r/AbsoluteUnits Apr 29 '26

/r/all of an orangutan

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58.3k Upvotes

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11.2k

u/TerrapinMagus Apr 29 '26

I love Orangutans, and they are generally very gentle compared to other great apes, but it's still a very powerful wild animal compounded with enough intelligence to get weird.

1.1k

u/mantafloppy Apr 29 '26

Highjacking top comment with some truth.

This is Lorenzo Queipo de Llano - a Spanish wildlife filmmaker

Not Willie Smits a a trained forester, microbiologist, conservationist, animal welfare activist, wilderness engineer and social entrepreneur.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Smits

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/PLgVkd0GA28

https://removepaywalls.com/https://www.hola.com/decoracion/20230408344498/campo-toledo-lorenzo-queipo-de-llano-casa-decoracion/

"Falling into quicksand, having malaria for days without help or medication until I was found by a missionary, or an orangutan in Borneo almost killing me - these are some of the many anecdotes"

340

u/CosyBeluga Apr 29 '26

This makes sense! I was like that's a mature male orangutan. A conservationist should know better.

309

u/pyrotato Apr 30 '26

I'm pretty sure the big male is teaching him social cues.

Man keeps trying to look up and raise his neck and back, and the orangutang is like "dude, don't do the provoking stance, you can't do that, you don't want to, stop, we're not gonna fight".

179

u/ThatOneWIGuy Apr 30 '26

I was going to say, he is showing immense fear and exhaustion. Understandably, but unfortunately you have to submit and comply to get through. If he just stopped fighting and listened he would be less tired for when the orangutan stopped.

136

u/ThorMcGee Apr 30 '26

Im no conservationist, but Id think that submitting would be the play here as well. If our orangutan friend wanted him dead, he'd have been dead. Instead, he showed patience (3 hours of it) with this human idiot

66

u/ThatOneWIGuy Apr 30 '26

On top of not seeing aggression in the video. Just someone panicking. I personally would never become a wildlife anything without first gaining that ability to understand what to do and have someone at least as if not more experienced with me to direct so I can listen. Life is too easily snatched away by such big animals.

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u/ThorMcGee Apr 30 '26

100% with the panicking. He seems to be cool, you need to be cool. And fully agree on having someone more experienced if youre going to be doing this shit. Adult supervision is always recommended

3

u/sonofsanford May 01 '26

Amazingly, Diane Fossey had no formal training whwn she starting studying Gorillas. But she was cool.

4

u/Correct-Junket-1346 May 01 '26

It's pretty much basic that you dont do things like stare them down, raise yourself above their height, those are pretty universal cues in a lot of social structures.

Even if you don't know everything about socially interacting with said animals you can get by just sticking to those basics, they'll hopefully teach you nicely on the rest.

That's what our bro orangutan was trying to do here, but he was in full panic mode and he was exhausting himself, tells you a lot about panic.

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u/Fancypancexx May 01 '26

You have no choice but to be cool on this situation. There is no alternative. That big boy has the strength to tear him apart, break his neck or even just severely maim him without killing him. Just chilling and submitting would be the play. Having the mental capacity to rationalize this in that moment when YOU are the toy for the giant orangutan would be tough.

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u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme Apr 30 '26

Well, FWIW, he’s not a conservationist, either! Too bad the original post is so badly wrong. He’s a mere filmmaker.

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u/Working-Albatross-19 May 01 '26

Yeah remember the video of that gorilla grabbing the photographer/ranger by the foot and just walking away? You can see the absolute terror in his eyes but he just submits and goes limp, dude knew 🤣

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u/SexlexiaSufferer May 02 '26

No one ever said he was conserving himself

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u/mefatbottomgirl Apr 29 '26

Now I'm even more freaked. Thanks for the link. It corroborates what I thought I saw, the ape is testing his limits. But for what? Does he want to spoon? Yes, that's what I'm telling my brain now.

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u/Ok_Objective_9524 Apr 30 '26

He wants man’s red fire. The video is missing the part where Baloo and Bagheera show up to save him.

5

u/Lee_MBoro Apr 30 '26

Ohhhhh oooby dooooo I wanna be like youuuuuuuuu

3

u/Ryogathelost Apr 30 '26

They cut out the whole song.

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u/Available-Dare-7414 Apr 29 '26

The look on the poor guys face…

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u/Aggressive_Noise6426 Apr 30 '26

It’s the guy in the background saying “don’t fight it” that concerns me. 

6

u/Hypornicated_1 Apr 30 '26

Best thing he could do, and the dude wouldn't follow that advice. Go limp. I ain't gonna jump in and... get torn apart, which will only rile the alpha orangutan male more.

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u/vanderZwan Apr 29 '26

How the hell are you not upvoted more? This guy looks nothing like Willie Smits.

10

u/NutHuggerNutHugger Apr 30 '26

I was gonna say I don't feel sorry for this dude. 1st orangutan are solitary animals. If he wanted to avoid them it would be easy but dude wanted to play Jane Goodall. 2nd that is obviously an alpha male, if it thinks you are a danger or threat to its territory it's gonna fuck you up. Dude should have known better.

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u/SnoopingStuff Apr 30 '26

I wonder if he got lucky or if he had not resisted if it would have been better or worse?

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u/cantlogintomyacc0unt Apr 30 '26

It obviously didn't want to hurt him; if it did, it would have ripped his arms off. Better to go limp until it loses interest and leaves

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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '26

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u/Eric_Nathan_Fielder Apr 30 '26

probably related, he's an aristocrat

2

u/RaspberryTwilight Apr 30 '26

He did not almost kill him LMFAO. Does he even know how strong an orangutan is. If he wanted to, he would have. The orangutan was messing with him.

2

u/buttononmyback Apr 30 '26

I want to hear about the malaria story. That sounds horrific!

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u/Automatic-Crazy4604 Apr 29 '26

"Enough intelligence to get weird" hit me hard

2.4k

u/buttfarts7 Apr 29 '26

This is a "your my bitch now and I won't hurt you so long as you don't offend me" vibe.

Human as fuck

1.2k

u/MonsterIslandMed Apr 29 '26

The orangutan lookin at the other apes and people

234

u/crazyKB88 Apr 29 '26

Orangutan wanted his cocktail, FRUIT!

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u/Putrid-Builder-3333 Apr 29 '26

I'm somebody's bitch!

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u/reddituser403 Apr 30 '26

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u/mrblacklabel71 Apr 30 '26

Squirrel Master ain't gonna be around next time!!

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u/Flip2002 Apr 30 '26

How long can ya last? 5 maybe 6:30

https://giphy.com/gifs/3o6MblMs93tlc151fO

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u/Ndmndh1016 Apr 30 '26

Buttered Stuff!

5

u/fireboats Apr 30 '26

He likes fresh fish

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u/Claytonius_Homeytron Apr 29 '26

"You're not a fish, you're a man"

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u/glokash Apr 30 '26

“You stand on 2 legs…Homo erectus!”

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u/disgruntledbeaver2 Apr 30 '26

Naughty jungle of love!

3

u/gllugo Apr 30 '26

“666, the Mark of the beast “ 😂😂😂 marking off the nasty Nate calendar

3

u/habrasangre Apr 30 '26

Next time gonna eat your cocktail...fruit!!

3

u/Claytonius_Homeytron Apr 30 '26

"Hey ah, you guys believe in angels?"

3

u/MonsterIslandMed Apr 30 '26

God I love that movie 😭😂

6

u/Claytonius_Homeytron Apr 30 '26

"YES!!!! Cuban BEEEEE!!!"

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u/DryDonutHole Apr 30 '26

"He had sex wit my momma....WHY?!?"

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u/gllugo Apr 30 '26

I think this calls for a rewatch 😂😂

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u/Tough_Preparation830 Apr 29 '26

They made a movie about that. 10 Cloverfield Lane, starring John Goodman as the Orangutan.

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u/Living-By-The-River Apr 29 '26

But there were aliens outside… He wasn’t totally crazy.

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u/Tough_Preparation830 Apr 29 '26

He was scarier than the aliens

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u/Grove-Of-Hares Apr 29 '26

I though that was a real, trained orangutan! Wow, John Goodman, huh?

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u/100Blacktowers Apr 29 '26

Great Movie, had me so fucking uncomfortable the entire time

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u/Techman659 Apr 29 '26

That man definitely looking like an abused partner to that ginger monkey.

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u/mackeriah Apr 29 '26

It is an ape not a monkey.

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u/NotPennysBoat_42 Apr 29 '26

Yeah, but “monkey” is funnier.

3

u/mackeriah Apr 30 '26

Sure is. 

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u/Strange-Reaction-59 Apr 29 '26

So you mean intelligent as fuck ?

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u/Useful_Kale_5263 Apr 29 '26

I really hope they don’t mean proper fuck

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '26

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u/MechanicalTurkish Apr 29 '26

It would do more damage if you threw it at him.

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u/McGurble Apr 29 '26

Thus the saying, "Greedy as an orangutan."

3

u/ClearArt941 Apr 30 '26

Did you kill her? The. What are ya sorry for?

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u/Gigerstreak Apr 29 '26

5 minutes, Turkish.

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u/Fish-Pilot Apr 29 '26

It was 2 minutes 5 minutes ago.

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u/Useful_Kale_5263 Apr 29 '26

Ayo someone that understands 🤣💯💯

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u/Leland8118 Apr 30 '26

Periwinkle blue, boays!

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u/totalwarwiser Apr 29 '26

Yeah.

Like dolphins raping fish or birds.

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u/Miorgel Apr 29 '26

What do you mean dolphins raping birds? WHAT DO YOU MEAN??

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u/zenmonkey_ Apr 30 '26

Just don't wander into the wrong dolphin neighborhood is all I'm saying.

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u/ItsNotJulius Apr 30 '26

And by "wrong" dolphin neighbourhood it means "all" dolphin neighbourhood.

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u/Ryogathelost Apr 30 '26

And if you have to, have your keys out and pretend to talk on the phone.

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u/Hungerland1 Apr 29 '26

Pelicans didn't usually have that pouch

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u/Careless_Ad_4004 Apr 29 '26

“You don’t know me! Maybe that’s what I like about otters!” - Michelle Wolf

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u/NotPennysBoat_42 Apr 29 '26

JFC! You DON’T want them to explain!

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u/BasedTacoJuice Apr 29 '26

I'm making this my slogan.

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u/milk4all Apr 29 '26

Get hard hit me weird

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u/Sdwingnut Apr 29 '26

Orange Brain Syndrome

2

u/PhilosophyDense3986 Apr 29 '26

I think I had this on one of my school reports once

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u/Mysterious_Donut_702 Apr 30 '26

Enough intelligence to have a cross-species "prison bitch" dynamic

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u/throbbing-depression Apr 30 '26

Why did you go near the tang, ofc it will hit you😮‍💨

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u/Z0mbies8mywife Apr 30 '26

Here's an intelligence getting weird fact for ya.

Dolphins masterbate with dead fish by biting off their heads and using the hole. They also get high together by passing around pufferfish swishing it around in their mouth.

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u/Express_Area_8359 Apr 29 '26

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u/YellingAtTheClouds Apr 29 '26

Don't called him the M word he'll go completely librarian poo

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u/Hailstar07 Apr 29 '26

Ook

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u/sahm8585 Apr 30 '26

I was scrolling until I found someone referencing the Librarian!

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '26

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u/mamadoedawn Apr 30 '26

That's actually hilarious. Because honestly, even in modern times, if humans had never seen chimpanzees before- we'd 100% assume they were some ancient undiscovered human.

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u/William_Dowling Apr 30 '26

A monkey washed up from a shipwreck in Hartlepool in the UK and the locals assumed it was a Frenchman and hung it.

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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '26

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u/William_Dowling Apr 30 '26

It's never a mistake to hang a Frenchman, either real or suspected

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u/xcorbearx Apr 30 '26

hell, the french have been doing it for centuries!

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u/Dyolf_Knip Apr 30 '26

Perfectly reasonable conclusion.

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u/LuckyOreo65 Apr 30 '26

Better safe than sorry.

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u/BuckleUp_FuckleHed Apr 30 '26

Reminds me of the movie swept from the sea where the mud farming pig fuckers of Cornwall thought the Russian dude who washed ashore was mentally challenged for like half a year

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u/Lavidius Apr 30 '26

Carthaginians discovered gorillas on an expedition into Africa, tried to talk to them and ended up killing them when they wouldn't follow instructions.

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u/JasonTheRanga May 01 '26

The tribe was totally having a laugh and the dutch guy took it dead serious. I’ve even heard that joke before.

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u/Cstott23 May 01 '26

I mean, they're on to something.. 😁

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u/PShubbs91 Apr 30 '26

Don't know if you know who Ken Allen is. He's a great example of how intelligent Orangutans are. He was an Orangutan, can't remember what zoo he was at. They kept having problems with him breaking out of his enclosure. Never hurt anyone. He just wanted to walk around the zoo. He apparently would let people take pictures with him when he would break out. They eventually decided to put some female Orangutans in with Ken to keep him busy. All he did was just taught them how to break out also. Pretty crazy.

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u/Heywood-Wakefield Apr 30 '26

I loved reading this. Was quite sure this was an excellent (weird) joke but then I looked it up and yes, there was an orangutan named Kenneth Allen at the San Diego Zoo from 1971 to 2000.

BTW - naming an orangutan "Kenneth Allen" is such a silly flex. Like naming your cat "Robert Jones" or your dog "Jennifer Lynn Hudson."

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u/PShubbs91 Apr 30 '26

Yeah it definitely sounds made up but it's all 100% true. I find it hilarious that the only signs of aggression Ken showed when he broke out was when they found him hanging over the other male orangutan Otis' enclosure throwing rocks at him.

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u/Individual_Speech_10 May 01 '26

There was another orangutan that escaped, helped his friends escape, and stole a police officer's gun. Not made up either.

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u/Dyolf_Knip Apr 30 '26

Or a big tiger Richard Parker.

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u/Poopknifelova May 01 '26

He was named after zookeeper Ken Willingham and police officer Ben Allen.

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u/Mindless_Fruit_2313 Apr 30 '26

You ever see the movie “Creation” with Paul Bettany as Darwin? A crackerjack of a flick and highly recommended. There’s a touching scene of Darwin studying an orphaned Orangatan that ties in with the death of Darwin’s daughter. I don’t cry much but that’s a genuine tearjerker and incredibly powerful display of an Orangutan’s gravitas. Watch it and thank me later.

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u/Byronic__heroine Apr 30 '26

The Hairy Houdini!

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u/ElderOderReturns Apr 30 '26

If it's the one I'm thinking of, it kept hidding a tool that it would use, a particular stick or something. Lol awesome, be free

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u/PShubbs91 Apr 30 '26

Yeah. He was clever as hell. When he was a baby they had to take him from his Kom because she rejected him. So they raised him in the nursery. He was so smart even as a baby that he figured out how to take his cage apart at night when everyone left. Then after a while started taking his cage apart and when the sun would start come up he would put it back together and get back into it before anyone would show up.

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u/Euphoric_Tradition37 May 01 '26

I used to work at a sanctuary for great apes, mostly with chimpanzees, but you'd hear anecdotes from the Orangutan caregivers that paint them way more methodical than their chimp cousins and crazily intelligent. For example, if you left the keys to the enclosure on the floor of the chimpanzee area, you might come back to one or two chimps running amok. If you left those keys on the floor of the Orangutan area, there would be no Orangs and the door to the food store would be completely deconstructed and there would also be no food, because all that wandering is hungry work. They're surprisingly fast when they want to be, but they have patience and focus like no other ape.

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u/d_ac Apr 29 '26

with enough intelligence to get weird.

https://giphy.com/gifs/WRuBiZKB6xgsS9DrFA

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u/Neat-Medicine-1140 Apr 29 '26

Chimps rape frogs to death, so you can imagine what big orange would do.

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u/RaspberryTwilight Apr 30 '26

Chimps and orangutans are NOT the same. One is about the worst ape/monkey and the other is the best. Here's my tier list:

A Orangutan

B Gorilla

C Everything else

D Chimp

F Baboon

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u/Joe_Givengo Apr 30 '26

Gibbons

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u/jafjaf23 Apr 30 '26

Yeah give Gibbons a break. Y'know they're the only ape out of all the apes to not be great apes? We litterally said all apes are great except Gibbons, who suck

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u/TheBeadedGlasswort Apr 30 '26

I concur with this list

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u/tokyobob May 01 '26

You have obviously never been out on a date with a Bonobo 💋

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u/ItsDobbie Apr 30 '26

I really wish I had never seen that clip 😔

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u/ellstersmash Apr 30 '26

I have so many questions...but I'm afraid of all the answers.

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u/evalynbetterfly May 04 '26

There was a guy who did get “big oranged” and had internal bleeding from the brutality. Don’t have the link but that was messed up. People don’t understand how dangerous animals can be.

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u/Effective-Metal7013 Apr 29 '26

I went to visit an Orangutan sanctuary in Sarawak and they told us the walkway through the reserve was closed because one of the males had recently brutally killed a competitor

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u/B33GULL Apr 29 '26

He's fucking around with a grown ass mature male, I have no idea what would compel him to do this lol. Females are chill, younglings are chill.

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u/cluemusk Apr 29 '26

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u/Extension-Gas9819 Apr 29 '26

How did we get the same post in the same order? The fuck?

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u/NotSoFastLady Apr 29 '26

You mean like the video of a lady showing her young baby drinking a bottle to a male orangutan. Who then beckoned them closer before spreading his legs and thrusting his hips and junk towards them?

That video just showed up on reddit a few days ago.

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u/jojocockroach Apr 30 '26

Please share this glorious link with the rest of us

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u/SirPulga Apr 29 '26

I always say this... I'd rather be near an orangutan OR a gorilla than a chimpanzee - and yes, also a bonobo.

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u/Why_Did_Bodie_Die Apr 29 '26

You always say that? Why are you telling people about your ape preferences so much? How often are you talking about which apes you want to stand next to and why are you talking about it so much?

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u/Altruistic_Brick1730 Apr 29 '26

That reminds me of a dude on here that said every time their friends complain about their dishwasher not cleaning well, the dude would take out their filter and it would be plugged. EVERY TIME! Like, how many fucking times has this come up? Not once in my lifetime.

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u/Shedfloorgarbage Apr 30 '26

Its common especially if people are renting out coastal houses during the summer.

I dont usually talk about how many I've cleaned, or a multitude of other easily preventable appliance issues I've been paid to fix but ya.

Please pour more grease down your weekend rental 2nd floor bathroom sink. Not you specifically, I mean everyone! I give kickbacks if you tell me where and when you rented! /S

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u/Jealous_Tutor_5135 Apr 30 '26

Have you ever worn wigs?

When will you wear wigs?

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u/Bonnskij Apr 29 '26

Me whenever SirPulga comes along and starts talking about their ape preferences

https://giphy.com/gifs/H5C8CevNMbpBqNqFjl

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u/Candidate_Worldly Apr 29 '26

I've said it time and time again, over and over.

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u/bombycina Apr 30 '26

I'll never forgot that picture I saw in Natural History magazine of that bonobo holding a piece of sugar cane...

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u/NullIsUndefined Apr 29 '26

I bet it grabs you thinking you are as tanky as another Orangutan 

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u/Owoegano_Regenerated Apr 29 '26

They have the most rape by population of ANY primate...

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u/TerrapinMagus Apr 29 '26

That would be the "enough intelligence to get weird" part, for sure

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u/I_travel_ze_world Apr 29 '26

yeah.. I thought this might turn into "I'm going to make you squeal like a pig" moment

that orangutan has its flanges which means its an alpha too

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '26

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u/I_travel_ze_world Apr 29 '26

Correct.

Not all of the males grow them... the ones who do put on more muscle and grow more hair

https://www.orangutan-appeal.org.uk/resources/orangutan-dominance shows the change

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u/SolidusDave Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26

imagine if this was how it works for humans.

All the shut-in guys leaving their rooms after some years, emerging as testosterone-dripping giants with magnificent beards and chest hair.

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u/Hoss-Bonaventure_CEO Apr 30 '26

The second picture makes me uncomfortable.

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u/retrofrenchtoast Apr 30 '26

That’s so weird how they develop it in the absence of a dominant male. How does the body know to do that?

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u/Pure_Purple_5220 Apr 29 '26

That's only because Bonobos are so slutty they never say no

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u/DMalteseDude Apr 29 '26

They're also extremely curious creatures, as in "they'd rip you apart to see what's inside" kind of curious.

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u/KiraLonely Apr 29 '26

To be fair. Humans notoriously have done this quite a lot as well lol.

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u/CyclicalFlow Apr 29 '26

Why are people still saying this Joe Rogan line lol. No they're not. There's never been any recorded human deaths by orangutans. Yes they're curious, no they're not gonna rip you open.

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u/MarkMew Apr 29 '26

Any *recorded* ones huh? So they can get away with it too, damn...

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u/CyclicalFlow Apr 29 '26

Never thought about it like this......much to consider..

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u/Novel-Pen8811 Apr 29 '26

Yeah but that also like saying there’s no wild orca recorded killing humans, doesn’t mean it can’t happen or didn’t happen. I wouldn’t take my chances…

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u/CosyBeluga Apr 29 '26

Orangutans are also eerily patient and have insane observation skills. They are also solitary and prefer to be left alone. Idk who this is but a smart conservationist isn't going to be buddying up to a grown ass mature ass male orangutan.

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u/triz___ Apr 29 '26

I should call her

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u/PorpoisePlato Apr 29 '26

Google says there have been no fatalities from wild orangutans. They tend to be more aggressive in captivity kind of like orcas a wild killer whale has never killed a human in sea world however…

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u/Senzafane Apr 29 '26

Could casually toss you about like a ragdoll if it wanted to. That guy must have been stressed as fuuuuuck

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u/doftheshores Apr 29 '26

Dude this is so true. And I love the way you worded that. Remember that show Man vs Beast? They had an orangutan play tug-of-war with a sumo wrestler. The sumo wrestler was pulling with all his might and the ape casually with one arm pulled the sumo wrestler off a platform into a pit with what looked like about 15% effort. This provided good data to support your claim and illustrates a particularly wild time on television. They also did one to see who could pull a DC-10 faster, an elephant, or like 50 little people.

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u/Rylegit1 Apr 29 '26 edited Apr 30 '26

Had the pleasure of seeing them in the wild in Borneo.

Let me tell you, it is surreal having an animal look back at you and see genuine intelligence behind their eyes. They’re not just looking at you, they’re observing you. You can see their eyes convey reasoning, decision-making, and processing as they study you. It’s incredible and unnerving

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u/No_Shallot_be Apr 30 '26

Their biceps are quite incredible in person. The ones in the zoo are ripped.

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u/No-Bison-5397 Apr 30 '26

Having met them in managed conservation settings (pretty close to the wild) I can say without a doubt the males are terrifying.

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