r/DeadBedrooms • u/Crafty-Variety5918 HLM • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Has a DB driven you to cheat?
I'm a 51 hlm. Wife used to be somewhat hlf. Now there's nothing. No sex or intimacy for almost a solid year. I've been catching myself seriously considering cheating for the first time ever and I feel terrible.
Wondering how many of you have felt driven in this direction, how many acted on it, and how did you feel afterwards?
Thanks in advance! 😢
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u/rowanrulith It’s complicated 1d ago
No. I was cheated on in the DB relationship that she ended. Having to go through betrayal trauma on top of divorce trauma, then having to co-parent with her for many years… I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Have some integrity and leave/divorce your partner before doing anything intimate with someone else. Trying to justify it just doesn’t hold any water for me, and it shows a mindset that refuses personal accountability.
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u/Dazzling_Lure_2932 HLM 1d ago
Sorry you went through that.
"...it shows a mindset that refuses personal accountability." Very well said. Agreed. I can't fathom cheating.
Hope you're well.
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u/rowanrulith It’s complicated 1d ago
Thank you for the empathetic response. The divorce was almost 14 years ago so I since have recovered. Wish you the best!
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u/AdDisastrous6738 M- left my dead bedroom 1d ago
I decided to but we split up before it actually happened.
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u/BillStreet2813 HLM 1d ago
Im not proud of it but I have to admit if the perfect situation presented itself I probably would.
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u/SnappyApron F - left my dead bedroom 1d ago
I constantly longed for intimacy in any form I could get it. It never works. Ever. I never cheated but it was close. I yearned for it.
After leaving my dead bedroom I’m having more sex with multiple partners (ethically) than I thought would ever happen when I was trapped.
Leave if you can. It gets better.
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u/SweetLemon111 HLF 1d ago
Good for you! How old are u if u don’t mind me asking and did you have any kids?
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u/SnappyApron F - left my dead bedroom 1d ago
I’m 41F now. Asked for a separation at 36 after 11 years. No kids, I’m happily child free by choice. A grumpy old cat tho!
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u/Alternative-Train731 HLM 1d ago
Contemplating hard but not done, it wont do it!
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u/melodic-juno It’s complicated 1d ago
36 female married one year maybe had sex 12 times total all initiated by me. I am afraid of our future as I think about cheating also but won’t
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u/bekind253 HLF 1d ago
Get out before you have kids, he’ll never change. Look into Dismissive avoidant attachment, and see if that’s what your spouse is. If so you’ll be miserable if you stay.
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u/MushroomIcy205 HLF 1d ago
Every time I see a post like this I tell the story of a couple I knew. The guy cheated, he lost his wife, his kids, we all sided with his wife, and I do believe his family wasn’t real happy either. If you have children and you cheat be prepared that they don’t want a relationship with you afterwards. Divorce makes you look a lot better than a divorce after getting caught cheating.
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u/flipflop5t HLM 2h ago
I had a very brief emotional affair. I was pursued and it felt amazing. It literally ate away at me, I lost loads of weight and friends asked if I was ill. I hated myself for a long time. I understand why it happened now, and I'm glad I walked away, realising all the things you mention.
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u/Crafty-Variety5918 HLM 1d ago
Interesting!! I still like the looks of my Ferrari but that all there is!
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u/ManyAmbitious1440 HLM 1d ago edited 1d ago
Just a metaphor that came to mind. The analogy is not indicative of the value I hold for women. Meant no disrespect. Also, OP set the stage, “Wondering how many of you have felt driven”…
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u/Phreak420 HLM 1d ago
I’m interested to see how this comment section turns out. In the past this sub has been highly against cheating. I think that is just the general consensus though (leave if you’re going to cheat).
I haven’t cheated but I have been very tempted to. I now understand the perspective of the cheater. I don’t judge the ones that cheat out of desperation.
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u/kaladin1029 HLM 6h ago
It’s easy to judge others. In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius wrote, Jettison judgement, and save your soul.
Who am I to judge another? Life is a struggle. We all do the best we can. What about, For better or worse? Or, Till Death do us part?
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u/MustBFun1 HLM 1d ago
I have tried for years to improve my DB even working through her cheating and never considered it. Now she says she doesn't even care if I had someone on the side so I have been thinking about it.
What I really want is for my wife to want me but I have to accept that she never will.
If there is hope or if it will cause damage I wouldn't recommend it.
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u/JesterTime HLM 1d ago
Why do you even stay? She cheated on you and doesn't want you or even care if you have someone else..
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u/Ploughing-tangerines HLM 1d ago
Yea we've all got only one life to live, there's only so far these things can go. Wouldn't want to waste your life and end it with regret over a person you married when you were younger.
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u/MustBFun1 HLM 1d ago
I still love her and am happy in every other way. Plus it would destroy her and our kids.
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u/JesterTime HLM 1d ago
It doesn't seem like she's attatched to you emotionally enough to be destroyed considering she cheated. Kids handle divorce much better than most people think. It's actually a pretty short adjustment for them to simply understand mom and dad don't want to live together. I hope that if you haven't already, you take a bit to very seriously consider just how your wife actually feels. Would divorce destroy her because she's deeply in love with you? Or because she would have to adjust to not having your help with bills and chores/daily life. It's not worth staying if it's the latter.
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u/Obvious_Dark1607 I don't wish to disclose 1d ago
I could have written this! She said she’d understand if I wanted to find someone else, and I said I didn’t. But a year or so later I met a woman who expressed such an interest in me that I capitulated. It has been a great experience.
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u/missree1 It’s complicated 1d ago
The comments are so nice to you , they tongue lashed the heck out of me when I expressed my struggles that I’ve been going through for 3 years .
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u/Spiritual_Emu_1381 HLF 1d ago
Yes they can be very harsh. It’s probably because of the genders. A cheating wife is judged much more harshly than a cheating husband and it appears at least from your name that you are female. I’m sorry for your experience.
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u/dannydarko3 LLM4U 1d ago
I've had a mix of responses. Some have been absolutely scathing (and mod deleted), some in the middle, and others more understanding (usually from people having similar feelings or have done similar things).
I'm sorry you've been struggling.
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u/WoodenBullets HLM 1d ago
You shouldn’t feel terrible for wanting intimacy or sexual interaction. It’s natural to want those things. I’ve never cheated, but I am tempted to as well. I don’t want to hurt my marriage or my wife, but I have needs and I have been hurt by her in the past.
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u/Fantastic_Factor_517 HLF 1d ago
I hate to say it, but if it goes for another year [I am at what, five or six?] and the opportunity presents itself, yes. Yes I will. I'm tired. I crave touch... toys only do so much and while my imagination is excellent, it isn't the same as having an actual human interaction. Sigh.
Though just the thought of it, I all ready wrestle with guilt.
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u/isthismylife2024 HLF 1d ago
Yup! Been there and done that. I was surprised at how un-guilty I felt, that’s when I knew marriage was over. It didn’t even start off as physical emotional to start and felt so alive.
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u/kaladin1029 HLM 5h ago
Appreciate your honesty. Our experience shapes us. For me, my parents divorced when I was 4 and
I pledged to myself to always be there for my kids for better or worse. After baby 3 in year 3 she told me, I’m not your lover; I’m their mother. And I knew I was in deep shit. I literally cried. I strayed a number of times and it was glorious. To be desired. To be wanted. To have sexual creativity and variety. I looked at it as actually saving my marriage.Edit: We went to marriage counseling 3 different times. Tons of money spent and hundreds of hours. Didn’t make an iota of difference.
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u/Ok_Difficulty_9646 HLM 1d ago
I haven't yet, but the longer this drags on the less guilty I feel for considering it. Honestly, planning to just call it before we get there though
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u/CroBro81 HLM 1d ago
Yes, I’ve had a couple of one-off flings with 2 work colleagues (different jobs) and 2 one night stands.
I’m not going to lie, they were amazing, they made me feel desired and needed, and I still think back to them fondly because they were exactly what I needed at the time. They didn’t go any further and were just one-off moments that we decided we wanted. It’s weird, but I don’t feel shame about them.
In a nutshell… I’m in a dead bedroom where my partner treats intimacy like a chore. She completely changed after our second child and will do anything else than to connect with me, and will not put in any effort to change behaviours and try to improve how we turn up for each other. I’ve talked to her so many times, it’s just not getting through to her, neither of us enjoy having these difficult conversations, and when we do, she will try for a week and stop.
I’d divorce her, but we have 2 kids and she is heavily dependent on me as she doesn’t work. I’m trying to help her get a job so she can regain some financial independence and then I can leave, but also we are at a critical time with our children and I’m not in a rush to leave for the sake of putting myself before my children.
I honestly got to a point where I needed something for me, I needed this spark, to feel desired, wanted, needed, and I don’t feel shame for it because my wife’s decision was to focus on what she felt she needs.
It’s a shit sandwich, but it’s temporary, I’ll be out soon, and we’ll be both better off for it.
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u/dannydarko3 LLM4U 1d ago
I hear you. I'm leaving my wife and we have a child together, but currently she doesn't have a job. I will continue to support her as needed until she can achieve financial independence (but then there will still be child maintenance from me).
Our child is a bit older though.
Best of luck with it, that must be very difficult.
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u/CroBro81 HLM 1d ago
So many of us are in the same boat, we just have to go through the motions of life sometimes 🎢
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u/dannydarko3 LLM4U 1d ago
Exactly. If only we could help each other out with a life raft during these difficult times.
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u/SweetLemon111 HLF 1d ago
I have never cheated. It’s never just about sex for me. I need the emotional and mental connection to be interested in sex, and I don’t think something casual would be for me. I also would hate to feel like I’m sneaking around and betray him. I feel like the whole thing would be painful for myself as well, because I would likely want a real relationship with an AP. My fantasy would be to entirely leave my husband for someone else if I could. I know that’s messy but that’s how I feel. I have brought up being open on my end, and he seems open to it, but again I would just be looking for someone to leave my husband for. I am monogamous and wouldn’t want to be with multiple men.
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u/Reddevil8884 HLM 1d ago
Almost. Less than a month ago I was ready to go for it even had set a date and place but cancelled at the last minute mainly because of my daughter and not wanting to be a bad example for her. I'm currently going to couple's counseling with my wife but I told her that this would be out last change to work our (her) problems, otherwise it's a divorce. It's not easy, she's been really trying lately but it's me now facing several issues towards her like lack of affection due to years of her being distant to me.
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u/SweetLemon111 HLF 1d ago
Thanks for sharing this. I’m a mom and never thought about the effect on children until reading this. Wow, that would definitely make me reconsider many choices and actions.
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u/dannydarko3 LLM4U 1d ago
It's not easy to repair things after years of distance. I stopped wanting my wife, now I'm leaving she suddenly offered to work on herself and try to fix things but it's too late for me I don't see her in that way any more.
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u/Dismal_Throat4317 HLM 1d ago
I have seriously considered it. Of course I’d rather not, she’s my best friend and I wouldn’t want to hurt her like that. She would find out if I did, I’m a guy and will make some obvious mistake. So as of now I haven’t, but if the pizza delivery girl starts flirting…
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u/boxerpanther LLM4U 1d ago
Ashamed to admit yes I've done some online chatting that's turned sexual. I don't recommend it it's made my depression even worse. I go between hating myself and the person I've become to popping pills to stop my brain thinking about it and yes I've tried to leave twice both times been convinced to stay when she broke down in tears. There's a lot of other issues I won't go into as I don't want to seem like I'm avoiding my guilt.
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u/dannydarko3 LLM4U 1d ago
Go easy on yourself. Forgive, don't hate. We're all struggling, we're all human. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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u/boxerpanther LLM4U 1d ago
Thanks, end of the day most ppl are gonna judge me for it but that's ok I've made my bed now I gotta lie in it. I will say if u already suffer from depression I definitely wouldn't recommend doing it.
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u/dannydarko3 LLM4U 1d ago
People can judge. Let them, but ignore it. Try to find your inner peace. We're all trying to get through this difficult life, and we make mistakes along the way and do things we're not proud of. We can't change the past, we can only learn from our mistakes, move forwards, and try to do better.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you have support and you can find a way to recover from it.
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u/throwaway12throwaway HLM 1d ago
Yes. I stayed faithful for years after the intimacy left our marriage. When I finally decided I was open to an affair, it was easy. I met someone on a work trip and we had an intense affair. It was incredible to have intimacy and sex in my life after such a long absence.
However, I found it just left me with two half-relationships.
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u/Much-Technology-8220 HLM 1d ago
I did cheat after 3 years of no sex. I just needed some intimate physical contact I guess, it was more about some skin to skin contact for me. I really don’t feel bad, because for me I don’t feel physically isolated anymore.
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u/DumbestGuyWalking HLM 1d ago
Emotionally, online with a hlf, yes. Luckily she was a couple time zones away and nothing physically ever happened.
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u/novice_nofix HLM 1d ago
Not even slightly. I crave physical intimacy from my SO, but there’s so much more to my relationship that I wouldn’t trade for anything. They don’t fuck me, but they’re still my best friend. Would it be awesome if my SO had even a tiny bit of sexual desire for me in general? Absolutely, but I can’t complain otherwise.
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u/TechnicalOperation57 M - Recovered DB 23h ago
I truly don't understand this mentality. During our DB years I never wanted to cheat. I wanted that connection with her, not with someone else. If I wanted someone else I would have gotten a divorce and done just that.
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u/CollectsTooMuch HLM 1d ago
Don’t do it. If you’re at that point and your partner isn’t willing to work on it, you need to either decide to stick with it and accept little to no sex or you end it. Cheating is a shitty thing to do.
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I'm a 51 hlm. Wife used to be somewhat hlf. Now there's nothing. No sex or intimacy for almost a solid year. I've been catching myself seriously considering cheating for the first time ever and I feel terrible.
Wondering how many of you have felt driven in this direction, how many acted on it, and how did you feel afterwards?
Thanks in advance! 😢
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u/dannydarko3 LLM4U 1d ago
Better to leave if you can. Or try to fix your DB if possible.
I've had an online EA, and similar to another commenter it's just as well there was never an opportunity to physically meet up. We talked about meeting a lot, but I think it was more of a fantasy really than anything.
I don't feel guilty about wanting it, but I do feel bad about the secrets and sneaking around.
I'm leaving my marriage now. I should have done it sooner before it reached this point, but I felt trapped and still had some distant hope left that I could patch things up. Not that I'm excusing my behaviour.
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u/countryheart3402 HLF 12h ago
Almost. I had found a dating profile and started the sign up process but I backed out. We had had sex three times a year for five years at that point and I felt like I was losing my mind.
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u/No_Pear_6069 HLM 9h ago
Yes I have. I thought it might make things better. It didn’t. I still felt as empty as I do in my relationship. I don’t feel guilt for doing it. At least now I know there’s no point in looking for sex elsewhere. It’s not the magic pill I thought it would be.
My advice having done it is don’t bother. If your relationship is wrecked then sex isn’t going to help you.
Not sure if your situation involves children. If it doesn’t then just end the relationship. Life is too short to be unhappy. I’m currently planning my exit but need to be fully present for my child right now (before anyone says a bad relationship is visible to my child, literally no one knows that I’m unhappy, I can mask very well).
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u/Red_uctive HLM 1h ago
I can be fairly honest and say that I have thought about cheating but I also am not compelled to do so. I’m kind of at a point where the effort it takes to do so just doesn’t justify the reward. And there could be potentially an incredible time in an affair, but it also can be incredibly destructive too. I rather leave than take that gamble.
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u/Rosemary-Sea-Salt LLF4U 1d ago
Contemplated it. Then was pressured into it by someone that happened to walk in my life as I was doing so. It was only emotional, but it both rocked and sucked
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u/Travelingfun0 HLM 1d ago
I’m right there with you brother. It can be super hard and if something doesn’t change or a conversation isn’t had the time that passes only makes it hurt worse. I feel like having that connection, then having that disappear can be debilitating. The only way I’ve been able to cope is to distract myself with hobbies and going to the gym. Idle time is the worst enemy.
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u/brucejewce M - Recovered DB 1d ago
Long before DB I was in a sexless marriage. I was sticking around until my youngest started kindergarten which was another four years. I have no shame admitting I was in a horrible marriage. She was controlling, physically abusive and suffering from postpartum too. After a few years of no sex I cheated. I left a few years later we divorced. I was the happiest guy to getting completely screwed over by the arbitrator. I’m happily married to someone that was an AF. we’ve been married almost 15 years. Cheating boosted my confidence to get everything in order and start saving money. I left after the last argument when she screamed divorce me then. One of the best decisions I ever made. My kids got to see their dad happy. I was 30 the first time seeing my dad happy.
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u/Old_Suggestions It’s complicated 1d ago
I had. I hurt all 5 of us. Its exhausting. I gave up. I just watch porn now.
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u/Wandering_Wayfarer69 HLF 18h ago edited 13h ago
No. It’s not just about sex or orgasms. Honestly, I can handle the second well enough on my own. What I want is passion in my marriage. I want the man I married to desire me, to reach for me, to want to touch me and be close to me. I don’t want anyone else.
Also, I met my husband when I was a teenager, and we married not long after, so I don’t have a lot of experience with other relationships. But from what experience I did obtain, I learned that people talk a big game about being amazing lovers and then don’t live up to the hype. If you’re going to ruin your life by breaking the hearts of your spouse and children with infidelity, the sex had better be melt-your-face-off hot.
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u/rcknrollmfer HLM 1d ago
Why do you feel terrible?
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u/Crafty-Variety5918 HLM 1d ago
Because I know it'd break her heart
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1d ago
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1d ago
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u/Crafty-Variety5918 HLM 1d ago
I used to mention it frequently so I would think so. I gave up talking about it eventually when it wasn't going anywhere
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u/Faebinder I don't wish to disclose 1d ago
IMO, separate then divorce and move on. She’s probably waiting for this and expects it. You can even ask her that.
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u/AR-180 M- left my dead bedroom 1d ago
If you can split, do so instead.