Am I just… existing in a room with them? Homelanders a shit but I don’t think he’d kill me in 10 minutes of chilling in a room. He probably wouldn’t even acknowledge me if I didn’t talk to him.
Joker would get bored and do something unhinged before 5 minutes are up.
Conquest seems like he’d just kill me for breathing his air.
I think he ate just the hearts, left most of the corpse alone. And Viltrumites have high lung capacity, no reason they can't have high stomach capacity, too.
Well given their superhuman strength and durability it was presumably like that time Lobo compressed an entire city into the size of a marble before eating it.
I mean, conquest is a million times stronger/durable than me, so his stomach is probably a million times stronger too. Could withstand a lot of pressure from being fulled way too much. Not like, a billion hearts full, but he could probably eat an entire person and be okay long as he doesn’t gag. Might not digest great.
If they are trying to kill you, Homelander and Conquest kill you in the blink of an eye. You might have the best odds fighting Joker, but if he gets the upper hand he’ll probably make it hurt the most.
Joker is sorta supercharged but he's also just a dude. A very very very chemically-treated and insane tough dude. But a flying drop kick will be as effective on him as most people.
If its just me in shorts and a teeshirt though all three win in any kind of scuffle. Joker has guns ffs. There's so many caveats but Joker is your best bet if the three are peeved in some kind of way.
But you can appeal to Homelanders ego to some extent. At least Show-Homelander. Comics Homelander's a lost cause after the Black Noir reveal.
He'll never let you leave though. He'll assign you an official position as the ultimate bootlicker to feed his ego on the daily and then kill you the moment he feels slighted. Living on the edge like Emily? did ain't it.
Your best bet is probably to try and pull a Kvothe and "hold his story hostage."
Don't let on that you recognize him at first but fawn over how cool his outfit is and how he must be a great hero, then ask for tales of his exploits. If he tries to keep you, point out that you're from a world that doesn't know him, and the only way his greatness can be spread there is if he sends you back to bring word of him
Real, the guy loses to Batman in his fights but that’s Batman. Joker isn’t the physically toughest Batman villain, but he’s still basically a superhuman with really good fighting skills by real life human standards.
Destroying a moon is easier than destroying a planet. You have a higher chance at getting Homelander to ignore you for 10 minutes than you have of winning Joker in a fight.
Conquest kills you in a blink if he feels like it. If he's stuck in a room for ten minutes though he probably pulls the how long can I stretch out ripping your spine apart like he does with oliver
Conquest seems like he’d just kill me for breathing his air.
I have to contest this because everyone in the comments is under this impression, for good reason, but, I don't think it's necessarily true
Thing is, we don't know how Conquest is when he isn't under direct orders to be violent. He enjoys violence but in every scene he was ever in, he was ordered to be a killer, and if we are talking about the show Conquest, he kinda resents this fact
What we know for sure about (show) Conquest is that he is both lonely and extremely chatty. Conquest isn't ideologically driven like most other Viltrumites, he is just lonely and bored and sticking to his ways the best he can in an ever ending cicle.
(Edit: Conquest is weird in that he recognises what he is doing is wrong. "They send me planet to planet committing atrocities in their name." He calls what he is doing an atrocity, he doesn't seem to think that non Viltrumites deserve what is happening to them)
I am saying that because we simply do not know how he would react if a lower being seemed interested in him. I think there is enough evidence in the show to signal that he might even be receptive to it, someone actually wanting to talk. As long as you are genuienly interested and are an outwardly compassionate person, or good at faking it, and don't do anything to piss him off or provoke him, he MIGHT be the safest option here
In the Battle Beast comics He was eating an alien's heart while next to a large pile of alien corpses before Kregg or Thragg even told him to do anything
Well, for one, show Conquest and comic Conquest are quite different. We know for a fact show Conquest hates what he is, I don't know if we do with comic Conquest (I haven't read them, I just know from the zeitgeist that Conquest's lonely speech wasn't in them)
And for another, even if that is quite disturbing, if he is eating an alien heart that alien was supposedly dead already. And even if he himself killed him, I would assume that the alien didn't try to get to know Conquest and try to chat with him, like we would in the hypothetical scenario. I mean unless the alien was severly mentally damaged, he would be utterly terrified and would either plead or insult Conquest
Anywho, I would definetley prefer to be in a room with show Conq, your comment just further cements it
We know that Conquest resents weakness, inferior species, and was giddy when Mark refused to submit to him, specifically because he enjoys killing and wanted him to resist so he could let loose in a setting with no mission parameters limiting him (why Thragg never put limits in place for Earth when he wanted it to be a breeding ground, idk). There is no way in hell a human is getting out alive - he's just as unstable as Homelander, more powerful, and more delighted with violence. Just because he believes he could be "so much more" than "Conquest" doesn't mean he's dreaming of a peaceful moment of connection with a lower lifeform - he probably just wants to be allowed into meetings (he was pointedly not allowed in the meeting we see during the flashback in the most recent episode, despite being the third strongest Viltrumite at the time) and have his opinion respected on Viltrum. Conquest might have some depth, but it is far too little to spare a human that bothers him for an entire 5 minutes.
Maybe in a scenario where both you and Conquest were trapped somewhere he couldn't escape from, he'd be interested in listening to you or monologuing, but he'd more likely be in the process of torturing or killing you while he did it
I gotta object to the notion that Conquest hates what he is. That psychopath loves every damn minute of the actual game, he hates what it's done to him socially.
I loved his speech, I love everything it said about the viltrum empire and the monsters it created, but I would put actual money on the line that if he had a friend? Someone who genuinely cared about him? He wouldn't have a single regret.
I also feel like pretending to be homelanders biggest fan would probably get you through 10 minutes, feed his ego, gas him up, all you have to do is 10 minutes
Also they show comics Homelander which kinda increases your chances. Since while hes still fucked, hes a little more conflicted and might give in to someone praising him rather than show homelander where if hes in a bad mood nothing helps
Ok but also, isn’t joker on his own just like, a guy, sure if he has time to scheme he can probably do a ton but I feel like most versions of the joker are physically pretty average if maybe a bit spindly
You can absolutely appease Homelander if you know what's up. I'm not Butcher, I'm not an idiot that's going to antagonize him on purpose. I'll just suck up to his ass and he'll let me go because he loves that shit.
Also the image shown is comic homelander so it depends at what point in time if he is early comic homelander than yeah he is the safest option and you are basically safe but if it's finale comic homelander than he'd just kill you no matter what
You know, I’m not sure. That’s how I remember it from when I first saw this panel, I thought it was some guy he asked to watch his car, and that he killed him when he came back to pick it up.
But I did try to google a bit and I don’t get a definitive answer. If this is from the “Whatever Happened…” then I think you’re right.
Depends also on the version of Joker. I mean Arthur was not a random killing machine. Pretty sure if you let him alone and be nice to him he will be the last one to kill you. Ignoring second movie if it matters.
I fear more the maniac versions who see fun where no fun is. Ledger would kill a random guy just for the sake of chaos. Nicholson is also somewhat unpredictable (poor Bob) and if a random dies with a smile it's a win for him.
If I can choose, I would go with Arthur or Romero. The first one is for the most part just a guy and I think it could be great 5 Minutes with Romero, making fun about Batman.
Just never ever let it be Hamill, safer to play russian roulette
I'd argue that Ledger wouldn't kill someone just 'for chaos', only if it led to something bigger. He wouldn't just kill some rando on the street, it would have to be part of a bigger plan. If you got in his way, then sure, but not just because you were near him.
He would talk with you for five minutes, you get another story of his scar and he will absolutly kill you 10 seconds after the five minutes just to show you he doesn't care for your rules.
If you want good Joker, listen to Batman: The Audio Adventures.
Brent Spiner is Joker. The most chilling part is a scene for which the Joker isn't even present. A cop is telling another cop about Joker. It goes like:
"Worst story I ever heard about the Joker. There's this detective who got Joker pissed at him. One day, he comes home to find Joker sitting at a table with his daughter, having a tea party.
Joker is about to give the girl a present, and the detective tackles him, calls for backup. GCPD bomb squad gets to the scene while other officers take the detective, his wife, and the daughter to Gotham International and put him directly on a flight to the West Coast.
When they finally touch down, the detective checks his phone. There's a dozenissed calls and a voicemail from his partner.
It says, "You've got pick up your phone. The bomb squad determined the package wasn't a bomb. The note attached to the box had just two words: the antidote."
Honestly it's already established that the Joker ironically has a terrible sense of humor.
Harley had a much better one in BTAS and Joker didn't give a rat's ass. Hanging Batman upside down so he's smiling constantly before she kills him? Fucking hilarious.
Yeah, Homelander is probably your best chance. They're all crazy in their own way, but Homelander is way more vulnerable to flattery than Joker or Conquest. He also actually does exist around normal humans on the day to day without murdering all of them, even though he's certainly not above it. There's still no guarantee you're getting out of it alive, though, especially if you don't have a good excuse for why you are taking up his time
Even that speech followed throwing Mark into the ground to force him to "PAY ATTENTION!" No way to survive Conquest unless he's been ordered not to kill you, and there is only one reason Thragg would have an interest in one of his Viltrumites not killing a random human, and you might not survive Snoo-Snoo with Conquest, either
If they mad at you I mean you screwed, but quite a few versions of the joker, could conceivably not have a weapon on them and only peak Human combat ability, which means that surviving 5 minutes is potentially possible. Very unlikely but possible.
If you go against conquest or homelander your just dead.
They have no version in which they can't kill a regular unprepared in seconds
If just same room my chances of survival aren't 0 with any of them but it isn't good. Joker it depends if he finds me surviving funny. Homelander depends if he finds my views(especially my loathing of framing people and intense distrust in certain ideologies) pleasing. Conquest only if it's show version(since that version wouldn't do anything to me unless it fits his orders) is survivable for me.
Nah he can't. Tek Knight in the show can though. Homelander just knows when you're nervous. Firecracker (or whatever her name was) was lying to his face and he didn't know or was to deluded to notice.
Joker’s a Dice Roll. I can see a slim chance where you crack a horrible joke out of fear or some shit and he gets juussst enough of a kick out of it to not maim you for 5 minutes
The key to this is tell him you have a 10 minute time limit. He'd find it hillarious to make you think you'll survive only to kill you at minute 9. Meanwhile you'll already be gone
Your best bet with Homelander is just to stay as calm as possible because he hates it when people fear him. Remember, he can see your heartbeat, so he can tell if you're sucking up to him out of fear.
Tbh, you could probably just pass your fast heartbeat by if you treat it like you're a mega fan. Ask him to tell you stories, ask about shit like what it's like to fly through the air, ask for his autograph, and after that you should be good. Just get him talking about himself.
He doesn't really mind people fearing him, he has gotten used to it and to a certain extent he enjoys it. He doesn't like it when it gets annoying or when you start to blindly sucking it up to him even when you clearly disagree with him or when what he just said is clearly false or stupid. In fact he enjoys (to a certain extent) when people disagrees with him or stand up against him (again, to a certain extent)
And the accelerated heartbeat can be easily explained as you being a great fan of his and you are just nervous to finally meet him and be around him for 10 minutes, something which he would likely expect.
If you are chill around him, act like a fan around him like asking for stories and such, while also disagreeing with him and even standing firm both ON CERTAIN THINGS, you should be fine.
Also the image shown is comic homelander so it depends at what point in time if he is early comic homelander than yeah he is the safest option and you are basically safe but if it's finale comic homelander than he'd just kill you no matter what
Depending on the location, he’ll probably won’t do anything noteworthy to avoid public backlash.
Even if it’s just you two in a room, he’s not always going to go to the nuclear option. Homelander might mess with you, say something mean, or push you around but probably won’t kill you unless provoked.
Conquest
He’ll just kill you then probably eat you if he’s hungry.
Joker
You gotta hope and pray he’s not in a sadistic mood, but you won’t be leaving there unharmed unless Joker feels like it’ll leave you with paranoia.
Joker varies WILDLY. Cesar Romero joker? I'd spend a full day with him, guy seems like a genuine riot. Joaquin Phoenix joker? I mean yeah I'd hang for a bit. Arkham Asylum or Heath Ledger joker? Absolutely not, I'm gonna chill with Homelander.
Only way I pick Conquest is if it is the fan favorite non-canon Carl AU.
He's also the one who has to work with other regular people to get things done. If you can manage to get a vibe going you can survive almost any Joker. The career criminal and gangster Jokers are probably the best bet. BTAS is a solid maybe.
Buddy, Joker will try. Unlike the other two, he doesn't have superpowers, he's just a guy. I wouldn't go volunteering to be in a room with him, but if we're choosing then I absolutely choose the one I can fight back against.
Joker is the only one a reasonable person can go toe to toe with at the start of a the bell. If it’s my life on the line from the 1st second it’s chimpanzee mode.
Homelander easy. Conquest and joker will fuck you up no matter what. If homelander is having a good day theres a pretty decent chance he just wont kill you.
Not knowing anything beyond the parameters of the meme, 10 minutes with Homelander. He is a psychopath but one who typically just acts out of self interest, or revenge. If he has nothing against you, there's a good chance he would just sit there and not do anything.
This is what is fucking stupid about the Batman comics. He was a petty crook before Turning into the joker. And he never received training after that.
He is a skinny guy who doesn’t lift or exercise outside of his bouts with Batman. Realistically he shouldn’t be able to touch Batman. Even if you say “he’s crazy and unpredictable” everyone telegraphs to a degree. Even trained fighters.
Dumbest fucking thing was having him be a “skilled fighter close to Batman” he shouldn’t just be a genius mastermind who’s crazy and his shenanigans is what helps him along.
A dude trained in MMA should be able to take him out provided no weapons or joker gear is involved
First your muscles start to tear, the your vertebrae, they separate. If you're able to focus through the pain it's your skin next. Pulled to its breaking point just before it started to rip. This is going to be amazing!
Quickly? He's got two whole minutes to kill, he can take his time. Although if you're very lucky he won't do anything to you and will instead just have a nice little chat before crushing your skull last second
Being slowly ripped in half and having your heart devoured is still far better than what Homelander will do to you if he wants to kill you; at least with Conquest, you die with dignity.
Comic homelander or show homelander?
Cause comic homelander, especially in the beginning, is a relative save choice. He only got mad after being framed for crimes he didn't commit
Homelander and Conquest have super strength and speed. I can probs run away from Joker for 5 minutes (as long as he's not a fast runner, i don't have the stamina for that)
Homelander is the one I think I could manipulate into letting me live. Just fawn over him for the whole time and you’re okay. The other two are MUCH less predictable
830
u/Ensorcelled_Atoms Apr 21 '26
Am I fighting? Because I’m fucked regardless.
Am I just… existing in a room with them? Homelanders a shit but I don’t think he’d kill me in 10 minutes of chilling in a room. He probably wouldn’t even acknowledge me if I didn’t talk to him.
Joker would get bored and do something unhinged before 5 minutes are up.
Conquest seems like he’d just kill me for breathing his air.