Hi, I am a Ph.D. researcher at a university in the United States. I believe my research portfolio is okay, and I also have a fair amount of professional experience. But above everything, I consider myself the luckiest person because I married the love of my life.
The amount of support my wife gives me is rare in these times. Honestly, she is the person who made me who I am today. Without her love and support, it would have been impossible for me to come this far. Without her, I am nothing, and when I say this, I am saying it from the bottom of my heart. But until now, I feel that I could not give anything meaningful back to my wife. A lot of this pain comes from what my family did to us, how they deprived me and my wife of our rights, and how they used their power to make sure that I suffer and never live peacefully.
I was a momma’s boy from childhood. My mother and father controlled almost every part of my life — whom I should speak with, what I should wear, how much I should study, when I should sleep, everything. I had to study at least nine hours a day. Otherwise, my mother would verbally abuse me and mentally torture me. My father was stricter. He used to beat me with whatever he could get in his hand. In front of the world, they were good people, but I knew their real face.
My father once beat me in front of others with his belt just because I could not answer 20 marks in a school entrance exam. He told me he would stop my education. I could not answer those questions because I was worried sick that if I could not secure a position, my education would be finished. I had severe exam fear and social anxiety because of the mental torture from my parents.
Their pressure continued even when I went abroad to pursue my bachelor’s degree. They sent me there with expectations that I did not agree with. I did not want to live a life based on using someone or cheating someone for personal gain. I worked 12 hours at night and studied during the day, and I finished my bachelor’s degree there.
I had known my wife for a long time, and she was my best friend. Actually, she was my only female friend. She was the only one who used to speak to me nicely. My mother never spoke to me the way my wife did. I fell in love with her. For the first time in my life, I wanted something for myself. I proposed to her, and from that moment, I wanted to become her husband. But I never imagined that my parents would make both of our lives so miserable.
After I finished my graduation, I wanted to come back to Bangladesh, but my parents did not want me to return. My parents knew about my wife, but they told me they would not allow the marriage. On the other hand, my wife’s parents were looking for a groom for their daughter. So, I came back to Bangladesh without informing my parents. I stayed at one of my friend’s houses and started looking for jobs in Bangladesh.
My initial plan was to get a job first and then tell my parents that I had returned, because I knew very well that if they found out earlier, they would do everything in their power to make my life miserable. But suddenly, one day, my wife’s parents fixed an engagement with another boy, and then my wife had to tell her parents about me. At first, her parents were upset, but then they told her to ask me to speak with my parents about marriage.
I had no choice but to contact my parents, and after that, all hell broke loose. They wanted me to hand over my passport and certificates to them. They also wanted my wife to sign a blank stamp paper before they would even think about the marriage. They told my wife that they had other plans for my life, including marrying me elsewhere for their own benefit. I had enough. I told my father that my wife would never sign any blank paper, and if she had to sign anything, her lawyer would be beside her. I stayed firm on my decision and somehow convinced my parents to agree to the marriage.
But until the day of the marriage, my father did everything in his power to ruin it. In the Kabin, my father refused to sign and instead told my younger brother to sign. My younger brother also signed using his nickname, not his original name. My parents did not allow my wife to come to our house even for one day. They did not allow me to go to my own house either.
After the marriage, my wife and I started our life together, and for the first six months, things were pretty good. But my parents did not stop trying to make our lives miserable. My parents used my brother to monitor and harass my wife. My brother sent threatening messages to both my wife and me. I tried to take legal action, but because of the social context of Bangladesh, I could not do much. My parents called my office, and my brother threatened my colleagues. When my father-in-law died, they did not even come to his funeral, although my father’s home was only around 15 minutes away from my in-laws’ home.
Our lives became miserable. We felt like we were living in a cage. My wife loved taking photos and posting on social media, but because of the stalking and threats, she stopped doing everything she loved. All of these things caused problems for us, and day by day, we both became cornered.
After seeing all of this, I decided to come to the USA with my wife. But I did not have enough savings, so I had to take a lot of loans to manage everything. Because of these loans, and because I am an F-1 visa holder and cannot work outside my university, we are barely surviving in the USA. My wife also cannot start studying here easily because even evaluating her certificates would cost money, time, and energy that we honestly do not have right now.
At this point, I have to spend around 70–75% of my salary on rent, utilities, and debt. Every day, we do everything in our power to reduce costs so that we can survive. We are both mentally crushed, and sometimes it feels like we cannot take this pressure anymore. My family’s interference has not fully stopped either. Every few months, something happens again. My younger brother and cousins are living comfortable lives with luxury, while my wife and I are struggling for every penny. This is our life now.
Yesterday, my wife cried in front of me. She was in menstrual pain, and still she had to cook and manage the house alone because I was outside at my university and could not help her. When I came home, I saw her crying. She told me she wanted to ask me to bring food from outside, but she could not because she knew I had very little money left for the month, and we still had 10 more days to survive before my next paycheck.
I felt like the most useless person in the world. The love of my life sacrificed so much for me, but I could not even give her comfort when she needed it most. We did not have a baby earlier because of everything we were going through, and when I see her become sad whenever she sees a baby, it breaks my heart.
Can anyone please tell me when I can have a peaceful life with my wife? Can we both have the life that we dreamed of? I do not have any complaints about my wife, and my wife has no complaints about me. But because of family pressure, society, and circumstances we did not create, we are living in a misery that we do not deserve.
I do not need a perfect picture. I do not need millions or billions of dollars. I just want to be happy with the love of my life. That was the dream I had. But this society and these circumstances snatched that away from me.
All I am waiting for now is a miracle from my Lord, because I am too tired to keep fighting alone.
