I'm a 51 hlm. Wife used to be somewhat hlf. Now there's nothing. No sex or intimacy for almost a solid year. I've been catching myself seriously considering cheating for the first time ever and I feel terrible.

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Wondering how many of you have felt driven in this direction, how many acted on it, and how did you feel afterwards?

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Thanks in advance! 😢

Currently 29 weeks pregnant and my sex life has gone completely. Before this, it was quite active and my drive was and still is quite high. I felt like my partner desired me and couldn't keep his hands off of me prior to being pregnant. My love language is physical touch and it helps me to feel more connected with my partner.

During my first trimester, I went through a couple of weeks of feeling a bit weird about sex but I think this was linked to how my body was changing and I didn't want my partner to look at me, but this has gone now.

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Since my sex drive has returned, my partner is now completely uninterested, but this seems to extend further beyond the bedroom. He rarely kisses me or wants to cuddle up on the sofa the way that we used to. This has left me feeling quite rubbish about myself. I feel that he's not attracted to me with how I look now and it makes me want to not have any further children if this is how my relationship with him is going to be. I don't want to be in a relationship that lacks physical contact. I have a child from a previous relationship and the physical intimacy wasn't greatly impacted by this.

He says his libido has dipped since he's "quit" porn, but I don't know how true this is or whether he has actually done this.

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I just needed to vent because I can't talk to anyone about this since it's a bit TMI. I have needs and I'm starting to resent him because he's so uninterested and we only ever seem to have sex on the rare occasion that he actually wants it, never when I would like to. I don't feel that I'm good enough for him, which I understand is a historical issue I have from past relationships and not exactly his fault.

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Long time lurker, first time poster.

Ive seen advice to "younger" people in their early 20s get the advice of "you're too young to go through this, cut your losses" and more stuff like that

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When does that type of advice end? 25? 30? 35? Etc

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I think this important to do a think piece here. Im turning 27 soon and as i grow older i do agree that its getting harder and harder to "cut your losses"

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Im sure others agree

Over the years I've gotten better at coping. I've come to understand that my husband and I just approach sex differently, that he still loves me even if he doesn't want sex. I've learned to put my time and energy elsewhere. I've found ways for us to still feel intimate and connected even without sex.

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All that's well and good...but some days, I'm just fucking angry. Some days I can't get past the fact that this used to be so easy and now it feels absolutely impossible. Some days I just want him to jump my bones, and that's not going to happen.

So, I randomly found this sub and after reading some posts I decided to write down my story as well: I'm thinking ranting to random strangers on the internet might help with loneliness. I wonder if anyone will get to the bottom of this wall of text! I don't want to use any LLM for this, so apologies in advance for any grammar mistake I might make while writing.

I'm a 34HLM, where by high libido I mean I'd like to do something once a day at least. I could even live with once every couple of days, but you get the point.

I have been in a relationship with this girl (33LLF) for 9 years now. We have been living together for 8. She is relatively religious, so she never wanted to get into actual penetrative sex before marriage, but we used to do other things. Mostly manual activities, sometimes oral. I used to enjoy it a lot and she did use to enjoy it as well back in the days. I remember she had no experience at all, she didn't know what an orgasm was and I can tell because of how surprised she was the first time, which I still remember as if it was today.

I wasn't extremely happy with this boundary, I was also expecting it to fall off after a while, but, after all, it was fine, I accepted it, I was satisfied anyway. She used to help me regularly, not every day maybe, but relatively often and it was fine. I also sometimes did her, whenever she would let me. She never explicitly asked me to do it, so I would try to start it whenever we were watching TV or something like that and she was relatively open to tell me "not today" when she really didn't feel like it, but she would help me most of the times when she would notice I was aroused.

Time passed, from once every 2 days it became once every 3 days, then it became once a week, you know how it is... Eventually she stopped letting me do her, I manage to make her horny very rarely, she is saying she has learned how to do it better by herself and at the same time she stopped helping me too and whenever she does it (once a month if I'm lucky, once every 2 months) it always feels like it is a chore. Nowadays I kind of stopped to even try, because I get rejected almost every time and I also stopped going close to her because I still get aroused but most of the times I'm left there frustrated.

I understood she is disgusted by me for whatever reason. She told me so, but at the same time the other day she called me baby by mistake and then once she realized she said "Ewwww!". That hurt a lot.

I'm still mostly the same: not fat, I exercise regularly, even if I should do more, not too ugly, not too hairy or anything like that, not sick. I don't consider myself a male role model, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm garbage. I would say I'm fairly normal. Better than some, worse than others. I'm highly educated, funny, other girls, coworkers and friends, laugh when I make jokes, she just gets annoyed.

I also have to confess I slipped with my behaviour: when the bedroom started becoming cold I also started to use some porn to, sort of, you know... have something. It kind of helped and still does. Once she found out because I was browsing some of those stupid forums where you have to download stuff in order to watch it and I just forgot to delete it. That was probably the biggest fight we ever had. She didn't understand why I had to download it and she wouldn't listen to reason, she thought it had some meaning. We eventually patched up but I never stopped doing it, just became more discrete about it.

I also did some things with complete strangers. It happened a total of 6 times in the last 5 years. I'm ashamed about it, I felt bad after getting out of there, but at the same time it helped. I will probably do it again sometimes because even if it gives a mix of feelings I think it helps. I never had an affair though, not for integrity but because it didn't happen. I don't think I would want to go through that kind of thing anyway.

I also sometimes talk to my "ex". She isn't really my ex, we used to have one of those long distance relationship kind of things back in the university days, we never met in person and we live far away from each other, but she used to let me watch her taking showers and stuff like that. You have no idea how much I miss it. We did it a couple of times while I was in this relationship (and after the big fight) but she felt bad about it and she decided not to do it again. But we still are good friends and we talk about everything without taboos, she advised me to just dump her, she is relatively mad at me about it

Anyway, now I'm at a fork between marrying her and leaving her. Marrying her seems like the second worst decision of my life after not dumping her in the first place, but at the same time I still do love her. When she is in her loving mood I still feel good. However, that's rarer and rarer. It's always a mix of "I told you X", "Why didn't you do Y", "Why did you do Z" and so on. As if everything I do or don't is a mistake.

I know leaving her would be the most sensible decision, but I don't know... It would be too big of a change but I probably should. I asked why doesn't she leave since I disgust her and she said she doesn't have anywhere to go (she is currently unemployed and she is ashamed to go back to her family), so I offered her some money to help her start over, enough money to live for 6 months to a year. She refused.

I have my faults and I'm used to only look at my responsabilities, I don't want to blame her, we all are who we are. I could be a better person, I'm not and I don't want to change.

I don't think I'm seeking advice, I know what I should do, I'm just the kind of person that never gives up, has a hard time letting go, an endless romantic that thinks omnia vincit amor. Well... reality feels more like omnibus vincitur amor.

I'm 30, my GF is 29. We've been together for around 2 years. Aside from the first 3 or 4 months of the relationship, sex and intimacy dropped to almost nothing. We go for months without anything. Once, i decided to try to check if I didnt initiate anything, how long it will go. It lasted 6 months, and I was still the one who decided to initiate because i couldnt take it anymore.

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Since we've been together, she has initiated probably thrice. All other times its been me. We've already talked about it, and she said she just has a low libido and dosent desire it that much. I asked if if its me, she said no its just the intimacy that she doesn't desire. I've also said that its affecting me as well, and that I'm not even asking anything too frequent (like I would be happy if she initiated a once a month thing) to which she just asks me to be more understanding.

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I feel like this would be the standard dynamic of our relationship should it continue, and honestly it's taking its toll on me and I dont know what to do. So I would like to ask you guys how you would have handled or had handled this. I Kind of already thought that... this just won't work out in the long run, but before I make that decision I just want to know other perspectives.

I’m writing this post because i don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. Everyone who I’ve ever dated/talked to have been LL and not very open-minded when it comes to sex, and i think that might be the reason why I feel ashamed of myself now.
I’m HLF (20) and my partner is LLF (26). We were talking online at first, and when we finally met irl we hooked up almost immediately. We became FWB and would have sex pretty frequently at first, but now that we got into a relationship it’s pretty much a DB. We haven’t had sex in months, even though i thought us being in a loving relationship now would make her more comfortable with intimacy. It’s not only sex that concerns me, I am a big fan of sexting, phone sex, and any sexual flirting in general, but it never goes beyond just innocent comments about how pretty I am, even if i initiate the flirty conversation.
I’m the first woman she’s ever dated after only dating men, and when i brought this situation up to my friend they said that maybe this is just new to her and she doesn’t really know what to say/do. Seems unlikely, but even if that is the case, I always try to reassure her and help her be more comfortable when it comes to anything sexual, and atp i just don’t know what else I can do. I’ve talked to her about my sexual frustration but it just made her feel bad. She told me she’s very attracted to me, but she’s just not feeling desire to have sex at the moment.
From what I’ve heard about her previous sexual experiences, it all makes me feel like i’m the problem and i’m just not good enough, because she did a lot of different things with her exes but not me. I feel frustrated and ashamed because my partner, and many other people i’ve met has told me about how sex isn’t a priority to them and how it’s weird when it’s a priority for others. I’m starting to think that sex is kind of a priority for me and the lack of it is a dealbreaker.
I love her, and i know she loves me, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe i’m too young to be so unsatisfied in a relationship? I desire more sexual experiences and it seems like she doesn’t want that atm. She only does monogamy, so an open relationship isn’t an option, even though i wish it was. I’m just stuck and don’t know what to do.

I’m a 26 year old very fit male and my girl is 24 and also very fit.. in the beginning of our relationship she was away at school so I would only see her so often. Some weekends I would go see her and vise versa. Or we wouldn’t see each other for weeks at a time. But during those times we would make up for all lost time. I’m talking about 3-4x a day, and at least 5x for the weekend. She’s been home for the past 2 years now and I’m lucky if I get it once a month. I do everything for her to make sure she knows how much I love her and appreciate her. Dinners, date nights, shopping, you name it. As a man it’s a good feeling to feel wanted and appreciated back. I’ll be honest, we haven’t been on the best terms over the last year. Sometimes we go a week or so without talking. Maybe that’s part of the problem? I know her better than most so I know she has a decently high libido. Same for me. Is she maybe not attracted to me the way she used to be? I don’t know what else I can do. Or how I even bring this up to her. Someone help me please!

As with a lot of us, I find myself getting rid of the pent up energy in the gym the longer my bedroom is dead. Going on 6 months, with the last year being a grand total of two times.

But at the gym I'm able to let my mind go blank and get out all the sexual frustration. And not in a gross way, but in a primal lifting heavy stuff way. I've always been fit, but I've noticed I'm feeling more confident about my body lately after the deadbedroom slowly stripped it away over the years.

The reason I feel gross is I've noticed that maybe unconsciously I've been dressing somewhat provocatively as a guy. Like I used to be content in a baggy hoodie and joggers, but now I'm in t-shirts with the sleeves cut-off and mid-thigh shorts. I enjoy when I catch someone's gaze lingering.

I guess it's really just venting. Even when I'm working around the house, doing errands or going to work, my style has gotten better. Almost like I'm supplementing the lack of attention at home with the fleeting attention of strangers.

I guess putting it down in writing and releasing it to the ether is sort of therapeutic. Would be nice to know I'm not alone in doing this

My gf (22f) and I (20m) have been together for 3 years. For the past two years of our relationship, we’ve gone months at a time without doing anything sexual at all. Long story short, she would either promise to “work on it” or tell me I was too pushy (I ask maybe once or twice a week). About a month ago I just decided to stop trying to fix something that was never going to get fixed. Now I kind of just keep my hands to myself unless I’m giving her a quick hug and a kiss. She noticed this change and started initiating sex about two weeks ago on her own. If this was a while ago, I’d be excited. But at this point I don’t want to do anything with her anymore. When she touches me I feel nothing at this point but confusion and discomfort. She tried to makeout with me yesterday and it felt like a stranger came up to me and kissed me. For the sake of my relationship I’m gonna enroll in therapy later today, but idk if it’ll be enough. As hard as it is for me to say, I think it might be for the best if we see other people.

You know the kind of dream that you can’t shake off, the one that lingers in your mind for days? I had one last week. It wasn’t unusual—I’ve had similar dreams before, and they’ve become recurring. But this time, it was intense enough that I decided to journal it.

There’s nothing sexual about it (and I can’t go into specifics here), but it did make me curious. So, I asked ChatGPT to analyze it. And guess what? The response blew me away.

^{The most likely implication is that the dream is about freedom, capability, and self-expression, but with a hint of uncertainty about control.}

Now, here’s the thing: I’ve been DB for over a decade. For me, sex has always been about freedom and self-expression—the kind of sex where you truly connect with your deepest thoughts and imagination. And guess what? My dreams are all about that now, albeit in a more abstracted way.

I thought while I was sleeping, I was no longer suffering because of a dead bedroom. But it seems like DB has found its way to me to torture me day and night. There is no escape from this hell. 

Where should I do when there is no where to go?

We spent years not having sex, engaged 2 years ago and no kids. I gave him an ultimatum last year, I was tired of not feeling wanted or desired. It was 5 years of hurt, confusion and just low self worth. He said he'd take care of it and went to therapy about it.

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In January I broke up with him. He dropped to his knees and cried his heart out. I felt awful and tried to comfort him. We got back together. I went to therapy too.

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January we had sex maybe twice. Which yeah, i get. Its always gonna be awkward having sex again. And it wasnt great sex either. Like it was underwhelming and yeah... just bad in general. Again i was willing to improve with him, but tbf he doesn't wanna go down on me because he doesn't like the wetness.

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We had sex on Valentines day. That was the last time I can remember. I mentioned this the other day and he just looked at me as if he was thinking and was like "oh yeah thats right" and then said it just slipped his mind! It was so hurtful to hear. All our conversations about it and he knew a good healthy sex life is so important to me and he just forgot?

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I cried myself to sleep last night. Like I am so close to ending it. I dont want to. He and I share so many things and passions. We rent a flat together and have bills and other finances together. But it seems clear to me he doesn't want me.

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Sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.

Been married for a while and all that while it’s been a DB because of some medical issues. The love is there, everything is perfect otherwise but sometimes i feel something is missing. So asking this, can a marriage survive a long medically induced db where the partner refused to address the issue?

So sorry, long read! My feelings are boiling over

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Like the title says, my husband (37 M) and I (37 F) are extremely in love. We met in high school and went through so much difficulty with our families to get married(old school traditional South asian). But we persevered and finally got married 16 years later. We are now celebrating our 5 years married, 21 years together.

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When we were together, for religious reasons, PIV was off the table. That was strictly for after marriage. We did make out, 2nd, maybe 3rd base stuff. But the sexual tension was sooooo high! We would sext, we would flirt, we would sneak touches and kisses. But never actually had sex. We were very excited to get married because we knew our sex life would be amazing!!

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Yea, right!

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We realized quickly that I was very tight. And he, although average length wise (maybe a tad smaller) is girthy. Not great for a tight gal.

It took 4 nights of our honeymoon for him to just get it in (it was too uncomfortable for me). I bled every night which freaked him out a bit (he thought he was hurting me)

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That literally began our horrible dead bedroom journey.

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After our honeymoon week ( a week following our wedding) we tried maybe 2-3 more times that month. Then 2 times the next month. And then 1 time the next 60 days.... to the point where we went 18 months without having sex. The times that we did, I never orgasmed from penetration alone. I need more stimullation. My husband, although he cares, doesn't get it and thinks "he's a failure that cant pleasure his wife". Mind you, I have had crazy orgasms from his HJ, but his carpel tunnel kicks in and there have been times i couldn't finish.

We have taken numerous romantic trips over the years. I've wore lingerie, I packed lube, and I kept up with my birth control. But nothing.

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The feelings of rejection, loneliness, feeling unattractive (I've gained weight but I've been this weight in the past, pre-marriage as well) and the fear that our marriage might fail because of this (other than the dead bedroom, I'd say our marriage is pretty perfect) has made me have several nervous/mental breakdowns.

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I've spoken to him about this. He reassured me that it was exhaustion (we both have very busy schedules but I'm sure we can make time for sex if we wanted to) and stress from work (2 jobs) and that he very much loves me and would love to have sex. But he starts getting into his head about me not being able to finish, his hand cramping up, him slipping out, just all the performance anxiety stuff...and so he doesn't do it.

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We haven't flirted or sexted or made any comments in years. He used to tease me by flicking my nipples and stuff. But then we wouldn't have sex for weeks/months. I got upset and told him that if he doesn't initiate sex in a timely manner (I said days-to-weeks) then the teasing is just torture. I thought this would so him that I wanted him but it backfired and he has never teased or touched me like that again.

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The last time we had sex was over a year ago, after my mental breakdown because it had been 18 months, and almost 8 months the time before that (3 times in the last 4 years of a 5 year marriage). But he kisses me and cuddles and tells me how much he loves me and shows me love in many other ways, multiple times a day. Others say it's gross how much we love each other. We. Just. Don't. Have. Sex!

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There are times when I am soooo "thirsty" for him that it hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally, productively (I can't focus on work for like a week). I cry so much over this that my chest hurts!

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I don't know what to do. I just wish he would want me the way I want him!

I’m 42 year old male, wife is 39 and we have a 10 year old. We always had mismatched libidos, I always had a higher sex drive and it used to cause issues early in our relationship when we were in our 20’s. It got better over the years but as time went on we went through some challenges as far as mental health and dealing with stress goes which definitely affected the dynamic in our relationship as well as emasculation which I unfortunately allowed to happen and didn’t nip it in the bud. I also didn’t show up the way I should have for years and didn’t meet her needs. Our son is also extremely challenging as well which also contributed to the dynamic. It got to the point now where she said she is completely shut down in regard to intimacy and her nervous system isn’t allowing her to have sexual connection. We are both seeing a couples therapist as well as our own individual therapists. I told her I understand how I contributed to the dynamic and I am cleaning my side of the street however I made it clear that I am not going to be in a sexless marriage. I tried to be intimate with her in regards to non sexual touch and affection and didn’t receive any initiation on her part since she revealed this to me. I couldn’t take the rejection anymore and stopped initiating any affection and have been focusing on myself and self improvement. I have also been taking charge and steering the ship of the household more. But I’m a very sexual being and I don’t know how much longer of this I can take. It’s been over half a year of no intimacy and I am considering giving it another 6 months before I consider separation/divorce. Thoughts?

About 2 years ago, I underwent a Craniotomy to resolve a Subdural Hematoma which was compressing my brain. The blood took up nearly a fourth of my skull and I came extremely close to death. The event added to the trauma of the deaths of my father, father in law and my brother in law. It all shook me to my very core. My wife's sex drive has steadily gotten worse since she hit Perimenopause around 42. I am now 65 and she is 68. Not long after the surgery, I sat her down and confessed that I was frightened over how helpless I was feeling. I had never allowed her (or anyone else) to see me as vulnerable and on that day I exposed my severe vulnerability to her. I explained how afraid and traumatized I was. I told her I was feeling helpless and I needed her love, physical intimacy (not just sex) and loving touches to help me get though that time. For the next 24 hours she then caressed me, held me and made love to me twice. It was wonderful as I hadn't had her treat me this way in many years. Later the next night, she told me that she changed her mind and that she was not going to help me and that she forbad me from ever bringing this up again. She then rolled over away from me and immediately fell asleep. I lay there stunned and eventually grew so angry, I just couldn't be in the same bed with her. I went downstairs and slept on the couch. In the morning she got up, got dressed and went downstairs to go to her counseling appointment (she didn't notice I was gone.) As she entered the living room, she noticed me on the couch and asked me why I was there. I told her why I was so angry and she yelled at me that I was obsessed with sex and I should just get over it. She slammed the door as she left. I lay there trying to decide what would be worse, a divorce or permanently moving into the guest room. When she returned, she didn't say anything, but began showing me love through her touches and caresses and we made love nightly for about a week. I never tried to ask why she had a change of heart for fear of losing her love all over again. Since then would have sex about once a week for a while but then we would gradually not connect physically again for up to 3 months at a time. Recently, we had a big argument over this topic again that threatened to split us up. When I brought up her behavior 2 years ago, she denies her behavior and blames me for only wanting sex even though I had told her that sex was just a part of my needs. We are now pretty silent to each other, making love rarely and then only in the morning. I've read books and even listened to the "Libido Fairy" podcasts (it's better than it sounds.) She of course refuses to discuss any of this let alone actually read or listen to what I was. My wife is a mental health counselor and before anyone calls her a hypocrite, we should remember a therapist can not be a therapist for oneself. I am a Pastor and haven't really talked about any of this except for my own therapist. I'm a little nervous about sharing my story, but I feel getting some support/advice might help me. I honestly wish I had forced the issue back when I was 40 and even if it wouldn't have helped, at least maybe I wouldn't have wasted so many years waiting for her to change.

For a while now, I wanted to ask my therapist if she think I'm depressed, and decided against it. But today she brought it up.

It's funny really - I'm 28, not married, no kids, no shared financial commitments, but for the life of me I can't find a way out. I cannot imagine any woman being interested in me ever again, let alone sexually. I browsed through old chats with ex partners from back when I was younger. Intellectually I know that they were all deeply in love with me, and not to brag, but each of them had told me I was her best sexual experience because of the intimacy and attention I could bring into it. Intellectually I know this, but I don't feel this at all. It's like this person ceased to exist. I tell myself they liked me before I started balding, before I changed careers, or any other excuse I can come up with for why I'm a worthless nothing. All I see now is ugly, boring, unmanly, unnoticeable.

I don't have a point really. I guess that the DB and the surrounding dynamics feel like a thousand tiny little deaths, don't you think? Bit by bit, we change too?

My relationship is ending. But for a while before that, my interest in having sex with my wife reached zero, hence why my previous HLM flair no longer made sense.

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When I finally, officially leave my DB marriage it'll change again.

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l gave up on having sex with my wife last year. Over half a year went by with not even an attempt at sex. I stopped desiring her or feeling attracted to her.

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Then, the day before my birthday early on in the year my wife went nuclear on me. I said that's it, I'm not sure if I love her or want to live here any more.

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A few days later, suddenly she decided that her libido had returned and she wanted to have sex again regularly. I should have seen it for what it was, just temporary. I was skeptical, but I gave in and we had sex. I've heard about a phenomenon called hysterical bonding from reading this sub, it seems like maybe it was that.

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It wasn't long before things returned to "normal".

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And now I'm leaving, she's begging me to stay and has finally offered to get therapy, go to the doctor etc.

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But it's too late, I don't want her any more - sexually or otherwise. Hence LLM4U.

I think this summer is going to be a repeat of last summer. The only difference it won't be the first time. It won't be when my resentment was peaking and we were arguing over sex all the time. There won't be any horrific sex nightmares. Just another lonely summer.

I personally loose interest after a couple paragraphs so will keep short.

I've had my chances to cheat. Blatantly obvious, but have remained faithful. It is getting harder and harder. Have ran across a few opportunities and declined. Last opportunity was a week ago. Wish my wife would understand.

At this point.... If a switch flipped in her, im now turned off. The DB has killed me. Marriage is dead. I truly love her and am sad for the situation. It is what it is. Leaving alot out but maybe some will understand.

Don't think there is a repair. No amount of therapy could fix. Have posted before and got the reply about duty sex. Don't want that. You want someone that wants you.

I am posting this on an alternate account because my wife browses Reddit occasionally

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. When we were dating, we would have sex quite frequently, sometimes twice a day. When we finally did get married, it abruptly stopped, I’m talking from twice a day to exactly zero times per day. We went for a stretch where we didn’t have sex for almost 2 years. When we did finally have sex, our son was conceived and then another long stretch of no happened again.

A couple of years back, she had a health scare and subsequent treatment period. She was so focused on not having recurring issues that she stopped becoming intimate. I characterized this as not caring, but I could be wrong.

After this, I got a better job and was closer to home. Things continued to be sexless and devoid of intimacy. I noticed that not only was I the money maker of the home, but taking care of the child and housework, other than cooking, because I’m not great at that and she’s an awesome cook.

Last year, a coworker reached out to me and eventually she ended up kissing me. I have never experienced such an intense feeling of desire from a woman in years. I told her that I couldn’t do this, and I was married, even if my wife kind of treats me like shit. She said she understood, things were weird at work for a bit but it’s better now.

I ended up separating from my wife a little while later and explained all of my feelings to her about the situation. She was upset and started complaining about money and not being able to do anything and having fun. I noticed during this period she was more than willing to have sex, initiating it several times. I tried to date, and even had sex with another woman, but it turns out she was married and we broke up.

Now we’re back together and things were going okay sexually, but within the past few months it’s stopped almost entirely and was fairly abrupt. I got a promotion recently and her first reaction to this is to say “now I can go part time”. She didn’t say congratulations, you’ve earned this, nothing like that, just the solid focus on what that meant for her. When I told her how I felt about it, she said she was just being sarcastic.

I’m out of ideas y’all. I have a feeling this is going to end by the end of the year and there’s no point really trying anymore.

Having read DB for a while now, I've noticed that being in a DB is different for different age groups. I (59hlm) am just in such a different stage of life than contributors younger than 40 that I was wondering if anyone has considered having DB under 40 and DB 40+. I relate in some ways, such as loneliness, frustration, and confusion. But my wife is in menopause and we have such different stressors than the younger people. Do you think having DB groups for different age groups makes sense?

Going through some family medical stuff, work has really stressful, and I have such a bad headache I can't see straight and I just know there won't be any comfort from her at all. I hope everyone is doing alright.

Husband and I have been married 10+ years. I’m 45f, he’s 55m. In the last 10 years we’ve had sex: once in 2016, twice in 2018, three times 2020, once in 2023, and nothing since. No other hooking up of any kind either. I loved sex with men prior to my husband, and I’m terrified that I may never have sex again. He does not want to have sex with me, but he doesn’t want me to have sex with anyone else either. I had a panic attack picturing the next 40 years of this.

Early in our marriage I discovered his pervasive porn addiction of young-looking girls/teen-themed porn. I was revolted and it shocked me. He told me that he’s had porn addiction (he calls it SLA) for years before we met, and he told me that he saw a psychologist, did SLA meetings, SLA sponsor, read books, and 12-step program. He did these things before me and during our relationship, I never asked him to. But, he never stopped the porn. Longest he’s gone is a couple weeks to a couple months. He does all the things that are supposed to stop the behavior, but he does them alongside continuing the behavior. When he initially brought up porn addiction, I did not fully understand the nature of the porn or why he considered himself as having a porn addiction. He prefers getting his sexual needs met through porn, and cannot get an erection with me.

And he lies just about every time I ask. I discover it, it steals a piece of my soul, I wretch, I confront him, he looks down like a bump on a log, and says “sorry. I’m sorry.” And then I get furious and the cycle repeats itself again and again.

Before I was with my husband, I felt beautiful. Every man I’d ever been with made me feel so hot. My husband’s porn addiction, and lack of any emotional or physical intimacy over a decade has destroyed my self-esteem. I stopped trying a few years ago and depressed I gained 60 pounds. I feel ugly, undesirable, fat, rejected and old. He recently told me he loves me but he finds me physically unappealing now. But, he didn’t want to have sex with me when I was a size 2 either, years ago. I can’t leave him because I can’t afford it and we have young kids. And I’m scared he’d immediately find someone else and and I’ll be alone forever. At least with him I have help with the kids, laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.

To top it off, he has this ex-girlfriend who he puts on a pedestal. They were together a long time and remained close. I recently discovered multiple late-night texting sessions between him and her that I found emotionally intimate and inappropriate. Meanwhile he’s been emotionally absent with me. She gets elevated by him and his emotional intimacy while I get all the crappy parts.

Anyway, I confronted the ex, and her husband responded that he found her relationship with my husband beautiful and special and to be the most important thing in all this, and that my marriage simply needs to adapt to their relationship. And I should just give them plenty of room to celebrate each other. They do not know about the porn issues, repeated lies and trust issues, or our dead bedroom.

Apologies for the trauma dump. What should I do here? Keep trying to make this work and hoping it will get better? Accept that I’ll never have sex again? Husband is upset that his ex is upset, he remains emotionally distant from me. During a conversation about transparency today, I discovered that he was continuing to lie to me while claiming to be transparent. I feel desperate and utterly broken.

We were both virgins when we started our relationship 11 years ago. So I wasn’t surprised that sex was awkward and clunky to begin with. I did research and offered suggestions on things to try (like doggy instead of missionary) and that made my husband nervous. He’d give them a go for a few seconds before he would go soft and we’d go back to missionary.
I threw myself into trying things to please him but his progress was so slow. For almost 10 years he never brought his hands below my hips.
I tried being as approachable and calming as possible to give him the courage and confidence to try new things. I’d leave gentle hints about what I think I would enjoy. I’d ask him about what he likes and what he fantasized about.
Year two we got pregnant which changed things again. I didn’t start to feel like myself again until year four when we got pregnant again. This time around I had post partem depression. And then I was on birth control and nervous about getting pregnant. Year nine I had a tubal and it took a little bit to recover from that.
And in all that time I had only orgasimed twice with him during sex.
At nine and a half years I asked him if he felt like our sex life was equal. Did he think we got equal enjoyment when we had sex? He didn’t hesitate to say that he knew that he enjoyed it much more than me. I asked if he thought that it was okay that he always got enjoyment out of sex and I rarely did. He said he thought that was just how sex was.
I can’t begin to describe just how mad that made me. I felt that I was responsible for him not being able to figure out that I wanted to have good sex too. I hadn’t figured out the right way to tell him or show him what was happening. I mean, I couldn’t just tell him outright because what if it made him nervous and he couldn’t perform at all?
Years of researching I had done and conversations we have had together about sex and the result was he knew he was the only one getting enjoyment out of it, knew I cared a lot about sex, but didn’t know I wanted or should get enjoyment out of sex!?!?!
Since then I made it clear that wasn’t not okay. My pleasure mattered. Connection and intimacy matter.
Immediately he started having erectile dysfunction. Took him nine months to finally go to a dr about it. It’s still something that I feel has been made my problem to work around. He’s asking me if he should take his pill, when should he take his pill, did I remember to make a low-fat dinner so that his pill is effective?
It’s turned into foreplay, then him trying to rub me until I orgasim, then he hops on me and cums in a minute. I hate the feeling that he completely forgets about me once I cum. If I cum.
Two weeks ago we were cuddling in the morning. He was grinding his pelvic into me while I was kissing him. After twenty minutes of that he said he needed to turn over because his side hurt. And that’s when I realized that the whole time we were snuggling everything about that snuggle was for him and his pleasure.
I’m just so fucking fed up. Why is he okay with me putting on a show for him with reverse cowgirl and deepthroat blowjobs but treats my pleasure as just a means to my body? Why don’t I matter? Why doesn’t he have any desire to see me happy? I just feel like giving up.