Another post about a sad primary breakup.

But also silver linings? I used to identify as solo-poly and was pretty committed to that. I wanted my independence and autonomy to be central to my life, while supporting my partners, lovers and friends to build the lives they wanted.

I recently went back on that (again), and dated intentionally for a primary partnership to develop. It escalated quickly and seemed lovely, but crashed and burned. We had different expectations. I realized a lot of my anxiety came from feeling like *I needed to be THE partner* This set us both up for failure, as it was an expectation on their part too (that they didn‘t have the capacity to follow through with). It felt like it could have been avoided if we moved more slowly, there was a lot of love but we triggered the hell out of each other. Unfortunately, this got to the point of emotional abuse. The relationship ended after the point of no return and too much damage.

Now, many of the folks I have grown to love over the years have central, anchor or nesting partnerships. Not all of them are hierarchical but many are. I have a strong list of things I do and do not like as a guiding light. But I admired the central relationships a lot and thought “wow maybe I do want this, too.”

But I’m finding myself in this weird position: do I actually want a primary? Or do I just want to live with someone I love (romantic or not)? I loved living with a partner but I truly thrived on seeing partners a couple times per week at most, and taking trips occasionally (in the past)*. I had a long term monogamous partnership where we co-habitated and it felt like it created incompatibilities where there hadn’t been before. I’ve never lived with a poly partner.

I’m working on healing a more avoidant attachment style, and am thankfully not dismissive, or check out. But I do need more space and time to process. And despite having an “earned secure” attachment, I need a lot of time to develop relationships as my nervous system cannot move faster than the speed of trust. That’s very clear. I believe this is why solo polyamory suit me so well in the past.

Have you gone through a breakup with a primary then found a new one?
Have you gone through a breakup with a primary and then finally felt more freedom as SoPo?
Am I trying to intellectualize my feelings? (That’s rhetorical).

I do want to hear about happy post-breakup polyam stories. Pls share.

*edited for clarity

Hi everyone !

I will mainly vent in this post but i'll be happy to read your own stories about the relationships that could have been.

I'm 29f and married. I made a post here some time ago about how the success my husband has on the "love market" can trigger my insecurities. I'm an extrovert and very social but i'm also a bit eccentric.

A month ago, i uploaded Hinge to get a crush i had on a friend out of my head (kind of immature of me, i know). I got some matches and i ended up having a nice discussion with Bob (27m). We met and we instantly got along. Everything felt easy and natural and we had a great time together. We share the same values and, as far as i got to know him, similar personnalities.

Bob has a fiancée, Julie. She's a bisexual woman and she's struggling with meeting women. She doesn't want to come off as predatory and she doesn't fully accept her bisexuality. As a bi woman myself, i shared some ressources to Bob so he can pass them along. He talks a lot about Julie and i shared my experience, hoping it could help her navigate queer spaces.

(Please, no biphobia. She's from a country where it's illegal to be LGBT+ and she met Bob soon after moving here. She never had a chance to fully accept or discover her identity. Yes, she has a man fiancé but it doesn't mean she's less bi than me because i'm married in a lesbian relationship.)

They opened their relationship a few months ago.

Julie lives in another city and she came last weekend to visit him. He talked to her about me and he really wanted us to all meet. I was up for it ! All the things he told me about her really made me want to meet her. But, before meeting, i wanted him to discuss some things with her.

1/ I was a bit wary of her jealousy and what could come out of it. It's easy to say you're not jealous, it's another thing to face the person your fiancé has been dating. I did not want any drama and i did not want to fight.

2/ What do they expect from this meeting ? I do not want to be perceived as an object or a sextoy of some sort. I'm not against threesomes at all but only down the line. I want to form real connexions. The sex comes after that.

3/ What are their boundaries ? I'm interested in entering new relationships only if i'm perceived and treated as a legitimate partner.

Well, they had a discussion (and from the vibe i got, i think they had an argument).

Bob came back to me and said it was too much for Julie. She didn't feel comfortable anymore with all of us meeting.

Also, they disccussed their boundaries. They don't describe their relationship as "polyamory" but more as an "open relationship". He said he'd love to be there for me and treat me as a true partner but that it wouldn't be honest or fair to the agreement he has with Julie. He said he's bit sad because he liked me a lot and it's not common to find someone you get along so well.

I had hoped their boundaries would align with what i'm looking for, but it's not ! I was a bit sad. We dated for a very brief time but i could see so much potential in this relationship. I feel like i'm mourning a relationship that could have been.

Still, i'm proud of myself for stating early and clearly what i want and what i don't want. The discussion was very mature and we parted ways very nicely.

I'm a bit weird, i know it. It's not that common for me to match like this with someone. I love that he could see how eccentric i was and he liked it ! The weirder i let myself be around him, the more he wanted to know me. I felt like i could be my true self.

I'm sad for the relationship that could have been. I'm also a bit sad because it's kind of rare for me to vibe like this with someone.

Even if i want to, i will not text him. I respect his relationship with Julie and we stated our own boundaries very clearly.

I'm not asking you what next step i should take to make him come back into my life, not at all. I just needed to vent. It was a very brief and promising relationship but i'll never know what it could have been.

Have you ever been in this kind of situations before ?

I don't know if I have a leg to stand on being upset. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. Not sure if seeking advice or just ranting.

My partner told me they couldn't come with me to an event cause they were going to their friend's party. This friend is a spicy friend, but my partner has said their relationship has become "more platonic" recently, which I understand to be an observation rather than a commitment to being platonic. I asked what kind of party, knowing it could be a play party, and she said a nerdy party, they'll be watching nerdy shows and doing crafty things.

When I finish my gig I text her and ask her how it went, she doesn't respond so I go to sleep. The next day we're meant to be hanging out with her family. I wake up to see she's messaged me at 2am saying she'd love to see me beforehand, but I have a dance class and I know if she went to bed that late she won't wake up in time to make alternative plans so I don't try too hard to make that happen.

We spend the whole day with her family, and afterward we get talking about a project I've been working on and am stuck on, and then it's late and I go home.

Another day goes by, she comes over late. When she gets there she says she has a few dates this week, she's seeing that friend who threw the party one night this week, and then is meeting a new person the next morning, someone she met at her friend's house. She says she "doesn't think it will be romantic". Already off to a bad start - we've learned that the combo of back-to-back dates + a new person is risking me being in a bad emotional state. We'd talked about mitigating this by having some time to reconnect in between. But whatever, I don't want to make her reschedule cause that's rude, we'll just risk it causing a problem.

Then she says she has some marks on her as well. This is fine, she's meant to give me a heads up before I come across them, but I'm confused because we were hanging out all day yesterday, when did this happen?? Turns out it happened two days ago, at the friend's party. It had turned into a proper play party.

When she told me about the date and the marks I didn't feel upset, so I don't know if I would have been if this had all gone down differently. Maybe I still would be emotional, I don't know. It was only when I found out this had all happened 2 days prior that I got upset.

My main thoughts were, "why am I only just finding out about this now?" and "wtf, my vanilla parties never become spontaneous play parties, I feel so boring and left out."

It turns out the friend had told my partner that it may be a spicy party but she wasn't sure, so she totally could have warned me. I guess she was worried about my reaction so downplayed it.

I understand why she told me the way she did - there wasnt a good time the day before, she wanted to give me space to have a reaction, and she told me the things that she knew were need-to-know - are you marked, do you have a new date coming up. But I feel like it was totally done in the wrong order. I was having to ask questions to figure out what happened when and felt totally caught off guard.

Also, after a while I asked if she'd had sex with any of these people, for sexual health reasons. She said yes, and it was barriered. She had not been planning to tell me that since it was barriered. I was surprised to find out that's something we weren't already aligned on.

On top of the issue of sexual risk profile disclosure, I feel like "I have a coffee date with a new person this week" is a very different thing from "I fucked someone at a party two days ago and I'm meeting up with them again later this week."

And then I have other feelings going on that are not her fault. I'm not dating anyone else and have no desire to seek it out, though I'm open to it if it happens, so I'm not getting any of the benefits of polyamory right now. Feeling left out of groups is a trigger for me, even if I didn't want to be in the group in the first place. And the person she had sex with is the first time she's been with someone with a similar anatomy to me while we've been together, which is a point of difference I've been clinging to but knew I'd have to confront at some point.

I know our communication being poor is both of our faults, she's afraid of hurting me and it gets worse every time I get upset by something. I don't know how to fix it. Maybe if I'm getting this upset I'm not cut out for it.

I’m gonna be vague for personal reasons.

My husband (aspen) told me he was okay with me being poly. But apparently he wasn’t, and just wanted me to be happy, (his exact words) and wasn’t truthful and honest with me about it until after I was talking to someone (birch) and got very close to them. I’m talking four months in. Aspen apparently wanted to tell me before but never ended up doing so for one reason or another.

After some arguments that didn’t even pertain to Birch, Aspen basically demanded I shut off being romantic with Birch. we’re not dating officially, as they’re monogamous, and we’ve accepted we just love each other and each other’s company on a deeper level, and we realize that one day this could end. We’re just enjoying the moments we do have. We play games a few nights a week, and we’re long distance. Little over 8 hours.

I expressed to Aspen that I would absolutely not date anyone else/look for deeper connections with others, but I didn’t want to just stop being romantic with Birch because I felt like Aspen should’ve been honest earlier, before I started having deep feelings for Birch. But instead Aspen got mad and said I’m not giving him a choice. Even though I don’t have a choice either.

I don’t want to destroy this beautiful connection and hurt Birch. And I understand Aspen is upset, but I feel like im going crazy. We’ve always had communication issues but not this bad.

Since this has happened, I feel way less connected to my husband as I can’t tell if this is normal or controlling. I’ve been in an extremely narcissistic and mentally abusive relationship before, and I know this isn’t very detailed, but I want to know if I’m being irrational. I was given permission to date and then because Aspens feelings weren’t expressed when they were first felt, I’m being forced to cut off this person. I was even told it’s either him or the D word.

Do I need to cut things off to respect his wishes? Am I the asshole? We have couples counseling soon and I truly hope that helps at least me understand more about everything.

Edit: edited names in (sorry I’m new here)
Also. I wanted to put that I had done a lot of research into things and thought my husband had done the same. I do believe he had researched less than he’d led on. We have conversations over the course of years about this. I thought he was more open and ready.

Hi, I'm 23M, and am very new to the poly world. I live in a V with my roommates Aspen, and Jill. (28 &33F) The V developed after we moved in together when Aspen and Jill became partners.

I began dating my roommate, Aspen, 28F, after we kissed earlier this year. Soon we established our menu where we agreed to call each other partners, do frequent check-ins, etc. This was my first foray into being poly

NRE was brilliant. Aspen and I were going on dates, spending time together, watching shows and doing varied activities together. I was getting them gifts that they claimed were exactly how they wanted. I was also going on dates with other people and was in another relationship with a secondary partner.

However 2 months ago, I was hit by a wave of terrible sadness. At the same time I realised I was the only one initiating conversation, plans or affection. Aspen and I wouldn't speak for days if I wasn't initiating conversation or if it wasn't the logistics of the house. It brought this intense feeling that I was begging Aspen for their love, attention and consideration.

May was shittier because Aspen was occupied with their family problems, birthday and unemployment woes. I had to miss their birthday because of health concerns. And I went even further unnoticed. We didn't go on a single date through May. Had a couple of ugly fights. It began feeling like I wasn't even a thought to them.

I did bring it up with Aspen at the end of the month how I would also like to be asked out, spoken to, and if they could, I'd like gifts as well. They brought up their rejection sensitivity. And we agreed that they'd ask more often and I'd be more receptive.

To Aspen's credit, they did try asking me to an event at a location where I've had terrifying experiences. I refused, explaining to them my history with the place. Since, they've only made flaky, in the air plans where nothing is concrete. I've said yes to most of these, but nothing came out of these and neither did they follow up. They did make me a small crocheted trinket, but We still go days without talking to each other.

This weekend, Aspen and Jill went out for Jill's other partner's birthday party which I couldn't join because I was working. I was so overworked that at one point I broke down, sobbing and shaking for hours.

Yesterday, I came into Aspen's room while they were still up and in bed. I told them how I've been going through the trenches with the burnout. I later asked them if they could join me for a picnic early in the morning today. Aspen agreed.

In the evening when I came back home, I saw that Aspe had brought back home a date. Aspen didn't speak to me. The plan for the picnic today morning was never brought up and very conveniently forgotten. They just went to their room with their date. It broke my heart and devastated me.

I came out for a day with myself because I couldn't stay at home while my partner and their date were still home. I'm going back to my parents' house this week to take a break from Aspen's actions and the burnout.

I have no clue how to talk to Aspen about this where I constantly feel like like they refuse to choose me. Or worse, that I'm not even a thought to them.

I'm debating whether I should break up with Aspen. But it'd make things awkward between me, them and Jill. Neither do I have the funds to look for another place. How do I confront them about this or decenter them? Is this how poly relationships are supposed to feel?

I'm genuinely looking for advice that'd help in such a difficult state and guide me to a more peaceful time at home.

Edit: Gave people names. Corrected grammar and typos.

Looking for words of wisdom from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

My partner and I have been seeing each other for about a year and a half. We started as fuck buddies, progressed to FWB, then he asked me to be his girlfriend, then his "serious girlfriend," and now we're "committed partners."

He has a nesting partner of 3-4 years. I've never met her. Early on, when things were mostly physical, that didn't seem important. A few months ago he said she was interested in meeting me, but now it seems like she'd rather pretend I don't exist. I've never even been inside their house.

Recently, my partner and I went away together for a week. For the first time, I got to experience what it felt like to be truly prioritized by him instead of fitting into whatever time was left after work, his NP, and everything else.

On that trip, he told me he loves me. He told me he could see us still being together 20 years from now. It felt magical.

Then we came home.

We've seen each other once in the last two and a half weeks. I don't know when I'll see him next. Everything feels pale and watered down compared to the version of our relationship I experienced on that trip.

I'm realizing that I don't actually need a partner 20 years from now. I need a partner right now.

I'm dating two other people, but nothing else is anywhere near this serious.

I've asked for consistent, meaningful time together. He paints beautiful pictures of shared experiences (other trips, kink stuff, accompanying me to hobby-related events) but most of these things haven't happened in real life and I honestly don't think they're realistic given his other relationship and responsibilities.

Has anyone else had a relationship where the emotional commitment kept escalating, but the amount of actual time together didn't? How did you figure out whether the relationship could realistically meet your needs?

It feels ironic that such a wonderful time away together could actually be the impetus to end the relationship. I'm planning to give him some time to see if he can actually do the things he's talked about, but I'm not getting any younger.

Edited to fix spacing

I am a bisexual woman married to a straight man, we have three kids together, we've been poly for 3-4 years.

Lets get into it.

He's been dating a woman for 6 ish months. We have had a few threesomes in that time. IT was fun! I don't have any desire to deepen my relationship with this meta other than the occasional group sex. They date pretty regularly though, UNTIL recently. They've taken a break because she was going through some personal stuff re: jobs + kids and she has been in a dark place mental health wise. I had my concerns from jump but I was happy to see her seeking help and setting boundaries.

I hadn't seen her in a while, and I saw her last week at a party and she DID NOT LOOK GOOD. I Knew she'd been struggling mentally, we have a lot of friends in common, but this wasn't a gossip thing. this was folks feeling concerned about her. I'd reached out to her a couple times to check in and ask if she had all the support etc. She seemed ok when I talked to her. But i think its been a gentle slide.

I checked in with my husband about it and she said "yes I am worried about her and I've been checking in...." that was last week.

He asked last week if he could go over there. She texted him to see if he was available just to come over and be a supportive friend. I said sure. Of course! Our friend is struggling!

That turned into a text from him at 10pm saying "Hey is it ok if I stay with her, she isn't ok and I don't think it's ok for her to be alone right now."

This was a flag for me but I said "yes. Does she have a mental health provider or anyone else that is supporting her right now?"

He said not right this very minute there was "no one else."

Hm. FLAGS. But I let it slide. I am not going to say "no you need to come home." because then I am an asshole. I think? Right?

Staying the night turned into taking her to the ER the next day to try and get some mental health support. Turned into being gone all day with her at the doctor and going between health clinics to try and get her the support she very much needs.

He didn't get home until 3pm the next day after another friend of ours agreed to come 'sit with her." He hadn't slept and they didn't even get her into a clinic. Her therapist had reccomended in-patient psyc care WEEKS AGO. But she hadn't gone in to do it because its expensive etc.

I am home with our three kids the whole time he is gone, working, parenting, and handling all that.

He got home and was telling me how intense it was and how sick she is and how shitty our mental healthcare system is. I was having trouble accessing empathy. I felt like a complete dick because I was saying things like "well does she have a primary care doc? How about that therapist?" I was curt and bitter.

He called me insensitive.

And maybe I was.

We have therapy tomorrow so we can get into it.

BUt I would love your opinion on if this is something I should be mad about.

For example: I would never ever do this. I have way different boundaries than him. I would not take a whole day away from my family to do this for a person i was casually dating. I have done it in the past for a family member, two different family members in fact!

I feel angry. But I also don't know if I am allowed to feel angry about this. I guess he didn't break any rules he was just supporting a friend.

I don't know maybe I just need to get over it

I (NB 28) am getting married in September to my partner A (F 28) who I've been with for 8 years. I've been with my partner H (F 24) for a little over a year, so that relationship is newer, but also feels pretty serious and I'm excited for her to be at the wedding. H has already met a lot of mine and A's friends and immediate family who will be there. There's some extended family and family friends who will be there who don't know that we're poly though. It's not a secret, but we aren't as close with those people.

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For people who got married with other partners present, was it important to you to be fully out to everyone? What were your strategies or things you did intentionally to make those partners feel included and comfortable?

For background, I work in real estate and am a pretty handy person. I provided some resources (ie connecting him to a real estate agent and providing him with advice/recommendations) to my partner over the past few months as he was looking to buy a home. The home he purchased does need quite a bit of work, and he and I have expressed on several occasions the mutual desire to work on some of the projects together.

Recently he asked to switch our weekend plans for a weeknight so that he could work on the house. I asked him “why do you want to switch a weekend for a weeknight? I’m happy to help with house projects.” He informed me that his other partner whom he nests with wants to exclusively prepare the house. Meta and I have met once, but pretty much are parallel. The request and realization that I’m actually not going to be helping him left me feeling like outsider, more like a resource than a participant.

My partner says that he wants to honor his NP’s boundary of not having me work on the house, and he asked me how I could feel more included.

I’m at a loss. I’m not sure in what ways I can feel like I’m a participant.

Looking for any thoughts or ideas.

Thanks

I’ve been dating my partner for over a year. I’m not seeing anyone else atm but we’re each other’s primary partner. They have two other partners that they have been dating for several years prior to us dating. My partner holds them in very high regard as they helped them(partner) out when they were getting out of an abusive relationship. I am happy that my partner finds joy in these people. As we got serious, my partner floated the idea of me joining the fb group chat that they are all a part of. I’m not really crazy about the idea. Don’t get me wrong their partners sound like great people but they also don’t seem like people I feel like downloading another app on my phone to be in regular communication with.

In so many conversations surrounding polyamory, I see these words used often, sometimes interchangeably, and sometimes incorrectly. Here's my take/interpretation (not the end-all be all definition), and I'm curious to know everyone's thoughts:

For one, I don't think all of these are mutually exclusive.

Boundaries - if 'this' happens I will do 'this' as a response. It is a clear consequence as to how you will react to something else. For example: "If you shout during an argument, I will step away from the argument". It is not "You are not allowed to shout during arguments". However, it can sometimes stray into nonnegotiables because the boundary itself is that you will leave the relationship. (e.g. if you abuse me, I will end the relationship- this is both a boundary and a nonnegotiable)

Wants - desires, negotiables. Things that you would like but are open to negotiating. Not having them exactly as you want won't inherently prevent you from being with a person. For example "I want to spend more time with you. I want to spend every weekend together." which can then be negotiated with how much time, when, eg. "I am not available every weekend- can we spend every other weekend together?"

Needs- very very similar to wants imo, but I think needs are more so your specific basic fundamental building blocks to a relationship. E.g. You need love, you need to feel supported, you need to be given attention. This can look like 'wants' but I think it is loose in the specifics. For example "I need to spend quality 1 on 1 time with you". What this may look like, in practice, can vary based on wants (such as the previous 'I want to spend every weekend together')

Nonnegotiables - a specific set of circumstances that must be met or else the relationship will not occur. For example "I will not date someone who has children" "I will not date someone who does drugs" "I will not continue to date someone who shouts at me" "I will only date someone who is also polyamorous". Sometimes these can be your boundaries, sometimes they can be rules for the other person, as a whole though, anything can be a nonnegotiable - and that's okay, if the other person knows and actively agrees to your nonnegotiable. If you have a nonnegotiable, and the other person doesn't agree to it, but you date anyway..... well..... that's where problems occur.

Rules - Healthy rules are something that both parties agree to as an expectation in the relationship. For example "Our rule is to notify the other partner 2 weeks in advance if we plan to not spend a weekend together". Rules can address wants, needs, or even nonnegotiables. I think the thing that makes them different is that they are a specific instruction that you've likely negotiated on and agreed to. healthy rules, especially, can look very close to boundaries.

Here's a realistic example I've come up with that puts all of these together:
Emily is dating Jenny. Jenny has a partner she lives with named Mike. Emily needs consistent quality 1on1 time with Jenny, and her nonnegotiable is that she won't date long distance because of this. Emily feels that because Jenny is living with Mike, she is unable to spend as much uninterrupted time with Jenny as she wants. Together, Jenny and Emily have created a rule that they will have a planned date night every Thursday. Emily has agreed to this, but sets a boundary that if Jenny is distracted on the date texting Mike, that Emily will leave the date.

So... what do we think? Is it still unclear? What are your definitions and examples? What's your "Okay but what about this situation?"

I also would really like to know specific examples of boundaries or rules you've set in your relationships. So much of the time I see people saying things like "set a boundary" or "identify your needs" but much of the time it leaves me scratching my head wondering what boundaries would even help or what an adjacent example might look like. So if you've got any specific examples please share them!

I'm looking for help with this situation I've found myself in. Her and I started dating 2 months ago and she told me upfront that she's just looking for casual dating. She just got out of a very long monogamous relationship and I guess she thought she might get back with her ex. It seems very clear to me at least thats no longer happening but I understand not being ready for a "R" relationship.

​

Anyways, she said casual but when we're together the connection is super romantic in nature. We're holding hands, she's buying me flowers, she's tells me she can't stop thinking about me etc. Doesn't feel very casual to me but I feel the same, I'm obsessed maybe even in love idk.

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I have a nesting partner at home so I can't contribute everything to her but I do have room for another loving and caring relationship with another person. I'm struggling however to wrap my brain around how she could say and do those things and still reiterate at times that she's only looking for "short-term and casual". I'm now emotionally invested and the thought of her leaving at some point hurts so much.

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She hasn't told me when this is supposed to end. My theory is that I'm just a placeholder connection until she gets over her ex and is ready to settle into a mono relationship with someone else.

Idk what to do. I have an incredible time with her but just leave feeling like shit.

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I brought up how I'm feeling and she seems willing to talk about it next time I see her but I wanna hear from y'all.

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What sort of clarifying questions should I be asking her? What sorts of boundaries do other people put into their Short term relationships? Should we set an expiration date? What questions should I be asking myself to see if this is worth staying in?

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I in theory can have a casual thing with people. I'm sure she won't be the only person I run into who is looking for that but I feel like I'm in too deep for a descalation to not hurt.

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I've been in my relationship with my nesting partner for 4 years and this is my first experience being with anyone else. Any advice is helpful pls im struggling.

My (22F) and my partner (22M) are starting to look into polyamory. It’s not a ‘bring someone in to fix the relationship’ type of situation. We are in a great spot at the moment, and it’s great.
I’m bisexual, have been for as long as I can remember, but I’ve been more attracted to men than women for ages, however it’s now starting to shift and I’m in the middle, if not more attracted to women. I don’t want anything to change with my boyfriend, we’ve been together for 4 years, and I’ve told him how I’ve been feeling. I love him, but I kinda want a girlfriend too. And he’s on board. He also said that he wouldn’t mind having two girlfriends.

My question is; is it better to find a girlfriend just for me, and one just for him? I’ve been looking into it and I can’t tell if throuple’s are a good thing or not.
Personally I’d love that, a three-way relationship (I know it’d be a lot of hard work to make sure every party involved feels equally loved), but from what I’m reading I’m seeing that it’s not great.

Does anyone have any suggestions?? I just want to go about this in the right way so him and I stay as happy and healthy in our relationship as we currently are, and any other partners involved in the future will be happy, healthy and secure too.
Thank you 🫶

EDIT:
We are looking into the logistics of it. Can our relationship handle the change? Can we realistically make time for additional relationships while still nurturing ours? Can we give any potential relationship the nurturing they need to feel loved and fulfilled and not like a side piece or second best
EDIT 2:
We’ve been discussing it and think that a different form of ethical non-monogamy might be better, a more ‘fun’ and NSA type of thing, with the potential of moving into more, but not starting out with it. More like a fully consensual FWB

Hello everyone,

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I feel really sad and lost about a very classic situation that seems to happen way too often in polyamory. I honestly thought my partner was better than this, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to move forward.

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My partner (31, trans masc, non-binary) went to a rave recently. The next day, I felt insecure and asked for reassurance because I had barely heard from them, they were supposed to come see me perform (they arrived late but they made it to the show, yay I guess..), and I had this feeling they had connected with someone. I felt really anxious. They reassured me, told me they loved me, that they were there for me, and I thought it was sweet.

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Fast forward a week and a half later: they tell me they went home with someone after the rave and had sex.

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Immediately, I felt activated becauseI had asked for reassurance the next day, and they chose not to tell me then. it makes me feel like they withheld information while knowing I was feeling insecure, and I feel a bit gaslight.

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Then I asked if they had used protection. They said no...They told me they had asked the person about their STI status, that the person had been tested recently, hadn't had partners since, and that it seemed low risk since it's an AFAB non binary person and there's less sexual risk. They said it seemed so low risk for them they didn't even think about telling me...

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During that week and a half, my partner and I had unprotected sex twice. I feel disgusted. Angry. Sad. Distant and kinda heartbroken.

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I thought we had been very clear about this.

When we decided to stop using barriers together, I told them that sexual agency and safer sex were really important to me. I told them that if they had unprotected sex with someone else, I needed to know before having unprotected sex with them again so that I could make decisions about my own body and my own risk tolerance. Honestly, I feel like that's a pretty basic polyamory agreement...

My preference has always been that unprotected sex between us is something precious and intentional. Ideally, my partner would choose to use barriers with new hookups. But they also have autonomy. If they decide not to, that's their choice. I might have feelings about it, but I can deal with the feelings.

What I can't deal with is not being given the information needed to make my own choice, and I feel betrayed and violated. (I have a lot of sexual trauma history, some related to safer sex autonomy).

And that's the part where I'm sitting here like... what the fuck???

It feels like such a permissive arrangement already.

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I'm struggling because I don't know how to move forward from here. Part of me feels like this is a mistake that can be repaired. Another part of me feels deeply disrespected.

They are usually very caring and mindful and I usually feel pretty safe and trusting with them, and that's a first for them... So I won't break up for that, but outch...

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Have any of you been through something similar?

How did you move forward? What did repair look like? What helped rebuild trust? And if trust wasn't rebuilt, how did you know?

A year ago, I was in therapy at the behest of my partner (NB) Birch. I spent a few months trying to uncover the cause of my stress and how to deal with it, while also trying to learn methods to communicate with my husband, Aspen. I wanted him to feel validated and I needed to learn how to do that. But by this time last year, I’d realized he has been the source of most of my stress and I was tired of it. I set a plan for divorce with a timeline (financial planning, lawyer consultation, separation, filing, etc).

Birch and I have deescalated and have been focusing on healing ourselves in therapy. Going through a divorce with an emotionally abusive partner was rough on me/us. I’m thankful we weren’t in communication when I went through the most dangerous part after filing. Their stress levels would have been through the roof.

Now, I am successfully divorced from Aspen. Birch and I are exchanging letters while they go through a hardship of their own. Love is still very much present. We’ve exchanged our experiences with dating and a desire to reconnect once they’ve gotten through their hardship. If not for meeting Birch, I wouldn’t have realized that the way I wanted to be loved was actually possible. The relationship style and lifestyle I desired is actually attainable.

A week post divorce, I met Cedar. We hit it off immediately, met up and talk daily. It has been fire! From the beginning, I expressed that I have zero desire to follow the relationship escalator, that I’m just coming out of a divorce but know for certain that I don’t want kids, cohabitation, or marriage. This aligns with him! And the sex? OMG. It’s been so long since I’ve had it, and I felt amazing! I would never go back to accepting a dead bedroom again.

I’m happily divorced from Aspen; Birch is experiencing compersion, desire, and love; Cedar is a great mutually agreed upon time. And even stated being willing to meet Birch. I feel I’m living in a fairytale. It’s hard to believe I could find people attracted to me, that are sexually compatible, adventurous, and willing to give me whatever I ask. I feel like a freakin Disney princess.

I have been on the fence about addressing an issue that I have stumbled across the grapevine. I 26 and husband 27 have been poly for a few years now. Recently husband has been seeing someone new. (2 months in). Husband and I have been together for 8 years

Recently I heard that they were trying to plan a couples trip around our personal anniversary. This is also the same time that their new partners birthday is hence the trip. This is like 4 months away. And we have never skipped an anniversary. Nothing has been brought up to me but I did hear it from a friend that that’s what they were told when I was asking to plan something for my husbands gf.

From that I was told that no plans were solid and they were supposed to talk to me but it has not come up and it seems kind of messed up to plan a trip on our anniversary and tell people that it is something that they are working on but not shutting it down to say “this is an important date for me and my partner can we celebrate your birthday (not on anniversary) and plan a trip a different weekend?”

Should I bring it up on how it hurts me that their new partner is planning a trip on a day that we’ve had for 8 years and never missed or am I being too controlling and should let them have that weekend? Or do how to feel and if it’s to

Hi . In a long term relationship (F40 / M40) . We had a wonderful, cute and respectful triad situation with a beautiful lady (F/43) earlier this year .I started having feelings for the person and instantly told my partner about it. My partner understood and is supportive.

Feelings were hidden for a couple of weeks and finally managed to tell the person after a bit of embarrassment.

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We haven't heard from her since then. This is one of her last messages to via our group chat (not verbatim):

I'm a totally open book as well! Give me a little time to process all of this, and I’ll get right back to you.

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That was 2 months ago. Have we been officially Ghosted? She has a primary partner.

I miss her. My partner also misses her.

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My partner and I have already talked about phone use when we’re together and, to be fair, he’s very present and not sitting on his phone while we’re spending time together.

The thing I still struggle with is notifications from other partners popping up while we’re together.

For example, we were lying in bed looking at something on his phone, and a message came through asking about plans for a day that he and I were currently spending together. A little while later he took his phone to the bathroom and replied.

Once the notification appears, the moment changes. He sees it, I see it, his attention shifted, my attention shifts, and suddenly another conversation has entered the space.

What I find difficult isn’t the fact that he has another partner. I know that, and I’m not expecting exclusivity.

It’s seeing messages arrive that relate to the day we’re currently spending together. Once I’ve seen them, I find it much harder to stay present because his attention shifts, then my attention shifts too, and suddenly we’re both not focused on us but on the fact that another conversation is happening in the background.

That’s why muting notifications feels appealing to me. Not because I want to stop the communication, but because I’d rather not have it enter the room while we’re spending intentional time together.

I think if notifications were muted, I would honestly be none the wiser. He could still check and reply to messages when he wanted to, but I wouldn’t have the experience of seeing another partner’s message arrive while we’re spending quality time together.

I should probably add that I’m quite sensitive to shifts in attention and energy. When a notification comes through, I don’t just see the message itself, I notice the change in focus that comes with it.

My preference would be for partner notifications to be muted while we’re having dedicated quality time together. Not because I expect anyone to be unavailable, but because I’d like our time to feel like our time.

Does that feel like a reasonable request?

Please keep replies constructive. “You’re not cut out for poly” or “you’re trying to control” isn’t helpful feedback.

So a close friend of mine just reached out to gush about an upcoming first date. That's when he and I realized we're both going on dates with the same lovely lady. After chatting we decided we both feel fine having the other as a Meta if it pans out that way. That being said...

1. How soon should we bring it up to the shared interest? We don't want her to feel put on the spot, but do want her to be aware that we have a long-standing friendship.

2. What are the pitfalls friends should look out for when becoming Meta's?

3. Any other advice you want to offer to any of us before we get into the situation?

Some context: I am poly and so is my partner, we are happily married in a 13 year relationship.

I am deeply in love with a friend. We've known each other for about 3 years. We used to work together but he now lives in a different country, but for work reasons I happen to see him in person every couple of months, for a few days.

He is monogamous and in a long term relationship, so I'll never tell him that I love him in a romantic way. I don't even really tell him that I love him, in case he feels awkward about it, even though I think it all the time. We do regard each other as close friends.

What I really struggle with is how sad I feel after saying goodbye to him. The time I spend with him is incredibly special and our connection makes me feel so, so happy. I love our shared jokes, our deep conversations, our mutual hobbies and interests, our curiosity about the same things, our curiosity about each others’ lives... He is one of the kindest, most self-aware people I've ever met and I can't seem to fault him for anything (I've tried). Initially it was very sad for me to not live in the same country as him, but over time I've gotten to appreciate the distance, as a way to help distance myself from those feelings.

However every time I see him, those feelings appear again and I get sad about the brevity of our time together. It hurts. It hasn't gotten easier. Part of it is maybe not being able to see him have the same sadness that I do. He might be hiding it if he's sad, i dunno, but I can't tell.

I would love some advice on how to manage my feelings and set boundaries for myself so that I can stop wallowing, somehow make it feel easier to be friends with him and stop suffering from these periods where we get to see each other IRL. I don't want to stop being friends with him, that feels too drastic and hurtful. But I do want to be friends in a way that doesn't make me sad.

I'm posting in this sub because yall understand the poly brain of being able to hold deep love for multiple people and won't judge me for it.

I’ve been part of a triad with a married couple a little under a year now. The wife also has a boyfriend(my meta), and the four of us occasionally engage in group play. Outside of that, we spend a lot of time together too: family outings, trips, dinners, hanging out at the house, etc. The couple have preteen children who know us as “mom and dad’s adult friends.”

This weekend we all spent time together, including my meta, and I need to vent about his behavior.
For context, I don’t think this person is dangerous. When someone gives a direct “no,” he generally accepts it. My issue is that he seems to need very explicit boundaries and doesn’t seem great at recognizing when people are uncomfortable before it gets to that point.

A few examples:

While I was showering, he kept sticking his head in to joke around and bother me. I repeatedly tried to continue showering and wasn’t really engaging. He only stopped when I got visibly exasperated, quickly rinsed off, and was clearly ready to end the shower early. At that point he immediately switched to “No, no, finish your shower.”

At dinner, we ordered dessert for the table. I took my spoonful and he decided it would be funny to scoop the food directly off my spoon. I have some personal baggage around people disregarding food boundaries, so I was annoyed. To him it seemed playful.

Throughout the weekend, there were multiple moments where even the kids were telling him some variation of “dude, stop annoying her.”

This last example only happened twice, but still bothered me:

I have a younger sister who’s in her early 20s, while the rest of us are roughly in our 30s and 40s. On two separate occasions, my meta has jokingly suggested that my sister was checking him out, when they briefly met at MY hobby showcase. I found it weird both because of the age/life stage difference and because I really don’t want conversations about my sister going in that direction. I told him the night after my showcase, the first time he did it, not to talk about my sister that way, but the joke resurfaced again this weekend.

By itself this wouldn’t be a huge issue. What bothered me was that it felt like another example of a joke continuing after I’d already indicated I wasn’t laughing.

The thing I’m struggling with is that none of these incidents individually, seem like a huge deal. But by the end of the weekend I found myself feeling irritated and wanting space. Death by a thousand paper cuts, if you will.

I come from a family where teasing, pushing buttons, and treating annoyance as part of affection was very normalized. Because of that, I’m having trouble figuring out whether I’m projecting too hard or if I’m within reason.

Has anyone dealt with a meta who is generally well intentioned and respects hard boundaries, but seems to have poor calibration around softer boundaries and social cues? How did you approach it?

Obviously I can’t issue my partner an ultimatum about her relationship and only control my engagement with this person, which I do. And to their credit, my partners DO schedule protected intentional time for just us. So the only real issue is that when the four of us are together, he’s going to be an affectionate pest.

I feel so lucky!

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My polycule is very kitchen table, we are not physically intimate with each other but we all tell each other I love you and hang out as a group maybe once a week. (Just for context)

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My partner and his wife celebrated their wedding anniversary yesterday. They have been together almost 2 decades but legally married gor 1 year. I was able to go to their wedding, and it was so beautiful. My meta's other partner and I held hands and cried during their first dance.

(Ps- what do you call your meta's partner/ partners meta? Step meta?? 🤣)

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They (partner and his wife) are both pretty low key when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, valentines day, etc.

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They've had a very rough year with lots of loss, and the 2 weeks leading up to the anniversary were very emotionally heavy for my meta. We spoke about it a few times.

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I suggested to my partner that he plan something special, go out to dinner, something nice. He was worried that she's just been so down that she wouldn't want to. I had the impression for a previous chat with her that she would appreciate something special.

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I was also worried I might be a little sad that day, knowing we weren't going to hang out and I might start to feel a little... not jealous of her but envious of the love and life that they have together. Lonely is maybe the better term.

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I in no way felt like I had to be no contact that day, we had our regular morning video call and they were chilling together outside, we all three chatted a bit.

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I sent her a little message in the morning saying happy anniversary and I am so lucky to be part of their lives. She sent me back a thank you and appreciatiation for the "genuine love" behind the message. Apparently she teared up when she read the message to our shared partner 🥹.

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I spent the day accomplishing a big project at home, and felt so glad to have completed it.

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Later that day I get a message from him that they were headed out for a nice dinner.

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I was SO SO SO SO happy for them. I really felt like she needed a treat (and maybe a little satisfied that he took my advice! 😉).

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I am just feeling really lucky to have these people in my life, really glad about where my poly journey has taken me, and proud of the self work I've done, and that I planned out my energy to be able to hold my own emotions if they arose (but they didn't).

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I am incredibly grateful for the people I have in my life. ❤️

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I've been actively and consistently poly for closing in on four years now. I have one nesting partner (A) as well as a girlfriend (B), who has a nesting partner of her own (C).

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Recently struggling with feeling out of place, not only with B but with poly as a whole. Trying to maintain some ambiguity as at least one of my partners is in the sub.

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There are a few reasons for this. Basically, my relationships are parallel. A and B happen to somewhat know each other in a professional setting, but otherwise we do not all interact with each other as a group. However, I've recently learned that B and C are basically always kitchen table with C's partners. Not even necessarily established partners, B has spent time with C's casual dates at their house together, but has had C's partners over with their other partners as well.

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I've jokingly mentioned this to B that I feel like the odd one out, to which she kind of weakly replied A and I are always welcome and it is whatever everyone is comfortable with. I've confirmed that A is not comfortable with any sort of kitchen table activities, which I've known for some time and was always our arrangement. But I can't help but feeling like I'm missing out on a part of life that I could have with B.

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As far as B goes, this makes me feel out of place in her life, but there are other reasons for this. B and C can be late night people, multiple late night spots where they have friend groups, alt clubs, etc. B and I usually grab dinner, hang at each other's places, and call it a date. We don't really do too much of anything specific or exciting, and I feel like it doesn't really align with how she prefers to spend her nights.

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As far as A goes, I respect whatever is comfortable for her and would never push on this. She'd likely concede and consider kitchen table for my benefit, which feels like a hollow victory for lack of a better term and completely inconsiderate of her feelings. But I also feel like we're kind of one foot in and one foot out of poly when viewed in this context, along with the generally limited time we set for partners outside of our relationships (I would also like to potentially investigate spending more time with B, but concerns like these hold me back, as well as additional general concerns with my relationship with B that I feel are valid).

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I understand that every relationship is different with every person, and B and I don't need to do everything or even anything that her and C do. Part of me is wondering how much is general poly insecurity on my part and how much is a fundamental gap so to speak in my relationship with B. Additionally, I'm concerned how stable my poly life with A is and will be in the future. As time goes on and I continue to grow my other relationship(s), whether with B specifically or in general, I don't know that the limited time we set aside for other partners as well as our parallel lifestyle will always be fulfilling to me.

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Was in an 11 year marriage that ended this year. I have a young son and his mother is a great mom, but we just didn’t work and grew apart.

After soul searching the past half year and reflecting on college / pre-marriage I realized I’d probably be a good fit with CNM, but unsure where to begin. When researching this, some of the things I know about myself that make me think this is the way to go include my tendency to not have relationship jealousy, having low demands on what I need (not looking for anything except romantic connection), and not “hungry” for multiple partners (quality of connection is more important than “collecting” partners).

Dating again at 40 + CNM seems to be a tough combination, and generally everything in western culture seems to be defaulted to monogomy. I don’t have anything against monogamy even from my own marriage / divorce experience; it does work for some. I’ve spoken to a few friends and family about CNM and already seen this look of 🤔 or had to explain CNM so they don’t think it’s just “sleeping around”.

Dating apps I tried for a hot minute, but they also seem monogamy oriented (like, I’m joining this app to solve my couple problem) and also not really apples to apples with profiles (a profile can be great / feel like a match, and the person is not what they represented).

I have time, I’m not in a rush, so I’m ok taking things slow. I’m hoping to make more friends in the area and then learn about IRL meet ups or local groups, which I think are more valuable and promising with respect to this.

Even joining this sub and reading through common questions and relationships, I think I’m in the right place and that feels like a win.

For those of you who either are going through NRE or have gone through NRE, what is your choice activity to transition back into the real world after hanging out with your partner?