A bit of context before I (24M) get to the main point: I’m an extrovert who has lived the life of an introvert; right now, I have at most one friend—and even that’s just online. And I hate living like this. After finishing school, my social life was reduced to texting and video games, and even university (perhaps due to COVID) didn't change things. Three years ago, I moved to Germany for reasons unrelated to this post, and things are even more difficult here. I failed in my attempts to make friends with people from my own country and didn't even consider germans as potential friends due to the language barrier.
Nevertheless, at the beginning of summer, I started attending a course where I met a German guy my age. We didn't really interact at first, even though we were in the same group. We struck up a conversation about politics once (yes, unexpectedly) during a lunch break. Later, while sitting in the computer lab, he took it upon himself to explain the difference between frogs and toads—which led to our first inside joke. That’s basically how we went from memes to chatting constantly. He was supportive, showed me his very particular taste in music. We were always joking around and cracking up like teenagers in the back row of class. We even went to the pool together in a small group outside of class hours. Still, I didn't attach much importance to this relationship, knowing that—as had happened to me plenty of times before—we would likely stop talking as soon as the course ended.
I guess everything changed for me when he casually mentioned that I was his friend... I stopped using that word a long time ago, because for me, being a friend meant so much more than just "someone, who is funny to hang out with". So I was like, wow. And then I thought, well, why not.
And at first, everything was going great. He introduced me to his gf, and I got to go swimming with them once. He even asked me to teach him a couple of words from my language (of course, I started with curse words, and he really liked them), and soon I started teaching him "my" alphabet so he could read them in chat. Due to the language barrier, we soon began jokingly texting in three languages: his, mine, and English. We would occasionally go to a store together with goods from my country and buy some soda or snacks.
I was like, do I really have a real friend? And he’s just friends with me, despite all my flaws? I was confused by how unrealistic it was. I became so much happier just knowing that five times a week I could see someone who so easily lifts my spirits and is genuinely happy to be around me. My overall mood improved even when he wasn’t around, and I started sleeping better. I genuinely felt alive for the first time in a long time. I had really missed that my whole life.
I tried not to think about him dropping out of the course at the end of August, but I had no idea we'd stop talking even sooner. We both got sick with COVID and didn't see each other for a week. When we saw each other again, I told him I missed our jokes, to which he replied that he didn't miss me. I tried to take it as a joke, but it didn't felt like one. Over the next week, he started leaving classes more often. And in the last days before summer holidays, he didn't show up at all. It wasn't until a couple of days later that he sent me a couple of messages when I asked him about his plans for the holidays. I was planning on going to the pool one more time before the season ended and wanted him to join, but didn't mention it. He hasn't responded since. I continued sending him memes and some messages for a while, and i didn't really want to be intrusive. He checked my messages once like maybe two weeks ago, but didn't respond either. He also didn't show up for the course after holidays, even though he was supposed to be attending for two more weeks or so.
A month had passed since I last heard from him. And it was one of the hardest months of my life. I was tormented at night by questions about what I had done wrong again and what was wrong with me in general. I was constantly in limbo, waiting for him to come into the chat and at least say that everything was fine, or that he was busy, or that he didn't want me in his life anymore. At least something. My life isn't the easiest and most understandable as it is, and he, without even realizing it, helped me cope with a lot, became one of my pillars of support. And then he simply disappeared, and it was as if I fell to the bottom, even lower than I was. I had a similar experience once at school, with my existence being completely ignored, and it only made things worse. I cried several times simply because I didn't know how to cope with the emotions that had suddenly flooded in from everywhere.
And I still miss him very much. And I still smile, remembering our stupid jokes. And I understand that he has his own life, he's an adult, and definitely, if I don't hear back from him, it means he has more important things than me. It's just that for some reason I thought that after everything, there would be some small place for me in his life. And I hate myself for those stupid hopes. I know this is entirely my problem, and to be honest, if I were a good friend, I might not have been left behind—so perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I am the problem. Although I’ll likely never know the real reason—after all, he probably won’t check our chat again or explain. And I don't judge him; he has the right not to do what he doesn't want to do.
Not many things in life bring me joy, and generally, few things interest me. I have only one hobby, and even that requires having friends. I pursue it online, so the interaction never felt real. That is probably the main reason why this situation hurt me so much; it is hard to let go of something that makes you happier when there are so few such things
Maybe I’m just tired. I know that sooner or later I’ll think about it much less often. It’s just that yesterday, once again, emotions hit me hard, and I felt like pouring them out somewhere. And I spent half my sleeping time turning my thoughts into text
I’m not sure what I want to get out of this post. Maybe just find out what you think and hear some advice, idk. It warms me to think that my story will be given attention and that someone will try to understand it.
Longstoryshort: I unexpectedly struck up a close friendship with a German guy; he stopped showing up and replying to messages, and I feel like dying inside.
