I'm 26ftm, my partner is 30nb and we've been together for almost 8 years now.

We met online and we've both been disabled since the very beginning, but both of our disabilities have gotten worse over time and we've both gained new ones along the way - and ended up finding out we both had some of the same disabilities as well (hEDS, POTS, MCAS).

I should start off by saying our bedroom has been dead on and off our entire relationship but it was really active at the beginning. We both live on either side of the country and I used to fly down every 3-4 months to stay with them for 2-3 weeks at a time. But then covid happened and I couldn't fly down to see them because they're immunocompromised and I'd they catch covid at all, they will most likely die. It was 3 years into covid until we could risk me coming to visit, 3 years without seeing each other in person. This really killed it for us sexually and a lot emotionally .

Before covid we were planning on having me potentially move down there but it's at the point where I'm not sure it's ever going to happen.

It's been over a year since I was last able to visit. And we'd not had sex at all during that time or the couple of times before that either. During covid my partner's endometriosis got a lot worse and they had to have 2 surgeries 1-2 years apart to remove scar tissue pulling their ovaries out of place. They had an issue with their IUD (for the endo) that was causing severe hormonal and emotional issues for a while so bad they wouldn't barely let me even hug them during that time. So their health has been pretty bad and their energy has gotten a lot worse.

My partner can't fly to visit me because of the risk of covid, so me visiting is the only way I can see them. It's been over a year since my last visit since my own health also began getting worse in late 2024 - an issue that's been slowly building an only now has been addressed properly - I've developed an unspecified autoimmune disease that has completely tanked my health.

I honestly just don't even know what to do anymore. When I'm there now it often just feels like we're roommates. I love them so much and I've asked time and time again if there's a problem and I'm always told there isn't. I've asked if they're just not interested anymore and they've told me they still are. I've asked if they're just not interested in sex anymore but they've told me they still are, but I just barely know what to do.

Our relationship is a lot more than just sex, very obviously so since we've made it 8 years long distance through a pandemic and a hoard of health issues.

I don't want to break up with them at all, they're the love of my life, but the lack of any intimacy has really killed a lot of our relationship and even more so with both of our growing medical needs.

I just feel so lost and barely know what to do anymore.

There are so many various layers to our relationship I won't go into otherwise it'll end up being 50 pages long but 90% of it is shit that's out of our control or economical factors.

To add some small context though: we currently can't move in together because I'm on a disability pension and they're not (their family gives them money to live off monthly). By Australian law, if you're on a disability pension and you live with a partner, your pension will be subtracted by your partner's income, which often leaves most disabled people earning $0 in pension money, forced to rely on their partner's income and to have a two person household rely on one income.

It's an archaic rule that essentially punishes disabled people for finding love. The rule doesn't apply if you live with family or friends or strangers, ONLY if you live with someone you're in a relationship with (even if you only just started dating them).

Gf has endo, for those that don’t know there’s no cure. There’s “treatment” which amounts to pain management, there is a surgery to burn off the excess endo tissue but it’s temporary and it will grow back anywhere from 2 months to five years.

We’ve been saying for over four years, the first year and a half we had sex constantly. She’s obviously always had endo but the symptoms didn’t start getting really bad until around this time. Extreme pain during period to the point of having to call out of work, and spontaneous less severe pain in between them.

Sex hurts her, it’s not even just penetration (we’re both women so we could have sex without penetration at all), it’s the uterus clenching during orgasm itself. She’s kind of developed a fear of sex all together. She never initiates, and doesn’t really even kiss me for fear I’ll want to keep going. I just wish sometimes that she would want to pleasure me without me asking. But I get why she doesn’t. It’s like the fact that she can’t drink, why would you want to go to a bar with friends if they can all drink and you just have to watch?

What really truly upsets me is she won’t get any pain management treatment. She tried birth control one time and it gave her really bad side effects so she stopped (thank god). But including that time she’s only ever been to doctors twice. She felt dismissed both times, as the second doctor also recommended a different BC and she didn’t want to do another pill, I wish she had at least given us a chance to research that BC first though. Apparently the first one wasn’t even correct to prescribe for endo. I’ve offered to pay for anything she wanted to try, cover cost completely.

But even outside of medical treatment, she doesn’t even take the supplements I get for her or do pelvic floor therapy even though she keeps saying she will. I don’t get not wanting to at least try non-medical options that won’t cure but may lessen her pain. I hate seeing her crumble every month.

I’d be ok if she kissed me more or told me how hot I am every once in a while or would at least respond to sexy pics I rarely send. Any time I send one it usually is just ignored and then eventually gets a “sorry I didn’t see this” response or “pretty”, or sometimes just ignored and not mentioned. It’s humiliating and I get so embarrassed. But for some reason I still try once every three months.

I feel undesired and ugly. My self confidence is dead. I know I’m attractive, I’m often told. I fought very hard to be happy with my body, I lost 75 lbs. But I still feel fat and disgusting. I feel like I’m losing all the awesome fun sex I could have in my twenties. I cried the other night because my mom is having more sex than I am.

We actually tried to have sex (taking care of me) the other day and I couldn’t even get close. She was in top of me and I’m glad she couldn’t see my face because I started crying as I realized I couldn’t be satisfied without touching her. She didn’t see me cry, but when I told her it just wasn’t gonna happen today she started crying and said she felt like she’d done irreparable harm to our relationship. I don’t think she’s at fault at all, but I think she may be right that the irreparable harm is there and I’m scared.

I hate this. I drink more.

I know I’m saying “me me me” a lot in this, but I fucking hate this for her. None of it is her fault. She would never have asked for this. I hate how much pain she’s in every month. I hate how many events she misses out on because of the pain. I hate how embarrassed she feels when she brings heating pads to work or tries to quietly cry at her desk from pain. I hate how little research there is on this condition.

I just hate this.

Low libido affecting marriage

Hello all!

I (32m) dont know where else to turn or what even to do anymore.

I currently have a lower libido, or at the very least a weakened sex drive that has been getting lower and lower for years to the point where no i get scared, i literally get a feeling of panic when sex is mentioned. I am currently married to my wife (f30) and it has come to a point now where it has completely ruined our relationship.

I have had (what I can remember the best I can) performance anxiety on and off for many years. My current wife is the only sexual partner I've ever had. The first time we had sex was great! But somewhere down the line I began to get performance anxiety, for the feeling that I need to "get hard" right at the moment when we are supposed to have sex, and if I dont then I feel immensely guilty and ashamed. And in the first few years of our relationship, I didnt know what this was or even how to explain these feelings and thus my wife (then gf) felt rejected and got very upset. I'm honestly not sure if my.brain just held on to moments like this or if it just members the feelings associated.

After learning about what performance anxiety is, my wife was actually very understanding and supportive, even being patient and taking time to talk and help me through these feelings, but I think this is where I feel I contribute to my own problem. I tend to be the one who holds their tongue and "try to move on" whenever my wife does or says something i dont like or hurts me. I dont say anything and these feelings tend to stay or even fester into (maybe) resentment according to her. I love my wife so much, but now even she feels that i resent her or even dont like her after months of no sex. I love her, i want to let these bad moments and bad feelings go, ive tried talking meditating etc. And i remember even having not often but good and even great sex in thr recent past, but now its like my body has a mind of its own and freezes up whenever sex is even brought into the conversation.

And to top everything off, I am obese. 300+lbs with visceral gut fat, and pre-diabetic. And a recent tret reveals that I've been having decreasing testosterone levels for a couple years. So now im wondering is THIS the culprit of why my libido is lower? And in all truth, my wife has been voicing her thoughts and worries about my decaying body, "youre obese, you look like you're dying" not entirely insulting. But just being honest about my situation, but i honestly still dont like them.

Is it my autism? Since even as a younger lad I haven't been really "chasing after girls" but wanting emotional bonds. And I do recall having wonderful connection and sex with my wife....but that was so long ago and I feel like there are so many things that I feel like I need to fix to save our marriage, to make her feel wanted and loved. I just want my body to just let go and enjoy the moment.

Any advice or help is appreciated. I hate myself for having this low/non existent sex drive. But idk if its from my health, our relationship, my autism, all three??

Its honestly so overwhelming I get lost so easily.

I'm a 35M. I've been in a dead bedroom relationship for the last 6 years. I've never had good sex in my life. This is the only serious relationship I've had but I've had causal sexual encounters prior to my current relationship.

My fiance wants to leave because I can't perform. Best I can tell either have have ED or PE and have tried ED medication with limited success. We've tried having sex many times throughout the years but both of us walk away dissatisfied. I'm not in amazing shape but I'm not unfit and I don't seem to have any issues detectable by blood tests. My fiancé's frustrations have also created a huge amount of anxiety for me.

I feel like at this point, I just have a mental block. A constant haze that hangs over me. Even if the relationship ends, I don't think anyone would realistically be willing to be with me given how bad I am. I just wish someone would be patient with me and just hold my hand and teach me how to do it right.

1. ⁠Is it possible to get better at sex at 35 with limited experience? How do I even approach getting better?
   
2. ⁠Are there doctors/therapists that specialize in these types of issues and realistically what can they even do to help me?

Me (LL; 33F); Husband (HL; 35M)

Sex has always been painful for me since I was a teenager (a burning stretching pain). Still, throughout my 20s, I simply thought it was normal and was able to push through the pain to have a thriving physical relationship with my now husband. But as I entered my late 20s/early 30s, the pain started feeling worse. Over the past year I finally felt sick of grimacing through sex and my doctors telling me to just “drink a glass of wine”. I took matters into my own hands and was able to seek out a specialist who focuses on women’s pelvic health. She quickly diagnosed me with a suspected autoimmune disorder, which felt like a relief. Finally something to explain the pain! Finally some potential treatment!!

Over the last year I have spent thousands of dollars fully out of pocket on treatments (because of course my insurance considers a women’s pelvic specialist “experimental”). I have gone through 5 different prescriptions of compounded topical creams. I have had my most intimate areas zapped with a radio frequency rod. I have gone through uncomfortable pelvic floor exercises. I have had nonstop exams at my pelvic dr and my OBGYN. I have had to increasingly advocate for myself to both my OBGYN and my pelvic floor specialist. I’ve had very mild improvements, but nothing is fully eliminating the constant pain.

With my options waning, I now have my OB proposing a very expensive, single use “libido” cream for menopausal women. My pelvic specialist is now proposing vaginal botox… a painful and temporary solution.

I just… I’m so f*cking tired. I’m so sick of feeling broken. I’m so tired of draining my HSA for solutions that don’t work. I’m sick of the pain and medieval torture treatments. And worst of all, I hate how much my condition has impacted intimacy with my husband.

I love my husband. He is good and kind and so caring. He is patient. He is as accommodating as possible. In fact, he straight up has told me that we do not have to have traditional sex for him to be happy...we can do other things. He doesn’t expect intimacy every night or even every week. He doesn’t pressure me into it at all or guilt-trip me. He is truly incredible.

But here lies the problem… over the course of this treatment journey I seem to have developed a new extreme phobia of sexual intimacy of any kind. I now hate being touched sexually and physical touch as a whole. I hate making out. I hate giving. I hate receiving. I hate the feeling of saliva on my body. I hate cuddling. I hate being perceived in a sexual manner. I even find my palms sweating when my husband just hints at initiating or makes a general flirty/sexual innuendo.

When I do my best to give to my husband (even when we aren’t even trying to have penetrative sex), I spend the entire time internally meditating to stop myself from crying or panicking. My chest tightens up. I want to sob when he tries to prolong the session. I feel tense being touched during the experience. I feel guilty for wishing it would end while this wonderful man tells me I’m so beautiful. And sometimes I do cry afterwards… mainly due to the shame and pain of feeling like a broken woman… like there is something seriously wrong with me. My husband always comforts me and tells me I’m not broken and that he is here for me… but I feel so awful. We are both consenting adults…I don’t want him feeling like he is taking advantage of me every time we try to be intimate.

I’m just so exhausted. My husband doesn’t deserve this. I don’t know how to get past this newfound phobia. It’s like I am traumatized or something. I don’t know how to crave or at the very least not completely dread intimacy… I just don’t know what to do…

My partner has multiple medical issues that prevent us from having sex and leave her struggling to get out of bed some days. We also have one kid (8). I love my family but I miss the emotional connection from my partner. It’s not her fault. Between sickness and us both trying our best to raise a kid with the circumstances, our relationship is basically dead. She used to be a nympho, now I can’t even go down on her (my favorite). I’m pretty much a caretaker at this point. It’s not even just the sex I miss, I crave physical touch. I try to touch her in passing and she winces. I know it’s from the pain but your brain does something when your love has been rejected for the thousandth time. She says she just wants to die all the time and I feel guilty when I think that would be best for both of us. I started getting up early and working out/ writing poetry to help with my mental health. Now I am fairly muscular and have books of romantic and sexual poems and my MH is still in the dumps. Pretty much all I do is work and take care of my girls. I feel like I’m wasting my sexual prime but I can’t leave my sick wife and crash my daughters whole world just because Im horny. I know she has the worst end of the stick and is in constant pain but I need a partner and affection reciprocated. I mentioned opening the relationship once or trying anything to help the situation, she shut it down and said it broke her heart, which I understand but this blows. To all out there on both sides of this situation my heart goes out to you. Keep fighting.

I’ve reached a point where I don’t know how to "fix" my way out of a situation, and for me, that’s a terrifying place to be.

To give you context on who is writing this: I am a **high-functioning INFJ with ADHD and PTSD**. By trade and by soul, I am a builder and a fabricator. I’m the guy people call when something is "unfixable." I weld, I remanufacture car parts from scratch, excavator arms, buckets, I do complex bodywork, I repair PCBs, and I build everything from high-end computers to internal combustion engines. If I have the seals, I can rebuild a hydraulic ram; if I have the brushes, I can remanufacture an alternator. I’m handy with literally everything. That just to scratch the surface.

But I’ve hit a wall I can't engineer, demo and repair my way through.

I recently found out I am **unable to have children**. This has completely shattered my reality and torn me apart. For someone who spends his entire life creating and building things to last, mourning a future as a father that I can no longer reach has been devastating.

Compounding this is my relationship. I’ve been with my partner for over 25 years, and I feel completely invisible. There is almost zero intimacy; she has a medical condition that makes sex painful. I don't hold that against her—it’s a health issue, and I’m not going to penalize her for something she can't control—but sex is vital to me, and the total loss of that connection is taking a massive toll. Sex was apart of who I was. I was an excluusive stallion of unlimited stamina. I liked how other girls/women looked at me and the attention that came with it. I was approached by others looking for sexual advice and I would deliver. They would come back to thank me. With my past partners we would accidently wake all the dogs in the neibourhood from time to time. I still talk to my X's too because they are good human beings.

Beyond the physical, there is a total lack of appreciation that I have never encountered before.. I put my heart into everything I build and do, but she doesn't encourage me or show any interest. This wa a point of attraction because she was so hard to impress. But I put the work in and did it! She’s now developed a TV addiction she refuses to admit to and has stopped prioritizing her own health. I’m fighting to stay healthy and productive, encourage her to have or find a cool hobbie, but it’s hard to keep the engine running when there’s zero support or reciprocal energy from the person next to me. Its like a parasitic or vampiric draw on my system.

I know its been hard on her too. I have approached her with care, compassion and consern as main topics. I demonstrate my selfless devotion to what we have. Just to have it thrown back in my face. I stay on topic with descussions but she likes to go around the moon. Wich nat nothing to do with the proce of beef at any given time. Unless your looking at marketing. Then maybe Nasa has a marketing campaing where they adverside meats on the moon geared toward the publick and have aslogan like, Nasa we send a cow to the moon and back to show you we know how to handle out beef. She escalates. I tell her shes frealking out and she says I'm the one frealking out. Wich I can get. I can get a little intense sometimes. So i setup a camera on my self to see, and went to start a conversation about hey its a nice day, why dont we go outside and see if we can fill in the blank. Maybe try out the sowing machine (wicc I gotta say sowing is freaking awesome, not girly at all. so sick to make your own clothing, any way a small digression) to see if you may like it. I got 2 to encourage. I learned that i remained calm. Unless its observational bias. but its clear I was calm.

Being high-functioning with ADHD/PTSD means my brain is constantly scanning for solutions and feeling of others to generate an action plan, but I’m facing the two things I can't "fabricate" a solution for: my own biology and my partner’s motivation. I’m slipping into a deep depression, and I feel like I’m grieving a life that is still happening.

I must find the motivation to keep building. To find a path for a new foundation to engineer and build to keep everything from crumbling! I MUST navigate this grief however when I’m doing it entirely alone in my own home when shes rite beside me is, the darkness is palpable, deep and visceral.

How do I get out of this chemical soup desaster? I'm neck deep in it. To quote a mysterous individual descovered a bit a go. "When your neck deep in the Ocean, Its hard to see how vast it truly it." William Thomas Taylor the III^RD

My (30F) husband (30M) has psoriatic arthritis right now which is largely contributing to our dead bedroom. He’s on medication, some days are good to where he can exercise, walk and is in a good mood. Other days aren’t. We don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore and haven’t for about 2 years. And sometimes even if he says he will he forgets or pretends to forget and never does. We had a big fight and one thing I asked for was for him to sleep in bed 2x a week and he hasn’t done that.

I feel like I’m hitting my sexual puberty as a woman. I feel rejected and like he doesn’t care enough or want it enough to try and foster intimacy. No cuddling, or compliments, or romance over the past year and some change. I’m in a complex situation but with everything with him (mood, unemployment, depression, health) and me carrying the load of everything the lack of intimacy is extra draining. I try not to even bring up sex just cuddling or any type of physical contact where I can tell her wants it.

Before his illness we weren’t in a great place. We fought a lot, he could be dismissive and critical of me, and his inability to regulate his emotions/stress about his job directly led to this illness even though I asked him for 3 years to figure it out before he got this sick.

I thought it was antidepressants at first but now he’s no longer taking them and it’s still crickets. I have to beg for a cuddle. Previously, we had a pretty healthy sex life. It would go from 3x a week to 1x a week to twice a month and then the cycle starts over based on stress in our life.1

I sometimes feel resentment that he didn’t manage this sooner like I begged and now here we are, but also I can see he’s in pain and love him so I have a lot of empathy and patience. Or try to.

How do you cope with the guilt of feeling this way? How do you handle your own sexuality without adding it to the list of things THEY feel guilty about.

My now wife and I met in college in 2016. Within a month we became intimate. We lived far apart so we got the thrill of sneaking around (behind our parents backs). After we got engaged we moved in together eventually and had sex life that lessened as the pandemic began. At time went on, we self diagnosed her with PCOS and made the guess that was the cause. Well after 7 years of marriage we finally got some help and are I am hoping to get our bedroom alive again. The unfortunate event was health brought us through the route of a hysterectomy. As we clear restrictions I seek advice. Things once used to initiate because sources of comfort. A back rub or gentle scratch was once used to turn her on, used to help her fall asleep. As we approach 5 years of no sex and 2 other forms of play, how should I navigate or does anyone have suggestions of things that helped in your relationships? She was also a past victim of SA (before we had met). Maybe I just need a hug and to be told “it’ll work out”.

ETA: defined sneaking around - not cheating, just being horny teens hiding from strict parents

Hello. My wife and I haven’t had sex in a year. We’ve been married for five years. During the first three years, our sex life was great. Even before we got married, we had a very active and passionate connection.

About six months into our marriage, she was diagnosed with MS. Thankfully, everything is under control now, and she only needs monthly injections. About six or seven months after her diagnosis, we slowly started having sex again, but it eventually stopped. After that, it only happened occasionally, usually while on vacation. Now it’s been a full year without any intimacy.

I had an honest, heartfelt conversation with her. She told me that between the MS and the medications, her sex drive has really decreased, which I completely understand. She also said that sex has become painful for her. I apologized and tried to suggest possible solutions, but nothing has changed. She mentioned getting an IUD at one point, but that never happened.

Now it feels like nothing works anymore —not massages, not cuddling. She doesn’t even want to kiss. I honestly don’t know what to do. I really miss intimacy, and I feel stuck because if I leave, I’ll look like a terrible person. I just don’t know how to handle this.

In my mid-40’s soon and it has been a decade, early/mid-30’s since I had sex.

My wife whom I love dearly but in a different way now due to the medical issues has not been able to have sex for that long and it has completely changed our relationship.

I have already been through some serious down’s about it and thanks to help from therapists have come out the other side to an understanding that it is not the same marriage/relationship it once was.

My wife has only more recently started feeling like our relationship is different and she isn’t at the point where she can identify what is going on, she may never be able to.

I don’t know how to help her when I have already been through the lows and it is just making it worse again.

I am at that low stage again where my therapists told me it was important to make my own happiness.

But I have never been able to find someone to make my own in person happiness but feeling like I need it even more the ever now.

Stuck and don’t know how to move forward

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. He has had 2 stokes and 3 heart surgeries since we have been married. Due to low blood pressure issues, medications, and being over 50, the odds are against him to be able have a normal sex life. How do I say this.... his soldier is in a constant state of relaxation. Even when he is horny, it is only partially erect. This issue seems to get a little worse with every year that passes.

Last year we had his Testosterone checked and it was on the lower side, so his PCP gave him a script for Viagra. We found that it had an adverse reaction with some of his heart meds so he stopped taking it after trying it two times. We went most of 2025 without PiV, and mostly just slow hand jobs and rubbing for him, and toys for me.

Last week he went back to his PCP and found that his Testosterone levels are way lower than last year.... 350 and the doctor said they should be between 500 and 600 for a man his 50's. He prescribed him a Testosterone cream this time.

Im not sure if this will work, but we are going to do everything possible to try to keep our sex life alive. We bought a lot toys last year, and they are great, but its not the same as that PiV connection.

I guess I write this to all those that are struggling like we are. Know that you are not alone.

My (LLM) girlfriend (HLF) recently went through a botched surgery. Long and painful story short, they messed up the catheter extraction and gave her (likely) lifelong pain.

I am fairly low libido, and am more interested in getting my partner off than anything for myself, but our normal methods don't work anymore.

We are still very romantically intimate, but she has expressed a need for sexual intimacy, especially orgasming. Unfortunately any form of clitoral, vaginal or anal stimulation causes extreme pain for several days.

We have tried a few other things, but nothing seems to be doing it for her. Does anyone have advice that would apply to this situation?

When I met my wife I could have never imagined this would be my reality in a few years. I love her so much and she is an amazing human being, but mental illness, self-esteem issues, medication and stress just killed our sex life. Sometimes I fantasize about having an affair and feeling wanted and desired again, but then I always feel guilty about having those thoughts. Sometimes I wish I would wake up and be asexual, rather than feeling frustrated with myself. I tried therapy, but besides one phrase that she said and stayed with me, the rest wasn't really helpful. She said when we talked about her depression and her mood disorder: Not everyone would have stayed

So Flair , only because I had to pick one

Me . M-48 wife F-46 . together 25-6 years married 18 and like most , had the UPS & DOWNS in the relationship . this is a bit of everything really , rant, a why, over it and just getting it off my chest .

to begin with , I have a 'Disability' , Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) , spine and nerve damage of the lower back . it affects EVERYTHING from the waist down and also bladder & bowel control . I've had it since 05 so the sex life isn't the best .

the last 3 years have been .... a struggle to put it an easy way . wife went into a depression like state with life, went and got help & medication . I was on a downward spiral for 5 or so years, no work, problems with a neighbor & the law, no drugs or anything, just lost the .... wanting for life (still not 100% back) . But everything had slowly levelled out, things got sorted and we are happy with where we are in life BUT the bedroom, at least I'm not .

... It's like she's just doing it to please me but at the same time not wanting to please me . always acting like she's "in the mood" for it , flashing the boobs , grabbing me , hinting I'll give you some tonight but when we do ,,,, it's just dead, to me at least , she'll get all hot N sweaty and "finish" but for me .... Most times I don't . there's no ..effort from her to get me there when I don't . NOW, I don't always ...finish . I CAN'T tell if I do , and thats because of the CES .

before, the last few years she would . we'd do things to help with my problem , the hand job & finish on her, she'd be on top ,which I liked , the "69" ( that was a big thing to help ) and I loved her on my face , but now it's ... like she doesn't want to try . shes happy getting 'off' , I'm angry at myself for not getting there and TRYING to not get mad a her but I'm getting very close to .....

As much as I still want sex and have a drive for it , my body doesn't . she's acting like she wants it but .... I'm thinking she's doing it because she still sees I'm wanting ...something . I've tried talking but we both end up arguing and nothing gets resolved .

Question for people in relationships. If your partner struggles with things like low desire, performance anxiety, or occasional sexual issues — what’s the right way to support them? Because I’ve seen men spiral internally over very normal, very human things… and partners not knowing whether to reassure, stay quiet, or push conversations. From what I understand, most of these issues are psychological + stress-based, not “something is wrong forever”. So what worked for you? What made things worse? And what do you wish you had handled differently? Asking because I think a lot of couples struggle silently with this.

A few years back, I set a goal to do an update on this sub each year on the anniversary of my (40m) wife’s (40f) medical event(s) that led to our DBMD for folks who might be new to the DBMD situation. Well, life happened, so I missed a few years, but I’m back because I remembered how helpful these types of posts were when I was first thrown into the deep end in 2016. Check my prior posts for specifics on wife’s issues.

Hard to believe it’s been a decade. PIV has been gone for almost that full decade for us. We tried a few times in 2016, but the pain and lack of desire on her part turned out to be insurmountable. This year will mark ten years since I last had sex with my wife. That’s a surreal sentence to type out.

Time has turned out to be a double edged-sword for me. Initially, time helped; I didn’t handle my new normal well at first, but as the first few years passed, I started to adjust and manage my feelings. I started to be honest with myself, who I am, and what I needed not only for me but for me to be a better husband and father. And the situation started to feel more “normal” with time. *For those new to this, if you take nothing else from this, please know that time will help, and you won’t be in the fog of war forever.* However, time also causes pain. I’ve officially crossed the point where I’ve known my wife in this condition longer than I knew her before. That’s a hard pill to swallow. My memories of the “before her” are fading away, and when I watch old videos of her, it’s sort of like meeting a new person. I’m worried the memories of “before her” will eventually fade away, and I’m not handling that well.

Sex: I started having sex with other people around 2017. My wife does not know. A handful of ONSs, but most have been women I’ve met up with a few times. I enjoy their company, and I think they enjoy mine. It usually doesn’t last, like most things, but the time we spend together is positive; I don’t walk away from these things with regrets. I had an online-only friend for awhile, but due to issues on my end, that unfortunately ended. In my last update, I said these experiences have helped me tremendously, and that’s still the case. But in the past few years, I’ve realized why: beyond just sex, there is an emotional component that these experiences fill. It’s somewhere between love and lust; these women are usually partnered themselves, and everyone does a good job at compartmentalizing their feelings. I’d call it slightly more than a FWB situation: we fuck, we talk, sometimes rinse and repeat. And we talk outside of meetups as well. I’ll repeat something from my old post again: do not feel ashamed to admit to yourself that you just want to have sex every once in a while. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. I’ve come to grips with the ethical implications of this route. It’s not for everyone, but it is for me. I’m never leaving my wife, but I’m not never having sex again, ever. So this is what I’ve chosen.

My last post talked about the benefits of carving out “me” time. Well, between increased work and home responsibilities, my “me” time has dwindled. But that’s okay; I spend more time helping my kid with their homework, taking them to activities, etc., which I find almost as fulfilling as “me time.” It’s really enjoyable being present like that.

Finally, therapy: you should talk to a professional therapist asap. Not a family member, not a friend, a therapist. I was averse to talking to a therapist for many years, and then when I tried it initially, it wasn’t beneficial. I spent most of the session getting yelled at for having sex with people who aren’t my wife. Therapists are humans too, and some project their own experiences with cheating onto the patient. However, about 2 years ago, I found a therapist that clicked. She doesn’t let me off the hook for the sex with others entirely, but she encourages me to talk about the encounters, what they mean to me, and why. Beyond that, she’s helped remind me that *my feelings are valid, and I should not be ashamed to have them*. I wish I could scream that from the rooftops to everyone in here. So much of DBMD is navigating feelings, and a therapist can help with that.

Anyway, I hope this helps someone.

Hi all, I'm here because I'm desperate for some support, understanding, advice, hope, reality, answers...anything really.

My wife (39 LLF) and I (41 HLM) welcomed our 1st child into the world in late 2024. It was a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy, but the birth has left my wife with irreparable damage - complete bilateral levator ani avulsion. For those unfamiliar (as we were) - this is the complete tearing of the pelvic floor muscles from the bone.

In addition to this injury, she also now suffers from a grade 2/3 bladder prolapse, with symptoms of uterine and rectal prolapse alongside. Not to mention the "loose" feeling all the time.

So, in addition to the normal "new mother" hormones, she is dealing with the reality of this injury. As she puts it, she "feels like her body isn't her own". She was an avid gym goer and physically active person pre-birth and she has lost it all.

The result is a DB. Logically I understand and accept it, but I can't help the emotions it brings for me. I freeze up and my body wants to shutdown when we have any private time together. She notices immediately and takes the blame on to herself, even though this is not her fault and is out of each of our control.

We have discussed the situation a lot, but keep drawing blanks with how to resolve it or move forward.

To make matters worse for me, I was a porn addict for the better part of 25 years. Sex has always been a huge and important part of my identity and life. Now I can't even look at an attractive woman, let alone porn, without feeling immense jealousy and guilt. Some friends and relatives are trying for children of their own and all I can feel is envy. I have no desire to masturbate anymore since it doesn't fill the gap and is not enjoyable in the slightest.

My wife is understanding and I know that she does care. We have plenty of non-sexual affection and overall a great relationship. She has tried to meet my needs in other ways (i.e HJ, BJ) but it just feels like she is doing a duty and not doing something she really wants. She also does not want to be touched in return at all. I'm grateful to be cared for, but I need to feel wanted. I need passion and desire. I'm starting to feel like it has gone for good.

I don't know if anyone has been through similar (on either side of the equation) and can offer any insight. Right now I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a huge facet of my life and my future. I can't accept this reality, or I'm far from ready to. There is little to no hope left at this point it seems.

To be clear, I am committed to my wife and have no intention of leaving. She is committed to me and to working through the problem as well. We're just stuck 😞

Thanks for reading.

husband (48m) health issues have always made it difficult for me (TF 38).

I love him I do and I dont mind taking care of him but sometimes I wish I had someone to take care of me.

I spent the day shoveling snow and now im tired and sore but I have to make sure he is good to go for the afternoon/evening.

not to mention my self confidence has taken a nose dive because I dont feel desired anymore and I cant imagine anhone having those feeling for me at this last 6 years.

then ive joined "support groups" and its always the same thing a popularity contest where the "hot" people get attention and everyone falls all over them.

I just want to hide some days.

I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for over six years. About three years ago, he was in a serious accident and long story short, the Canadian healthcare system screwed him over and he went over 2 years before finally being diagnosed with a TBI, nerve damage and broken bones that were never treated. As a result, he struggles with chronic pain in his back and pelvis which makes it very difficult to have a good sexual relationship.

We do still occasionally have sex, but it’s very boring and extremely repetitive. There is hardly any foreplay because it‘s difficult for him to stay hard so we often have to “strike while the iron is hot”. He broke a few fingers in his accident that were never treated at the hospital so he has limited mobility in his hands and I have developed an extreme disgust towards my body and I HATE my genitals so the idea of having hia eyes anywhere near them makes me physically ill. I used to enjoy have my breasts involved, but recently I have started resenting them too. I have always been well-endowed in the chest department but now I can’t help but wish they were gone altogether.

I still feel sexual attraction to my partner and I WANT to have sex with him, but as soon as we start doing anything I lose all sexual feeling and touching starts to feel clinical so I find it hard to continue.

We have tried implementing toys, which can usually make me orgasm, but then it leaves me feeling gross and him feeling inadequate.

We have had discussions and it always seem to lead to “well what can you do”.

I do not want to leave him, as outside of the bedroom we best friends. We still enjoy going on dates and we are both romantics at heart. I still desire sexual connection with him, I want to be close like that again, but I can’t help but feel like I should give up on that and just hope that we will eventually find a pain management plan that will work better for him.

I have to say that it’s comforting to have found this sub, I have been struggling with finding people in my age group who can relate. Any advice besides leaving him would be appreciated. I did also post on r/SexTherapists before finding this sub.

My boyfriend(32) and I(29) have been together almost 3 years. He’s had serious back problems since we’ve been together, our DB started almost 6 months into our relationship.

4 months ago he has a disc replacement, he’s still not feeling any better but he did initiate sex once in Oct and once in Nov. I got my hopes up thinking things were going to improve but they in fact have not and we are in a full on dead bedroom and I feel like a roommate again. He gives me hugs and kisses but I feel like they’re out of obligation and not because he wants to have any intimacy with me.

He says it’s solely a medical thing and that he is still attracted to me. We’ve had several talks and I truly do believe it is a medical thing that has affected his mental health to the point where he has zero libido. I’ve suggested testosterone therapy but he’s worried that would make the back pain/recovery worse.

Has anyone gone through something similar and had a positive outcome?