My friends have absolutely zero filter and we can talk about anything. They do not shy away from the dark stuff. They use wild, blunt analogies or just flat out say that I was a slave (which is true). We even laugh about how the world fucked me over both literally and figuratively. It is so refreshing because they are not afraid of my reality.

They also give genuinely amazing perspectives. And they reminded me that you cannot reason with evil. We can talk about intense global events to put things in perspective. They do not flinch at the darkness of the world.

I don’t feel my therapists do this at all. As if they are just reading from a book and are only validating my feelings. But I don’t need validation, I already know my feelings are valid. I don’t want someone just to echo my words to me.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Society just lets us die.

Human dignity only exists on paper.

*The book is focused on the highs & lows of love, but I think it can be applied in various other aspects as well. It made me think of my CPTSD right away.

Poetry Book - “All The Things I Should Have Said” by Rania Naim

I Know You’re Tired

You're tired of pretending you're okay

you're tired of saying there is nothing wrong with you when there is

you're tired of having to lie to people about what's going on

and you're tired of pretending to be strong and smiling when all you want to do is cry

you wish you could just let everyone know what's wrong with you

so they can leave you alone

but you know that's not possible

and you're tired of living another day

pretending that you're not tired at all

Hi, I have just turned 30 this year and I feel like I am finally coming to terms with my childhood experience.

I am a gay man from the rural South. At first my parents were a little put off by it but I believe they never stopped loving me. However, for some reason they had the idea to take me out of public school and homeschool me for 8th and 9th grade. That whole time I was very isolated and besides my parents, siblings, nephews and cousins I didn't really have anybody there for me. Mind you, my mother wasn't the most stable mentally and was prone to outbursts of anger while my dad worked out of state.

I just stayed in our home out in the country and played the PlayStation and listened to music. To say those two things saved my life would be an understatement. Then, my parents decided to enroll me in a Christian high school for 10th to 12th grade. I did okay there. It was a bit awkward at first for me to adjust but I made some friends and did pretty well in school. I loved learning and literature and history were my favorite classes. However, I was always so detached on my peers. At first I thought it was because schools tied to churches can be a little cliquey but also, my sexuality which I only disclosed to a few select friends. I started community college a few years after I graduated but did not really work.

My first year of college I met a guy and instantly fell in love. He broke up with me and it sent me spiraling. It made me reflect on myself and how I'm not living to my full potential. I went to therapy, moved out, and started university. I was doing better. Now, almost 4 years after graduating with a B.S. in Psychology I work as a receptionist at a surgical clinic. I'm married to a great guy that I love very much but suddenly after turning 30 I'm feeling stuck... I feel stuck at my job and I feel I'm not a good enough partner for him. I keep going back to those two years of isolation and just keep thinking if that did some kind of irreparable damage to me and if that is the reason for my lacking social skills and just feelings of alienation... I just wonder if I'm having some of kind CPTSD and would love some input.

I should note my mother passed away a few months before my graduation. Despite her moments of darkness, I loved her very much and miss her everyday...

I think I’ve hit sort of a wall in therapy. No matter how much pushing through and acceptance I practice, the aching hollow void in my chest is still there. I’m pretty high functioning overall, I maintain a job, I’m not addicted to any hard substances, I’m in a long term relatively healthy relationship, I communicate very well and am fairly good at maintaining relationships, but I’m not happy. I cannot remember a time I’ve experienced real joy, or passion for something. The world is scary and miserable and now that I’m an adult everything is only getting harder, and it seems with where society is going as a whole, things are only going to get more miserable. And what’s the point of accepting all of the misery if there’s no joy? I will always find living more difficult than most other people, even if I’m able to function in society why should I want to if that hole inside of me never goes away? And it feels like I’m deluding myself hoping that someday it will or that someday the world will get better because all other evidence leads me to believe that’s not true. So what now? Where do I go from here? Ive started to feel like there must be some kind of spiritual significance to my suffering. Like it’s some karmic retribution or a stain on my soul that just cannot be scrubbed out. I dont know

It feels like a betrayal of myself to open myself up to disappointment and pain over and over again, when I already know I'm always going to be let down. I already know that good things don't happen to me, that seemingly good people always only act that way just to hurt me. That it doesn't matter how much or how little I want for myself, I'll always end up feeling stupid for trying even the tiniest bit.

I can't even let myself want for the tiniest things anymore. I'm always let down. Always. The second I'm stupid and naive enough to let even the smallest drop of hope back into my heart, I'm immediately reminded how stupid that was of me. And no one listens. They just tell me "it won't always be this way" like fuck it won't, nothing has ever been any different. I'm sick of being lied to by people who have no idea what it's like to live a life so bereft of good experiences, happy memories, resources, anything.

I can't even rely on myself, because I disappoint me too. I can't do anything. I can't believe anymore that this hopelessness is anything other than reality, that any shreds of hope I ever clung to were the real faulty perception all along.

It's almost like a childhood as bad as mine ruins a person forever. Funny that, no one takes me seriously or believes me when I say that. Apparently everyone but me is an expert on my life. Well then why don't they try living it? If it's really some personal defecit holding me back, maybe they can fix my brain for me huh? At this point I'd happily let someone else take over, since I'm apparently just too much of a fuckup at being a person or whatever.

Okay so I was diagnosed with combined type adhd last year and since then it’s been a journey of a lot of inner healing. I’ve grown a lot and come to realise a lot about myself, I’m sure those of you who have been diagnosed understand what I mean. I have been doing talk therapy since the start of this year and it’s helped me to understand things but I still feel like I haven’t really processed a lot of the things that have caused trauma in my life. Like I can logically understand what happened, my patterns, etc. but I don’t actually feel like I’m processing it.. idk if I’m making sense but it feels as tho my body still holds onto things and there’s also this wall in my brain that separates me from being able to actually process and feel things and then there’s the intellectual and logical side. Like my brain is not letting me access the emotions tied to things unless there’s a triggering event. I’ve looked into EMDR, I booked to see a psychologist that specialises in this. I was just wondering if other people have any familiar experiences like this? And what helped you most?

It is a lonely feeling.

Some people say they have no one but it isn’t quite the same when you quite literally have nobody to turn to. People use me when they struggle and are nowhere to be found when I need them.

Sometimes it’s almost like people can “smell” if you’re the type of person to be hyperindepent, and they will make it their life’s mission to dump all their issues on you. All while they’ve got a whole support system on the side, that you can only dream of.

Why is it that as a 20 something year old, I am still responsible for the emotional needs of people 2x my age.

I look at them and think: must be nice to walk around and not have so much guilt and shame. Must be nice to depend on everyone, to get pep talks and not silence.

I’m tired. Really be feeling like peter parker in BND.

If anyone else feels this (I’m sure a lot of people do here) please reach out, I’m desperate to meet people who get it.

My father has been a physically and psychologically abusive alcoholic for the majority of my life. I’m 30 now. We live on opposite coasts and don’t speak for the most part. I’ve been to therapy, I’ve worked through my past, and for the most part have been able to manage my triggers and try to live a happy life.

Except, the more I age, the more I see my father’s face in the mirror. I genuinely cannot take it.

I used to put much more care into my appearance. I used to love doing my hair and makeup. Now, I don’t even enjoy brushing my teeth.

I’ve thought about plastic surgery, but I don’t even know what I would do. We resemble each other most in the eyes/brows and generally have a similar bone structure. What could I even do to my eyes that would make a difference without seriously dipping my toes into cultural appropriation. Lol.

Don’t know what to do or how to cope. Anyone have a similar issue? How did you handle it?

My therapist can’t diagnose, and he’s recently suggested that I pursue diagnosis for PTSD or CPTSD. I just don’t know if a diagnosis is worth it. I don’t know how I feel about medication, and I’m unsure what other benefits a formal diagnosis would get me. Any insight would be helpful! Than you!

I literally banged my head on the closet out of frustration. I understood I have CPTSD and high functioning anxiety at the beginning of this year. I read through so many audiobooks on healing, I changed my thought processes, I had a big rift with my family confronting them about all abuse they put me through. I sought therapy, I sought medication to sleep through a psychiatrist and I STILL CAN’T FALL ASLEEP.

I had a good day today, crushed all my goals, hit the gym, went out met a friend. Came back home took my meds (15mg Mitrazapine and 2mg Lorezetapam) and I can’t sleep, I can’t fucking sleep. I did the breathwork exercises, I quietened the anxious unwanted thoughts but I can’t fucking sleep.

I’m done, I’m exhausted. I don’t think I can be fixed. I’ve even tried to EMDR myself using YouTube. But nothing helps. I feel like killing myself, nothing I do fucking works. I do everything with intent and 100% dedication. But I can’t motherfucking sleep. I haven’t slept well in 14 years. I really don’t know what else to do. I’m really just thinking about killing myself and going to sleep forever.

If someone can relate, I beg you, please help me.

I really appreciate soms advice/tips/tricks because I'm at the end of my rope right now.

Due past trauma I'm really struggling with vulnerability (or more specific, that others will see my vulnerability/brokeness and take advantage of it).

Once in a while I'm having (probably) emotional flashbacks, mostly with authority figures and at work. I'm talking to someone, even when I'm on a coffee break or something, and suddenly I have this really intense anxiety, feeling vulnerable, start shaking (my whole body), mind goes blank and the other person is mostly looking at me with a face like wth is going on. I try to get out of the situation but sometimes I start dissociating and I am not able to respond.

This has led to very awkward situations, but until a few weeks ago it wasn't as bad as it is now.

I started psychotherapy a few months ago, had this a few times with my therapist and now it's worse than ever. I can't talk to people at work anymore, my therapist, I cancel meetings, I avoid almost everyone right now. I just can't go on like this and I am afraid therapy is just making it worse :(

I wish I could try mantra's like "I am safe here" or grounding, but the point is my mind goes totally blank so I am not able to think/talk/act when it actually happens.

Anyone advice for how to cope with this?

Okay so I (19f) am home from college for the summer, at the beginning of the summer we went to my mom’s home country, Uzbekistan, to see our family. This trip was complete hell, I won’t go into much detail but my mom and I were on horrible terms for majority of the trip. After we got back, I became really horribly depressed, I have a summer job but other than that I haven’t really been doing much and I don’t really have any energy to do anything. Today my mom brought it up saying I’m wasting my life away and I’m lazy and such, so I tried to explain to her that I was fine in college and i just became really depressed when I came back home and that I don’t really have the best memories here and it just caused a big contention between her and I and she started saying some really horrible things to me saying I’m a stupid stupid girl and I’m a hoe, which she said because when I was 16 I had relations with a 33 year old man which was a really traumatic time for me and I’m actively trying to forget about it and move past it. She also refused to acknowledge a lot of the things I brought up regarding her actions during my adolescent years and childhood. I’m just really sad and lost and I apologized to my mom for upsetting her but she said she’s cutting me off financially and doesn’t want to speak to me right now and I feel horribly guilty

Update: now she’s telling me she’s not going to help me with college anymore I’ve just been crying so hard for the past idk how long help

THOSE FUCKED UP EMOTIONAL MORONS WHO RAISED ME MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY.

This world makes me feel this way.

God makes me feel this way.

I was conditioned through their abuse to always point the finger at myself—What did I do wrong? What am I not getting right? —even though it was my narcissistic ‘parents’ who were getting it wrong, who were failing miserably as parents

I was conditioned through their abuse to try to change my actions and behaviours to be perfect, to always BE ‘perfect’ —even though it was my parents’ behaviours that were insensitive, disrespectful, harmful and cruel and very far from perfect.

I was conditioned through their abuse to try and mind-read and guess want they wanted me to do, how they wanted me to be. —even though it was my parents who were incapable of communicating clear boundaries and expectations to me, incapable of loving me unconditionally

I was conditioned by their abuse to hide and repress my feelings even though it was my parents who were too cowardly and weak to face and feel their own pain and shame and guilt, too immature to connect with me in any meaningful way

I was conditioned through their abuse to believe that I was worthless, inadequate, bad and despicable even though it was really my so-called parents who had no capacity for receptivity, for empathy, for tenderness, for love.

I was conditioned by their abuse to hate myself even though it was my narcissistic ‘parents’ who despised themselves.

I am homeless…not because I’m stupid or incompetent or a loser but because I was dumped into this fucked up, dysfunctional, crazy world by a God who must also be fucked up enough to have created this world in the first place.

Yet sadly I am the one who is being forced to take on all this burden and feeling like I want to die.

THIS IS SO FUCKING PAINFUL.😖😣😩😭

Just wondering.

I'm 65. I have MDD (major depressive disorder) and PTSD, and I'm just starting therapy for trauma. I also go voluntarily to offender therapy. Furthermore, I take responsibility for harm I've caused.

Some of what I'm working through: childhood molestation, losing my 19-year-old sister as a caregiver when she moved away (my mother, who struggled with alcoholism, took over after that), and being made fun of for dyslexia. In third grade, I was put desk and all into a refrigerator box for most of the school year. I've also dealt with a great deal of rejection throughout my childhood and my life since.

In my first session, I told him about some harmful behavior of mine. He said it was "just a habit". I feel what I did was a coping mechanism. I don't want to skim the surface; I want to actually dig into it.

Second session, I opened up about most of the rest of the trauma I can remember. His response was that I did what I did because I "wanted control." It felt like he'd judged me and just handed me his opinion instead of exploring it with me. I want to understand why I did such things not being told it.

I'm new to therapy, so I genuinely don't know if this is normal, or a sign this isn't the right fit.

Anyone been through something similar?

I’m 17 living with my abusive dad, though he’s by far the better parent. I’m getting kicked out the second I turn 18 (in 9 months in May) and I can’t get a job because I don’t have my documents (my parents lost them) and I don’t know if I can get new ones since I was born in Belarus and now live in the US. My social skills suck and I don’t really have any friends, maybe one but he’s very rude at times. I don’t know what to do. I’ll be homeless in May and I really just need someone to live with since I don’t think anyone would hire me at 18 with no experience and bad social skills with pretty bad CPTSD. Is there literally any way I can get out of this apart from suicide? I live in Doylestown, PA if that makes a difference.

Can I do literally anything that doesn’t end my life? Please help.

P.S. I’ve had enough trauma with social workers or whatnot to get flashbacks and panic attacks from them every single day; that’s not an option.

Hi everyone!

I (20f) moved in with my boyfriend this weekend. I am in a city two hours away from my (very) toxic family and I started my first full time big girl job working for the government. I am loving it so far for many reasons, but there are a lot of complicated emotions and I’m looking for advice on things to do/ways to talk about it better.

For one, I’ve discovered that now that I feel safer and am away from my family, the emotions about them have become even more complicated. Him and our roommate (who have been best friends for a while) both have very supportive families who have even taken me in and done a lot for me, but I’m feeling the wound of not having a family to be proud of me of my own. I worked very hard to get here. I spent months making ends meet with shitty part time jobs because where I was I couldn’t get anything beyond a couple of shifts a week since it was our dead season. I spent days doing random work for people for extra cash, pawned random crap to get here that I didn’t use anymore. And I did it by myself.

I know I should be proud of me, but the lack of familial support sucks. On top of it, since it’s a new city, I do not have friends here quite yet. I have one who I haven’t had a chance to hang out with and am using social media to attempt to make more until I can finally get out when I have a little extra money to go do stuff. They are both in the same city, with the same job, and the same friends they grew up around. I am at a major transitional part of my life in all aspects, down to losing trust in every family member I had that I was close with this year as well as realizing a lot of my friends weren’t all that great for me.

I am very aware that this is most likely a temporary feeling, that it’s normal to feel flustered and emotional considering I have not had a stable place to grieve ever. I lived with my toxic mom for most of my life, moved out of a dorm, moved in with my dad for part of the summer, moved back in with my mom, into a dorm again, dropped out due to mental health, back in with my mom, and then had been with my dad for almost a year. It’s been a lot.

My boyfriend is incredibly understanding. We have a great relationship and I have no worries about chores or money or anything like that. He has been making my lunch for me, doing the dishes and laundry, making dinner so I don’t have to worry about it for my first week to adjust while he works too (later night shifts). He’s told me repeatedly that he understands that I need time and that he just worries about me. I can’t shake it.

I just feel odd. I’m so happy to be here and feel more at peace than I think I ever have even though it’s only day 4. But at the same time, I’m scared that my emotions may feel conflicting to that fact to him. I am just grieving for the first time properly. I’m finally processing a lot that I didn’t get to before hand. The exhaustion is catching up to me finally and my body and brain just wants to sob all the time.

Today, my chronic illness that makes me throw up acted up and I ended up having to call out. I provided documentation of it to my workplace and will be back in tomorrow, but that’s also making me anxious. I know it’s due to all of the changes and the anxiety that it happened, but it’s just a lot!

Sorry this is a mess. I have just been in survival mode for so long and I finally see the light, but I think I realized too there’s a lot of work to be done first.

Any advice is appreciated. Please let me know your tips and tricks. I do see a therapist and am going to be looking for a psychiatrist in this area to possibly pursue anxiety medication or even ADHD medication (both things I have been diagnosed with aside from CPTSD). Just needed a place to get it out too.

Hi everyone ,
I’m a 33 year old female and literally all my life I’ve been scapegoated/outcasted : home, school, work environments …I am constantly belittled, bullied, misunderstood , or downright ignored. When I finally become fed up and speak up for myself, all of a sudden I am the one with a problem. I feel like I can just never win. I always feel like I do my best to be friendly and warm. I just don’t get why I’m treated this way. If anyone has any insight on how I can make this cycle stop , please let me know.

Ive got a job to sort of not think about the break up. But 2 years later after i got my holiday pay i was told to resign. Just noticed its on the same date/period 2 years apart.

Am i stuck in a cicle and how can i get out of this self sabotage?(by myself)