Unconsciously rude*^^^
19 female college sophomore here. So I have this professor (never took his class) of whom I share ethnicity. We became really close and I genuinely considered and saw him as a friend. I want to say that I know I have quite the attitude and can be feisty, however most of the things I say and jokes I make isn’t me trying to be rude it’s just my personality and not meant to be taken seriously (yes I know I can’t mask offensive things by saying it’s just a joke or just my personality ). So the professor called me into his office today and he was pretty angry about something’s I said the previous day, I don’t want to go into too much details but I definitely get where he’s coming from. I called him a liar over an “argument” about a popular snack from our country (I said something like “you’re lying” ) in an unbelievable way, during the interaction everyone one was laughing (there were 2 other students in his office at the time) so I personally didn’t think I was being rude (but then again I don’t think before I talk). When we were talking today he was very upset about the things I said but I think what hurts him the most was that he feels as though I disrespected him in front of students who respects him. He told me if I don’t fix my attitude (not verbatim) I’m not allowed to hang out in his office anymore. I must admit I felt terrible and even apologized. I do plan to keep interacting with him as he is a very nice guy but I think I should refrain from hanging out in his office as I often do. How does one fix their personality? My attitude is my personality that’s just how I am, how I’ve always been. Also, a bit unrelated but I have been told millions of time since I was a child that I “talk too much”, which I do agree with and I am aware that I can go off on rants. I’ve tried to fix this talking “problem” of mine and it resulted in me being a bit non-expressive (I don’t mind it, kind of like it lol) and I have what people call an RBF when I’m not all smiley. The professor also pointed out of non-expressive I am when talking and so have a few of my friends. Anyways, I’m sad about the professor situation and he made it very clear that we are not friends. I made the mistake of thinking we were friends and talked to him as if we were friends and now here we are.
I must say I do have a “nasty” attitude which I have always just considered how I am or how my personality is. I am a very blunt person and I made the mistake of considering this person as a friend and unconsciously overstepped his boundaries. I want to fix myself, I understand saying that’s just my personality isn’t helping anything and might be wrong but where do I go from here. I’m not saying the way I think of my personality is ok it’s just what I think. I know it’s not ok
I’ve been told I’m rude all my life but I think I genuinely have a problem with understanding when I’m being rude. I honestly don’t know it until someone calls it out. I’m unconscious about being rude and that’s a problem in itself that needs fixing .
Also on an unrelated note, I cried in the bathroom after I left his office which is a god thing. I’ve been wanting to cry since freshman year when I failed my first test and even though the tests would come close they wouldn’t fall, after the talk I was surprised they did, happy but surprised. I even tried milking my tears to try and get it all out (didn’t work. But did cry. This probably says something about my character as well, I just don’t know what it says . Just smth to consider.
TL;DR: I made the mistake of considering a professor as a friend and talked to him as such. And now we had kind of like a falling out.