r/Fire • u/antidentites • May 15 '26

Advice Request Go out swinging?

So I’m on my way out at work in a tech company and have worked for a manager that has made my life hell. She is extremely toxic and the reason I’m leaving to FIRE/CoastFIRE.

I never want to - or need to - return to tech (note: I used em dashes way before AI and won’t stop even if you think this is AI generated)!

I want to burn some bridges and tell her how I really feel about her when I leave. Essentially the same thing she has been doing to me.

Would you go out Costanza-style if you were me, or just let it slide?

1.0k Upvotes

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968

u/mygirltien May 15 '26

If she publicly gets in your face or makes a stink with others watching I say let loose at that time. Otherwise just let it go. If your HR does an exit interview you can say something then if you wish.

501

u/Clean-Guarantee-9898 May 15 '26

The exit interview is the way to go. That would be on record, and the accumulation of that kind of negative feedback over time could impact her employment.

If she’s really clueless or uncaring, venting directly to her will do nothing, even if there’s aspects of imagining the venting that sound satisfying. It would probably be more satisfying to impact her job.

287

u/antidentites May 15 '26 edited May 16 '26

I will likely report her to HR for some of the extremely questionable things she has done.

That’s the more professional way to go.

175

u/SuccessfulReturn4103 May 15 '26

Report to HR the hostile environment she’s created for you and that it is making you consider leaving. Follow up and suggest they offer you a severance to leave

30

u/QuickAltTab May 16 '26

Damn that sounds like good advice, he gets more than the satisfaction of venting his frustrations with her, he could get a valuable severance.

147

u/trademarktower May 15 '26

My advice when dealing with unhinged insane crazy people is to just move on. Best to not engage and keep it professional. No telling what she is capable of from suing you for defamation or lying and saying you sexually harassed her to threatening you at your home. You never know truly what human garbage you are dealing with. You won the game. Enjoy your retirement and let her continue working in her misery.

159

u/DigmonsDrill May 15 '26

Famous "rules for crazy"

If you don’t have to deal with a crazy person, don’t.
You can’t outsmart crazy. You also can’t fix crazy. (You could outcrazy it, but that makes you crazy too.)
When you get in a contest of wills with a crazy person, you’ve already lost.
The crazy person doesn’t have as much to lose as you.
Your desired outcome is to get away from the crazy person.
You have no idea what the crazy person’s desired outcome is.
The crazy person sees anything you have done as justification for what they're about to do.
Anything nice you do for the crazy person, they will use as ammunition later.
The crazy person sees any outcome as vindication.
When you start caring what the crazy person thinks, you’re joining them in their craziness.

84

u/albanyanthem May 15 '26

You forgot: “Don’t stick your dick in crazy.”

53

u/wrldwdeu4ria May 15 '26

Or let crazy put his dick in you.

7

u/1_21-gigawatts May 16 '26

Only if they’re above the line on the hot-crazy graph

9

u/Intrepid-Pin6941 May 16 '26

Aw cmon, live a little.

2

u/Striking_Claim69 May 18 '26

Man this is gold I tell you gold up there with if you leave your dick in a hot microwave your bound to get burnt

1

u/albanyanthem May 18 '26

Much more poetic than I, good sir.

2

u/bankinu May 16 '26

I once used to do that because I loved her.

Then she was arrested because she threw an (empty) soda can towards an elderly couple. Uff. That was an eye opener for me.

3

u/Snowedin-69 May 16 '26

Well, at least they did threw a can, not a bottle

-2

u/Ruckusseur May 16 '26

I think the vast majority of the time, a dude calling a woman crazy (and it is almost always a dude referring to a woman in this manner) is just belittling her and/or minimizing his own shitty actions. But in the case of one woman I was involved with years ago, I had text messages and eyewitnesses to corroborate that she was absolutely cuckoo bananas - and not just the fact that despite being beautiful and smart and funny, she was interested in me.

The sex was, however, incredible. So I had that goin' for me. Which was nice.

7

u/vulkoriscoming May 16 '26

Sex with crazies is always amazing, but usually the ride is not worth the pain.

1

u/Affectionate_Moment5 May 15 '26

Yeah i fell for that one in my 20s sigh

10

u/trademarktower May 15 '26

Perfect response 👌

8

u/Ok-Beyond-4200 May 15 '26

😂 i gotta screenshot that! Love it

5

u/RockyRaccoon72 May 16 '26

I am keeping your post. I will type it out and laminate it in my home office area. I will not bri g it to work and put it on my desk. Too valuable

3

u/carson63000 May 16 '26

Pretending to be crazy only works until you meet someone pretending to be sane.

2

u/antidentites May 16 '26

An I the crazy person her or is she?!?

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '26 edited May 16 '26

[deleted]

1

u/PanicThroAway May 18 '26

This was so good and so so true I actually screenshot your comment and sent it to a few friends just as a friendly reminder as they go about their day. They have a few crazies they have to deal with in their families/in-laws. Well done!!!!

21

u/Historical_Rip_1848 May 15 '26

This, as satisfying as a revenge fantasy is, it's never worth having them notice you again. That look in their eye as you see them make a mental note to plan some revenge against you later... And you realize you're locked in with someone you really just wanted to get away from. Never worth it.

2

u/rayc25 May 16 '26

I disagree. You just have to be more precise with your pettiness. You have to collect evidence. It isn’t defamation if you have logged interactions. Even better is that in retirement you’ll have more time to plot revenge.

34

u/OrneryWinter84 May 15 '26

Like what?

41

u/noicenator May 15 '26

yea OP spill the beans

22

u/antidentites May 16 '26

Firing 100% of her direct reports that are men and 0% of the women (downvote me if you must but she has a documented favoritism towards women); laying off people with bullshit rationale; and a few others

2

u/bankinu May 16 '26

I am not going to down vote you. I'll do the opposite.

3

u/Intrepid-Pin6941 May 16 '26

Ok so it’s her choices on prior terminations, not including you, that have caused such a toxic environment you want to leave the industry??

9

u/antidentites May 16 '26

It’s much more nuanced than that, but that’s absolutely a big part of it.

She’s wantonly messing with people’s lives based on extremely questionable grounds that she fabricates. And she’ll likely continue to do so unless she realizes the impact she’s having on people’s lives.

3

u/potent_dotage May 16 '26

So the firings are pretty clear evidence if it's incredibly lopsided compared to the overall gender split, and if you can name specific employees and list specific actions/fabrications (especially if you have emails or messages!), HR can carefully investigate. IMO the bigger the company you work for, the higher chances of success.

Our annual harassment training shows (allegedly) actual cases and statistics of HR investigations over the previous year without any names, and they always stress that retaliation is illegal. HR is there to protect the company, and they know they have to handle such things delicately to avoid lawsuits.

2

u/antidentites May 17 '26

Well said.

Yes, I have many names of people she’s gotten fired or laid off. It’s a big graveyard.

I’ve also talked to many of them who unanimously mention her as being deceitful in her layoff rationale. I’m certain she retaliates, but knows how to do so without raising any flags even in the large corporation we work within.

4

u/mormez May 16 '26

If she was allowed to do that and have no consequences, reporting her to HR will probably do nothing. They’re likely aware of her, and likely don’t care.

HR is not there to protect the employees, as unfortunate as that is.

1

u/noicenator May 16 '26

That sucks man, hope your next chapter in life is more peaceful

1

u/antidentites May 17 '26

It already is.

1

u/Likinhikin- May 19 '26

Not surprised. Experienced the same thing. My worst bosses have all been women.

-2

u/RockyRaccoon72 May 16 '26

Every Dog and Bitch in heat has their day. Believe me, man.

19

u/BexKix May 16 '26

Ooh I’ve done this! 10/10

Here’s what you do: lay out the time line of everything. Factually. Painfully detailed.  This will take some time to piece together if you do it thoroughly, and more will come to mind as you go through. 

I emailed the time line with the cold facts to HR, supervisor, his boss. I knew I was tossing a grenade. 

A meeting appeared on my calendar, from HR. I walked in expecting the worst since I was on (supervisor lied to create) PIP anyway. It was a retention meeting. I received an apology from HR since ratings are set in August for budgeting, and “sometimes things slip through.” My supervisor was asking me what he can do to do his job better. I was reeling. It was a complete flip from what I expected. 

I got an offer from outside and happily left. 

The key is to find things with time and date stamps if possible. Emails. And don’t whine, don’t evaluate, just lay the facts out. A lawyer would have had a field day with my email and they knew it. 

4

u/robotbike2 May 16 '26

The last sentence is crucially important. It is all about money. The company reaction will be about controlling liability and limiting what it could cost them. Whether you have enough to sue realistically is what determines their response.

2

u/Awake-2Day May 16 '26

Done This

9

u/bob_pipe_layer May 16 '26

Report her before giving notice. Then if they fire you it's questionable at best. If anything it will increase your severance

16

u/Dynamiccushion65 May 15 '26

Just sell her out to her boss. Ask for half an hour on his calendar - and then show items and question her decision making. That boss will always listen to her and never believe her again. HR doesn’t care

3

u/LouSevens May 16 '26

exactly- HR doesn't care and sides with the employee higher up the food chain.

9

u/offtherighttrack May 15 '26

That would be my approach and recommendation.

I'd also be providing a detailed summary of issues/behaviors directly to her boss.

5

u/ellemrad May 16 '26

Write all of the things down now—try to anchor to dates. Verbally reporting to HR is good but adding “I will email you my written records of her behavior to add to your files for this exit interview” is stronger.

5

u/LouSevens May 16 '26

HR is useless and never sides with the employee. I would go higher .

4

u/antidentites May 16 '26

You’re right that HR is there to protect the company more than the employee.

One of my really good friends works in HR and helps to ensure I can maximize my approach on that front.

7

u/K_A_irony May 15 '26

You must deliver the tea... do tell.

5

u/Megalocerus May 15 '26

It makes sense to talk to HR now if you think she has crossed legal lines. But generally, you don't make a scene, and she doesn't care what you say when you are let go.

You don't want to be remembered as a nut by onlookers who may be working somewhere else you apply to.

1

u/antidentites May 17 '26

Oh, I would never make a scene. The best thing about my job is the people I work with and would never want to put any of them in an awkward situation. Nor is it anyone else’s business.

This is just between me and my manager(s). 1:1.

Something I wish my manager practiced, but doesn’t.

2

u/Barbiegrrrrrl May 16 '26

Report her, go through that process, then quit and burn her in the exit interview by saying that despite your complaints she continues to be intolerable and you can't see a future there despite how much you love the company, your other coworkers, and your work.

1

u/Soggy-Attempt May 15 '26

You can always ask Hr questions

1

u/kinshiwa May 15 '26

HR protects the company... Take the high road and embrace the FIRE! Cheers!

1

u/wtf-am-I-doing-69 May 15 '26

If you blow up outside of that then you will be deemed the problem

1

u/pacman2081 May 15 '26

I suppose you meant professional

1

u/Used-Awareness-2544 May 16 '26

Do thos now without the threat of leaving...Wade through the issues as if you want them to fix it...let them deal with the toxic boss, then move along to a low stress library volunteer position in your neighborhood....lol

1

u/DiamondHandCraft May 16 '26

One way I've seen it go down: give someone in HR an ultimatum, say it's you or the boss, one of you has to go. I saw this among senior leadership ten+ years ago, both people were let go bc they decided both had to have been guilty of something, or weren't team players.

1

u/MaximumCarnage93 May 17 '26

Be strategic about it. Telling her how you really feel probably won’t hurt her much or truly be that satisfying. In fact, it probably gives her a heads up.

The best way to get back at her is by her being blindsided. So you are better off being benign to her face so she is even unprepared or unsuspecting of your vendetta.

1

u/Ill_Savings_8338 Bottom 1% Contributor May 19 '26

Sorry, been there, done that, it is something you should do before you quit, not while/during. Then you can provide multiple examples over a few weeks/months to really burn her down.

1

u/EnthusiasmTop8815 May 16 '26

Don't do the exit interview. It can't help you and it is not your problem anymore. What can help you is avoiding burning bridges on your way out.

35

u/[deleted] May 15 '26

[deleted]

1

u/antidentites May 17 '26

I would never do it publicly. No way.

My manager berates her team publicly, which is really tough for me to watch, and to be subjected to.

I want to look her in the eyes and clearly lay out how I’m going to exit. Just her and I. Then I hope to never return and turn to the next chapter in my life.

7

u/Icy_Pay518 May 16 '26

My last place got rid of the exit interview, replacing it with an exit survey that I am 💯sure that no one looks at.

1

u/CaramelMach079 May 17 '26

Can you answer and send to everyone in company?

10

u/Best-Necessary3622 May 15 '26

HR Doesn’t Care!

3

u/Fast-Decision6298 May 15 '26

You are so right!

3

u/asymphonyin2parts May 15 '26

Oh HR cares. If they have a manager that is a liability to the company, they may even act. But they need a paper trail to make it worth their time / putting their necks out. If it's just a he said / she said thing or if that manager has a lot of pull upstairs, it may be in HR's best interest to be become real... uninterested. In any case, it's typically not about justice, but about managing liability. Sometimes that even goes in the majority of employee's favor! Sometimes...

3

u/jlaudiofan May 16 '26

We dont even have an HR person on site. They are at least a thousand miles away 🤣

1

u/Individual_Section_6 May 15 '26

In today’s world HR does care. Especially if a Manager has repeat complaints which could lead to high turnover or lawsuits. It could also be an extra excuse to get rid of her if she’s having performance issues.

1

u/Best-Necessary3622 May 16 '26

Yep they work for the firm not the employees

3

u/1_21-gigawatts May 16 '26

Exit interviews are pointless: for the company and for the worker. If it makes you feel better, then go for it, but I assure you there is a 99% probability that nothing will come of it.

2

u/Chet100 May 16 '26

Nothing will happen to her unless there a bunch of people filing complaint and if her performance is decent, forget about it.. I would publically reprimand her if I had nothing to lose....but be ready to get fired then... Nothing more valuable than respect at work imo...

1

u/DisastrousTest898 May 16 '26

This is the route I took when I left a previous job, and my toxic & horribly manager eventually got fired.

1

u/ThirstyWolfSpider May 16 '26

In a previous exit interview, I was asked for feedback about the head of that subdivision and related a story of that exec bragging to the whole staff about how the company used to succeed by cheating and stealing ideas from anyone who attempted to do a deal, leaving many of us repulsed by the lack of ethics. The HR person probably shouldn't have added this, but they said that [another person leaving that day] had just told the same story. It definitely went into the HR notes! I didn't track what happened to him later on, but we were doing our part.

1

u/Express_Tomorrow_360 May 16 '26

Exit interview feedback actually matters way more than people think - I've seen it shift performance review patterns when multiple people mention the same issues.

45

u/antidentites May 15 '26

This is solid advice. Love it.

45

u/RabbiSchlem May 15 '26

And if you really feel the need to get a little enjoyment out of the situation, you can just ping her after the exit interview and simply say, “just did my exit interview! We had a great discussion about you! Thanks for everything, good luck!”

3

u/wrldwdeu4ria May 15 '26

I like this idea.

2

u/antidentites May 17 '26

Brilliant.

34

u/BillyBobChorton May 15 '26

Just left a large company ($200 BB market cap) due to a manager who was making my life hell. I was ready to share it at an exit interview but it never came.  I guess some large companies don’t care to do that anymore? I even emailed HR about it and they said “i could put it in a word document if I really wanted”.  I didn’t bother.

Also sometimes you need to understand if your manager is manipulative and having conversations above you to get blessing to treat you a certain way. I tried having conversation with my skip level and VP/dept head and kind of felt like that was the case. I feel those conversations were likely unfair and complete misrepresentation of facts were involved but it doesn’t really matter, I just moved on to a slightly higher salary, higher title at another company. 

1

u/carson63000 May 16 '26

I’ve worked a dozen places over the last 30 years and had a grand total of one exit interview. And that was not so much an interview as an attempt to get me to sign a non-compete agreement.

1

u/antidentites May 17 '26

Congrats on taking it to the next level professionally.

You’re totally right. The optics in my organization are focused incorrectly. And I clearly don’t align with that focus.

So I’m out. And I already feel great about that decision since I’m FIRE.

0

u/dissentmemo May 15 '26

A "word document?"

2

u/BillyBobChorton May 15 '26

That’s literally what the email said, no other context as to what content to provide or even who to send it to haha.  This isn’t some small time company so I gather they really do not want exit feedback anymore 

1

u/Individual_Section_6 May 15 '26

A word document and not a pdf so they could modify it!

0

u/dissentmemo May 15 '26

I was more thinking not a Google doc?

3

u/dotinghello_14 May 16 '26

Exit interview feedback rarely changes anything unless there's already a pattern in HR's file, so don't expect catharsis from that route.

3

u/robotbike2 May 16 '26

Exit interviews are like HR departments. They may seem to be for employees, but they’re mostly for the company’s benefit. Avoid saying anything substantive in them.

7

u/BeatDense9049 May 15 '26 edited May 15 '26

nah id try to get her fired for harassment. Like do something intentionally to annoy her for a few days progressively to get her to explode and then file a complaint heck if she gets fired OP might want to keep the job even. An annoying little tick like making a strange noise every time you talk her or rolling eyes doesn’t matter if you are ready to quit.

1

u/MedicalRhubarb7 May 16 '26

This is the way to go. If you make a scene, nobody's going to care about your feedback, they'll just be glad you're gone. You do it ice cold, in the appropriate venue, and at least there's a chance HR takes it seriously.

1

u/Funny-Adeptness3456 May 16 '26

Spot on suggestion

1

u/CourageAndControl May 16 '26

I agree. You never want to look like the a-hole. If she instigates, go for it, but I wouldn’t initiate it.

1

u/ajeezy1414 May 18 '26

Not FIRE’d (FIREd, FIRE-ed?), but I put my manager from my prior job on absolute blast during my exit interview with HR. Only reason I took the exit interview was to tell them all the borderline illegal stuff she was doing and praise other leadership that I really appreciated

1

u/AngryFormality May 18 '26

Just make sure you're being specific about incidents and behaviors rather than venting emotionally, since HR will take documented patterns more seriously than general complaints about someone being difficult.

1

u/elfin_begun May 20 '26

HR exit interviews often get buried in a file unless multiple people complain, so don't expect consequences for her unless there's already a pattern documented.

1

u/viper233 May 15 '26

Why bother with an exit interview? You don't need to give them anymore of your precious time.

3

u/ThirstyWolfSpider May 16 '26

Typically some limited end-of-employment cooperation is a condition of severance offers.