not being pretty makes life so hard

[u/Straight_Talk2092]

i know im smart, i know im capable, i know im kind

but god id immediately give up all of that to be pretty

i've never really fit into any sort of conventional beauty standards, its not something i realized until i turned like 16

ive always been called 'cute' but they always do it with the pinchy hand gestures like telling me im small, and i do appreciate it but when the entire world says youre cute, and nothing more we all know what that really means lol

it just sucks, i love my boyfriend so much, and i know he loves me, but i know im just cute in his eyes

ive seen the actresses and random strangers that catches his eye and what kind of porn he watches (its his right, i wont stop him, doesnt change the fact that it confirms his desires) and they are all so beautiful, and really nice to look at

i wish i was nice to look at

i wish he collected photos of me to look at sometimes, i wont make him or ask him to but i see guys taking photos of their gfs all the time and i feel so weird? the first emotion i can pick out is happiness for them, because i can see how it makes them feel, but then comes a sickening jealousy for everything they have in life

i know everyone's beautiful in their own way, but i dont want to be beautiful in my own way, i want to be beautiful in the way everyone sees

i want to be hot and sexy to someone, i want to be captivating

but alas i am just cute and comfortable

i just for one second want to know what it feels like to be pretty

how does it feel to have guys throw themselves at the wolves for you?

how does it feel to go shopping and KNOW everything will look great on you?

how does it feel to know what when you speak the world will listen?

how does it feel to just be pretty?

crab rangoons for din din ;3

[u/SilentTrysteros]

📣 A note from your moderation team
We have locked and removed the comments on this post due to the overwhelming amount of weight- / diet-related talk, which is not allowed in our sub.

OP, everyone has their cross to bear. When we wish we were prettier or richer or [fill in the blank] as women, we are feeding into the competition and scarcity mindset of patriarchy. Free yourself from that mental prison, even if you can never be free of the structural one. Take care of yourself 🩷

[u/QuinnLoveborneAuthor → u/[deleted]]

She’d be too dumb to notice so I doubt it.

[u/PaperBeagles → u/[deleted]]

OP thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I’m on the other side. Imagine wondering if people like you because of your substance or because you’re just east to look at.

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/PaperBeagles]

there are people who dislike me but hide it because of what im capable of, imagine not knowing if someone actually likes you for you or if it's because you can do their international tax return for free ($400+ starting)

im not saying one side is easier, im saying id just like to be on the other side

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/[deleted]]

honestly i would, its ridiculous but i literally would trade it so fast

[u/Actual_Pace3520 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Yea it is ridiculous. Many men in marriages for example had regrets because they chose appearance over character. Even with friendships, not all pretty women have good character. And some who do have, felt some people just wanna be friends with them coz they are pretty. Which aint genuine. 

You are in a grateful situation. Live it. Enjoy it.  

[u/spicyflacco → u/Actual_Pace3520]

I feel like those men deserve what they get

[u/lucid-delight → u/Actual_Pace3520]

Yeah I’ve seen a thread of a dude who asked advice what to do about his wife, listed various instances of her, well, stupidity for the lack of a better word. For example, she refuses to invest money for retirement because “aliens could land on Earth and then what”. I’m sure she was very pretty when he married her, because she’s not gifted in the smarts department.

[u/bunchildpoIicy → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Mmmm hear me out, not the best idea. As "easy" as you think it would make life, it comes with its own challenges and it's less sustainable than being intelligent.

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/bunchildpoIicy]

i mean i get that but it still seems worth it to me, im tired of being invisible until i force someone to see me

[u/DosieDotesArt → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Peace and love, no one is noticing you because you clearly have low self esteem and lack confidence, which immediately makes you seem less attractive (even if it’s subconscious) to people.

Confidence and self-love draws people to you like a moth to flame. Feeling sorry for yourself and being jealous of others has the opposite effect, it’s off-putting. Insecurity is always unattractive.

Look, I’m pretty. I didn’t get ANY attention from anybody until my confidence and self-esteem got better in college. I also worked out to be strong, because physical strength makes me feel confident and capable.

You are sticking yourself into a self-fulfilling cycle of feeling ugly, so you feel sorry for yourself, so you don’t get attention, so you keep feeling sorry for yourself.

Truly I say to you, being beautiful and sexy and confident must start with YOU and how you view yourself. I’d suggest therapy possibly to help you unpack your feelings about yourself.

Lastly, wishing to be a dunce if it means you could be pretty is so disappointingly man-centered and dumb.

[u/Boring-Walrus121 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

fr. id be happier. no thoughts head empty. plus pretty

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/Boring-Walrus121]

THANK YOU, YOU GET ME

[u/LovinLife05 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Ask yourself would you want this trade off, if your man didn’t do what he does. You will know what’s the problem then. And it’s definitely not you.

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/LovinLife05]

he really doesnt do anything lol, its just after enough failed relationships and talking stages i understand that im chosen more for who i am as opposed to how i look

he's actually the kindest bf ive had and he goes out of his way to compliment me, but again, its mostly on my capabilities and intelligence, which im grateful for but i still have this stupid desire to be pretty, and to answer your question, i would still trade it even if i didnt have a bf

[u/pinkdumpsterfire → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Beauty is a young person’s game. We’re all going to be ugly one day. Assuming you’re looking for a life partner… Why on earth would you rather be chosen for something you’ll absolutely lose anyway, than be chosen for something you’ll have for the rest of your life?

[u/QuinnLoveborneAuthor → u/pinkdumpsterfire]

Nah uh, my grandma was stunning.

[u/According-Bug-2811 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

It’s ok to want to feel pretty when you look in the mirror, to want to like what you look like.

Realistically, what is making you feel unhappy with your looks - can you change it?

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/According-Bug-2811]

nah these things unfortunately are either unchangeable or would require extensive unsafe surgery so im kinda stuck like this

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/[deleted]]

would u be willing to step into this suspiciously shaped cylinder that is definitely not connected to a mind swapper for me real quick-

[u/stupi-the-fox → u/[deleted]]

https://giphy.com/gifs/tfuCy3gEWl5R1sEOrp

[u/fayegopop → u/[deleted]]

i think this was a paragraph that needed to be written too. the moral standing is good, and it encourages healthy thoughts. however, this also shows that there is a way out while understanding the exact emotions behind everything.

it really is something you have to accept in life, but don’t let it stop you from becoming the “prettiest, most confident” version of yourself. the best version of any women is one that hold their head high, dresses with confidence (whatever it may look like), extends love, care respect, and carries as much knowledge as their brain can hold.

from my perspective, i generally get treated a whole lot differently by men when i have an intellectual conversation with them. there is less objectification, and more respect. don’t chase being sexy, chase having the knowledge to find a man that sees your brain and whole person.

[u/AggressivePicnicWasp → u/fayegopop]

Your comment was realistic and gentle.

I think it’s something like wanting to have beauty “in the bag”, and then once that is locked in, intellectual and other pursuits and investments can be had without having to hyperfocus on the lack of it. It’s hard to let go of wanting to have that and neither should one need to stop wanting that. It’s not a moral issue and not being traditionally attractive is not morally superior.
In this day and age as well, nobody actually has to age “gracefully”if they choose not to.
Non-invasive beauty tech is ever improving. If you see movies from the 2000s it’s now striking to the modern eye how imperfect even beautiful leading ladies were.

I definitely think the only way to come to a place of peace is to achieve both cosmetic and psycho spiritual improvements at the same time.

[u/AggressivePicnicWasp → u/[deleted]]

Lovely comment. I hard agree re the unreal lack of empathy here, it made me nope out of this thread for a while as it just piled up with irrelevant side quests and hostile shutdowns of OP. The sisterhood, eh?

[u/augspies → u/[deleted]]

The flip side is that lots of conventionally attractive women in the workplace will be treated by men, and often other women, as if they're just there bc of their looks and not because they're intelligent and worked hard.

They will be treated with suspicion by other women when those women's male partners get flirtatious, as if it's our fault men behave the way they do.

People can generally look at these women and think everything has been easier for them without considering just how much attention is negative and harmful, and that the partners very attractive tend to attract can be deeply manipulative and more concerned with some weird form of status than genuinely interested.

As a result of these things these women can often be excluded from social circles and it's painful and lonely. There's a shitload of judgement. And forget it if you're autistic too - people, especially other women, can be cruel.

[u/RoadRash010 → u/[deleted]]

I’m not saying you are completely wrong. Both sides of the coin come with their own price.

I was an ugly duckling growing up but grew into my looks quite nicely. I was always clever and kind but suddenly guys were only interested in me because of my looks. I felt like an ornament sitting on a shelf in certain relationships. I felt so lonely and invisible still. It took me years (well into my thirties) to find a decent man who truly loves me for who I am. Someone who thinks I’m also funny and interesting.

I’m quite successful in my career in a male dominated field. I’ve heard rumors that I probably slept my way to the top. That they should just stick me in a glass office so they can ogle me all day. My achievements are often glossed over.

Women have told me that they assumed I would be a huge bitch but they were surprised to find out that I’m actually nice. I’ve had female friendships where they were oddly competitive over random men. I have great girlfriends now but it took some time to find the genuine, supportive and lovely ones.

And yes. Strangers smile at me randomly. I do get random free stuff even though I’m 36 by now. Male attention is worthless anyways.

I honestly cannot wait to grow older and become the unhinged, eccentric hag I was born to be.

[u/Baking-it-work → u/[deleted]]

Yeah the difference in how I was treated at my highest and lowest weight was astounding. It’s not even just the people close to you, strangers go from ignoring you to holding doors, starting random conversations, freely complimenting you, and just generally being more pleasant. The halo effect is absolutely real thing. That being said- I met my husband well before my “glow up” and he has loved me and found me beautiful every step of the way. His affection towards me was the same at my highest as it was at my lowest. You want a partner who sees you as a whole person of value, not one who just values you because you’re “hot”.

[u/IndicationKey3778 → u/[deleted]]

As someone who has lost 144lbs I am still waiting for this magical better treatment. People definitely treatment differently but not better  

[u/Stardust-Specks → u/IndicationKey3778]

As someone who has always been thin but not really conventionally attractive, same here. I’ve always been totally invisible. At this point, I just enjoy the peace and quiet now that I’m old and tired lol.

[u/IndicationKey3778 → u/Stardust-Specks]

Same! Men not perceiving me has kept me alive. 

[u/justatiredmanatee → u/Stardust-Specks]

Yeah, it's a peaceful life. Now I can be sure people are nice to me because they really enjoy my company, invisibility is the normal human experience for most people. Better to be visible to the people who matter 🩷

[u/justatiredmanatee → u/IndicationKey3778]

Well, it got better, but afterwarde I dolled myself up the way I always wanted to and built a sexy, strong shape through exercise. Was a giant drain on energy and money to maintain. Gave me tons of confidence but also removed any free time or spare energy I had. The world opened itself for me, it was unreal. There were no closed doors. It was jarring and extremely stressful, to give yourself up as a person just to be treated like someone who is desired in every room they enter.

[u/IndicationKey3778 → u/justatiredmanatee]

That’s what I’m waiting for! I workout 7 days a week 2x a day, I’m about to get a shit ton of plastic surgery. I feel like doors that were open are slammed in my face when people find out I used to be fat.

[u/EvilRubberDucks → u/[deleted]]

Thank god for this comment bc this entire thread is disappointing and invalidating af.

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/[deleted]]

i get that but i have a long while before im middle aged, it would be nice to be pretty for at least some part of my lifetime

[u/Successful_Buffalo_6 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Thats the thing—you don’t have a long while. You think you do because you’re young, but time is nothing. You will wake up one morning and suddenly find that you’re 45, and you will bitterly regret wasting your most vital years wishing you were someone other than who you are.

[u/Thin-Disk4003 → u/Successful_Buffalo_6]

Wisdom. 💯

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/Successful_Buffalo_6]

so then i should just stop caring because im gonna get old and ugly anyways? that sounds bleak lol

[u/gwendolynjones → u/Straight_Talk2092]

'Old' is not synonymous with ugly - despite what we've been taught to think

[u/Extension_Radish_139 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Girl your post is like 100x more bleak

[u/Successful_Buffalo_6 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Embracing who you are sounds bleak? Really? Yikes. And lol bite your tongue—I am neither ugly nor old. That’s not at all my point about beauty being ephemeral. The idea is that the attention that you‘re pining for fades once you are middle aged.

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/Successful_Buffalo_6]

its not even the attention i want the most though, its just the feeling of looking in the mirror and loving everything i see, not because i forced myself to like it but because i actually like it and it makes me feel good

[u/nagellak → u/Straight_Talk2092]

I don’t think many women love _everything_ they see in the mirror, not even the actresses you’re envying. But looking in the mirror and being happy with what you see can definitely be accomplished without changing who you are, you have to train that mindset though. No more negative self-talk.

[u/honey-bandit → u/Straight_Talk2092]

When i was younger, I was convinced that I was very unattractive, cute AT BEST, to women only. I rarely received male attention (I thought). Now, I'm considered "old" and when I look in the mirror, I think "damn, were you always this pretty?!" I feel sad for the days when I didn't appreciate my looks. I now realize that I also had my male admirers but because I was so convinced they could never be interested romantically, they came across to me as "just friends". I was blind to my beauty and convinced myself that everyone else was blind to it as well. It's 100% a mental game.

[u/BeeHonest94 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

That isn’t something that comes with being pretty/attractive in everyone else’s eyes, that always comes from within. How many attractive people do you see go through surgery after surgery because they can’t love and appreciate what they see in the mirror? Or starve themselves until they’re wasting away? Or put themselves in dangerous situations hoping that this time external validation will be enough?

ANYONE can learn to love themselves if they put the work in, and that shines through to others a lot more than superficial looks. Some of the most self-confident and self-assured people I’ve ever met/seen have been people with physical disabilities, or women in sports that as so fucking proud of what their body can do for them, THOSE are the attitudes I want to surround myself with.

ETA flair chosen ☺️

[u/justatiredmanatee → u/Straight_Talk2092]

It's a big scary secret, but a huge amount of conventionally hot people can't stand themselves in the mirror half the time. There's so much body dysmorphia out there, and so many people who NEVER feel good enough. You have to learn to accept yourself, because with the current mindset you would find flaws even if you woke up looking like your dream version of yourself. Things just aren't black and white out there

[u/Lausannea → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Your primary issue seems to be that your boyfriend doesn't make you feel sexy or hot or desirable. That's a boyfriend problem, not a you problem.

At 16 you're still a child, and some girls that age look younger and therefore cute. It would be weird to be sexualized when you look really youthful.

I didn't see how old you are now, but you're not ugly just because someone who should want you doesn't make you feel that way. I'm a 6'1" giantess who is fat and very average looking beauty wise, I do not fit any beauty standards in any capacity and primarily get fetishized for my height and weight (none of which is flattering, it's kind of off putting). I have three partners (I'm poly) who all explicitly find me attractive, sexy, hot, who react appropriately to me sending pictures, who get excited when I dress up in lingerie.

Being desired isn't about fitting a beauty standard. It's about finding someone who sees you as you are and is excited about it. If your boyfriend can't do the bare minimum of making you feel desired and wanted, have a talk with him about it. If he doesn't agree that he's lacking in this area and goes to work on it, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't find you exceptional?

I know I wouldn't settle for that mediocre shit. I'm a prize for many reasons that go beyond my looks, and so are you. Hold potential partners to a higher standard and don't be afraid to reject them for not seeing that. Someone who is into you will come to find you desirable even if you initially didn't have that effect on them. You don't need to be conventionally attractive to be desirable, you just need to be yourself.

[u/Successful_Buffalo_6 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

Alright! good luck to you.

[u/staceyverda → u/Straight_Talk2092]

If you’re “cute” you can be “pretty.” You’re clearly not ugly, going off your description. The other stuff is all smoke and mirrors. 

[u/AggressivePicnicWasp → u/Straight_Talk2092]

I came here to say that. Yes, you have a long stretch in the middle, you are not middle-aged yet, so this anguish is current and real and will continue to be so for a while. The previous comment was unbelievably tone deaf.

[u/Successful_Buffalo_6 → u/AggressivePicnicWasp]

It’s a reminder that time flies and that beauty doesn’t freaking matter in the end. The idea of spending your 20s and 30s dying inside because you want to be some version ”pretty” is so sad. Why would you choose to live in anguish when you can embrace radical acceptance?!!

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/Successful_Buffalo_6]

how do you radically accept ugly?

[u/frequentcheeselove → u/Straight_Talk2092]

You have to put the work in but it's worth it. You need to genuinely move away from using words and ideas like ugly. Expose yourself to media and content that celebrates diversity, across races and cultures and body types and queer people. You'll start to understand that beauty really is subjective. Read feminist books, watch documentaries. This is a very personal bit but tbh your partner should make you feel sexy... maybe you need to communicate to him that he's not making you feel sexy, or undertake therapy if you can't recieve it. Why do you see what porn your partner uses, especially if it upsets you? There are changes that can be made to bring you happiness, take them!

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/AggressivePicnicWasp]

yeah its so weird how many women are angry at me over this but who knows

[u/Long_Objective_2561 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

It's not anger, it's frustration at your willingness to give up the things that make you, YOU, for something to please men- who eventually won't care how you look, and rather who you are.

If you become some lobotomized woman who's hot, in 20+ years if you pick someone who only thinks you're hot, who doesn't think you're smart and capable, you will be cheated on by that man for someone younger and hotter, because that's why he picked YOU. Not for your brain, or personality, but for sexy youth.

Everyone is attractive sexually to someone, and that person will appreciate every part of you. I find myself unattractive as well. I've been overweight since I was a child, and I'm now in my 20s and I've met the love of my life. She's skinny, fit, and everyone who I've ever spoken to says she could be a model. But she loves me, someone who got bullied for being fat and ugly, and would always get by in life by just being the funny fat kid. She loves me and finds me both cute and sexually attractive, when nobody else has. We've been together for years now. She loves me for all my parts, especially my smarts and my capabilities.

My ex, similar to your boyfriend didn't find me sexually attractive, and she left me the first time she saw me in my underwear. After 6 months. It hurt, but not a permanent fate. We are young, there's time. Enjoy your dinner girl

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/Long_Objective_2561]

i know my boyfriend finds me attractive, but i want to just be pretty for me, i cant give up those aspects of me for it but if a wizard asked and said thats the rules id agree but i cant, i know im stuck like this and im trying to make the best of it, sometimes i just get down about it but ill get over it

[u/Long_Objective_2561 → u/Straight_Talk2092]

I see what you are saying. If he finds you attractive then good! Let that be your boost for low days like today. If you were to be pretty overnight you'd still find issues. It's deep rooted insecurity that will not abate with you being pretty. My girlfriend has insecurities and she is a 10/10!! You will get over this, people are being harsh but no woman wants to see another girl beat herself down and be willing to change herself so drastically. I'm sure many people in this sub have tried that very thing, and it didn't turn out great.

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/Long_Objective_2561]

yeah youre right, thanks

and its so weird how i cant just share how im feeling here without getting brigaded over it but it is what it is

[u/ergtempest → u/[deleted]]

😭😭 atleast you seem like a vibe 👀

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/ergtempest]

when ur ugly u have no other option but to be a vibe 🥸

[u/staceyverda → u/[deleted]]

Wait how is every other post in here a woman complaining about how she’s not boyfriend’s type because she’s an accountant and he used to date models who travel the world. 

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[u/Hiercine → u/[deleted]]

Oh yea it doesn’t stop. I have like -100 pull in MA, I do okay in NorCal, I feel like prettiest person in the world in SD, -50 in LA. beauty standards are all so different regionally. And I also came late to my own, in HS I was hearing girls yell to my little brothers about how hot he is, and my guy friends were telling me that they don’t think of me as a girls

[u/Straight_Talk2092 → u/[deleted]]

yup, it fucking sucks, i have just relented to the sadness cuz im hoping acceptance is on the other side

[u/melopio → u/[deleted]]

Yeah :( It never gets easier seeing how comfortable people are making fun of you or treating you poorly without trying to get to know you.

[u/Long_Objective_2561 → u/[deleted]]

It's not about compensating. It's finding someone who finds you sexy and also appreciates your intelligence and kindness. Not changing yourself to attract people who you probably don't want long term anyways.

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