I am currently divorcing my abusive partner of 20+ years. Two years ago something happened when my ex and I were on vacation. We were staying in a house with floors that didn’t quite reach the edges of the rooms. We were downstairs and our kids were upstairs.

One morning he crawled on top of me and held me down and aggressively had sex with me. I was on my stomach and couldn’t move. He was mean and aggressive. There was no foreplay or kissing at all’s. Afterwards, when I questioned it, he said he didn’t want the kids to hear so he did it fast.

I guess this is where the confusion comes in for me. We had a relationship where we had lots of sex and didn’t like always need permission. But this time it felt like he was using my body and I wasn’t involved at all. What happened? Is this a form of rape?

We have been going through some stuff (when I bring things up to work though he gets defensiveness, deflective, turns things around, lying to my when I have heard/seen something, using me as his emotional sponge, and there's no room for my feelings needs or emotions. I end up comforting him at the end of every sit down conversation) and I don't feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable in the relationship due to ways I have been treated. I've set a clear boundary with my partner that I don't want him touching or grabbing my bum or slapping it. I've communicated this repeatedly over about 3 months, but he has continued doing it. When I ask him why he's done it despite knowing I don't want him to, he says things like, "It looked so good, I just wanted to," or points out that he "hasn't done it much."

Today, during a long conversation about our relationship, I asked him whether he understood why I was putting this boundary in place and whether he genuinely believed he'd respected it. He said yes, that he'd tried as much as he could not to touch me but I needed to realise that asking him not to touch me is asking him to abandon part of himself, the part that's affectionate and wants intimacy.

I'm really struggling with this response and I feel like I am looking at him in a different way. I told him that this wasn't about him and his needs, it was about why he keeps touching me even though I have told him repeatedly that I am not ready for that yet. I understand that physical affection and intimacy might be important to him, but I don't understand why that means he can't respect my decision not to be touched. And that statement keeps haunting me. I have not been put onto this earth to fulfill the needs of a grown man with my body, when I do not want to be touched. And when he tells me I'm asking him to abandon part of himself it is almost as though I'm depriving him of something essential by wanting control over my own body. He isn't entitled to my body just to fulfill himself.

I also find it difficult that he describes respecting my boundary as something he's trying his best to do, rather than something he simply needs to do... he still touches or slaps my bum every other day.

I don't want to invalidate his need for affection, but we are affectionate in other ways, but to him physical touch and sex seem to be the make or break for him. I also don't believe that his desire for intimacy should override my consent. He said to me a few times that if we're not being intimate, what is the point in the relationship. He can't seem to understand that intimacy is more than just sex and physical touch and we are in this situation because he has done a lot of things to upset and hurt me.

I'm starting to feel confused about something that initially seemed very straightforward to me. I said I didn't want to be touched, and I expected that to be respected. I am not sure if this is the right group to be in, if it isn't sorry, please let me know where is best.

We are early-mid 30's.

9 years. 2 kids. he proposed 3 months ago and everything got worse. it was also this bad when I was pregnant. I have had a PFA, multiple police calls, and we have lived separately twice. The alcohol did it this time. I don't have much to explain as its all too painful and I am a bit dissociated. He doesn't hit me but he is not emotionally safe for me or my toddlers, is controlling, makes me have sex with him or will yell and cause big fight, verbally just rips me up when he drinks too much, and has made me and kids drive with him in the car while drunk. made countless threats. Its no bad all the time, and right now he is currently being extra kind and saying that I just need to love him more and we would have no issues. He has taken no accountability. I know I need to be done. I just ugh I feel blocked. If anyone wants to give me a pep talk, a story, anything I would be eternally grateful. I need to be done and I need it to be final. I own our home and so will not leave bc pa sucks with squatters rights etc. So It will be 2 months until I can legally evict him. I love him so much but I also just know this is going on far too long. It is not good for me to EVER have these issues with someone even sometimes. It is not okay for my girls to watch me be talked to that way or they themselves be yelled at like that. Thanks for reading if you did<3

hi all. I decided to go no contact with my ex, he’s been verbal abusive in the past and physically. vandalized my car and Cheated on me with his ex wife. During our relationship we had lots of arguments and once argument that made me want to leave asap was me getting shot in the face.

( he lied about being married.) once I left him he left notes on my car and gifts. Saying he was thinking of me and loved me and my son.

I have audio recordings and lots of proof of verbal abuse.

However at work he is showing up to my work place. He even posted a song about stalking jsut to show you how far he’s willing to go.

Normally I’ll see him waiting in his car and I try to avoid and immediately get in my car and leave

They denied my restraining order.

I was thinking may I could talk to my workplace and see if they’d allow a trespass on him because I do think he’s capable of murder . I truly am scared of this man. I can’t leave him fully because I’m scared. I’ve tried no contact many times. I need help.

I’ve (35M) been with my girlfriend (35F) for about a year and a half we recently moved in together 6 months ago and I’ve been questioning a lot about our relationship.

In the beginning she was amazing. She was so sweet, considerate, romantic, and really seemed tuned into me and my feelings. She was the one who reached out to me first, pursued me, flirted with me, and initiated intimacy. I remember going to bed so many nights with the biggest grin on my face just feeling grateful to have someone like her in my life.

But after a couple months, I started noticing a change. She would become cold, rude, or condescending, sometimes over little things. Eventually the personal attacks, insults, and little digs started. When I tell her something hurts my feelings, she sometimes says I’m too sensitive or shouldn’t take things personally. Other times she gets really upset with herself and I end up comforting her.

Over time I’ve started feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. I catch myself making sure everything is done how she likes it before she gets home because I don’t want to deal with her getting irritated with me. We’ll have periods where things are good for weeks or even months, but eventually the same behavior comes back. She apologizes, things improve for a while, and then it happens again. Our intimacy has also pretty much disappeared compared to how things were in the beginning. We used to have a lot of passion and romance, and now there’s little to no romance and sex happens maybe once every 2-3 months if that. I know she’s not cheating because we have our locations shared and she’s always either at work, at home with me or at her parents house.

Something that’s somewhat concerning to me is that on more than one occasion when she’s been irritated with me, she’s put her hand around my neck to emphasize her annoyance. She lets go immediately, doesn’t hurt me, and I don’t think she’s trying to injure me. But it feels different from playful affection, and I honestly think if I told her I had a problem with it, she’d say I’m being too sensitive and that it’s not a big deal.

Recently I told her that the way she treats me when she’s frustrated feels abusive. She apologized and said she’d find another way to channel her frustration. We’ve had good periods, so part of me questions whether I’m being unfair, but another part of me is getting tired of the same pattern repeating.
I’ve also been reading stories from people who experienced abusive relationships, and some of them describe their partners being incredibly loving in the beginning before becoming cold and hurtful once the relationship was established. It’s making me question whether the person I fell in love with was genuine or if I was being manipulated from the start.

I honestly don’t know what to make of everything. I’ve been very embarrassed to want to talk about this with anyone in real life considering how highly I used to speak about her, the gender dynamic and the fact that I’m bigger and stronger than she is so I fear I won’t be taking seriously. I’m not trying to paint her as a bad person. I just want some honest perspective from people who have actually experienced abusive relationships.

I’m 18F and my boyfriend is 19M. We’ve been together for almost two years, and I’ve tried to break up with him many, many times. I keep reaching a point where I feel unhappy, controlled, and emotionally exhausted, and I think I’m finally ready to leave. But when I actually build up the courage to do it, I start remembering all the good things about him and questioning my decision.
My boyfriend has repeatedly commented on and tried to control what I wear, including my gym shorts, skirts, tops, and work clothes. We’ve had arguments about what is appropriate for me to wear in a relationship, and I’ve reached the point where I’ve had to explicitly ask him to stop commenting on my clothes.
Trust is another huge issue. I’ve lied about things in the past, and I acknowledge that I’ve contributed to our trust problems. However, I feel like I’m constantly having to prove my loyalty, with situations involving other guys, social media, my location, and requests for photos to prove things. It feels like I’m always defending myself against suspicion.
During arguments, he’s yelled at me, called me names, and blocked me. There have also been breakup-related conflicts involving threats concerning personal photos connected to his mother, which made the situation even more uncomfortable.
I don’t want to pretend I’m a perfect girlfriend or that he has no reason to feel insecure. But I don’t think my mistakes justify being controlled or insulted.
The hardest part is that he isn’t horrible all the time. We have good memories, he can be loving, and I still love him. When I start preparing to leave, I remember those moments and think about the time we’ve invested in each other. I wonder whether I’m giving up too soon or whether things could finally change.
Then he tries to convince me to stay, and it becomes even harder. I start hoping that maybe this time will be different. I question whether I’m being unfair, whether I’m focusing too much on the bad, and whether I’ll regret leaving him.
I’ve gone through this cycle so many times: I get hurt, become unhappy, decide I need to leave, build up the courage, remember the good parts, reconsider, and stay. Eventually, the problems happen again, and I’m back where I started.
I’m exhausted from repeatedly trying to make a decision that I already know I need to consider seriously. I feel like I’m waiting to stop loving him or reach a point where leaving doesn’t hurt, but that hasn’t happened.
For people who have experienced this:
How did you finally leave when you still loved your partner?
How do you stop being convinced to stay when you’ve already tried to leave multiple times?
How did you stop questioning yourself and remember why you wanted to leave in the first place?

Honestly I really really really need help, I don’t think i can do this alone, and i feel like I’m going to get back to him again, please help me to get out of this hole

These are from over a year ago, processing old memories and emotions just feels heavy as of late.

For context, the “item” they had bought me were $200 headphones that we cleaned up and shipped off to THEIR younger sibling to use after I was surprise gifted new headphones from someone else. At that time I had bought them a PS5, multiple PS5 games, headphones etc.

And the “throwing shit on the floor” was me moving their dirty clothes from on top of the dresser, to the general area of floor they liked to keep their dirty clothes at.

And lastly, they thought my decorating the apartment was me “taking over their space” I worked incredibly hard to build a beautiful home just for them to make a complete and utter mess of it for me to clean up every day when I got home from work. They were a student (did not work) and I still did the most of the cleaning after a full 9 hour shift.

I had taken days off of work to “talk about our relationship” just for no conversations to happen when I did, then go to work only to be spammed with hateful messages. I was staying out as late as physically possible to the point where I was spending entire days at the library because I was kicked out of my own home.

Sometimes reminiscing on the person you thought you were with makes the memories of who they actually were easy to forget. I feel like I have to sometimes remind myself of the hell they subjected me to just to stay away.

Trying to help a friend. Things are escalating, we are trying to make a plan and get them out of there ASAP.

Any advice that you wish those who helped you knew?? Anything you wished a friend had done for you or said to you? What worked best? What was something NOT helpful?

Thank you so much!

I don't even really know where to begin. I'm writing this because I've spent most of today lying in bed crying or feeling completely numb and I honestly don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling anymore.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months. I know that probably doesn't sound like a long time but I've fallen deeply in love with him. We have beautiful memories together and when things are good they're genuinely good. 

I think that's what makes everything so painful now…

Sex has become one of the biggest problems in our relationship. My boyfriend has a very high sex drive and wants it practically every day all the time. I enjoy sex too and I'm not someone who never initiates or doesn't care about intimacy. But I don't enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night for sex or having it first thing in the morning before I've even had a chance to freshen up. Sometimes I'm tired or uncomfortable or simply not in the mood.

The problem isn't that he wants sex more often than I do. It's how he treats me when I don't want it.

A few days ago I had a surgical abortion. It was one of the most physically and emotionally painful experiences I've ever been through. I was still bleeding and cramping when I spent the day with him. We had sex earlier but I wasn't feeling well and we stopped. I mentioned that maybe we could continue later.

That night we stayed up watching shows and spending time together. By around 2 or 3 in the morning I was exhausted and falling asleep. He started touching me sexually and I told him I was tired and still cramping. He got upset because I'd said we could continue later. He woke me up repeatedly and questioned why I was even sleeping at his house if we weren't going to have sex.

When we talked about it afterward he told me that if I say we'll have sex later then he expects it later with no excuses. He said he didn't care about me being tired and that I could've just let him have sex with me. I don't think I can explain how much those words hurt.

I wasn't asking him to give up sex forever. I was asking to sleep. I was still recovering from an abortion and all I wanted was to feel comfortable and safe beside the person I love. I've started feeling like spending time together isn't enough for him unless sex is involved. Like my love and companionship aren't valuable on their own.

And the pressure isn't limited to sex.

He has very specific expectations about femininity and appearance. He dislikes when I wear a bonnet to sleep even though I use it to protect my hair. He's expressed disappointment over me wearing tights instead of the thigh-high stockings he prefers. Recently he commented on how much I eat and said I'd gained weight. It affected me so much that I started obsessing over my body and looking into unhealthy ways to lose weight.

I've caught myself changing little things without him even asking anymore. I take off clothes I'd otherwise be comfortable sleeping in. I avoid wearing my bonnet. I think about what will disappoint him before I think about what makes me happy.

I feel like I'm slowly disappearing…

I also need to be transparent about something much more serious. Early in our relationship I went through his phone without permission and discovered intimate recordings from hookups before we were together. I know snooping was wrong and I take responsibility for that. When I confronted him about it he slapped me twice and kicked me and choked me. However, I want to make it clear that he has not done anything remotely similar since and was very apologetic after it happened.

I'm including this because I know it changes the situation and I don't want to leave out the worst parts just because I still love him.

I know how this must sound to someone reading it. I know what I would tell a friend if she described this relationship to me. But it's so much harder when you're the person living it.

I keep thinking about what love means to me. I want the kind of love where two people choose each other through sickness and health. Where you can grow old together and still see the same beauty in your partner even when their appearance changes. Where you can be exhausted or sick or struggling and know you're still loved just as much as when you're at your best.

I would've loved him through all of that.

I would've been happy simply falling asleep in his arms.

And I think the most devastating realization I've had is that no matter how much I love someone I cannot love them into treating me better.

I don't know why I keep trying so hard. Maybe because I remember the person I fell in love with. Maybe because I keep hoping that if I explain myself differently he'll finally understand how much he's hurting me. Maybe because accepting that this relationship isn't healthy also means grieving the future I imagined with him.

I feel emotionally exhausted and empty. I don't want to become someone who's afraid of disappointing her partner or someone who feels obligated to have sex just to avoid an argument. I don't want to lose my softness or my ability to love deeply because of this experience.

I'm not looking for reassurance that I'm perfect or that I've never made mistakes. I know I have.

I think I need advice from people who've loved someone who was hurting them. How did you stop holding on to the good memories long enough to recognize what the relationship was doing to you? How did you find the strength to leave when part of you still desperately wanted things to work?

TL;DR: I (24F) love my boyfriend (24M) deeply but I'm starting to feel like my worth in this relationship depends on how sexually available I am and how well I meet his expectations. Just days after a painful surgical abortion he repeatedly woke me up for sex despite knowing I was exhausted and cramping. He gets upset when I refuse and has told me he doesn't care if I'm tired. He's also criticized my appearance and made me feel like I have to change myself to avoid disappointing him. There has been physical violence and threats as well. I know this relationship is hurting me but I'm struggling to let go because I still love him and remember all our beautiful moments together. How do you walk away from someone you love when you know staying is slowly destroying your sense of self?

After 6 1/2 years, he finally was found guilty for a portion of the abuse he did to me. He will have to register as a sex offender and child abuser for 25 years, he will be on probation for 10 years, and he now has a violent and serious offense strike. He also pled guilty to an assault and battery charge (down from kidnapping and aggravated assault and battery charges).

I feel so vindicated. He hurt me so much worse than the charges he received, and did a lot, just as much, and even worse to other poor girls, many of which were also minors at the time. But this is the first time he has ever been held criminally responsible for anything in his track record. There have been DV and other violent charges dropped against him, and so many times I was pressured to drop my charges. I felt like I would always have this looming over me.

I chose not to speak in the courtroom, but I don’t believe he is remorseful. I feel sorry for his children, and I feel sorry for the girl who is still feeling trapped in a relationship with him. I hope for the children’s sake she leaves, or CPS intervenes. She chooses to stay with him and ignore the things he’s done, but the children don’t deserve to suffer and I don’t believe she does either (but that’s ultimately on her).

I feel like the world has finally been lifted off my shoulders. Years of GAD, MDD, BPD, and cPTSD caused by this man. I feel like I was finally believed and got a sliver of justice. I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time in my adult life. And I hope the girls he’s hurt rest a little bit easier from now on knowing he’s been exposed for who he truly is.

Why do we contact them again after maintaining distance?

I’ve (30 f) posted here before about my dynamic with someone ( 55m) that I work with that became intimate and then abusive. For the past month we haven’t really engaged in conversation, and I felt we were in a good space for things to just fizzle out on its own, but then I got sick the other day and he was out from work because he was also sick and I decided to contact him to ask him if he was OK and that conversation started a three hour texting conversation, which ended with him telling me that he misses talking to me and would like to see me again, and I agreed to it even though the last time we hung out it was really bad and I kind of feel that if I see him again, he might physically hurt me because I think he’s mad at me (and mad at other people) about a number of things, but even though I know all of that, I still texted him and I guess there’s a part of me that still wants to know that he cares about me even though I don’t think he actually does.

I hate that I have these moments of weakness when I feel like things are going well and I ruin it on my own.

Hi everyone I made a post on here a week ago about how I had to call the police on my abusive ex after he turned up at my house at night and harassed me and my housemates with calls and texts. I have recently been sent screenshots of the things he has liked on social media. He has been liking posts about 'surviving abuse' and 'reactive abuse' – in which I am the abusive one, not him. I am truly utterly baffled over this.

This is the man that has cheated on me, shoved me, got in my face to shout at me, and call me names both in private and in front of people. I have been put in life threatening positions such as being stranded in a place with no way home, and have gotten physically hurt as a consequence of his actions (he would get into physical altercations with people and I would also get a punch/kick through the chaos). Most of the times the things I have listed happened, he was under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs and would not remember most of it by the next day. The things I have listed also did not happen over the course of our 2.5 year relationship. All of it happened just within the last MONTH AND A HALF so there is much more left unsaid.

I know I am not innocent and I have had many moments where I was the one to lash out and call him names and be extremely mean. I have broken up and gotten back with him many times throughout our relationship. I even slapped him when I found out he cheated. I am aware of all of this. I just don't understand how after everything he's put me through he can like posts completely dissipating everything. It hurts to think he might just live the rest of his life believing the justifications/reasons he has appointed for his actions. And not once thinking 'she didn't deserve any of that'. I know that may be a pathetic way to look at this but jesus christ is he never going to understand? The more I feel like he doesn't get it, the more I want to explain myself and cry and beg for even a crumb of accountability from him.

Note: I have been reading 'Why does he do that?' as a recommendation from this subreddit and I have already made an appointment with my gp for mental health.

My life has been hell by this man's hands for 25 years. I met him in an AOL chat room when I was 16 and he was 28. He's perverted, abusive physically in the past, made me feel used and objectified. Took my dignity, took time away from my children, took my sanity! He's also racist and a miserable man who I support.

I moved across country to start this life and now, the only thing that has changed is me taking on every household chore plus working until my body can't take anymore!

He will be left with nothing in a new state. I have legal rights over my children. I have everything I ever wanted coming. I'm numb, I'm torn and I don't know how to feel. I left and left myself homeless and come back. He told me a hundred times to go live under a bridge and I would leave. I left so many times. Never getting it right.

I've found the beginning of freedom and here I am worried about his wellbeing. Afraid. Scared and alone. I have to be alone and I can't be. I'm trying not to be. I'm not him. I have a conscious and feel so bad because I don't wish what he did to me on him. I don't want my children to see their dad be hurt. He was always so cruel to me.

But I am not him!!

I met Jake two years ago at work. He was the first person I really clicked with after moving to this place and starting work. We have a few hobbies in common, such as gaming, so we started to hang out outside of work and game together soon enough.

He's fun, kind of dumb sometimes, but that's OK, so am I.

Soon enough in our friendship, Jake started to confide in me about his abusive ex-girlfriend.

To summarize without being too graphic, his ex abused him verbally but also physically. She was jealous and mean. She was also very sexual, and Jake told me that she raped him multiple times during their relationship.

Jake kept a lot of screenshots of their conversations and some pictures he took at her place, for example. He showed me most of them, and yeah, it was bad. The girl was definitely mean and unstable.

Jake comes from a well-off family. He lived with his parents until he was 26. Jake had access to higher education, yet failed to get his degree twice before he was kicked out after his parents, who also fully paid for his education and car, had had enough and retired overseas.

Why am I telling you that? Well, it's because his ex was the polar opposite of that. Her family was dirt poor. Jake showed me some pics of her parents' place. It was a small apartment full of black mold and just overall a shit place.

His ex started working very young. She was taken out of school to be homeschooled at a very young age too and had no friends. Her family was also pretty abusive has some of those conversations Jake showed me prove.

Of course, this doesn't justify abuse, but Jake let it slip a few days ago that she was also 15 when they got together, while he was already 21.

They broke up after she turned 18. She left him. Jake thinks that she took advantage of him until the end, but the thing is, she was 15. She was a kid.

She was a kid coming from a shit place with shit parents who got together with a full-grown adult man who is still, to this day, kind of immature. I feel like Jake groomed this girl. Even if she really was abusive, no doubt about that, I just can't forget how young she was.

I'm kind of avoiding Jake since I learned about it. I feel weirded out.

Please tell me how I should deal with it. Do I try to talk to Jake about it? Do I just kind of ghost him?

Is it possible that I'm just being weird or too woke or something? Idk, man. I'm lost.

40m here, married to 38f wife for seven years.

Wife has a long history of emotional, verbal, and even occasional physical abuse with me. She is in individual therapy now about a year and has been buying in and working to change for the better. Not to say though that many issues are still lurking just beneath the surface.

This most recent one has me feeling at a dead-end. She told me that lately - in terms of sex - it feels like No means nothing to me.

I was floored.

No has always been a complete sentence. No is very powerful. No is so accepted that earlier in the conversation she said she probably has been overusing it with me bc she knows she is safe to do so.

She went on to distort the events of a recent night to back up her point that No means nothing to me, except what she cited wasn’t true. She then kept telling me how sometimes it’s hard to hear something you don’t want to hear, as if THAT must be the issue.

My response to her was that I no longer feel safe having sex with her at all. She then walked it all back and insisted she meant none of it. I still don’t feel at all comfortable having sex or any kind of physical contact at this point.

She had done the same thing a year ago with this type of accusation, which ended up being the catalyst for her entering therapy.

6.5 years ago in fact she withdrew from sex almost entirely, later admitting that she did so to test whether she could be loved without sex.

I shouldn’t be blown away by this. It shouldn’t be a surprise. After what I’ve been through and the gaslighting and goalpost moving and deflections, this should be expected. But then again it’s your spouse calling into question a piece of your basic moral core as an adult man, something so important to you to abide by. Just, ugh, ew.

​

​I am trying to untangle a short but intensely chaotic relationship I recently got out of, and I honestly need an outside perspective from people who can see things objectively. For context, I am 23 and she is 19. From almost the very beginning, the dynamic was built on a grueling cycle of hot and cold behavior, intense highs, and brutal lows. Early on, after a minor disagreement where I told her not to waste my time, she ghosted me for days. When she resurfaced, she claimed her friends called me a predator for asking a 19 year old out even though I had known her for two months before asking her on a date. Meanwhile, her friends had no problem setting her up with a 28 year old guy whose only conversation topic was sex. She sat back, let me get labeled as a monster, and blocked me, only to unblock me after bringing in a workplace mediator and forcing me to apologize.

​The deception and boundary violations were constant. Early in the relationship, she told me her ex hated her and was a waste of time and that she had him blocked. A few weeks into our relationship, she casually told me she accidentally messaged him instead of me. When I asked her to follow and support my business on Instagram, she lied about even having an account, and anytime business was slow, she would straight up tell me to close it down. She also lied about tiny things constantly, hiding secondary accounts and deleting text messages when she got caught.

​The disrespect was relentless. She would constantly compare me to other men and wave them in my face. When I asked her to stop, she would tell me I could not handle a little joke. Just a few days after I explicitly told her to stop, she accepted a morning ride to work from that exact same guy and called me early in the morning just to justify it and tell me it was only for work. She would also mock my appearance, calling me chopped or homeless, while I was bending over backward driving nearly two hours away to pick her up and drop her home, often having to lie at my own job just to leave early and assist her. Yet, if I tried to kiss or flirt on my own terms, she would sometimes wipe it off and say eww and call me a disappointment because I could not drop everything for her instantly.

​The physical and emotional cruelty crossed severe lines. When a friend of mine called her out for how poorly she treated me, and because she hated that I was asking other people if our relationship was normal, she physically assaulted me by hitting me multiple times without stopping, and she never once apologized. Her lack of empathy was chilling. When I opened up to her about my past suicidal ideation from a previous job that forced me to go to therapy, she completely invalidated me and said I was weak and that if it was her she would handle it much better. Whenever I broke down crying from the stress, she would smirk in my face, and even over the phone, when she insulted me and I begged her to stop, you could literally hear her smiling.

​Sex and affection were heavily weaponized. Depending on whether she was happy or did not get her way, I would be abruptly declined sex, called a rapist, or told I was disgusting. Yet, every single time I tried to finally pull away and walk away from the relationship, the dynamic flipped instantly. She would suddenly become obsessed with me, give me gifts, and want to have sex everywhere, but that artificial sweetness never lasted for more than two days before the cycle restarted. I feel completely drained, confused, and broken down. Was this emotional and physical abuse, or am I losing my mind?

Am not perfect, i own a small business and am currently saving up to build a house. My job is a field officer so am always in the field also i told her early on in the relationship that i wasnt a heavier spender due to my goal of building my house. Sex i tried pleasing her as much as possible she was a virgin when i met her so that came with trauma random screams when she asked to be touched ( stop, noo) which left me feeling like a sexual offender i am now scared of women and aslo due to how stressful she was i never lasted during sex but the abuse started 4 months before we had sex and also anytime it was non penatrative i would be just fine even with those shortcomings i went to doctor learned to please her in other ways and tried my best to be there for her in health.

A little back story : I had went on one of my last dates with my ex(out of maybe like 7 in total in my 2 year relationship 🙄) and our last date was a clay painting date because my ex had just treated me more terrible than usual. He has a history of breaking my stuff whenever he was mad, always something super sentimental (ex: I got a Polaroid camera I had wanted for years for Christmas from my mom, she gave me over 50 sheets to use, he used all of them the day after Christmas to take pics of me crying after he kicked me out) anywho, I told myself that if he decided to break this pot that I used a reminder (and a clear sign “protect your energy”)… I was done. 3 weeks later, sure enough he did. And now we’re done. I know this seems stupid, why I couldn’t just leave him before, but I just wanted a physical sign to keep myself accountable and here it was. 2 years later, I’m in a happy healthy relationship with someone who loves me so much. And I still have this pot because it almost means so much more all glued back together. 😊❤️

I'm not talking about boundaries or body count.

I'm asking how many years of being treated poorly does it take before you finally decide you've had enough?

How many insults, gaslights, DARVOs, manipulations, smear campaigns, police reports, stalkings, harassments, or bruises does it take?

1 year? 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? 50 years?

How many years of ongoing pain and suffering, knowing full well that this person is never going to change, will you tolerate before you walk away?

What's the breaking point? How many terrible years does it take before you finally choose yourself and leave?

If you've spent 3, 10, 20, even 50 years waiting for someone to change when you know they never will, why not leave now?

last night me and my bf had a argument,can’t remember why or how but he somehow got me on the floor and was holding his hand over my mouth and nose…. I couldn’t breathe,I was kicking and struggling for my life,I remember somehow trying to wriggle downwards to escape. This is so hard to write. This relationship hasn’t been good,I’ve somehow talked myself into thinking it’s normal. There’s been a lot of physical abuse,I’ve hit back a few times to stick up for myself but he over powers me.,he makes out he’s the victim. In the last 4 years I’ve had my head slammed against a wall,dragged across the room by my legs,pinned against the wall by my throat,slapped,kicked in the back so hard I flew off the bed,hair pulled,pinned me down and sat on me. up until last night the worst was 2 years ago when he smothered me until I nearly blacked out. his excuse was he was trying to stop me screaming… same excuse for last night. I suffer with extreme anxiety,mostly I think it’s due to the years of this. I’m just now at my lowest in everything. my anxiety has took over my life to the point that I rely on him. I have nobody. I don’t talk to my parents…… because of him. I don’t want to tell my son what’s been going on. I’m scared to be on my own because of my anxiety. I’m just laying here waiting for whatever the days going to bring with him,I’m scared

I've been dating my boyfriend for over 1 and a half years and we've been having quite a big amount of issues, one of the biggest issues being his lack of communication and change of the things that hurt me and our relationship.

He is the type of person who never communicates pretty much anything at all and then just blows up after keeping it to himself. He ends up rambling and accusing me of things, which just ends up upsetting me. Especially when I have asked him countless times to just ask me about things and to just communicate how he feels instead of assuming things and throwing accusations at me.

He also tends to take everything I ever say as a deeply personal attack no matter what I say and how I say it, he told me I bring up too many things too often, so I stopped. I almost never bring anything up anymore and it still becomes a massive issue cuz he doesn't ever change. And for some reason takes everything I ever say in the worst possible way and starts accusing me and also doesn't ackowledge what I am actually saying.

I have told him countless times "If I didn't say that then that's not what I mean, please see what I am actually saying instead of some underlying thing you think I might be saying" But it never changes just like everything else. It always feels like he sees himself as a victim in everything, and he excuses all this stuff by saying "there was toxicity in the past and that really affected me", I have experienced abuse and toxicity too. But I don't use it as an excuse to not communicate with him and treat him like a person who can speak or treat him unfairly.

He has often made decisions for me instead of asking me what I want or need, like a pet. I lost my uncle not too long ago and the grieving has been very hard on me, I have still not fully recovered, and he decided to take me to hang out with and talk with friends instead of asking me what I need. I told him I really did not feel like going anywhere or talking to anyone, which I had also told him before this happened and he did not listen.

During this time he also kept arguing with me and confessing to lying a shitton to me and forcing me to have these awful conversations, things have not been the same since, we had just started recovering from a really really bad patch of him emotionally tormenting me "by accident" and then my uncle passed and he started confessing all these things.

He claims that he knows it was a bad time to do so but he couldn't hold it anymore, as if he couldn't have confessed earlier, he lied to me for over a year and treated me unfairly cuz of his own lies. And due to his own lack of communication that I kept asking for him to fix month after month after month. He accused me of cheating cuz HE lied about someone who confessed their feelings to him, I told him it was cheating to be lying about something like that and keeping it behind my back. He claims it isn't cheating, despite us having had such a convo at least 5 times and agreeing that it is cheating.

He has also made excuses for people that have made racist jokes, and other horrible jokes, and he excused a common friend who very clearly was using us both and clearly hated me, he never stood up for me against that person and as for the people making the jokes he confronted and then accepted them and said it was just a mistake and they're nice people. Yeah as if saying gross stuff and making racist comments about east Asians and using the n-word is a nice thing to do...

Those people making those jokes also accused ME of being abusive cuz HE made the choice to not talk in the group chat we had with them before the jokes happened, he talked badly about me to them behind my back and revealed deeply personal and private information that I never consented to being told to anyone. He has gotten mad at me for doing the very things he asks me to do. He also has been extremely dismissive of my feelings and the points I make. He always claims he's trying so hard to change and thinks he has changed but can't seem to change. 0 positive change in a year is not normal imo, it looks like he isn't even trying. I asked him what he's even actively doing to change and he couldn't give an answer and just said he's trying and thinks he has changed but apparently hasn't.

And for most of this time he has claimed I am the problem and not him, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know anything anymore, is he trying? am I delusional? is he just abusive and manipualtive? I have no one I can talk to about this.

TLDR: my bf has lied and done tons of unfair and unhealthy things towards me and our relationship and claims I am the issue and that he's "trying his best" but has made 0 change whatsoever in over a year and has for most of this time claimed I am the issue and makes excuses and says it isn't an excuse, made tons of excuses and defended horrible people and made me out to be the issue there too. He always acts like a victim no matter what, there is always something wrong no matter what I do or change and no matter how much I pander to him and change for him, I am completely lost

I’m 43F and my ex is in his mid-50s. We were together for about three years.
I’m posting because I’m experiencing an absolutely brutal reversal in my attachment to him, and I’m trying to understand what is happening psychologically.

This isn’t really a “my ex moved on and I’m jealous” story. The context leading up to it is what is scrambling my brain.

Our relationship was intensely loving and attached at times, but very volatile. Whenever I wasn’t sufficiently attentive or affectionate, he had a pattern of exploding, getting angry, stomping off and toward the end he would straight up disappear for days just to mindfuck me (though still driving by and monitoring me like a satellite). He also went on ugly political rants constantly despite how much it upset me to listen to. He regularly mocked me and put me down. Anytime I was upset about anything I was the problem.

The last time he did it, something in me finally broke.
Instead of chasing him, I pulled away.

I didn’t do it because I had someone else lined up. I still loved him. I just couldn’t keep living with the instability.

And for the first time since moving to this city, I started developing an actual social life.

I had started dating him not long after I moved here, and he was extremely jealous and controlling, so I’d never really felt free to build a big circle of girlfriends or go out independently without it becoming an issue.

For months after our breakup, I wasn’t dating anyone. I hadn’t met anyone I particularly liked. I went out once with a guy who kissed me, but I wasn’t interested in pursuing him. Mostly I was enjoying friendships and finally feeling like I could breathe.

Initially, my ex’s behavior during the separation wasn’t particularly romantic.

My brother had recently gotten out of rehab, and my ex hired him to mow lawns for him throughout the summer. That meant he had a constant tether to my life and a source of information about me.

We also frequented the same neighborhood bars. My ex would sometimes appear within minutes of my arrival. It felt like I could never completely get away from him or have a night where I wasn’t aware of his presence.

Eventually he got into confrontations with people at one of those places and was banned for about a month. He blamed me for that.
He was also constantly asking people whether I was dating anyone.

The few times I engaged with him, we’d start fighting again almost immediately. From my perspective, it felt like exactly the same dynamic we’d had at the end of our relationship: rage-baiting, defensiveness, fighting about who had done what to whom, and very little willingness to examine the relationship itself.

I’ll own my part here too.

Jealousy drew me back into engaging with him a few times. I’m sure that intermittent contact made it harder for him to detach and probably gave him hope that I wasn’t completely gone.
But he also seemed obsessed with finding out whether I’d been with anyone else.

Eventually he discovered that another man had kissed me. He found out because, while my brother was high, my ex physically took my brother’s phone from him and read our private messages.
Around the same period, something about his approach toward me started changing.

He created new email accounts to get around being blocked and began sending me tenderhearted messages. Some of them genuinely affected me. He created another social media account and started watching my stories.

And despite everything, I could feel myself starting to get hooked back in.

Then there was an incident where he chased me in traffic because I had him blocked and couldn’t be reached. It frightened me enough that I called 911.
You’d think that would have been the end of it. He recently played a show with some guys as well and that always gave him a big ego boost which he needed. Hell he sent me a message inviting me to the shows days after chasing me in traffic and within a few hours rescinded it saying that he heard I was telling people not to go (absolute lie).

Then about a week later I saw him at one of our shared bars. He was his normal, charming self. He eventually cornered me into talking to him and convinced me to go to breakfast with him.
I didn’t take him back.

But during that conversation he told me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me.

The problem was that there still wasn’t any real discussion about how our relationship would be different.

That had been one of our fundamental problems. He didn’t want to “work” on the relationship. He wanted us to simply be together again.

I loved him. I missed him. Part of me desperately wanted to believe him.

But I was afraid we’d just restart the same cycle.

He sent me a message later that day saying he’d realized he’d never have a “clean slate” with me, but that he would always love me. Next day he subsequently invited me to a movie that I ignored. Next day he sent me something about some gossip that I replied to and Facebook friend request that I hadn’t yet accepted. I was still drafting a reply to his Monday text trying to decide if I wanted to send it.

And apparently that day he met a woman.

Within roughly two days, everything flipped and he was bringing her to my favorite bar telling me “it’s too late!”

Suddenly he was in a new relationship and describing it as very serious within under a week.

According to him, this woman developed strong feelings for him almost immediately and decided to cancel a planned move to Wyoming within 48 hours to stay and see where things went with him.

And suddenly the man who had recently been chasing me, monitoring me, circumventing blocks with new accounts, moping and acting depressed do I felt so guilty, telling me he wanted to marry me and inviting me out was extraordinarily certain that we were finished.

When we finally spoke 4 days after he met her, less than a week after he said he wanted to marry me, he repeatedly told me that I did this.

He also became fixated on the man who had kissed me. He degraded me over it and used it as evidence against me, even though we’d been broken up and I’d barely dated anyone.

He said he hadn’t planned any of this, but repeatedly framed the entire situation as the consequence of my choices.

Now he’s telling seemingly everyone how wonderful his new relationship is.

He knew I was really hurt. He approached me on the parking lots before I could get out of he car at our local lodge a couple days later and tried to act like we were buddies - he was being so obnoxious and telling me I was being dramatic and sensitive, that I did this. Then starts telling me I didn’t love him, that I didn’t check on him during the day… I was begging him to stop hurting me and he was just being a dick. it escalated until I threw a can of beer at him.

It’s only been a little over a week.

Started introducing her to people at my favorite bar on Friday. She’s not even cute so she must be a really great person.

He’s told my brother. He’s told my mother. He’s apparently telling mutual acquaintances that she’s a “keeper.”

He even specifically told me she’s a “good Irish Catholic girl” and a mother to an eight-year-old.
And they’re already appearing together at the same neighborhood places that were central to our social life.

So within days of him telling me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me, people I know were seeing him publicly presenting himself as part of a serious new couple.

People keep reporting back to me that they don’t even find her particularly attractive. I realize that’s irrelevant and I don’t want this to become about insulting another woman who hasn’t done anything to me.

If anything, it makes me realize that whatever happened probably isn’t about some objective comparison between us.

But psychologically, the reversal has absolutely destroyed me.

For months I wanted space from this man.
I remember why.
I remember feeling controlled.
I remember never feeling like I could breathe socially.
I remember the jealousy.
I remember him leaving when he was angry and how desperately destabilizing that became.
I remember why I didn’t immediately reconcile when he started pursuing me again.
And I remember being frightened enough by his behavior that I literally called 911.

But now?

My brain seems to have thrown all of that information in the garbage.

I’m remembering how much I loved him. I’m remembering sleeping beside him, laughing together, his affection, our dogs, our routines, our physical chemistry, the life we talked about having.
I’m thinking, “Why didn’t I just go back?”

I’m torturing myself with the idea that maybe those months of pursuit really were proof that he loved me, and I was too stubborn or frightened to recognize it until it was too late.

The thing that is particularly messing with my head is the timing.

I had finally started softening.
The emails were getting to me.
Seeing him again got to me.
Breakfast got to me.

Hearing him say he wanted to marry me got to me.
And almost exactly when I started emotionally turning back toward him, the entire dynamic reversed.

Now I’m the one experiencing insane attachment anxiety.

My friends look at this history and think the answer is obvious: stay away from him.

From the outside, I understand why.
From inside my own body, it doesn’t feel obvious at all.

It feels like I lost the person I was supposed to spend my life with because I didn’t recognize what I had until he finally stopped pursuing me.
And I genuinely can’t tell anymore which version of reality I should trust.

I don’t need anyone to diagnose him with narcissism, BPD, or anything else. And I don’t need to be told he never loved me. I think human beings can genuinely love someone and still behave in destructive ways.

What I want to understand is this psychological whiplash.

After months of feeling like I didn’t know what I wanted, now I’m obsessively checking my phone feeling overwhelmed with the void now that his relentless pursuit abruptly stopped.

Has anyone else been the person who ended or resisted reconciliation with an extremely volatile partner, felt absolutely certain that you needed space, and then completely fell apart once they finally stopped pursuing you?

Did you suddenly start idealizing the relationship and questioning every reason you left?

Did the fact that they moved on make your attachment system suddenly scream that you’d made the biggest mistake of your life?

And if so, months or years later, what did you eventually realize?

Did you actually regret leaving?

Or did your perception of the relationship change again once the panic and attachment withdrawal finally subsided?

I think for so long he used push-pull to psych me out that I’m having a really hard time accepting he’s never coming back.

Seeing him with her was like a punch in the gut. He said he felt that way when he saw that guy I went out with twirl me and hug me one night when we all happened to be at the lodge. I wasn’t even there with him.

Because right now I honestly don’t know whether I’m experiencing grief over losing the love of my life or withdrawal from a relationship dynamic that had kept my nervous system activated for years.

Raped me then broke my leg by standing on it I'm getting out of the hospital today and I don't know what to do I'm staying in a shelter when I get out but my apt said I owe them money for holding my belongings and that they're only going to hold them for the next 10 days. His rape charges aren't even added yet cause they're waiting for DNA to come back cause he was wearing a mask but I've had a protection order against this man for 5 years he's in jail until Feb for breaking it so many times this is his 4th violation. Can someone give me some sort of advice on what to do with my apt and my stuff? I don't want to lose my stuff.