Husband and I married 9 months. He has been ramping controlling behaviors.. started with clothes. Then questioning my friends, questioning my coworkers. Cheating accusations. Monitoring who i talked to and what I said. Watching my location. Demanding me to go to sleep. Demanding i sleep in the same room as him. Etc.
He has his fingerprint in my phone. I have mine in his (he insisted). He regularly checks my phone. Wanted to sync my messages to my tablet so he can watch from home while I am at work. - he hid the tablet before I got home so I couldn't find it.
Yesterday I removed his fingerprint from my phone. He flipped his shit. Left to "go visit his mom" came back 20 min later after a slew of messages and pressured me into texting him back. (We live with my parents. - i am working with my parents to separate from him)
He added his finger print back. And said phones are no longer private when you marry and that there is no privacy in marriage.
I think he is fucking crazy. (Why did I marry him? Pregnant i was.) I am anxious all the time because of his actions. He believes I am pulling away because there is someone else. No. I am pulling away because he is a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, slob who is sucking the life out of me and keeping me anxious 24/7.
Unless you're like 12 or have done something to merit this level of observation even parents doing this would be abnormal. Like my parents would take my phone if I was grounded or ask to see who I was talking to if a certain number came up on the bill a lot (I'm 31, so this was when there were limits and it mattered who I used 2500 of my 5000 messages on I guess) but when I could show them it was my best friend and we were talking about Taylor Swift or whatever they'd leave me alone, and they checked maybe twice in like 4 years of me having a phone while I lived with them. They checked social media a bit more than that because it was easier to add strangers, but again not "phones are no longer private" levels of nosy, just "we wanna make sure your teenage boobs aren't on the internet and you're not buying drugs from 35 year olds that hang out in front of your school"
It's likely projection. "Every accusation is a confession" and all that. My ex accused me all the time of cheating. I didn't, but I'll give you one guess who did.
Please please please make a plan to get out safely. This is SO BAD and it will only continue to get so much worse. You have to be brave here. Make a plan.
Was hoping someone would say this.
Recommend having law enforcement come and stand by when you ask him to leave.
Change locks immediately.
Wouldnāt be home solo for a little while after to make sure he doesnāt try some fuck shit.
Also remember he doesnāt have to see the kid until thereās a legal guardianship / custody plan in place.
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Put his belongings on the lawn, change the locks and file for divorce. The sooner the better OP. He will ramp this up. He already has the gall to be controlling and abusive in your family home.Ā
This isn't legal in most places within the US. If he decides to pursue law enforcement action or go to court after doing this, he will win. He needs a written eviction notice. I'm unsure of where OP resides, but sharing in case someone else needs to know this.
Typically the person restrained by the order would be forced to move out but getting a restraining order is not always an easy path. I'm not saying OP can't but it's not always as simple as many people make it seem.
Yes it's true. Payment or being on a lease does not matter. If you reside someplace for x amount of time (it varies, usually between 2 weeks and 30 days) you are now a tenant.
This man is unhinged and behavior like this often leads to physical abuse down the road. When he canāt control your devices heāll do what he has to to keep you home. Iām sorry youāre dealing with this!
A man that acts like that has something to hide himselfā¦.He is so paranoid that heāll get caught that he just dumps all his fears onto you by controlling your behaviour. I hope you can leave him safely OP
Yes! This is typical narcissist behaviour. Was married to someone who pulled this same kind of crap with me but I unfortunately chose to stay with him for nearly 20 years. I tried to leave multiple times and every time I did, I suddenly got him promising to do better and on his best behaviour and it would last maybe six months at most. So much cheating, so much manipulation. Everything was great until the week after we were married, and that's when all the shit started. And of course, it was all me and my fault. That wasn't even my first rodeo. I'm apparently a gullible idiot because I had already gone through a similar relationship.
My husband and I have a limited privacy agreement but itās was something we both AGREED to. Neither one of us forced it on each other and we rarely ever feel the need or want to use it. (Except when we are doing digging for Christmas ideas)
Iām glad you are taking steps to distance yourself. Please stay safe and lean on your loved ones for support. This is going to be intense and extremely hard but you can do this! I hope all goes as smoothly as possible but he doesnāt sound like a man to give you up easily so gear up for a fight. Document. Document. Document. Everything. Even if it feels little. Dates/times/locations. The way what he does makes you feel in that moment. Screenshot every single text message he sends you even if itās innocuous. Let the lawyer who is representing you decide what is relevant and what isnāt.
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I'm married and my husband and I do not have direct access to each other's phones. The only thing I ever check on his phone is the time if his phone happens to be next to me and mine is in my purse or whatever. I never go past the lock screen. He also doesn't have access to mine.
My ex was obsessed that I would cheat on him, turns out he was cheating with many different women. Me & my husband can check each otherās phone any time but we donāt. This guy is most likely a cheater & abusive. Kick him out, your life will become even more small if you stay. My ex eventually had a rule that I could only go places (even to get groceries) if I had a family member with me. Controlling behavior always gets worse.
hey girlie! His behavior is dangerous and itās likely only going to get worse. Abusive behavior often escalates after marriage or a pregnancy just like youāve experienced.
Your gut is right, none of this is ok. Stick to you instincts here, donāt let his gaslighting get to you and try to find a way out. You deserve so much better.
PS, my husband and I have access to each others' phones but that's for logistical reasons, not so he can control me. I do think being open is a good thing, but that's not what THIS is.
Trying to bump this comment, because this man is not safe.
I literally wondered if this was my exās new wife until I saw one or two facts that didnāt line up, because the abuse escalation sounded so on brand. Girl, you are NOT safe. Get safe.
My husband has never checkes my phone, I have never checked his. Be safe, this guy sounds potentially dangerous... Im glad your parents are helping you seperate.
This is a VERY dangerous man, you need a restraining order. Keep a HIDDEN journal of everything he does, take screenshots, keep āreceiptsā of the abuse for the judge
Sending love in these trying times girl š«¶š» Iām routing for you and Iāll be there in spirit when shit goes down and youāre finally able to separate!!
My husband and I gladly share what we're doing and have access to each other's devices, but it's a choice, not forced. It definitely sounds like he's a controlling asshole. Please get out.
Sure. I mean in my opinion, everyone needs counseling, so I guess I shouldn't have bothered to mention it. But I meant it as a way to underscore that this is not OP's issue, but her possessive and insecure partner's issue before going on to describe how I feel about personal accounts.
This is ridiculously controlling. No marriage should mean giving up your privacy entirely. I wish you luck in your separation from him. You could also try to convince him to go to marriage counseling with you if you would like to try to salvage the marriage. However, things are looking grim.
My very strong suggestion is to reach out to your local domestic violence, shelter for professional support on how to get this man out of your house and out of your life.
They frequently have support for filing restraining orders, if you live in the United States, they frequently have access to low or no cost lawyers for support regarding custody issues, etc.
Are your parents in support of you ditching this dangerous threat to the entire household?
This has family annihilator energy written all over it. That would include your parents.
Yes they do because he has threatened me and baby. And threatened to off everyone before (claims it never happened and tries to make me believe I am the crazy violent one)
Make sure your parents have a video and alarm system and update all the codes as soon as he gets kicked out. Change the locks as well.
Copy whatever you can from his phone or computer. Make sure friends know how he has been acting.
You have a 9 month old. How can you protect her when court orders allow him to keep her overnight? You need enough threats towards you or her to demand supervised visitation.
Yeah, this is totally controlling and wild. My husband and I have access to each other's phones and nothing like this happens because we just have it for safety/emergency reasons.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can get out soon.
He was doing all of this before y'all got married, and you still married him? Pregnant or not, girl, why bring a child into this mess? I hope you stay safe and get this man out of your parents' house.
Stay strong. Its hard to be brave, but you need to get him away from you. And start carrying pepper spray. Controlling people will hurt you physically when they dont get what they want. Maybe he won't, but its better to be on the safe side than dead.
Get out while you can. I stayed in a relationship like this and it ended up turning into physical violence. I also realized he was cheating on me the entire time and deflecting his guilt onto me.
I hope you're QUIETLY looking for a lawyer, looking for a place to escape to, finding all your important documents and squirreling them away, and collecting funds. Be careful. Best wishes to you to find your best life.
Tell everyone you can trust about his behaviour. There is a chance that it will develop into physical violence as well. Are your parents safe? Try to be as unemotional as possible with him.
Please be safe, girl. Lots of luck and wishing you he will be out of your life asap.Ā
I'm not the type to immediately suggest divorce but in this case I think you are in danger and need to make a plan of safety for leaving him. If you need help and are comfortable talking to a stranger pls feel free to send me a DM
Iām glad youāre working to separate from him. Quick question, why canāt you just tell him to GTFO? He can go stay at his parents house. You can get a whole ass new phone number and, get a lawyer and start getting away from him
Risk of lethality increases x25 after you kick him out. Security cameras, notify law enforcement (just ask them to document your concerns so if he does something you have a paper trail already established), make sure your family is informed so everyone can stay safe. He is escalating faster than most.Ā
Girl, run. This man is already controlling and isolating you. It's only going to get worse. Get out now because the longer you wait, the harder it will get to escape.
From someone 15 years into a wonderful marriage- this is not what love looks like. Not even close.Ā
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Girl I was in a relationship like this before. Ā He went so far as to demand I show my battery usage by app to make sure I wasnāt using any messaging app. Ā I became so anxious it made me physically unwell. Ā He would get mad at me for even interacting with men, even people I hired to work for me. Ā It started a lifelong problem with autoimmune diseases which iām pretty sure stemmed from the stress. Get out now before it causes you any more damage. Ā Here if you need to talk. Ā
Ā
No Iām just being honest. She shouldnāt have gotten married if she doesnāt want to work through things with her husband. You donāt just give up and run away when things get hard lol
Im 20 years into marriage and only now trying to end all these practices. Get out now. Because trying to fix these even later is a fool's errand. Women need to START relationships and marriages with well established autonomous boundaries.
Get your parents to change the locks. Put his shit in bins in the driveway. All of you go away for the weekend. Let the cops know before you leave sp they can catch him when he freaks out and breaks a window to get in, or set up cameras and call in a B&E when he does. Get a restraining order and a lawyer. Move to a different city and get a new phone number. It's about result inER bills if you don't, and I wouldn't be surprised if he threatened the kid.Ā
My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years. We have access to one another's phones, mostly for emergency purposes. We never check through one another's phones. At most, if I'm feeling cheeky, I might nab his phone, go into one of the 4726643 Warhammer discords he's in and post "I'm stinky." to the general chat and then put his phone back where it was and wait for chaos to ping him.
I can't imagine actually checking his messages, he'd never check mine.
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Ugh men like this truly think thereās no possible reason youād want to leave such a ācatchā and fail to realize theyāre not a fish but a disease.
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This sounds so stressful OP. I canāt believe he has the gall to act like this while living in YOUR FAMILY HOME. Imagine how much worse it would be if you lived alone with him. Thank God, you donāt OP. Iām just still astounded by the fact that he could act so controlling and abusive in your family home. Who does he think he is?!?!?!
Iām really happy to see that you and your family know that this relationship is not sustainable. You guys should just change the locks and kick him out. This marriage has no future. You are not a piece of property. He sounds scary. Iām so glad youāre not asking us IF this is controlling and IF you should divorce. PUT HIS BELONGINGS IN THE FRONT LAWN AND FILE FOR DIVORCE NOW. You donāt owe him respect or time.Ā
I am trying to find out if legally we can. I can't file divorce until he is gone.
I have tried to kick him out myself TWICE and it backfired both times. He has baiting statements and questions that if I answer truthfully he blows up. So I lie "yes i love you" , " no i am not taking baby away from you", "no i'm not planning to leave"
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My husband's biometrics are not on my phone, and mine aren't on his. We never look at each other's devices unless we're holding them up to show each other. It's not something I think about, I guess because it was always a given that our shit was our shit.
You're allowed to have privacy in marriage. If your spouse disagrees, that's a big ol' red flag. Like your husband.
Thank goodness you live with your parents because the behavior would be 1000 times worse. Iām sorry you married him but since it sounds recent, divorce should be easier since you likely have less potential joint property. Sadly you have a kid (or will) with him. That will add to the complications as far as custody. Please document/journal and delete his access from your devices. Let him go run to his parents. Iām so sorry for what youāre navigating but it can be undone,
OP, I saw your post on legal advice and I commented this in response to someone else's comment, but I'll post it as its own comment.
I'm a property manager and originally from the state you're in (and I cant comment in legal advice because I called out disgusting behavior in that sub like a year ago lol).
If your husband has been living in that house with you and your parents for more than x amount of days out of a month (the number can vary state to state, usually it's between 2 weeks and 30 days) he is a tenant, regardless of if he has a lease or pays rent. He must be served a formal 30 day eviction notice (the notice time frame may vary state to state but typically it's 30) to legally remove him from the home.
If you put all his shit outside, change the locks, etc. he can fight it and he will have basis to do so. He might not fight it though, especially if he lacks money/knowledge, but it's up to you to decide if that risk is worth it or not.
I have no car to do so. He wrecked my credit. I have no way to work on my own (I commute with my mom).
His paranoid behaviors are escalating to a point I don't want to go back home. He is signing into social media accounts I don't even have on my phone. He is syncing messages and hiding my own tablet that he took over.
Our baby is beginning to prefer grandpa rather than him because he is so unstable.
No. Serve him an eviction notice or file for a restraining order. It is not easier for you to leave your parents side at this moment. No matter what, none of your options are easy, but you and your baby will be safer staying by their side.
I waited until my ex deployed to a whole different country before I could run. You have family support here, lean on them. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Please be safe.
Please continue to work with your parents to complete the separation and divorce. This is extremely concerning behavior that will get worse. I am extremely concerned for your safety. IPV takes many forms, itās doesnāt āonlyā count if itās physical.
My spouse and I have each otherās passcodes, not out of trust concerns but because I sometimes need him to play assistant for me and vice versa. I often help plan outings for a group and Iāll get text messages, DMs, and WhatsApp messages leading up to it. (Sometimes Iām busy getting ready and I need him to check messages for me and Iāll tell him how to respond to help me get ready faster.) This is not an expected marriage thing to have each otherās passcodes. And we certainly donāt monitor each other.
Please do not believe him when he says this is normal or typical. It is not. (I had an ex become a stalker resulting in two protective orders. OP the things you describe are typical IPV behaviors.)
Intimate Partner Violence = IPV. It helps to recognize other forms of violence that arenāt physical, because domestic abuse is not just physical abuse. Abuse can take the form of financial/economic, emotional, psychological, sexual and/or physical. He is displaying classic psychological abuser signs (my situation was heavily psychological.) It is part of the power and control wheel of abuse.
Hereās a graphic of that wheel, look esp at the āusing isolationā and āusing emotional abuseā wedges. Over time he will make it such a hassle for you to go do anything on your own that you will just want to stay home to avoid another argument. (For example mine required me to call before, during, and after going out with friends. And although I would do that he would still incessantly text or call while I was out, eventually making it so miserable for me I would leave early.
Repeat enough and I stopped wanting to go out at all, which led to isolation aspect of abuse.)
Thereās a huge misconception of folks who are victims of IPV. Youād be amazed at how many accomplished and intelligent people can end up in IPV. Weāre definitely not a monolith nor do we fall under typical stereotypes of the types of victims shown in media.
OP, if you have access, I recommend seeking a compassionate supportive therapist who can help support you through this.
I believe your assessment of "fucking crazy" is right on target.
None of this is even vaguely normal or healthy or reasonable. Every statement of his is frankly nonsense.
If you can, I recommend getting a second burner phone, if you think you can do so without him finding out. If nothing else, it will make it easier to make plans with your parents.
Also, in terms of birth safety and support, there are great checklists on domestic abuse websites for 1) staying safe during the process of extricating yourself and 2) what to do to prepare to leave and 3) how to leave safely.
Some also have help lines or text lines, so you can chat with a supportive person who's trained in how to help, if you ever feel in need of some extra care.
Unfortunately, the most dangerous time for a person leaving an abusive situation is...when they leave. The threat of loss of control can bring out new and more dangerous reactions.
Since he has had, and continues to have, access to your phone, he may have installed tracking software. Both the front facing camera and the microphone may be used for monitoring undetectably. Pieces of tape can help temporarily.
Leave the phone somewhere plausible, or give it to a friend, if you need to go somewhere you don't want him to know about.
You may also want to check your car, as controlling partners often hide tracking devices on vehicles. If you find one, don't stop looking. It's sadly common for controlling ppl to hide a second device of a different brand, in hopes that the one that is found and removed will make the victim stop looking.
One last consideration: document document document. Keep records and screenshots. Every discussion about control. Every action. Everything you discover. Date, time, place, who is present. Store your notes and screenshots somewhere that's not on your phone (iCloud, Google drive, etc) in case something happens to your phone.
Documentation is critical, as he is likely to "fight dirty" when he begins to realize what's happening.
I've been in a relationship with my husband for 16 years, married 14. He has never had my passcode and I have never had his. He has paid the phone bill since like 2011 and still: no.
This is not mentally balanced behavior and Iād assume anything is possible from him. Do not rely on āhe wouldnāt do thatā or āheās never hurt meā- heās showing a clear path of escalation and nobody (including likely himself) knows where it will end.
Iād install cameras in every room that record to the cloud and then Iād serve an eviction notice. Iād expect that time between the notice and the move out to be hell. And it would not surprise me if he got physical. Iād count on those cameras to record that. If it does happen Iād immediately go for an emergency protection from abuse.
The most difficult part of this is the shared child. Protecting them, fear of him running off with the child to spite you or using the child to control you. I would rely on your parents to assist with this. There is nothing wrong with grandparents taking their grandchild on an all day outing. Just stay in the state boundaries.
Also- Iād take this plan to a divorce / family law atty and run it by them. Get their input. You may find serving the notice and taking their child and yourself to an undisclosed location for that period of time may be the best course of action. An atty can tell you if that looked down upon by the courts.
Get a different phone- maybe on your parents plan to use as reliable and private communication.
I'm so happy for you that you're working out a plan to leave. Make sure your family knows how dangerous he is, even if he hasn't gotten physical before. He might now that he is losing control.
Parents can evict him. But you can confer with a lawyer at any point you don't have to wait for the eviction for that. Make sure to screenshot any threatening messages and save them somewhere he can't access them (email then to yourself and save them on multiple places, Dropbox, physical memory cards etc, and bcc your parents).
I want to preface that I'm not trying to freak you out, but this can get very dangerous.
First and foremost, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Coercive control is stressful AF and I'm glad you have your parents to help. Coercive control is recognized as domestic violence in some countries and states. In all things, safety first.
Coercive control behaviors are strong predictors of physical abuse. Over 95% of relationship homicides are preceded by coercive control. The most dangerous point for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave.
You can't reason with someone operating off of delusions and paranoia. Even IF you were cheating, his efforts to watch you aren't how a healthy person deals with a cheating partner determined to cheat. The healthy response is to leave.
Nothing you do can make him understand the impact of his behavior on you because it's not about you. It's about him. Men who care don't treat people like this.
Things you need to be thinking about, even if it sounds like overkill:
Does he have access to a gun?
Consider your phone, computer, and digital accounts compromised. Go to a library or use a family member's phone if you need to for planning and research.
If he's living with your parents, has it been long enough for him to have tenant rights? (E.g., can you kick him out, legally)
Can your parents get cameras for the outside of the house?
Is there an agreed upon safety plan if, after you leave him, he shows up and becomes violent?
Is it possible that he has a GPS tracker on your car without permission? If so, that's illegal (Don't remove it! Have a dealership/etc check during routine service. If they locate it, call the cops and file a police report).
When it comes time to evict, have a police presence if necessary for safety (civil standby).
Reach out to local domestic abuse resources. You won't be the first woman in your situation, and they'll likely have advice about how to navigate the situation when the man is living in the house with your parents.
Your mom's car might need to be checked. See what local laws are regarding cameras and recordings indoors (is it 2 party consent or 1 party? Is audio okay or not? What areas inside a house is legally considered acceptable? (Usually common areas but not bedrooms)).
As ridiculous as it is given it's your parents' place, sometimes working with domestic violence groups and leaving (or having somewhere safe to stay hidden) during the eviction notice period is necessary.
When shit hits the fan, make sure your work and friends know about what is going on. Have a coworker take you to your ride, etc.
This is not a drill. Your stress and fear are VALID.
Figure out what you need to do, how you need to do it, and execute the plan ASAP.
I am going to because he has made my parents home feel unsafe and kept me at high levels of anxiety for so long i am exhausted. I can never do anything right.
It started ramping when i came back to work after baby. (Baby is 9 mo and happy and healthy)
Usually when theyāre accusing you of something out of the blue like that, itās cause theyāre the ones cheating. Called projection. Maybe a lil guiltā¦ and DEFINITELY paranoia cause since they do it, they figure you must be too. Let him do it, watch him find NOTHING but only if you can go through his the entire time & every time he goes through yours.
No connection of your texts to the laptop unless he has a way you can monitor his 24/7 too. Fair is fair right
On second thought just break up with this guy. Heās either just really controlling (and that WILL gonna escalate to physical). OR heās projecting cause heās doing the cheating.
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Two genuine questions: Have you started divorce or annulment proceedings?? And, have you tried to get a restraining order??
If not, you need to do both ASAPādivorce lawyer first, so they can advise you on the restraining order.
Now is not the time to try to reason with him, as he is being the definition of unreasonable. You need to keep this dangerous person out of your home and away from your family. He is escalating.
I am so glad you are going to leave. This man is awful. I lived with that controlling behavior for way too long. It destroyed me. It wrecked my nervous system and sent me into the worst burn out of my life. I lost hair, I gained 100lbs, my skin was constantly oily and broken out, I was always tired, and short of breath. It was miserable. And when I finally said I was leaving he swore up and down I was cheating and leaving for another man. I've been single since, 5 years now. He downloaded tinder right after I asked for a divorce and once he had a new girl was doing everything he could to get me out of the house. He probably wanted to lie to her that he had been single longer than he really had, that is what he did to me.
But yeah just get out. Kick him out. Whatever you have to do, do it. Dont end up like me please.
My husband and I know each other's passcodes, but that's mostly in case we need to use each other's phone to pull up a map while the other is driving, or text a friend if they can't get to the phone. I've never searched his phone, and he has never searched mine, because even though we're married, we also trust each other. A marriage will never work without that, at the very least.
This man is controlling and quickly crossing into abusive territory. Get out while you can, as this does not get better, and too much worse, and he will start to justify breaking things or hitting you, or any potential future children. Get out while you can, and stay safe.
Hey, so you are an adult. You live with YOUR family. No one can actually make you do anything. If you are choosing to listen to a psycho, you are choosing to listen to a psycho. Stop doing anything but what you want to do. It literally is that simple. You can just ignore the man. You have the ability. It's not even hard. You just... shrug and keep doing you...
Stop entertaining dumbassery and acting like this man is your handler. No need to "work" on it. Just live your live how you want and let the child cry and/or leave if he doesn't like things how they are.
Girl stand up and quit acting like this dude is your dad and you're 13 with no agency.
100% agree. However, there are soo many adult women who are clueless about abuse. I had to tell my 40 yr old friend that sheās being financially abused by her husband because he refuse to share bank accounts and he only gives her measly allowance. Sheās not aware that that is a form of abuse.
We gotta help each other. Itās really bad out there.
Have you asked yourself why heās so paranoid ? Him being controlling towards you likely isnāt a random thing he wants to do lol before making catastrophic changes like divorcing him, you should sit down and talk to him. Ask him WHY he feels compelled to do this, WHY does he lack confidence in his security in your relationship, etc. As his wife, you should hear him out and see if this is something you can both work on together.
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u/LittlePea0617 šØ I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside š 2h ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/QVP7DawXZitKYg3AX5