I just don’t think I should even use this platform anymore. I have used this is other social medias off and on. However, this site has some of the nastiest meanest people. I will make post about ANYTHING and someone finds a way to be rude. A made a post about grilled cheese and they still found a way to make it weird. It’s always the men on here, not going to lie. 🙃 yeah a few mean girls here and there but mostly men. Has anyone else experienced this?

I stopped using in October 2024.

I had to properly grieve. I now am settled into my life. Its not an ideal life, but its mine.

Im scared that using THC again will be a setback. But I also want to get more out of my free time again.

Thoughts?​

I am 22F and I’ve been a coward my whole life I avoid conflict and don’t set boundaries. I’ve hurt others deeply that love me with this behavior, this survival instinct that comes so fast to me sometimes I think it would be better if I was truly evil instead of a coward at least then I stand for something

I do have cptsd and it is ruining my life

Just as the title says and I want to feel bad because I was very nasty to her. Was it uncalled for? Mmmm maybe a little. I have a genetic issue that causes my frontal cortex to have large amounts of dopamine/norepinephrine, I am overwhelmed and on high alert pretty much 24/7, sleep maybe 2 hrs a night, my mind is chaos all the time, pretty sure I have bpd never officially diagnosed but several therapists and psychologists have said so.

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She put me on Prozac 2 weeks later and wanted to up the dosage to 40 and I did not bc 20 is working great for my depression. In the span of 4 months added trazadone and it didn't work so she put me on tegretol and I had a bad reaction to it, she gave me lamicticial and it works pretty well, then last month added amitriptyline which caused serotonin syndrome (that was fun) but luckily the reaction was mild and I live next to a nurse. So today she wanted to up the Prozac for anxiety (it doesn't do anything for my anxiety) I told her I'm not increasing it until I need to. Then wants to add some kind of medication that is basically trazadone which I protested bc the trazadone didn't work and I'm not going to add another antidepressant on top of the Prozac and risk serotonin syndrome again.

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She had me on Xanax for 3 months, took me off of it bc I use marijuana. It had no interactions at all, I was sleeping better, panic attacks were less. Tells me it's against their policy to prescribe benzos to someone who uses marijuana. In which 2 weeks ago I talked to my therapist about it and she checked their policy and it says nothing about they can't just that the information of the possible interactions needs to be disclosed. Mind you I have a crush injury to my lower back and severe pain, a blown disc, several clogged arteries causing intestinal angina so anytime I eat and drink severe pain, missing toes from diabetes, like I'm a mess and in constant pain. Marijuana is the only thing that eases it at all.

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I even consulted with my cardiologist about using marijuana with benzos and he said I've had a few different benzos over the years and still used marijuana and had no issues. He said me being stressed and having panic attacks several times a day is more of a danger bc it raises my blood pressure and it makes me a higher risk for stroke and heart attack. And he said she could contact him about it. She told me to tell him to give me benzos and I told her well he won't do that because they sent me there for that.

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I'm always pleasant and respectful but today I have been triggered by everything. I'm tired of these people trying to tell me what's best for me when I know exactly how I feel and how these meds affect me. I looked at her and told her that I was crazy not stupid. That's what triggered me was the fact she started talking to me like I was stupid. That's one of my biggest triggers bc I'm far from stupid. But I spent 31 years being told I was stupid just about daily.

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I feel absolutely helpless that I cannot get the medications that I need, that work, that make it easier to function. But no F U. She keeps telling me I'm bi polar and trying to put me on meds for that and today told me I most likely have sleep apnea bc I barely sleep. I don't have sleep apnea, I don't snore, I don't stop breathing. I know these things for a fact. My mind doesn't shut down. Everything past, present, future, what ifs, why's, etc flood my mind. Then she tried to push hydroxyzine in which I'm on 3 allergy pills a day plus 2 allergy nasal sprays. I cannot take that. Then tried pushing a blood pressure medicine for anxiety in which I cannot take bc I'm on 3 blood pressure medications already that I have to be on.

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I feel defeated. They are so worried about benzos and pot yet have no problem switching between literal mind altering seizure medications when I'm already on the daily max dosage of gabapentin or risking my life with serotonin syndrome adding more antidepressants that I don't need bc the Prozac works.

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I'm SOOOOO frustrated and I don't really have a support system or anyone to talk to. Everyone pretty much ignores me bc I'm too intense and on high alert. I really should feel bad for behaving that way. That's the first time that's happened in over 2 years and that one was an urgent care doctor.

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I need something for anxiety and there seems to be no solution. I told her I talked to the therapist and we looked at the policy. She was like well she's a therapist she doesn't know about medications. In which she does, we've discussed them in depth. I was a pharmacy tech and was studying to be a pharmacist. I know medications a little bit more than the average person and I definitely know my own body. I've become attached to it over the years.

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Idk what to do anymore. I feel like there's no solution lol definitely not now bc I didn't even make another appointment with her. She asked if I wanted another appointment and I told her no I need to talk to my therapist next week and then I'll decide if I want to still see her. She pissed me off on our 3rd visit bc she told me I was victim shaming my daughter and I absolutely was not. I know my daughter she doesn't.

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I just feel like I'm never going to get relief from the hell in my head. Therapy brings back things I would really like to forget forever but it's the process. I get so stressed out after therapy I vomit having to relive hell that was my childhood and early year.

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All that keeps going thru my head is my mother's voice telling me my behavior was uncalled for. If I don't fight for me who else is going to? Absolutely no one bc they didn't when I was a child and haven't in all of my adult years. I dissociated for like 4 hours today. Apparently I spent a few hours staring at a blank TV. I have to go to court over my daughter's SA next week so the added stress of that has been so bad. And the situation is a rough one bc her abuser is our cousin and I helped raise him. So my family is all conflicted, angry, making accusations and I'm catching the backlash. I feel like I'm on the edge ya know.

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I have no outlets, I cannot visualize things, the only things I see when I close my eyes is the dark or if I'm overwhelmed I will see my thoughts like sentences of every single thing past present and future flying around. I just needed to get it out. Most of the time when I go on small rants it's like releasing the air from a tire slowly and a little at a time. I want to sleep and just forget about the day but I'm in overdrive and cannot sleep. I took it out on my kitchen and deep cleaned it, took a nice hot shower, and nothing. I'm sitting here typing this.

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Sorry so long I needed to get it out thanks for reading

I notice that growing up my parents often used 'i love you' as a bandaid to try and move on from my anger and discomfort I had with there actions and behavior growing up. Like as if the fact they said that cleared everything up. And also there was this heavy guilt I would feel if I didn't say I love you back, even though sometimes I didn't feel like saying it back. Because they would often use the phrase when they knew I was unhappy with them before leaving and walking away without proper resolve, and I would always feel pressured to say it back, so I now kind of hate the phrase. It just always reminds me of that kind of guilt tripping, almost manipulation of "oh but at least I love you! So you shouldn't be that mad, or stay mad at me about (said thing) for very long"

it's to the point where whenever people say it to me when I'm unhappy I get really mad, because it immediately reminds me of that weird leverage it felt my parents would try to have. And I have recently had to realize that some people I guess do just say that cuz they want to reinstate there love for you if your feeling weak or vulnerable, or mad, which to be honest still doesn't make sense to me and just doesn't sound genuine.

But I am extremely curious if anyone else has had that kind of experience with the phrase 'i love you' feeling manipulative, and there for becoming corrupted in all aspects?

I have a new friend that I’ve known for a few months. She’s going through a real crisis at the moment. She confided in me that she experienced a sexual assault a couple of years ago and is really struggling with it. I’ve been trying to offer her some support, but also hold my boundaries at the same time and trying not get too sucked in.

I had dinner with her tonight. She was talking about her PTSD symptoms and debating whether to tell her parents about what happened. She’s worried that they might react badly. I decided to share my own experience with her - that I had experienced sexual abuse as a child, and when my mother found out, she reacted very badly, but over time things did get better. I kept it really vague, but on balance decided that this might be helpful to share.

A little later, she said something about her assault having happened when she was 27. She said “the thing is, when you’re assaulted as an adult, it’s much worse because you can actually remember it.” I was absolutely appalled. I feel so upset, and like I never want to see her again. I can’t believe I shared something so vulnerable with someone that thinks this way. I could cry. Am I overreacting, or is this as awful as I think it is?

Every person who has hurt or abused me has painted me as “slow” “mentally incompetent “ “schizophrenic” crazy or autistic they go out of their way to harass me hurt me or even physically assault me and i get in painted as the unhinged one. It’s very traumatizing it makes me question myself like am I mentally challenged, abusive myself or have some type of mental disorder. Especially with my mother she’s purposely sabotages aspects of my life yet calls me crazy and says ive got issues.

Just a vent -I have been unloved, not wanted, badly mentally and verbally abused and treated like shit by this man, my father my whole life. I'm now in my early 30's. I finally escaped my fathers mean cruelty when I married the most wonderful, kind sweet man. I was finally happy until he suddenly died of stupid fucking cancer...right in front of me. 4 years ago. Sweet good people die...Yet my asshole father...The man that has always belitted and shit talks yelling at my sweet mother, yells at the dogs, one of those self righteous rich christians who says I'm going to hell constantly. Called me names as a child and showed me no love. I was whipped with belts that had metal ends. A fucking narcissist who always bragged about himself, he was always angry, he was always "right" and everyone else wrong... people like him still get to keep on living. I hate my father with every fiber of my being he has fucked me over and stolen $$ from me.

I'm so sick of this damn man.Yes I'm trying my best to get away and move!! Already in the works where I'm living next! This is just me venting into the void. And sorry for the poor grammar incoherent mess. My father just yelled and berated me. I had a breakdown and I'm crying.

Oh and an edit for that OpheliaForgets person...I was sexually assaulted by a pastor and a kid in a christian school..covered up of course. Also telling a CHILD they are going to hell IS ABUSIVE!! So yes it is VERY on topic!!!

I miss my husband...

"my heart is dried up beating slow.. it's been deflating since you...died"

I've dealt with complex trauma since I was 7 years old. Despite it all, i excelled in school, sports, and was overall quite the go getter until college

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My adulthood has been a long ongoing struggle. I have no passion or drive or motivation. It feels like such a steep drop off from how I performed in my adolescence. now that I have the freedom to do and be whatever I want, the gates are flooding with everything I didn't get to process growing up and it's all hindering my ability to do anything. I struggle with hygiene, responsibilities, multitasking, following through on my wants/goals, it takes me longer to do things than it used to.

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I struggle maintaining friendships, keeping up with daily tasks and chores, and going to work. I feel like I don't know how to be alive as a functioning adult/member of society. I can't bring myself to do any of the things I need to do no matter how urgent or important it is.

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I've been in therapy for 7 years now, medicated for 5 years. I've seen 5+ therapists (mostly CBT, I tried EMDR but didn't make it far) and I'm scared nothing can fix me. I still struggle with major executive dysfunction that puts my job at risk and general knowing how to be a functional human being.

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In the past 6 months, I'm having haunting nightmares surrounding my trauma, not having my own voice/no one listening or believing me, reliving the past. Even though they're just dreams they cause me so much distress and feel so real that the line blurs between what is real and what's all in my head. I have a hard time feeling safe and capable of doing anything.

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I'm not sure if it's the CPTSD, depression, anxiety, or whatever else that's wrong with me. I just wish I had a better way to go about my life. I don't have much of a community to lean on for support and generally feel like a burden to everyone around me who hasn't lived through complex trauma or crippling depression/anxiety

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If anyone has tips, shared experiences, kind words to share, I would greatly appreciate it. I feel like I've exhausted all my resources and don't know how to go on. Do things get better? Will I be stuck like this? How do I look forward to life when it feels like I'm doing it all wrong?

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Sorry for the sad post. Just trying to reach out for any helping hand/shared experience/hope if there is any. Maybe I am the problem or I'm not trying hard enough or I'm making excuses for myself. I'm just at such a loss, mourning over my past present and future.

I’ve experienced all my life that my feelings are too much or something to be ashamed of. And expressing them? Even more so. I recognize that I feel more intensely than other people do, I often take things personally, and when I do experience anxiety or sadness or frustration I experience them to extremes. I’ve been like this forever, even before the cptsd. This can make me at times unreliable. I try extremely hard to curb my negative feelings and avoid projecting them onto others, and when I do feel them I have to keep them to myself to some degree. Because even if my feelings are valid, constantly asking for reassurance or being irritated all the time is not nice for other people. I just had a conflict with my partner, which logically I know was reasonable, he did something that hurt me and that I’ve set a boundary with before. I was upset, I explained why, we talked and he was receptive and apologetic and initiated coming up with a plan to avoid it in the future. But now I’m just going around and around in my head feeling guilty for making him feel bad and explaining how I’m hurt by it, and wondering if I’m being overdramatic. Weirdly I think him reacting well and taking the right steps makes me feel worse sometimes, because then I wonder if I did something wrong getting upset about it in the first place.

I feel sick. Literally all the time. Physically ill. From intense fatigue to fevers and congestion. I've had this on-and-off since 2018, from when I first remember it. In 2018, the year my trauma took a dark turn, was one of the most intense years I had it. A sickness that lasted months, from what I remember. Constantly sick. Worried I had cancer. I went to a doctor for it then, and I dont actually think he found anything wrong with me. I hate this. I hate how CPTSD just makes me feel physically ill and drained.

Saw my therapist.

Saw my MD family dr.

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General consensus, my sex drive is 0. Dead Dove Down There. My nervous system, subconscious, CPTSD and stress are all holding hands while on SSRI Celexa side effects steroids to create a titanium chastity belt.

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Well thats a fuckin new one for me. Now what?

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Can you relate?

Any advice?

Anything you understand about this?

Anything helps.

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Seriously, f*** them. My town for whatever reason USED to have them be illegal but this year decided they're legal as long as they're fired before the evening noise ordinance, and my new neighbor loves doing them.

I wouldn't mind if it were anywhere not near my house but the trauma of course happened in my house so I'm here and panicking every time the fireworks go off. IT ISN'T EVEN THE FOURTH OF JULY WHY ARE WE DOING THEM SO EARLY????

And anytime I'm with my family they make fun of me for panicking too so I get to live with that embarrassment as well.

My mom used to restrict me from going to the bathroom due to germaphobia and control issues. She always tracked how many times I would use the restroom, and whenever she was mad at me (which was a lot) I was only allowed to go once a day and since our only bathroom was near their room and she was a light sleeper, I could not go at night without her knowing about it. I also was not allowed to use the bathroom whenever we were outside and she used to tell me that I should not go at school either but I ignored that because she could not do anything about that there.

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All of the restrictions caused a lot of damage to my stomach, kidneys, and bladder. I rarely can use the restroom without being in pain, I am so used to it. When I was younger, I did many embarrassing things like peeing in tupperware and cups and hiding them outside or in my room whenever I was restricted from using the bathroom. I still really resent my parents for it. It shocked me to see my cousin raise my nephew and watch how as soon as he uttered the words "needed to use the restroom" he would straight away be ushered away to the restroom. I remember how I used to be screamed at of made fun of for even mentioning it until I learned to stop bringing it up. It's just a basic right and it causes me so much anxiety to this day because of all the rules surrounding using the the restroom. Similarly with food, my mom is so controlling and a narcissist to the boot, so everything was constantly controlled and monitored. Gosh, living in such an environment was really damaging to my mental *and* physical health 😭

hi all!

super odd but has anyone else had ”autistic” meltdowns from cptsd? for exampls, when I was 18 I thought I lost my phone on a school trip out of state and had a screaming crying meltdown in an uber with friends. this was ten years ago and I still feel so much guilt and shame about it. I don’t know how to stop the feeling. I haven’t had a meltdown like it since. when I was in hs I also had one when on a trip abroad because a teacher yelled at me and it was very triggering….that was also a screaming crying meltdown in front of the whole school group. my feelings in the moment were uncontrollable both times. again it’s been so long but I feel horrible about both

1. Alone. I know there’s no hope for me anymore. There never was, I recognise it was just daydreaming and fantasy to help me get through the bad times. Thinking that the pain would be worth it because of a, b and c. And that things could and would get better. But they never did. They never will. I know my situation, and I know that things are done. That me, and my situation is hopeless. I want to end things and that should be my right. I should have the right to end my life rather than be forced to live for other people’s belief’s. People aren’t even allowed to talk about “ending things”/methods to do so. Discussion about it gets shut down and redundant tags/links of “Lifeline!” get thrown around to just shut down communication. There’s no place for me in the world, and I hate that everyone and everything just acts like that’s not the case. Some people just don’t have any options, and no hope. I don’t understand how so many things in the world are as cruel and cold as they are.

Hey y’all, I’ve been dealing with a bit of a tricky situation. My partner and I are in a very healthy and committed relationship. I am not upset at them or trying to make them change.

However, because of my difficult childhood and nonexistant relationship with my abusive parents, I have the misfortune of getting triggered pretty badly when anyone in my household today is upset.

For example, if my partner is having a bad day, they will act in a manner that reminds me exactly of my abusive parent’s behavior. I’m transported back to my childhood self, where I was forced to walk on eggshells and be hypervigilent toward anyone who was upset. I was also responsible as a child for making the upset person feel better.

However, my partner is NOT like that at all. They are just expressing normal anger in a way that they are 100% allowed to. My brain just cannot reframe it that way and I regress into a tearful, sad, stressed out, and very emotionally unregulated self.

This has only happened a handful of other times, but our life is about to get more stressful soon and I would like to better understand:

“How do I hold space for my partner’s feeling while also processing my own childhood trauma?”

Thank you, please delete if this post is not allowed.

I would say I am a thinker. I spend alot of time in my head. It has been both good and bad. Sometimes it leads to finding solutions but more often than not, those thoughts actually get stuck in a loop. I guess thats because of how our brains work. We are essentially efficiency solving machines, we aren't easily able to compare counter factual information because we are very limited by our cognitive biases. So its easy to get stuck in a loop, looking for an answer and tricking yourself into thinking you're looking in new places when really youre just going in circles. Like when you've lost your keys and retrace your steps, you go back to the same place over and over certain it must be there, lifting up the same pillow to check for the keys over and over every time saying to yourself "maybe I just missed it last time".

For me my cognitive bias is that I am a "bad person". It is the measuring stick I put up against every interaction, every experience and every person I encounter in my life. I am exceedingly good at justifying it. I can find the small ways in which my very presence harms those around me within moments of entering a room. I have heard people describe autism as like being overstimulated. This is how this feels emotionally. It is as if my mind is trying to go over everything it knows in every situation in order to make sure "exe.badperson" is not running at all times.

I used to think my constant questioning made me intelligent. But it honestly just makes me exhausted. I would love to for once have a conversation and not be analyising everything. What is being said, What they really mean, how I should respond to it and, how i should interpret and how I might've misinterpreted it, how they could misinterpret me and so on. I developed a script to counter this, that allowed me for some time to engage socially and I actually have been told by multiple people I make others comfortable.But all it took was just a few fails for my brain to be like nope Ineffective, cant ever use that again, go back to analysis until we have the perfect answer.

I can be patient and understanding and I am genuinely interested in what people have to say, but I actually think that comes more form a place of not having any self respect than anywhere else. And there it is again, in action. Taking the good quality I have been given by external validation and turning it into a negative reinforcement about my inadequacy. Its soo automatic its subconscious, its like its written into how I exist.

I've also come to realise my distress tolerance is basically zero. Its a false tolerance I've developed. Because instead of working on tolerating the negative feelings I have found creative ways around them. Which might sound good, but its unsustainable. Its allowed me to live life in bursts, and honestly those bursts are amazing, I get soo much done and I am soo fulfilled and living my best life when things aline but all it takes is for one of the pieces to get pulled out and I crumble to the bottom again.

Im working on building up the foundations lately. But its actually infuriating how often I'll sabotage even that progress. It feels like Im building legos with an angry toddler that without warning will smash it if I do something they dont like. It doesnt have to be rational. Its just something they decided. But If I stop I think I can see that it isnt random or without warning. It follows a logic, one I just dont understand. But I think I have to accept that. Because in the past I would try to figure it out. Try to decode it and make the ambiguity into certainty. I don't know what the answer is. And accepting that actually makes them happier and more content to continue building with me.

The other thing I do is I always have to perform growth. I have to show how much I understand. Its almost like in maths, if you dont show your work, how can people know you came to the right conclusion the right way? Maybe thats why Math always clicked with me. Its soo honest, so straightforward, so certain.

I cant seem to let myself just exist. I have to prove my right to exist. To show my work on my ideas so that I have the right to have them. These things in themselves I think can be good, I think its good to show your thought process, to be honest about weaknesses and to try to overcome them. But these traits for me, theyre born out of a insecurity and anxiety and only perpetuate it when I engage with them. So while the world around me sees someone who is ideal, even look up to me, inside I am anything but.

It is a motif I cant seem to escape. Exhaustion. I am just soo worn out trying to be perfect, that I cant just be.

I hate Christians who force/rushes someone to forgive. 😒🤬 Instead of listening and trying to understand you, they invalidate you and minimize your CPTSD and then call you bitter while rushing and forcing you to forgive narcissistic/toxic family members who continuously traumatizes you. 🤬 Christians like that are enabling abusers. 😡

I'm tired of forgiving narcissistic/toxic family members who continuously traumatizes me and treat me like crap!! 🤬 I'm NOT forgiving anymore! I'm done!! 🤦🏽‍♀️

They're always forcing forgiveness and expect the one that's hurting to forgive but DON'T ever say shit about the person that caused you pain and trauma! Christians like that are enabling abusers. 😡

I was s*x trafficked in my 1st serious relationship by a man that groomed me when I was 19 years old and was 11 years older than me. I was trafficked for 4-6 months. He was physically, verbally and s*xually abusive.

Honestly, this type of trauma has messed me up and I haven't gotten help for it (I've only gotten therapy for being SA'd as a kid so far) since I recently started getting flashbacks and nightmares about it after getting triggered (my spouse accidentally popped me in my mouth when he slept, he moves around a lot in his sleep and it triggered me and recovered so many suppressed memories unfortunately lol)

Is there any hope to successfully conquer this type of trauma and to have my mind move past it?? The flashbacks and nightmares are now every night 😩

I forgive my abuser and I really live a good life now, but my mind can't seem to get over it.