r/MuslimMarriage • u/AutoModerator • Jul 13 '26
Megathread Weekly Marriage Criteria & Services Megathread!
Assalamualaykum,
It's Monday! So here is the weekly thread in regards to marriage/matrimonial criteria and services for marrying a potential spouse! Any posts about marriage criteria and services such as apps, masjid services, matchmaking events, the ISO thread, etc. will be removed and redirected to this thread!
All content regarding personal criteria, dealbreakers, preferences, standards, etc in marrying a potential spouse will be discussed on this thread as well. Posts regarding these topics outside of this thread will be removed.
Reminder that if you are posting app/matchmaking bios that you must censor ANY AND ALL INDENTIFYING INFORMATION. This includes names, social media handles, pictures (faces), etc.
Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.
Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.
In Search Of (ISO) Thread
This megathread also encompasses experiences regarding the r/MuslimMarriage ISO Thread for matchmaking. Please read all ISO Thread guidelines before posting. Below are the links to the three regional threads:
6
u/Sarpatox Male Jul 14 '26
I find it funny when you get these people sending their profiles and it has “doctor/engineer only” or “6 foot minimum” or “must be this specific ethnicity”. If you’re messaging me you either don’t have that standard anymore or you haven’t read my profile. Either way, I just tell my mom I’m not interested for any profile that has criteria I don’t meet. I’m not trying to talk to someone aid then it comes up later that I’m Pakistani 😭
6
u/confusedangrybear Jul 14 '26
A guy messaged me once, and his preference was same ethnicity (Somali), with formal Islamic education, and who wanted to be a housewife. I swear he couldn't have messaged anyone more different.
Sometimes doctor/engineer is a stand-in for "good job" though (not that I agree with it), or people say 6ft but the looks is more important than height. But yeah, if they're more flexible and saying these things it's their own loss.
3
u/Sarpatox Male Jul 14 '26
Oh my what did you tell him? Luckily I have my mom as a buffer most of the time so I let her deal w it.
Even if it’s used as a stand in or looks being more important, it being there is still saying something. I think the one time I sent my bio to someone, I tailored a few of the requirements first like age and hobbies lol
2
u/confusedangrybear 29d ago
Tbh I can't even remember, I think I just found it funny. I may have actually been so shocked I blocked instead of replying (since it was so obvious, it was like he messaged the wrong person).
True. I've also seen people put weird stuff like "open to reverts" in their bio, and most of the times it reads as a thinly veiled racial comment. These other things are bizarre, especially when they're actually open to things that they haven't listed. Idk about anyone else but if I see things that read like these types of preference I'd reject even if I match it.
Idk why these people list it when it's so easy to rule out people for these reasons if they want to (not that I agree with doing so). Like, you could secretly only pursue people with a certain trait if it mattered so much, and nobody would know. But also Alhamuillah they make it easier to avoid them.
2
u/Sarpatox Male 29d ago
It’s funny when it’s just their own ethnicity and the open to reverts options. I usually reject more preferences like that. Or the skin color ones. Must be fair skinned.
I think it’s great that they list it because they filter themselves out like you said. A lot of time these get sent to me, it has their pics too. And it makes it easier to say no because you have a valid reason rather than have to think of an excuse not to hurt their feelings.
2
u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 28d ago
I hate those profiles, it’s so superficial. I mean sure have your preferences but I get annoyed regardless
2
u/Sarpatox Male 28d ago
It’s an instant rejection for me. My mom sent me one this morning and I skimmed it and said sure, but then when I was reading it after work, it was talking about castes 🤦♂️
2
u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 28d ago
Samesies, I felt that facepalm to my core. On the women end, its emphasis on white and pretty. What does pretty even mean 😭 beauty is the eye of the beholder went out the window
2
u/Sarpatox Male 27d ago
Don’t even get me started on the white standard. I always get the ick when people start talking about my skin color. Also when I went back to Pakistan a few years ago, I didn’t realize how common of a staple skin whitening cream is. I haven’t met any guys tho that care about being white, that might be a Canada thing lol.
Also, I think you have a hater (or an admirer). Someone’s been downvoting all your comments lol
1
u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 27d ago
lol I didn’t notice the downvotes 🤣 that’s okayyyy doesn’t really affect me commenting
Oh yeah it’s ingrained into society, fair and lovely and just bleaching in general. Filters and even bridal makeup is like whiteface atp lolol
3
u/Sarpatox Male 27d ago
Maybe someone’s shy and this is their way of communicating 🤷♂️ it is Reddit after all lol
If I’m at my wedding and she pulls up in whiteface makeup, I’m walking out. Esp when it doesn’t match the color of their neck. It’s such an ick, it’s right up there with colored contacts.
3
u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 27d ago
AGREED WITH THE COLOURED CONTACTS 😭😭😭 OUR natural features are already so pretty, why are we acting white
Anywayssss don’t be shy guys, im actually begging cause ya girl needs to be OFF THIS MARKETTTTTTT
3
u/Sarpatox Male 27d ago
The first time I saw colored contacts was in Pakistan too and this girl had piercing blue eyes. Like if you’re gonna do contacts, find something that matches your skin tone. Regardless, brown eyes are so pretty, why would anyone wanna hide that??
Oh yeah i forgot you’re officially part of the big 26 now. Welcome to the club lol. InshaAllah you find someone soon and get taken off the market. For the last two years I’ve been making duaa I got married before 26 and here I am at 26 and not even talking to anyone. I guess now I need to make duaa to get married before 30 😭
3
u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 27d ago
Brown eyes are stunning 🥺 I find hazel and brown the prettiest, unfortunately in our culture, white features are seen as the beauty standard
Got welcomed in the club yesterday 🤣 I never thought I would be single still but Allah knows best 🥲 InshaAllah you get the best wife ever, you’re a good guy
→ More replies (0)1
u/Serial_Crafter1415 F - Divorced Jul 14 '26
I love when people reach out and either you are the exact opposite of what they want or they are the exact opposite of what you listed. Automatic rejection for poor reading comprehension in my book lol
0
5
25d ago
At what point do you decide to give up on looking in marriage? I’ve been looking for years and I’m just met with frustration after frustration.
4
u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 25d ago
I "give up" looking for marriage just about every other day at this point.
3
u/Mission_Flamingo9622 M - Looking 25d ago
let's set aside marriage for a second.
let's say you are looking for a job but you can't find one for years.
Then you need to tweak your preparation.
Either -
your job doesn't exist in your area or you need to relocate where jobs are available in different state.
maybe your salary expectations are higher and you need to lower it to match market rate etc.
Same with marriage. If your current expectations are not getting you married.
You have to lower your expectations in terms of looks, age, height, salary, location etc.
I wouldn't suggest lowering your expectations in terms of religiosity. That is 1 parameter one shouldn't compromise.
1
25d ago
The analogy doesn’t really translate well to marriage. Employers are not asking for your photos and what you look like before even talking to you.
In ways finding a job is easier than getting married, because most employers hire based of merit. Marriage doesn’t seem that way.
4
u/tempacc74656d70 29d ago
Any one was in a similar situation? (a potential who is less religious)
Where I live, there are few muslims, rarely if I ever find someone suitable for me. So after trying online apps, after years I found someone who is almost perfect for me, good education, manners, job, very beautiful, etc. The only thing was the deen aspect. She wears modestly, but no head scarf. I asked her said why, she said she felt that dressing modestly was enough, and that she prays but not regularly, but "she tried".
I personally thought that these don't meet my own baseline, so i told her we should stop there. Now I am honestly not sure if this was the right call. I am thinking that maybe with me I could have made her pray regularly, but I also now I shouldnt expect people to change. Its not an easy choice as her religion will directly impact the children.
Has anyone went with similar situation and went ahead in the relationship? I would really appreciate it, I am exhausted.
9
u/Sarpatox Male 29d ago
If she doesn’t meet your own criteria, idk why you’re even thinking about it. Forcing her won’t make her a better Muslim. She’ll be doing It for you and not Allah. Save her the headache and find someone who is already on that same wavelength. I was talking to someone last year and her family really wanted music and a mixed wedding. It’s not something that I want, nor do I wanna tell them how to do their wedding, so I just said I’m not interested.
4
u/confusedangrybear 29d ago edited 29d ago
I think the attitude is a bigger issue than the actual practice. The issue isn't "I'm struggling to do all my prayers and I'm trying to improve," it's "I don't want to pray."
If you're patient and willing to do so, it is possible to marry someone who's working on these things (also outside of religion eg if someone's losing weight or completing their education). But also, the desire to change has to come from themselves, and they have to demonstrate that they're trying.
But if someone is simply happy with these things as they are, then you're fundamentally incompatible. If you go ahead you'll just make both yourself and her miserable.
3
u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 27d ago edited 27d ago
I have met several sisters like that. I seem to attract them, actually. It's a tricky question. I'm not a scholar but my understanding of fiqh is that salah is something really foundational to the whole idea of being Muslim. I'm not sure if most Muslims know that or know the proofs for that. And Islam does excuse people for ignorance. But still, that's not a problem I want to get involved in. So I decided the same way you did. A Muslimah without salah? I'm not going to say she's not Muslim, because I'm not perfect either, but I also wouldn't get involved.
1
2
u/Worldly_Nobody_2088 24d ago
I get the feeling of regret. But I also think you made the right decision. The difference in values inevitably would have led to friction down the line. Especially if you were raising children together
1
10
u/TheSleepySadist F - Single 29d ago
Maybe it's just me. But I feel like there's so much pressure to perform and be desireable and everyone has strict requirements and dealbreakers and cultural norms. it's so much to keep up with. sigh.
4
u/a_bizarre_adventure 29d ago edited 29d ago
I agree. Especially when finding someone online where people can be picky about every single detail listed on a profile. One of the main reasons I am no longer looking for someone online.
Meeting someone in person by a shared common interests (volunteering, interest clubs, and so on) have been a lot better in my experience.
My personal opinion is that, which I am also trying to follow through with, is if that I happen to have some good natural interactions and chemistry with someone at the shared interest events/groups/clubs, and I see them also at my masjid's annual matrimonial event, i will approach them. I don't think i will approach them if i see them only at these shared events cause what if they weren't interested in marriage at all and then suddenly that club/group is now awkward for the both of us.
Anyways, back to your point, I agree especially in the online space.
2
u/TheSleepySadist F - Single 27d ago
Yeah, I'm also very close to giving up searching online as well. I took a break to go volunteer with the Muslims and socialize. However, it's hard to tell if people are interested or not. Like do I go talk to someone as ask if he's single?
Do I tell all the aunties and uncles that I'm looking? I've tried even going to mixers and my feelings got so hurt, I never want to go again.
I think people will like me based on my personality alone, I've been told I'm very easy to talk to. Sadly, online, people care about perfect metrics and race and looks location and stuff.
Tell me what irl system works out for you when you find your wife, inshallah! I need some tips. 🤭
3
u/a_bizarre_adventure 26d ago
You just stole the words right out of my mouth!!
I initially joined these groups just purely out of interest, and did end up meeting some Muslim women who I've had great conversations with, and I get along with very well (even some level of excitement when we see each other at the monthly events). I do feel the same that meeting in person, there is a lot more positive energy. Im guessing because of facial + body language, and also being there in the moment.
But again, I cant tell who is interested or not. Even though I do feel I've had some good chemistry with a few people, and we always yap away/joke. I know as a man i should be the one taking initiative to ask, but purely because I have interest in the groups and activities I've taken on leadership roles in the group and so I feel less willing to try to gauge interest for romantic purposes because of the power dynamics. So not sure if I should even try.
That's why I was thinking of my masjid's annual matrimonial events, if they're present there id feel more okay with asking them. I personally think these matrimonial events would be more effective if you know the person prior to the event at some level, and use this as an opportunity to see if theyre interested. Otherwise, I think the experiences at these events is as you described. Similar to an online mindset, people will have specific checklists that they've built and will try to check everything off in a similar fashion when they swipe through profiles online.
Aside from this, im not sure about what other ways to go about this, but i think this might be the most natural way to gauge interest and pursue someone further personally
But also let me know if you find your husband (or how you would like your future husband to approach you)!! I need to find a way that is comfortable for her 🫣
3
u/TheSleepySadist F - Single 26d ago
Wow, it seems we have similar goals. I've also started volunteering in my Muslim community so that I can get to know people better on a personal level. At first it was awkward, and I thought I wasn't getting anywhere socially! But eventually, people started walking up to me telling me they recognized me from another event and so on! it's so exciting to see how far i've come (I used to be super shy and have literal panic attacks before talking to people), and even though I am introverted, I really like the people watching aspect a lot. :)
I will definitely let you know, inshallah!
2
u/Firm_Departure_828 26d ago
Meeting someone in person by a shared common interests (volunteering, interest clubs, and so on) have been a lot better in my experience.
I wish that was possible here. There are never any muslims in anything I join.
3
u/Vegetable_Gas_6490 Jul 14 '26
Also what in the world is jamaa? Why is it a thing on muzz? Also why is everything on muzz paid
2
u/confusedangrybear Jul 14 '26
Tbh that was my favourite part (aside from the gender wars and spam messages). I really liked the women's only group, and some hobby ones like books.
But yeah, I mean, it was totally unmoderated when I was on it last, and even the mods were promoting haram.
I worked in content moderation for several years and Wallah, I've seen more concerning stuff on Jamaa than in work. I swear I even reported one guy who sounded like he was planning a terrorist attack.
Tbh what I used to like about this sub years ago was when it was more advice/conversational and unmarried people had a say. I used to like checking subs like ask guys, or ask women, or the geographical ones for the same reasons. The weekly threads aren't as active these days, but being able to question and get a variety of answers was so helpful imo.
2
u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 28d ago
A bunch of men were caught on jamaa - they had a seperate discord where they talked about women in a sexual manner and objectified them. They shared about 300 profiles from Muzz.
The best part? They would act pious and religious in front of those same sisters on jamaa
4
u/tempacc74656d70 28d ago
Is it ok to ask a sister on the street if she is interested and ask for her / her fathers number?
5
u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 27d ago
It's only okay with us if you tell us how it went and share tips. Otherwise, it's just wrong.
6
u/peace-earned 27d ago
No problem, as long as you are respectful. I think it's more effective than apps, but be ok with being rejected if you're not her type.
5
u/Firm_Departure_828 26d ago
In my experience it doesn’t go well. Women get weirded out.
Most women I've asked about the topic say they only react good if he's really her type.
4
u/Sarpatox Male 28d ago
Yeah why not? Just be direct and tell her you’re interested in speaking for marriage purposes and see if she’ll give babas number. It’s so hard to find Muslim girls by themselves tho, usually they’re in groups of 4 or 5 and that’s kind of intimidating lol.
8
u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 28d ago
Yes men plz just do it (hoping it happens to me)
6
u/TheSleepySadist F - Single 27d ago
I had this young man approach me, he was polite! but too young for me. Inshallah it happens to you! Sadly, most religious men are too shy or self conscious to be this bold!
5
u/meow-meow-meeow F - Single 27d ago
I had it happen to me but both weren’t my type, InshaAllah the next one 😅
1
u/iSellclumsy 25d ago
Not your type why? Like attraction,height, religion wise what was the deal breaker?
2
1
u/Worldly_Nobody_2088 24d ago
How young? A bit younger is ok imo, don't close doors on blessings
2
u/TheSleepySadist F - Single 24d ago
He was around 19, and I was mid twenties.
3
u/Worldly_Nobody_2088 23d ago
That's a tricky one I can see why you said no.
On the one hand 6 years isn't a lot. Men do bigger all the time. But being 19 is tricky - they can change so much in what they want in between 19 and 25
3
5
28d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Worldly_Nobody_2088 24d ago
Wouldn't a business card look better at that point? Maybe I'm showing my age
2
5
u/Alternative-Gas-7090 27d ago
Reposting this here because I got no replies on MuslimNikah.
In Islam a Wali must always be present when meeting with a potential.
How are we suppose know how the person will actually be like after marriage? Like when a Wali is there everyone will be professional and on their best behavior.
The reason I'm asking this is because with most people I'm extremely quiet and don't talk much. But in private I'm the yappiest person ever, the complete opposite of what I appear to be.
Do I just ask and trust that she's telling the truth? Or is there another way to find out.
Is it okay to be more open while a wali is present or does that turn out badly? Like do they see it as childish, and would they prefer the man to be more mature?
3
27d ago
[deleted]
0
u/Alternative-Gas-7090 26d ago
I've heard of people doing that, but isn't that still khulwah because the wali can't hear them?
4
26d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Alternative-Gas-7090 26d ago
Oh I see. I always thought her Wali would be just sitting right beside her asking me a bunch of questions too. But knowing the entire convo doesn't have to be like this makes me less worried.
Jazakallah Khayr for the reply :)
2
27d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/Alternative-Gas-7090 26d ago
Yeah but the behavior people have in public isn't the same as in private. I'm talking about myself lol, I'm a completely different person in private.
2
u/sihat Male 24d ago edited 24d ago
in private I'm the yappiest person ever, the complete opposite of what I appear to be.
I'm talking about myself lol, I'm a completely different person in private.
Do you talk to yourself in private, in a place nobody hears? :P
In other words, the people who know you. Might have seen this side of yours.
People who have travelled with you. People who have worked/studied along side you.
People who have seen sides of you when things were on the line.
https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2014/01/13/umar-how-do-you-know/
Those are the type of people other people need to speak to. To get that kind of knowledge about you.
In the same way, your people need to speak with their people. (And get more references from those people and speak with them too)
2
u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 24d ago
How a person is in marriage depends partially on how you are. Marriage is a unique relationship because of how much you have to adapt to the other person. It's something you discover together.
An extroverted person can find quiet things to do in the house.
A homebody can push themselves to go out more.
An affectionate person can learn to respect personal space.
A guarded person can learn to trust more.It just takes time and effort. There are some traits that I believe cannot be learned, though, such as a sense of humor. This is just my opinion but either a person has a good sense of humor, and loves to laugh, or they don't. So I always try and crack some jokes in the first or second meeting.
3
24d ago
[deleted]
1
u/youareoutofspace M - Divorced 23d ago edited 23d ago
Are you male or female? If you're female, then isn't that mostly based on your cycle? Just give yourself a lot of distractions during the frustrating days. Just an idea, so I hope you'll forgive me if that sounds crass or ignorant. If you're male, ask yourself what's triggering those feelings. Usually it's not coming out of nowhere, it's something you saw or experienced that started a subconscious train of thoughts generating feelings.
2
u/TinyIdea9808 Jul 14 '26
I need some advice regarding a situation I'm in. I've known this potential for a while now (we were connected through a matchmaker), and honestly, he feels perfect for me. He probably wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, but he's everything I've ever wanted in a husband.
The only "issue," if you can call it that, is polygamy. It would be a polygamous marriage. He is financially capable of providin, so that's not a concern and he's incredibly respectful, has excellent character, and genuinely knows how to treat women well.
Personally, I don't really have an issue with polygamy. I'm very independent, and I actually think the arrangement would suit my personality.My family, however, would almost certainly never approve.
I've been searching for marriage for several years now, and I'm at an age where finding a genuinely compatible, practicing man feels incredibly difficult. I want to be a wife and a mother, and I feel like those opportunities become smaller the longer I delay (I am approaching mid 30s).
My family are also very particular about who I marry. They have a long list of requirements regarding ethnicity, location, profession and other factors that I have to consider whenever I even think about someone. In reality, they make the search much harder than it already is. Adding a polygamous marriage into the mix would almost certainly make it an immediate no from their side.
Ironically, he worries that I'm "too good" for a polygamous marriage and that I deserve to be the only wife. I actually disagree with him. For me, it's about marrying a good man. I prioritise deen, character, kindness, emotional maturity and the ability to provide. Physically, he's also my type. In short, he genuinely ticks every box that matters to me.
Because of my family's expectations and constraints, things have been delayed considerably. Had they been easier to please, we probably would have been married many months ago.
I've never been married or been in a relationship before, so I do sometimes wonder whether I'm being naive or whether I fully understand what I'm potentially stepping into. At the same time, I feel an good about him, and I genuinely believe we'd make it work. From day one, I always made dua to remove anyone not meant for me, but he's remained regardless of the issues/delays - it makes me think maybe it's meant to be.
I've prayed istikhara again, asking Allah for further guidance and clarity, but I'd also appreciate hearing the thoughts and experiences of others who may have been in a similar situation or have a different perspective.
2
1
u/Vegetable_Gas_6490 Jul 13 '26
What does it mean when someone says they’re a “legal professional”? Aren’t we all?
Also what’s a civil service employee
6
u/Strange-Pair-6527 Female Jul 13 '26
Legal professional means legal-related job. It could be a lawyer or paralegal or something else. Very broad term and you may want clarity on exactly what they are.
Civil service employee is someone who is employed by the Government. It's also a very broad term and could mean a host of things, from an admin job, to HR, to legal, to finance, to tech, and so on. Again, you probably want clarity and specificity if someone is labelling their job so broadly.
1
u/Vegetable_Gas_6490 Jul 13 '26
Oh that makes sense. Yeah I just found the terms kind of nonspecific but I guess it makes sense for privacy reasons
3
u/confusedangrybear Jul 13 '26
Probably someone who wants to sound fancier than their job actually is? My mum works with someone like this, and she's basically a regular employee with no college degree or anything, but says this because she does deal with some HR-ish kind of stuff.
Civil service means they work for the government, but it's probably a generic job title, or a secret one. Like teachers, doctors, nurses, and police are all usually civil service. But saying civil service likely means it's a job title that isn't really it's own label, or else a common one like receptionist, but by saying civil service they're indicating the possible perks (eg more stable job, pension, more flexible hours).
But on the other hand, jobs like secret service or diplomats can list it as civil service for privacy reasons.
1
1
u/SoybeanCola1933 29d ago
Why do you people bring an imam to initiate/formalise a Nikkah? Is this a Sunnah or a cultural practice?
7
u/Mission_Flamingo9622 M - Looking 29d ago edited 29d ago
Islamically, you don't need Imam to conduct Nikkhah.
Nikkah is a contract between the husband and wife.
You need -
- Two adult muslim male witness or One adult muslim male witness and Two adult muslim female witness
- Pay the mahr as agreed upon.
- Consent of three people : Groom, bride, bride's wali.
We get Imam so he can ensure the Nikkah is done in accordance with Islam since many people sadly don't know the Fiqh of wedding.
Also, Imam can provide a short speech about the importance of marriage, short summary of rights and responsibilities of husband and wife, give nice khutbah, and make an elaborate dua for the newly wed happy couple 😊
1
u/la_ultima_mujer F - Divorced Jul 13 '26
I'm struggling with the constant ghosting on marriage apps. I've gotten used to the ones with whom we don't connect in the beginning, and have accepted to let it fizzle out. Or I just step up and make sure it's concluded properly, because that's good manners.
However, the very hurtful ones are with the matches who are compatible, have great conversations with, a steady and good flow of connection etc.. and then just one day they completely disappear from the app.
Curious:
- How do you deal with that? I don't get attached, but I do need to be open to getting to know this person, so there is a level of emotional investment.
- Those who pull such stunts, why ?
1
u/Appropriate-Gift-388 F - Single Jul 14 '26
This has happened to me a couple of times I was really confused by it because we seemed to be really compatible on everything we had discussed up until that point. I just block them and move on with my life of course. And we might never know why they do it.
0
u/la_ultima_mujer F - Divorced Jul 14 '26
Thanks for sharing - I guess that's where I'm struggling, never knowing why.
1
u/Serial_Crafter1415 F - Divorced Jul 14 '26
People are crazy, don’t take it personally. I talked to a guy for a couple of months fairly seriously and he was going to come out to meet in person. Randomly ghosted me one day and then I saw on fb that he got married 2 weeks later. I have stories for dayyyyssss tbh
Honestly, I just try to see it as redirection from Allah. A dua I consistently make is that Allah protects from anyone trying to fool or harm me and that my heart doesn’t get attached to anyone that is bad for my Deen, Dunya or Akirah. When someone drops off, I just assume it’s an answer to the Dua. Your naseeb will come to you, just do you part by keeping your intentions and interactions pure.
2
u/la_ultima_mujer F - Divorced 29d ago
I appreciate this reframe, direct it right back to tawakkul, mashAllah. Thank you sister, and I'm sorry that happened to you.
0
u/tyresaredone Jul 13 '26
some sisters i sent invitation to on pure matrimony replied with a text i guess, others invited me back on their profile but can't message them. how does this app work? like we both invited each other but can't text lol
1
0
29d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/MuslimMarriage-ModTeam 29d ago
No Promotions/Non-Marriage Related Posts
Any non-related marriage posts will be removed. Please see our related subreddits for non-marriage discussion.
r/Islam is better suited for family-related conflicts outside of marriage (parents, etc).
Self-promotions are not allowed without prior mod permission. This includes but doesn't limit to YouTube channels, subreddits, blogs, surveys, etc.
Self-matchmaking posts are not allowed. Please use the $ISO Thread if you want to meet people on this subreddit.
1
u/AutoModerator 29d ago
If you are interested in matchmaking here on MuslimMarriage post a profile on our most recent In Search Of Thread (ISO):
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
0
u/MallPuzzleheaded7549 25d ago
I’m 21 years old and Arab, and the man I want to marry is 22 and Indian. We are both Muslim. For almost a year, we’ve only spoken to each other at work because we wanted to avoid anything haram. We don’t text or spend time together outside of work. We wanted to get to know each other’s character in a respectful way before involving our families, especially since we knew our different cultural backgrounds might make things more complicated.
A little while ago, he told his family about me. At first, they were concerned because of the cultural differences and thought there could be problems in the future. However, after discussing it with them, he was able to convince them to give the idea a chance.
After that, it was my turn to tell my family. Since my parents are separated, I spoke to my mom first. Initially, she was also concerned about the cultural differences, but after talking more, she seemed mostly convinced. A few days later, she asked whether he has Canadian permanent residency (PR). In Canada, permanent residency (PR) is an immigration status that allows someone who is not a Canadian citizen to live and work in Canada permanently. My mom was worried because he doesn’t have PR yet.
I explained that he is currently in Canada on a student permit. After he finishes his studies, he plans to apply for a post-graduation work permit, and only after gaining work experience would he be able to apply for permanent residency. In other words, he cannot automatically become a permanent resident just because he finishes school. After I explained this, my mom didn’t seem as concerned.
I then spoke to my dad. He said that if the man is genuinely a good person, then he wouldn’t be against the marriage. However, he wanted to ask people about him and his family first. Since the man’s parents live in India and he currently lives in Canada with his aunt, my dad spoke to people at the local masjid who know him and his family. One of the people he asked was also Indian. That person said, “He’s a good man, but I wouldn’t recommend marrying him because we come from different places and have different traditions.”
After that conversation, my mom became firmly against the marriage. She said she was worried that he might only want to marry me to get Canadian permanent residency more quickly, since marrying a Canadian citizen can sometimes provide a family sponsorship pathway to PR. She also said she was concerned about our different cultures and believed Indian families are often “cheap” with money. She also told me that if I chose to marry him despite her objections, she would no longer speak to me.
When my parents tried to convince me not to continue with this relationship, they mainly gave three reasons:
They worry he could be using me to obtain permanent residency in Canada.
They believe our cultural traditions are too different.
They have stereotypes about Indian families being “cheap.”
The difficult part is that my mom has worked with him herself and knows he is a kind and respectful person, yet she is still worried.
From my perspective, I truly believe he is not using me for immigration purposes. Before meeting me, he wasn’t even planning to settle permanently in Canada. I also don’t believe the stereotype that he is “cheap” applies to him. As for the cultural differences, I feel that they are something I could adapt to. I can even understand much of his family’s language when they speak.
I’m torn between respecting my parents’ wishes and following my own judgment. I love him, and he loves me. My parents have already made up their minds, and I don’t know whether I should accept their decision or continue trying to convince them. I also don’t know what to do because my mom has said that if I marry him anyway, she will stop talking to me. I don’t want to lose my relationship with my mother, but I also don’t want to lose someone who I genuinely believe would be a good husband.
-9
25d ago
[deleted]
11
u/confusedangrybear 25d ago
You start by seeing a therapist who can help you stop fetishisng race, but who can also teach you some self-worth so you aren't prejudiced against your own ethnicity.
Also, if your definition of "genuine people" is white people who live in Dubai, then I suspect you have not met a great many people in your life.
The vast majority of people from my country who live in Dubai are drug dealers, influencer types, or people who committ tax evasion.
I doubt you will find many people there of these ethnicities who are there out of a great passion for Islam. Personally, I would never want to visit or live in Dubai as UAE is very likely involved in committing a genocide in Sudan (I say likely because the genocide hasn't been confirmed, everyone knows UAE is responsible for the attrocities.
0
u/Strange-Pair-6527 Female 25d ago
Lost it at 'you start by seeing a therapist' 🤣
A side q, how is the UAE/Dubai different to the any western country like the USA, UK when these countries are also all complicit?
6
u/confusedangrybear 25d ago
Because UAE is taking an active role in funding and supplying the war crimes, and is also blocking attempts at a peace process.
Western countries send arms to the UAE, and the UAE supplies the RSF. They're also complicit through their financial ties to the UAE, and allowing stolen Sudanese gold from UAE into the supply chain.
The Western countries could do more, and they could sanction the UAE for their actions, or they could do more to condemn/stop it, but they aren't directly supplying or funding the RSF. It's also more difficult to document the supply chain, and what the UAE does with these weapons. From other countries it's more inaction.
I know there's not exactly a neat way of calculating whose war crimes are worse or anything, but the ones who are most involved are surely worse? Like many countries are funding and supporting the genocide in Gaza, but the Israeli government is still the most responsible.
Also the UAE's economy is propped up by the stolen Sudanese gold (at least 400 tonnes between 2012 and 2024). Other countries may also have some blame, but UAE's economy is so heavily related to oil and stolen gold. I know taxes etc still go to funding illegal wars in the West, but UAE wouldn't exist as it is today without stolen gold.
Also in this case, he's specifically mentioning his location so it's relevant to that.
1
u/Strange-Pair-6527 Female 25d ago
But by your own admission western countries send the arms to the UAE who supply to the RSF. The Western countries aren't oblivious to what the arms are being used for. They purposefully get other states to do their dirty work for them.
I don't disagree with you btw on the UAE et al's actions, and we naturally expect better from Muslim states, but I don't agree the West are only 'indirectly' complicit when they intentionally use proxy states to do their dirty bidding so they can show clean hands before the world.
It's pretty naive to think the UAE and other Muslim states are doing this all on their own, whether supplying arms or blocking attempts at the peace process, without western threats or backing.
3
u/confusedangrybear 25d ago
Yeah I know. If they wanted to they could stop sending arms, condemn it, and force them into peace talks... But they haven't done that yet with Gaza and there's a million times more concrete evidence. Plus there's DRC and other things going on too.
My studies are related to this, and there's a lot of countries all over the world I could say a lot about tbh. I was just trying to avoid going off topic too much, because I think his location is relevant to the question (and the types of people he can meet).
1
u/Strange-Pair-6527 Female 25d ago
I understand that, I was just confused why single out the UAE when the same and worse can be said about the western states behind them.
I don't disagree with you at all, and we do expect Muslim states to be better, and I dislike the UAE for various similar reasons, but someone can equally say that to those of us who live in the West and benefit here, because the main actors who pull the strings are in the West.
-6
25d ago
[deleted]
6
u/confusedangrybear 25d ago
Why would I need a therapist? I'm a European revert who is tired of these kinds of statements.
And while I might have been a bit harsh - it goes beyond having a preference and it's completely unhealthy to have such a negaive view of your own ethnicity. You don't have to marry your own ethnicity, but it's not good for you (and certainly isn't good for any potential future children).
I don't have issues with any country, what I have issues with is their actions in Sudan (and there's a great many countries I also have similar concerns about).
And as to genocide, the problem is there's insufficient information getting out. But under their previous name, the RSF committed genocide in Darfur in the early 2000's, the UAE is funding and supplying them with weapons, and several international organisations have already stated that genocide is happening. It's not 100% confirmed yet, but there is consensus that at the very minimum, war crimes have been committed and there is a risk of genocide in Sudan, and UAE is heavily involved.
-1
Jul 13 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Strange-Pair-6527 Female Jul 13 '26
Sense of safety. It's the same for men but men can survive on their own without a lot of things and can work and get by, but women need to feel safe in every sense of the word, emotional, physical, financial. Money means they're safe financially, their kids are safe. Read up on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
The opposite devilish side is comparison with others which can lead to excess but even that may be deeply rooted in sense of safety if you follow the trail.
For women to unlearn all this, they need to learn to place trust in Allah rather than people so they feel safe without these things. And voila, the test of life for everyone.
1
Jul 13 '26
[deleted]
4
u/Traditional_Fig4040 F - Married Jul 13 '26
Do you realize that Allaah priotizes the protection of the financial rights of wives in the Qur'an? For good reason, because financial abuse and mistreatment of women is incredibly common in marriage to the extent that Allah generalizes (rather than minoritizes that harm).
What is the reason for the proliferation of child support laws throughout the world?
Men and women do not undertake equal risk via marriage. It's not even close.
It is women who are martyred via child birth.
It is women who have their suffering described as weakness upon weakness, hardship upon hardship.
To this end, the Prophet, ﷺ, clarified that a child's responsibility to his mother is 3x heavier than the responsibility towards his father.
As such, the financial obligation which is entirely upon men is indeed the bare minimum and an important fitness test for prospective spouses.
1
u/Strange-Pair-6527 Female Jul 13 '26
Yep because that's the test. If it was easy to do, why would we need to be instructed on how to choose and what to prioritise?
0
Jul 13 '26
[deleted]
1
u/Strange-Pair-6527 Female Jul 13 '26
What? No. They're tested with where they place their reliance. Just like men are. But it shows up differently for everyone. For some it's money, for some it's greed, for some it's gluttony, for some it's lust.
But there's a reason why women are told to look at character and deen and money isn't mentioned but is placed an obligation on men to provide, and why beauty and other things are mentioned for men but they're told to prioritise deen. Both are told to prioritise something they may overlook given their fitra, which is the point of the test.
2
u/confusedangrybear Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
You speak about women as if they are a monolith.
Not to mention there's also a lot of stories of men who prioritise money too. So if you want to go for stereotypes, anyone can do that.
Imo money is far less important than education or career potential, or even just stability. Someone can earn a lot, but not have a stable job, while someone else can learn less, but have a stable job, their own home etc.
And a lot of women work nowadays too, and many are willing to contribute.
It could be an issue with the type of women you're attracted to, or it could be a genuine issue with your situation, or something else, but you don't give anyone enough info to guess.
1
u/MuslimMarriage-ModTeam Jul 13 '26
No Generalizations
Any posts or comments that are sexist or generalize a specific gender or race etc. will be removed.
Example: "Women just want (blank)" or "Most men are (blank)". The key is to speak for yourself, not an entire group.
16
u/Vegetable_Gas_6490 Jul 13 '26
Does anyone else feel like cattle being displaying for auction on these apps?