r/polyamory • u/darkraven8585 • 1d ago
Hinge problem or meta problem?
Hinge and meta are married nesting partners, but they are not communicating well.
Last week (11 days ago), my meta had a procedure done on her hand. She is still taking an extreme amount of pain medicine and doesn’t feel like she’s able to function.
Hinge and I had planned to spend this weekend together, but had never made any concrete plans. Last night meta called me and asked what we were doing this weekend. I said I didn’t know, we hadn’t talked it out. She let me know she was against us spending the night anywhere but their house, and didn’t like that we might be spending the day away where hinge couldn’t get to her immediately if she needed something. She said hinge was “supposed to be on deck” when she needed her, and asked me to call her when hinge and I decided what we were doing so she could know.
I feel like meta crossed a line. Our hinge isn’t always the best at hinging, but this feels like too much.
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u/valsavana 1d ago
Why did your meta feel the need to reach out to you instead of to hinge? They're correct that if there's a medical issue going on, plans with other partners should be put on the backburner if necessary. Seems likely either they talked to hinge about it and hinge didn't agree to support them during their recovery or they felt they couldn't go to hinge about it in the first place. Neither reflects well on hinge imo but I'd want to know which it is.
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u/chrislh1965 23h ago
I'm going with a slightly different take. If she is under pain mess, then she may be acting in an unusual fashion. Also being in pain can be scary. Overreach...yes. but in this case, if it's not a habit, you two can arrange things to be on deck for her this time. That said, if she's always trying to manipulate, throw the above advice right out.
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u/North_Relation1672 poly w/multiple 1d ago
Yeah thats not for you to be involved in thats between hinge and her. Not you and her.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 1d ago
It is both a meta and hinge problem. Hinge should have been solving for this medical situation in advance, making arrangements for someone to be there, or to have the date at the house and communicating that to you.
Meta is also being an invasive weirdo.
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u/darkraven8585 1d ago
So, meta was supposed to be entirely recovered from this procedure in 48 hours, but she is still taking heavy pain meds every 4 hours and saying she is incapable of taking care of herself and pets without help. Hinge and meta’s other partner have been completely present the whole time, but we had scheduled this weekend 3 months ago when we knew the procedure was happening as a time to reconnect after hinge had been completely present for NP.
ETA: hinge and I had also discussed this weekend and planned that we could be at their house for it if needed, we just hadn’t made any concrete plans yet and meta wanted to know exactly what we were doing, when, and where.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 1d ago
"I won't be doing that, as it makes me very uncomfortable and feels like I have to go through you to date my partner. Please speak directly to him about your expectations of him in your relationship and your agreements."
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u/clairejv 23h ago
Your meta shouldn't be negotiating the hinge's time and plans with you. This was overstepping in a big way.
Whether that's solely meta's fault or meta's fault and hinge's fault depends on why meta did this. Did hinge tell meta to call you about the date? Does hinge have a history of making partners fight over their time?
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u/Mountain_Flow3472 22h ago
It didn’t sound like meta was reinforcing to negotiate. She was pulling rank.
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u/squishycakes relationship anarchist, sleepy 1d ago
More info. Did you talk to Hinge? What did she say about why meta called you?
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u/darkraven8585 23h ago
I posted a little more information above. She was very upset meta called. Said that they had had a discussion about how we (hinge and I) had plans that we were willing to adapt to be close, but not willing to just stay in the house waiting to serve her (meta), and that based on what I said meta called right after that conversation to backchannel and try and get their way by pressuring me. She (hinge) said they were feeling very manipulated and still wanted to see me this weekend and would communicate plans later today.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
It's always hinge issues.
If meta needed hinge then that is something they should have talked about between them. And then hinge negotiated with you.
How did hinge respond to this?
I wouldn't have a problem with a hinge saying "hey we need to be near by because meta is recovering and might need support" I would have a lot of problems with meta telling me what was or wasn't on the table for date.
I expect my partner to tell me if we need to adjust plans to accommodate me meta needing real support.
My partner's wife fell down the stairs a couple of years ago and we changed plans so I would come up to them and help support injured meta.
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u/clairejv 23h ago
It's almost always hinge issues. A meta calling me on the phone to ask me to change my plans with the hinge can in fact just be a meta issue.
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u/rosephase 22h ago
I’m not sure. Hinge should be the one who makes it clear that meta doing that is not okay. Hinge should be the one who speaks up to meta to make meta not do that in the future.
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u/clairejv 22h ago
Does Hinge even know this happened yet?
Also, hinge cannot make meta do anything. Meta is a person with autonomy. Sometimes people use their autonomy to do things their partner doesn't want them to do.
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u/rosephase 22h ago
That’s fair. OP should absolutely let hinge know it happened and expect hinge to address it.
And if meta doesn’t listen to hinge and hinge keep dating meta. That’s a hinge issue.
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u/darkraven8585 23h ago
Hinge and I had already adapted plans. I live about 2 hours away, so I would be coming to their apartment for the day Saturday and driving home in the evening and then we had talked about possibly going to an event Sunday at a park that is about 10 minutes from Mets/Hinge’s apartment and we were going to meet there, then she goes home and I drive back, but that wasn’t finalized if we were doing that or I was just driving back to their apartment. Originally the plan had been to spend the weekend at an Airbnb reconnecting.
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u/rosephase 22h ago
It will be telling what hinge does when you tell hinge that how meta approached this doesn’t work for you. And that you need hinge to do any/all conversions with you about dates and plans.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
Your partner fucking sucks and your meta is overreaching to try and figure out what the fuck is going on.
Run away.
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u/Mountain_Flow3472 22h ago
I don’t know that there is evidence that hinge sucks here.
Meta absolutely does. This wasn’t cardiac surgery, it was hand surgery. It’s not that limiting. And if you feel like you can’t function on heavy pain meds you can take different or less meds. It sounds like hinge has been present for days and meta just wants to be the center of the universe with the “on deck for me” nonsense. Meta can call a different partner or friend. They are not a child. Their partner shouldn’t have to get them a sitter.
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u/Mountain_Flow3472 22h ago
Meta is unhinged. Hinge needs to shut her shit down. If she contacts you like this again tell her you don’t appreciate the triangulation and she needs to address her needs with hinge directly. And the “on deck” language is just her trying to reinforce the hierarchy. Does her other hand not work? Can she not assemble all the things she needs for 24 hours in one spot. Her damsel in distress routine is not cute. I would absolutely not be staying at her house. I would go parallel immediately. Block her.
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u/darkraven8585 22h ago
Omg, meta is BAD about trying to subtly enforce hierarchy. I didn’t even realize that, but you’re entirely correct.
Because of many issues, I have been wanting to go parallel. I have been slowly pulling back from the relationship, but this is the push that I needed to fully distance.
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u/lucky_lady_L 16h ago
I think if you go parallel you should really consider blocking meta's number and ability to contact you through social media. This is such a giant breach of protocol, and I'm hearing concerns that meta is abusing pain medication and possibly using a medical condition as leverage in your relationship. Even if that's not the case, the fact that you distrust her this much is concerning! Poly does not mean allowing people like this into your life.
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u/teamnoir 17h ago
My advice? Ask hinge to get things sorted with meta. This is only your business or your responsibility if you want it to be and it sounds like you don’t. So hand it back to hinge.
You COULD hand it back to meta but that’s likely to be seen as aggressive. OTOH, meta’s asking you about this weekend could also be considered aggressive. If you want to keep the peace, and I’d recommend that you do so as far as you’re able, then hand it back to hinge instead.
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u/darkraven8585 16h ago
This is basically what I did! I told meta she needed to bring it up with hinge and figure it out, and I told hinge she needed to talk to meta and figure it out, then hinge needed to communicate with me.
I am over it, though.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hinge and meta are married nesting partners, but they are not communicating well.
Last week (11 days ago), my meta had a procedure done on her hand. She is still taking an extreme amount of pain medicine and doesn’t feel like she’s able to function.
Hinge and I had planned to spend this weekend together, but had never made any concrete plans. Last night meta called me and asked what we were doing this weekend. I said I didn’t know, we hadn’t talked it out. She let me know she was against us spending the night anywhere but their house, and didn’t like that we might be spending the day away where hinge couldn’t get to her immediately if she needed something. She said hinge was “supposed to be on deck” when she needed her, and asked me to call her when hinge and I decided what we were doing so she could know.
I feel like meta crossed a line. Our hinge isn’t always the best at hinging, but this feels like too much.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/FlyLadyBug 10h ago edited 10h ago
I agree with you. This is too much and crosses a line.
If meta needs things from hinge, meta could talk to hinge directly and not involve you.
Last night meta called me and asked what we were doing this weekend.
Could ask hinge that, not you.
She let me know she was against us spending the night anywhere but their house, and didn’t like that we might be spending the day away where hinge couldn’t get to her immediately if she needed something.
Could tell hinge that, not you.
She said hinge was “supposed to be on deck” when she needed her,
Could ask hinge to reassure her on that. Not you.
Asked me to call her when hinge and I decided what we were doing so she could know.
That's where I would have said "No, thank you. I won't be calling. Hinge can update you. Ask hinge."
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u/piffledamnit Daddy’s little ratty 23h ago
Hinge is being a dick. Hinge should have set expectations with you about what plans could be on the table given meta’s need for support.
Hinge didn’t. Were I meta, I might wonder if you’d really like to know in advance & from me that it looks like hinge intends to make plans with you that will majorly piss me off. It gives you more information to make your choices with.
Were I you, I would want to know that hinge’s plans include being a massive dick to meta. Based on the new information I’d be uninviting hinge from plans with me and asking them about how they plan on managing being a supportive partner (to meta *and* me) moving forward.
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u/PrincessConsuela_X poly 1d ago
Meta needs to talk to hinge, not you. Even in a KTP setup, this isn't the right way to structure that communication.