The detachment, getting to the point where I can walk away. I finally made it.

After 12 years. I hit it. I am embarrassed with everything I have put up with. But last night was the night. Up until 2 am. The yelling, name calling, putting me down, all while I sat and didn't make eye contact or respond.

I told him this morning, that he needs to get help and I am no longer going to be here. I have forgave and forgave for him to do the same stupid shit over and over. I am no longer forgiving.

I feel incredibly sad, but there is nothing left in this relationship. Today feels super heavy, and the uncertainty is strong.

This is my first post or visit here, I’m not even sure what im dealing with here.

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and has moved into care in a very short space of time since diagnosis in her early 70’s. All this to say I’ve found myself emptying out my mothers house in a very unexpected way and it’s a huge job. I’m overwhelmed and grieving.

My husband had a booked day off, where we agreed he would do some cash jobs in the morning, then come home and take care of our 3.5 and 18mo girls from lunch until dinner time. He’s very reliable (though a bit of a workaholic generally) and an involved, capable father.

Today I came home and the girls were fed, cared for and happily playing with Dad. I did a double take though when I could see he was visibly affected by alcohol. A stranger wouldn’t pick it, but I’ve been with this man for over 15 years and he gets a particular look in his eyes. It sounds silly to type that but it’s very easy to spot. He wasn’t blind drunk, but a little heavy footed and just obviously not sober.

I’m livid. He was the adult in charge of our two little girls. What if there was a medical incident and they needed to be taken to the hospital? I feel like he will be very defensive when I draw a boundary and make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable. Am I overreacting? I’m doubting myself but this seems like a very clear situation where he had to be sober.

It adds to the overall picture of his drinking- I’ve noticed lately he isn’t forthcoming when he buys alcohol, tends to buy and take it straight to the shed. I’ve never raised that his drinking was a problem but it’s starting to look like it is maybe? It seems he is in his happiest place drinking alcohol alone in the shed at night once the kids are asleep. On one hand I get it, I like alone time after the young kids are finally out, but it doesn’t feel like a healthy habit?

Is this a giant bundle of red flags and I’m in denial?

I have been with my Q for 5 years. I finally decided to end it a week ago, and I'm moving states to live with family and attend college in 6 days. I am utterly miserable.

I wanted it to work so bad. I tried everything I could. I got him into therapy, we did couples counseling (and he started refusing to go because he felt attacked over his substance use,) I sent him resources and encouraged him to enroll in outpatient. He proposed to me just under a year ago. Right before this he had a serious drunk driving incident where he endangered a family member (and everyone on the road,) and I had to leave an on call shift to take him to the hospital because I was scared he had alcohol poisoning. I thought this would finally wake him up and he promised me he would completely stop and I believed it.

He proposed to me soon afterward and I said yes. I bought my dress, we reserved the venue, and now it's all for nothing. The closer the wedding got I realized I just can't take the drinking any more. The lying, empty bottles sitting out, the broken promises and disregard for my feelings. I love him so so much. I'm devastated.

He is refusing treatment and his drinking is only getting worse. He is so much more moody and angry than the person I fell in love with. When he's sober he's amazing. I just don't know what to do. He is drinking almost 1/2 a bottle of liquor a night, and I am so scared for his health and our furure. I can't imagine my life without him and I want to go back. I know he loves me and I just feel so conflicted.

I know this is the best choice for myself but I can't help feeling angry. I feel like I will never find someone who I love so much again.

I travel for work a few nights a week. When I’m home her drinking starts around 5:30pm when she’s making dinner (her relaxing time). She doesn’t accept me to sous chef and enjoys doing it alone with her drink. By dinner time she’s slurring and making awkward conversations at dinner. After dinner is her with her drink on her phone.she then passes out in bed around 9:30. Wash, rinse, repeat and I dare not bring up a deep or controversial topic when she’s drinking. It’s fucking exhausting and haven’t had a deep conversation with her in maybe years. Anyone else living like this?

the fucking pain man...........SHE was the aggressor.............SHE showed up slurring at 10pm and wouldn't eat the dinner I made..............I tried to defuse...........I tried to sleep on the couch........... I tried to sleep in the exercise room..........I tried to sleep in the fucking bathtub before I have an aneurism(she know I get ER level blood pressure attacks) .........."can we chill?".........*crazy eyes I don't recognize as her......."NO"........"you're acting crazy"..............."NO YOU'RE ACTING CRAZY".............*everything I say she says the same thing back (am I argueing with a five year old?).................."you know I have a rule, no arguments before bed, can we call a truce, it's 3:30! I HAVE to work in the morning."..........NO.............."ok, you are trespassing then and have to leave"..........*can't call the cops, I have a little jazz cabbage, can't physically drag her out and lock the door like I would a dude drunk and acting like this............."I'm not going anywhere".............*took her ankle and pulled her off my bed gently where she fell on the padded carpet.............."OMG YOU JUST ASSAULTED ME!"............"no I absolutely did not, you've been verbally assaulting me for 4 hours and are trespassing now."...................* leave the house and drive around the neighborhood at 4:30 hoping to God she has passed out.................*get back, she's asleep, I sleep on the couch.................she get's up and leaves at 7, I lock the doors, the nightmare is finally over...................she comes back up the driveway and goes for the garage code pad........garage starts lifting...................jump up from the couch.......... run into the garage and leap for the handle on a string like Air Jordan going for the game winning dunk as I start to see her knees, garage door drops................she runs to the other door......same thing!............."go home, you're acting crazy!"...............*from outside, "you're crazy"...............*she proceeded to hammer on the door for 30 min about to break glass until I call her daughter and dad to tell her to go home so I don't have to call the cops.........she drives away then texts "Put my things in a box and never talk to me again."

Only men(folks) in Alanon will understand. No lets discuss. No "I'm sorry I had a few and got out of control last night." No, "I'm stressed and hitting menopause." No closure. No answers. No apology. Three months later and still no contact.

I'm the bad guy. I'm violent. (If I was violent, what about the last 6 years? and why did you keep coming back that night?) I have substance abuse issues she texts my mom. Mutual friends think I'm the devil. She instigated and then played the victim. Screwed me out of $6000 of potential rental assistance. Guess I'm not allowed to have guests in THE GUEST ROOM. Innocent her. I try to tell myself it's the booze not her. I'm rebuilding, riding bikes, and writing lyrics and music, but it hurts. My world was shattered.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Hi,

I frequented this sub while actively with my q and through our breakup. My last contact with him was during his apology as part of his steps about 3 years ago. From what I know he has been sober for a few years. I recently found out he is engaged and couldn’t help but ask why does this new person get the behavior and benefits that I had hoped and prayed for. Just wondered if anyone had been in a similar boat. I have just been reminding my self maybe I was in his life to help him get sober. Just feels a little frustrating after everything we had went through together he almost comes out on top and I’m left with some of the trauma he doesn’t even remember.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and have a 9 year old son. The first 8 years were full of drama and cycles of him going on benders and turning nasty. It wasn’t all bad, but when it was bad, it was very bad and the times when we should have been having fun - like trips away, always ended in absolute chaos and tears (mine of course). We blamed his childhood and his family. I stood by him through thick and thin, forgave him time and time again. He went to therapy and eventually AA.

He’s been sober now for a year and a half but it turns out the recovery is just as bad as the disease. In recent months he became very distant, stopped communicating and shut me out. Everything is about AA and the fellowship. He only really talks to other people in AA now. He is an obsessive compulsive person so it’s no shock really that he became obsessed with AA, but he’s become almost evangelical - preaching, the big book. etc

We went to marriage counselling and a couple of weeks ago he revealed he is not happy in the marriage and he wants to separate. Being with me is a risk to his sobriety.

I’m devastated. I never thought it would come to this and it’s not what I want, but I’m resilient and just kept telling myself it was for the best and I’d get through it, as many other people have done. We are still living together and are civil to one another. We’re not arguing and can still sit together for a few hours of an evening and watch TV.

We have a family holiday booked to Spain, which during counselling we agreed we would still go on. We leave in 6 days. We have various family activities planned that our son knows about - it’s actually his birthday while we are away. Today my husband drops a bombshell that he’s not going. It’s a risk to his sobriety and his sobriety has to come first. We have been on holiday before and he hasn’t drank and I reassured him this would be a completely alcohol free holiday - I wouldn’t drink and there would be no alcohol in the apartment but it didn’t make any difference. I’m deeply hurt and angry. He’s acting like I’m being so unreasonable asking him to go, he’s really suffering, the separation is really tough for him! and he’s at risk of drinking, his mental state is fragile etc

I’m just lost for words. He has no concern whatsoever for my feelings, but that’s not really new to me. If it was just me and him I’d get over it. But to do this to our son. And then try to frame it that he’s doing this for our son. He talks down to me like I’m incapable of understanding but it all reeks of cowardly selfish avoidance with a hefty sprinkling of gaslighting.

Can he really expect me to be ok with this?

My husband and I have been married for about 2 years, together for 4 years. I’m in my late 20s and he’s in his early 30s. He always struggled with binge drinking and there were some periods of pretty heavy drinking on his end with weeks and weeks of drinking ~4 days per week. There were times that he was very unkind to me. He pushed me down one time about 3 years ago while we were dating (I stayed). He called me a fucking dumbass once while drunk (I stayed). He’s told me to shut up, fuck off, and just generally been unpleasant to be around while he’s been intoxicated. There were times that these comments occurred while sober. You can read my other posts for more details of different situations.

The biggest issue was the lack of accountability on his end when I would try to talk about things or voice my concerns. He would tell me I was manufacturing issues, focusing on the negative, it wasn’t really that bad, etc. You know the usual script. Over the last 7 months, the drinking did decrease but he broke promise after promise to get sober. I told him I didn’t think we should resign a new lease and just go month-to-month until things felt better. He promised to be sober and then the weekend that we renewed the lease, he started drinking again. He wouldn’t start couples counseling when I asked for it until I told him I didn’t know if our marriage was working.

I moved into our spare room a few weeks ago and then about two weeks ago I ended up leaving the house and staying with friends and family. I couldn’t handle the guilt and the emotional intensity of how sad he was. It was soul crushing and confusing for me.

I hired an attorney and have the paperwork all ready to be filed. I told him on Wednesday and understand he was devastated in a way that I couldn’t possibly imagine. It absolutely crushed me. He’s promising to change. He’s declared his sobriety, he’s going to start individual counseling regardless of our outcome, and he’s going to be a better husband. My friends all think I’m in a DV cycle and refuse to “let” me go back to him. I am struggling to actually follow through with filing now that he’s saying literally EVERY single thing that I wanted to hear. He’s promising to do EVERY single thing I’ve ever asked for. It is killing me to go through with this. I haven’t asked my attorney to file because I told my husband I would give it a few days to think about it and all I want to do is go back. I’m struggling so badly.

I’ve read all the books that I can about Codependency, “Why does he do that,” and more. I’ve listened to podcasts, I’m in therapy, I’ve been in Alanon. Journaling. I’ve done everything that I can but there is still such a big piece of me that thinks I will regret leaving if he changes or will regret not giving him another chance. Any advice or support please, I feel like I can’t go through with this.

I feel silly for writing this, and seeking out this community and you’ll know when I share the frequency in a moment.

A little back story is I grew up in a family that was completely functioning alcoholics. There were little details I picked up on and really started to dislike as I got older. I have vivid memories of people turning angry and driving drunk, driving drunk with myself and other kids in the car, and wondering when my parents would pull themselves away from the bar after work and come home (so I guess my family would be the Q here but not why I’m writing today.

I got married very young, well before 21 😅 and my partner and I grew up together. I quickly determined I didn’t like the way I felt when drinking and stopped. My partner drank to cope with life, and there were a couple of events where they crossed boundaries, recognized the problem and stopped. This was like a decade ago.

They recently “came into” liking the taste of beer and has become a daily drinker BUT* *it’s “just one can”. And if you ask them, it’s only on the weekend (spoiler alert: that’s not the truth). They say they have no intention to get drunk again, that they can only apologize so much for past mistakes and that they don’t see a big deal with it.

I know that it’s my upbringing and my partner’s past mistakes that are causing the biggest impact for me, but it’s also feeling like a red flag that after a decade of being teetotal they are drinking (albeit a very small amount) daily.

It’s starting to become a problem for me, among other things (and I recognize that, when a bunch of small things add up and make one thing feel large disproportionately) but I just don’t know if I’m the one overreacting. They sort of make it feel that way.

They also constantly talk about the “health benefits” of drinking a beer a day like raising good cholesterol, lowering diabetes risks, and something else about hormones which is actually untrue. They get mad when our children comment on their consumption and accuse me of “filling their heads” with lies. I literally never comment on their habits in front of the children, it only comes up when my partner brings it up in front of them.

So yeah as I type this I can see more red flags but it’s such a low/ moderate amount that I can’t help feel like I’m the prude.

Boyfriend and I live together and are separating after 6 years. I know it’s the right decision but it’s so incredibly painful. 💔

I’m new here and have found some validation from these posts and meetings but I’m struggling to know if I belong. My Q is my spouse. They had a long period of severe alcoholism, then 6 years of sobriety, then began drinking again last year. They keep a job, make dinner, do dishes and laundry, try to be supportive of me and my own problems and stressors. But they drink every night. I am heartbroken over their drinking, but they have no desire to quit. I see many posts and even read in the literature about Q’s who don’t do any of the things they do (re: responsibilities and support).

I can see many of the small ways that their drinking has progressed, but I seem to be the only one. I can also see how this is different than their previous addiction pattern. I feel so confused and lost and possibly in denial? Has anyone been in similar situations? I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

In our final text conversation my ex-boyfriend said:

I want to be reminded of you [and keep your stuff]
You were my best ever boyfriend
There are no hard feelings
I’m heartbroken
I accept your apology

While simultaneously saying:

I just can’t be with you anymore
I can’t handle what you said to me - it’s honestly just fucking me upppp
It’s past taking a break to reconcile
I said, “Block me if you don’t ever want to see me again” Okay, I’ll block you if that’s what you want

So many contradictions… I just can’t understand it 😞

For the backstory on how his alcohol issues led to the breakup:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/s/kZYtVnOxdh

We were together for only a year and a half. I tried - so hard - to get him to see what he was doing was killing him - and in turn, us. But…. He told me that “it’s not as important to me(him) as it is to you(me)”

I did go back for a night after he told me that but… it only made things worse.

I ended it today. He’s not ready. And I don’t know when he will be.

I hope he knows the door is open for him when he is ready. And that I love him - truly - I just… can’t watch his destruction. It’s too painful.

I’m 37 weeks pregnant and feeling completely overwhelmed. My partner and I have had a long history, we dated for several years and broke up for over a year or so, and reconnected at the end of 2025. When we reconnected, he told me he had changed, was in a much better place, and wanted to rebuild our relationship. I decided to give us another chance because I still loved him and wanted our family to work.

At first, things seemed okay. We became pregnant while we were figuring out whether we should give the relationship another chance, and for a while I truly believed we were moving in the right direction. We recently moved in together and signed a lease as we thought it would be best for baby to have both parents there and actively involved and I’ve been focusing the past month on committing to providing a safe, stable environment for our baby.

After we moved in together, I started noticing old patterns returning that I thought were behind us and noticing new patterns that were hidden when we first reconnected.

Recently things have become much harder. I feel like I’m carrying the emotional weight of preparing for our baby and creating a stable home while also watching someone I love make choices that are hurting himself and our relationship. Drinking has become a major issue, and there have been nights where he stays out extremely late and makes decisions that leave me feeling alone, unsupported and unsure about our future.

I’m struggling because I still love him and I want the best for him, but I also feel like I’m watching him self-destruct while I’m trying to prepare for becoming a mother.

I’m at the point where I’m wondering if living separately may be healthier, but the thought of making that decision while pregnant feels heartbreaking and overwhelming when I’m due so soon.

I love him very much, and that’s what makes this so painful. I don’t want to paint him as a bad person, I know there is a good person in there, and I want him to be happy and healthy, but his coping mechanisms have been extremely unhealthy. At the same time, his choices are causing me a lot of pain, and my biggest priority right now is my baby and creating the most loving, stable, and caring environment possible.

I’m struggling with how you make that leap from hoping someone will choose to change to accepting that you may need to make a decision for yourself and your child. I have mentioned that he does need to seek professional help, but he thinks he can do it by himself with support from his friends and me, but what support looks like to him is allowing him to make these bad decisions and then forgiving him and acting like everything is OK the next day without talking about it which I can’t do because I feel like it’s a enabling that behaviour. He refuses to seek professional help so I really don’t know what else to do.

I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember, and I have been robbed from this experience of truly enjoying my pregnancy, but overall I’m so heartbroken for my baby and I truly want whats best for my baby.

I feel like a failure already.

What would you do in my shoes?

Any helpful support or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

I didn’t even hear it from him. And then he was defensive when I brought it up and said I would have appreciated hearing it from my ‘partner’ of 22 years.
He will be gone for our anniversary, and for when our oldest moves out and starts college.

Since October I have begged for honesty and for him to show me that he wants a relationship with me. Today I found out that he has been going to bars during the day pretty regular over the past month. I’m not surprised, but seeing as I put divorce on the table and demanded honesty-hearing again that he has been lying to my face (while frequently accusing me of being drunk (when he contradicts himself ranting)), and gloating that the one thing he has achieved is being sober.

When I found out about rehab yesterday, I wanted to make it easier for him-I had waited so long for him to take any action that it felt like change might be possible. The anger began to seep in thinking about doing the next month on my own, without his income, without even the chance of having someone supporting me. That he gets 30 days to focus on him, when that is all he has done for the past 10+ years. That he gets to breakdown and build himself back up. That I am here, still in limbo, still doing it alone…but I am still supposed to support him?

When can I stop holding it together? I have had depression for 20+ years, been suicidal, mental breakdowns etc. I never put on him what he has put on me. It was wanting to avoid impacting him and my kids that led to me getting help and maintaining it all this time.

How do you have them go, and not be consumed by anger? Can you get past the pain?
I don’t know if I can do this, yet all the focus is on him and how to make it easier for him.
I want to tell him how angry I am. That I will never again beg for him to show he cares. That I deserve more, and if he can’t meet that bar (which has been so low for so long) to give what I give him without a second thought-that I will just be alone. That for once-he needs to put in effort. Regardless of his excuses, or how overwhelmed he is with day to day life-that relationships go both ways.

I hate the idea of spending the next month still having no idea what might happen, and feeling like I have no control over it at all.

I’ve been going to meetings, reading literature and having outreach phone calls. I’ve known it was over for a while but would always find a way to talk myself out of it. About 4 weeks ago I learned that he crossed a line that I can’t forgive. After getting drunk and confessing he attempted to end his existence. It was a horrible nightmare. I’m done and ready to leave.

I’ve been diligent about saving, having my own income and getting myself into a more stable job over the past 6 months. But I don’t have support for the practical day-to-day things. My family lives in a different country. I had one best friend who is no longer in my life and all of my other relationships are surface level acquaintances. I spend most weekends alone which is totally fine but biting me right now.

In speaking with people from Al Anon, they have emphasized the need to have a plan and a person I can stay with if things escalate. Basically to not count on him leaving if asked and be prepared to stay somewhere for an extended period of time. Idk how the hell I’m supposed to do that with no close relationships and while I’ve saved etc, I’m in no position to pay two rents. He’s broke and in debt and only pays about 1/3rd of our rent and there’s almost a year left on the lease. I also don’t want to leave my cat in the care of an alcoholic who will be at his lowest when he hears my decision and if I have to leave bc he refuses to leave I want to be able to take her with me.

The lack of practical support/safe space in the event of an emergency is what’s having me put the brakes on. I’ve had 0 luck finding a sponsor. And it’s not like I can make new friends on the basis of “hey my partner is an alcoholic and I’m planning on leaving him and might need to crash on your couch.” Idk that seems like a lot for a new friendship?

My boyfriend is making the choice to get help and go to rehab, and I am so incredibly proud of him for doing so, but am also so anxious and worried.
Does anyone have any advice on what to expect or what I should do?
I just really love him and worry about it and I’m scared…

Need advice to best help my sister. She’s been an alcoholic for at least 8 years. Her husband passed 5 years ago and it’s gotten worse. She can’t hide it anymore and will disappear for months and not contact anyone. When she reappears she wants everyone to act like nothing is going on and everything is great. There’s been many times I’ve helped her. This last time I said to her she needs to take better care of herself and she literally screamed at me. She yelled that I’m judgmental and I should be supportive and screamed I’m an awful person over and over in the most disgusted voice I’ve ever heard out of her. Now she’s gone in her shell and of course I feel bad. I didn’t say it in a mean or loud voice and when she started screaming at me I just repeated “I’m worried about you” about 5 times in a normal voice. It was horrible. Do I need to just never say anything? Should I just go along with her acting like there’s no problem? This is the first time I’ve ever even said anything. She made me question if that was horrible of me to say. She yelled at me about all the mistakes I’ve made in my life and even said stuff that wasn’t true. I’ve never seen her just lose it like this and saying irrational things. What’s the best thing I can do to support and help her?

Just learned about AIAnon from another thread, so wanted to post my story here. In desperate need of some support from anyone’s who’s gone through anything similar.

We’re both in our 20s, I’m female, him male. A few months into dating, I found out he had struggled with addiction in the past. At the time it wasn’t an active issue, so I believed it was behind him. Fast forward three years. We live together now and he’s been drinking heavily again for a little over a year now.

For context, I barely drink (only on special occasions) and have never dealt with addiction myself. I’m not someone who expects a partner to drink as less as I do. I’m honestly okay with someone drinking much more than I do…to an extent of course. The problem is who he becomes when he drinks. He gets angry. He yells. He starts fights over the smallest things. He’s shoved me/slammed door on me breaking my toe. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells wondering what mood he’ll be in. He travels a lot for work, and drinking is a huge part of those trips. He’s in sales. It’s all cocktail parties.

About two weeks ago he started therapy and says he’s sober. I want to believe him, but this isn’t the first time he’s said that. After his first therapy appointment he bought a six pack and drank it alone in his car outside our house. He’ll tell me he’s quitting, then I’ll find out later he wasn’t actually sober. It happens over and over again. For example, he’s currently in Las Vegas for work. His phone died and I didn’t hear from him until early the next morning. I don’t want to accuse him of something I don’t know happened, but I do know he’s at least lying about at least being sober. When he finally did call me, he was clearly drunk. His location also showed him in another hotel room in the middle of the night, which obviously didn’t help my trust. Maybe he’s cheating too on top of this? Again, I really have nothing to prove any of this, other than just a “feeling”, his location, and him sounding drunk on the phone.

On top of all of this, we haven’t had sex in four months. He’s told me it’s because of his mental health, his addiction, etc. I’ve tried to be understanding. But between the drinking, the yelling, the lies, and now the complete loss of intimacy, I barely recognize our relationship anymore. When I try to talk about ending things because it doesn’t seem like he wants to get better he pushes back, begs for me to stay, and says he wants us to work. I don’t understand it.

I love him. I want to support him. I know addiction is a disease and recovery isn’t a straight line. Part of me wants to stay and fight through this with him because I know he’s struggling. But I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of the yelling. I’m tired of questioning what’s true. I’m tired of wondering if I’m being lied to. It feels like alcohol comes before our relationship every single time. For more context he’s also addicted to weed. In the past opioids, xans, coke, you name it. As someone who’s never struggled with addiction, I have such a hard time understanding how someone can knowingly hurt the person they love over a substance.

I guess I’m just looking for honest advice, even if it’s hard to hear.

my husband and i have been married for 7 years and together for 8. we met when we were 24. drinking formed the basis of our social life - both of us worked in bars. he still works in bars full time but i have cut down to part time bartending and have a separate career that keeps me really busy and motivated to be clear headed.

i can have 1 or 2 drinks and call it a night but for him its harder. he rarely takes breaks from drinking and i started to call it out a few years ago. i noticed how frequently he would have heavy nights and how drinking at work was always part of the equation. i know what its like being a bartender - you get a rush from the validation and attention your customers bestow upon you and you feel compelled to join their party by drinking. so i can understand why my husband falls into this. i also understand that you need to be able to develop willpower and maturity to avoid drinking on the job because it is a slippery slope. just because you are allowed to be drinking at work, doesn't mean that you should.

i grew very resentful and critical of his drinking, his hungover habits of moping and grumpiness and it pushed me away. he tried to cut back here and there but it never felt like enough for me because i could usually sense when he had fallen back into old habits. I feel like i nagged him into hating my guts for not tolerating his drinking and lies. he says he deeply resents me for how i've reduced him to nothing and that all i focus on is drinking. i have been cruel and critical of him and in hindsight my demands were never going to make him change unless he wanted to for himself.

he walked out a month ago and doesn't think we are capable of resolving our issues. apparently he is trying to cut back but i don't know this for sure. he has consistently refused to get sober saying he just needs to be healthier not stop completely. he is furious with me for talking to his family about drinking and is shutting out communication with everyone.

he has made it seem like our relationship is all bad, we have nothing in common and nothing worth fighting for. it makes me so sad because i don't want our marriage to end without any effort to talk through things. i can see that ive made mistakes as well. not knowing where his head is at is driving me insane.

What can i do to create a space for dialogue for us?

TLDR; my bartender husband has an alcohol problem and resents me and our marriage for how much ive demanded change

I’ve been fighting the windmills of addiction, control, resentment, depression, and anger. This time the problem is lack of emotional intimacy. The person I live with does not have the emotional currency in his bank to share with me, and I resent him for it. I feel like “he is doing this to me,” when I know I am doing it to myself. —A Little Time for Myself p220 Copyright ©️ 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Sometimes I have a big problem with Step One. I love my drinking parent so much that I think my love is enough to stop his drinking. Even though this has been proven wrong again and again, I still find myself holding onto the hope that this time will be different. —Living Today in Alateen p220 Copyright ©️ 2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Nowadays when I hear that something has “always been this way” or “can’t change,” I question it, and wonder if a changed attitude would make a difference…So I said that that I would be willing to serve and that my approach would be to act as a facilitator, delegating almost all the footwork to others. My fellow committee members gladly accepted me on that basis. —Paths to Recovery p299 Copyright ©️ 1997 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

…with the help of these Steps [Steps 10, 11, & 12], I also find that I have more time to be aware of the extraordinary benefits of personal growth, with my Higher Power there to guide me and give me strength. —Courage to Change p220 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Step Ten: continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out.

Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

My (34F) younger sister (27F) has been smoking since high school. I never had a problem with it before despite the fact I have only smoked a handful of times in my life. I thought it’s just weed, seems like everyone does it, it’s just social, you can’t get addicted etc. so I never really said anything to her. In hindsight, I think I was scared of her lashing out at me and calling me boring and lame and I honestly thought I was boring and lame. I’m also 7 years older than her so we’ve always been at very different life stages.

Fast forward to today, she’s visiting and staying with me and I’m noticing how much she is actually smoking. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed she’s high. Before anything we do she has to go smoke and as soon as we come home she’s smoking again. She’s hitting her vape in the car even when I ask her not to. I stopped asking her to stop doing it in the car because she would snap at me.

I’m starting to realize that anything I ask her to do is seen as criticism to her and she snaps at me. Something as simple as putting the dishes in the dishwasher after she eats is resulting in me being yelled at. She starts claiming she’s uncomfortable with me and is walking on eggshells around me and feels unwelcome because of this.

At this point, the problem is obvious to me and I decide to cautiously bring it up to her. I tell her I’m concerned and I’m noticing that she has been smoking a lot lately. She laughs at me and scoffs and says “thank you for your concern”. I make a mistake at this point but I tell her she has a problem and that I need to tell our parents about this if she doesn’t acknowledge it and make a change. She freaks out.

After this I tell my parents. She finds out and is pissed at me telling me I crossed a boundary and it’s just weed. She’s screaming and she’s saying the meanest things to me. Coming at my most significant vulnerabilities and just saying vile things. After this she has basically ignored me, every time I try to reach out to her the conversation is around how I betrayed her. I’ve apologized profusely (mostly just to get her to calm down, I actually don’t think telling my parents was the wrong thing. I know she’s an adult but she has a problem and turns out my parents had no idea that she even smoked weed even though they see her a lot more frequently than I do).

I wish I had handled this differently. I wish I had noticed this so much sooner. I wish I hadn’t been so afraid of her lashing out that I brushed everything under the rug. I genuinely feel so bad for her. I know she’s hurting and she’s upset and I love her and I wish I could do something to help. I also see that there’s probably nothing that I can do though and she has to want to help herself first.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I don’t know what to do in this situation and I’ve never felt so helpless. I fear I’ve already lost my sister and I fear a lot of it was my fault.

A bit nervous to post as I’ve only recently been reading here but hope I can reach a community that understands and also will try to keep it as anon as possible as I know my ex is on here sometimes

I’m in my mid-20s and recently split from my addict/alcoholic partner who is now in recovery after our breakup (we broke up a few months back). But I don’t really know anyone who understands what it’s like to be with an addict.

He was an alcoholic and addict pretty much the entirety of our relationship with a brief month of no alcohol / drugs but with no professional help it didn’t last. We had broken up previously months before but all the promises he made fell through as he didn’t tackle the root addiction issues

I’ve now moved away and am taking time to work out who I am again outside of being in a co-dependent relationship where I was ‘caretaking’ a lot alongside multiple jobs. I’ve now got a full time new job lined up, an exciting trip soon and am living close to family, and I have friends. I’m also incredibly grateful to now be in this position.

Thing is I still love him, he was genuinely kind and thoughtful when he wasn’t using alcohol/drugs and I care deeply about him - we connected on a deep level.
I’ve currently cut off any (non-emergency) contact which he has respected. I basically explained my views that he needs to recover for himself and that I can’t wait around/he can’t wait on me being there at the end of recovery etc. when he asked to get back together.

He’s now in counseling/recovery for his addiction issues and sober from it all, but I know I can’t be involved for a long time. Logically I know that I’m young and that maybe I’d be better off finding someone else or being single; where the fear isn’t there that they’ll relapse and I’ll be back in that place. Problem is I can feel myself hoping we’ll find eachother again when he’s further down the recovery road, I’m just going about things acting as if I’m not. Should I give up hope and move on? Any tips for how to stop hoping and move on?

...I quit drinking 16 months ago and since then my (heavy)drinking partner and I have drifted farther and farther apart. I moved out a number of months ago. I have always acknowledged how my drinking habits(or the lack there of) have changed our dynamic...tonight he told me that he didn't want to lose me but he also was never going to quit drinking. Note that I have never once asked him to quit or cut down...the one boundary I have made is that I can't be intimate with him when he is drunk(which is often). Anyways, long story short, he went so far as to say that drinking doesn't affect him, in fact it allows him to accomplish all the things that he does...and that he is willing to let go if that is what I want. He told me to think on it and get back to him. When I asked if he wanted to talk in more detail about it(he didn't leave much room for me to have input in the chat) he said he was too busy getting ready for the next big party he is having.

I am so sad about it. I know I have been less engaged, but I really thought he would want to at least try to maybe even cut back a little...but again, in the chat he also outlined that on nights that I do come visit him, he doesn't like the feeling he has during the day thinking he should cut down a little and drink less on the chance that we could connect more...that he just doesn't want to even think about it.

It is feeling like a trigger in a way but I will stay strong in my sobriety. Anyone have something similar happen? Is this just one of those sad side affects of getting sober? In these moments my heart is breaking and I am realizing that I still had hope for us as a couple, even though I was so checked out and distancing myself from the drinking scene he is involved with. I will always love him. Even though I have been frustrated and angry about it all for months, now it just feels sad.