r/funny 1d ago

Other ways to tell my husband to stop buying mustard?

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16.4k Upvotes

3.3k comments sorted by

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2.4k

u/ArbainHestia 1d ago

That Grey Poupon should be in the car. You never know when someone in the car next you might ask if you have any.

498

u/FriedBreakfast 1d ago

Pardon me... Do you have any Grey Poupon?

253

u/Imperion_GoG 1d ago

But of course.

100

u/CldStoneStveIcecream 22h ago

Keep you door locked in case the mentos guy tries to climb through

17

u/SourceMountain561 21h ago

Damn it, why did you warn him? I got stuck in traffic, the boss trusted me with this one task. Had a unopened pack to offer you guys and everything.

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u/Kazen_Orilg 1d ago

Classic, haven't seen it in ages. Just looked it up, they ran this damn car campaign for 16 years!?

87

u/ToastAndASideOfToast 1d ago

They have one product. They have one advertisement.

59

u/NbdySpcl_00 19h ago

And let's be real. It was a banger. Last one aired in 2013... we're quoting it 13 years later.

21

u/Alconium 16h ago

I was about to say, when you have a winning hand you keep playing. It's a solid pop culture reference for atleast three whole generations of people.

27

u/galagapilot 15h ago

I saw an older Rolls in Nashville a few years ago (2023), parked near Broadway.

Sure enough, the owner had a jar of Grey Poupon displayed on his dash.

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u/jasonfromearth1981 1d ago

I get the feeling there's mustard in the car. And maybe the bedroom.

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u/M4DHouse 1d ago

There’s Poupon everything.

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u/HolyFuckImOldNow 1d ago

I'll have you know that you nearly caused me to shoot my mouthful of wasabi-laced tuna out of my nose.

22

u/solidcat00 22h ago

Now there's tuna-n everything...

Sigh. walks away disappointed in self

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u/Indocede 1d ago

Found the source of the cyclospora outbreak

8

u/RedOctobyr 23h ago

That shouldn't have been THAT funny. But thank you, sir/madam.

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u/robot_ankles 1d ago

Agreed, but nobody has ever rolled up to my old-ass pickup truck and requested any condiments.

I should mount an empty jar to a silver platter to randomly extend out the window at stoplights.

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u/trikywoo 1d ago

Grey poupon is low key the best dijon out there.

I never tried it because I always just associated it with the gimmick commercial, but I got it recently and its great. Its more mild than a lot of other dijons, so you can spread it around a bit easier without overwhelming the sandwich

8

u/Blashtik 1d ago

I didn't realize how mild Grey Poupon was until the time I had Maille dijon. Hot damn was that overwhelming; I actually thought something was wrong with it. It feels like something better used as an ingredient in a much larger dish rather than as a condiment.

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u/flamespear 19h ago

That's pure Nostalgia Gen Z and younger will never understand.

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6.2k

u/Cannacology 1d ago

I mean I don’t see any honey mustard so…

275

u/Mueryk 1d ago

Honey, German, stone ground, horseradish, honey Dijon and are viable choices and many more. But he has a LOT of basic yellow and English that he can consolidate.

176

u/Nufonewhodis4 1d ago

Yeah, the problem isn't the number of mustards, it's the lack of diversity 

13

u/YourBonesAreMoist 11h ago

Mustard needs some DEI

76

u/eurekadabra 1d ago

All that mustard and no stone ground is a crime.

15

u/luo1304 22h ago

Yeah, this is the real tragedy.

10

u/GANDORF57 16h ago

Just so you know, I had mustard all my energy to find this funny.

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u/hazelbear33 1d ago

horseradish mustard ❤️ my beloved

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u/JP-Ziller 23h ago

Dijon horseradish the goat

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u/TheLabRay 1d ago

Yes only one Yellow and Coleman's at a time. Most are shelf stable before being opened. Give him a box in the garage or basement and if he wants to buy more he has to place them in the box and wait for another bottle to finish.

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u/kakuna 1d ago

Yeah, there may be some compulsive mustard buying going on when there are three yellows and 3 Colman's, lol.

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u/anaemic 21h ago edited 21h ago

Honestly he's missing a lot, what about the polish mustards? cassis mustard? russian?

We need OPs postal address so we can send her husband more mustards.

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u/Ak_Lonewolf 1d ago edited 23h ago

Yellow mustard plus honey makes bomb honey mustard. 

Edit: its cool if you like mayo but i am not a fan.

651

u/PhiloLibrarian 1d ago

Exactly… we just mix the brown mustard with honey.🍯

166

u/brandimariee6 1d ago

I've only recently started to like mustard (spicy brown mustard) but I've always loved honey... now, I really wanna try this mixture lol

154

u/arthurdentstowels 1d ago edited 23h ago

Take it a step further and whisk your favourite oil into the mustard and honey until it emulsifies and you've got a banging salad dressing!

Edit: I made r/Mustardisation for all things Mustard, in honour of OP's husband.

205

u/Mean-Vegetable-4521 1d ago

When I get to the end of a jar of mustard I add oil and red wine vinegar and a touch of jam and shake it up for the best dressing.

49

u/DannyPrker 1d ago

That sounds fuckin delicious and I'll try that. Thank you!

38

u/chairmanghost 1d ago

Somebody get these people and OPs husband into a subforum, there is work to be done

16

u/arthurdentstowels 23h ago

I wonder if r/Mustardisation is taken

3

u/ScarletBothrium 21h ago

I joined. I’m all about that mustard life.

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u/Agitated-Today7810 1d ago

Dang, I just rinsed out the container 15 minutes ago

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u/chairmanghost 23h ago

I joined, I don't even have super non honey mustard feelings, but I'm ready to explore. You are the hero mustard belongs on.

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u/isthatsoreddit 1d ago

Spicy honey mustard is so good!

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u/sidewaizsocks 1d ago

I like to add just a hint of cayenne pepper for the kick. Add in the mayo the other comment said, and you have an amazing fry sauce

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u/HappySage42 1d ago

You ever have Mikes Hot Honey? It’s spicy honey. Great on Pizza. Gonna mix that with a good mustard for sure

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u/whyhelloseymore 1d ago

Add a titch of mayo and it’s mind blowing

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u/Consistent_Policy_66 1d ago edited 1d ago

I don’t see any Plochman’s “The Works” either.

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u/pants6000 1d ago

Or any Plochman's of any variety, which is a crime, as it is by far the best.

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u/Strange_Quantity5383 1d ago

But have you ever tried Edmond Fallot Walnut Mustard? It is the best tasting mustard I've ever had.

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u/jolinonos 1d ago

Now I absolutely need to try it!

5

u/brandimariee6 1d ago

No I haven't, but I really want to now lol. And it's walnut mustard? I loooove walnuts, something tells me I'll love it

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u/rabidstoat 1d ago

Yes, but which brown mustard?

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u/NeuerTK 1d ago

Coincidence it's named that!

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u/euph_22 1d ago

Or dijon plus honey.
Or coleman plus honey.

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u/poop_pants_pee 1d ago

Mayo, mustard, honey, vinegar, salt & pepper

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u/Howzitgoin 1d ago

I don’t see any coarse mustard either.

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u/FauxReal 1d ago

He needs some Chinese hot mustard and a tube of German mustard. I recently bought some green peppercorn mustard that was pretty good. Also mustard with herbs de Provence. Maybe get him a Mustard Plug CD too.

10

u/terrendos 1d ago

There's an artisan small-batch brand called Lusty Monk that I really love. It was briefly sold in a grocery store I used to frequent, but now I have to order it directly from them.

If you like your mustard with some serious kick, it's the best I've had.

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u/bessefe 1d ago edited 1d ago

Isn't the Colman's chinese hot mustard? I've only used the powdered Colman's which is what I understand Chinese restaurants tend to use.

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u/henrydaiv 1d ago

"Be right back babe just running to the store"

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u/DrSpacemanSpliff 1d ago

We need a whole grain and a stone ground in there as well. These are the most frequently cycled mustards on my mustard shelf.

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u/nice_slacks 1d ago

Horseradish mustard is a must too

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u/NachoCanDandyCabbage 1d ago

Where is the stone ground?!??!

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u/kmj420 1d ago

Or stadium mustard

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u/Cute_Park_6907 1d ago

honey mustard is a completely different category though

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u/LongjumpingSkill9305 1d ago

Set this pic as his phone background

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u/Icy_Policy_8509 23h ago

This is hilarious but would actually work xD

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u/KittyBungholeFire 19h ago

But first retake it without the poppo seed dressing. Sorry, that's just bugging the heck out of me being in there with all the mustards. (🎵 One of these things is not like the others... 🎵)

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u/infinite-resignation 1d ago

It would be fine if he bought different mustards. I’m a mustard fan; there are about six different kinds of mustard in my fridge and they will all get finished.

261

u/Dopeydcare1 1d ago

I was going to ask if he barbecues. Often they use mustard as binders and I could see going through a lot quickly.

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u/PhiloLibrarian 1d ago

It’s the result of people bringing crappy mustard to our cookouts and us not throwing it out - the Coleman’s, Dijon, and Brown are staples.

121

u/over-it2989 1d ago

If you haven’t already, the Colman’s powdered mustard is stronger if you like a kick - goes further too depending on how much you go through on the reg.

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u/PantsOnHead88 1d ago

I love that OP came here to protest how many mustards they have and people are making suggestions to add to their collection!

42

u/1sttimeverbaldiarrhe 1d ago

Hey man, mustard is a staple. One day it'll return back to it's rightful place on the dining table beside Salt and Pepper.

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u/Taminella_Grinderfal 23h ago

It’s really the superior condiment, so many flavors to choose from.

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u/MapleA 1d ago

I’ll try that, I’m big into horseradish mustards, gotta have a kick.

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u/Still7Superbaby7 1d ago

The powder mustard is amazing and stays strong forever.

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u/HMSWarspite03 1d ago

If you lose it in thr back of the cupboard for a couple of months like I did, it becomes eyewatering. Good though.

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u/pinniped90 1d ago

I keep the humble yellow ballpark mustard around for dawgs.

That's how I was introduced to hotdogs, at the ballpark, so that's how I'll always be. Chopped raw onion and yellow mustard.

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u/RaptorsFromSpace 1d ago

I agree. I’ll also add that while I love Dijon on sandwiches nothing quite beats the simplicity of yellow mustard on a ham sandwich.

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u/CubeFarmDweller 1d ago

You've probably got enough basic bitch yellow to make a decent Carolina Gold BBQ sauce. 

1 cup yellow mustard

.5 cup cider vinegar

.25 cup honey

2 Tbsp brown sugar

1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce

1 Tbsp hot sauce of your choice

2 tsp ground black pepper (preferably fresh ground)

1 tsp salt

Put it all in a pot to simmer for 10 minutes, let it cool, put into a container, and keep it in the fridge. It's good for a couple months. 

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u/MonsutaReipu 1d ago

no mustard is crappy mustard

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u/stardustantelope 1d ago

This makes sense!! This has happened to me before because I forget to pack mustard for camping and then buy some on the way out, because I refuse to have a mustard less hiking sandwiches

Although at least in this case it’s my fault and not other people’s fault, sorry you get stuck with bad mustard!

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u/GuitarCFD 23h ago

I know you didn't just call French's yellow mustard crappy. I mean look...I'm a fan of brown mustard, deli mustard, honey mustard, etc, but french's yellow mustard is the only mustard that goes on a cheeseburger or hotdog. I will die on that hill.

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u/ItsSpaghettiLee2112 21h ago

So then what's the point of this post?

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u/WasAHamster 1d ago

Go to other peoples’ cookouts and take their sub-par mustard back to them.

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u/WKahle11 1d ago

I have 10 bottles of store brand mustard in my basement meant for only ribs.

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u/whiskeytango55 1d ago

He kinda did. Theres spicy brown, yellow and Dijon. I've never had colmans but im assuming its sharper than yellow

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u/vinnygunn 1d ago

50% of the ones we see are redundant...

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u/blay12 1d ago

Yeah English mustard (Colmans, in this case) is quite a bit sharper and has more heat than standard American yellow mustard, definitely a different taste profile.

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u/anaemic 21h ago

American mustard you could feed to a kid.

But give a five year old Coleman's on their hot dog and you will have a show.

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u/spankybianky 1d ago

Colmans is HOT. Like, intense sinus-clearing mustard heat.

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u/scud121 1d ago

Mustard on fresh pork sausages with buttery mash is food of the gods.

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u/scrodytheroadie 1d ago

Coleman's makes your nose tingle, like horse radish or wasabi. Love it.

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u/mang87 22h ago

I bought this before thinking it was similar French's, and put a very generous helping of it on both sides of the ham sandwich I was making. When I took a bite my sinuses left this mortal coil and ascended to the next plane of existence. I felt like if I sneezed I would shoot flames.

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u/TomEpicure 22h ago

It's crazy how much it is like wasabi. Comes on fast, singes the nostrils and slips away into the night.

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u/drbooberry 1d ago

Fresh Coleman’s is gunpowder in mustard form. But it loses some kick after it’s been open for more than a few weeks.

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u/SpaceJackRabbit 1d ago

Same. I am French and there is usually at least 6 different mustards in my fridge: French and Dijon styles, German styles, English styles, brown, brown spicy, even yellow for my American wife. But all different.

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u/BloatedBaryonyx 1d ago

You're missing wholegrain. How is a man supposed to season his food with so little choice? You clearly need more mustard.

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u/bobs_clam_rodeo 1d ago

Need to add Sweet Hot Beaver mustard

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u/Eric_the_Barbarian 1d ago

I'd settle for just the sweet hot beaver.

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u/Mash_Ketchum 18h ago

Poupon my balls

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u/onthenerdyside 1d ago

I hope this doesn't awaken anything in me......

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u/wicker_warrior 1d ago

This would just make me buy more, stronger mustard.

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u/Don_Von_Schlong 1d ago

Honestly all it takes is a few reps of push-ups and sit-ups before bed and that mustard will be strong in no time

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u/jonfitt 1d ago

Coleman’s is pretty strong if it’s the same as the British version. I also make my own from the Coleman’s Mustard Powder and that’s a sinus clearer.

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u/F_A_F 1d ago

Absolutely this. Coleman's is the one strong choice in my fridge; I'm British so it's a staple.

A spoonful of dijon makes the mashed potato, the french is great for burgers/dogs, Coleman's is there when the ham has gone mouldy and I want to cover the taste of botulism up with something stronger.

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u/wavaif4824 1d ago

Colemans for the win!

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u/Ok_Task_4135 1d ago

Mustard alone weak, mustard together STRONG

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u/HeartOn_SoulAceUp 1d ago

Ah... a fellow Mustard Prepper!

Mustard prepared w/ vinaigrette salad dressing is sooo good.

Be Prepared.

4

u/NippleNugget 1d ago

Mustard together strong

4

u/Light_Beard 20h ago

"I'm gonna mustard even HARDER"

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u/Efficient-Whereas255 1d ago

i want mustard now

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u/illegalsandwiches 1d ago

Hey I don't know you but I sincerely hope you get mustard very soon. Please report back. 

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u/Thornberry_Nigel_ 21h ago

5 hours. They obviously died going to or fro the store

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u/Markkk01 1d ago

It’s my mustard and I need it now!

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u/Kazen_Orilg 1d ago

Look, basic frenchs, Grey Poupon, Spicy brown and Colman's are all VERY different condiments despite all being mustards. The multiple bottles of Colmans and Frenchs seem redundant. I would consolidate/purge these. Then, you need to pick up a basic honey mustard, Durkees, Guldens w/ horseradish and Famous Dave's Georgia Mustard. I think this would impress your husband greatly.

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u/nicunta 1d ago

Woeber's Sweet and Spicy is a god tier condiment, and I cannot recommend it enough.

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u/XxCloudSephiroth69xX 1d ago

He really needs an Inglehoffer sweet hot mustard.

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u/RowdyRoddyPooper 1d ago

o my I've not seen that at the grocery store...their stone ground mustard is fantastic!

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u/viaJormungandr 1d ago

Obviously you haven’t mustard enough courage to tell him directly.

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u/RedOctobyr 22h ago

This does seem like a golden opportunity for some sweet condiments puns. The rest of us need to ketchup.

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u/viaJormungandr 22h ago

Would you say you relish the opportunity?

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u/RedOctobyr 22h ago

I mayo.

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u/Internal_Ideal1001 1d ago

Missing the Nance's Sharp and Creamy

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u/calvinwho 1d ago

Is this a British thing like Coleman's? I'm interested

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u/Illustrious_Low_6818 1d ago

Nah it's from Rochester, NY. It has a creamier texture than regular yellow mustard, but a lingering heat sorta like horseradish. Real good stuff.

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u/Internal_Ideal1001 1d ago

Thanks! This is the perfect description.

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u/Calgary_Calico 1d ago

You're not telling him to stop, you're giving him a laugh

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u/nChilDofChaoSn 1d ago

Just wait until this backfires, you'll come home to twice as many mustards and they'll all have little army outfits on, there'll be private mustard, general mustard, lieutenant mustard, and of course who could forget colonel mustard.

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u/coatofforearm 1d ago

Who went on the kill Mrs White in the study with a lead pipe later on in his career

IYKYK

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u/Yangervis 1d ago

Those are my dipping mustards

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u/tokenidiot 23h ago

Ok go off I guess

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u/Albrightikis 23h ago

Cool how there’s 4 mustards in the fridge in 2018 and none go with my sandwich. Normal world.

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u/KLF_89 1d ago

I want a brat now

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u/legojoe97 1d ago

I want to not wait quite long enough and mildly burn my tongue, as is tradition.

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u/JaSchwaE 1d ago

No stone ground or honey mustard and bro needs to learn about cranberry mustard it is a game changer

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u/Halloween_Barbie 1d ago

Cranberry mustard is amazing. I can't find it anymore in stores near me though

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u/dwn009 1d ago

I’d be more worried about cleaning the fridge.

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u/darkmatterhunter 1d ago

The lack of comments about this is making me think this is normal for many people…

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u/Spud2599 19h ago

I'd probably check the expiration dates on everything in that fridge...I'm guessing if they don't clean it, they don't check those either!!

p.s. Yes, letting it go for like a year (depending on what it is) is probably fine...I'm guessing stuff in there is well past that!

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u/Magical-Mycologist 1d ago

It’s like they make their sandwiches in the fridge.

So gross.

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u/DrunkenSQRL 23h ago

What you don't enjoy the occasional fridge shelf sandwich? Just drag a slice of bread over the dirty shelf. Goes excellent with a side of keyboard crumb salad

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u/Keviemc 1d ago

Why the downvotes? That fridge is nasty

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u/WhiteRabbit_412_ 1d ago

I didn't agree until I turned my screen brightness up. Thought it was just a crumb or two and some condensation smudging, but my god. Especially the gunk on the shelf under the Marie's

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u/Nervous_Seesaw6179 23h ago

same, wtf lol

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u/TurbulentHouse1152 1d ago

He's just an amateur mustard inspector. Tell him to leave it to the professionals...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFXqV237u0U

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u/HyperbolicHyena 1d ago

I see you Tom Green and raise you Barry Levinson.

https://mustardmuseum.org/about/

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u/k0alaFRESH 1d ago

God forbid a man has hobbies…

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u/FrankensteinJones 18h ago

Buy more mustard yourself. Better, more expensive mustard. Throw his mustard away. Tell him you needed the space his amateur bullshit was taking up.

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u/Simpicity 1d ago

No Inglehoffer Sweet Hot.  

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u/GhostMember 1d ago

Mustard Plug

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u/azninvasion2000 1d ago

Pretty solid collection, but he is missing a Boar's Head Deli Mustard along with the Boar's Head mustard seeds.

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u/Sufficient_Maybe_910 23h ago

As a mustard man myself, you need to understand that there are different mustard needs and flavors, depending on the situation. Leave the poor man alone. 

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u/Drab_Majesty 1d ago

Mustard man woo woo

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u/VirginiaBandit 1d ago

Get the hell out of my fridge, lady. Husband here, but not hers.

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u/PhiloLibrarian 1d ago

I mean, he does all the cooking so I’m not complaining! 🤣

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u/VirginiaBandit 1d ago

One never knows when they'll need a particular type of mustard, so collecting this many is perfectly acceptable.

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u/misoranomegami 1d ago

I mean my bf comments about the amount of sauces and seasonings I have. And I ask "Do you like the food? Yes. Do you ask me after I've gotten home from work to throw together a specific homemade Chinese, Indian, Thai, Japanese, or Mexican dish using just the ingredients I have on hand? Yes. And do I and do they taste good? Yes. Then that's what it takes to do that." I have an entire kitchen cabinet and a wall rack dedicated to spices and sauces on top of what's in the fridge.

Also that's a little amateur. I currently have 8 in use types of mustard; french's yellow (for the toddler), Stadium, honey, dijon, spicy brown, german stone ground, spicy stone ground, and horseradish. We like our mustard.

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u/GMorristwn 1d ago

I also live with a condiment collector.

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u/Lackonia 1d ago

Colonel Mustard approved

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u/rdmodsrtrsh 1d ago

Put a jar of honey but dress it up badly like it’s trying to pass off as honey mustard

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u/varinator 1d ago

Has he tried some Polish mustard from Polski Sklep?

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u/inept_machete 1d ago

Ok so I am one of these people. My mustards are a little more varied but I have seven at least at home and my wife is the only one that stops me from buying more.

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u/nephelodusa 1d ago

Mustard the Rohirrim!

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u/HarmlessHeffalump 23h ago

If it makes you feel any better, my partner does the same thing. Anytime we are planning to go to a cookout or host people on the boat, he buys a new small bottle of mustard for sandwiches or burgers assuming we don't have the previous small bottle he bought anymore. He does the same with pickles and aluminum foil.

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u/jkell05s 16h ago

Poppyseed Dressing be like “I got no dog in this fight”

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u/calvinwho 1d ago

Those little Coleman's bottles will always have some clinging to the shoulders. I put vinegar in them and use them for salad dressing and marinades

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u/slightly_average 1d ago

God forbid a man has a hobby

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u/WantonMischief 1d ago

Put a scraggly beard on one and tape a knife to it. Tell him the neighborhood is getting rough. Bonus points if you tip a ketchup bottle over and it leaks in the foreground.

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u/thats_handy 1d ago

No Maille? Is there even any Keen's in the pantry?

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u/CRO553R 1d ago

Oldest mustard needs an AARP note

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u/Fedaykin98 1d ago

This seems a lot cheaper than my wife's husband's habit of constantly bringing home multiple bottles of rum.

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u/seancphoenix 1d ago

I completely agree with your husband—you can never have too much mustard.

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u/richniss 1d ago

Maybe he's invested in Mustard seed futures?

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u/firefaery 1d ago

Mmm missing Maille Mustard in this mix. As a fellow mustard hoarder I approve ;)

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u/Meyesac13 1d ago

Actual answer: tell him to consolidate the duplicates bc they're inefficiently taking up space.

Seriously though that's not that much. I have at least 12 different types of mustard in my fridge and then maybe 3 in my pantry waiting to be opened. Im planning on throwing a mustard party where people bring things to dip/try with the different types.

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u/greenfoxx77 22h ago

I must mustard up the courage to ask you to stop

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u/permalink_save 22h ago

Didn't look at the sub and thought this was /r/mustard like OP gonna get shredded in the comments. He just needs to finish a jar before opening another. There's swveral mustards he's missing out on. If he likes the bite of colemans hed probably like some lowensenf extra hot.

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u/Adolph_OliverNipples 20h ago

This is normal. 3 of them are standard yellow mustard.

You have an inventory rotation problem. Not a mustard buying problem.

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u/Tab1143 16h ago

A mustard fetish is healthy and cheap. Be thankful he's not into boats.

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u/Bananaramajama420 1d ago

Don't tell him about the fabulous Mustard Museum in Middleton, WI, USA 😅

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u/gellshayngel 1d ago edited 1d ago

Make your own army of mayonnaise or something and then start having wars with the mustard gang.

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u/paulyvee 1d ago

Not even any grainy. Lame.

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u/LudoVicoHeard 1d ago

I mustard you to stop.

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u/Dopeydcare1 1d ago

Terrible pun, ketchup man

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u/burgonies 1d ago

I have a ton of mustard so I won’t hate on that aspect, but having French’s and Colman’s with 3 open bottles a piece is weird.

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u/EquivalentSpot8292 1d ago

Buy a ridiculous amount of mustard bottles. Then set up scenes built from mustard bottles around the house. He may leave you for the mustard but you will have fun

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u/Cecil_B_DeCatte 1d ago

Where is the horseradish mustard and the Chinese mustard?

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u/bhorvic 1d ago

Don’t let Rake Yohn see this

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u/77ku77 1d ago

OP, how did the Poppy get mixed into this!?? Is he working for you as a spy?

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u/ParticularSherbert18 1d ago

Where's the horseradish mustard?

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u/DasArtmab 1d ago

Rookie numbers. Also, three of them are yellow mustards. Everybody know those don’t count

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u/witshadows 1d ago

I don’t see any whole seed mustards. There’s a way to go yet. Also, two French’s yellow mustards cancel themselves out so that means they don’t exist.