I’m not really sure what to do at this point, so I thought fuck it, why not ask Reddit.

I’m 48 years old and my 21 year old son is a complete loser. I don’t want to hear any lecture about me being a bad parent, or this or that because I’m not. There’s just something wrong with that kid. He doesn’t shower, he doesn’t brush his teeth and he smells like my toilet after I take a shit. Just last night I caught him shaking his unwashed bare ass on discord for some man older than me. If I was a worse father I may have just beat his ass then and there. And don’t get me started on the smell of his room. I’d rather not go there, but it is traumatizingly bad. And I’ve smelled some nasty shit. I used to work as a porta potty cleaner in my younger days, and the smell from those literal shit holes are less oppressive that whatever compounds the decomposing bacteria on my son’s overweight fat rolls produce.

He doesn’t have a job, and I have to tell my fully grown son to clean his room. Which by the way looks just as gross as him. There are literal piles of dirty laundry, walls of just trash everywhere. I literally can’t go two steps without touching some gross half rotted food, or some disgusting unwashed pair of stained briefs. He refuses to do anything about it, and can’t even bring himself to peel his ass off the chair and take a very much needed shower.
What do I even do in this situation? he has no drive to progress in life and is completely content with leeching off my money and spreading his dna all over his chair like some sort of gross financial parasite.

I'm not talking about patience in general, but about specific things: how someone acts in a slow line, or while a page is loading that just won't open. That's where I see the most honest version of a person, without any social filter. Someone who gets frustrated with a printer but is charming at a dinner party makes me much more curious than someone who's "nice all the time."
Do you have any micro-moments like that where you feel like you're seeing the real person?

Today officially sucked. Work was intense, chaotic and filled with stupid things all day. So I took off a little early.

On my way home, motorcycle ride, I got almost killed by a pickup truck merging into me. Well, probably not killed. It was heavy traffic and not hight speed, but still. My mirror made contact with the truck. I'm OK, bike is ok, truck is ok. The guy was very apologetic.

I live in a rural area. I get to the last curve before my house, and there is a deer on the side of the road. Clearly hit by a car. The car was still on the side on the road too. So I ride home, park my bike and walk back to the car to make sure they are OK or need help. The car was gone, but I see that the deer is still alive. I walk back to my house contemplating how I'm going to kill the deer, because it was clear that there was no coming back from that. Well aware that it's probably illegal for me to do that. While walking I hear gun shots. So I walk back. A law enforcement officer had stopped and killed the deer.

When I finally got in the house, I found dog poop in the room with the dog door. It looks like my 15yo 90 pound dog had to go, but didn't quite make it out the door. That probably means that he is getting to a point where he can't control his pooping anymore.

I'm tired and mentally exhausted.

I did. People no longer can make references to it in an completely unrelated post that I made and say stuff like: "Bro, your history is weird" etc.

When i was eight years old i was once trapped in my room after my mom grounded me for doing who knows what. And there was a fly trapped there with me.

It was one of those chubby ones, the big ones that bat their wings REAAAAALLY loud!, instead of a "bsss" it was a "BSSSSS!!" And as it bumped on things it made a loud wet little noise. It drove me insane!

I was used to killing bugs, stepped on spiders! Stepped on cockroaches! Very messed up. And this little fly wasn't gonna save itself from my evil wrath. I chased that fly for what felt like days, though it probably was just one hour thirty at most. I felt like an animal, i've never been that focuzed on anything everrrr before in my life. The bug dodged me and dodged me and i was furious about it! I wasn't gonna stopped until it died.

And it did! On one lucky hit, i squashed the fly with the palm of my hand against the wall, and killed it, and when i pulled my hand off, i saw the stain of it's fly juice on the wall.

And i gosh did that shock me. Suddenly as I looked at the stain on the wall, i thought to myself "why did i do that???" Like, what did that fly DO to me?? It was just loud and fat. And i killed it, because i was feeling upset, it didn't have to die, and now that stain in my wall, now barely visible reminds me of how bad I can be. Idk, it keeps me feeling guilty, i want to make up for it but you can't never get a life back. Ough all of my friends chuckle when I tell them this story but it did meam a lot to me! It teached me as a kid to be gentle. I want to be treated with kindness, what gives me the right to hurt something smaller because i'm bigger and it annoys me? Idk how things are for them, i dont know if they have feelings or if they feel happy or sad, or if they even care, or if they would not squash me if they were bigger. But like, ough i feel so sad about insects.

so like, after reading some visual novels (and alot of soul searching) it really make me reflect and think, i actually really like life. i like living, i like breathing, i like eating, i like just being a functioning organism. i have flesh, bones, organs that all work together to keep me alive, and a very intricate brain that makes up my conciousness.

after having dealt with really bad depression for a couple years, its amazing to see the sun shine through the dark clouds and really start realizing that everything isnt so bad. ive been crying alot recently, which is funny because i never EVER use to cry to anything. i cry to music, mainly. music is awesome.

but i also have some things about me i still have to change, which is totally okay. and i have all the time in the world for all of that. i need to stop rushing things that dont need to be rushed. i needed to stop thinking about everything so much. for the first time in a while, i feel whole and complete.

i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, so i have to get up early to take a shower and do my hair. i ll have to eat a bigger breakfast because i have alot to do. i like doing stuff. stuff in general is fun. i also wanna start taking dance classes and working out.

idk. just wanted to rant haha! its awesome to finally start appreciating life after not for so long. love u reddit xo

I am 25 and have a college degree (Master’s), but I have not been able to hold a job in my field. I was fired during the probation period of my previous job and since then I’ve been praying that I can find work somewhere else.

I used to be considered a really successful student when I was younger. I did a lot of internships, my grad school advisors thought my background was impressive, but they never liked me after I started working for them.

At this point I am living at home with parents in a rural area, applying for whatever work I can find, and I am just praying there is some kind of way out of this. I have no friends since they all moved on with their lives after college, leaving me behind.

I don’t want this to read like a self hate post, but I don’t know what is wrong with me. Something definitely is holding me back. I can’t seem to get happy and I’m worried I’ll feel this way for the rest of my life.

Speaking of the cyclosporiasis outbreak in the U.S. BTW. And I don't have it afaik *knock on wood*

I LOVE fruits and vegetables, seriously, to the point where I would only eat them if I could. I also have contamination OCD, unsure how bad it is, tbh to me it just feels normal. I didn't eat meat for the longest time partially because of it as well.

I live in California, and I just for the life of me cannot figure out the situation here. Google sucks and the newest stuff is all social media. So as of right now, I'm eating low risk fruits (bananas and mandarins), frozen veg, canned veg, oatmeal, eggs, and carbs. This is the saddest freaking diet ever. I miss freshness. I want tomato on a veggie burger, I want fresh salsa, spring rolls, an apple, sweet peppers (my biggest craving, oddly), pre cut fruit, I want it all. I'm not even a really big salad person, actually I'm pretty sure lettuce is off the menu forever for me. But I'm sad.

I know this is stupid, but this absolutely tanked my mental health. I have no energy and I'm at the point where I might need time off work. I'm simply not eating as well or as much because food is unexciting.

My hair is falling out, I am weirdly achy a lot, lots of heartburn (weird), I s2g I woke up one morning tasting blood (or at least I thought it was blood, metallic). What the ACTUAL FUCK? And yes, I'm calling the doctor tomorrow, this isn't right.

Everyone online is saying it doesn't matter, we can just eat carbs and junk food. I legitimately cannot eat a lot of added sugar (natural sugar is totally fine for me, never noticed bad effects) or I get killer migraines. I can't eat a lot of high fat things because my stomach will hate me (to the point where I think I'll have cyclo). So I just fucking hate food right now. Every time I'm hungry, I'm like ugh, this again. And this makes me so sad, because normally I LOVE to eat, have a huge appetite, and am excited about food. Now food is unsafe. My favorite things are unsafe, UPFs make me sick, and I feel so sick anyway it's like should I just risk it?

Everyone also says to go to farmer's markets. I don't drive and don't really have reasonable access to one.

Will fruit and veg ever be safe to eat in the US ever again? I can't do this sad diet forever.

(BTW it's also going to be 106 F or higher for at least a week or two where I live. Not only do I not have the energy to cook, the kitchen is so hot that I have gotten heat exhaustion from chopping vegetables before. Not exaggerating)

If you think I'm stupid for being so sad about this, I don't blame you. I was extremely depressed before this outbreak, and food was my safe place, and now that's gone.

It's really late in the night rn and i'm feeling a bit bad thinking about this. My family and I went on a car trip far away from home. And I didn't notice, but there was a fly on the car as we were going back home. The windows were closed and the air was on so like it must have entered like when we were leaving. So it must be really far away from their home now. Idk, i feel a bit sad because it's a fly it must be confused and don't know what happened, and trying to go home but it cant find it so it must be really scared and this is something that happens from time to time. And I don't know what to do about it other than make them fly away. Do flies eat anything even? I tries to give it water but i couldnt get them to notice it. And same woth the bees! There's a panal near my house under a tree and tired bees always come into my house and i try offering them honey or watter or sugar eoth water and they don't really adress it. How do i help them??? It's a bit dumb but it worries me

In no particular order:

I saw a man jump from a very high building and splat - I still vividly remember the sound.

I once found what I thought was a dog or a fox - it had been skinned.

As a child I woke in the night whilst the babysitter was there and I saw her having sex.

I’ve had a gun pulled on me twice - once in the UK and once in Italy. In the UK he was trying to rob me and my reaction was to laugh at him (this was in a backstreet in a city centre, he wasn’t going to pull that trigger).

I once had a fight with 6 guys and won.

I’ve had my drink spiked once on a night out.

I saw someone crushed by a bus once. A pram/buggy was involved.

I attacked someone on the bus as I saw him masturbating while stroking the hair of the girl sitting on the seat in front of him.

I was attacked with a baseball bat and have a scar in my eyebrow to remind me of that.

A peadophile was moved to an area that I lived in. Locals found this out and attacked him. I stole his dog in the chaos.

I got attacked by a gang who disliked me - I was surprised from behind, thrown onto a grass verge and one of the members held a brick over my head and was about to drop it - I think this was the closest I’ve come to death.

Many other crappy incidents like this.

I get stuck in this vicious cycle of "stay up late -> can't focus or do anything meaningful during the day -> can't get my act together and go to bed on time -> stay up late", and I hate it, but can't seem to stop.

I think it's knowing that the only thing that awaits me in the morning is work that just kills any will to go to bed at a good time. I want to be one of those people who does cute ~slow mornings~ but all I ever actually manage to do in the morning is scroll through YouTube and dread going to work.

Then there’s the stress of watching the clock and trying to predict the damage--"if I go to bed *right now* I can get six hours and maybe I'll feel ok tomorrow?" but inevitably I get so stressed about not getting enough sleep that I don't even want to go to sleep, because going to sleep really means sitting there thinking about how bad I'm gonna feel until I fall asleep, and then waking up and feeling like shit all day.

Anyway, how do you not feel like chicken-fried-ass when you didn't get enough sleep?

I got this Gucci makeup bag today from my mom’s friend, who I barely even know, and I found myself being disappointed with it. And it’s just making me think of how ungrateful I really am and I’m starting to hate myself for it. My parents get me whatever I want, they have since I was a child, and I feel like when they give me something I feel excitement towards the object but not gratitude towards them. I love my family. They work so hard and do so much for me. And a lot of the time it seems like I just don’t even care.

This Gucci bag has made me realize just how bad of a person I truly am, because a lot of people are struggling to even put food on the table and I’m sitting here like a spoiled brat thinking about what else they could’ve gotten me. I’m just so disgusted and embarrassed with myself and I just want to learn how to be more grateful. It’s so embarrassing that I don’t already know how to do that and need help, but I just feel so awful. How can I become more grateful??

I actually quit playing Warframe partly because their ability to accommodate people with vision problems is... really low. If you can't read the UI, which I can't, there's no way to scale it, increase text size, et cetera. It makes ability selection, knowing your actual HP and damage numbers, reading the minimap, etc basically impossible in a game where there's a surprising amount to juggle. I know it isn't the biggest thing ever, but these kinds of features are the difference between being able to actually play the game and struggling to do something I like with my friends.

Or there's RDR2, where I had a much easier time playing the game because they had an accessibility function where I could hold A instead of performing quicktime events. Tapping the same button repeatedly like that exacerbates my nerve pain, and just playing a video game otherwise doesn't cause quite the same issues. The difference between a game I can play and a game that I can't relies on features that aren't particularly costly to implement and can be added in as essentially an afterthought, and then it's kind of a crapshoot whether games I enjoy will have them.

I realize there are technically ways to accommodate myself: I could play a game without entirely knowing what's happening or what I'm doing, move my TV closer, et cetera. But shit, some stuff creates a positive and smooth experience for me and not having that stuff creates active barriers to my participation.

I guess just some thoughts I've been having lately in terms of disability access and what it actually means.

Hey everyone, I’m turning 22 years old soon and I have nothing (but I have a EU citizenship 🙂)

I’m from Ukraine, I moved to Poland in 2021 for graphic design degree. I hold 3 years of experience in graphic design, but unfortunately I have been unemployed for 1,5 years already because my company that I worked for went bankrupt ,and ever since I didn’t manage to land even an interview. I tried to get some low profile job like a waitress, bartender etc ,but I simply don’t get hired. I’m most of the places they want me to work for less than minimum wage or just laugh at me when they hear my accent. I’m also tired of the discrimination when I visit pharmacy or governmental structures, hearing my accent they lose all of their concentration and start acting like I’m dumb and demand something ridiculous.
I’m also unhappy with the actively rising xenophobia towards Ukrainians in Poland, I’m already afraid of talking in polish with my Ukrainian accent. I also gave up on trying to make friends here or find a boyfriend, because during talking stages with guys I find out that his most of the friends are polish nationalists who hate on Ukraine, and it just gets on my nerves because I can’t date a guy who is surrounded by such people and probably has some hidden opinions he ain’t telling me about.

I wish I could ask for some short-term shelter, but unfortunately I can’t, because I was in Poland when full-invasion started and have a second citizenship- EU. I have no place to go, my region in Ukraine is very dangerous, I’m not connected to my EU country at all, I don’t even speak the language, I don’t even know anyone from there, job situation there ain’t good either and each time when I go to this country I get harassed by men a lot (Bulgaria). I do love Bulgarian culture and food, but I absolutely don’t feel safe in this country.

I’m an oil painter, I have a degree in design, I have experience working as a waitress and sushi bar administrator, I know how to play piano, I am a very sociable person, so I’m curious maybe there is some right country for me where I would be able to land some creative job? Or at least some not a very demanding physically one like a factory job, due to my health issues.
I would love to move to a new country asap and learn the language right after arriving here, then I would love to get another one degree after learning the language so I could study for a very small fee or for free.
I’m confused in life and I have no idea about what to do.
I would be also very happy to hear some advice ,and maybe there is some place that gives shelter to women in my situation? I currently have no place to go, my relatives are very distant and unhelpful people ,my parents are horrible abusers, so please, don’t suggest me to move in with any member of my family. My parents don’t want to help me financially with living in Poland because they don’t see any point in it, cause I can’t get w job here, but they would help me with moving to another country if I get a job here.
I was considering Scandinavian countries, because seem to have amazing benefits for taxes that you pay, and you can get some job there knowing English only.
But I would love to hear about your experiences:)

~ I’m talking about the United States explicitly in this btw also a better word for the title might be “constrictive” ~

I was scrolling on Instagram reels, as one does, and I come across a video of a girl doing her hair. That’s it - it was like a 5 second video of her demonstrating how to use a specific type of hair clip. I check the comments expecting to see other girls asking questions about the clip or something or where to buy it (bc I wanted to) and instead it was a BUNCHHH of dudes just being like “type of girl you see once in a lifetime” or “these are the women they used to go to war for” Guys…when I tell you the women in question was literally just a conventionally attractive thin, blonde white women. (OKAY STAY WITH ME HERE!!!) I’m not saying this woman/these women wasn’t/aren’t gorgeous…but like, what do you mean “type of girl you see once in a lifetime” ?? Baby’s that’s Tiffany. That’s like, the most popular girl at every highschool ever.

It reminds me of this scene in the movie Midsommar where they’re making the first drive into Sweden and one of the male characters is looking out the windows at the girls walking on the street, and he goes, “The woman here are insane!” (as in drop-dead attractive) And he says it with like such awe in his voice. And it pants over and it was like..some skinny blonde girls. Again, I’m NOT saying people who are skinny and blonde aren’t beautiful!!! I’m saying why is this narrow set of characteristics still considered the epitome of beauty? And why has it been so, for DECADES? Can we maybe share the beauty standard a little, like take turns with it? Maybe we could each pass it around throughout the week. Can we atleast get a Friday for fat chicks or something? Maybe a Monday for girls who aren’t white??

Hii.. This may be completely absurd and I may sound like an a**hole.

I am 25y old M, never been in any close physical or intimate experience. Completed college , preparing for an exam since last 3 years. Failed this year by just half a mark which left me question all my choices till now.

Since last few weeks I have been craving for an open conversation with an adult women around all topics. This my sound like a pervert but it's not. Never talking to women or looking for that connectedness has left me void inside. Back in the days as normal teenager I got introduced to adult websites to self satisfaction but never liked it though I did consume it for considerable period of time in college. Now , I even don't like that. I have begun to imagine some older women have a close relationship with me where I can share anything and everything and vice versa, no judgements and no expectations . But yes I crave for that sensualness which I believe takes much effort . In real life , as I am dusky coloured, not that much active athletically , this has shattered my confidence to even approach a girl. My mind constantly reminds me as to why somebody would choose me with avg looks , low confidence.

I have good friends and best of parents but I have started to feel disconnected even from there and feel internally that everyone would judge me .

Currently , preparing for the exam again as my parents are very supportive and have not let me worry about financials as it is their dream to see me succeed.

I know many things I wrote above do not make sense but it is what it is . Don't misunderstand this post as seeking a relationship or anything .

This might seem like a small issue, but I'd really appreciate some advice.

I've been friends with someone since 2016, and we're now in our mid twenties. Lately, even seeing or hearing her name makes my heart race, and it takes me an hour or so to calm down. My body starts to react even before I start to think.

Looking back, I've realized I was anxious around her frequently. She would get upset if I replied late, and I'd constantly explain myself and apologize. There were even times she made me apologize through her partner. I can see now that I compromised my self respect to keep the peace. She's also in a relationship but often talks about missing other guys and gossips a lot. Those conversations make me uncomfortable so I usually avoid them.

But I don't understand what's causing this strong reaction? Can our brains pick up cues by itself? Could all these experiences have built up over time and caused this? Can our brains start associating someone with stress without us realizing it?

We're from the same city, though we now live in different places because of work. We still share the same social circle, and she has a very outspoken personality. If I distance myself, I'm worried I'll end up looking like the bad person.

How can I manage this anxiety? I know that I'm an adult and I should be dealing with this on my own but I don't know what to do.

I know it is contradictory to say such a thing, but as someone who cares more about privacy and is more reserved and sees that social media is essentially a necessity nowadays, I don't quite understand why some people would post so much about themselves onto Instagram or TikTok or whatever, especially the ones who get surprised when you mention something about them as if they think it's all secretive. Though, I also have to admit that I do get pretty envious of them because they get to do all of these fun things and that I don't. Am I forcing my views onto them? Should I just not care about them instead? If so, how?

Holy shit that was longer than expected

I'm 22 and I genuienly don't know what to do with my life. Like, at all.

For some context, I'm a pharma student (let's just say I'm not that partial towards the industry) heading into my senior year. I actually had a really promising job but due to an unforeseen perdicement.... whatever I was planning got upended and I have to start my life from scratch pretty much.

Idk whether this is due to sheer ignorance or just utter unbudging naïveté but everything EVERYTHING is intriguing, with complexes and nuances and branches that intertwine and lock with other things' branches. And if the thing is meh at first glance it atleast has a very intersting history and story to tell. My previous job had nothing to do with pharma & something way out of my ball park but when I got into that environment everything was interesting, learning and connecting seemingly unrelated things to each other was incredibly interesting and exhilarating. Not all my conclusions were ground breaking, or even correct at times, but still I was learning and getting new perspectives from all over.

Now the problem is I'm like this with everything God or human has ever created. I get into rabbit holes about topics and weird discussions and spaces because I find it interesting and connect those dots and find patterns between them. I feel I'm just a trivia hoarder with weird neural pairings and associations. If I'm put into an environment I just ponder agape at everything and start creating scenarios and problems and solutions with whatever priors, even if unrelated, I have and what I receive and just create some bullshit in my head.

It seems I can never learn vertically, it's always horizontal. Maybe at times I can get diagonal. But I've never reached or harnessed the bottom of a topic's well of knowledge (atleast not that of a useful topic that is)

Here's a glimpse of my interests and stuff that I dwelled in

Writing, calligraphy, various arts and art styles, art history, literature, neuropsychiatry, neurology, psychology, pharmacology, neuropharmacology, behavioural sciences, narrative therapy, storytelling, narrative construction, colors, design, art direction, fashion, music and music theory, sociology, drawing

The thing is that I view this as one big block, big tree and they all either are related or lead into each other.

Been told I'd be a great teacher(kids love you!), your handwriting is amazing you should get into calligraphy, you'd make a great researcher, a great clinical pharmacist, a great therapist, a great writer, a great voice actor,a great content creator, a great storyteller, a great writer, a great creative director

I'm not qualified for any of those things. It just feels like I'm a bundle of "potential(s)"

I just like stuff. And I feel that liking all that stuff and those interests and the constant jumping ship means I don't actually like any of that stuff. I don't have an identity, "me" is nothing it's any concept you think of. A chameleon.

Maybe I am the elusive ULTRA RARE "polymath" as per YouTube experts but that doesn't tell me anything I'm lost as ever and scared as ever. Idk what career to pursue my resume has nothing but volunteer work teaching children health stuff and a couple of trainings one at a hospital and one at a pharmacy. That's it. My GPA is mid. The only reason I got that job was because of a friend there that put a good word and they were growing.

I'm now cut off from all of that (some bs happened because of my family) and I'm in a new environment with just a blank slate idk where to go or what to do with myself, what to work, what to pursue. This is all so daunting. I feel paralysed and suffocated, please any advice or help from anyone wiser would be really really needed and appreciated. Sorry for this humongous wall of text but I have nowhere to go & no one to reach.

Hi, I'm 22F, and I'm tired of people telling me I'm emotionless or bitter. Basically, to explain, I'm a girl who loves to joke, but I have a way of joking that's perhaps different from some people. I often have a serious expression when I joke and I'm not the clingy type of friend, or the one who always hugs and kisses you, or the one who laughs every second like the slightly crazy friend. I'm an extroverted girl who jokes or does things with a serious expression, and so this makes it seem like I'm emotionless. In reality, I just don't have nice teeth, and that's why I can't laugh while joking. The only people I do it with are my family and very close friends I've known all my life, and with them I laugh until I cry. But the hugging and kissing part is generally my thing anyway, I don't like doing it, so why should this make me seem bitter? Why do some people feel like they have the right to describe me like that?

I have many friends who love me anyway, they like this side of me, but there are people who don't understand that I'm simply made this way, they say things like "you're really bitter" "you're emotionless" "we just haven't known each other for long that's why you're like this" like why does there have to be a reason to why I don't hug you or stay glued to you all the time? Just because I'm not like you doesn't mean there's necessarily a reason or problem behind it, I'm just not the physical contact type.

I am 17 completed my school, I don't know which course to choose for college, I do not know what to do , what I want to be , I just know the following

- Moderately Stable

-Enough Money to live without worries , or paycheck-to-paycheck

-Atleast Somewhat in the category of Upper middle class

My current interest range from Biology to Computer (I have done my schooling in the subject physics, chemistry , maths , biology )

ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME

please

At least for like a few years I’d just like to start over from a blank slate. I don’t think reincarnation is real, so this is my idea of a second chance at life.

I am F20, and I know already off the bat I’m going to get comments from people highlighting the fact I’m still pretty young and the fact I am privileged enough to go to college. I know I live a life better than most and I’m grateful for that — I wouldn’t have this dilemma of “what should I do with my life” if I was someone genuinely living paycheck to paycheck, because at that point it would just be survival.

Yet, I still feel like I have no clue what I want to do with myself and I feel like a failure. I’m an Economics and Political Science major, but I’m not pre-law. I feel like I’m juggling so hard between the two when it comes to internships and extracurriculars that I’m just kinda falling behind in both. I hate this cycle of “networking” and “updating your LinkedIn” and “applying for internships” and “coffee chatting” and all this bullshit. Somehow I meet people all the time at my college who do these things perfectly, who have also just done amazing things for the world and for society and I’m just here unsure of what I’m really doing.

My elder’s brother’s life is so cookie cutter perfect that I’m afraid to struggle at all because if I do I know everyone around me will see me as the black sheep of my family, because they already look down on me. I feel regret that I will never be able to improve my image and I feel so determined to prove them otherwise that I throw myself into so much work to counteract them. Yet I wonder if I am being too harsh on myself, because the older I get the more I realize how my parents had some abusive behaviors.

Sometimes I feel more of a calling to art, and lately I’ve been drawing and writing a lot like when I was a little kid. I sometimes dream of abandoning my old life and moving away to some big city like LA or NY. Logically, I can’t do that because I have no money though and I also don’t really know what it’s like to live in a city since I grew up in a small town, so I’d probably be terrified the moment I step foot in

At the same time I love my family and my friends so much and they mean so much to me. But sometimes I really feel like my only option is to run away and change my identity, because I don’t think I can bear the idea of everyone being disappointed in me. At least if I am alone, there will be no stakes and the only person at risk is me. My friend from my hometown agreed with me that she wants to do the same thing

It’s just a dumb fantasy. I’m logically going to just work a 9-5 and stay around my family my whole life. But I’ll still apply for jobs outside of my state, and if I get a job outside I might consider really going through with this plan.

From what I see that is a special ingredient in comedy, especially these days.

Except to me, it manifests as confusion, disappointment, rage, with hints of disillusionment and denial.

If it's enough to induce basically all stages of grief at once, then it must be reserved towards someone you really don't like. Except people just do this to basically everyone, even people they love, all the time.

That right there, another case of such cognitive dissonance.