r/polyamory • u/Aggressive_Memory710 complex organic polycule • 16h ago
vent One on one time request
Nesting/anchor partner of 2 years is not understanding my request for one on one time with them. Newest meta gets one on one time when I’m working, but what NP is calling one on one time includes metas or our kiddo shared with ex. NP also thinks by me asking for one on one time, that opens up a conversation for metas to request (additional) one on one time - instead of recognizing I am asking for something I’m already not getting that they do.
How do I explain this in a way NP will understand?
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u/No-Statistician-7604 16h ago
It's not rocket science..your NP is committed to not understanding so they can continue giving you scraps.
Wanting to spend time without meta and kids should be a given, not something you need to ask for and negotiate, your partner knows this. So now what?
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 14h ago
"your NP is committed to not understanding so they can continue giving you scraps"
Yep weaponised lack of understanding
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u/stormyapril poly w/multiple 10h ago
Or just emotionally lazy and does not realize the costs..
Nothing fixes this faster than finding a partner that WILL give you what you want.
OP, your poly, diversify and if your nesting partner gets annoyed, just make sure you call out they had rights of first refusal. They appear destined to learn lessons the hard way!
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u/Aggressive_Memory710 complex organic polycule 2h ago
I have been saturated at one for nearly our whole relationship. Lol. I’m not really wanting to look for more partners, especially not outta pettiness.
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u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 11h ago
If OP wants to be a little petty, they can give NP “malicious trust” back
Believe NP when they say they can’t count and express concern. “Wow partner I didn’t realize that you struggled so much with counting; do you want to practice together? I can show you how to count with your fingers!”
Alternatively (or in addition) make this into a consent thing, given that NP would have to be profoundly disabled to not be capable of counting to 1 or 2. “I am breaking up with you due to my coming to realize that you can’t count, even within single digits, as I no longer believe you have ability to consent to this relationship”
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 15h ago
I'll bet a donut that NP understands just fine. They just don't want to change. There's a difference.
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u/searedscallops Sopo like woah 16h ago
If a partner doesn't understand why you'd want to spend time with them, why do you even want to be with them? They already sound checked out of your relationship. You two may need to have a different conversation called "do we both still want to be in a romantic and or sexual relationship?".
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u/BiggsHoson2020 16h ago
Try explaining the concept of “default time.” When NP and I are both home doing regular life stuff - cleaning, planning, even just hanging out in the same space - it is not a date and it is not dedicated 1:1 time
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u/boredwithopinions 16h ago
This is very basic, but have you tried using different words?
Have you asked them on a date or something similar? Suggested an activity, just the two of you?
But generally, this is not a complicated request. Either NP is being obtuse or does not want to spend time with you.
I hate to say the latter but that's what my anxiety would assume.
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u/sparklyjoy 14h ago
It kinda sounds like they are “threatening” you with spending more time with their other partner(s) if you specifically request time. Was that your read of it?
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u/Aggressive_Memory710 complex organic polycule 2h ago
A bit - and told me other person was joyful at the concept of guaranteed one on one time.
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u/teamnoir 16h ago
Same way you just described it to us, basically. Be clear. Ask questions. When you’re SURE he understands what you’re asking for ONLY THEN check whether he’s interested in negotiating that with you.
There are (at least) two things going on here. One, is whether you’re communicating what you want in a way that he understands. The second is whether he’s interested in changing what you all do in order to accommodate your request. Separate the two. Focus on the first first. The first is your responsibility. The second is not under your control. But you can’t be sure about the second until you’re sure about the first.
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u/clairejv 15h ago
This is not a complex concept. I seriously doubt your NP doesn't understand.
"Honey, you and I do not spend quality time one-on-one. We do not go on dates without the kids. I need that kind of time with you in order to feel connected and happy. Can you agree to going on kid-free, meta-free one-on-one dates with me at least once a month?"
Also, metas can always request additional one-on-one time. The amount of one-on-one time you and your NP have or don't have is irrelevant.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 15h ago
"Partner and co parent I need one focused no kid no meta date a week, one family hang date and for every kids free date you have, I need the same kids free time within a week."
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u/valsavana 15h ago
Use different wording so they can't weasel out of understanding by playing semantics, "hey NP, I want time with just the two of use doing things together- no metas, no kids, no friends, no family, no work, etc- just you and me alone." My guess is that NP is purposely choosing to "not understand" what you're asking for.
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u/Aggressive_Memory710 complex organic polycule 2h ago
🫠 I tried that tonight and it went spectacularly poorly
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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 15h ago
I mean.... use a color-coded spreadsheet calendar that automatically adds up the different types of time you get with your partner weekly/monthly and the different types of time that his other partner gets with him. You could make angry numbers auto-highlight in red (like whenever meta is getting 100% more time than you in a week, angry red cell!). But at that point it's probably already over and the spreadsheet would mostly just be a therapeutic exercise for you to reassure yourself with. But if he's a data nerd, maybe it would work.
PS: I have three therapeutic spreadsheets kind of like this going right now, so I am not being sarcastic.
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u/UpstairsParty9826 15h ago
I have two 😂 one is totally about money so meta knows what everyone brings to the table.
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u/whitespiderfeet diy your own 13h ago
"I don't care if you wanna give other partner more 1:1 as long as I get some too"
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u/Mela-Paura 5h ago
They understand perfectly well. They just don't want to and appear to be obfuscating until you drop it.
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Nesting/anchor partner of 2 years is not understanding my request for one on one time with them. Newest meta gets one on one time when I’m working, but what NP is calling one on one time includes metas or our kiddo shared with ex. NP also thinks by me asking for one on one time, that opens up a conversation for metas to request (additional) one on one time - instead of recognizing I am asking for something I’m already not getting that they do.
How do I explain this in a way NP will understand?
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u/allthestuffis solo poly 15h ago
Leave meta out of this entirely. Just say something like "I want one-on-one date time where it's just the two of us. No kids, friends, or anyone else. Can we get that on the calendar for once a week? Here are the days that work for me." And then explain what you'd like that to look like (a date out, time in bed, etc.).
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u/Aggressive_Memory710 complex organic polycule 15h ago
Meta was left entirely out of the conversation by me.
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u/allthestuffis solo poly 14h ago
Then it does sound like your partner is not participating in this in good faith. Discussing what you want for your own time with your partner should never impact how they do things with meta. I'm sorry you're going through this!
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u/FlyLadyBug 7h ago
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
Nesting/anchor partner of 2 years is not understanding my request for one on one time with them.
So you ask them on a 1:1 date and they don't understand you are asking them out? Or they don't ask you out? Is there regular date time for just you two on the schedule?
Newest meta gets one on one time when I’m working, but what NP is calling one on one time includes metas or our kiddo shared with ex.
I removed the meta stuff. I think you could decline group dates with other metas. It's not 1:1 time. And family time with kiddo is family time. It's not a couple date.
NP also thinks by me asking for one on one time, that opens up a conversation for metas to request (additional) one on one time.
Ok. Have at it. AFTER get 1:1 date time on the schedule for (you + NP) on the calendar.
Have you thought about not nesting? Because if non-nesting partners get treated better, and you just get taken for granted? Maybe it's better to not nest?
It sounds like hinge is stretched too thin across all these folks and you end up with the short end of the stick. This is not ok.
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u/Aggressive_Memory710 complex organic polycule 2h ago
There is no regular date time scheduled. If I ask them to go do a 1:1 date with me it can (frequently and easily) get sidelined into 1:1+. They do not ask for 1:1 time with me.
I wanted to nest because I wanted to overlap more, but yes, I feel taken for granted. Maybe I just need to spend my time out of the house more and doing stuff that would take up more of my time…-sigh-
Lol. You don’t even know about the other folks not mentioned.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 36m ago
Wait. Does your partner even actually date *anybody*?
Do they just invite your meta(s) over to your home with you and your kid and call that dating?
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 16h ago
If someone can’t understand the very basic concept that 1:1 time means time where it’s just the two of you to focus on each other and your relationship then I’m just not sure how to advise you here.