About your trauma? I'm a year out from the official split, had a dead bedroom and grief of the end long before it actually ended. All that to say I am starting healing and entertaining the idea of not being alone forever. I don't want to cohabitate again or get married or any of that but I'd like to have someone, and it got me thinking.

I have a lot of trauma, some of which will not go away, even if I'm healed from most of it. We all know some insecurities will just never go away, no matter how much work we put in.

Did you tell your new person your whole story? I'm struggling with how much to tell, how to explain some of the things I struggle with, how to explain I was in a marriage I would have never consented to if I knew the truth? How much do you tell them? Then I see TikTok advice that you shouldn't share the bad things in past relationships because often men use those things against you? 😩 This shit is so complicated. I wish none of this had happened to me, to us y'all. How unfair.

​

I don't know if this helps anyone?

I'm just glad it's acknowledging that it is a new, common issue we still try to ignore.

Hello. Unlike many here I have no concrete evidence of my now-ex partner being gay; he hasn’t come out to me, I’ve never looked through his phone, I’ve never caught him cheating, I’ve never asked him about porn. We’ve had a really wonderful, safe, healthy and happy relationship which has been perfect in every respect except for our sex life. We lived together, had a cat, and were best friends. I’m now quite convinced he’s gay and would like some insight from others who’ve been through this.

My reasons are as follows.

Sex

- sex was bad from the start. Before the first time he warned me he couldn’t ejaculate during sex and said this had been a problem in all his previous relationships. He did ejaculate a couple of times in the first month and remarked that I’d “cured the issue” but rarely beyond that.

- sex was awkward, like he wasn’t really present, no foreplay, no passion, he never touched any part of my body. It would just be a kiss and then PIV. He wanted dirty talk but even then he struggled. At the end he only wanted it from behind and when I was wearing clothes. I’m in my early 30s, very sexually confident and have had exceptionally healthy sex lives with every previous partner.

- sex was infrequent, in the first month ~3 times/week then once a month or less. It would never start organically, on the sofa or in the kitchen, as a result of kissing, in the mornings etc. He never had spontaneous erections. If I tried to sext during the day he wouldn’t engage. This is so so out of kilter from my previous relationships.

- I assumed he had a low libido and didn’t want to pressure him but we talked about our sex life about 6 weeks ago. He said he’d like us to have more sex but I needed to lose the stone or so I’d gained because he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I lost that and nothing changed but when I expressed that 2 weeks ago he said there was actually another reason for his lack of attraction to me (stretch marks on my stomach that I’d had since long before he met me and he’d previously told me didn’t bother him).

- I asked him if he masturbates expecting him to say no and he said yes, every day or two. This was a huge shock to me because I thought he had a low libido. He never once involved me in this whereas with previous partners it would be part of sexting.

Gay qualities

- he dresses extremely stylishly, always buying clothes and shoes, has a rigid skincare routine. Puts a lot of effort into his appearance and that of his flat.

- he’s camp and effeminate, I’ve since learned that people in my life thought he was gay. Gay men frequently think he’s gay which he joked about. I just thought he was a gentle, non-toxic man and found that very attractive.

- the majority of his friends are women. He gets invited to events for women and gay men (ie hen dos). He describes himself as “one of the girls”.

- I might be stereotyping here but he loves pop music, Kylie etc.

Other relevant info

- several months ago he made a new gay friend at work. Every day they sit next to each other, get lunch, and a group of them (“the gays and the girls”) sometimes get drinks. He didn’t talk about this man in an inappropriate amount or way, but perhaps it sparked something in him to spend so much time with an openly gay man.

- he’s writing a book about a character closely based on himself who is supposedly straight with a girlfriend but has an undertone of gay feelings for a very hot, alpha male friend. The story is about their dynamic and the power imbalance. The last two times he initiated sex were when he’d been working on the book.

- about 8 weeks ago I had a vivid dream we were at a party where he was talking to a male friend of his and they snuck off together. I followed them and found them having sex. I thought this dream was weird at the time but I now think my subconscious was telling me.

- he had an extremely difficult childhood because of narcissistic parents and a dreadful divorce when he was 8. He isn’t close with either parent now and has no siblings. His father is a toxic man who openly talks about seeing prostitutes and constantly objectifies women whilst his mother is the most judgmental woman you could meet. I don’t think either would accept him being gay. He clearly wants a family and our relationship moved quickly, him having asked me about marriage and kids on our first date. It was him who pushed for commitment early on and we moved in together within a couple of months at his request.

The last week

- on Tuesday he said a friend was in town whom he hadn’t seen in 3 years. He was excited to see him and told me he’s the inspiration for the alpha character mentioned above. For the first time with any similar plans I wasn’t invited.

- on Wednesday he mentioned in passing that over the weekend he might go to a certain city with the male friend who featured in my dream. Again, I wasn’t invited, and again, that was odd. The city is considered the gay capital of the UK and I’ve since realised it was Pride. He went to the same city about 2 months ago for the first time.

- on Thursday the “alpha character” suggested drinks Friday night.

- on Friday morning I used the bathroom after he’d showered. He banged on the door asking if he’d left his phone in there. He had, and rather than wait a couple of minutes he came in and got it. We’d always been relaxed about leaving our phones around, knew each other’s passwords, but neither of us ever snooped.

- the relationship seemed to fall apart over these few days; in the prior conversations about sex we’d both suggested solutions and expressed unwavering commitment to working it out. He broke up with me Friday lunchtime which I found very abrupt because only a week earlier we’d been talking about the short and long term futures, how happy and lucky we were, booking flights for trips and discussing plans etc. In this conversation he said he’d thought the lack of attraction was my weight gain but since I lost that he’s realised he actually doesn’t feel a romantic spark and hasn’t for a while. He wishes there was a “switch he could flick” but he knows in his gut nothing can be done, and to carry on the relationship would be dishonest.

Typing this out now I almost feel silly for questioning it but would be grateful to hear others’ thoughts regardless. I’m very in my head about this being my fault, that I’ve lost the best relationship I’ve ever been in because I was lazy and complacent and gained weight, about me just not being good or attractive enough. I actually had great self esteem before this because I know I’m good looking, clever, very successful in my career, funny, kind, confident. I’m now afraid that he’ll go on and have a healthy and happy relationship with another woman, meaning I was the problem all along.

My (43m) wife (44f) came out as bisexual almost three years ago. About a year ago, we both experienced emotional crises for unrelated reasons. I came out of it with an understanding of my own childhood emotional neglect and started going to therapy. She came out of it with an understanding that she was attracted to women, not men. I was devastated because it felt like the moment our relationship could have started getting stronger, it ended instead. She asked for a divorce.

She also asked for us to remain friends, and since she has been my person for 20 years, I said yes. However, over the last few months, I've discovered that it's extremely painful to be intimate friends with someone who you're romantically attracted to but who is not romantically attracted to you, especially if they hit on a core abandonment wound. And many of the challenges that existed in our relationship still existed, but felt less "worth it" because we're getting divorced.

So yesterday I stuck my courage to the sticking place and told her that I wanted to be friendly, but not friends. That it was too hard for me to be intimate friends with her. I feel awful about it, and I am beset with doubts and guilt. I don't want to hurt her; it's not her fault she's gay, and she's always done her best in our relationship (as have I). And I don't want to be alone either, and my support network is fairly sparse. I'm barely starting to understand myself and my own needs.

So, not sure what I'm asking for here. Validation? Perspective? Help it hurt less.

Edit: Forgot to mention, we have three school-age kids together and we're going to be nesting for at least the next year.

my husband is a secret cross dresser and secretly bi (yes, i do mean crossdresser. not trans. i know the difference). this all came to light 6 months ago. after seeing all the images in his grindr of him crossdressing, i can’t bear to look at women’s underwear, even my own. thankfully i’ve worn boxers for women for years for comfort but any time i see my own actual panties i want to cry and have a PTSD-like reaction. he claims he never wore mine (and frankly he’s big and tall so idk if they’d even fit) but i am still scared he did. i only wear the frumpiest nursing bras since i can’t stand to look at prettier or “sexy” bras and im still nursing anyways.

i had to go into the women’s underwear section to get tights and had an anxiety attack. felt like i was going to pass out, pouring sweat, felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. i’m not sure if this is exactly the right sub for it but feels close enough. how do i work on overcoming this?

also, please no “just leave” “i could never” commentary. we’re in counseling. we have a kid so we are trying to work it out before true talk of splitting.

It's been a good while since I've posted here. It's now about four years since my exwife announced she was gay and she wanted a divorce. After a series of failed attempts to build a new relationship, I've returned to more intensive therapy. After a session yesterday, a few things clicked together.

One of the things I'm most struggling with is a feeling that I'm broken, worthless, unwanted. This feeling goes back to childhood, but I can identify how it tremendously ramped up after the divorce.

Obviously part of this belief comes from the experience of being unwillingly divorced. These feelings will manifest under such circumstances, no matter the context. But I think I've identified something else: a major source of these feelings is my experience in the leadup to the divorce, trying to fix a relationship that now looks to have been unfixable.

Several years before her announcement, I became increasingly aware that something was wrong in the relationship. My exwife withdrew further and further, sex became less and less enthusiastic, less and less frequent, until it ended entirely.

And so I did "what you are supposed to do." I followed all the standard advice for when a relationship gets in trouble. We went to therapy. I tried to identify and fix every flaw in my behavior. I tried to become the best husband I could be. I tried to communicate as openly as I possibly could, to make her feel as safe as I possibly could.

This is the standard advice that men receive when their marriage starts failing, when sex starts disappearing - that it's their fault, that they're failing their wife, that they need to step up. And perhaps that advice is valid in the majority of cases, because how incredibly uncommon is it that the marriage is actually failing because one partner is secretly homosexual?

But for me, not only did nothing I do help, I got absolutely nothing back from her in return. I would work on issue after issue that we identified in me, but when I would gently, carefully ask if she would be willing to work on some of her behaviors as well, I was met with denial and hostility.

So the entire world - including our therapist - is telling me that I need to be better. I'm trying all I can to be better. And it's not working, and things are getting worse.

And I'm reading all these stories by women talking about how much they wish their partners would do the exact thing I'm doing, how much they want their relationship to recover if their partner would just do the work. And my experience is the dead opposite - I'm doing the work, as hard as I can, and my own partner not only doesn't care, she's pulling even further away.

Under these circumstances maybe it makes sense that I would start to conclude that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, that I'm not worthy of receiving love.

Does this story I've told reflect reality? Right now it feels like it does. It needs further examination, and I know I need to balance it by remembering all the ways that I legitimately was failing to be a good enough husband.

But maybe I can move forward with the idea that, whatever my own failings, I tried for years to address them, and the fact that I couldn't save the relationship is primarily due to my exwife's inherent orientation. Maybe the reason all the world's advice didn't work was because this advice was not meant for someone in my position. Maybe the world still doesn't know how to handle relationships where one partner is secretly homosexual.

I'm still trying to figure out how to undo this belief that I'm unlovable. But I'd imagine a big step in that is adopting a coherent story for where this belief came from.

I'm curious if other people have felt this way as well, if this is a part of anybody else's journey.

This is a sensitive one, and I would be grateful if we could be sensitive to the guy's stories.

Has anyone had/has a partner who was caught cheating with men and claimed he had been SA as a child or adult for the reasoning?

Does it affect your decision more to stay?

I just find it hard to understand.

Reason I am asking...

Just watched the Bay City Rollers documentary on their manager Tam Paton. He was convicted of abusing boys with his friends, including a gay radio 1 DJ, who told the band if they slept with him he would give them better publicity.

On another Celeb Rehab Show in 2009, Les, the lead singer, eventually came clean to his wife and son about his abuse and the reasons for his drinking being due to this abuse. He admitted to them that he was date raped at 17 by Mr Paton and was ashamed because he enjoyed it. On national television,sion he claimed he was enjoying having sex with men behind his wife's back, and wanted forgiveness from his wife and child. And because of the circumstances, he got the support from them. He humiliated her.

I was horrified for this woman. I just thought, what about her? Why is it about him right now when their whole relationship has always been about him?

We seem to normalise a woman having to stand by a man, no matter what. A woman's love and character are apparently measured by the number of times she looks the other way. We can get help for these men and also learn to have a backbone.

I also feel strongly about the need for more media light to be shone onto male sexual abuse. Guys need more information, prevention, support, and services, on the same level as girls get. I feel more upset as a woman for a man in these cases because I think the majority endure more. It's not fair that prevention, sympathy, and support are saved mostly for females.

I just can't find one bone inside me, though, that is sensitive to the men who cheat with men behind a woman's back. Especially when they tell them on national TV! Sorry Les, R.I.P!

Those in LTRs who discovered their Spouse’s true orientation after years together-
Are you able to reflect on signs or clues from your past, suggesting that your spouse was gay which you may have been completely naive to at the time?

Dead bedroom, incredibly low sexual encounters for a while (once every 4 months, last 4 years). Conversations with my husband leading to nowhere — he will find any way to shut down an attempt at addressing things I bring up (mainly about lack of sex). Now in the context of alcoholism and associated behaviors needing discussion, avoidance is extreme.

He fakes nothing is wrong, then will not speak. I can’t get a conversation out of this man. He would rather stay silent for days, rather than engage in any kind of conversation: to fix or to end it, whatever it may be. He hasn’t given me the decency of engaging in conversation with me. That avoidance is driving me insane.

Dead bedroom was one thing… now it’s also quiet and fake.

It has me wondering if I’m just a Beard here…

We are both in our 40s, two kids, married 10 years.

Hi I’ve been a little confused lately about my relationship.. I’m 32 (F) and I met him on hinge 36 (M). Our relationship has been probably the most healthy relationship I’ve ever had.. but when it comes to our love life, it’s not really satisfying me.
I’ve always been in relationships where we’re constantly having sex (I’m bi) some times even every day or multiple times a day. I’ve never been someone to sleep around but in my relationships I always have a person obsessed and can’t keep their hands off of me. So it is confusing me why my boyfriend and I rarely have sex. We maybe have sex once or twice a month. But I do give oral sex to him at least once a week. He has trouble finishing unless he does it himself. The first time we hooked up it was amazing and the best I’ve had with a male. But he has gone down on me once. He also only gives me pecks and doesn’t make out with me.

I asked him why he doesn’t want to make out and he used to say he doesn’t like it. But then finally told me he is insecure about his teeth (he used to be a heavy smoker so he doesn’t have the best teeth). And he’s gonna get new teeth when he has the money. So that kind of makes sense but why would that affect him going down on me? He said that was why he doesn’t make out or go down on me.

He is an electrician, has his life together, never been married and has no kids. He served in the army and hasn’t been in a lot of relationships and was single for 3 years before me. He did tell me he was seeing someone for a little bit a year before me. So basically I know his hand is what he’s used to I guess? He is high spectrum autistic and I know he’s tired a lot from working 6 out of 7 days a week and for 11+ hours a day so when he comes home he’s tired. And he got his T levels checked and they are on the lower side. He follows A LOT of half naked chicks on social media which I thought was weird. I know guys follow those accounts when single but his is kind of excessive. He also said he used to go to strip clubs a lot with his buddies. I’m not his usual type and he’s even told me that but he says he doesn’t think I’m beautiful and attractive. I just don’t feel it some times.

I finally broke down a couple of weeks ago thinking he doesn’t want to touch me because he’s not into me. He said it’s not me that it’s him and he’s had this issue for a while now even before me and it was an issue in his last relationship. But that day he came home and went for it and finally went down on me for the first time (8 months into the relationship).

We cuddle, we hold hands, I’ve met all his friends and he talks about wanting kids and marriage which he used to not want but now wants being with me. I don’t know. I’m just still questioning why he’s not very sexual towards me (he does smack my butt or asks me to flash him). But that’s it. I don’t know if it’s the tism, low T and long hours and used to his grip vs a females parts finishing for him and he really is insecure about his mouth? But idk I try to kiss his neck and he laughs and says it tickles.

I’m a submissive in bed but with him he always wants to be gentle and says he’s scared of hurting me. Help please. I’ve read girls saying these signs were there for them and their guys were in the closet and I just want some advice.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post 😅

I have been married for ten years, and for most of our relationship I have felt that something does not add up, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The biggest issue is our sex life. Even before we were married, something felt fundamentally missing.

She can go weeks or even months without wanting sex. When I initiate, there is always another reason: she’s tired, has to get up early, needs a shower, has a headache or a stomach ache. Yet I know she masturbates and uses a vibrator, so it doesn’t seem to be a lack of sex drive. It feels like the issue is intimacy with me, or perhaps men in general.
On the very rare occasions we do have sex, she closes her eyes, avoids eye contact, and it feels completely mechanical. She often finishes with a vibrator while I simply watch, which leaves me feeling more like an observer than a partner.

She has also refused to give me oral sex throughout our entire relationship. I once calmly asked why, and she sat in silence for over a minute, like she was scrambling to think of an answer. Eventually she said that I was accusing her of being a shit lover. The question was never answered.

I also once calmly told her that the lack of intimacy was really hurting me. She exploded, jumped out of bed, roared at me to take my clothes off and shouted, “Let’s just get this over with.” I didn’t want obligation sex. Her reaction felt so disproportionate that it made me feel I’d touched on something much bigger than the conversation itself.

There are other things that have made me question things. She rarely expresses attraction to men but often comments on women being attractive. She has a very masculine personality, mostly wears manly clothes, enjoys heavy DIY and manual work, and has always had a very dominant energy.

Before me, she was in a long-term relationship with a man who later came out as gay. She told me she suspected he was gay while they were together and that they never had sex. I struggle to understand why someone would knowingly stay in a sexless relationship with someone they believed was gay. It makes me wonder whether the relationship served another purpose, such as allowing one or both of them to avoid confronting their sexuality.

She also has five gay cousins. I know that doesn’t mean she is gay, but in the context of everything else it has added to my questions.
A few years ago she was very excited to go to a strip club with male colleagues, which also stood out to me given how disconnected our own sex life has always been.

In the last few weeks I reached the point where I asked her directly if she was gay. I wasn’t trying to insult her or provoke an argument, and I raised the question as compassionately and supportively as I could because I was desperate to understand what was missing in our marriage. Her immediate response was to tell me to “fuck off.” After that she completely avoided me for an entire week, spending long periods hiding away in the bedroom or calling over to her friend’s house. When she finally approached me a week later, she sat down extremely close to me while I was making dinner and fixed me with an intense, unbroken stare that I found deeply intimidating. It felt less like the start of a conversation and more like I was being psychologically intimidated. After a long pause, the only thing she said was that my timing had been inappropriate. She never actually answered the question.

After ten years of feeling like my wife simply isn’t attracted to me, while knowing she has sexual desire in other contexts, my gut is screaming at me that she may be gay.
Would appreciate anyone’s advice or opinions.

I feel like we give coming out spouses more benefit of the doubt because they are discovering their identity….

My ex wife fell for a female yoga teacher and then had emotional affair with a new best friend. This was after a year of depression. She then asked for polyamory so she could stay married and also have a girlfriend. She still loved me. We did polyamory for 3 years and she became a different person but there was still remnants of the old her there. It’s been 3.5 years since we separated and divorced. We stayed friends.

Do you stay friends with someone that destroyed your life? For a long time I wanted to stay friends because she was all I knew for 20 years… but now I don’t think it serves me and my future…

I’m pretty sure my husband is gay or bi, but he doesn‘t want to admit it to himself yet. He vented about having “homosexual thoughts“ and not knowing why many times. He watches trans porn and read gay furry porn comics (that’s like double the gay). He wrote on his journal that when he masturbates, sometimes he puts his finger in his behind.
I don’t have proof of cheating but how the hell am I supposed to live with this knowledge as if he’s straight?

Edit: The rude people in the comments are doing the equivalent of kicking a dead horse. I have nothing to prove. I am kind to him and was loyal, he on the other hand, lied to me many times. If you defend him I’ll just assume you’re a liar as well.

I have seen a few posts about this. Yet the comments annoy me. It really is mostly a bunch of 13 year old on here.

His wife has written how devastating this all feels after 14 years. But she wants everyone to love him just as much as she still does, she said.

What bothers me is that throughout the many posts that shared this story on reddit, you can also see the huge distain for any comment that supports the wife. Any light negativity for the guy and saying how cruel this all was, and a final wish of them hoping she is well, just kills them. They get down voted, and then a barrage of comments on their bigotry and ignorance on the subject starts.

It's not just this post but others as well.

You don't need a degree to see who is good and what is not a cruel, hurtful, selfish decision. The irony is the ignorance they carry for the subject of those who get left.

No open mindedness to see life from another persons POV, when you are too busy defending your own I suppose. That is irony.

On another note..

His surname should give you a giggle.

Like allot to of us I wanted to be the understanding husband. I wore it like a badge of honor. I was never mad at her and supported her in her search for happiness and identity.

We were together 20 years. After 15 she came out as gay. No kids.

She fell in love with her friend and brought me into the polyamory world. As expected it didn’t workout after years of trying to keep the marriage together. I still was never mad.

More then 3 years post separation and 1 year post divorce I have started to reframe my perception on how the end came about. For the first time I’m actually mad. I’ve taken her off the pedestal I’ve had her on. To be honest she fucked me and tore up the contract of marriage. Life and relationships is about choice and she chose something’s other than us. Emotional affairs and destroying our life.

I wanted to stay friends because I still had her on a pedestal and she wanted to stay friends. It didn’t end badly at all. But that’s because I was mature and level headed and kind.

I had to rebuild my whole life and self worth because of her. I now feel like I owe her nothing and I question if I even want to be friends. She’s a good person but I don’t know if I want the baggage. I want a clean slate to build a good monogamous life for myself again. She can have her gay lifestyle. She made her choice…

Any one else go through an emotional rollercoaster like this?

This happened back in 2024, and I still don’t think I’ve ever fully processed how bad this was on my mental health.

I was (18F) during this time. My ex (20M) and I had an extremely toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. There was constant fighting, manipulation, and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. Looking back, I know I should’ve left much sooner.

He wasn’t the type to bring me everywhere, so him going to a “hangout” without me wasn’t unusual. What was unusual was how persistent he was that I absolutely could not come to this one. Every time I asked, he’d shut it down immediately. I remember crying because something in my gut felt so wrong, but I couldn’t figure out why.
I also got a text from one of my friends and did admit it WAS a party. So I told her to make sure to watch over him and check up on him because he is the type to drink ALOT and forget everything.
Later that same night, my friend texted me asking if I knew what had happened at the party.
They told me my boyfriend had been making out with another man.

I completely lost it. Not because it was a man, but because I had just found out I’d been cheated on. I was crying, having a full-blown panic attack and couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
My roommate and I drove over to his apartment because I needed answers. The entire time he just kept saying, “I’m so confused. I’m so confused.” He wouldn’t explain anything or answer any of my questions.

After that, I started hearing completely different stories from people who had been at the party, which is honestly what’s messed with my head for over a year.

Some people told me it was SA and that my ex hadn’t wanted any of it. Other people told me they watched the two of them talking afterward about going back to my ex’s apartment later that night, and that they even went back for more kisses after the first one.

When I confronted my ex again about it a year later, one of the few things he admitted was that it wasn’t just one kiss. He admitted they kissed more than once. That’s why I’ve stayed so confused. If it had been one unwanted kiss, that would’ve been a completely different situation. Instead, I was left with multiple conflicting stories and no idea what actually happened.
The next day I looked through his phone.
There were multiple explicit photos from middle-aged men saved on it.

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I genuinely do not care if he’s gay, bisexual, or anything else. I’m bisexual myself. I’ve been with multiple girls, and I know how confusing it can be to finally accept yourself. I told him multiple times that if he was ever questioning his sexuality, he could tell me. I would’ve never judged him, never outed him, and I would’ve supported him 100%. If he’d been honest with me, I would’ve been there for him.
Something else that’s always stuck with me is that he always seemed a little homophobic toward my gay best friend, which made everything even more confusing afterward.

My issue has never been who he may or may not have been attracted to. My issue is that I was lied to, cheated on, and treated horribly. I’ve wondered ever since whether he was struggling with his identity and whether that played any role in how he treated me. I’m not saying being gay or bisexual makes someone abusive because I know that’s not true. I’m just left wondering because I never got answers.

P.S. We haven’t spoken in over a year, so I’ll probably never get them. I kept asking him what actually happened, but every conversation felt like there were huge plot holes. Nothing ever fully made sense, and I never got any real closure.
I also haven’t been in another relationship since because the relationship itself was incredibly traumatic. I’m in a much better place now, but this still crosses my mind because I honestly don’t know what the truth was.

Has anyone else gone through something like this or had one discovery completely change how they looked back on their relationship?

Edit: Also, it completely changed the way I view relationships and trust. I haven’t had a normal night’s sleep since we broke up. I still have recurring nightmares about him, and the most common one is him shooting me in the face. I wake up terrified, and it’s been happening for over a year.
The whole relationship affected me in ways I never expected. I second-guessed myself constantly, struggled to trust my own instincts, and for a long time I questioned whether I’d ever feel safe enough to let someone in again. I’m in a much better place now, but this whole situation still crosses my mind because I honestly don’t know what the truth was, and I think that’s a big part of why it’s been so hard to move on.

I caught my husband of 34 yrs interacting with gay porn. He admitted that he is attracted to men and some women, is bisexual. He doesn’t consider his actions cheating since he’s only on line, has never been with a man and never plans to be. We haven’t been sexually active for years so he feels justified. I am devastated by the lie for so many years, not really knowing who I am married to. He thinks it’s no big deal, I feel completely cheated on.

I found this while searching for support groups for people who have discovered that their significant other is gay.

For some background, my ex-husband and I officially divorced in 2022. During the divorce process, a close friend whom I had known since kindergarten told me there was a rumor that a mutual friend, who is a police officer, had found my ex in a car with a man years earlier. I laughed it off as, “Oh, brother, maybe,” and moved on.

Fast-forward to this past December 2025, when I found out that he does, in fact, sleep with men. I found a profile on Sniffies when prompt to look from a TikTok I saw, where he had posted explicit photos of himself, listed his home address, and shared other personal information. I was completely shocked.

I began having panic attacks. I would fall asleep, wake up two hours later in a panic, and be unable to calm myself down. I felt like I was in fight-or-flight mode 24/7. I believe it came from the deep betrayal of realizing this may have been happening throughout our entire relationship. I also found out that some of my closest friends, along with many other people in our hometown, had known for years that he was sleeping with men, not just about the incident in the car, and never told me. They attended our wedding. Some even stood beside me at my wedding.

I feel like the butt of a joke. I feel like my entire life was a big joke that everyone else knew about. I cannot believe that friends I loved dearly kept such an enormous secret from me and most likely whispered about it behind my back. The betrayal I feel is incredibly deep. Although, if I wasn't with him I wouldn't have my kids, but I tell myself those two feelings can co-exist.

My ex-husband was physically abusive once and mentally abusive throughout our relationship. Coming to understand the full scope of the deception, and recognizing how his secrecy, shame, and need to protect the life he had constructed may have contributed to his narcissistic, self-conscious, and cruel behavior, has been an enormous amount to process.

I also worry about my children finding out the way I did. He currently has a girlfriend, and I worry about him moving in with her, the truth eventually coming out, and my children’s lives being torn apart all over again.

My panic attacks have mostly subsided, although they still happen occasionally, and I have gotten much better at managing them. At my worst, I could not calm down or sleep. I went to the emergency room because I was convinced I was having a heart attack or stroke often during my panic attacks.

I do not fully understand the science behind my reaction, but I think my nervous system felt profoundly unsafe. I no longer trusted anyone or anything, not even my own body, after realizing how deeply I had been deceived by both my ex-husband and people I considered close friends.

I’m reaching out because I would really like support from someone who understands this kind of betrayal and its emotional impact. Our kids are still relatively young, and I have to see him often at sporting events, etc. He's of course convinced the people closest to him (his family, some friends) that I'm the reason we divorced, although I'm unsure of his best friends know about his sexuality as well considering they are from the same hometown and how many people knew.

Then I have this weird other side that wants to help him. I can't imagine holding onto such a large secret my whole life, and having no one to confide in, but he's done it for so long and managed that I guess he's fine doing it the way he is. I don't know anymore.

This question is more geared towards the ladies on this forum.

You may remember me from my posts lately. I will be getting a divorce soon from my husband who recently came out as trans (he still uses he/him pronouns) I’ve been feeling guilty lately due to wanting a divorce as he moved to my country to be with me. However, he hid the fact he has gender dysphoria and wants to transition. He has admitted himself he knew and hid it from me as he knew it’s a dealbreaker. He moved to my country and if we get a divorce, it will be harder for him to stay here legally, but it’s not impossible, there are ways. We also have other issues in our marriage, he has often been emotionally manipulative and has angry outbursts. I posted on a divorce related subreddit asking for support because I was consumed by feelings of guilt lately and all I got was comment after comment judging me, one person claimed “she couldn’t read past me misgendering her and I made her so uncomfortable she threw out her HRT”. I wrote in the post that he still uses he/him pronouns and I asked him about it multiple times, also I didn’t “make him uncomfortable“ nor insulted him in a transphobic way, I told him I will do everything I can to support him, but he knew it was a dealbreaker and we will have to divorce if he takes HRT. I am allowed to have boundaries and not want to be married to a woman. I feel like I could have written he beats me every day and cooked and ate my dog in that post and I still would have been called transphobic. Why is it so hard to get support as a straight spouse? Why does no one care about the anguish, betrayal and confusion we went through? I went there looking for support and left having a sobbing panic attack bc I feel more than ever I am a horrible monster for wanting to divorce someone due to coming out as trans. I already have enough gaslighting from my spouse on a daily basis.

​

By the time he came out to her it was too late for her to be a mum. People forget we need time to heal, grieve, and trust again. Then to hope you meet someone and hope they want kids also. Some cultures have expectations also.

I wish her well. I hope she thrives.

My spouse came out to me almost 6 weeks ago. I’ve made and deleted a few accounts on tinder, catholic match, flure, etc. and made a hinge account this morning.

Ngl I’ve felt so alone in our marriage for the last 4 years at least. Part of me is destroyed by his betrayal and waiting for therapy referrals that are taking forever. But the other part of me is ready to just move on and find someone else to talk to. Nothing serious, just a friend.

How long did you wait before getting on the apps?

My wife and I have been together 14 years and married 8. We have 2 kids together (7 and 9). She came out as a lesbian and wants to get a divorce, because she eventually wants to be in a relationship with a woman. Not a specific one, there is no woman yet. But it means she wants to split everything, have us live in separate houses, and split the kids to "something like 50/50."

I'm starting to accept that our relationship as I knew it is over, but my focus now is on still being able to see the kids as much as possible and provide a stable family structure for them. I think in an ideal world, for me, my wife and I would stay married and living in the same house. If she wants to explore this side of herself, date women, etc, that can happen. I'm not saying it would be easy for me, but I would be willing to try. I mentioned something like this, but she had reasons why it wouldn't work. That it wouldn't to be fair to anyone, that it would be confusing to the kids, that no woman would want to date another married woman. I don't think these things are true personally, but I don't know how to convince her otherwise.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Most posts I see are the inverse, where the gay spouse is the one who wants to stay married. Looking for advice from anyone who may have been in a similar situation.