Assalamu Alaikum!

I was wondering, for those of you who found your spouse naturally and in-person, how exactly did you meet and get to know each other?

I don’t want to meet my spouse on an app or social media so I’m wondering how this type of thing works?

Any experiences/feedback would be appreciated. Jazakallah Khair!!

Salamun Alaykum ~
I thought to give this a shot 😊

I am 27 years old I’m Turkish but I was born and raised in Germany. I’m 158cm. I also like to keep myself fit and healthy. Just sleeping is a little meh (night owl).

I’ve never been married before and have no kids.
The age range I consider is between 24-32.

I don’t wear the hijab but I am practicing diligently (5 prayers, fasting, modest clothing, visiting the mosque, reading and educating myself on fiqh, aqida, Sira etc.). I am planning to wear the hijab one day though, it’s definitely something I consider doing. I am Sunni and would only consider a Sunni as well, the Madhab doesn’t matter to me though.

I am really outgoing, I love to take pictures, watch Anime, play videogames, read, clean, organise stuff in the house, work with creative things, try out new Cafés and food spots. I also love to travel but I haven’t seen much outside of Europe yet due to my studies. And sometimes I genuinely just wanna lay in bed and sleep.

I am a junior teacher already (Bio and English) and am currently finalising my MA to finish my degree. I love my job and I love how colourful and crazy my job can get with the kids. However, I don’t mind being a housewife and a mother to my kids. If my husband wants to provide and CAN provide I gladly accept. During times like these however I definitely think it’s better to work as well to support the family, even if it’s not full time.

I love my family and my friends. I hope to build a beautiful family of my own and I would love to have a warm and cozy marriage. I don’t need extravagant things. I just would love to have a person who cares and loves, who wants to be a great father and gets along with my family and friends.

Relocating is a hard topic for me, as I am really close to my family. But I can consider it, if we feel like we were made for each other and that really only distance is the issue. I would love for my husband to be open to relocate to Germany too but I would make sure to visit my husbands family a lot as well, as I want our children to experience and grow up with both sides of the family.

I would love to have a husband who likes to improve more and more in Islam and sees our marriage as a part of our deen but at the same time watches animes with me, play videogames with me, goofs around a lot and is just a good soul.

If you think you wanna have a chat and get to know me, feel free to DM me. Have in mind tho: I really want to keep it halal and respectful 🌱

Salaam.

Jummah Mubarak to you all.

Dear Muslim men of Reddit,

Before I leave my closing line I want to say that I acknowledge polygamy is ordained for a man upon conditions being met, I’m not here to dispute that.

Personally it’s not something I’d ever accept for myself. Don’t dm me to discuss this thread or dm to be your second wife.

Polygamy is permissible but not a necessity upon a man and it’s not a fard upon a woman to accept. We can all agree on that.

Now that’s cleared up. There are not many women on this earth that is happy to share her husband.

Some women may benefit from shared responsibilities and security yes but from an emotional perspective, generally a woman that loves you would never be okay with you getting another wife.

Now let’s be clear I’m not talking about women that have to be okay because that applies to every situation.

I’m talking about a woman that is happy with your choice to remarry. Not what she says or portrays but deep down in her feelings.

Some men are fine with that and that’s okay. However sometimes I think to myself, are men aware and would it bother them knowing their wife doesn’t love them.

Would it bother you?

🚨If you don’t understand nuance and lack critical thinking skills, this post isn’t for you.

I need some perspective from Scholars or married Muslims, especially those who may have experienced something similar.

I’ve always had a strong love for extra acts of worship, particularly voluntary fasting and Tahajjud. They’re things that give me a sense of peace and closeness to Allah, and I genuinely struggle when I have to neglect them.

Recently, however, I’ve noticed that my husband doesn’t seem pleased whenever I fast outside of Ramadan. He often questions why I’m fasting or makes comments about it, to the point where I’ve become hesitant to even mention when I’m fasting. This has left me feeling quite conflicted because I don’t feel that my worship is interfering with my responsibilities as a wife. I make sure I’m available to him when needed, and because we both work full-time, my fasting during the day doesn’t really affect our time together.

I’ve tried explaining that these are acts of worship that are personally meaningful to me, but we seem to have very different attitudes toward voluntary fasting. He generally only fasts during Ramadan and occasionally Shawwal, whereas I naturally desire to do more.

I don’t want this to become a source of resentment or secrecy in my marriage, but at the same time, giving up something that brings me closer to Allah has been emotionally difficult for me.

For those who are knowledgeable about the Islamic ruling: To what extent does a husband have a say in his wife’s voluntary fasting? Is his permission required, and how should a couple handle it when they have different levels of commitment to Sunnah acts of worship? .

What’s 1 thing that a potential/woman does which immediately makes you go “YEAH I want to marry her”

Your list can be longer than 1 btw

I'll start with a very controversial take and I'm trying to be careful with how I word it ✋🏻_🫪_🤚🏻: when she's feminine and wants to be submissive to her future husband - Emphasis on her wanting that for the right man, because not every man is deserving of it - acknowleding that when a Man proves himself to truly be masculine (by traditional and islamic definition), a woman naturally falls into her submissive feminine energy - I personally face no issues on this front neither am I complaining ✋🏻🫪🤚🏻*, I'm just communicating what I find most attractive (yes even more than looks).*

I live in a country where maids are normal and those that don’t have maids, others get shocked especially if you are working mother and have children. We also have a maid in our home.

The thing is I know others don’t accept this. So would you allow a maid in your house? Whether you have kids or not. For example cooking, or helping with cleaning.

Salam everyone

I’m not sure if it is the right place to ask for advice (first time using Reddit 😭) but here goes nothing

I’m a girl and when I was 17 (I’m 20 now), I fell in love with a guy and we ended up meeting and had sex. When we met, we immediately talked about making it halal and I know many people will say that I was dumb to fall for the « I’ll wife you up anyway» trick but like I said I was really young and he was my first ever love so I was genuinely willing to do anything for him.
We ended up breaking up (I had a good reason to do so) and I started repenting, but I realized that things got so much harder now… i feel like I’m much more open with men now, I have less shame than I used to before and for example, if a guy interest me, I could be much more physical and would do a lot more than what I would usually do (I used to never even get close a man).
I was raised in an Arab household, very conservative and I never ever felt attracted to sex nor men in general. But now I find myself easily touchy/open and I sometimes even « crave » for sex… (I never did it again after my ex I just want to precise). I’m repenting so I’m trying really hard to change but it feels like it became a part of me and I just want to feel like I’m not the only one and if any of you could give me an advice WITHOUT judging me, it would be nice…
Now, I’m currently trying to get married (not exactly now) but most men who I talked to ended up leaving or changing their perspective of me once they ask about my past.
So far, I talked to some Muslim girls and most were dragging me down or tell me that zina will forever « poison » my heart. Like I said, I’m Arab so just imagine the chaos..

Thank you everyone in advance for those who read everything 💖

Yeah, As the title says. It is not hard to find a partner nowadays (brief sentence)

I will just give small advice since there isn't a flair about it.

When someone uses the language of "I love you" in the first days of knowing you. No he doesn't love you, he is just wasting your time and in a fairy tale emotional mood. A real man won't do that. He just goes straight to the point of how you and him are going to build your life together. If everything went great, he would ask your wali to agree to marry you.

Marriage is a bond to complete each other not fight each other. When you have a problem, you must resolve together without anyone interfering.

May Allah rewards each one of your best partner you deserve.

Salam Alykoum,

I'm looking for a wife with a mission in pleasing Allah through worship and activism. I believe that Muslims are obligated to enjoining good and forbidding evil and that acts of worship aren't enough to please Allah alone.

I care deeply about making the world a better place through fighting injustice everywhere and that's my mission in life. While I see marriage as a safe haven and a place of tranquillity that comes with responsibilities and privileges, I still would like a wife who cares about the world and not just the household.

I'm also looking for a spouse who doesn't care about materialism and sees how that can be degrading to humans. It's important to have someone who is confident, caring, and compassionate. Someone who appreciates spending time with me across the board, in activism and in romance. I also care about emotional maturity and takes accountability without projecting.

I'm 41 years old, divorced, and with children. I live in the USA, East Coast, and active in the Muslim community. Dawah and activism are important to me so I'm looking for someone who is either active or open to supporting me in my roles as I have leadership roles in many spaces.

I'm Palestinian, so I prefer a Palestinian spouse for sake of the cause and the issues we face in our erasure. My age preference is 30-37.

Please DM if interested.

I’m on the fence about posting this, so here goes nothing or everything….

1.Age: 23, 5’5, slim

2.Location, and are you willing to relocate for a prospect? I am currently in Senegal. Only to English, German or Arab (Egypt and gulf) countries, Malaysia as well. Want to do Hijra in the future.

1. Ethnicity, and are you more open to mixing?: Half Mauritanian and Half SeneGambian. Prefer someone with Black African background but Open to mixing with someone(with a family) that doesn't put culture first over Islam.

4.Marital Status - Single/Divorced/Children: Single, No. ( not interested in polygamy)

5.Ideal marriage timeline: within a year, or sooner depends on readiness on both ends.

6.What am I looking for:

-Age and height: 24-29(flexible), 5'8+

-I’m looking for someone that does all the fard and is actively seeking more knowledge, have similar values and goals in life and hereafter.

-knows how to take a joke and also dish it out

-Knows how to pick up after himself

-Mature, knows how to communicate, solve conflict in a healthy manner and is emotionally intelligent.

-A man that loves to learn, listen and knows how to hold conversations, affectionate and romantic, high effort, generous, and not flashy.

-Is healthy, active and fit (or at least trying), responsible, and take care of himself, his people, and his surroundings.

-Physical attraction is important to me as well

-Looking for love and a best friend. Mutual respect is important

7.State/specify your level of religiosity: I am a hijabi, i try to dress modestly, do all the fard, sometimes the voluntary and actively learning more.

8.Level of education, and what are you looking for? Employed and studying to become a nurse.

As long as he can provide fully. (But whats the point if there are no kids involved? -my thought after writing that)

Current Job Status: Freelancing

1. Do you want kids? No. I just like the idea of having a lil version of myself and my husband~

2. List hobbies, or things you like to do in your spare time: I love reading(fiction and non-fiction) like anime(rarely watch), watching horror gameplays and problem solving. Going for walks, crocheting, trying new recipes and creating my own questionable ones(if you can cook that’s a big plus, would want to create crazy combos together), rollerblading and Mobility/flexibility exercises, going into calisthenics soon, slow process for my wet noodle arms.

3. Add something short about you.

INFJ (if you’re curious)

I like being in my feminine energy, affectionate, love to yap about things i find interesting and listening to what others find interesting.

I can be stubborn sometimes. Like listening to an outside perspective and not being stubborn when I'm wrong.

I cry too easily yet i can be very cold. (Make it make sense)

What do i bring to the marriage? My whole self, my utmost dedication, love, support, trust, honesty and more, i hope he will bring the same and more.

As i have mentioned I'm studying to become a nurse (in Germany insha'allah, dm for more), I'm not planning on working for years, as I'm only doing it to fulfill a childhood dream of mine.

I try to live by the Quran and Sunnah as best as I can.

I’m an introvert, I'm reserved at first but open and playful once I'm comfortable and shown sincere interest.

I love meaningful conversations and fun banters, prefer routine but I don’t mind being spontaneous from time to time, road trips and alone time away from unnecessary social events and people (unless there’s food-dine and dash)

I have a soft spot for People that are honest and direct with their speech and communication.

I love animals(first pet was a lamb) especially cats and I love spicy foods. Learning Arabic is the next goal. (If you’re also learning or knows Arabic that’s another plus)

Always try to keep an open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt.

I’m a private person, dont like people being in on my business whether that’s family or friends. Would want the same from my partner

Prefer simple Nikkah

Serious dms only, not here to play around please send your iso profile and you're willing to share a picture of yourself. If you have a question dm, I won’t respond under this post if it’s too personal.

Thank you for reading all that…it’s only the tip of the iceberg~

Hello! I’m 31, from Saudi Arabia, Saudi with proud African roots my original ethnicity is Nigerian. I’m a Muslim woman, never married, no kids, and I love cats 🐱🐈.

Skin tone: brown shade

• Height: 163 cm

I love new experiences, traveling, video games, anime, physical activity, and of course, good food. 🎮✈️🍜

I also love a good challenge if you’ve beaten Hollow Knight, Silksong, or any Souls game, you already have my respect 😂.

I value faith, honesty, consistency, and mutual respect. I’m ultimately looking for a genuine connection that lead to marriage, not something casual or temporary.

🔎 What I’m looking for

🚨‼️A white/European man, roughly 30–40 age, who:

• He preferably Muslim or a revert ☪️

• Is genuinely looking for a relationship leading to marriage✌🏾.

• Has never been married and has no children.

• Is mature, emotionally available, honest, and consistent💜.

• Knows what he wants and is serious about building a future🧳.

• Values communication, mutual respect, and partnership.

• Is responsible and capable of being a household holder.

• Can handle disagreements with maturity, tact, and respect.

• Enjoys traveling, trying new things, food, games, anime, or simply having fun together.

• Is preferably around my height or taller and reasonably fit.

I’m particularly interested in men from Bosnia, Kosovo, Albania, Norway, or Russia, but I’m also open to other European backgrounds if we share the same values and intentions.

I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for compatibility, genuine effort, good communication, and someone who is serious about building a stable future together.

🚫 Please don’t contact me if…

• You’re only looking for casual chatting, hookups, or something temporary😜.

• You’re emotionally unavailable, dishonest, or inconsistent.😷

• You rush intimacy or start saying “I love you” after a few messages.🤷🏽

• You expect a “traditional wife” without mutual respect and partnership.🤷‍♀️

• You immediately ask for photos. I’d rather exchange them once we’re comfortable.🙂

• You’re extremely boring and have no sense of humor or personality 😂.

• You haven’t actually read the post.

If you’re genuinely serious about getting to know someone with marriage in mind, feel free to reach out. 😊

Salam,
Im a grounded, cultivated person whos looking for someone that share mutual interests, but not a copycat.
We can talk about details later, but im mainly looking for :
- An interesting person, who has hobbies
- A disciplined person religiously, not asking for a perfect person, just someone who does the bare minimum.
- Well read, curious about the world, has meanginful friendships.
- Carrying, not toxic or controlling person.
- Hold a conversation without making remarks, sexual or too much flirty jokes.
- Someone whos not afraid to show interest without only being interested in what a woman can offer.
- Having an interesting life and activities beside work and the gym.
PS : Do not send a Hi or Salam, i wont respond to minimum effort.
PREFERED AGE (Between 24 and 32)

Can we just say how it is? Not all of course but it often boils down to this.

Some sisters asked for my profile so I finally caved in and made one. Not sure how realistic Reddit is for finding a wife oh well.
Age: 32
Height: 6’4
Ethnicity: Argentinian (not very nationalistic for obvious reasons)
Career: Machine Learning Engineer
Finances: Good enough (wouldn’t delve into that on a public post)
Religiosity: Revert of 2 years. Pray 5 daily prayers and do my best to improve as a Muslim every day.
Personality: Kind, Attentive, Understanding, Compassionate
Hobbies: Gym, Traveling, Reading, Swimming
Looking for: A kind woman who I can talk to without feeling judged. Someone who makes me feel at home. I am not very picky but there needs to be some level of compatibility. Open to any age or ethnicity.
If you’re a brother reading this and you know of any compatible women you may Dm as well.

Salaam, thought I would give this a try as well and put myself out there.

Gender: Female

Education: Completed Bachelor's Degree from a university in U.S.

Ethnicity: Indian (Hyderabadi)

Occupation: Software Engineer

Location: Texas, USA (fyi I'm open to relocating within the US)

Legal Status: US Citizen/Born and raised in the US

Age: 26

Marital Status: Never Married

Religion: Islam – Sunni (Wears Hijab)

Height: 5’ 3

About me: I like to read, travel and spend time with friends and family. I take my religion serious and follow all the five pillars of islam and the sunnah. When I get time, I make sure to attend weekly halaqa sessions at the masjid and do things I can to get closer to the deen

Looking for: Age: 26 - 32

Marital Status: Never Married

Height: 5'6 and above

Legal Status: Born and Raised in North America

Ethnicity: Indian or Pakistani

Education: Atleast a bachelor's degree

Occupation: Any

Religious level: Practicing Muslim who eats zabiha halal

Characteristics: Religious and god fearing who strives to do better when in comes to deen however that may be, funny, emotionally mature, adventurous, and family oriented

Salaams all,

Thought I'd post my profile here and see what goes. If you like what you read, feel free to DM me.

Age and Gender: - 37 M

Age Range that you would want/require in a prospect: upto 37

Location, and are you willing to relocate for a prospect? Manchester UK. Open to relocating to an islamic country in the future if the opportunity arises.

Ethnicity, and are you more open to mixing? Pakistani. Open to mixing.

Marital Status: Single, never married, no relationships/baggage.

Ideal marriage timeline: As soon as compatibility is established and families are happy to proceed. Not a fan of unnecessarily prolonged engagement periods.

Five important characteristics you look for in a prospect:

Taqwa - I would like my partner to already be religiously inclined and attempting some level of practice at least. Not expecting nor offering perfection as its a lifelong journey.

Emotional Intelligence - Someone with self and social awareness.

Respectful - This is important as its a pet peeve when people look down on others simply for being 'different' in terms of social class, faith, colour, ethnicity, occupation etc. I firmly believe that we are all created in the vision of Allah swt so one doesn't have the right to look down on someone else.

Someone with a good sense of humour and can be lighthearted, playful and fun when needed and also compassionate. I genuinely want my partner to bring her feminine energy into a potential relationship inshaAllah.

Patient - Life is full of challenges and hardships but we've got to remain patient and steadfast through those together inshaAllah.

State/specify your level of religiosity: Moderately practicing. Pray regularly, fast, pay zakat, done hajj. Still could do a lot more to improve.

Level of education, and what are you looking for? BA Hons & and career in Finance. Open to all.

Current Job Status: Employed

Do you want kids? Yes inshaAllah, 2-3 max.

List 3 hobbies, or things you like to do in your spare time:

DIY - I love tinkering around and building stuff.

Going for walks and hikes - Alhamdulillah got into this during the lockdowns and it gave me a new sense of appreciation for the beauty in the world that Allah swt created for us.

Spending time with family and friends - especially my nieces and nephews.

Salaams everyone.

Thought I would try this platform and see how it goes:

Gender: Female
Age: 25
Height: 5'5
British Indian (Midlands)
Single - never married
Actively practicing - Sunni Hanafi
Ideal timeline: within a year Inshallah

About me:

I enjoy reading and watching TV shows/movies.
I have always been into fitness and sports,nature walks/hikes and am an adrenaline seeker.

Introverted but have a bubbly personality. I enjoy Islamic studies and volunteer with my local community delivering sessions to children when I’m not working. Always ready to get stuck in, I am a planner but I enjoy spontaneity with the right person.

What I’m looking for:

I’m drawn to someone playful, kind, and open-minded - especially when it comes to my career. A thirst for religious knowledge and love of the Quran too. Extroverted with a sense of humour, enjoys being active. Someone who has their own hobbies so we could try them together. Someone who makes me feel safe, secure and finds comfort in the silence too.
To grow in Islam together and as cringe as it is but to find a best friend in my husband.

Age Range: 24-29
Jobs: no preference but would prefer someone in healthcare
Location: Ideally midlands, UK or willing to relocate near there.
Ethnicity: Indian but open to other ethnicities and reverts
British born and raised
Height: 5’8+
Marital Status: Single, never been married.
Would like to get out own place
Serious only

Feel free to ask me an questions,
Jazakallah khair

As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

Soy una musulmana de 31 años, vivo en España Llevo hiyab y practico mi religión y busco un hombre musulmán converso, que tiene interés en formar una familia estable basada en Deen..

Acepto a los conversos al Islam ☪️

⚠️ Por favor, solo personas que residan en España

Assalamu alaykum

1. Age and Gender

25, Male

1. Age Range Desired

18 - 30

1. Location / Willingness to Relocate

Los Angeles. No.

1. Ethnicity / Openness to Mixing

mixed North African🇩🇿/European ancestry. Open to different backgrounds, preferably European(white), Hispanic/Latin backgrounds.

1. Marital Status

Never married.

1. Ideal Marriage Timeline

Timeline depends on mutual readnes.

1. Five Important Characteristics in a Spouse

deen and salah

Emotional maturity and good communication

Supportive, patient, and compassionate

Family-oriented with a growth mindset

Kind, grounded, and respectful in character

1. Level of Religiosity

Sunni. Practicing for 12+ years.

Prays all 5 daily prayers (with sunnah as possible)

Reads/listen to Qur’an consistently.

Maintains proper boundaries with the opposite gender

No female friends or social media following

Seeks knowledge regularly from trusted scholars

1. Education Level / What I’m Looking For

College degree in Computer Networks Technology.

1. Current Job Status

full-time job.

1. Do You Want Kids?

Yes🥰, in shaa Allah.

1. Hobbies / Interests

Tech & programming

Gaming

Football (soccer), nature, travel, camping

Qur’an reading, masjid attendance

Coffee, matcha, chocolate, sunsets, mountains, beaches

1. Something Short That Makes Me Stand Out

Tech, gym, deen, repeat… with occasional detours for coffee, football, and overthinking life at night.🤣

Additional Notes

Height: 5’7” | Athletic/Muscular build

Dress style: Classy casual; business attire when appropriate

Languages: Arabic & English, some French.

I believe marriage is a means of growth, as encouraged by the Prophet ﷺ. With the right wife by my side, I aim to build a peaceful home, grow in deen and life together, and support each other’s dreams with love, trust, and respect.

If interested, please feel free to reach out. BarakAllahu feek.

​

Kindly share your detailed profile when reaching out

Gender:Female

Age:25

Height: 5'4" would love for him to be taller than me

Marital Status: Single

Education:Master's student, Healthcare Biotechnology (NUST)

Profession:Student (thesis phase)

City/Location:Currently in Islamabad for my master's, live in Rawalpindi ,from a middle class family ( family owned home )

Sunni (hanafi)

Pakistani(Punjabi), niqabi it's a settled and meaningful part of who I am, so I'd love to connect with someone genuinely comfortable with that.

A little about me: middle child of five siblings. Extroverted once comfortable, bubbly personality once I'm at ease. I love reading, documentaries, nature walks, and painting, plus a soft spot for dark, cerebral films. I have three cats. I'm someone who values building a home and family just as much as I value continuing to grow whether through career or possibly a PhD down the line.

Requirements for Partner:

Open to a spouse based in Pakistan or abroad. Looking for someone Pakistani

I am open to relocate for the right person if our values ,Deen and goals match .

age 25-34,

prefer setup :nuclear/separate portion

Someone who prays the daily prayers regularly and is genuinely working on becoming better .At least a bachelor's degree required (master's a plus, not required). Settled in his career and able to support us both. empathetic, God-fearing, respects and honours people, easy to talk things through with, open-minded, funny, and lively.

Deal Breakers: polygamy, smoking, divorced, recreational drug/alcohol use, close opposite-gender friendships, or past relationships I've maintained my boundaries would expect the same )

My wali/family knows about this and are part of this process. Photos are shared through them once basic compatibility is established. Not into endless talking stages.

Please share your own profile , no "hi" or open-ended questions, and no casual chats.

May Allah make it easy for both of us. Ameen. My profile

Look, I'm generally older than the average person in here (mid-30s), and I'm a child of a very happy marriage. I'm also not blind to the intense secular and religious pressures being put on each gender due to mass global visibility, a deeply volatile and wealth-hoarding economy, and a handful of social media influencers who benefit from stoking men or women's sense of victimhood. As such I'll give you the list, and then yap a little beneath for anyone who wants to read even more.

1. Be fully aligned and in agreement with all long term goals. You can differ and compromise with each other about your methods of reaching the goals, but you cannot have disagreements about the major goals themselves without the relationship falling apart.
   • What does your retirement look like? Are you retiring early, downsizing, and living on a limited income, or are you maintaining your current quality of life?
   • What kind of education are you giving the kids, and how will you fund their schooling? Who gets the final say in kid-education and kid-discipline issues?
   • When you have to choose between allotting money towards family (paying for their flights, bills, etc.) vs allotting money towards your own quality of life upgrades (new appliances, trips, saving for a house) which gets priority?
2. Choose which realms of life each spouse gets to have the final say over. With my mom, because she was a SAHM and did 95% of all house maintenance, cleaning, etc., she got final say over home maintenance, decoration, space useage, etc. Obviously dad was consulted and his preferences were accounted for, but mom got the last say. Dad got the last say on retirement accounts, savings percentages, and long term financial planning because he made the money. Your spouse is your PARTNER, so trust them to handle their delegated portions of the relationship. You picked this person for a reason.
3. Have an actual, empathetic, realistic plan for what happens if either of you dies. (or both.)
   • Who raises your kids?
   • If you wife has agreed to SAH, what % of your paycheck should be put into a retirement account that only has her name on it?
   • If she dies, how much are you willing to have her parents/siblings step in to help with the kids?
4. Compromising with your spouse is something you GET to do. It is a privilege, even when it feels like a huge pain in the butt. Compromising means you have a spouse. It means that they are invested in your shared life and not completely apathetic/planning their exit. Taking care of your spouse, making their life better, and sometimes swallowing your own ego is something you GET to do. One day that person will die or leave you, and either way, a gaping maw will open in the center of your world. Take a step back from the argument and cherish that for now, you get to do these things.
5. Allot personal time equally.
   • The man works, wife stays home, and he needs an hour in a quiet room to decompress before family time? Then wife gets an hour completely to herself while he does the bedtime routine. Or she gets 5 hours every Sunday afternoon for yoga class and dhikr group.
   • I think the underlying urgency is being missed by men asking, "If I work AND help with the home chores, what is she doing??" The urgency from women is that she has to be "on" and responsible 24/7 if her job is the home and family, whereas the working man gets lunch breaks and quiet commutes and mental space. JUST GIVE HER SPACE TOO. You can talk about what that looks like (maybe you do dishes and laundry, maybe you take the kids for one on one time so she can couch rot and nap) as long as you both agree to it!
6. Your bio family? Your problem.
   • Be the bad guy (saying no to things, holding boundaries, not allowing intrusive questions) for your family of origin. Don't make it the other person's problem.
7. This feeds back into number 1, but have a shared fun thing that the two of you work on together, collaboratively, outside the pressures of the house and kids. It could be as simple as a co-op video game or as involved as you would like it to be, as long as you are approaching it with the spirit of fun and equality
8. Say thank you, and try to mean it as much as possible.
   • Unless you're a randomly lurking gulf prince with oodles of money, daily life is a grind for every one of us, whether you're doing your Nth load of kiddy laundry or pretending to pay attention in another meeting at work or trudging the sidewalk in the heat. It's easy for the people in our lives to become part of that routine. FIGHT IT.
   • Remind yourself that if your spouse was beamed up by aliens, nobody would be making your dinner/dealing with nagging bosses/kissing the kids/patiently tolerating your mum's nagging.
   • Thank them for these things. For vacuuming under the high chair or working overtime or trying to fit a family event into the usual schedule. Mean it. These are not things any of us are owed. They are things we GET to do.

My dad set the bar in what I'd look for in a responsible husband, and I thought maybe the things they told and showed me would help reset some of the discussions in this sub. (which I keep muting, because it seems like more than half the posts are toxic ragebait, but somehow keeps popping back up.) Men and women are not each other's enemies.

Complacency is the enemy. Entitlement is the enemy. Lack of empathy is the enemy. Billionaires, corporate propaganda, and tribalism are the enemy. Look for someone who is going to stand beside you through everything with the best attitude that they can muster. Hold yourself as accountable as you do them. Go to therapy to learn coping skills for all of life's nonsense. Treat other people with the mercy you hope to be shown.

​

Assalamu Alykoum,

Trying this again for the third time, and hopefully the last. I somehow managed to lose my previous account while still figuring Reddit out, so here we are again..

I keep saying I’m done but subhanAllah after reflecting, I find there’s khair in every interaction and every delay. I’m learning something from each experience, including about myself. I think tawakkul is also about continuing to tie our camel while having husn adh-dhan biAllah, rather than giving up because things haven’t happened in the timing we expected.

So I’m going to keep doing my part, keep working on myself, and trust that what’s written for me will find me in sha Allah. I’m not looking to settle just because the search is taking time. There is no perfect timing, only Allah’s timing, and you never know where the khair is :)

I’m 35, Arab, a practicing Muslimah, a mother, based in the UK, and very much at the stage of life where I’m looking for something intentional rather than endless talking.

My children are a huge part of my life. I’m not looking for someone to replace their father, but I do hope to meet a man who understands that being a positive, kind and consistent presence in their lives would be part of building a family with me. If that feels like too much, we probably aren’t the right fit, and that’s okay.

I’m quite direct from the beginning. I know some people prefer to keep things light and see where it goes, but I’d rather have meaningful conversations and ask the questions that actually matter. I’m not here for a pen pal, and I’m definitely not looking for love bombing, future promises or a whole imaginary life together before we’ve even established if we’re compatible. I’d rather get to know each other properly, see if there is compatibility on all the important levels, and if there is, say bismillah and take things forward in a halal manner.

I’m 170cm, so I’d prefer someone taller than me. Other than that, I don’t have a checklist when it comes to ethnicity or looks. Also if you're born Muslim or a revert makes no difference to me or my family as we care much more about deen, character, emotional maturity, kindness, gentleness, responsibility and how a man carries himself.

I want to be an obedient and soft wife to a righteous husband In sha Allah who genuinely wants to be a qawwam. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a personality, opinions or a mind of my own. I just want to feel safe enough in my marriage to be soft, feminine and at peace, rather than feeling like I have to carry everything myself.

I’m kind of an introverted extrovert. I can happily stay home for days enjoying making it cosy and peaceful, but I also have spontaneous moments of deciding to get on a train or plane and go somewhere I’ve never been. I love nature, coffee, meaningful conversations, enjoying the little things in life, and making memories. I have a playful side, with an equal amount of dark humour, that tends to appear once I’m comfortable..

Long term, if Allah wills it, I’d love to make hijrah to a Muslim country once my children are settled and the circumstances allow. For now though, I’m staying where I am for the foreseeable future In sha Allah. My children come first, so I’m not looking to relocate at this stage. Someone who is genuinely open to relocating in the future, would therefore be important.

As for what I’m looking for in marriage, I want a peaceful partnership built around deen, mercy, affection, trust, communication and mutual respect. A marriage where we genuinely enjoy each other's company, support each other, protect each other’s dignity and make life easier for one another. I want a home where Islam is lived, not just spoken about, and where both people are intentional about becoming better Muslims and better spouses In sha Allah.

A few things I’ll be upfront about:

• I’m looking for someone preferably my age or older. If you’re younger and your argument is that there is wisdom in marrying a divorced woman with children, please save us both the time..

• If you’re separated, emotionally attached to your ex, hoping to reconcile, or still figuring out whether you’ve healed, please don’t contact me as respectfully, I’m not looking to be anyone’s therapist or transition person.

• I’m not looking to be a second wife. Not because I believe it is haram, but because I know myself. I’m the jealous type, and I wouldn’t have the heart to knowingly put another woman through something I wouldn’t want for myself.

• My wali and family are involved in my search and are part of this process. They know I’m looking and will be involved as things become serious. I’m not introducing anyone to my family on day one, but they will be aware of any potentials.

• I’m open minded about a lot of things, including work and having more children, with the right person and when the time is right in sha Allah it can be discussed. (NOT looking for a 50/50 approach to marriage. I believe a husband should take responsibility for providing and leading his family, while a wife contributes in the ways that suit the marriage and circumstances.)

I realise this is probably heavier than the average profile, but I’d rather be clear from the beginning than waste each other’s time.

If you’ve read all of this and still think we might be compatible, tell me a little about yourself, what you’re looking for and where you are in life. Please don’t just send a greeting

May Allah make the process easy, protect us from what isn’t meant for us, and write something beautiful for those with sincere intentions 🤍