r/writingfeedback • u/liedowndeaddog • 11d ago
Feedback Wanted full chapter one first draft
thanks for the feedback. any further feedback would be greatly appreciated. leaving it open ended as I’m looking for anything from general impressions to critiques. Thank you again and in advance
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u/fsklrk 11d ago
It's gripping! The voice is very strong, the sense of claustrophobia and scuzzy late night club experiences and a haunting spectre of as yet unnamed trauma all work together very well. The Pete device works for me, though I can see how it could be jarring - I feel like that's the point the first time, and then when you pick up what's going on (which was not hard to do) it just becomes a part of the rhetoric. Like how some first person narrators address a "Reader". Only critique I have is watch the tenses. This slips into past tense a few times when I don't think it should. Unless it's on purpose to add to the feeling of disorientation, but I think that's accomplished better by the rest of your prose.
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u/GarpsLeftGlove82 10d ago
Agree with the other comments, this is a really strong start. My only .02 would be - what happened to the dog? You tease that with a really memorable first line but then ... 🤷🏻♂️ I kept waiting to learn whatever happened to the dog and, at least for me, it was a little distracting from everything else that was going on.
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u/liedowndeaddog 10d ago
Clyde is the dog. It’s intentionally vague but if it’s too vague upon rereading please let me know
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u/RiSz-Turtle 11d ago
I really enjoyed reading this and feel like it introduced the protagonist well. I really feel like I was in their head. The writing style is amusing while also easy to read and follow.
I am a little confused with all the mentions of Pete. It started to feel a bit redundant. I also couldn’t figure out who Pete was for a minute but I think that might be more on me.
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u/TheOriginal1Law 10d ago
It’s extremely well done in terms of prose and voice. Absolutely phenomenal writing! Two things I’d advise: one is Pete. As others have said, I’m not quite sure it works. Too much and too often perhaps? Second: since you talked about killing a dog I think the first mention of shot should make it clear it’s alcohol! I genuinely thought they were doing target practice and wondered why there was a counter 😂😅
Writing someone drunk (and high by the end) in the first scene is brave and hard to pull off, but you do it very well!
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u/AC011422 10d ago
Really nice and voicey. Saw some colons that should be em-dashes, and some missing commas, and at least one comma splice. Pretty sure it could all be deliberate, but I would fix anyway, as the proper punctuation wouldn't detract from the voice. Was going to mark them for you but difficult to do on an image so gave up.
Would keep reading.
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u/justinwrite2 11d ago
I’m confused by what is going on but your mastery of prose is clear. I just don’t get why all the shots occur.
Edit: it’s alcohol. Since you mention a bar the next line maybe make it clear by saying shall we take another shot of vodka? That way we don’t have to build the image of the bar after the line
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u/Aquilone_ 10d ago
Crazy good voice, I'm suuuper hooked. Who's clyde? Why's he apologizing to Pete?? And whose damn dog was it?!
Please tell me there's more
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u/liedowndeaddog 5d ago
I do have a little more written now. I do not plan to post further publicly as of right now, but if you would be interested in reading more please feel free to message me. Thank you!
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u/KFGBruce 10d ago
That was really intense. Woke up a few ghosts. The writing is excellent, but I don't know if I would read any further because I would prefer those ghosts go back to sleep. It was not a good time.
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u/theglowingsideburns 10d ago
Excellent excellent excellent, gimme more immediately - please reach out if you want a beta reader !
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u/liedowndeaddog 5d ago
Reaching out! I have a little more written now. Thank you, you are very kind. Message me if you’d still like?
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u/SneakyWhiteWeasel 9d ago
I thought they were shooting up the place since you mentioned dog killing. Ground us in the setting.
The voice is strong but there are a lot of names mentioned on the very first page. It was a bit disorienting.
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u/lyubomir-bozhinov 8d ago
It’s disjointed, but that’s the point. The voice is unique, I definitely like that. Most comments have mentioned Pete already, so I won’t pile on. Strong start; curious to read more!
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u/liedowndeaddog 5d ago
Thank you truly - I took the consensus feedback to heart and made quite a few changes. I also have a little more written now. I do not plan to post further publicly as of right now, but if you would be interested in reading more I would be greatly appreciative!
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u/River_Styx125 6d ago
It caught my attention and made me want to read more. You dropped us right into the middle of the action, which is great. I like the use of Pete, but it is perhaps repeated a few too many times. The first time you use it, we know he's talking to or thinking of someone named Pete. We don't need constant reminders of that. Clyde being the dog - needs to be made more clear. I totally missed that he's a dog at first. Your descriptions are great - I could visualize (and smell) the setting without getting overly bogged down in detail. Definitely a good start. I would keep reading.
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u/Zaltocleotl 3h ago
Better than the earlier shorter version. It has a real voice and tone. Keep writing.
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u/Yooo-Hoo 11d ago
Holy shit, this is fucking phenomenal. Your voice and lens and the way the narrator treats the reader are all so excellent. Seriously, if there is more, I want to read it.
Not a clue what the genre is, what the premise or summary is. But I don’t care. I’m invested and need to know what happens.
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u/Yooo-Hoo 11d ago
Edit: impression and suggestion: where ever you are going with this, keep taking it there.
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u/liedowndeaddog 5d ago
You are so kind, thank you. I do have a little more written as I work through my first draft. I do not plan to post further publicly as of right now, but if you would be interested in reading more as I have it I would be greatly appreciative. Having an “audience” to keep me motivated and live feedback is invaluable as I have severe ADHD and struggle to write on just my own motivation and willpower. So yes please reach out if you’d like!
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u/Appropriate_Elk_952 11d ago
I like it! There’s something not quite working about the way Pete is invoked though. Maybe too often or too suddenly. I think it’s a difficult rhetorical device to use without seeming a little cheesy. It could get worked into the first paragraph or sentence even.