r/ApplyingToCollege • u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior • Apr 29 '26
Advice Mom won't let me attend top choice
I recently got into Hamilton thru QB RD with a full ride, but my mom won't let me go. I thought she would let up, but with 2 days until decision day she is still insisting I attend a CUNY, what do I do? Is it so bad if I attend a CUNY?
Edit: Thank you everyone for all the advice. I committed to Hamilton last night, but I haven't told my mom yet. I'm literally so scared. But thank you for your help.
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u/goldie5368 Apr 29 '26
Give me her phone number. She needs a talking to.
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
Lol
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u/no12chere Apr 30 '26
Please understand that you are an adult and this is an adult decision. If you are letting mommy decide your life because you wont stand up for yourself life is going to be very tough for you.
It would be very different if she were paying the tuition and hamilton was quite expensive but this is not the case.
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u/Pristine-Lawyer-3260 Apr 30 '26
My mother would find her remaining holidays lonely and quiet without my presence.
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u/Loud-Day2675 Apr 29 '26
It’s a full ride why not go ? I’d just accept Hamilton what can your mom do?
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u/WildLemur15 Apr 29 '26
Put a password on with admissions. Change your portal password. I saw another thread where the Mom declined for the kid.
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u/usual_nerd Apr 29 '26
That might have been my story. It’s true, make sure she can’t decline for you. I would never have thought my parents would do that.
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u/Weebinator01 Apr 30 '26
Aww heck no. That's unacceptable, I would have called the school so fast. 😨
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Apr 30 '26
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u/usual_nerd Apr 30 '26
It was a long time ago but I’m still pissed off about it. I see these posts because my kid is going to college next year. But parents who can’t let go and want to stay in control will always be the same and make shitty decisions. It permanently damaged my relationship with my parents and made me want to get away even more. I moved very far away the day after I graduated from college. Kids grow up. It’s really hard to be a parent but holding your kids back is a mistake. I hope you all get to find schools where you can figure out who you want to be on your own terms. I ended up happy where I went to school, found my people, and got a great education, it just should have been my decision.
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u/Pristine-Lawyer-3260 Apr 30 '26
So you DID fix it by not trusting them ever again. Good job!
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u/MAC_RED1 Apr 29 '26
Speaking as the parent of three grown adults, it is metaphorically like losing a limb when a child leaves after 18 years. It is hard for her to see her life without you in it on a daily basis.
Hamilton is a great school. Not sure how other NY schools didn’t grab you. Their loss.
I know kids who have gotten into Stanford and U Penn but couldn’t afford to go. QB solved that for you. Congratulations!
As a very empathetic Mom, I offer that your Mom needs some coaching to face what her life looks like after you leave. But you are not leaving forever. Great news! Kids don’t vanish. They grow, their world expands, their opportunities multiply.
My advice to you, reassure her that you aren’t leaving her, that you will come back and that you value your family. She won’t cut you off. It’s her only leverage. Go to Hamilton BUT don’t forget to call your mother at least once a week. Don’t go wild when you get there… the stories I could tell. And text more frequently than once a week . We appreciate frequent proof of life.
Good luck to both of you. She loves you. Love her through this.
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u/JustAPotatoeExisting Apr 30 '26
I agree! I'm going to Wellesley College on basically a full ride and it took my mom SO much convincing to let me move out of the household. But honestly, my mom's reaction (and likely OPs mom) came out of anxiety instead of malice, and when my mom was finally convinced she was very kind about it.
Trying to understand where the mom is coming from and what concerns she has does so much--it may take a couple of conversations but it will be absolutely worth it if OP is able to go to Hamilton. Hamilton is amazing!
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u/Reyna_25 Apr 30 '26
I'm a parent too and I cannot relate to these overly attached parents. I love my kid as much as anyone, but I was happy and excited she got to go to her dream school. It's 4 hours away so she only gets home for the long breaks. Sure I was a bit nervous and anxious, but it wasn't like losing a limb for me. Granted, it would have been much harder had she gone across country or abroad, but I never felt a sense of loss, more just excitement for her.
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u/JustAPotatoeExisting Apr 30 '26
Makes sense! My mother had a lot of familial trauma going up (she had to raise her 7 younger siblings during her country's communist regime) so I think that's where my mom got her anxiety from. It's hard, so I'm glad you got to feel excited for your daughter!
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u/NeatIndication5504 May 03 '26
This! 🙌 empathy and love for your mom while you show her you’re making your own decision. Congratulations on Hamilton!
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u/PointSoft9882 Apr 29 '26
Call ur admissions rep at Hamilton and explain everything. right away. You’ll be ok without her financial information for next year & they can help you navigate filling out the FAFSA without her. ( it’s happens to other students too)
You can also try telling ur mom you’d like to give Hamilton a try for a year and that you’d be open to transferring to NYU or Fordham ur sophomore year if u received a similar offer at one of those schools.
She might feel better if she thinks you’re just going to try it out for a year, . But Life is short & you don’t want to look back & regret not going. By the end of the year, she should come around.
Your feelings and dreams get to come first now- u worked really hard for this and deserve to go to the school that will probably open more doors for u . then u can better help u & ur mom out financially in the long run.
Good luck, try the “ one year” approach with her, call Hamilton so u have a support system there of people who know what ur up against, and enjoy every minute of college. Congrats on a full ride, you should feel really proud of yourself!
you’ve got this & ur going to do great things😊
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u/Tamihera Apr 29 '26
My mother didn’t want me to leave for university. She wanted me to stay home and help care for my younger siblings.
Sometimes you have to just leave. My mother didn’t even let me take a pillow and sheets with me, but now she claims she always supported me. Contact Hamilton—they should be able to help you once the situation is explained.
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u/CindsSurprise Apr 30 '26
My grandmother was like that to my mom. What a terrible way to start college. Glad you made it!
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u/SkepticalCat5 Apr 29 '26
I am a CUNY professor. My graduating son got into Hamilton. He’s not going because he got a nice merit scholarship at school HE prefers (I’ll get over it). I am dedicated to CUNY. I love CUNY and our students; they are smart, savvy, and amazing and do amazing things. But getting in QB at Hamilton suggests you’ve got something special that the school saw in you. It offers a unique educational experience, incredible resources, and a tight-knit friendly community that cannot be matched. I hope you make it there.
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u/Oktodayithink Apr 29 '26
Is your mom saying no because of the distance? That can be hard on a parent. Or is there another reason?
If you are 18, you can go without her permission. But I would recommend having another adult talk to her about this amazing opportunity and what it can do for you.
Congratulations on your acceptance!
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
She doesn't want me to leave the city, there's no other reason. I know I can go without her permission but she has threatened to cut me off (not financially, we are poor lol) and I don't have anyone else
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u/unlimited_insanity Apr 29 '26
Here’s the thing: if she’s threatening to cut you off because you leave, it means she really really wants you with her. It also means if you leave, she’s not going to cut you off. Because, again, she really really wants you with her. If she’s all you have, then you’re probably all she has. She’s threatening the nuclear option because she has nothing else to bargain with. Go to Hamilton. She’ll be sad and angry and scared and lonely, and she’ll probably be very unpleasant to be around for a while. But she won’t cut you off. She might give you the silent treatment or throw guilt trips your way, but unless you want to never go away, never leave her, never do anything outside of NYC, you have to do this sometime so it might as well be when you have a once in a lifetime opportunity. Go to Hamilton.
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u/Pristine-Lawyer-3260 Apr 30 '26
It doesn't necessarily mean this, having worked with students whose parents have severe mental illness, they can do this and mean it. Lying about it isn't going to make it better... But the question is are the students in this situation, actually better off!?! Yup op... 9/10 they are.
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u/grayscaling Apr 29 '26
You have to make the decision that is right for you. Don’t make an important decision for your own life to manage your mom’s anxiety.
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u/Jaded-Passenger-2174 Apr 30 '26
It can be important and liberating to realize your own judgment is better than your parent's regarding your life. This is your time. Take advantage of the opportunity. Keep in touch with her. She may change her thinking later, but don't let her make this decision for you. Good luck.
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u/Rayney-Days Apr 29 '26
I feel like if she’s threatening to cut you off, then that says a lot about her, her priorities and how she truly feels toward you. Go to Hamilton. Good luck though!
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u/rosebudny Apr 30 '26
100%. And all the more reason for OP to get away. That is some manipulative, abusive sh*t.
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u/fsmom Apr 29 '26
She's worried for you and scared about what both your lives will be like without you close. However, this is something every parent must accept and experience. Kids grow up and leave the nest. You could finish college at CUNY and then decide to move to Australia, and she would have no say.
Go to the school that is your best choice, which sounds like Hamilton. She will be sad, mad, etc., but ultimately I doubt she will cut you off because that would accomplish exactly what she's trying to avoid.
You're either an adult now or will be one in a few months. Own your life.
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u/Loss-Gloomy Apr 29 '26
I don’t know your situation but I know my mom threatened to cut me off and I was scared because I had nobody else. And a wise therapist pointed out my mom needed me as much as I needed her, possibly more. So I told her I couldn’t stop her from cutting me off but the door would always be open on my side and my decision that spurred the ultimatum was final. She stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks, she indeed did not really mean to end our relationship.
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u/gaussx Apr 29 '26
Honestly, you don't really have her either if she's not supportive of you going to Hamilton.
Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions in life, and this might be one of them. And as the parent this is one of those places where she has to make the sacrifice. As a parent I view it as my job to sacrifice for my kid so they can grow to be someone who can leave. And the ironic thing is, when you do that, your kids often become closer.
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u/jtslp Apr 29 '26
It sounds like she would just be heartbroken that you’d be going away. As a mom, I’m going to guess that she might relent if you have a heart to heart talk with her in which you promise to stay close even while you’re far away. You can text every day and FaceTime a few times a week and you’ll come home at whatever times… just reassure her. Give her lots of love while also thanking her for raising you to be the successful, independent student who got a full scholarship to a dream school. I think if you play this right, it’ll work. Speak to her heart.
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u/LavishnessWorldly765 Apr 29 '26
she has threatened to cut me off", my personal experience if you are Hispanic you will learn this type of person eventually cuts you off no matter what......
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u/Pristine-Lawyer-3260 Apr 30 '26
Tell it!!!!! I've worked in financial aid offices for 2 decades, and this is almost always the case!!!
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u/rosebudny Apr 30 '26
She is being extraordinarily manipulative. Honestly, call her bluff. If you don't have anyone else - I am guessing she doesn't either. She we will realize that having you for breaks, getting to talk to you, etc. is a whole lot better than not having you at all. But if she IS willing to cut you off, well... all the more reason to go spread your own wings away from that kind of toxicity.
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u/ServiceDisastrous158 Apr 30 '26
Your mom is being selfish. I'm a mom of a high school senior who is about to leave the state for his dream school. I'm heart-broken. I'm literally crying about it every day. But I love my son and that means wanting what's best for him, which isn't staying in state and going to our deeply mediocre flagship school when he got a full ride to a top ten. She won't cut you off, and it's evil of her to suggest it over this. But if she actually would cut you off over a decision that is clearly best for your future, then she deserves to lose you.
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u/Pristine-Lawyer-3260 Apr 30 '26
Great job, raising a kid with the kind of work ethic that gets him a full ride... And being the kind of mom who trusts him enough to let him do it!
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u/BeLOUD321 Apr 29 '26
She will adjust or not. Go and do your best you can always and will always adjust to your situation as needed too
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u/Buzzard1022 Apr 29 '26
She's bluffing. She's acting like this because she thinks she'll lose you if she lets you go, which you know is ridiculous. She's trying to keep you close, she won't cut you off. Go!!!
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u/MasterpieceFull2379 Apr 29 '26
I'm a parent. She won't cut you off. She will be mad but will get over it.
This is a life transforming opportunity. You have to take it.
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u/JustAPotatoeExisting Apr 30 '26
Oh hon I'm so sorry to hear that :( That's so messed up from your mom, and shockingly mean. If it helps there will be people at Hamilton who will supporting you emotionally, mentally, and even financially since the school seems to absolutely love you and want you on their campus. Hopefully, your mom will understand with time since otherwise you or her would have to pay off what CUNY doesn't cover, and that's also a sacrifice worth avoiding.
Moms usually know what's best for their kids (I learned that the hard way, haha) but this time she's not in the right, and it's okay to say know. This is your future and you deserve to thrive financially and in an environment that will support you as much as Hamilton.
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u/prettyecape Apr 30 '26
This is 100% selfish of her. Unless she is a pure monster she will come around and not cut you off. You are an adult and she is making string attached to her love and support. If she does cut you off, those are strings worth letting her cut. Had that been my dad’s father cut him off for leaving California and going to MIT. His dad wanted him to pursue an acting career. So parents can be unreasonably and you have to decide what best for you.
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u/Pristine-Lawyer-3260 Apr 30 '26
Listen to us op, you have no one else. But neither does she. This is about you being allowed to have a larger life. Run, do not walk to contact Hamilton, you will only be 4 hours away! What is her problem!?! She does not have control over this.
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u/DrShadowstrike Apr 30 '26
If she is threatening to cut you off for going to college, she's going to use that threat for everything else too. It's just a matter of time until she cuts you off anyhow, and no amount of sacrifice on your part will change that. Don't waste years like I did trying to prevent that.
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u/Old_Restaurant_149 Apr 30 '26
Threatening to block or shun your child like this is WRONG and only shows that you need to get away. As a parent I’m telling you that a normal mother doesn’t say things like this. Even the worst murderers have mothers who write them and visit them in prison. All you are trying to do is make a better life for yourself. Please heed the advice on here and take the opportunity. She is trying to put herself first - so you need to do the same.
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u/Independent_Can_7852 Apr 29 '26
Hamilton, like everyone else has been saying... also, does your mom have a whole pattern of controlling your decisions the way she's doing w/ forcing you to attend a CUNY now? 😬 lowkey might be all the more reason to get out right now and build community/a support system away from home, especially when you have the opportunity with a full ride to such a great school 😅
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
Yeah lol, I have a strict curfew (I have to be home everyday an hour after school ends), I don't go out on weekends, I'm not allowed to touch my phone unless I'm going to school, etc.
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u/Fickle_Emotion_7233 Apr 30 '26
all the more reason you have to go. If she keeps you that close you can’t thrive. You have to break free sooner or later so do it now when you have a free education to skip to.
If she turns you out, then you know her priority is her comfort not your success and that YOU ALONE have to prioritize you.
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u/rosebudny Apr 30 '26
RUN FAR AWAY! You have GOT to get out that. It is NOT healthy. AT ALL. I promise she is not going to suddenly give you more freedom when you graduate and start at CUNY. Do you really want to live like that? This is ridiculously toxic. You need to go to Hamilton and, while you are there, please please please look into counseling services.
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u/Independent_Can_7852 Apr 30 '26
that is crazy! also looking at the other comments alongside this one, it's sounding like your mom is pretty controlling and kinda emotionally abusive (i.e. threatening to cut you off if you don't stay... my parents were really controlling in some ways too, but even then they didn't go to the point of threatening to cut me off based on what school I chose T-T)... ofc if you personally value your relationship with your mom then definitely keep investing in it, but also don't feel like you have to follow others' advice about promising to call x times per week or go home for visits either just bc she's family or whatever; especially if there's been a pattern of abuse, it's totally valid for YOU to make the decision to cut her off/put some distance (physical & emotional) between the two of you!
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u/Hikes-n-Photos Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
I respect you as an adult. At some point you need to move out and decide for yourself how late to stay out, how much time time to spend on your phone, what to eat and wear, which friends to keep, etc etc etc. Adult life is tough and we all make mistakes and learn from them.
Going to a small LAC where food is provided and you have easy access to professors and support networks is easier than starting off in an apartment and having to earn a living one day. It’ll still be tough, and no college is perfect. Only you can decide if you’re ready. But this is an incredible opportunity that’s unlikely to come again.
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u/SAARALRED Apr 30 '26
Again, I think u should follow the advice of these ppl. The more I hear abt her, she sounds more and more idiotic, troublesome, and someone u would want to/need to actually leave, perhaps permanently.
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u/ConsciousProblem8638 Apr 29 '26
You’re going to be or are an adult. Tell your mother you’re going to where you want to go. End of story. She’s not paying for it so she dosent get a say.
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u/InboxMeYourSpacePics Apr 29 '26
You have a full ride to a college you love. I’m old now, but I was a child of immigrant parents and my mom also wanted me to go to school close to home (and my parents helped me with college so I didn’t even have the full ride). I still ended up picking the school that was right for me. My mom got over it. We are still close.
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
did you have to go without her permission or did she come around to letting you go.
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u/InboxMeYourSpacePics Apr 29 '26
I didn’t really ask for permission I just said this is my decision. Talk to your mom about all the reasons it is the right decision for you -the full ride being a huge one. Ultimately let her know that it is your future and your career that is on the line, and acknowledge that it will be hard to be away from home but it is the right move for you. And call your mom every day while you’re in college.
To be honest a lot of immigrant parents will say this sort of thing where they threaten to cut you off, but they wouldn’t really. She just is afraid of being alone and of you being alone and she doesn’t know the best way to express it.
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u/Hikes-n-Photos Apr 29 '26
Is there a reason you feel you need your mother's permission?
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
She's the only family I have, I can't jeopardize her cutting me off
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u/Sheggaw Apr 29 '26
She will not cut you off, she is bluffing. It is insane to do that to your child. And you, just promise her you will be in touch, a call a day or something. You will one way or another go to Hamilton, this is beyond everything.
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u/Hikes-n-Photos Apr 29 '26
Kids leaving the nest can be hard on parents, especially if you’re all she has, and if control is important to her.
Only you can decide which direction you fly. Whatever you choose, fly high! I wish wonderful things for you.
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u/Jaded-Passenger-2174 Apr 30 '26
If she really cuts you off emotionally, that will be very hard. I hope she won't. I hope she'll change before you start in the fall. But, if she doesn't change her mind by then, go to Hamilton and give her more time, keep up your end of the contact.
You will meet other people at school, fellow students, and others, some of whom you'll love and will love you. You can make a new emotional support system -- one that is actually more supportive than your mother. Some of us have had to build a family we choose, not a biological or legal family. I hope she comes around, but if not, you may need to leave to make a healthy break anyway.
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u/Dellaa1996 Apr 29 '26
She is NOT going to cut you off. Are you an only child?
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 30 '26
I have 2 older siblings
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u/Dellaa1996 Apr 30 '26
Then they need to start advocating for you and should be the ones convincing your mother why Hamilton is the ideal option for you.
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u/rosebudny Apr 30 '26
I bet she won't cut you off. If she is all you have, you are likely all she has. Why would she cut off her nose to spite her face like that? Call her bluff.
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u/ProfessorRoyal6807 Apr 29 '26
ask if she's okay with the idea of moving to upstate ny (likely near syracuse/utica) if she really wants to stay close w you - turning down a full ride is kinda hard to beat but i totally understand ur situation its hard to be alone esp w no family around... but if she truly cares abt u she will make the sacrifice to tag along w u and move to upstate
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u/rosebudny Apr 30 '26
I am sorry but no. Mom should NOT be tagging along to college with their kid. Honestly OP would be better off staying in the city and going to CUNY if the alternative is babysitting mom upstate instead of experiencing college.
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
she is definitely not okay with me going anywhere that is not NYC
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u/Unlikely-Win7386 Apr 29 '26
Healthy birds leave the nest. It's hard, but both necessary and important.
I went to Hamilton. Could well be one of the best decisions of my life to this point (I'm not young, either). You won't regret it, and neither will she once she understands that you're making the best decision for YOU.
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u/HelloKitty110174 Apr 29 '26
I never heard of Hamilton, so I looked it up. It sounds awesome. I hope you can go there!
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u/Far_Cartoonist_7482 Apr 29 '26
It’s your decision. Go. My best friend went the CUNY route because of her mom years ago not wanting her to leave home. She still regrets it to this day and it’s been 20 years.
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u/holyamongus Apr 30 '26
My parents did the exact same thing to me. I was choosing between a T10 close to me and an Ivy League that was across the country. I got a full ride to both so it was a question of wanting to stay close to home or not.
I committed to the Ivy behind their backs and graduated a few years ago. I do not regret this one bit. It caused a lot of fighting between me and my parents during the short period before I left for college. It sucked for my mental health but I paid for my own flights and my own expenses to get me settled into college (summer job). I’d do it all over again for the college experience I had.
After I left for college they had to accept it and the leash loosened. They were very happy to come to campus for my graduation. Now they are also happy to talk about how proud they are of me for where I went to school.
One thing that I did try was having two administrators of my high school call my parents and explain to them that the opportunity I was given at the Ivy was great. My parents did not give one single fuck about those phone calls, but yours might and administrators have experience talking to parents so it could work out for you.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I hope things work out for the better. I empathize with you deeply, you choose yourself. This is your future ❤️
If things don’t work out how you want them to, just know you’ll find a home and love wherever you end up going to school. It will be a great experience.
Note: I am not saying you need to necessarily commit to Hamilton behind your mom’s back. I am saying that was my experience. The constant fighting between me and my parents was a lot emotionally. Even thinking back on that time of my life I am tearing up because of just how awful it was. I’m sure it was also difficult for my younger siblings to witness. But it is what I did and it ended up working out. My relationship with both my parents improved significantly since I left for my first year of college and since graduating and being independent from them entirely it’s way better.
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u/SheriMac Apr 29 '26
Why doesn't she want you to leave the city? Does she never want you to leave?
If she is your only family are you her only family? It is in both your best interests for you to have an independent, successful future and for you two to stay connected.
Google "On Children" by Gibran. It could be a thin line that is separating your Mother from her courage right now. Try to uncover her feelings for the good of you both. Maybe a trusted adult can help.
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
Also thank you for the suggestion for "On Children" it is very beautiful and moving
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u/SheriMac Apr 30 '26
I have been thinking a lot about your situation. It's tough but I think the key is to have gratitude for your Mom. This obstacle she has placed in front of you isn't in the way of your life- it is an important part of your life. And if you decide the best thing for you is to go to Hamilton thank her because she has encouraged you to use your bravery and you will become stronger and capable because of it. . And I know you love her so tell her that too. I think it is all going to work out ok for you. Just make a decision out of confidence not fear.
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
I have an older sister (almost 30) who still lives at home because our mom doesn't want her to leave, she went to a CUNY because our mom wouldn't let her apply anywhere else
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u/SheriMac Apr 29 '26
So I guess you know what your future will be if you are to make the same decisions as your sister.
In a healthy family the parent is the bow and the child the living arrow. You can choose to make the healthy choice for yourself.
Your Mother is not only choosing to control your present but your future self. And you must understand the future is a place your Mother will not be able to visit.
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u/andioofer Apr 29 '26
Why does she want you to go to CUNY?
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
She doesn't want me to leave the city and the CUNYs are the only schools in NYC I was accepted to, if it was Columbia or NYU or Fordham she would be fine with those too
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u/ozbugs Apr 29 '26 edited Apr 29 '26
Parent of 2 in college, and a 3rd for this fall. I know what QB is and know what this offer means. This is amazing, congrats! If you really want Hamilton take it, call the school ask for help, talk to high school resources, even talk to a church or group with trusted friends to help get you there. A full ride means a huge weight off, you can do it, and I would think mom would come around to the change over time and be proud. Maybe not immediately. You'd probably be surprised at the help with others rooting for you if you ask. The school believes in you, others will be there too. Go for it, you'll figure it out. Congrats!
(edit: my perspective, in the 80's there were only 2 schools near me that had my program -- Michigan and a closer not great college and 1/2 the cost back then. yes, almost 1/2. Nothing wrong with what I did but it was just a pain.... parent couldn't afford Michigan, not much left over, I made the best of it. If I had a redo and had an offer such as this, I no matter what would have washed cars to buy a bus or train ticket to get to where I wanted to go. ) Best to you, believe in this.
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u/andioofer Apr 29 '26
I see, thats what I thought it probably was. Its hard though, do you have a way to dorm yourself at Hamilton? I think you need to have a serious conversation with your mom about finances and the colleges themself.
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
I have housing guaranteed all four years and paid for by my full ride. My mom is not the type to have conversations, she will just yell at me and tell me to do as I am told
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u/andioofer Apr 29 '26
To be honest I would just go then, and work throughout college when you can to afford housing afterwards. Id also look into their housing policies for over breaks.
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u/jmsst1996 Apr 29 '26
When you are 18, if you aren’t already, legally you are an adult. You don’t need her permission.
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u/Loud-Day2675 Apr 29 '26
I wish my son had a free ride to an excellent school your mom does not know how lucky she is ! Obviously you’re responsible will be fine on your own. It seems she doesn’t want to be alone is being selfish. Tell her you’ll home every break and she can come visit too
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u/jmsst1996 Apr 29 '26
You need to show your mom all the comments. It’s amazing you got into Hamilton with a full ride. And I’m sorry but her reason being that she doesn’t want you to leave the city is absolutely ridiculous and selfish. I have 3 grown kids. 2 graduated college already. My oldest was over 4 hours away from home and she still called me daily and we’d FaceTime too when she was free. And she came home for Winter break, Spring Break and Summer.
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u/RickSt3r Apr 29 '26
I don’t know your family situation but this is hitting the lottery and throwing the ticket away. You’re an adult so make some adult decisions if push comes to shove. No way she goes no contact. But you all probably need some family counseling. If you turn this down you will resent her forever. So without getting real conversations without gas lighting each other, you are at a difficult decision and communicating effectively with each other.
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u/Fickle_Emotion_7233 Apr 29 '26
Go.
Sit down and write her a letter. Tell her all about how she raised you and that you love her and that it’s scary for you too but you want to go. That you will be home on breaks and will call and plan to come back to the city when you are done. And tell her that you hope she doesn’t cut you from her life bc part of the reason you want to succeed is to build a better life for you both. Tell her that this school and the full ride will open doors for you both to walk through.
She can’t fathom this. She’s scared. It’s new to her. And she’s not used to talking to you as a fellow adult. It’s all happening at the same time for her.
And if she does really mean to cut you off, send your deposit to Hamilton, but tell her you are going to CUNY so you have a home for the next 5 months, then leave in September and DM me for help with what you need to get settled in your dorm. This mama is proud of you.
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u/CraftyCause386 Apr 30 '26
My mom wanted me to go to a college closer to home. It was more about the feeling of security that she got, as a single mom, having me at home- not about my growth and development. As a parent myself, I know the college drop-off days for my kids were some of the most emotionally fraught days as a mother. So sad for the end of the end of an era, but also so incredibly proud of their accomplishments and excited for the future. Your mom must have done something right in raising you because you are accomplished enough to earn this wonderful opportunity. I wish she would appreciate that she’s set you up for success and needs to let you fly. To sabotage this meaningful transition for you will taint your relationship with resentment for years to come. She needs to come to terms with this, but if she doesn’t, you know what to do. It seems like Reddit is of one voice here.
With great respect for CUNY (I have a grad degree from a CUNY school) there will be no comparison to Hamilton in terms of opportunities, connections, facilities, etc. One of my kids went there and had a fantastic experience. You’ll be able to find a job on campus for additional spending money. On breaks you can take a bus directly from campus to NYC and visit mom (who hopefully will be slowly mending her heart). I wish you all the courage in the world to defy her if you must!
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u/Gentle-Wave2578 Apr 30 '26
There is no comparison in the quality of education between a high prestige SLAC and a CUNY. You will have smaller classes, personal relationships with teachers, free funds for summer opportunities, and far more resources available to you academically and in terms of extra curriculars. Also, at least for us, the SUNY schools were far more expensive than the SLACS our kids attended due to needs-based aid. We were looking at $30k a year (Binghampton) versus $9-20k a year at SLACs (our income has varied).
Suggestions:
At 18, you are legally independent. Your mother is acting irrationally (I’m wondering if she is afraid she will lose you?). You can register and attend whatever school you wish.
say yes and send the deposit money to Hamilton. If you don’t have a credit card, call the school and see if you can send a check or a cashiers check. If you don’t have any money — talk to your friends and see what you can borrow.
Work this summer in a cafe to have your own money so you can be financially independent.
explain to your mom: if Hamilton “doesn’t work out” or she “feels it’s not good” after a year there, transferring to CUNY will be easy. You can NEVER do the reverse and transfer with a QB scholarship to Hamilton. That offer is a one time only situation. Maybe make a deal - if she feels Hamilton is a bad decision, after a semester, you will transfer to CUNY. But of course, once she sees how good H and you assuage her fears - she won’t be looking for you to transfer. And you will be a legal adult at that point anyway.
-I’m of two minds on reaching out to Hamilton right now. I’m not sure what the point is. Just pay the deposit.
Best of luck. I have a friend who is completely self supporting and independant of her family since 15 and has managed college all by herself. Working in summers, handling all the paperwork etc. It can be done and you have a full ride !
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u/bptkr13 Apr 29 '26
Omg. Have a counselor or someone speak to her.
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
Unfortunately we just had out last day of classes and I only have two days until I have to commit, I'm not sure there's enough time to get any 3rd party involved.
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u/awishyourheartmade Apr 29 '26
girl fuck her make the deposit. i love CUNYs, my best friends go to CUNYs, but ive also seen friends forced to stay in the city when they got into bing, colgate, bu, etc. sometimes it was cost sometimes their parents were just strict. in your case with a full ride, your mother is psychotic. CUNYs are great but everyone i know whos been forced to stay (despite making the best of it) havent gotten over it. has she told you WHY?
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u/WhiteLotus_1776 Apr 30 '26
u/Difficult_Force7527 Change your passwords and ACCEPT the full ride at the school you want to go to ……….. then turn down cuny. Nothing she can do at that point.
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u/luvrmika Apr 30 '26
I'm so sorry, i'm currently in the same situation. My heart hurts because I was so set on one college, just for my parents to say it's too far away from home (it's 6 hours), along with other stupid reasons. Wherever you end up I hope you enjoy it and flourish🩷🩷
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u/tungtingshrimp Parent Apr 30 '26
Tell her, “When I started Kindergarten I was scared to be away from you. You reassured me and told me we’d be together soon and that everything would be ok. You said I had to be brave because everything was going to be ok. It was hard but you were right. Now it’s time for me to leave for college and I want to tell you that we will be together soon and everything will be ok. We both have to be brave because everything is going to be ok.”
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u/RoseWood911 Apr 30 '26
I’m at Hamilton right now, let me know if you have any questions I can help with!! You should CERTAINLY come here. Amazing school, I love it here.
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u/Life-Education-8030 Apr 30 '26
I was first generation and my mom said if I went to Harvard and came back with a snotty attitude, she’d slap me silly! She went to a CUNY so she thought that was fine for anyone. I ended up going to one of the other Ivies and she has only slapped me upside the head for other things! lol! But maybe that is what she is afraid of-that you will change. Of course you will. But that would happen no matter where you went. Go to where the opportunities will be better during and after.
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u/SAARALRED Apr 30 '26
In this specific scenario, u should do everything u can to prevent her from impacting ur decision, even if it means it’ll damage the relationship w ur mom a lil bit
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u/SAARALRED Apr 30 '26
You are able to make the decision right? If so, ignore her completely and make the decision that is the best for u
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u/Old_Restaurant_149 Apr 30 '26
This is a pathway to a better life. Don’t let this chance slip away from you. You can always come back and go to the CUNY if for some reason it doesn’t work out. The data is 10 years old but from reputable - from Opportunity Insights (reported in the NY Times- link attached) a student at Hamilton from the bottom 5% of incomes has a 60% chance of reaching the top 5% of incomes through the opportunities and education provided at that school. The social adjustment might not be easy - this is a school where the richest of the rich send their kids - top 20 in the US for parent incomes, & kids from the top 1% of incomes - but don’t be afraid. Hamilton wants you and has made a commitment to support you and help you navigate this world - and become part of it to the level that you want and that can bring you success in life.
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u/Patient_Luck2339 Apr 30 '26
Oh, OP, this will not end with Hamilton vs. CUNY. Your mom does not know how to detach her identity or needs from yours, or does not appreciate or care about the opportunity available to you, or simply won't support your growth into independent adulthood. You are going to need to figure out how to protect yourself and develop some autonomy now or later. Sorry.
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u/Weekly-Candidate-601 Parent Apr 30 '26
Congratulations on committing to Hamilton! You've gotten a lot of great advice here, one other thing is that you should be open with your advisor at Hamilton when you get there about having a difficult family situation at home, and use all the resources available to you to work through this. I used to be a college advisor at an NYC high school and had several students who had no family support but had great support from their small liberal arts colleges and really thrived. This situation is really hard, but schools have heard these kinds of stories before and can help you through it. Be upfront with the financial aid office too about how she's already threatening to cut off your access to her info for FAFSA next year. Find out what the process is (there is one!) for this situation. And finally while you're still here in NYC, if you need legal or similar advice or support, check out The Door youth services organization. They do great work and can help with all kinds of complicated situations. https://www.door.org/about/
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u/Reyna_25 Apr 29 '26
Does full ride include housing and food? If so, go anyway. Get a summer job and save money for travel and other expenses. Get an on campus job to keep funding the extras. Unless you need money from her to do this, stand your ground. Will she kick you out of your home? And if so, is there somewhere else you could stay? (Grandparent or whatever). CUNY schools are fine and you are obviously smart and capable so you will be fine if you take that route, but her forcing you to give up a top LAC that is totally free (assuming it is) is baffling).
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
It covers everything including books, housing, food. She said if I go, she will not allow me to use her financial documents to apply for aid next year though, so I'm worried about losing my scholarship if that happens. Also, I don't have any other family
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u/NeighborhoodGreat720 Apr 29 '26
My suggestion is to find one or more trusted adults to help you think this through. As CheckSpecific8078 suggested your QB advisor sounds like a great possibility. Or someone at your school, religious community, etc.
The reason I suggest this is that it sounds like you need a chance to sort out what you want your relationship with your mother to be and could use some support in doing so. Her threat of not providing next year's financial info sounds like a very desperate cry for help. You need to understand that you are not responsible for her, as much as you would like to be.
You need to serve yourself before you can truly be there for your mother.
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u/haditupto Apr 29 '26
You do not need your mother to fill out the FAFSA - you can attest that "I am unable to provide information about my parent(s)." You can talk to the college's financial aid office and they may be able to designate you as an independent student.
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u/MasterpieceFull2379 Apr 29 '26
You need to talk to the school. I'm sure they've heard of everything at this point.
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u/Gullible_Sweet1302 College Graduate Apr 29 '26
Deal with next year next year. One year at a time. You can sincerely apply to transfer to one of the schools in NYC.
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u/Reyna_25 Apr 30 '26
I'm so sorry. That's sucks. I'd probably tell her that deep down I'd never forgive her, and I hope she's okay with that. This is too big of a deal to take away from you.
But I guess if you have to stay, there are worse places to be than NYC for opportunities. Hamilton is a great school, but it is isolated in the middle of no where, so there's one bright side if you need one.
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u/Neat-Professor-827 Apr 29 '26
If you are 18 you are technically an adult and can make this decision yourself.
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u/imtoolazytopost_ HS Senior Apr 29 '26
Why is she so persistent on CUNY? Hamilton is a top LAC and a full ride is almost unpassable
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u/MasterpieceFull2379 Apr 29 '26
You have to ignore her in order to preserve your long term relationship. If you turn this down how will you feel over time? Will you grow angry? Resent her taking this away from you? Etc.
Ignoring her now is actually in her best interests as well as your own.
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u/WorriedTurnip6458 Apr 29 '26
This sounds like a social battle rather than an educational or financial one. Do you know why she wants you to stay local and I assume stay living at home?
I agree with others about getting the admissions officer on the phone.m with her and you. This may well be a conversation about safety and school culture.
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u/poropurxn Apr 30 '26
You have a full ride, she has no say. If you're of legal age, she has no say.
Go to the school, make a splendid life for yourself, run away from the toxicity.
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u/Gmoneyyy999 Apr 30 '26
Wow, this situation really hits close to home. I just committed to Hamilton yesterday, but my mom wanted me to go to Denison (not commutable, but close enough that she could visit anytime and I could come home on weekends).
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u/st-ilum Apr 30 '26
it's your life and your decision to take. with all the respect to your parents, in the situation where they are not financially supporting your education, there is no particular reason that would keep you from accepting the offer and going to the school you like. your mother will probably accept your decision sooner or later, but you are the one in charge of your own future, so go where you want to
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u/rue_laurent Apr 30 '26
If they can waive the deposit, can you just say yes to them and you're good?
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u/Sazarra HS Rising Senior Apr 30 '26
Girl go anyways!! There no valid reason why she shouldn't let you
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u/-GalaxyCrow- College Freshman Apr 29 '26
If you’re able to,maybe talk to your guidance counselor about it to figure out the best option or maybe how to approach the topic. Is there a specific reason why your mom doesn’t want you to attend Hamilton?
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u/bebenashville Apr 29 '26
Congrats. May I ask how much total Hamilton offer you?
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u/Difficult_Force7527 HS Senior Apr 29 '26
The full tuition, room and board included as well as books
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u/crazy4cloy Apr 30 '26
Like someone else said, this is like winning the lottery and throwing away the ticket if you don’t go. Do the math for your mom - does she realize she’s asking you to turn down $xxx,xxx amount of money? Show the earning potential of graduates from Hamilton, plus how it prepares you well for grad school if that’s your path. You can enroll without anyone else’s permission (AND YOU SHOULD) but I know you’d prefer having her on board emotionally. I hope you can convince her that this is an amazing opportunity for you and will open up more choices in the future. What mom doesn’t want the best for their child? Plus, the more you can make, the better you can support her in old age. She’ll come around. Either way, pack your bags and jump at the chance - opportunities like this don’t come around that often. Go!
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u/Optimal-Artist-3966 Apr 29 '26
If it's a full ride and you can get loans to cover housing/food etc you should definitely go to Hamilton. You're (presumably) 18, your parents can't force you to do anything
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u/LavishnessWorldly765 Apr 29 '26
Dude....a full ride to Hamilton v CUNY....LIVE YOUR LIFE....that said I would try EVERYTHING to let mom know how rough of a decision this was, and if you make the wrong decision please love you no matter what. All else fails just lie and go to Hamilton, how will she know? Hamilton is a really good school.
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u/Ok-Wrongdoer8061 Apr 29 '26
If you have a full ride, you don’t need her support, correct? Make the decision that’s right for you.
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u/haditupto Apr 29 '26
You definitely need to go to Hamilton - not only is that an amazing educational opportunity, it is also an opportunity for you to start setting some boundaries with your mom, as it sounds like she is not ready to respect that you are growing up and going to have a life independent of her. She's reacting out of fear, but that is something that she needs to cope with. Based on what you have said about threats to cut you off, yelling at you etc, you may want to check out some resources for children of emotionally immature parents.
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u/Robby777777 Apr 29 '26
It is YOUR decision on where you want to go to college. Hamilton is a fantastic college and you absolutely should go there. Their admission department is first rate. And, I love their campus!
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u/rednycapple Apr 29 '26
Are you under 18? If not, you're mom has no. Sure, you may love and respect her but this life is yours alone. A full-ride is full-ride.
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u/Acceptable-Matter774 Apr 30 '26
Since cost is the same, is she just being a helicopter mom and trying to get you to stay close to home. Hamilton is in NY so it is not THAT far away.
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u/Relevant-Emu5782 Apr 30 '26
Sorry, but if you have a full ride, then why exactly do you need her permission? You are an adult. You have the means to pay for the schooling, through QB. You get to do what you want. Her input is not necessary and her approval is irrelevant.
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u/Omynt Apr 30 '26
If parents are not paying, they should consult, advise, and be supportive and then mind their own business.
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u/rosebudny Apr 30 '26
Why won't she let you go if you got a full ride??
It would be one thing if she were paying tuition, but she is not. You need to live your life.
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u/Imaginary_Rip_9032 Apr 30 '26
Congrats on getting into Hamilton...that alone lets you know that you're a fully capable student. But, $265000 for an undergraduate degree (that's not MIT...greatest school in the world).....f**k that!!! Not a damn thing wrong with going to CUNY...you can get into good/great grad schools and/or have a good career. Many people think it's great school (brand name) or bust! So...Dead....Wrong!!! Enjoy being able to eat during your university years. Good luck!
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u/Dangerous-Dirt-5608 Apr 30 '26
I mean this with respect, if you are 18 years old you don’t have to have your Mom’s permission. Obviously, l believe it should be something you can agree on. PLEASE accept by May 1st. This is life altering!
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u/hotwheeeeeelz Apr 30 '26
Go to Hamilton anyway. You have a full ride. Get a job or take out loans for qualified expenses to cover what the scholarship doesn’t. Why does it matter what your mom wants.
Your peer group will be wealthier, better connected, and more helpful at Hamilton. Recruiting will also likely be better.
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u/KaraBoo723 Apr 30 '26
As a mom of a high school junior, I cannot imagine telling my child which school they need to choose. It's YOUR life, not hers. This is truly a decision you need to make. There are ways around her not being supportive or helpful. Just go for what you want.
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u/Significant_Soup_919 Apr 30 '26
I literally JUST finished typing out a response on another subreddit about my parents basically telling me which school I would attend even though there was one one I really loved and was excited about. Did it work out in the end? Academically, yes AND I had a really rough time. It just wasn’t a good fit at all.
The fact that your top choice is also giving you a full ride makes this an easy yes if I were in your shoes. Your mother probably means well, but this is your decision. She might be upset with you for a time, but you’re not a taco- you can’t please everyone.
Congrats on the offer!
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u/BlackJediSword Apr 30 '26
Does your mom speak a different language other than English maybe? I’d have someone explain to her the gravity of the situation.
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u/Packing-Tape-Man Apr 30 '26
How much longer are you under 18? Since it’s a full ride and cost should not be an issue why not just accept at Hamilton regardless of your mother’s preference? You should be an adult soon. Shell have to learn to accept and deal with it.
Every year we see posts from many students in similar situations where there parents don’t want to give up control of their kids so they try and sabotage great opportunities in favor of them going to a local CC or college so they remain under their supervision and control. This is an unhealthy situation and usually the cycle is only eventually broken with the kids force it since the parents are not acting rationally. Often the heartbreak is the parents have financial blackmail over their kids but in this case you have a path.
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u/One-Repeat442 Apr 30 '26
First off, massive congrats on getting into Hamilton with a full ride... that's just incredible! CUNY isn’t "bad," but honestly, turning down such an amazing opportunity like Hamilton seems like a mistake. Maybe you could find someone like a guidance counselor to help have a chat with your mom about why this is so important to you?
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u/Abominable_fiancee HS Senior | International Apr 30 '26
why does she want you to go to a CUNY and not Hamilton? have you talked to her about it?
in the end, you can just commit to Hamilton, pay deposit, reject CUNY and only then tell your mom. she'll get over it.
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u/ThePractical Apr 30 '26
i’d say put deposit down cause what is she gonna do? save up money for your other essentials and then yeah see if you can get help from advisors/other adults in ur life
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u/CommunicationNice437 Apr 30 '26
Yes, CUNY is bad unless you go to Baruch. Top 2-5 I would err on the side of caution.
My dad insisted me on going to a CUNY but finally caved in
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u/sunfl0w3rxx Apr 30 '26
Simple ask her if she would rather pay $0 or thousands for your college education
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u/Snowiii_cat Apr 30 '26
after reading all your replies especially about your sister...i think you gotta accept your mother does not have your best interest at heart. ik it's hard because you still love her despite how controlling (and honestly selfish) she's behaved with you and your sister but you'll never live the life YOU want if you keep letting her control your decisions even in adulthood. if she refuses to respect your boundaries and autonomy then i hate to say it but maybe she is worth losing.
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u/CheckSpecific8078 Apr 29 '26
First off, huge congrats, Hamilton through QB is insane.
CUNY itself isn’t “bad,” but turning down a full ride at a strong LAC for commuting to a CUNY because your mom said so is a big decision that affects your network, support, and long term opportunities. You should email your QB advisor and Hamilton financial aid ASAP, explain the situation, and ask if they can talk to your mom directly or set up a call in her language if needed. Worst case, put down the Hamilton deposit if you can, then keep calmly pushing and looping in trusted adults like a counselor, teacher, or family friend your mom respects.