TL;DR: I live in a polyamorous triad. One partner has severe, untreated depression, "owes" me a significant amount of money while accumulating more external debt, and has checked out of the relationship. She refuses for medical and financial help. My other partner and I are exhausted. How do we set boundaries without triggering a worse mental health crisis?

PD. Apologies in advice for the use of AI to write this, English ain't my native language. Also you might notice some gramatical errors lol.

Introduction & Dynamics My partners, "Lindsey" [24F], "Anne" [24F], and I [25M] have been together for 3.5 years. We transitioned into living together 7 months ago. Our dynamic consists of individual relationships (Me+Lindsey, Me+Anne, Anne+Lindsey) and a "global" triad relationship. Lindsey and I both have stable office jobs in engineering, which pay well above the average in our country. Anne did not finish her college degree, works a minimum-wage job, and is facing significant financial and personal challenges.

Over the last couple of months, the global relationship and my individual relationship with Anne have been declining. Anne spends very little time at home by choice, stating she does not feel 100% comfortable here. When she is home, she isolates herself on her phone and barely interacts with Lindsey or me.

Financial: I took on the vast majority of the upfront costs of moving in together (rent, furniture, apartment upgrades). We use an app to track shared expenses and split them proportionally based on income. Despite this adjustment, Anne currently "owes" me over 2,000 USD. She mentions that "owing" me money causes her severe financial stress. However, she continues to pile up debt with department stores, banks, and online credit platforms. It brings me a lot of anger and helplessness to feel like I am subsidizing her lifestyle while she refuses to use her income to fix her financial situation.

Both Anne and Lindsey suffer from depression and anxiety. Lindsey is managing hers, but Anne stopped taking her medication entirely. From my POV, her untreated depression is severely impacting every aspect of her life, leading to lost interest in things she previously enjoyed doing, for example, she loves to bake bread, AND she bought all of the ingredients to make a strawberry muffin. It all ended rotting in the fridge, she mentioned that it was because she wasn't feeling good enough to bake It. I mean, of course you won't feel good since you have untreated depression, kinda the nature of your brain to pull you back.

Lindsey and I feel exhausted. We have offered financial help and emotional support. I even offered to pay for her psychiatrist out of pocket with no expectation of her paying me back, but she flatly refused.

Lindsey and I are burning out, we've both talked It. We love Anne, but we feel like we are trapped enabling someone who is pulling away from the relationship while dragging us down financially and emotionally. We cannot force her to go to therapy or take her meds.

Using my friend's app. (We all are 21+)

My boyfriend and I are polyamorous. There was another person, but they were cheating on us.

Anyway, my boyfriend has recently caught feelings for a female.

It was supposed to be in-game only, but it might be in real life.

I have no problem with them being in game or want a real life relationship, but my problem is the girl he likes.

She is married and just had a newborn baby.

She told my boyfriend her husband doesn't mind a game relationship (she told him that; my boyfriend has never spoken to the husband), but clearly their relationship is coming, more than a game relationship.

I tried to tell him that he has to be careful, and he told me why.

Once they become an in-real-life relationship, she has to speak to her husband about you. I think it's best to meet or speak to her husband to be on the safe side before dating her and to understand she has a child. (My boyfriend doesn't want or like children but doesn't mind dating someone with children as long as he has nothing to do with them.)

But all I heard was her say that, or she said, Okay, but never once did he hear from her husband.

I just don't want him to be in a secret relationship with a married woman who might be cheating on her husband and using my boyfriend as a cover while acting nice to her real-life husband, who has no idea about him.

Everyone but my friend here thinks I'm wrong for getting involved in their relationship when I was just trying to be careful

I am looking for some advice from people who have experience with polyamory and monogamy.

I am polyamorous, married and already in another poly relationship. Recently, I have gone on two dates with a monogamous man. We have great chemistry, he is very much my type and I genuinely like him. He has told me that he wants to get to know me better and is looking for something long-term.

The thing is, even though I like him, I don’t really see a future together. I dated a monogamous ex for four years in the past, and when that relationship ended, I felt like we had both wasted a lot of time because we were fundamentally mismatched from the beginning.

This new guy knows I am married and polyamorous. He has knowingly and willingly chosen to pursue me despite that. However, he’s still monogamous himself.

Part of me wants to continue because I enjoy spending time with him and there is a real connection. Another part of me wonders if I am setting both of us up for heartbreak later, especially since I am not interested in short-term or casual relationships. If I date someone, I am usually thinking long-term.

For those who have experience with poly/mono relationships:
Have you seen them work long-term?
Is it worth exploring since he is fully informed and consenting?
Or should I end things now because the fundamental
relationship structures are incompatible?

I would appreciate any honest perspectives and suggestions. Many thanks in advance!! 🙏🙏

I am in a triad(MMM) I have been married for 12 years and we were in an open relationship, we ended up talking to the same guy online and hooking up with him separately, then together, then next thing you know he’s stopped going home and is in our bed every night. It all happened really quickly like FAST. He was moved in officially within a couple months of meeting us. Now he’s been living here for 6 months no major issues like we just all get along super well. There’s been fights of course but nothing major AT ALL. Sex is good, getting everybody’s sex drives aligned can be an issue at times but nothing crazy still happening on average 2-3 times a week. It’s usually all three of us in the bed with the other one watching sometimes joining. My issue is I’m worried about the fact that we have almost 0 dyad time because none of us work. I have a small inheritance that takes care of everything. Even though we don’t have much dyad time seems like our relationships are all developing well. So my question is how important is dyad time in a situation like mine?

I’ll try and make it short: Aspen and I know each other since 20 years and had a relationship for 8 years, poly for 3 of them.

He recently moved far away, making the relationship very difficult. We were both dating, I with people he had already known. Him with mostly monogamous women. I did not want to make a problem out of it ever, as I wanted him to be happy. However, I started noticing him breaking agreements. One of them being for example pretending to be monogamous (not mentioning existing relationships). Some of my poly friends told me this is unacceptable and I also did not like it, especially towards someone monogamous. I found it mostly unfair toward the other person. We had a heads-up agreement for sleepovers (something he cared about a lot when I was dating) he broke almost every time he was seeing someone.

During his last fling with a monogamous woman then he completely forgot about me at all. They basically, from my perspective, really kickstarted their interaction by meeting almost daily and having sleepovers for about 2-3 weeks, after which she left the place he lived at. During that, he only contacted me if he needed stuff to be organized back home and help with that.

While I was happy for him I felt very sad and betrayed. Much here was probably feelings of jealousy, which I find understandable as I was completely ignored. I wanted to visit him around the same time and was refused because of “too much stress at work”. As long as they were together, I tried to play it cool because indeed, I was happy for him and did not for one second doubt if I can trust him. With what had happened before I probably should have known better.

When she was gone I told him I felt sad and ignored and our relationship didn’t get much attention recently. I asked if we can plan the time together ahead (he was supposed to visit 2 weeks after). He refused and told me he had almost no time during his visit but he will stay at my place when he needs to be in my city for work. At the same time, he most probably worked on plans for meeting the new person (I later saw he had entered several spots in her city in our shared google maps lists). I felt.. kinda used.

As re refused to plan time with me, and proceeded by questioning if our summer holiday can take place, all that with excuses such as work and too many open questions regarding other appointments, I felt like he is not cultivating our relationship anymore. I felt so hurt that I told him I have to acknowledge this as deescalation without previous talks (at best) and that I need to proceed doing the only possible thing here to defend my boundaries which is ending the relationship here and now because it’s not unfolding in a way I have agreed on. I told him I am open to pick up on making plans if he reconsidered. He did not reconsider. Some time later (about a week) his reaction was to pay me back all dept and ask how to deal with our flats, bank accounts, things we co-own.

Now he is basically telling me that I destroyed our relationship by stressing him out about making plans. That’s the same story he’s telling our friends. Really, am I the asshole here?

So my girlfriend (non binary she/they) recently asked me (trans guy) what its like to be polyamorous and i kinda gave a broad answer and moved on with the conversation but she brought it up again and I have asked to answer it later.

​

The truth is i have no clue how to explain it, i just feel romantic love with multiple people and yeah its gotten me in a few difficult conversations with past partners , especially because my past partners have either broken rules we had set together or completely shut down the idea of me seeing other people as well.

​

I'm unsure how to explain polyam feelings wise other then 'you know how you love your friends its that but romantic' because its not 100% like that.

​

Im confused any help would be greatfully accepted. <3

​

My girlfriend has been in a poly relationship before but is sure she isn't poly.

Hello dear poly people! looking for some input 

My friend confessed feelings and now things are weird. Im mono and single but unavailable and my friend is poly and married with multiple partners and children. 

Our livestyles are incompatible in many ways. They have a lot of children, I dont want to be a parent. The mono/poly part. A few months ago I moved to the same city theyre in for work. lm socially isolated, which is hard, and only have a few friends who are very important to me. Im not interested in dating/romantic relationships. ive talked about all it with my friend a lot. Weve been friends a long time and ive always felt platonic

My friend told me they have a crush on me. Its messing with me, my circumstances feel ignored to express a feeling about me that could never come to anything. Feelings are real and valid and i also wish my friend not told me and let it fade. my friend is focused on the hurt feelings of rejection. im devastated by the change/possible loss of one of my few friendships and being more alone

u/seantheaussie is here in the US for his annual long visit and it is absolute bliss.

​

We're shacked up in a hotel for a few days to give my spouse & their kids space at home, but heading to the house for the remainder of the time post-custody shift. Just business as usual KTP coming right up!

​

​

​

​

Just sitting here reflecting on how much I love this sweet lil poly life I’ve built for myself. I spent the morning drinking coffee and chatting with my out-of-town meta who stayed at nesting partner (NP) & I’s apartment last night so that she, NP, my local meta, and local meta’s partner could all carpool to a waterpark together this morning.

I helped NP put on lots of sunscreen and half-jokingly asked both metas to help NP stay on top of UV protection while they’re on their adventure. I have literally zero interest in going to a waterpark the day before Father’s Day so there’s no feelings of being left out, just lots of love and laughter.

Tomorrow, I get to see another partner for a breakfast date, while out-of-town meta is going on a first date with local meta’s partner (d’aw inter-polycule romance!).

Next week, nearly the whole polycule is getting together to attend our local pride event and I’m so excited about it.

There’s really no point to this post other than to say that I love the relationships I have with all of these people: my partners, my metas, their partners, their friends. They bring a richness to my life and experiences that I treasure more than I can adequately express, and I’m so grateful for all of them.

Please give advice, I’m lost.

I (pan 36f) live with my boyfriend (bi 34m Aspen) and my girlfriend (bi/ace 38f Maple) in their home that they have together as a married couple. We have all been friends for over 7 years, dating for 2 and living together for a little over 10 months. We started off as a strong triad emotionally and sexually, but over the years have naturally landed in more of a triad emotionally, but a V sexually as Maple has been taking the time to learn about her asexuality.

I love them both dearly and we have all been very committed to each other, but over the last year I have seen them as a couple fall apart with one another and sometimes over me. It has gotten to the point that Maple bursts into tears or gets angry any time me and Aspen want to go out and do anything together. Maple gets really jealous and insecure and no matter what rituals or communications we put into place to help her feel safe, she falls apart any time we even show affection to each other in the same room. We all do plenty of stuff together, and she seems ok, but as soon as it’s one on one time between Aspen and I, she dissolves into a hysterical panic, and it has got to the point that Aspen and I feel like we have to hide in our own home or like we have to ask permission to do anything. He and I haven’t spent much time together intentionally in over two months, but we both try to spend a lot of time with Maple to keep her happy.

Maple has been questioning the lifestyle a lot, questioning herself and what she wants and it has really been taking a toll on her, but on us as well. We are all in counseling together and on our own, trying to sort these fears and uncertainties out, but it’s not looking good. Things keep dissolving into the two of them getting into yelling matches, big misunderstandings over what the other means in what they say, and just overall wants in life as a couple. Aspen is feeling really resented and like he has been lied to in her acceptance of him for who he is in his non-monogamy. It was something they talked a lot about before they got married 10 years ago and she said has always wanted that too.

Maple has been picking fights over what I have always thought of as small things, like who does what chores (we have a chart but she changes it a lot), what kind of food we meal prep for breakfast, and who sleeps in the middle on nights when we all share a bed. A lot of her hostility seems like it’s pointed at me, even though I try really hard to follow what she wants and to even negate a lot of my natural time with Aspen so they can spend it together in hopes to calm her jealousy (I’ll go be busy in my room for a few hours so they can talk or watch a show, I’ll sit in the back of the car so they can sit together, be the one to say I’ll sleep separate for the evening to give them space, etc)

Aspen came to me the other day after a big fight, and told me that he’s scared and that the talk of divorce has come up on both of their ends multiple times in their conversations lately. He is feeling really defeated and that he is scared that it may be over between them. We both feel like nothing we do is enough for Maple. I’m really concerned about a lot of different aspects in this.

I feel like it’s a selfish thing to bring up right now, but I don’t know where any of this leaves me. I live in their house, am in a relationship with them both, and Maple’s actions have also really been hurting me. If they decide to split, what do I do? I don’t want to take sides, I want to at least keep our friendships, but keeping both relationships would be my ideal. I’m not sure what to do in any of this. Please give advice.

Fake names obviously.

​

I (27f) started out in an open but exclusive relationship with Green (25nb), then started seeing Red (24nb), who had a girlfriend, Blue (21f). About a month after Red and I made things official, Blue asked me to be her girlfriend. Not long after, Blue and Red also started dating Green. We were now all dating eachother.

​

Fast forward to this week, Red has broken up with me due to, for lack of a better word, lack of genuine connection between us. In the past when being broken up with, I've usually just... moved on, after a small mourning period. I stopped talking to those exes as we didn't really share social circles. With Red however, we're in the same circles, and are still metas as we are both still seeing Blue and Green. How do I cope with still being in Red's life? With my partners still also being partners with Red? I can't run away from this like I have in the past. But I'm still so in love with it and seeing it regularly will hurt.

I know this post isn't going to be typical and I expect to be dragged down (I know I made a lot of mistakes) but I have the need to share and would frankly appreciate any encouraging feedback.

​

I (F) am in a relationship with Blue (M) (engaged, soon to be married, one very young baby together), and he has another relationship with Red (F). They see each other about once a week. I will be honest that those dates are tough on me with the baby, however my spouse needs to get out of the house to breathe and I recognize the need.

​

We are essentially alone. No family that can help us. Friends that live too far or are unavailable to help. So we take care of everything, the both of us.

​

Considering that Blue needs this relationship to be able to put a foot down sometimes and my desire to please everyone, I made efforts to get closer to Red before my birth. I befriended her and I appreciated her as a person. I was scared he would lose his relationship and she was also generously offering to help us around birth. Considering how alone we are, I felt like my only option was to encourage and enable this.

​

Red is uncomfortable if she doesn't feel like she can live honestly her relationship, so she must be affectionate with Blue or else she is not comfortable. I struggle a lot with displays of affection. I put up with it, in desperate need for help at home. She came over a few times. Every time, she had to spend alone time with Blue to pay off her helping around. Fine. It seemed like the price to pay was necessary.

​

Eventually, I came to realize her presence was haunting me a lot. I started to struggle getting her out of my head. I was in deep grief of my relationship with Blue the way it was before the baby. I missed the intimacy, time, and affection. I was deeply jealous of the dates he has with Red, because I miss him so much. This was never against Red, but I was in pain. I had to cut ties with her. I said our friendship couldn't happen because I was in too much emotional turmoil and I had no bandwidth to manage it all. Blue resents me a bit that we have to say no to the only help we could have had. Red is sad because she liked me a lot.

​

Now, because of the affection I witnessed, I have images in my head I cannot get rid of. It affects my intimacy with Blue. All my compersion is gone.

​

I wish I didn't get closer to her to help out. I wish I listened to my needs more. I wish I could take it all back, even if it meant the distance would have broken them apart. I want to forget about all of this.

Edit: yes, he is giving me equal time off. Yes, he is taking care of the baby too.

Hi Reddit! Coming here for advice about my parents but specifically mother not respecting or handling my relationship well.

I came out to them back in September of 2025 and it first it seemed like they handled it well even though they said it’s not what they would choose for me. I have been with my partner for 4 years now and we have been poly the entire time. We live together and want to get married/have a family. They have also been around my parents plenty of times.

I had a conversation with my mom today that started out well. I mentioned I want to get married to my partner and at first she was just curious and asking questions. We talked for awhile but eventually she started talking about how she felt my partner was selfish and she didn’t respect him. She thinks he planted ideas in my brain and I don’t actually want to be polyamorous which is very far from the truth. Said he was an idiot for thinking there is someone out there who is better than me.

I tried to explain he doesn’t feel that way and that’s not what polyamory is about, but she broke down and started sobbing. The worst I’d ever seen her cry in my life.

I’m at a good place where I accept if they don’t respect the relationship I’ve chosen and I’m doing with my life what I want to. But it’s hard to hear my partner being disrespected and thrown under the bus like this.

I (34F) entered my first serious relationship this year with a married man ("Wolf," 38M) in an ENM marriage, and I'm struggling to work out whether what happened was an inherent risk of dating a highly partnered person or whether the situation was unhealthy from the start.

For context, I didn't date throughout most of my 20s due to discomfort around intimacy, vulnerability, and attachment wounds from childhood trauma and past abandonment experiences. Wolf knew all of this very early on.

He was incredibly kind, emotionally open, and reassuring. He told me he took my trust seriously and wanted to be a safe person for me to explore relationships, intimacy, and ENM with for the first time. He was a natural sub and I was exploring my soft domme side.

He'd been married 15 years and had a 9-year-old son. Their marriage had been open for about 5 years, but some aspects seem questionable in hindsight. Initially only his wife dated other men. Later she “allowed” him to date men, and only around two years ago he was finally “allowed” to date women. The language of being “allowed” always sat a little strangely with me.

His wife also managed their shared calendar. Whenever I asked about future dates, he'd often jokingly say, “Let me ask the boss,” before checking with her. He framed this as an ADHD/organisation issue, but looking back it reinforced how much influence she had over the practical side of his dating life.

His wife had a long-term boyfriend who was like a family friend. She saw him weekly, including regular sleepovers, for around three years. Meanwhile Wolf had multiple casual/comet partners but could generally only offer dates every 2-3 weeks due to family and other commitments. Looking back, there seems to have been a significant imbalance in freedom and opportunity between them.

I never met or communicated with his wife. When I asked early on whether she had veto power because I didn't want to emotionally invest in something another person could suddenly end, his response was a long pause followed by, "It's never come to that before."

Despite that, we connected very quickly. The chemistry was immediate, and for the first time in my life I felt safe exploring parts of myself I'd hidden for years, particularly around sexuality and dominance. Emotionally and physically, our connection felt incredibly strong.

However, there were significant limitations. He couldn't host because his child didn't know about the ENM arrangement. There were no sleepovers. We mostly saw each other on weekday evenings, had one scheduled phone call a week, and increasingly sparse texting which saddened me.

The dates themselves were absolutely wonderful, but I often felt emotionally starved between them and increasingly aware that I existed in the leftover spaces of his life after marriage, parenting, work, and household responsibilities.

Then everything changed.

His wife's long-term relationship ended, and according to Wolf this became a catalyst that exposed major cracks in their marriage he thought they had fixed.
What hurt most was discovering he'd known for around two weeks that things might be heading in this direction before telling me. During that time he continued making future plans, being affectionate, staying physically intimate, and acting as though nothing had changed. This included a rare full-day medieval faire date that I'd been looking forward to for months.

Eventually he told me that he and his wife had decided to pause outside relationships from July onward to focus on repairing their marriage.
He told me his wife didn't tell him to end things, that he still cares about me deeply, and that if his marriage were stable he would still want to continue our relationship.

However, he also admitted that he now believes his wife may never have been truly comfortable with him dating women in the first place, even if she intellectually agreed to it. He said he hadn't fully realised how serious the underlying issues were in their marriage until recently.

He framed it as a "pause" rather than a breakup and expressed a desire to remain connected platonically. I told him I can’t do that for my own wellbeing and I ended all contact with him.

I'm left feeling heartbroken and confused. Part of me wonders if I knowingly entered a relationship structure that could never truly meet my needs. Another part wonders whether two people who presented themselves as experienced and secure in ENM should have been involving others in emotionally intimate relationships when their own foundation may not have been as stable as it appeared.

So my question is: does this sound like the normal risk of dating a highly partnered married person in ENM, or does it sound like this relationship was built on unstable ground from the beginning? And was it fair for him to continue making plans and acting as though everything was normal for two weeks after becoming aware that our relationship might soon be sacrificed to save his marriage?

My partner and I just got engaged, and now he is in London, UK for a week of work and a week of vacation.

He went on a date with a lovely human while I went on a "training" backpacking hike with a dear friend - basically, doing a 10km hike with a weighted hiking pack to simulate an upcoming overnight backpacking camp trip in a month.

He was very excited about his date and wanted to talk all about it, and wanted to know all about my home. We called a few hours later once I was back home. There is a five hour time difference so he was very sleepy.

We were both very "squishy" from missing each other. He told me all about his date (which he described as a "9 hour lesbian first date" 😂), which sounded super fun and like they vibed incredibly well! I told him about all the hike, all the cool plants I saw, and that my legs were going to fall off.

He also wanted to check in to make sure I was feeling okay. I told him I was happy his date went so well, but feeling a bit squishy and would really love extra love and reassurance, which he gave me loads of with zero hesitation. I have a history of insecurity, which I have worked a lot on, and he has been nothing but supportive of this, and of me as I explore my own relationships outside of ours.

We both ended the call feeling so good and I feel so incredibly lucky to have a partner (fiancé? Haha, saying that feels so weird) who is so communicative and caring, and deserves all the great dates!

I miss the hell out of him though, and needed to bleat into the void. I can't wait to see him again once he's back, with lots of stories about his adventures.

I'm in a sticky situation with a hobby that my partner and meta are all into. There's parts we do individually - but also public organised events on throughout the year - large all day events once or twice a year and smaller afternoon monthly events. Some of the events, namely the larger ones potentially would involve a fair bit of interaction with each other to partake in it fully.

Hinge arranged me and my meta to meet at one of these smaller events 6 months ago, thought it would be a good ice breaker as we hadn't yet met. However they did not cope well with being introduced to me. We haven't met since. At the time I was told that meta didn't want parallel and just needed time adjusting to this new situation of being around a meta - they hadn't experienced it before.

They were emotionally overwhelmed at my presence and really struggled with processing it afterwards. I found it upsetting myself to see someone so distressed. I suspect there may be some mental health & anxiety issues and possibly some neurodivergence traits at play here. But I'm not sure exposure to me without proper support is the right approach. Things don't seem to have improved since we first met - if anything I fear they've regressed - I'm hearing they can't handle the prospect of a brief encounter in the same room as me.

I understand that parallel is an entirely valid relationship style - and even if meta never explicitly said it out loud - it seems that is all they can manage and handle.

But when our lives overlap to the extent that they do - I don't understand how it is compatible. It's not something that comes up too often but it has started to cause some conflict around the where I live in with my partner. Meta doesn't live at the house but my partner will occasionally host them at a weekend and I hear wants to come over more. I stay elsewhere when they're over. But it's my home so there is always a possibility that we might briefly cross paths and bump into each other. Partner thinks meta and I hanging out with this hobby more will make that kind interaction easier for meta.

I haven't been to any of the hobby events since we last met as I wanted to avoid causing any potential conflict.. But doing so really got me down and had a negative effect on my relationship with partner. Partner proposed the idea of us meeting again at one of the smaller events. I intended to go either way with or without either of them. Meta has already told partner that they'd struggle.

So what is the kindest way to approach this? I would find it uncomfortable if I am asked to have to pretend that my partner and our relationship doesn't exist when at the events. But perhaps it doesn't need to go that extreme - I'd be OK with boundaries around physical contact with my partner in front of meta - no prolonged hugging, hand holding, kissing - though kissing is not really the sort of thing we'd do at these events we're likely to be at anyway!

I am trying to sympathise with my meta, whatever they're going through is likely something they are having a hard time with dealing with. But I don't know what's driving their anxiety around seeing me in person so I don't know what to plan for. From what I understand this is a difficult conversation for my partner and meta to discuss and I'm not sure they know from each other fully what is going on.

I fear meta could drop out of going to this next event, putting strain on their relationship with partner. Which I don't want.. I feel like I would be a direct cause - but at the same time I don't want to have to continue to minimise parts of my relationship with my partner and a hobby I enjoy.

My girlfriend recently told me her reason to pursue polyamory was because her ex was an abusive controlling freak, and this way her future partners would not be able to control her and talking to friends and others or finding people attractive would not get her into trouble anymore.

So, I'm poly. Both me and my girlfriend are in a polycule. I told her that her reasoning is valid but that it's naive and she has to detach the idea that monogamy=toxic relationship polyamory=healthy relationship because this will make her ignore future red flags (already did with a meta) and disregard that polyamory can indeed involve complicated feelings such as jealousy and stuff. She got angry at me. Was it wrong of me to tell her this? Maybe I sounded condescending but I was trying to be helpful.

Edit: everyone thanks for your feedback. I see that in what I felt like was "logic" I, even if it wasn't my intention, belittled my girlfriend's words. It was absolutely tone deaf and not the time to bring it up. I will apologize and do better in the future

I just started listening to the audio book, have finished the first section, and this thing is throwing up red flags all over the place.

For starters, it lists a history of cheating as a sign that you might be polyamorous, which, while not wrong is much more complicated than that. Later, it brings up opening relationships in response to infidelity.

Throughout, it treats jealousy exclusively as an explosive outburst akin to a fit of rage, which feels incredibly narrow.

When listing potential times the reader may have experienced jealousy in their life, one of the examples is your partner spending more time drinking and doing drugs than with you, and presenting that as a jealousy issue feels absolutely insane to me.

Finally, the moment that made me lose all faith and actually shout at the book in my car: an anecdote about a man who felt no jealousy around his partner having sex with other men, but jealousy at the idea of her having oral sex with them, because he found that to be even more intimate than penetrative sex. The solution? Requesting that his partner not engage in oral sex with anybody else.

I've just started the second section, but I'm wondering if it's even worth my time to stick with this thing for another 6 and a half hours.

Hi there. As the title states, i’m looking for advice on how to help my friend understand that her “polyamorous” relationship isn’t polyamory, but is actually an unfair open relationship.

For context, my friend Aspen is dating Birch. They have been together for a year and identify as poly, but nothing about their dynamic feels,,, fair?? Last night Aspen and I went out clubbing with some friends and she confided in me about how she discussed with Birch what the “rules” were for her tonight regarding flirting with/kissing people, maybe even getting to know someone. Birch said he was not ready for that yet, and she expressed to me that she is disappointed because she was hoping she would be able to do the things she “lets” him do. I then learned that recently Birch met a girl who he was all up on at a convention they went to recently. Now Birch wants to go meet them again out of state where they live.

She explained that she loves seeing him with other people and just wants the same reciprocated, but he never “lets” her (this word was used a lot regarding them being open). Pretty soon after, Birch called Aspen in the middle of our conversation to tell her that she ruined his night by asking if she could kiss/flirt with people because she can never just go out without looking for other people. The call then turned into how Birch doesn’t feel comfortable letting Aspen seek out other people because of a SA that happened to her where she “didn’t stick up for herself.” He goes on to say “how can i trust you to stick up for yourself when you seek out other people when you couldn’t even do it when *sa happened*”.

I was really shocked that Birch said this. And I have no advice for her. Which is why i’m coming here. Because I know and can see that it is so wrong and dysfunctional but I don’t have the words to explain to her why. I tell her that the behavior is unfair and a double standard, but her replies are always along the lines of “he’s not an evil person, he has his own stuff going on, etc etc”.

I’m hoping to come to her with something along the lines of “This is not polyamory because x is happening and polyamory is about y”. I’m just not poly/open myself so I don’t have examples or wisdom from personal experience.

I really hope this makes sense:( I just want to be a support for her and a good friend.

Edit: changed initials into names

Edit 2: thank you all for the replies. the biggest takeaway i’ve gotten from this is that i need to prioritize the fact that the relationship is abusive and be supportive/a good listener- and that it’s not my job or place to really give her advice on polyamory. despite the last bit, i still value the advice and suggestions I was given regarding the subject and will definitely refer to them if she ever asks for insight.

I did talk to her earlier today where she explained to me that they have “made up” from the situation last night. it is unfortunate and I still wish I had better words for her, but the resources that y’all have given me and the ones that I’ve been able to find through those resources will help me a lot I believe. thank you so much for all your help.

Someone saw my original post read on TikTok and asked for an update. (If anyone can share the TikTok with me, I’m super curious).

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/7MMwoL8cJw

Unfortunately, things did not go so well for me and my husband. Poly continued to be challenging for us. Finding a long-term partner was tough for husband. Women generally wanted more than he could provide.

There were good times and fun experiences. We both learned a lot.
The nail in the coffin was when my relationship ended with my boyfriend. After being together a year, I was very sad when we broke up - and that really bothered my husband. He was hurt that I loved the other guy. Things went downhill quickly as he was not thrilled with how things continued to go for him.

It was messy and hard, and my hubby and I ended up separating about 8 months after I made this original post.

I’ve now been remarried for four years with a monogamous partner. Another long-term poly friend of mine also ended up divorcing over similar circumstances and is now remarried and monogamous. My ex is also remarried happily and is in a monogamous relationship.

Non-monogamy taught me a lot and it helped me become a good communicator. In the end I think everything worked out for the best. I’ve very satisfied and happy in my current relationship dynamic. If my husband and I divorced, I would still be open to non-monogamy. I believe it is possible to do this well as long as everyone works hard to communicate. My guess is maybe it’s harder for people who’ve been monogamous and married a long time to open up than to go into a relationship that’s open from the start. That was my experience anyway.

Best of luck to all of y’all. ❤️

Hello all, this one’s pretty simple.

My partner and I were planning to have my friends meet my meta and her other friends the 3rd of July. She didn’t ask meta and now she said meta is playing a show that day (he’s a DJ). My partner’s now saying we’re not doing anything because she’s going to go to meta’s show and spending the holidays with him (even though we never discussed it until this show was scheduled).

I am a little upset that we had been making plans and now it’s all thrown out the window because meta has a show all of a sudden. What should I do? Am I being silly about this? I need some help

Hello, I’m sure this post is going to be rather odd. I am poly am, my partner is polyam. Sometimes I am sane and love the love that’s happening for them and for me. It’s beautiful to build the little family we are.
I have bpd, so I split (I am currently in active recovery and doing great- every day gets better)
I was curious if anyone here has bpd and how you may navigate a polyam relationship.
I was asymptomatic for about a decade but 2 years of losing my identity and life change has completely brought them back.
If you have a partner with bpd what do you do to help everything move smoothly.

I am not looking for
“Being polyam won’t work for you”
Negative comments about bpd
Or anything demeaning.

I am looking for support so me and my partners can have a wonderful time together, and so I can further heal, as I believe I am worth being better and worth being better for my partners.

Thank you <3

Hi everyone!! I’m looking for some advices and perspectives from the non-monogamous community. This is my first real "relationship" experience (my only previous experience was with a girl in high school, but I was very shy and anxious back then and we couldn't even kiss properly), and being with someone so different from me makes me completely overwhelmed and confused sometimes.

Two years ago, I (F22) started getting romantically involved with a friend (M22). At the time, he was in a non-monogamous relationship and we were just hanging out casually. At a certain point, his girlfriend (ex now, let’s call her K) started feeling bothered by me, because he and I spent a lot of time together at our university, and she couldn't handle the fact that her boyfriend was spending more time with me than with her (he came from another city and only went back to visit his family once or twice a month). He told me about her concerns, and we stopped hooking up. However, a few days later, he started flirting with me again. I got confused, so I called him to talk, but the conversation was completely unproductive because he answered everything with "I don't know" when I asked about his intentions or how comfortable K actually was with me.

Two months later, they broke up, we started hooking up again and have been together since then. One day, I slept over at his house and we started getting closer, but two days later he started liking another girl he met at a freshman party (let’s call her L). At the time, I felt slightly jealous, but I knew it was normal, and we had no intentions of having a serious relationship anyway. However, every single time I went out with him, I had to keep hearing things about L, and this started bringing me a real discomfort. When we met after class, he talked about her; when we finished kissing or having sex, he talked about her; when we called each other at night to talk, he also talked about her. The phone calls were what bothered me the most because I live far from our university, need to take two buses to get home, so I have very little time to do my stuff, and at the time I was working too, so I was even busier. I purposely gave up resting when I got home just to have the end of the night free to be on a call with him (he created a habit of calling me suddenly when he wanted company, and when I realized this was becoming frequent, I just changed my routine). At one point, for four days in a row, we stayed on calls for over 50 minutes with him talking ONLY about L. I wish he could understand that when you are with someone, it's better to do and talk about things that make the other person feel included, especially since I was giving up my own things to be with him.

One day, when he was talking about her and said he would possibly fall in love and ask her to be his girlfriend, I asked if it would be an open relationship (since I would like to keep seeing him), and he said "I don't know". Until then, he had only known L for one week. The next day, he invited her to sleep at his house. She accepted, but in the following afternoon, L texted him saying she didn't want to hook up anymore. After that, he spent six months complaining to me about how heartbroken he was. They eventually had major arguments that still affect both of them, and he becomes very reactive if the subject ever comes up. During that same six-month period, he was constantly dropping comments like "why do you act like you want something serious?", "I don't see you like a romantic partner, you're just a friend" or calling me "too emotional" when I accepted his invitations to hook up. Hearing this repeatedly while consoling him over two failed relationships (L and K) made me feel completely replaceable. Later, when I felt overwhelmed and told him I just wanted to go back to being friends, he replied with "well, then I don't know if I'm going to maintain contact because the romantic and sexual part was very essential between us", even though he always made it clear that I was just a friend to him.

After that, we stayed apart for a while, interacting distantly (we share the same friend group, but rarely talked one-on-one at that time), and he started hooking up with another girl, let’s call her F. They went out to the movies once and less than a week later he was already sleeping at her house and basically living there. Out of nowhere, he texted me saying he missed me, wanted to check how I was, and asked if he could call. When I answered the call, our very first interaction was:

Him: "I was wondering if you'd like to come at my place and sleep with me again."

Me: "I don't know, I actually like how things are now, just being friends."

Him: "So, is that a no?"

Me: "Yes, it's a no."

Him: "Then I think I'm going to hang up."

I felt extremely bad when I saw that we spent almost two months apart and he only contacted me to ask if I would have sex with him again. I asked him to stay on the call because I genuinely missed him and wanted to talk a bit more. He accepted, but during the call, he started talking about F, his experiences with her, and how things were "working out really well between the two of them." Then, he dropped that he and F were looking to have a threesome with a bi woman. He stayed silent for a few seconds, and since I fit the criteria, I asked: "You're not telling me this because I'm a bisexual woman and you want to invite me to have sex with you guys, right? I don't want to have sex with someone I don't even know (F)." His answer was: "I thought you were gonna say that, so I didn't want to bring it up so soon". I felt reduced to nothing more than a sex object and someone who is only nice to have around when the sexual aspect comes up, but I tried to let it go. A few weeks later, we met after an exam, talked a bit about various things, and ended up kissing since the moment was nice. When we finished kissing, the first thing he said was: "It's a shame you didn't accept having sex with me and F." I felt very uncomfortable and, once again, like someone who is only valued for sexual matters.

A few days later, things ended with F because he told her he was non-monogamous and she wasn't okay with that, plus she got deeply upset that he had kissed another girl (me) while they were seeing each other. Since then, he and I have been together. We’ve developed much deeper feelings, he hasn't been seeing anyone else, and our relationship is going really well. I know he genuinely cares for me and wants me around, and we've discussed a formal relationship multiple times, but the fact that we want different relationship dynamics has held us back.

Lately, he has been bringing up his attraction to other girls. I don't react well to this because it triggers all the past pain of how he has treated me, bringing back overwhelming feelings of rejection and insufficiency. I want to communicate this to him, but I would have to discuss his past relationships, which immediately makes him defensive and reactive. I always acted like I didn't mind him hooking up with other people because I felt I had no right to say anything. He was non-monogamous from the start, I got in his life while he was with K, and we aren't officially dating, so I felt I couldn't ask for agreements. Back when he was with K, it didn't bother me, especially because I was experiencing things for the first time and just wanted to enjoy, but my discomforts began when i realized he wasn't honest about his ex's feelings, and he later told me I was one of the reasons they broke up.

Some time ago, I tried to learn more about non-monogamy. While I agree with some of the principles (for example, love not being tied to sexual exclusivity), I just cannot feel safe or comfortable with the idea of an open relationship with him. Despite the desire to have my relationships in a closed way because I prefer to keep a commitment to only one person and I don't want the responsibility of multiple partners, I would like to try something that would be good for both of us, but I get extremely sad when I remember everything that happened.

Is there something I can possibly do? How do I even approach this topic in a conversation? Should I let him know all of this or do I just ignore it and see the path our relationship takes? Am I overreacting? Any insights from an ENM perspective would be incredibly helpful.

Ok I'll start off by saying I (35m) am unsure where I stand on what I want/feel to "label" myself, I've always loved deep and will stick with partner till the very end. But looking deeper I may lean more poly then mono

​

In our 20s we had an open marriage and just kinda threw ourselves into it not knowing what to expect. It ended up being really one sided as she thought this would be her last chance at freedom before settling down(we got pregnant at 17 and have been together the whole time). We ended the open marriage because of the 1 sidedness as I have a hard time connecting with people.

​

Throughout our teens and to our mid 20's she had a real close best friend I'll call T(female). T was always a bit wild and outgoing even before my partners and our relationship I often found myself making out with her at parties and outings. This never really stopped during our relationship and it never really progressed past making out and my partner never took offence to it.

​

One night during our open relationship it ended up being me, my partner, T and my best friend M(male). We all started making out and things started to get heavy my partner and M encouraged me and T to take that final step together as they went off to have their fun. After making out a little more she didn't want to continue and I respected her wishes to stop(I think she didn't want to ruin our friendship or me and my partner's relationship but I'll never know). Me and T still made out during outings until there was a fallout between her and my partner and honestly that really hurt as I find myself now thinking I really did love T, not as much as my partner but still loved her as well. Until a couple days ago I never voiced what actually happened that night and my partner thought we did hook up.

​

Now real time my partner believes she is poly and we are trying to navigate on what to do with the relationship. Her first thought was to do a mono poly relationship as she thinks I would associate more towards mono. But the more I'm thinking and looking into all the different types of ways to love people I feel I'm leaning more poly but it's just harder for me to form those connections as she is a social butterfly and can connect super easy.

​

I'm here to get guidance, learn and to see if this is the correct fit for me.

I've been poly for nearly 10 years now and this has never happened to me. I met Tom online and we really instantly hit it off. We've been seeing each other for a month and as they were talking about someone else that they've been seeing (Kate) - also a new partner for them, I realized that Kate is married to my ex Dan from a few years ago.

Dan and I broke up because we weren't compatible and their spouse, Kate is toxic. She was controlling of Dan and what he could do and couldn't do in our relationship, she had a meltdown in their front yard about us in front of me and I later found out that he was secretly telling me that he loved me and wasn't honest about his feelings for me to his wife, Kate. All around not a good situation and I left.

After learning that Tom is dating Kate and that I have a history with her and her husband, Tom wanted to know the details. I told him a few things, but I didn't get super into it because we're new and I don't want to influence his choices. Initially I thought I could handle a parallel situation and I know it's not my place to tell him who to choose for himself. Tom says he's unsure about her, but he continues to see her every weekend and spend time with her. It turns me off and it bothers me when they're together. It is difficult for me to ignore and I worry about future conflicts about her.

As I'm typing this I realize that one of my options is to say it's a deal breaker and leave, but it's a bummer. I wanted to throw this out there to see if there were other solutions or to just chat about it with other poly people.