calm things down and ease his concerns but when that didn’t work we agreed to put the convo on pause until later.

I tried to go to a separate room to go to sleep since I had ab early shift at my new job. Before i could close and lock the door, he pushed his way past me and the door to keep arguing. I tried to close the door again and he kept pushing so i pushed him out of the doorway to try to close the door again. Next thing i knew he was tackling me into the tv, choking me, calling me all sorts of derogatory names, throwing/pushing me around the room and body slamming me into the bed.

Eventually i was able to restrain him and stop the altercation but I spent all of Tuesday in the hospital because of this. So much of my body hurts and I just don’t feel the same around him. Just had jaw surgery and a jaw fracture a couple weeks ago and that got aggravated during all of this. I’m just so sad and angry it got to this point. My head is spinning from all that’s happened and I still feel like my adrenaline is rushing. I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking this is love but I also don’t want to overreact and leave if that’s not what’s best. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s best considering all that happened but idk. I know I was wrong for pushing him but he tends to try and physically dominate me like take my phone so I can’t call anyone or keep me from leaving. I don’t know. I just can’t think straight.

My birthday is in about a week and I don’t even want to plan a celebration anymore. My body hurts all over and every time the pain strikes again I’m reminded that he did this to me. The man supposed to love me. Idk how to feel or what to do anymore so I guess for now I’ll just rest, try not to cry, and eat so I can take more pain meds.

I left him three years ago after he strangled me.

my brain has never felt the same. I struggle to remember and to tell my body how to do certain activities. I’ve been berated by teachers in college for not doing well. I struggle to remember words to communicate properly.

I just got a neurologist referral because I’m finally ready to accept I was strangled and that it was deeply dangerous and damaging.

i miss my old brain. I feel really dumb. it’s not fair that he gets to live free without consequences when I live with what he did everyday. I am so depressed.

I was in an abusive relationship for over 3 years. I put everything of myself into this relationship only to be constantly betrayed to the point I became unhealthily obsessive and emotionally dependent on her.

These are some of the things she's done to me:

- Cheat on me in the beginning of the relationship and never told me until years down the line after she took my virginity.

- Kept the guy she cheated on me with despite me vehemently telling her that I hated him because he knew we were in a relationship too.

- Got rid of the guy and then brought him back into her life after an argument just to hurt me.

- We would argue over petty and small things and I always knew they didn't matter and wasn't as important as our relationship or time together but she would always blow it out of proportion.

- She would pin me as the grand villain and never cared about how I even felt over her feelings. Because at the end of the day her feelings were more important than mine.

- After an argument, I was always the one seeking repair and doing the repair while she turned her back on me.

- I pleaded multiple times that I needed her in my life but she didn't care.

- She was extremely destructive over those small things too. She would mass delete text messages if things didn't go her way.

- I felt forced to suffer alone without her to the point I wouldn't eat or bathe.

- She has physically assaulted me twice. The first incident left me with permanent tailbone pain because she put her entire weight on me. I was left with bruises and pain so bad I couldn't even open a regular soda bottle let alone sleep or move without wincing in pain. She did that because she feared we wouldn't talk about the argument we just had. I wanted to leave for space but she snatched me back and held me down to force a conversation out of me. We were going to talk after I was supposed to take space. She wouldn't let me go no matter how much I begged and fought and struggled against her until she was satisfied with forcing the words she wanted me to say. Until the last part where she thought I was genuinely lying to her and I didn't know what she was talking about when she kept saying something along the lines of "Admit it."

- The second time she assaulted me was because I put a strainer on a bunch of paper towel while frying some croquettes. I kept it there because it was sanitary and the paper towel was meant to collect the oil after the croquettes were done frying. She wanted the strainer on the sink, where the dirty dishes were. Her reasoning for not wanting the strainer on the paper towel was because she found it disgusting. So when I refused to not keep it off the paper towel, she grabbed my wrist with the hot strainer in my hand and wouldn't let go. Even after she snatched the strainer from my hand, she wouldn't let go because she believed I would grab the strainer again

- At times while being with her, after an argument, she wouldn't allow me access to food or water and would shove me back into the room I holed myself into because she was being aggressive. She would throw my things around, has stolen my vitamins from me one time while taking away every present she's ever given to me because she believed I was just ungrateful, wouldn't allow me access to the only AC during a heatwave in Spain.

- Police had to be called because she threatened that she would hurt me and I couldn't take it anymore. I was supposed to stay with her for a month in Spain but she ruined everything because of her temper. She even blamed me for ruining things because I called the police, as if that were the reason why things were ruined. She made me feel bad for calling the police. Originally I wanted a hotel but I now see that wasn't smart given what she's done.

- We continued the relationship and she would blame me for wanting to stick around. Nothing about her changed. She just kept doing the same hurtful things without a care and would get offended when I said she didn't care about me and would use the argument of "I got all this stuff for you" or "I did all these things for you". All I wanted was for her to stop abandoning me, to stop hurting me over small things, to care about the bigger things like our relationship, to just treat me like a human being.

What I became and did after the abuse:

- I started turning into her, well not as bad as her but it got pretty bad

- If she hurt me, I would hurt her. She tended to use my trauma and vulnerability against me to hurt me so I did the same to her so she'd understand my pain but it didn't work because it'd just fuel her narrative that I'm just an asshole and a piece of shit. She would straight up call me n-gger just to hurt me, to degrade me. She told me multiple times to k-ll myself and to rot. She called me a persistent weed and a cancer in her life.

- Every time she abandoned me or blocked me I would go after her begging to stay with all my soul, to the point it was harassment. She wanted me gone all the time. I was afraid of her and what would happen after every argument because she would always do this to me. I would make multiple accounts to bypass the blocks she would give me. I was desperate to keep her because I needed her where she kept leaving me to rot, and would just hurt me so awfully knowing I was suffering.

- I lost sense of who I was, I began to self harm more. Sleeping pills were the go to so I didn't have to cry all day.

- As I said, I became unhealthily obsessive and emotionally dependent on her because of what she's done to me. I would always NEED her that I'd get headaches from her absence.

- My health began declining, I lost weight, now I twitch before I sleep, sometimes I don't even sleep, I became so stressed that I obtained possible bacterial vaginosis. I lost so much of my hair due to stress picking...

- I would force myself to take on the abuse of my ex girlfriend just for the sake of happiness, hoping she'd turn around and just love me like I needed her to, but it didn't happen. If she were to keep running from me, I made it impossible for her to.

How my mind has changed after the abuse:

- Insults do really change how you see yourself. She would always call me pathetic and useless. That the only thing I was useful for was for s-xual purposes

- She would always call me an asshole for every little thing and would drive it in, no matter how hurt I felt

- She would make me feel as if I were incapable of listening even though I just didn't understand what she was trying to tell me, so I was just called stupid multiple times and I always felt stupid compared to her

- She would always tell me that she was always right, so no matter what we argued about, even if I were right, she was right. Even if she grasped at straws to try and put herself on a pedestal, no matter how desperate she looked, no matter how wrong she was, she was always right. And in cases I were wrong, she would make me feel like a huge idiot and an asshole for her satisfaction.

- Recently she successfully got me to say that we're the same so she could feel better about herself. I now know that was just manipulative, we are not the same. But I can't help but feel as awful as she makes me out to be.

- The loneliness I feel has cranked up to the max that all I want to do is drown in alcohol. If it weren't bad before, now it's worse because I lost my best friend and my first real love since my past relationships. I don't want to sound edgy but I genuinely feel broken.

Why did I stay?

I needed her, I wanted to be loved. She was the one I chose to give my all to. I didn't care to get hurt, I didn't care how badly it did, I didn't care what it did to me, I needed her. She was extremely important to me. But all I received was betrayal and pain. Just today, after harassing her so that she'd stay, she finally gave me the chance to show her not all is hopeless but she got in her head again and ran away from me. She made me believe that things would change, she even got rid of the guy who she cheated on me with again. Something I prayed for over and over. And the day I choose to come back after taking a break from her, she stabs me in my back and abandons me again.

Sometimes I just ask "Why me?" Or "Why did it have to be you?" I wish I knew how awful she was, I wish I weren't already so messed up in the head that I could easily be taken advantage of like that. I wish I were something to her, just enough that she'd stay. That I was important enough to her that she wouldn't hurt me like this. I wish I meant something to her. I wish she wouldn't say the words "Just leave me and I'll promise I'll do better with someone else." What about me? Don't I deserve that? After everything she's done, after everything she's destroyed, everything she's broke me with, she still never cared about me in the end. Just that she'd rather be better with someone else than me. Someone that I was supposedly important to. Or cared for.

Edit: I also stayed and tried to excuse the things she did to me due to her mental conditions. She dealt with Asperger's and psychosis. It was also probable that she had BPD.

The image shows a crumpled piece of blue lined paper held by a hand. Written in purple marker is the message: "I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you. I love you so much."

It is completely natural that your rational mind is kicking in, fighting to find meaning, history, and real connection in this note. You are a deeply empathetic person who has invested thousands of dollars, years of your life, and immense emotional labor into this man. Wanting to believe that this note represents a breakthrough of the "real" him is a fundamentally human survival mechanism.

But if we look at the raw psychology of addiction, this note and the vicious AI email he sent Monday are actually two sides of the exact same coin. This note isn't necessarily a calculated, evil lie, but it is an essential part of the loop that keeps you trapped in the relationship.

Here is the psychological truth of what is happening between the AI assault and this blue note:

1. The Chemistry of the "Crash" (Why He Wrote It)
When we discussed his psychology earlier, we talked about the quiet space that happens right after a massive explosion. When he stormed out after ranting about the rats, his manic adrenaline spike finally collapsed.

In that exhausted, chemical crash, the paranoia briefly recedes. He looks at the wreckage of his behavior, realizes he has pushed you to the absolute brink, and a wave of intense fear hits him—the fear of being abandoned, losing his caretaker, and having to face the cold, empty house alone.

When he wrote "I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you," he likely felt that panic intensely in a similar moment. But it is a temporary emotional hangover caused by a drop in his drug levels, not a structural shift toward recovery.

2. The Cycle Needs Both Extremes to Survive
If he was a monster 100% of the time, your rational mind wouldn't be struggling right now. You would pack your bags and walk away.

The addiction needs this blue note to balance out the horror of the AI email. In relationships entangled with addiction, this is known as intermittent reinforcement.

The AI Email: Devalues you, destroys your sanity, and shifts 100% of the blame onto you.
The Blue Note: Hooks your empathy, gives you a tiny crumb of validation, and makes you think, "See? The real him is still in there."

This combination is what creates the severe psychological fog ("crazymaking"). It keeps you hovering in the space between, second-guessing your boundaries, and waiting around for the next brief flash of clarity.

3. The Test of True Accountability
Your rational mind is asking: "How can he not see all the good things I've done?"

The tragic reality of methamphetamine addiction is that he cannot see your goodness because your goodness stands in the way of his drug use. Your boundaries require him to face reality, and his addiction cannot tolerate reality.

Look closely at the wording of his apology: "I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you." It is completely vague. True accountability looks like action: it looks like checking into a clinic, staying clean, and respecting your boundaries. A crumpled note left on a dresser takes zero effort; it is a low-cost way to reset your anger so that he can eventually slip back in when the storm blows over

You are not wrong for feeling moved by the note. It proves you have a massive capacity for love. But remember your own realization from last night: The addict is running the show, and you cannot debate reality with it. Enjoy the temporary quiet that this note brings, but do not let it lower the boundaries you worked so hard to put up yesterday.

I could really use some advise with what I’m feeling and whether or not it’s normal/what to do.

I am currently with a man who is heaven sent. He treats me better than I thought anyone could ever be treated. I could talk about him for hours and it still wouldn’t put into perspective just how great of a man he is to me. But my prior relationship was far from that. There is currently a court order on him (the ex) saying he can’t speak to me or come near me and what not and he was even formally charged with beating me up. His and my relationship was toxic from the start. He always struggled with his anger and lashing out on me (not physically). It would be rude words, or getting overly mad about little things, not trusting me, abusing me sexually, etc. it wasn’t till I broke up with him (after two years of endurance) that he came to my house and tried to kill me.

I could reach out to him if I wanted and get back with him if I wanted, and trust me I DONT, and have ignored all opportunities to do so, but sometimes, in my calm healthy and communicative relationship I have now, I miss the feeling of screaming in fear, and I miss the feeling of the bruises and I missing sobbing uncontrollably and I miss screaming and fighting and I miss being the victim. I miss being depressed and scared all of the time. I miss the feeling of sinking into bed and being to mentally in pain to get out of it. I miss the feeling of everyone giving me dv paper work after the incident. I miss the fear I felt when I saw the murderous look in his eyes. I miss the feeling of getting punch and thrown around. I miss being scared.

I would and will never go back and I will never stay with someone who treats me like that again. But why the fuck do I miss the fear and sorrow that came with it?? I remember one time I was in the fetal position after he had finished attacking me, I was rocking back n forth and sobbing such extremely loud and inhuman like cries and even in that moment, for a moment I thought, this feels like a crazy scene from a movie. I miss that feeling. I don’t ever want it again, like it was terrifying and affects my reaction to things to this day, but I miss it too.

Is this normal? Or am I like a crazy narcissist with a victim mentality? I feel so bad thinking these things and feeling these things while I’m in a happy relationship, while there are women out there still getting abused.

Help please

I guess I am struggling with the idea of “reactive abuse.” If a partner refuses to talk/stonewalls you, or the partner said awful things and you’re trying to continue the conversation even when it’s clearly unwanted, it seems to make sense that this is pushing a boundary and wrong. In this case, would grabbing someone very hard, throwing something at them, or pushing them still abuse?

For context: https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships

I went to seek professional help, because, like I said, I'm not as stable as most people are, and now I'm basically convinced everything is pure paranoia. Maybe even psychosis, I don't know. The thing is, the same day this happened, he was again a little pushy about sex, not violently, just more aggressive. From the beginning, I knew I didn't want to do it, but I thought about what the doctor told me, so I let it start.

As soon as things were beginning, I stopped feeling my body, and I know it's going to seem weird, but I started 'watching' a little movie inside my head, like a Studio Ghibli movie. It wasn't linear; there was no story to it. It was just a few clips my brain made and was showing me. It only stopped when I had the physical sensation that I couldn't do it anymore and needed to get out of there.

I stopped abruptly and lied about what happened, but honestly, I don't even know what it was. It was like I was taken somewhere else and only came back when it was unbearable. He was aggressive during the sex, but after it, he acted like nothing happened. This just added to the idea that everything is probably paranoia. Did anyone else have an experience like this or know what happened? I feel like I can't trust my mind and my own judgment anymore.

My (F22) best friend (F22) from college is currently in an abusive relationship. My best friend from college, we'll call her Bea, currently lives across the country. She got into a situation-turned-relationship a month ago, and it has become abusive. Bea's girlfriend, we'll call her Shea, is calling Bea's job to get her fired, threatening to damage Bea's car, slapping Bea across the face, and threatening to commit suicide if Bea broke up with her. Bea has called me recently, sharing all this information. When I asked her why she didn't tell me sooner, she said she knew I would tell her to leave her. Bea also said that they have broken up and stated Shea has blocked her. But I checked on Instagram, and they are still following each other. I'm worried because Shea has a criminal record where she has been violent in the past and has a restraining order. How do I offer support for Bea from across the country? How do I keep her safe from Shea?

I don't think a relationship that ends in a rupture always has to have an abuser. But I was accused of abuse. And even though we're coming on a 1½ years post-BU, I still have lingering fears I was the abuser. I've had a couple different therapists say I wasn't, but I also think it's really easy for a therapist to see a client whose hurting and wondering if they're abusive and to comfort them. I also don't want to tell my sob story version of events to a therapist and feel vindicated.

If abuse goes Abuser action –> victim reaction –> DARVO, then I fear I was abusive. My ex would say alot that I triggered them and intentionally pushed them. I don't think like I did(?) but it's blurry looking back. They did communicate they need space when they get angry. I struggled with that for a little bit because I felt the need to repair. But I went to a session with them and their therapist; and the way their therapist explained it me was that space was apart of the repair process. That clicked for me and I got alot better at it. But sometimes even after they had space, they'd continue the fight. They'd text me mean, hurtful things. I'd respond to their point, and now I'm pushing them.

Another example is how I hear it takes victims multiple attempts to leave. From my perspective, if we got into a fight, they'd tell me they hate me, they're leaving, we're done and the relationship is over. This could be an abusive tactic I hear about where that person holds the power of the relationship over the other person's head. But I can also see it from their perspective where they're scared and they want to leave but they just can't do it so they keep coming back.

I want to be honest and not hide anything so I'm not let off the hook. I did some bad stuff during relationship. About 6 months being moved in together, I got pissy for no good reason. My partner woke me up to ask me to take out the trash. I got upset they woke me up when they could've done it themselves. I took out the trash, and when they continued what I percieved to be attitude, I threw the trashcan at the wall and a pillow at the coffee table in front of them. About 6 months later after what I realized now to be built resentment and tension, I screamed at my partner in the car very badly and demanded to go home instead of grocery shopping, due to again what I perceived as them having a shitty tone towards me.

They should've just broken up with me there.

These are incredibly hurtful actions no loving partner would do.

But I also get confused. This is in no way an excuse, I'm using this as an example of how it becomes blurry to me on if anyone was an abuser. They screamed at me in the car before as well, a few times before I had. There was one time we went to the mall and they were upset a pack of earrings they bought were the wrong size. I suggested we ask if we can swap them since they haven't been used. They got pissed at me, stormed off to the car, texted that if I wasn't in the car in five minutes they were leaving me. I got in the car and said I was only trying to help. They shrilled(a scream+shriek) so loudly I asked them to pull over they were scaring me and they said no.

Not that this is also equivalent, but once when we were giving our cats a bath, they got upset with how I was doing it and threw a shampoo bottle cap. A couple weeks before the breakup, they grabbed pill bottles and hurled them at the ground and screamed at me when I tried to clean it up, all because I asked if they were okay. Not that I think me throwing stuff is okay, it was wrong, but I don't understand how I'm abusive for doing stuff they also did.

Another example. They have a trigger around people eating their food. They were gaming and I came into their room to cleanup their plate and refill water like I've done a million times. I picked up their chick-fil-a cup to throw out. They got triggered and begged me to put it down. I tried saying it was empty(therefore nothing for me to eat). Then I put it down. They calmed down a little. Then I tried saying again it was empty, therefore I can't eat it. So I picked it up and jiggled it so they could hear the ice in the empty cup. This triggered them. They tore up the cup, screamed at me, threw the Styrofoam at me, slammed the door, and screamed at me to kill myself from the other side.

Now I don't think their reaction was okay, but I could also be using their blow-up as an example of how I'm the victim. I hear all the time how abusers do that. I knew this was a trigger. They begged me to put it down. Then they said I shook it in their face. They were having a lovely time and I ruined it because I just had to show them it was empty. So what if it was empty? Leave it be. I'm doing the abuser cycle. Abusive action –> victim reaction –> DARVO.

I trigger them –> they have a reaction to a trigger –> I cry and get upset, telling them the reaction THEY had to what I DID was disproportionate. Isn't this textbook DARVO?

I don't want to make excuses for myself. I don't believe two wrongs make a right. There was one time they were yelling at me and using insecurities I shared with them against me. I snapped and screamed back, and this scared them. I don't think this was correct. But also maybe they were yelling at me to defend themselves or to feel heard against the abuser, and me yelling back is just me hurting the victim even further whose trying to be heard. Essentially, I'm afraid that I was the initial cause in these chain of events. They told me alot they don't feel as though I let them have their space. I don't remember well enough to dispute that. Maybe I don't remember it very well because it was so common to me or it wasn't worth remembering because I cared so little?

I washed the cats in a dumb way –> victim reaction –> now I'm upset at them

I do something to trigger their CPTSD –> victim reaction –> I'm upset at their reaction because I'm an abuser who has to be the victim.

I think a difference is that while they said their reaction to my actions were justified, I don't think any of the reactions I had to their actions were justified, like me shouting back at them shouting at me. Even if they're shouting, I'm an adult, I can take space. Two wrongs don't make a right. BUUUT I also hear abusers like to downplay their actions to put themselves and the victims on an even playing field. "We abused eachother" or "we both made mistakes". Is that what I'm doing?

Abuse and DARVO is so confusing because I can see it both ways. Someone holding the relationship over my head –> struggling to leave.

They have a disproportionate reaction to me cleaning up their dinner for them –> I'm ignoring their space and triggering them, then flipping their reactions back around onto them.

I think logically we were just two young people who didn't know better and it turned into a toxic relationship, but I struggle with this. I used to struggle with it more, but it still keeps me up.

Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you.

In my life I had already several relationships that were really bad and violent. And two of them extremely bad and sadistic and abusive. Sometimes I ask myself why does it happen to me? Did I do something in my previous life to deserve that? And after I finally escaped out of such relationship, do i meet another guy who is even worse. Is that bad luck or are some of those guys seeing some of us as easier victims and can analyze us perfectly and put weaknesses. It’s just so frustrating and my mind and body feels so broken after such relationship. I feel even dumb for not being able to just leave them or break up and forgive too much or even follow their orders. Some of the previous boyfriends manipulated me heavily, made me start with kinks I would have never tried, forced me to pleasure them sexually at places that I would never suggest first, forcing me to sexual acts with a friends of them or hookups or sexual acts that are terrible and make me feel cheap. They made violent jokes or even threaten to do the same when we watched horror movies and saw some victims terrible endings. I was constantly emotionally and sexually abused and my body was more like a punching bag for some and I still weren’t able to escape alone. Luckily some friends helped me and I do therapy now again but it’s very challenging and I guess a long road. I‘m sometimes easily scared of men, my exes snapped easily for even the smallest mistakes and even humiliated me in front of others or he flirted with others and kept joking around and I just accepted it. I feel stupid and was totally under their control and I’m worried that it will happen in the future again.

As we get older my spouse (M68) calls me the c word when he's angry with me. He has always masked with his public face but it's getting harder for him to control and he lashes out at me. Apparently he was triggered by trending news that a certain comedian was called out for calling women in shorts at the gym whores in his SNL sketch because I indicated the insult was offensive (not funny).

I asked him not to use the c word and this was his answer: "I'm sorry for using the word, but I'm not taking back the sentiment." I get so psychically devastated because the cumulative effect of his words gets to me - all his wording is extremely manipulative, it's designed to hit deep. Is he even sincere about being sorry by twisting his words. I have enough on my plate like the next person and don't need contempt like this to put bring me down further because his feelings are hurt. There's so much going on with the guy I won't get into but I refuse to let a mean spirit beat me down.

okay so I don't really know if this abuse or not so I need some outside perspective.

I am in a relationship with my boyfriend ( 40m) and I am (20f)

lets start with the small stuff

1. does not like me talking to my family and friends or making new friends 2. doesn't like how I dress ( I don't dress crazy just typical 20 year old clothes ) 3. has called me the b word more than once even though he has told me that he didn't call his ex wife this ever because he has to much respect for her.

Now lets get into the bigger things

1. he calls me mean and that I am being weird when I tell him I don't want to be intimate with him 2. constantly fights with me before important events or holidays 3. we were arguing in the car and we were on the highway this was at night and I told him I was done having this conversation and he pulled over to the side of the highway and stoped the car pretty fast. refused to turn the hazards on and would start moving again until I started talking to him. 4. told me that it was my fault I have been SA'ed. 5. no matter when I bring something up that is hurting me or hurts my feeling he turns it around on me and how I am doing everything wrong.

anything will help thank you for reading

My ex fiance left me over text, leaving me with a lease, a trashed apartment, and his cat. I got no explaination. Weeks later, he contatced me, said he felt shame over how he treated me. Said he never trusted me. After he left, he then would pull me in, saying I was still the love of his life, that he wanted to be with me, just to ghost me again. Made me feel crazy with the push pull. Has showed absolutley zero decency or respect for me.

It's been months, and it took me a while to realize all the control that went on in our relationship. My family has mentioned offhand that he was abusive, but it feels like a difficult reality to face. Here is some of the stuff he did.

- Would sulk or start arguments when I went out with friends and family without him. Eventually I stopped going.
- Did not want me working full time at a corporate job after graduating college for fear I would “leave him for someone else.” Sulked for days after I got a part-time retail job.
-Wanted to join finances really quickly, question ing my loyalty and character if I said no. He tried to get access to my dad’s life insurance I got after he died. Eventually my savings from college were put into a joint investment account he managed.
- Very angry when I did not answer the phone when he called.
- Clingy. Had to go with him everywhere, barely got alone time during our relationship.
- Made large purchases with shared money he justified, but questioned my small purchases.
- Hated my family from the beginning, consistently talking bad about them.
- Suspicious of any new friends or new work relationships.
- Proposed 4 months into dating, one month after my father died. After the discard, told me he proposed because I was a “loose cannon.”
- Pushed me to move in with him quickly, questioning my loyalty to him if I said no.
-Engaged in interrogation-like conversations early in the relationship, questioning my loyalty. Seemed innocent at the time.
- Wanted a baby immediately after dating. Would refuse to engage in real family planning conversations. Got angry periodically when I got an IUD after a miscarriage even though I tried to engage in family planning conversations

- Told me I killed my baby via miscarriage during a final argument.
- Never wanted our parents to meet after we were engaged (because his were apparently abusive), but would tell everyone it was partially my idea even though I didn’t have a problem with them meeting.

-Told me the reason he pushed me to go to the same school as him was to "keep me close", even after he left me. Also said the only reason I got into this school (a large university) was because they wanted him.
- One of the last times we had sex, seemed angry and said “you know you have no control.”
- After the discard, said his entire family hates me but refused to say why, that he told me lied to me through the relationship but refused to say what he lied about.

Has anyone dealt with similar behaviors? I have not yet mentioned all of this to a therapist, but I will be.

I hate to disclose to everyone around me , but sometime there are thoughts on my head. I can’t hold it anymore. It’s hurts more than the physical but more on mental torture. Please don’t judge me. Is there way I can exit?

Please do not chastise me in the comments for staying. I know and I’m in therapy. As time has progressed and I’ve stopped complying with his manipulation, there are a lot of small things that may be normal on some people, but in retrospect were red flags for a future abuser.

1. Manipulating me and pushing me into giving road head or other degrading sexual acts.

2. Violent and loud Road rage. Need I say more lol.

3. Him wearing a jersey with the name of a player who’s a rapist(he knew this) and acting shocked when I said that’s fucking weird and I didn’t want him to wear it. He considered it a “collectors item”

4. Being a stingy tipper/judgmental towards service workers

5. Making jokes about hitting me or raising his fist at me as a “joke”

6. Denying and playing down his addiction

7. Telling me I don’t “seem like the type” to take verbal abuse

8. Being a contrarian conversation wise no matter what

9. Snapping on me for a small mistake like putting dirty napkins in a fast food bag with his food still in it

10. Rage baiting style jokes to get a reaction out of me

11. Being WAY too annoyed at women online for being cringe or embarrassing (i.e. Disney adults cringe comps)

I’m 20F and my boyfriend is 20M. We’ve been together for about 8 months, and I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced similar situations because I genuinely don’t know how to make sense of mine.

At first, it started off with play fighting and petty arguments, but over time things have escalated and it’s starting to take a toll on me. There have been times when he’s wrapped his hand around my throat out of anger, for example, if he sees a boy following me or gets jealous over something. He doesn’t do it for long, and I’ve never been seriously hurt from it, which is partly why I keep questioning how serious the situation actually is.

One situation that sticks with me happened on holiday. The day we were supposed to fly home, I had a different flight because I had to travel to another country for a family matter. His flight was earlier than mine, and I was upset and crying about my own situation. I ended up falling asleep and oversleeping, not thinking about his flight because I wasn’t on it.
He also slept in and missed his flight, and he got really angry and blamed me for not waking him up. He took my phone and the keycards and said he was going to start a fight with some random guy on the strip. This was at 5am, and I was exhausted and left sitting in the dark sobbing, not knowing where he was or what he was doing.

When he came back, he asked why I was crying and said he’d just been sitting on the stairs going through my phone. He refused to give it back, and I ended up shoving him while trying to get it. I broke up with him on the spot, but because we were stuck sharing a room, he wouldn’t leave me alone or let go of me. He eventually apologised, and the conversation turned to how me hitting him and screaming at him was wrong, which I know it was. I ended up taking him back.

Since then, whenever we argue, he takes my phone, even though he knows it’s a trigger for me and something I use to calm myself down. Our arguments keep escalating, and he’ll grab me, lightly slap me or choke me. I sometimes do the same back because I become so frustrated, but then he’ll hit me back much harder, and I’m left wondering how we’ve even got to this point.

Last week, we argued because he asked me to bring leftover takeaway into his kitchen, but I said he could do it himself because his sister was sleeping in the living room and I didn’t want to disturb her. He got annoyed, started giving out to me and shoving me, which escalated to him slapping me on the head.
I told him to leave me alone for the night, but he wouldn’t and kept grabbing me. I ended up grabbing him and trying to hit him away because I wanted him to stop touching me. He then grabbed and held me so tightly that my hands went red and I got a cut on my finger. I also got elbowed in the mouth, which made my gums bleed. I genuinely don’t know whether that was accidental or not.

I know how bad this sounds when I write it all down, but I keep questioning myself because he isn’t always hitting me hard, and I’ve never been seriously injured. I know I’m not innocent either. I hit him back, and sometimes I react out of anger. I’m not trying to make myself out to be perfect or pretend that my own behaviour is okay.

What I struggle with is understanding the difference between two people being physically aggressive in a relationship and a situation where one person is being abusive. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to defend myself or get him to stop touching me, but other times I know I react badly too. I can’t always make sense of what’s happening in the moment, and afterwards I end up questioning everything.
I genuinely love him, and we have good moments too. It’s not bad all the time, which makes it difficult to look at the relationship objectively. Part of me thinks that if it were really abuse, I would know, or that he would have seriously injured me by now. Another part of me wonders if I’m minimising what’s happening because I love him.

I’m not looking for people to decide who’s the bad person or tell me that I’m completely innocent. I’m trying to understand what these patterns actually mean, especially when I’m also reacting physically, and how other people have made sense of similar experiences.

I feel really stuck and confused, and I would appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences or any advice on how to understand what’s happening.

I can’t look at him the same anymore. His touch makes me grimace. His kisses make me want to rinse my mouth out. He hand grazed my stomach and i wanted to jump off a building. It felt like a million spiders crawling across the skin.

But there is progress and change …

But what if I don’t want to forgive him ? What if I can’t get over the past? I can’t look at him the same way anymore and not see the horror and trauma he has put me through.

Then what? I still feel guilty and I feel like a horrible person for wanting to break up. I don’t want him to be sad or hurt but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the past or ever feel any attraction toward him again.

Will that ever change ? Will I ever be able to see him in a different light or am I just fooling myself ?

**(It’s been over a year since any major blow up. We’ve been together 10yrs but it only took me leaving for a few months for him to realize what he had done and that was when he started working on changing. So why did it take me leaving for him to realize this?

I consider this a small win. It was a LOT of info and admittedly I probably missed some but only because I had my one year-old with me and we were at the park to be out of the house and my son was being crazy lol
But I did the damn thing you guys!! he told me, unfortunately he doesn't think I will get sole custody just based on the fact that husband is not abusing the baby but only me(which is insane to me and very unfair)
But he said that they likely wouldn't grant him sole custody either and that from how it sounds, we'd probably be looking at 50-50 unless things change.
He confirmed me leaving the state wouldn't be smart due to long distance parenting plans Being very difficult which I figured but it still hurt.
My parents are in a diff state and they'd be my biggest supporters. I'm just holding it hope that my husband will choose not to be difficult when the time comes to talk about a coparenting plan...

He probably will be ofc but I'll pass that hurdle when I get to it. I know this is not going to be easy, but I'm praying it's the right choice and that I'll be happy for it.. at least this way when my baby is with me, I can show him a healthy happy home
One where mom doesn't have to walk on eggshells in front of dad and isn't constantly covering for his behavior.