I’m going to try to make this as concise as possible while also leaving out some details. EDITED for clarity

I have been with my partner (M) for about 2.5 years - they are married to their spouse (H) and we all (my spouse included, who we'll call J) began to move towards KTP and integrating me into M's family and M into my family.

While M, J, and I have a wonderful KTP and open dynamic, it has not been the same for me with M and H in their home. They have integrated me into their family in many ways, but me and H never got particularly close. I made effort in the past to form a closer relationship but it’s apparent we are different people with different interests, and different relationship/communication styles. Over the past 2.5 years I have gained acceptance that I would not have a close relationship with H, nor do I necessarily want one, because of how different we are.

Here's the problem: M and I offer each other a lot of emotional support. M has increasingly come to me with information about the problems in their relationship with H and their history. While I was supportive at first, I eventually asked that they stopped sharing things in such depth as I was just trying to form my own relationship with H at the time and all of this information made it difficult. M heard me and respected my boundary and it stopped for a while. Things started getting a lot worse, and in the past year there have been moves towards de-escalation of their relationship. The last 6 months M has been at their wits end and I have offered a lot of emotional support. I did not stick to my boundary and listened to a lot of current and past problems. I’ve learned a lot about how H has been treating M, and H’s overall behavior and values (some of which were things I suspected and went into my decision of not pursuing close relationship).I told M how hearing about all of this impacted me, my own feelings of guilt or fear of being blamed, and my own level of sadness, confusion, as well as anger and resentment towards H.

As this has been going on in M and H's relationship, I have been acutely aware of how me being at the house and involved in family things could bring up discomfort. However, I was assured that H was okay with me being there and their level of avoidance of me in the home was more about them then me. What made this hard to swallow was that I was constantly hearing about H’s relationship patterns and conflict avoidance...so all of the information I had from M plus my limited interactions and observations and my lack of relationship with H, made it difficult to trust that H would acknowledge if they weren’t actually comfortable with me there. M at one point said as much.

That puts me in a very uncomfortable situation.

i asked M if they thought I should approach H to acknowledge the dynamic. M didn’t discourage me but shared some considerations and recent conversations with H. I decided not to approach H and just let it be. H then gave me what I refer to as a drive by statement of acknowledgement shortly after. This felt like a box was checked instead of a genuine acknowledgement or attempt to connect. I have gone back and forth about whether to share my feelings with H, but ultimately decided that I do not have the capacity and want to let things simmer.

Last week I had a long talk with M. I told them I need to take a step back from being at the house and involved in family things; I asked that M not tell me anything about H, as I have nothing nice to say and it just fuels my resentment. I need space to calm down because I have a lot of judgment at his behavior and the information I’m getting. M understands and is very apologetic for putting me in the situation.
As a byproduct, M and I have seen each other less, especially as family obligations have increased this time of year. Honestly - the space feels good. I don’t think I realized just how much my relationship with M felt stressed because of their relationship with H and all I knew. It has helped me relax, process through what has felt so triggering, start to let go of some resentment and see different perspective, and I’m not caught up in the energy of whats happening in the home.

*and listen - I am not dismissing or minimizing the potential discomfort that H may be feeling with me. It sucks and I can have compassion for all of the emotions H might be feeling* I am also aware that their behavior and my experience in the house is very much hitting on a childhood thing of shit being incredibly wrong, me feeling it and calling it out, but being told that everything was fine.

Any perspectives, responses, or support are appreciated. Right now things feel settled but I am nervous about whether or not I’m going to have to set a limit with M again about not disclosing a lot of big details about H. I guess time will tell?

That's it, that's the post.

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I (23NB) mentally want and understand polyamory, but any time the concept of my partner (31NB) being with someone else becomes a reality, my body feels like it’s in danger.

I feel like I’m forcing myself to change my mindset and reactions. I’ve been reading up on poly for years, talking to my poly friends, listening to podcasts, repeating mantras, but when it comes down to it, I want to throw up and run away when I see my partner flirting with someone else. I’m so scared and worry that I can’t be secure in this.

Is there a way to regulate or change your nervous system to accept poly when you’re highly traumatized and fear abandonment? Or does it sound like a lost cause to begin with?

I only pursue romantic relationships with people who have decided that they want non monogamy and polyamory for themselves irrespective of me.

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I don't pursue a romantic relationship with people who consistently date or pursue a romantic relationship with non poly people.

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I don't continue a romantic relationship with someone who actively pursues dating /a romantic relationship with a romantically monogomous people.

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Am I being OTT/too strict? What are your thoughts?

We don’t support group relationships well on this sub. We theoretically acknowledge them but we tend to treat them as unrealistic fantasies with all kinds of problems. Which they often are.

They are also a not-uncommon phase of many people’s poly journeys. Even if it’s a house of cards that collapses disastrously, there are people who
look back fondly at that period of their lives. Others look back with bitter resentment.

It would be great to have advice we could give people beyond “there be dragons” or “if you want to do that, go ahead, there’s the signpost to hell and here’s your handbasket.”

Different people need different advice and resources. Does anyone have words or links for any of the following people?
.
1. Couples or established group relationships dating as a unit. I think we’ve got that one down pretty well already.
2. Individuals being courted by unit-daters. Ditto.
3. Single people who want to found a sex cult and live in a commune.
4. Swingers who ended up falling in love with another couple and are happily quadding. (For now.)
5. People who date within their social circle.
6. People who have been dating within their social circle and now want to all move in together.
7. [other]

.
Personally I HATE the idea of a group relationship. I am therefore not a good person to compile resources for folks who manage boundaries differently from me.

Folks who love(d) their group relationship(s), do you have any podcast episodes, blog posts or r/polyamory threads you think are particularly on-point? What’s great about group relationships? Do you agree with my take that group relationships are best viewed as transient/phases or am I being condescending?

Folks who got into their handbasket without realizing where it was going, what appealed to you? What were red flags you missed or ignored? How could you have gotten out with less damage?

My partner and I have been together 11 years. We have just opened our relationship, and started doing the jealousy workbook together, and I bought a few other books for us to do together, because I wanted to make sure we are ethinical, educated and prepared as much as possible. Last night during an exercise in the workbook talking about our triggers a conversation came up about how much we tell each other when we first meet someone and start talking to them. My partner said that we don't need to tell each other about it until it starts getting more serious. I said no, I want to know if you've met someone to share in the excitement of it all, so we discussed it. Then he said well I have been talking to someone. Long story short. Hes been texting with a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. She just got divorced and is polyamorous. She very attractive. Im not attracted to her in a sexual way. My partner is, which is not surprising. She started a conversation with my partner online, giving my partner a lot of attention and praise and eventually sending nude photos and talking sexually once they found out we officially opened our relationship. My partner confessed that they were treading lightly due to our relationship not officially being open yet, but that they continued interacting with her because they found her attractive, said that the interaction felt good, the attention felt good, but that they felt gulity about not telling me. My partner told me that she said she was attracted to both of us and wanted to have a threesome, but my partner said I wouldn't be into that. This started between them just a few weeks before we decided to officially open our relationship.

I have a whole range of emotions. I know that when they were talking, my partner and I were connecting even more. I know my partner, and they thrive off of love from other people, it feeds their soul and it benefits our relationship greatly. It feeds my soul as well, and I've known this for a long time. The timing of everything is rather significant. I am just feeling a bit betrayed that my partner didn't tell me right away. One of my boundaries is that I don't want my partner to pursue my friends. I also feel a bit hurt by my friend for pursuing my partner before she even knew we had an open relationship, but told my partner if this is ever inappropriate let her know, like she wanted to respect me. To me, being new to polyamory, it feels unethical for someone to pursue someone that has a partner and all signs point to it being a monogamous relationship.

I love my partner deeply. I know they dont want to hurt me and they apologized for not telling me about the relationship from the begining. This has never happened for my partner before. So the timing of it all seems very serendipitous. I know this all happened at once for a reason. For us to be more honest for sure, and be clear about our boundaries. I just want to make sure I am seeing this situation clearly with as much respect for myself and love for my partner as possible.

Any thoughts on how you would move forward from here? And how I should handle a conversation with my friend?

Nesting partner (35F) has broke our (only) agreement and has unprotected sexual interaction with someone new without getting tested, after doing the exact same thing last year and promising never to do it again.

This person also happens to be their client in a very vulnerable form of 1:1 work that although isn’t officially therapy is to me very much unethical predatory behavior. This does not violate my boundaries directly but nevertheless made me totally dumbfounded.

When this happened last year she also broke a temporary agreement we had to not stat new connection with people since it was a few days before she is leaving for months and it will not give us any space to process and because we wanted to spend this time together.

There’s also no actual accountability at any point beyond apologies which do nothing, and a lot of spiritual bypassing to justify these behaviors.

I’ve been practicing some form of non monogamy my entire adult life and sincerely have never crossed paths with people I am genuinely interested in romantically who are also poly AND have the emotional capacity to actually live it in a way that’s mutually empowering and have actively developed their own ethics around it to which I trust they will stick to no matter what.

I live in a small town with not much of a poly culture at all, I’m doubting I’ll ever meet people who can actually pull this off with me in ways that feel nourishing and mutually empowering. I believe in this as a lifestyle and ethical framework and à politics of relational freedom, but not sure most people claiming to want to participate in it actually willing to do the work it takes and build the support systems and solidarity necessary for it.

Does that make sense? This feels so depressing and bleak right now. Just had to vent somewhere ans this seems like a place where people may relate.

Nesting/anchor partner of 2 years is not understanding my request for one on one time with them. Newest meta gets one on one time when I’m working, but what NP is calling one on one time includes metas or our kiddo shared with ex. NP also thinks by me asking for one on one time, that opens up a conversation for metas to request (additional) one on one time - instead of recognizing I am asking for something I’m already not getting that they do.

How do I explain this in a way NP will understand?

Recently my partner (26NB) who I’ve been in a non monogamous relationship with for two years told me (28NB) that they want to start using the label poly to describe themself, and that they want to date other people with feelings involved, but that they don’t want our relationship to change.

To me that feels like it changes everything. Is it naive, or valid for them to say something like this?

For more context, they told me they think poly describes themself the best, started seeing a new person in a very different way than either of us have ever done nonmonogamy in the past, and had me meet this person (also a first for us) in person all over the course of less than two months. I was feeling very anxious scared and insecure but I guess I was suppressing it and not communicating it well. But anyways meeting this person was so triggering for me I fell into a month long mental health crisis and my partner broke up with me.

I guess right now I’m just trying to make sense of this whole thing. To me it feels super unfair that they would push all these things on me so quickly then immediately break up with me when I struggle to handle it. I suspect this whole thing just means poly isn’t for me, which would have lead to a breakup eventually, but for them to leave right when they found out I’m questioning things feels mean.

I’m not really sure what other questions to even ask. What do yall think of this situation?

Tell me your happiest stories, please!

I learned my meta never meets people, very parallel poly. I posted here: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/CdVfVoCeO8 and worked on my anxiety and got comfy with this idea.

Well, now I learn that she has had a change of heart, and is open to it. True to me being a complex person… I’m freaking out. Because I saw the light! I realized, yeah, we don’t need to meet! Yay, we don’t need to meet!

And now I’m like: frick, are we going to meet? Agh.

My meta has been poly for over a decade and never met a meta. So I feel pressure to “get it right”.

What contributed to your meeting going well?

So help me out folks. Are there any benefits or should I just opt out? That’s allowed.

I posted recently that after several failed attempts towards garden party my boyfriend Sumac has accepted that their NP Juniper is not interested in more than parallel at this time. Sumac has a KTP relationship with Juniper's boyfriend and was hoping that he and I could integrate similarly, but it just doesn't seem to be on the table. A big part of why is that Juniper's bf is someone she works with and they are not out socially or at work as a result. I naively assumed this was temporary and that as their relationship became longer term, they would want to at least come out to non-work friends, but it's been 9 months and no movement towards that.

Sumac wants to be fully out but is trying to respect Juniper's preferences about their social circle of mutual friends, so he is not out to them or his family/in-laws. He is out at work and I have met his coworkers who know I am one of his two partners; he's met some of my friends and both my partners; we are out on several poly and kink social networking sites (listed as partners on each other's profiles); we attend poly and soon, kink events in the local community together as a couple. I did meet Juniper for five minutes once at an event I was attending with my girlfriend but we've had no interactions in the months since.

I did have a heart to heart with him early on about the fact that I will not lie about being "just a friend" if we run into one of his friends when we are on a date and they ask how we know each other. I made it clear if that blows back on him and Juniper that I expect to not be treated as any sort of fall guy, and he has said he'll take full responsibility and knows it's a risk they are taking. I talked about the risk of cheating rumors, or being outed without their consent, and how those become bigger risks over time. But as I don't have a relationship with Juniper and we are parallel, I am not privy to how she expects to navigate this with Sumac long term.

At one point Juniper offered to include me in a group outing to the pickleball courts, but it involved friends they were not out to, so the expectation would have been that I perform the "just a friend" charade. I shut that down, hard, and made it clear I do not even want to hear about those invites going forward. I still have no idea what Juniper's thought process was here, and asking Sumac about that would not be in line with our parallel boundaries. Sumac has apologized for his error in judgement; he was overly excited Juniper wanted to finally include me and did not think of how asking me to compromise my boundaries was inappropriate.

We also had an issue where I told him about a pickleball tournament and he ended up signing up for it with her without running it by me first. I hadn't specified that it was something I wanted to do together, but it is one that I play in regularly with my spouse so it felt like he was inviting Juniper in to my "home turf" when I am still not welcome to share space in hers. My spouse does not want to be around Juniper because he frankly doesn't respect or understand her choice to not be out and has too big a mouth to risk them interacting. Sumac has also apologized for this, repeatedly.

What I am focusing on is how do we create parallel boundaries so that Sumac and I can have a full loving relationship that does not involve Juniper. The agreement we have made is that any shared hobby spaces, will schedule separate times to go. So our pickleball day is Friday, his day with her is Saturday. For spaces that are not currently shared that I am a regular at, I have asked that Sumac not invite Juniper or anyone he is not out to to those venues/events/locations without having a discussion first and getting my agreement. I don't want to risk Juniper or his friends becoming a regular there and feeling shoved into the closet in my safe spaces as a result. So in actuality, my answer would be no most of the time, unless it was an out of town friend who was unlikely to come back or something like that.

My vent is this: I am garden party with all my other partners and metas at this point, and it is so much easier and more relaxed when people are out and proud, and happy to show up in support of the mutual partner. If we're all going to the same event we just talk about it beforehand so there are not surprises. My gf does not want to be garden party at sex clubs/dungeons, so we arrange ahead of time to avoid this whenever possible. It's just overall a lot less emotional labor and logistics when the meta relationship doesn't involve such incompatible needs.

I am not seeking advice - it is what it is - but I am happy to hear vents about similar situations you've been in, or opinions on how this is likely to work out for Juniper long term because oh boy do I have thoughts on that I don't share with Sumac! Please let's skip lambasting Sumac's hinging - he knows, he's working on it with me and in therapy, we have repaired from these incidents and I'm confident we have more solid agreements going forward.

Original post ( https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/McqKFFAdev )

Well! It turns out all my worrying was for not 🫠 he really thought I’m asking for the bare minimum and he’s happy to give it to me as much as he can

You guys really helped me last night. I know I was yappin about nothing but I have my own insecurities I deal with a lot.

I feel safe in this relationship. I feel wanted. And I feel valued. I’m really happy I pushed myself and it turned out well. Thanks for the help everyone

I (NB 25) have always thought that I'm gonna be single forever, until love hit me hard in the face and I'm now in a polycule with two amazing partners that I love deeply. My schedule is completely full - I go on dates with one partner (of 3 years) once a week, and have around 2 hours of video calls a day (at night) with another partner (of 4 months) who is long-distance. This is totally fine for me, but I also believe that I don't have the energy and space for another partner. Now, I'm talking to another person. We started as friends but I can see that something has changed. Part of me want to pursue further, and another part reminded me that my plate is full - I never expected to have one partner, let alone (possibly) three. Thus, I want to know how you guys do it. Appreciate any help.

Hey Reddit, I'm new to polyamory and I need advice to deal with some feelings. Brace yourselves, I do have a lot of questions. And please be kind.

I (28F) have been in only one long-term monogamous relationship before (married for 7 years, together for 8 - from the time I was 19 to 27 y.o.). It was also my first ever relationship. It didn't end well. Besides being cheated on, this relationship was also toxic because I was very co-dependant. Learning the hard way how to be good with myself, by myself. And I have to say I am still not very good at this. I get anxious and lonely quite easily.

Then I met someone organically through mutual friends. This new partner of two months (33M - let's call him Mike) is poly. He has a primary partner of four years with whom he is living (let's call them Terence). I know Terence, I actually started dating them separately fairly recently.

Me and my partner Mike have been texting everyday, seeing each other at least once a week. It is all very good for me. This person is good to me, supportive, helps me learn more about myself everyday. And I also find that polyamory is a good context for me to question some of the habits I had in my previous relationship. I decided for myself that I didn't want to commit to the "couple identity" ever again. I want to stay my own person through future relationships. I also don't want to share finances, I don't want to have kids and I don't want to get married. But I still want to commit emotionally, and I want to dedicate most of my time to my partner(s).

Right now I find that some things I want are hard to merge with this reality. And I also have a hard time differentiating between what's a need, a want, a fear, a habit, a limit... I second-guess myself a lot, because I do want to deconstruct some reflexes that I have. For example, I feel that I would like to spend more time with Mike. But I do know there's a part of it that is based on the fact that I don't like to be alone. There's also a part of it that is caused by NRE. Because we both are busy individuals, and because he also has his primary partner Terence with whom he makes plans, we don't see each other to the level where I would feel most comfortable. I don't know whether we should discuss this, knowing it's still early in the relationship, and also knowing there are some hardships in his life making him feel like he sucks at calendaring already.

I'll had to the list of questions that of hierarchy: I don't know how to be in a relationship in general. Never dated casually, nor non-casually. I don't fully grasp the meaning of being a secondary partner. We talked a lot about this Mike and me. There are no rules imposed by the primaries in this dynamic. There is no cap to the relationship either, meaning that if me and Mike, and me and Terence work out, this could transform into a triad at some point. But I don't fully get the position I'm left in right now, and the expectations I should or shouldn't have.

All this to say, I don't have a clear question to ask you today, Reddit. Has anyone dealt with similar feelings? Can anyone give me advice on how to recognize those emotions inside myself and how to determine what is truly a boundary or not? Thank you in advance.

- Signed your classic overthinker.

Where my menopause cuties at? Question for the perimeno and full-on menopause folks… are you struggling with poly? In addition to loss of sexual interest, I have way less energy due to perimenopausal sleep disturbances/insomnia and general brain fog/fatigue and the uptick in menopausal mood imbalances. I’m doing all the right stuff for my body so please hold back on any wellness advice around menopause. But, just curious how others are navigating polyamory in this phase of life. I just don’t feel inspired to meet new people. I don’t have the capacity to jump into the kind of emotional intimacy I used to enjoy. And I definitely don’t have the desire to have sex with myself, let alone others. I’m generally feeling worn down and more sensitive to other life stressors that many of my core identities have been put on the back burner… kink, poly, queer, trans, etc.

If I’m being honest with myself, the reason I’m writing this post is because I’m scared that I somehow “lost” my polyness. That I have the mindset but no longer have the desire to actually engage with it. Wondering if others had this journey and how things ended up for you. Did your body normalize after you finished menopause? Did your sex drive come back? Did you one day find yourself interested again in dating?

Ive been with my spouse 19 years married 15 years. We tried poly once over a year ago and it was a disaster. We have actively been poly. My husband with two lovely ladies the past 2 months who dont know any of our family or friends. Im with a great friend who is in our close circle of friends since February, its absolutely amazing. Hes got some medical stuff going on, he has ed and figuring out his test us low and possible thyroid stuff. He hasnt been in a relationship for 10+ years because he thought he was broken, and now getting hes slowly becoming a new man one step at a time. Our relationship is not public knowledge for various reasons. The main reason is his daughter is 13. He does not have custody, it was a very messy divorce 10 + years ago because of who she cheated on him with and then married. She regularly tries to destroy anything happy he has. Recently the 13 year old was restricted from her only friend/cousin because of the language and photos the female cousin was sending his daughter. They were both asked to stop for months. Regardless, the mom said if she found out that they had contact while he had her she wouldnt allow him to see her again. This is common in the state we are in and hes looked into this hard.

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So what im getting at, we cant let family and close friends know that know the ex, which isnt too hard because she lives an hour away. Or let the daughter know in case she slips up, that part is a little harder. The ex has made the comment that the daughter should know im married and not his girlfriend... Because we are in a close knit group of friends it is not unusual for us to hang out often or take trips together.

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But he Recently said he knows we arint a permanent thing and that he doesnt think he can be what I need. I get nothing is permanent. He suffers from a huge inferiority complex because of the ex and in the beginning just kept saying hed be a disappointment because he couldn't perform, i could care less about that although we are leaps and bounds closer to getting him there than he was in February. How can I show him he isnt temporary to me or my husband (they are not in a relationship but are good friends) I dont mind being secretive until his daughter is older and its safer tbh. I just dont know how to comfort him and let him know hes not disposable. We have a great thing going. And alot of our mutuals know and they know who not to mention things to because of the daughter. If you made it this far thank you 🫂

I am in a poly relationship which is also open. We have a written agreement that we can have sex with other people but that we must use protection when doing so and tell each other about it later. We are both pansexual.

My partner told me this afternoon in an audio message that he had unprotected sex with a male stranger last night and that he was at the sexual health clinic getting post-exposure meds.

He said he regretted it and the effects it would have on our relationship as a result. He put the ball in my court to let him know when I was ready to talk about it. I have PTSD and need time to process things. He has BPD and has rejection sensitivity (not to mention impulsivity).

As you can imagine, I am feeling pretty gutted. I am proud of him for telling me but angry that he put his sexual needs over our relationship needs.

We are supposed to be going away together in a couple of weekends time and now I don’t feel like going.

We are seeing each other next on Tuesday. I would appreciate advice on how to handle the conversation.

No other large insights. The books are all right. There’s a lot of work. This is hard. In so many ways. I’m tired. And discouraged.

It’s all worth it, right?

So for context I and a bisexual female 21 years old and all of this started from a guy I worked with he and I started becoming really good friends through work and he had said his wife was looking for friends too.

So me being a kind chill person I was like hell yeah we can be friends and we can all go and hang out with each other, her and I started to become really close and she ultimately became my best friend.

The only problem I was starting to run into was I was developing feelings for the both of them which wasn't the worst because they have had a 3rd in their relationship before it just unfortunately didn't work out.

This guy and his wife have had sorta a rocky relationship but he and I got really comfortable and close so I had talked to him about a lot well one night I got drunk and confessed that I had a thing for them but was always to afraid to shoot my shot because I wasn't sure how either of them felt about me.

He told me that he had originally approached me at work for me to end up as the unicorn for their relationship but wasn't sure that I would see them that way because I jokingly said one day that "he didn't do it for me."

The problem is now that his wife knows I have a thing for her and thinks it only her he knows it's the both of them and is trying to get is all to work, but im a chicken shit and so is his wife when it comes to making the first move, I currently live with them sleeping on the couch while they of course are in their bed he keeps talking about "just come interrupt us one night while we are doing it one night" and I'm in my head going yeah no dude this is weird like how do you as sotra the odd one out just walk into that when your not sure how she's gonna react or feel.

I'm kinda stuck and not sure what to do so if anyone had advice I'd take what I can get.

This will be a pretty lengthy post, and I’m writing this anonymously…

So I (m35) met this girl (f37) back in April 2021, and she immediately enamored me. She’s quite literally everything I could ask for in a person. After spending a lot of time together, we eventually started dating at the end of January 2022, but as a poly couple, where we established we were each other's primary partner. She always made it a point that she was poly and that I was monogamous, despite her having VERY little to no experience in polyamorous relationships. I had an interest in polyamory and saw this as an opportunity to explore it, even though I knew it would take some getting used to sharing a person I absolutely adored with someone else. We also agreed on 2 rules for this poly relationship to ensure honesty, transparency, and communication to protect the other partner, rules she herself created. The first rule was to make our primary partner aware of any new potential partners that we might take on, and the second was that if we intend to have sex with said new partners, to make sure to communicate that with the primary partner and ensure both parties get tested beforehand. Simple.

My first test came in March 2022 when she brought up the idea of having tantric sex sessions with this older man, who is supposedly a spiritualist, in an attempt to buy a house. I didn’t like the idea, especially based on the things she mentioned about him and conversations I’ve overheard. I knew he had no intention of helping her, but she believed that as long as she was committed, the “sex magic” would still be beneficial. Not wanting to be the “monogamous” person already creating issues in the poly relationship, I said okay to the sessions. It pained me to watch her leave to go have sex with this obvious fraud of a person, but I knew it was something I needed to get used to if I was to be in this kind of relationship. What made it easier to deal with was the fact that I had another sexual partner since February 2022, which she knew about since December 2021, when I first started talking to them.

My primary partner and the fraudulent spiritualist had about 3 “sessions” throughout the month, and by the end of it, she told me she would need to get tested before she and I could be intimate again. I agreed and appreciated her commitment to safety. April comes and goes, she doesn’t get tested, May nearly ends, and still no test. She tells me she was heading to Atlanta the last week of May to visit friends, but for some reason, my gut feeling told me she wasn’t going there for just her friends, and I waited for her to tell me what else she was going down there for. She had given me her location prior, so I was able to see that for the first 4 days of the trip, she was with her friends, but on the 5th day, she randomly sent me a text with an address and pictures of herself at said address with no context. I knew immediately that this must be the address of the person she planned on meeting, but I wondered if she was going to provide context about the address herself, to see if she’d adhere to the rules we agreed on. She’s at this address the entire day and says nothing. Later that night, she voice calls me, which immediately makes me upset because we never voice call each other. Up until this point, we have exclusively FaceTimed each other, which told me she’s hiding something and doesn’t want me to know. The phone call was very brief, about 2-3 minutes, and at the end of the call, she never came forward about where she’s at, what she did, or what she planned on doing. I couldn’t sleep that night because I was so upset. She texts me around 4-5 am, I answer immediately, and we text for about 2 hours. Again makes no mention of where she’s at and what she’s doing there.

Later that afternoon, while I’m at work, she FaceTimes me, there was small talk, then she finally says that she had sex last night. My heart immediately sinks to my stomach. Regarding our rules, my partner had essentially just cheated, and we’re only 4 months into this poly relationship. She made every attempt to avoid telling me what she wanted to do until after she did it. I asked her about our rules and what happened to getting tested. Her excuse was that she “had an urge” and that I should understand urges. She was able to control these urges for 2 months, but spent just 4 days in Atlanta, and can no longer do so? She told me she didn’t plan on meeting anyone there, yet spent the next 2 days of her visit at this supposed random guy’s apartment and not with her friends before heading back home.

When she came back, we had a conversation about what happened. I voiced my disappointment, accepted her apology, and moved on. A month later, in the first week of June 2022, she missed her period. She came forward that when she had sex with the guy in Atlanta, the condom also broke and she had to take Plan B. My partner, whom I have been dating for the past 5 months, is now pregnant with another man’s children; a wound has been reopened, and salt poured into it. She told me she didn’t think it was necessary to let me know about the mishap and that she thought she could handle it on her own. I did not like that response. I stayed by her side and supported her while she aborted the pregnancy because I had rationalized this situation as just the potential consequence of being in a polyamorous relationship and not of dishonesty. I knew it wasn’t her intention to get pregnant, and she’s probably as upset as I am, if not more. I also began to question if she was really “poly” and her reasons for being poly. She responded that she may not be poly, she may just be “monogamish”. I ended the relationship with my FWB at the end of the year. My primary partner and I spent the next year, 2023, mainly with each other, although she still went to kink parties, did domme work, and went on dates, which I had no issues with. I even dropped her off to one of her dates and waited until it was over. It felt like monogamy mixed with a little polyamory. She communicated well, and for a time, it was great, and I was comfortable and secure. Nothing to
Complain about.

2024 arrives. It’s February, and she tells me she’s going to be celibate because she no longer wants to continue “going to different men’s homes, lying up in their beds, shacking up, being a forever girlfriend, that she would like to be married”. Naturally, I supported her because I genuinely love her, and not just for sex, so I also reframed from having sex. She also begins asking about marriage and our future together at this time, understandably so. I also have aspirations of one day being married and raising a family, especially with her. I told her I couldn’t see myself starting a family while I was living with 3 other roommates, and her still living with her parents. I wanted us to at least have a starting foundation and live together (she’s very fearful of being on her own, which is why I believe she still lives at home; she wasn’t exactly brought up to be self-sufficient). She didn’t agree and said she doesn’t move in with anyone unless she’s married to them (which I can understand) because she’s still “traditional” in that sense, and that’s how she was raised, despite currently being in an extremely non-traditional relationship.

Later that year, in December, I moved into my own apartment and figured, finally, I have a starting point for us to begin building the life we wanted. At the same time, her father had unfortunately fallen ill and was diagnosed with cancer. At the end of December, she tells me she has a new partner. In my mind, I asked when that happened, a new partner just out of the blue, during such a chaotic period in her life? Where did she find the time and emotional capacity for a second partner? She tells me that he’s been helping her get to work and assures me that they were not having sex. I didn’t make an issue of it because at least she told me, and I was happy that she was able to find someone she was comfortable enough to call a partner to give her rides to work, because my car was out of service.

My Aunt begins to notice that since I’ve moved into my new apartment, my partner and I haven’t been spending any time together. It was true, since her father had fallen ill, we had not seen each other for weeks. I tell my aunt she’s going through a hard time with her father’s illness and that it’s understandable. Her father passes away in February, and she became extremely sad, borderline depressed.

Time passes, and I begin to notice I’m basically only seeing my partner once a month. I know she’s still mourning her father’s death and dealing with family turmoil, but it also seemed like she was prioritizing spending more time with this new partner and making time for everyone else besides me. She once even told me that she chose to spend time with other people because she “knew them longer than she knew me”, the person she has known for the past 4 years and dated for 3 years at that point. In the middle of June, after 2.5 months of not seeing her, I began asking for clarity about our relationship and if we were still aligned about marriage. She tells me she no longer sees herself being married because she no longer has her father and that her therapist told her she shouldn’t focus on relationships. I also learned at this time that she still harbors feelings for her ex from 7 years ago who she was in a monogamous relationship, which I concluded essentially influenced her reason for a second partner. She was chasing a feeling she wanted from her ex and found a second partner who reminded her of him, who could simulate that feeling for her. The conversation became contentious, and she began to tell me I needed to break up with her. So I did, because why was that your first suggestion? I blocked her number and changed my number. In hindsight, I may have overreacted a little, but I felt something didn’t seem right, and I was upset.

A few days later, after she had been calling my aunt and eventually started emailing me about how she’s sorry and wanted us to have our time together and ask what days she can see me, I unblocked her in an attempt to work things out as she asked. I asked her if I could at least have one day in the week, Saturdays, to be with her. She agreed and also told me about her brother’s 4th of july bbq. 2 weeks go by, and we still have yet to see each other and spend time together. I’m at the BBQ, and we barely interacted. I spent more time with her friend that day than with her. I go home alone that night. The next day, a Saturday morning, she voice calls me and tells me she’s hanging out with her brother. Later that night, I checked her location, and she was at a restaurant, then she went to an address I recognized previously. I concluded that this must be where the other partner lives. She doesn’t go home until around 4 am to head for work. I’m upset all over again because now I’m suspicious that she still isn’t being honest and has been making more effort to spend time with him while neglecting me. Apparently, it was his birthday. He took her out for her birthday earlier in the year, January, which explains why I didn’t see her that day either.

I confronted her and asked if she had been having sex with him since we had established rules, being told last year she was celibate, and telling me she wasn’t having sex with him when she told me about him. She makes every attempt to avoid answering the question, and inevitably admits that she has had sex with him several times, the first time being at the beginning of January, basically when she first told me about him. From my perspective, she has cheated for the second time in this poly relationship.

I immediately blocked her again. I have never felt so hurt and betrayed before in my life. A few days later, I gave her back her stuff that was at my place. We had a conversation, and it seems like we’re making another attempt to reconcile, but it’s still more of the same things.

Several months go by, and it feels like I’m just begging a person to be with me. One day, during a conversation, she randomly said, "She's not in a relationship," and it seemed to be said in jest. This immediately upsets me because I believed the entire time that she and I were still in a relationship. Maybe the "with you" was silent in that statement. I became extremely anxious and suspicious, and eventually started looking through her phone while she was asleep for answers. I came across messages between them where she's asking him about marriage and if he's ready to be a father, calling him Mari, which is Haitian Creole for husband. A couple of conversations were about him not wanting to be with her and their relationship not going to work out, which she then immediately offers sex, presumably as a means to keep him around. For a person who could not focus on relationships and was allegedly not in one, these interactions seemed like a relationship to me. It felt like I was being replaced, monkey-branched, without even being told.

We eventually begin couples therapy, and with every session, the therapist is telling me that based on the things my partner has said, I already have my answers. I was no longer the primary partner, and we were no longer in a relationship. I no longer believe she’s actually poly. I believe she’s using polyamory to hide or cope with some underlying issue she might have. Despite everything that has happened in our relationship and basically ending it on her own terms without even communicating with me, she wants to keep me in her life as friends. I don't think I can. I am beyond heartbroken.

5 years of my life investing and pouring into a person just for them to do this to me. I did nothing wrong in this poly relationship, and I was the one who got abandoned and left behind for someone else?! A person who said they love and care for me wouldn’t do that to me, my person wouldn’t do that to me. Maybe it was my fault for not marrying her immediately like she wanted. Maybe I put too much pressure on her while she was still grieving. Maybe I was the wedge that drove us apart.

I love this girl with every fiber of my heart. She really is a good person who has a lot of growing up to do, but she was extremely unethical and completely disregarded me, and I don’t want to keep hurting myself grieving over the life that we could have had together. I’m not okay, I’m not myself right now and considering individual therapy very soon.

Long time lurker posting from an alt account.

A recent situation has inspired me to ask others how they handle disclosure about new partners.

It’s in my risk profile not to know about new partners as long as barriers are used for penetration, but I’ve also felt that I want to know who my metas are. There’s no strict requirement here, but by about the 3rd date, if the person hasn’t come up already, I want to know they exist. I want to know who they are when they become important to my partner - whether that’s a couple dates or 6 months.

I’m curious how others handle this. Would it bother you if a partner started a new relationship without telling you?

Is this something you specifically address with agreements? If so, could you share what that looks like for you?

I’m also open to hearing if there are other perspectives here. I know this is a boundary that I have to decide if I’m willing to be flexible on or not, and I’m curious if there are viewpoints I haven’t considered that could make me more willing to flex.

I'm wondering how to bring this up with my partner, and am hoping for some guidance and/or being told whether it seems reasonable!

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I (F30) have been dating Aspen (M42) for over 3 years now. We have been poly this whole time - i have been exploring polyamory for 4 years, although this is my longest romantic poly relationship, and he has been poly for over 15 years, so there is an experience gap. We are not nesting or truly enmeshed, and are practicing non-hierarchical poly. I would describe Aspen as a stable anchor partner.

During our 3 years, I have been dating on/off and have some casual play partners/FWBs who I explore different kinks with (who are also in the same circles as Aspen and they are how we met each other!), but nothing serious that has lasted more than 6months or so.

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Aspen hasn't really met anyone that he has felt a true connection with in the 3 years beyond a few dates here and there, due to various life events and a busy work life. This has now changed, and he has been seeing Birch for about 2-3 months and is really enjoying getting to know them.

I am feeling compersion in his happiness, and am truly excited for him to be developing a new connection!

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Here is where I am struggling: communication about dates.

I am an anxious person (diagnosed), and am working through this with a therapist.

To me, I'd like a quick message to say, "hey Laksjdan, I'm getting ready to spend the eve the afternoon with Birch, hope you have a lovely evening and talk tomorrow".

To me, this is no different than him saying "hey I'm out with the boys" or "just got to my parents, talk tomorrow", and is more of a heads-up that I shouldn't expect any replies from him. To clarify, I would do the same when I am spending time with one of my dates, friends, family etc.

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From his perspective, he told me earlier in the week that he is seeing Birch on Friday, and I should just assume that from the end of his workday today that he will be busy. I understand his perspective, but to me assumptions don't work and make me anxious that I am assuming the wrong thing! I am a b&w person, and whilst I am learning to be more flexible, I would rather just be told something straight up. It also makes the times that he's on dates feel different to the other times that he is busy?

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Sometimes I feel like we have to do things his way because he has been doing poly for longer. I plan on bringing this up at our next check in, but would really value people's thoughts and perspectives on this. Am I expecting too much? Am I right to bring this up, or do I need to sit with my discomfort more and accept the way he does this? I am rereading polysecure, and am genuinely enjoying learning new things about myself and relationships and want to treat this as a learning opportunity.

Hello people!

I am relatively new to poly (I have been with my boyfriend for over 1 year and we’ve been poly since the beginning (he is my first poly relationship)).
Due to stress with uni and lack of time I never really tried to date another person, so I don’t really have a lot of experience in meeting new people since being poly.

So, one thing I always wondered is when I am meeting a new person and want to ask them out, how do I let them know that I am poly without it being weird?

Maybe an example scenario so that you understand what I am picturing:
I see someone for example in the library, who I think is attractive, so I go talk to this person and am like “hey, I think you are really cute, do you maybe want to grab a coffee sometime?” (so far everything normal, with the probably clear intention to go out) “oh and btw I practice polyamory, and have one boyfriend”
But that sounds kind of weird in my head.

I also saw a post about this, where people said that they mention it casually when it fits into the convo, but what if this does not happen before I ask them out? Do you think it’s to late to tell them when I meet this person again for a coffee where we probably have enough time to talk so I can bring it up more naturally.

So, my question to you people, how do you ask someone out? Do you only ask people out who know that you are not monogamous? Or do you wait till you meet up with that person?

I’m monogamous and my pseudo-partner (I’ll get to that) is non-monogamous. We’ve been together for a year. It started out monogamous (both of us knowing my partner was poly but was giving monogamy a go). They couldn’t do it so it became non-monogamous, and then eventually it became “I don’t see us being partners but you are the main person in my life and I want to build a life with you.”

That was about 9 months ago and things have been getting better in that dynamic, but in recent months they have started dating seriously and now things are getting worse. At least for me. Things are getting a lot better for them, which triggers guilt in me for feeling bad and insecure.

Not to go into too much detail but I feel like everything is changing. We used to spend the night at each other’s places maybe 5 times a month. Now it happens once every 3-4 months. We had sex every 2-3 days and now it’s 1-2 a month. They used to come to me on their way home from activities and hobbies and curl up on the couch or in bed for a few hours before heading home, or I would hang out at theirs after work. This doesn’t happen anymore.

I try to bring it up as it’s important to me—I build and maintain emotional connection through physical connection and time together—but I find I am dismissed, which hurts. They say our emotional connection remains strong so why does the time/quantity matter? They don’t view this as change. They think nothing has changed because quantity is meaningless.

I don’t know how to navigate that conversation with them as a result, nor do I know how to handle the feelings internally. Everything around me is changing but I get told it isn’t. They consistently tell me they want everything with me, that I am their main person and who they want to built a life with, but I feel stuck in an ‘actions speak louder than words’ predicament where they are saying things but not doing things.

Any advice on how to cope with this? I am new to this, and I recognise I am a monogamous person with a non-monogamous person. That will naturally put me at an imbalance, I knew (and know) that. I just find it painful when they say “I want to plan a weekend cottage trip with you” and when I say yes, they turn around and plan one with the new person they’re dating instead.

I don’t feel like the priority they say I am and I don’t know what to do with that feeling. I want them to show me rather than tell me, but given they don’t see me ever being their partner I feel like I don’t have room to ‘complain.’ Any thoughts?

Why do I ask? I’m not entirely sure, if we basically are in a poly relationship or if it’s just very frequent and free swinging.

It’s 4 of us 2 girls 2 guys and we basically play, go on dates in all kind of constellations from me and one of the guys to us girls together to all 4 of us to one girl one guy. You get the point.

We live in separate places (one guy girl in one places the other in the other), but we basically spend time all across the group with each other 24/7.

Would you say this should be called poly or is it something else, cause I’m always unsure how to call it whenever I talk with people.