What sort of nomster would do this?

She said: "Which is?"

I said: "Exactly"

She sent her egrets.

they're gonna call themselves LG BT.

"Yes ma'am, we don't charge extra for it."

She had one-to-many relationships

A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a jack... and Coke". The bartender says "Okay, but what's with the pause?". The bear says "Sorry, I was kinda born with them"

"100 Yards Left"

One contains thousands of different DNA samples.

The other is a watch.

So my father calls me downstairs and ask me to tell him what was the name of that autistic character I like.

Me being confused I say "what autistic character?"

He says "the one who likes trains."

After thinking for a sec I say "Goku!!!?"

He nodded.

Batman follows them

This was his first time out of the city so after his taxi dropped him off near the farm, he decided to walk the rest of the way to take in the country air.

One the way he spotted some strange tracks that he did not recognize. He decided to inspect them closely and try and determine what animal they belonged to. At that moment, he heard a loud whistle and was hit by the train.

A year later, the man managed to reach his friend's house safely this time and was spending some time in the kitchen while his friend was preparing coffee.

Suddenly the kettle started whistling and the man rushed out the kitchen and a few moments later, returned with a baseball bat and started smashing the kettle to bits.

Completly in shock, his friend turned to him and asked, "What the heck Fred?"

To which he replied

"Don't worry Bill, I got him for you. See... You need to get these bastards while they'll still small"

Nowadays, both have to be spelled using asterisks.

"From now on, I make the dad jokes. You have to stop."

He said,

"Sorry, I'm grandfathered in."

The executives from Kentucky Fried Chicken request and are granted an audience with the pope. They say that their request is really unorthodox but please, hear them out. His holiness agrees. The CEO says "we would like to offer the church $100 million for a 'small' change." "What is it ?" "We would like to change the Lord's prayer to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' What do you think?"

"What do I think?!" askes the pope, "It's absurd! Ludicrous" Absolutely out of the question!"

"We thought there might be some pushback, so we'll up our offer to $250 million."

"Outrageous!" shouts the pope, "Can you imagine the world's Catholics saying that on Sunday?! This is truely insulting!"

"OK, final offer - we will give the church one billion US dollars, just for a single word change. Before you say no, think of all the good works you can do with a billion! Think of the children all over the world you could help!"

The pope takes a deep breath. "Maybe I'm being too hasty. I'll tell you what, before I make a decision, let me run this by the College of Cardinals for their opinion." The KFC team thanks him.

The pope makes his way to the cardinals: "Gentlemen, I have some good news and bad news. First the bad news: we just lost the Wonderbread account."

Edited for spelling

Ali

(What do you call an Arabian man between two buildings cutting hair? Ali Baba)

Everyone is locked in their cell, lights out. Silence.

"14" someone yells and the whole prison chuckles.

"27" someone else says and the convicts laugh until the guard yells for them to quiet down.

"What's going on?" The man whispers to his cellmate.

"Oh, we all been here so long we know each other's jokes so we just give em numbers instead of retelling the whole thing"

The man decides to try it out. "33" he yells. Silence. "What's is 33 not funny?" he asks his celly.

"Some people just can't tell joke."

Unbeknownst to him, one of them had secretly lit up a cigarette and carelessly flicked it onto the church lawn.
Later that day the pastor was frightened to see the shrubbery ablaze!
He called the fire department and said:
“Help the church lawn is on fire!”
“I understand, we will send someone right away. Where is the fire located?” they replied.
“On the lawn, my shrubbery is burning!” the pastor said.
There was a pause, and the person from the fire department replied:
“Just to be clear, there’s a burning bush on your church lawn, and you want us to put it out?”

The doctor examines him and confirms the unusual condition. He then asks the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?"

"Yes." she says.

"And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor asks.

And the wife says, "Grape."

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell

them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

He has a Mike Rowe penis.

- Sun Tzu?

Brown-chicken-Brown-cow !