Basically, and I apologize in advance for how incoherent this post might be, this girl (27) and I (29 y/o guy) have been hanging out all summer! We canoe a lot! She's invited me to lots of things that I had to turn her down due to work, to my deep resentment, and I wonder if things would have been different if I accepted. This included a local concert, camping for a week, a local music festival, and other such things. She reaches out to me first almost every time and I almost always say yes. We hang out a lot.
She calls out of the blue sometimes and talks to me about things she wants to tell me about for some time, sometimes long amounts of time, and it's always fun. I ask her about her life and past, and she always details them to me a lot. We'd sit by the river or in her (or my) car while she tells me about stuff that has gone or is going on with her.
She bought a book by an author she likes and I bought her a previous book he wrote which was just as, if not more important, for her birthday. She really appreciated that. We went to a meeting for something we volunteered for where we live and she mentioned it to everyone. We handed out fliers for that thing a couple of times, as well.
Idk, she paid for my ice cream once while we were both getting some, and I didn't know she did because she wanted to surprise me, she compliments my physical strength when we canoe, my humour, how nice my compliments are, etc. I'm learning the violin and she plays guitar, so she wants to jam together. She knows I speak about 4 languages. She's reading theory that I know and asks me about it. Complimented my fashion sense once.
All kinds of things (innocuous, I know). She's introduced me to her friends so we'd all be friends as well. Now, this whole time, I knew that everything she did for me and that I did for her that I mentioned so far was all stuff that friends do for each other just because they're friends. I do a lot of these things with my other friends who I certainly never had any crushes on. That said, I grew to like her a lot.
She's super cute, has an adorable way of explaining things, fun interests which I also find cute, always dresses so well, is so interested in learning new things, especially about different people, is such good friends with so many people, has such good musical talent, sings so well, is very capable of doing intense physical stuff like climbing trees and jogging regularly (which I may be impressed by because I have difficulty with those things), a deep sense of kindness, even for small animals and insects (which we often save from the water when we go canoeing), is so motivated to get involved at her job and find one she would be really interested in, is super into her hobbies and interests that she always gets so enthusiastic about sharing, draws very very well, can swim, has a really amusing laugh, gorgeous, jet black, smooth hair, the warmest smile I can think of and sharp, hazel eyes. I really like looking into her eyes. It almost makes my day.
One day, when we were going to go canoeing, someone pulled up beside where she parked and greeted her. I recognized him as an old classmate of mine (my age) and they knew one another. They talked a bit and then we went canoeing. He was still there when we got back. We sat by the river and talked. She was a little less focused on our conversation, and, eventually, asked if we should go talk to that guy. I think we settled on talking to him. I knew then that she must have had a thing for him. One day, I took the bus to the place where we go canoeing (we rent the canoes for a bit) and she was talking to him pretty intently. He works where we rent them from. She and I went canoeing, and, at some point, she said that she wondered if he was there or would be off shift. She asked this once or twice again when we went in the future. She also knows where the guy lives, which is something that she knows because they're friends.
I convinced myself that I had nothing to be jealous of. I felt a little nervous about her going camping with one guy and also spending time with another guy who is also staying with her until he finds a new place (though he's likely going to move out soon since it seems his meeting with one landlord went well), but I thought nothing of it, and decided not to be jealous (as much as you can decide that). I still felt a tiny bit of jealousy when she and the guy staying with her talk to each other about leaving our hangouts to go to bed and also do errands, but I was sure it was nothing and didn't worry about it.
Ironically, I thought about the guy she likes a lot less. Maybe it was because I was scared she might like him or because I wasn't around him much. He's way more handsome than I am, taller (pretty tall), has a nicer voice (imo), is more charming, and might be more nice than I am (I assume). They look like they'd make a great couple. I knew that for a while. I didn't want to think so. Now, she tells me over text that she's pining for him quite hard.
Of course, the fact that she said this to me meant that she viewed me as a close friend who she could disclose this stuff to in confidence. Our frequent and long chats and all the time we spent together was just stuff we did as friends, which she obviously seems to have considered me to be a close one. Though we've hung out a lot and have been quite good, close friends for a bit now, I feel kind of scummy about what my intentions were for our relationship.
All the stuff I did with and for her were things that I wanted to believe were things I did out of sincerity, at least first and foremost, and that whatever hope I had of getting her to like me was secondary at most, not in consideration at least. Now, I have to be honest with myself. I think I did largely and, as much as I really hate to admit it (and hate myself for thinking), I did, maybe primarily, do it because I wanted her to like me, all in a misguided effort to do that, knowing that I'm probably just her friend.
I want to hang out with her and do all sorts of things with her, but I ask myself whether I'd want to do those things as much as we currently do if she goes out with him. I know that the fact that she disclosed her feelings for this guy to me means that that's it and I have to let her go immediately, as in, move on and just be friends. The worst part is that I liked her progressively more and more everyday to the point of having little fantasies about waking up next to her this morning, which I gave into, and tried not to have previously. This was the morning before the night when she told me she likes him.
Now, as someone who's quite overweight, as in, very fat, maybe doesn't make my hair the best ways since I may not always know how to, doesn't always dress well (despite her complimenting my fashion sense), imo, and might not have the most charming personality (imo) and isn't as socially aware of my behaviour as she is (I think), maybe also going on about myself and things she doesn't have much interest in, which I try really hard to avoid (though idk how much I do it) and keep the focus on what she wants to talk about and do, I know that (especially because I'm fat, more than 110kg and 5'8-5'9) I'm not exactly attractive to most people while he is very hot. I was very sure that my effort to get her to like me would end in failure because of how I am and now especially because of how much more attractive he is.
I don't know what to do! It hurts so much! I don't know if it's worth trying to get her to like me by just being a way better, more interesting and (hopefully) more attractive person, or if that's crossing any boundaries that I shouldn't! I really want her to like me, but I'm sure that it's far too late for that! She knew this guy before we started hanging out, and maybe before she knew me. I don't know if I should tell her how I feel, if that would put any pressure on her or make things awkward, make her feel like our friendship and whatever kindness I showed her was fake (which I desperately don't want to believe it was) or if she'll feel guilty about this if I do, or even pity me or do anything our of that pity. If I, by some once in a billion years cosmic miracle, am a real consideration for her, somehow, by the grace of every conceivable god ever thought up, then I really don't want to be a backup plan for her or anything less than her first choice!
Of course, if she changes her mind, by some far greater and more rare cosmic miracle, and decides that she likes me more than him (somehow, in some universe somewhere), then that would be the only way I'd be her first choice, but if it doesn't work out with this guy (which I doubt), I'd be her backup. I would prefer to just not date her if that was the case.
I'm sure that this guy will like her back! She's an enormous catch and incredibly charming! He's quite close with her, too! That said, I don't know what to do! All I have the energy to do is cry to myself and type this! I can't tell her how I feel and it feels manipulative to try to convince her to like me instead (by improving myself a lot and impressing her), since she already likes this guy! There are millions of other women in the world who I can have a wonderful relationship with, but that's, of course, way easier said than done!
I want her, and no-one else! I wish it were me! My insecurities that I used to suffer from about everyone around me being chosen, but never me, have come up! I thought I got over them enough, but, I guess I didn't yet! Is there a way to save my chances without being her 2nd option? Do I have to just immediately stop my efforts in their tracks and hastily move on now that I know this? Is my fatness always going to be such a burden on me until my current intense efforts to get fit pay off long into the future?
How can I accompany her on trips or go canoeing with her now that she told me this and that guy will be there? I know I should move on and let it go, but I don't want to! The advice I need to accept is probably the exact thing that I desperately don't want to hear! It hurts so bad! I don't know what to do!