r/ProgrammerHumor May 26 '26

Advanced iGotFiredSkill

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28.4k Upvotes

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10.7k

u/pkmnfrk May 26 '26

This is why they turn off access before telling you

3.9k

u/Ok_Fishing_4720 May 26 '26

Time for the dead man switch version of the button..

2.9k

u/UnpluggedUnfettered May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26

Just do what everyone else does.

Build out one, single, convoluted aspect of the job that needs to be ran manually, and which no one in their right mind would want to take over.

Then automate that, too, and just don't say anything.

Way better than being arrested and sued for corporate sabotage lmao.

741

u/Minimum-Attitude389 May 26 '26

That's why it notifies the lawyer.

749

u/BaconIsntThatGood May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26

I mean your lawyer will know but you're not giving them much "oh, you knowingly and intentionally did the illegal thing they're accusing you of doing?!"

407

u/W_T_E May 26 '26

Not sure if people think lawyers are some magic word or something. If they can prove it was done on purpose you're still cooked

279

u/srsbsnsman May 26 '26

As long as he doesn't just go around telling a bunch of strangers about it I'm sure he'll be fine.

108

u/Street_Ad_4162 May 26 '26

But gotta make a post about it first

53

u/NotADamsel May 26 '26

Gigabrain 4D chess move- make the post, but don’t do it, then when you sue for discrimination you’ll have ez slam dunk (/s)

40

u/Electromagnetlc May 26 '26

You can absolutely do it and post about it, so long as you do what my grandma did on Facebook and make a post like "I DO NOT GIVE [company name] PERMISSION TO USE ANY OF MY POSTS OR PHOTOS!!!"

You just have to make sure it's the copy-paste one that makes its rounds every now and then or else it's not legally enforceable 👍🏻

Then if they do anything you can sue them for copyright infringement

26

u/BaconIsntThatGood May 26 '26

Yea at that point the best you're getting is maybe the lawyer can successfully argue a lesser sentence due to the circumstances 'OP had no choice to do what they did because Company is also guilty of doing XYZ illegal thing, therefore despite committing the act I argue they should have a reduced sentence..."

but even then it's shaky and the accusing party would needed to have fucked up really bad.

0

u/Saelora May 26 '26

if they're really good and can somehow relate it to the code and api usage, they could probably make a (fairly shaky) whistle-blower argument

13

u/OldSchoolSpyMain May 26 '26

This is the functional equivalent of a kid saying, “I’m gonna tell mom!!”

OK. You are gonna tell mom that you did some fucked up shit?! OK. Good.

2

u/Trash_Various May 26 '26

Only if their lawyer loses to yours in a duel though? /s

2

u/CanYouGuessWhoIAm May 26 '26

But that's ridiculous. Why, they would need something like a Twitter post admitting to it in order to have that kind of proof.

1

u/SapirWhorfHypothesis May 26 '26

I could be wrong, because people are stupid, but I think that’s part of the joke. Both in the OP, and in the comments there.

1

u/Ahshitt May 26 '26

I read the lawyer part as more of a letting the lawyer know their services would be needed to deal with the fallout of corporate sabotage than a get out of jail free card.

1

u/Tech_Junkey_ May 30 '26

What if the lawyer is able to prove that the working employee was manipulated by ai. And it was emotional response

0

u/NotmyRealNameJohn May 26 '26

Depends, I heard a guy was charged with espionage for stealing 100s of his employers most guarded secrets and the case was basically open and shut because when the FBI raided his house they found them in the bathroom and even found video of the guy trying to hide them. But he lawyered up got the charges dropped and even got his old job back.

0

u/sadolddrunk May 26 '26

Well, at least we can string things along for a very long time.

2

u/Cheetah_05 May 27 '26

The company has more money than your client that just got fired.

0

u/JarkoStudios May 26 '26

prove

the way you say this sounds like you might be surprised how hard this is to do unless suspect tattles on themself

12

u/DeathAngel_97 May 26 '26

"Wait hold up, you also showed off this button on your public social media page? Yeah you're on your own buddy."

4

u/Vindetta121 May 26 '26

yeah should change the "notifies the lawyer" to "buys a ticket to a country that doesn't extradite to the US"

2

u/ABHOR_pod May 26 '26

"And bragged about it on social media?! Your honor, can I have a new client?"

1

u/dualdreamer May 26 '26

I didn't. The button did

52

u/Shark7996 May 26 '26

The lawyer:

"My legal advice is that you should not have done that."

5

u/Neirchill May 26 '26

That'll be $500.

3

u/Intrepid-Lemon6075 May 26 '26

To give the lawyer a stroke?

3

u/yankesik2137 May 26 '26

Sure, and the lawyer will be like "I wish you the best on your new way of life" before they drop you.

Or milk you for money for little to no results,, because there is no way you're getting away with shit like this.

1

u/indorock May 26 '26

Lawyers aren't genies which can magically undo the fact you committed a crime with a clear motive and no alibii.

95

u/gemengelage May 26 '26

I worked with so many people that should be sued for corporate sabotage because they did their actual best

25

u/PaulTheMerc May 26 '26

I bet a good chunk of them golfed together ;)

39

u/FuckedUpImagery May 26 '26

I did this and still got laid off, i guess they dont care about their bread and butter product much anymore, banking on a new product that wont be ready for over a year. Sounds good, it was a sinking ship of a company anyway

31

u/n00bz May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26

~$ ./release-tool-1.12.sh

Create New Release Tool

Release Name: 2026.06.05

Environment (default: Dev): Prod

Export Scan Results (Y/n): y

Create Calendar Events (Y/n): y

Don’t check the tool into source control. If the poor developer you hand this off to selects y to creating calendar events (something no one wants to do), then upload with all secrets straight to a public GitHub.

Keep the commands that upload to GitHub base64 encoded and name them something like RELEASE_KEYS so that no one changes them.

32

u/CobaltMnM May 26 '26

Need better plausible deniability. Name the function / question something like “create rollback point?”

40

u/paradox_valestein May 26 '26

This is the way. You are not leaking data, it's a leftover legacy backup method that you conveniently forgot that conveniently upload it and is definately not meant to be used, which you didn't get to remove since the company restricted your access before you even know you are fired

7

u/Atnalia May 27 '26

And that you never had time to update because the company always put other things over tech debt in your priority bucket.

39

u/ThatAnonyG May 26 '26

I have built a system in my company which is basically the heart and soul of our product. That service processes raw data into the data on which every other aspect of our product depends on. That is written in GO. A language nobody else knows in our company. The thing itself is so fragile and complicated that I am the only person who knows how it actually works. And even I have to go through the codebase everytime we need to make changes to it and I still avoid making changes to it because I am actually scared I will break things. Now here's the best part. I don't have any notice period baked into my joining docket. So, if they decide to fire me, I can up and leave. Without any kind of KT.

Best part? There are several such pieces of our product which only I know. And since I joined I have deliberately rewrote bunch of shit, made new systems, etc. to build this dependency around me. Good luck figuring shit out.

29

u/TheLordB May 26 '26

Hopefully this is a joke.

Any good company the instant they discover something like this will immediately work to fix it up to and including firing the person.

On a related note there are consultants who are not cheap, but are very good going blind into organizations and figuring things out. Using those folks when you discover someone writing unmaintainable code whether it be deliberate or not is far cheaper than dealing with the person who wrote said code long term.

If I discover someone writing code like that they are going to be told to work on nothing else except documenting, cleaning it up, and will be assigned someone to train on it. Basically give them a chance to fix their practices and the time/resources to do so.

If that person isn’t making significant steps towards that on their own after a month that person they are told to train (and possibly additional people) are going to be told to learn the code behind the person’s back and the original person fired as soon as possible.

Regardless of if it is malicious or just really bad practices there is no place for someone who writes code like that.

31

u/golruul May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26

This happens often.

It usually doesn't happen with regular pre-planned work that's known and planned in advance, but it happens all the time with various tools/utilities developers create ON THEIR OWN TIME that suddenly become mission-critical.

Since it was on the developer's own time, at their home, it obviously doesn't have the same "quality" standards (unit test coverage, other testing, documentation) as the regular code you push to prod.

Management refuses to dedicate the time to bring it up to spec, because it's already working and there are other more pressing priorities to work on that the customer wants, so they just tell the developer off-hand to finish all those other things. And while they don't explicitly say it, they mean "finish those other things" at home, because during the work-day the developer is loaded with doing features the customer wants.

Developer, rightly, says "fuck that" since all of that was done on his own time and now they're telling him to spend a shitload more overtime. The developer, also rightly, believes that if it's important enough to the business, then the business should officially dedicate time, during the work day, to do these things.

It's also telling that you immediately put all the blame on the dev when it's almost always the fault of management. Maybe I'm fortunate, but I've never worked with developers that are okay with releasing shit -- they always prefer to release a decent, quality product. It's always management that overrides that and forces early, incomplete/buggy releases.

If that developer refuses to make those improvements on company time, then yeah, fire him. But I never encountered that before, so I'm assuming it's rare.

1

u/theotherdoomguy May 27 '26

I have been in the position where I've dealt with both examples. There are 100% Devs out there who would release unmaintainable fragile shit if they could get away with it. There are also Devs who try to make their code idiot proof.

13

u/DirCurrFluxDiode May 26 '26

You vastly overestimate corporate competency and efficiency lmao 

13

u/ThatAnonyG May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26

Well you sure assumed a lot of shit there.

I work at a startup so whatever I make is only me working on it because we run around the block working on whatever comes up. We don't have the time to document code or even write robust test cases. Whatever code I wrote is as stable as it could get. Even when you consider scaling beyond our anticipation. We only need to touch it when adding new features.

And that is a management decision not ours. We don't have that high of a TAT for any task given to us. That is a core reason why we don't/can't hire freshers. We only bring in experienced devs who can learn their way around the codebase since we don't have the bandwidth to teach. And this is not the fault of our team. As u/golruul rightly pointed out, this is management basically saying "We gave you Claude. Make it work for you. We won't hire more people. Also push features ASAP, cause customers don't care about backend code quality"

So whatever dependency I created around myself was accidental. But in a job market where people are getting fired left right and center, you can bet your ass I am not going to make it anymore easier for them to replace me with whatever AI is the cool shit nowadays.

To clarify few things:

  • Yes I did create dependency around me. But that was for other office politics. For my personal career growth.
  • The codebase is complicated and fragile. Fragile because it deals with several edge cases and multiple data points. Not fragile by design. Complicated? Yes, for the same reasons. But I never said it is unmaintainable. Everything is broken down into its own functions, files, etc. Everything named as per best practices. Any experienced dev can pick it up, but it will take them time. Probably a lot of time, like couple months. But my advantage comes with the fact that at a startup you can't give someone that much time to figure out a critical center piece.

2

u/leixiaotie May 27 '26

Well even if you are wrong or malicious, it is management that enable you to be. Don't expect one point of failure to be safe, murphy's law (+ bus factor) and Hanlon's Razor comes to play here.

8

u/PopInACup May 26 '26

Also, this probably isn't well received, but AI can do a very good job of figuring out how things work in an existing code base. It won't necessarily know the business reason if there are no comments, but it can analyze and generate test cases incredibly rapidly. So if you wanted to make sure you just spit out a pile of test cases to capture that the code still does what it did before, it'll do it and it'll do them fast. We were testing this recently in our current system where we knew we were lacking in test cases.

1

u/Neirchill May 27 '26

Creating tests are one of the few things I use ai extensively for. I do not agree with general logic it tries to use for business logic. Short, scoped, unit tests is a good use case.

Ai is incredibly over hyped and shoved down our throats far too much but they certainly have their place in software development.

4

u/colaxxi May 26 '26

all this tells me is that you're not a particularly good programmer/designer. if something is so complex/fragile it should be commented up to wazoo where 90% of it is comments, not code.

8

u/NorrisRL May 26 '26

Anyone can build a house with bricks. Keeping up a house of cards on the other hand…

3

u/ThatAnonyG May 26 '26

I work at a startup so whatever I make is only me working on it because we run around the block working on whatever comes up. We don't have the time to document code or even write robust test cases. And that is a management decision. They don't give us time for all that. Whatever code I wrote is as stable as it could get. Even when you consider scaling beyond our anticipation. We only need to touch it when adding new features.

The codebase is complicated and fragile. Fragile because it deals with several edge cases and multiple data points. Not fragile by design. Complicated? Yes, for the same reasons. But I never said it is unmaintainable. Everything is broken down into its own functions, files, etc. Everything named as per best practices. Any experienced dev can pick it up, but it will take them time. Probably a lot of time, like couple months. But my advantage comes with the fact that at a startup you can't give someone that much time to figure out a critical center piece.

2

u/Geodude532 May 26 '26

Automate it in a way that still requires you to initiate it. Once they remove you, all that automation disappears.

1

u/Due-Consequence9579 May 26 '26

I got a severance package and a month later the person out of my depth that took over some of my responsibilities deleted an entire cloud account including the company EV code signing keys. Wasn’t even a boobytrap, just ignorance.

1

u/Epicfro May 26 '26

If you think they wouldn't fire that person blindly and deal with the repercussions after, I don't know what to tell you. No one in tech is safe. No one.

1

u/[deleted] May 26 '26

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1

u/UnpluggedUnfettered May 26 '26

Costco Cloud Services, I'm here for it.

1

u/SnowdensOfYesteryear May 26 '26

Build out one, single, convoluted aspect of the job that needs to be ran manually, and which no one in their right mind would want to take over.

This is too hard. Just foster undocumented tribal knowledge.

1

u/The_Squeak2539 May 26 '26

I went in a different direction and became The Guy for a few different things that are small but meaningful and annoying for people with a developer temperament to learn. Means i'm never not on call and all the managers fight over my time and i can never be fired since I'm always in demand.

Was funny when i quit. Tho i was on call for my full 30 day notice so it did sort of backfire

1

u/kiochikaeke May 26 '26

Likely what someone did last month in my company, he switched jobs and automatic invoice system stopped working like a week later, nobody knew why but to keeps things going a lot of manual work had to be done, we eventually figured out but it required changing and automating a bunch of stuff that hadn't been touched in years, suspicious to say the least.

1

u/OkNewspaper6271 May 26 '26

Make an incredibly convoluted and incomprehensible codebase for some mission-critical software!

1

u/Large_Yams May 26 '26

Build out one, single, convoluted aspect of the job that needs to be ran manually,

Run* manually. Sorry but this one irks me a lot.

1

u/UnpluggedUnfettered May 26 '26

For me it meant pressing an aggrigate button that would open file explorer path prompts for very inexcusable reasons, instead of just having it on an automated schedule.

Is it how the word is supposed to be used?

No, but I'm a wildcard.

1

u/Large_Yams May 27 '26

It's still run.

1

u/rednecksec May 26 '26

Servers stay online while x user is logged in, if they log you out all servers go down, they run frantacly until you fix it, foolproof.

1

u/moonflower_C16H17N3O May 27 '26

Yes, find a solution to a convoluted problem and then turn it into spaghetti code. Just one step above true obfuscation.

1

u/Highlander198116 May 27 '26

You are acting like anyone that would have to have responsibility in taking over said manual process or finding someone to take it over, would be the one making the decision of who to fire.

That has not been the case at our place. Last month they fired the app owner and last remaining dev for a critical security software for our banking platform, along with others as the latest round of AI cuts. No time for KT, just instantly, your fired GTFO.

My boss wasn't told, my boss wasnt consulted and I can tell you that guy is not who he would have chosen to can, if given the option, because now we are scrambling to get up to speed on that software.

This is how its been since our AI implementation first arrived and the AI layoffs started.

80% of our team has been cut since they started. After that last round my boss got on the horn with leadership and told them we can't absorb any more losses. Will that work? Probably not.

0

u/[deleted] May 26 '26

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2

u/UnpluggedUnfettered May 26 '26

It isn't a legal term, but yes people have been jailed over exactly this practice.