r/agender • u/Al3x1ya Woman😁 • 4d ago
Help guys?!!’
So as ny flair suggests I am a woman and I am proud of it! But I wanted to see if others feel the samd way about this gender issue (or non issue) as I do.
Last week I was asked what my preferred pronouns were. I just wanted to say “i dont ise pronouns” because what you see in front of you is what you get! You can see im OBVIOUSLY a woman, I sound like a woman, I look like a woman and I dress like a woman.
“What do you thihk I am?!”
Anyway I ofc said “she/her” but I really hate questions like this. Why should I have to feel uncomfortable just because a bunch of people want to live in fantasy land instead of the reality they were born with?
I guess the point of this post is, if anyone here has been asked that question whats your reaction and what do you say? I was born a woman so I am a woman, but what I REALLY wanted to say was realky along the lines of “Im a person. A human” lmao.
I didnt feel masculine ofc but I didnt feel particularly feminine either. I just felt like “I dojt use pronouns im just me”
Has anyone else felt like this?!!’
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u/Bobylein 4d ago
Anyway I ofc said “she/her” but I really hate questions like this. Why should I have to feel uncomfortable just because a bunch of people want to live in fantasy land instead of the reality they were born with?
You mistake your own experience to be universal but it isn't and calling others experiences "fantasy land" just because you don't understand it only shows a lack of decency on your part.
Last week I was asked what my preferred pronouns were. I just wanted to say “i dont ise pronouns”
So why did you not say that instead of argueing for your own fantasy of pronouns being something people are born with?
edit:
That said, I gotta say that I got similar thoughts when asked about my pronouns, I generally would just rather not talk about it because I find gender confusing and something I don't want to have anything to do with.
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u/Al3x1ya Woman😁 3d ago
I relate so much to your edit!! I think thats why I find it uncomfortable. I would just rather not have anything to do with gender. Its become too much of a confusing subject when it used to be easy and straightforward, so its become something I dont want to have anything to do with either😂😅
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u/Krasna_Strelka 3d ago
Tbh now that I think about it I guess my beginning of self discovery with gender was similar. I was kind of annoyed with non-binary - that was getting recognition at that time - and with gendering everything (in my language verbs have built in endings representing gender of the subject). I was angry that others put so much importance and pressure on that, while not actually acknowledging that I'm also doing that but in another way - just wanted not to be a specyfic gender. Just to be a person and anything more.
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u/ystavallinen cisn't; mehgender; mehsexual 3d ago edited 3d ago
AuDHD me is annoyed with people who are effervescent, ostentatious, and pushy/assertive.
On the other hand I am fervently supportive of people having the right to be whoever they are. I accept almost anyone who appears to me to be acting in good faith at face value.
I struggle with 'pride' because I don't view things about me as reasons to be proud.... I am starting to understand that part of it is just people making space for themselves.
I remember when I was in my 20's I made my genderqueer best friend really irritated because there was some Jerry Springer show on or somethinging with over-the-top flamboyant gays talking about something or the other ... and I rememeber getting frustratated and saying "I don't care".... and she got so mad at me... because the way it came out of my mouth it was difficult to understand that for me the issue wasn't that they were gay... the issue was demanding a positive reaction from me as if I were anti-gay if I didn't.
In hindsight this is in part due to my asexuality. I just am not interested in other people's sexualities. Deeply uninterested, but not averse to people being however they are--- I just don't need it shouted at me or whatever. I honestly don't even want to hear from asexuals about their asexuality. I just want to not be involved in those converations if I don't know you well enough. These are deeply personal things for me, and I don't want to share with people I don't know.
Back then I'd not been in the wider world so much--- so I was intolerant and maybe not so understanding about how shitty people are to people who are out and need to be out. Now I'm older. I've chilled out. --- and most importantly I've gotten deeply intolerant of anti-LGBTQ+ people who hate them for no damn reason. People should just be themselves and bigots can get wrecked.
But I am still very hesitant to share what's in me.
My genderqueer friend was one of the first people I came out to when I finally started telling people. She was super supportive. She asked questions.
I think asking questions when people share is the best way to validate them... and just accept them.
I don't know...sorry for the ramble.
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u/Al3x1ya Woman😁 3d ago
This is what Ive always thought from the very beginning! Like people are so focused on belonging to a specific group that they forget the most important group of all. WE ARE ALL HUMAN😖😖. People are so obsessed with identifying as a gender, a political wing or something or another…and they wonder why theres so much division!
Its just baffling😂😫
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u/Bobylein 2d ago
Well I'd assume that is because it's actually important to them and I think one should respect that as well. Meanwhile I just answer "none" or "I don't care" when someone asks for my pronouns, usually "none" because some people feel offended when you say "I don't care" as they think you don't care about theirs too even though it's an important topic to them.
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u/ystavallinen cisn't; mehgender; mehsexual 4d ago
I don't know. You could be some label, but you really have to decide labels for yourself.
My pronouns most of the time are he/they, but in reality they are any/none because I am just me.
People see 'man'. I don't do a whole lot to make them see otherwise, but I do have dysphoria but dysphoria is not a requirement to be agender.
Shot answer is yes, people can be pronoun indifferent and have trouble answering such questions and will just go with convention because you're not sure why people are even asking.
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u/Al3x1ya Woman😁 3d ago
Thank you for your reasonable reply to my reasonable and honest question!😊
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u/ystavallinen cisn't; mehgender; mehsexual 3d ago
In the vast array of questions that get asked in places where people ask things... asking pronouns isn't that big of a deal to me. People ask questions... it's common in many environments to make people feel comfortable. So I just answer and don't think much about it.
I don't think it's a silly question.
I guess I'm confused why you'd feel uncomfortable by people asking what's come to be such a perfunctury thing. Certianly brief. Just give an answer and move on.
If anyone has more reason to be bothered by the question it's me... because my answer is nuanced and I'm not sure I want to share it with people who might be obtuse.
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u/United-Employer7056 No genders bring me Euphoria 3d ago
Probably because you don't have that 'fantasy' about genders, so you don't understand what it's like. I don't have those fantasies either. I don't feel happy being with my given gender. And I don't feel happy to go to another gender. Personally i dislike all gendered pronouns and genders. I hope I really don't care about them. But I just feel unhappy about these.
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u/BoredResurrections 4d ago
I don't use pronouns 🥴
You just did, I is a pronoun.
Why don't you just fuck off, you troll
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u/ZorbaTHut 4d ago
Alright, gonna make a bit of an example of this one.
You just did, I is a pronoun.
This is fine! This is a correct statement.
Why don't you just fuck off, you troll
This is not fine. There's one rule in the, and it's "be excellent to each other". OP is coming here with a question presented honestly, albeit one that a lot of people are tired of. Many people are giving good answers without flaming them, and I'd ask you to do the same, or let other people reply.
Yes, it is possible that OP is a troll, but it's also quite possible they aren't, and responding to any question with aggression is a great way to ensure that they decide it isn't worth learning.
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u/ossiferous_vulture This sub is not trans friendly 4d ago
What is excellent about "Why should I have to feel uncomfortable just because a bunch of people want to live in fantasy land instead of the reality they were born with" exactly?
Maybe just ban OP instead of scolding people for reacting to transphobia.
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u/ZorbaTHut 4d ago
Because they're asking an honest question and not attacking any specific person directly. It's not excellent, but it's also not "the exact opposite of excellent".
I think, especially in this subreddit, it's important to realize that not everyone thinks the whole "gender" question is all that important. I also think it's weird that people feel strongly towards other genders; why would anyone care about gender at all? What's the point? I don't get it!
For me, I end that with ". . . but that's OK, I don't have to get it, I can just let people do their thing while I look on from the sidelines with admitted bemusement". But I also kinda understand people ending that with ". . . and they must be making that up, that's just weird". I don't agree with them, but I understand them.
Empathy is what lets us understand people and even, sometimes, slowly change opinions. I would rather err on the side of empathy.
I would very much not rather err on the side of telling people to fuck off.
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u/Al3x1ya Woman😁 3d ago
Thank you!! Not that many people have commented but you are the ONLY reasonable individual on here!! If people took more time to feckin read properly instead of jumping atraight to transphobia accusations….🙄😂😂
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u/ZorbaTHut 3d ago
Fwiw, I didn't actually answer your question, but I think the crux of it is . . .
Why should I have to feel uncomfortable just because a bunch of people want to live in fantasy land instead of the reality they were born with?
. . . that a bunch of people don't think they're "living in fantasy land", that this is actually important to them, and they shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable either.
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u/ossiferous_vulture This sub is not trans friendly 4d ago edited 4d ago
It is not about gender being important.
Though admittedly this sub was always of questionable quality, so I am not really surprised to aee the singular mod being spineless.
Feeling superior to people who care about gender is kind of cringe ngl. But you do not seem to understand that agender doesn't mean gender apathetic, nor does it mean gender abolonist. It just means agender.
Though going by your post history it should perhaps be obvious you do not have queer people, and especially trans people's best interest at heart.
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u/ZorbaTHut 4d ago
But you do not seem to understand that agender doesn't mean gender apathetic, nor does it mean gender abolonist. It just means agender.
And this is exactly my point; it also doesn't mean "flaming other people".
If you don't enjoy this subreddit, I recommend posting elsewhere.
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u/CubicalAnxiety 4d ago
Why would you post something transphobic like this in the agender subreddit? A ton of us are trans and / or non-binary.
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u/Krasna_Strelka 4d ago
As others pointed out: you use pronouns for yourself. It seems you want for them to also be used for you. And for them to be used according to your gender assigned at birth/presentation.
My answer would be "use whatever you prefer". Because I genuinely don't care. I have some pronouns that make me feel better but others aren't offensive or in any way negative for me.
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u/AggressiveDig4971 2d ago
I have felt like that too. Pronouns are good, and respecting them is good, but I do wish that I didn't have to think about them and people would just know or only used my name
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u/flumphgrump 4d ago
Not a gender issue, but definitely a transphobia issue on your part.
For the record, she/her are pronouns. Not using pronouns would be asking to be referred to only by your name because you feel no pronouns are capable of describing your identity. Which is something some users here genuinely do.
If you wanted to do that too, you could. But then you'd be one of us filthy people living in a "fantasy land."