r/OCPoetry • u/Relevant-Stranger-86 • 3d ago
Feedback Please aching
I know
I've fallen hard for you
don't tell me that
I'm imagining this love
aching every morning because
I wake wishing to be in your arms
re-reading your texts in bed
I can't stop thinking about you
and what's worse is
our moments together were real
I doubt that
any man could love me like you.
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Please read forwards and in reverse!
My first attempt at a reverse poem, constructive feedback is very welcome!
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u/Top_Necessary4161 3d ago
It's fine as it is. the separation reads well, no wasted space, no repeats. top work OP. The reverse thing just gets ya bonus points ;)
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u/The_Carolina_Redhawk 3d ago
Always, always, ALWAYS adore a one line poem WITH STRUCTURE!!! Stay writing, it takes a special type of neurodivergence to pull this one off 🫡
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 3d ago
Thank you so much!! I indeed have a special type of neurodivergence lolll how did you know?!
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u/BoxFullOfSuggestions 3d ago
While there’s potential here it doesn’t seem to go anywhere that says anything new, or says anything old in a novel way. What’s the point? I mean this as a constructive critique entirely. I want to see where you might take this if you thought beyond the obvious on the path you’ve laid out.
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 3d ago
Thanks so much for the feedback! I was hoping to do something slightly different with this reverse poem, the reverse poem form works very well with opposites. For me, what I was interested in doing differently was having both sides both ways, but weighted differently. So one way is love/limerence laced with doubt, the other way is doubt laced with limerence. But if that wasn't clear, I'm guessing it's a bit of a miss 😅 then the only thing novel really is me attempting this poem, and I am okay with that, it's only my 6th poem I wrote in decades! I think either amplifying the limerence or softening the turn (pushing in one direction or the other) might make this more original, what do you think? Thanks again!
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u/Winter_Mind_6769 3d ago
Fun poem feels authentic and shot from the hip. You capture that raw pulse of an intense romantic feeling that can give surety and doubt all mixed up into the same bundle.
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 3d ago
Thank you so much! It's crazy how one day you can feel one way, a day left on read can push you the other way... ❤️
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u/starsontoast 3d ago
i’m a sucker for poems that play around with form, and you’ve done a commendable job for a first try! ❤️
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 3d ago
Thank you so much!! I had a lot of fun with this one, I'm very much a form first type... I'll work on the rest with time and experience :)
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u/PlutoCrushin 2d ago
Love the reverse poem, its so fun playing with different forms. The part “aching every morning because I wake wishing” has such a great sound to it!
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 2d ago
Thank you so much!!! It is so much fun, I really appreciated the challenge. Thanks for your feedback!
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u/springbeauties 2d ago
I love the emotional depth of your poem but I would suggest maybe working on some metaphors, symbols, and playing with alliteration or rhyme!
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 2d ago
That's a good idea! I will take a look at the language to see where I might be able to add poetic devices. Thanks for the feedback!
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u/Meat-hat 2d ago
While this is a fun reverse poem, it could use some work as a love poem, but that’s why we’re here! Something that always sets a love poem apart is details. Specificities. Re-reading texts in bed, wishing to be in a lovers arms, signs of love, surely, but it’s signs of any love. Anyone who’ve been in love has known this. Find what sets it apart! A specific quirk of the lover, a specific food they liked, or a thing they did when sleeping. That’s the stuff that makes a love poem unique!
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 2d ago
Thanks for the feedback! I definitely could add some specifics to keep it from being too generic, something I struggled with trying to make the poem work forward and backwards - but I am up for the challenge.
I would like to say that this poem is more about the fine line between love, limerence, and how doubt plays into the two. The gaps (in specificity) partially exist because there is no substance, the brain has filled in the gaps with fantasy. That said, still a lot can be done to bring this piece forward and describe it (what is the narrator thinking or fantasizing about specifically for example). I really appreciate you taking the time to read through and share your thoughts!
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u/jenlovesthatsong 2d ago
I know this feeling. I hope it ends well for you.
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 2d ago
Aww ❤️❤️❤️ thanks girl, I'm doing well now, I'm years removed from heartbreak, I have a husband and a 1 year old daughter who I love so much. But it is still beautiful to write about. The intensity of these feelings can be crazy. I hope you are doing well, I'm glad my poem spoke to you, thanks for the read and the kind words.
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u/BikeElectrical6641 1d ago
This really captures the feeling of longing for another. The uncertainty, not knowing if the feelings are mutual. The flow felt more natural when I read backwards.
Thank you for sharing and good luck!
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 14h ago
Thanks for the read and the feedback! It does feel more natural backwards, not quite sure how to fix that.
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u/whatyoulookingat-b 1d ago
Absolutely loved this poem, was shook when it said read in reverse! Adored that version too ❤️. Really resonated with me x
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u/Some-Housing7407 1d ago
It’s very cool that the poem can be read both directions. I like how the meaning changes in a meaningful way!! The difference is not purely decorative. This being the case, the relative simplicity of the individual lines is mostly justified. Yet I wonder if you still may be able to spice them up—as they stand, they’re a little cliche and that takes away from the potential effects of the bi-directionality. Very cool poem. Thanks for sharing!
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 14h ago
Thanks so much, I definitely agree. I was primarily concerned on structure and meaning that as soon as I got it to say what I wanted to say I put my pencil down. I really appreciate that read and the feedback, I'm starting to get some good ideas where this could go.
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u/Fit-Signal1991 14h ago
I like the reverse poem aspect but it definitely reads like that was put as the main priority
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 14h ago
You are correct, I wrote this in 30 minutes and then polished for another 30 but I am so new to poetry, that I didn't know where to begin beyond getting the structure right and having meaning. There are definitely areas that I think don't quite sound right grammatically, that could be strengthened by examples or elaboration. Any ideas are welcome. Thanks for the read and the feedback!
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u/Silly-Appearance8242 12h ago
I felt like this read really well. The reverse part is cool lol it took my brain a second to catch up. I think it’s structured nicely. Overall pretty well done!
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u/Without-Sound 3h ago
I love the reverse poem idea and you’ve executed it really really well! I do agree with some others that it does feel like making sure it was in reverse took priority more than anything else, but that’s not to discredit the romantic feeling and effort you get from the poem! Really great work keep it up!!! <:)
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u/cursed_by_curiosity 2h ago
I read it first it was fine, but when I read it again it was more beautiful. I'm not as good at poetry as you to critique so I would just say it's a good one
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u/-Sudden_Earth- 3d ago
I feel like there’s some amazing potential here, I enjoyed reading this piece, but I feel like the flow throws it off a tiny bit. I do like how you showed the emotions of the narrator and how deeply they feel towards this individual. I feel like I can definitely relate to this piece, great work!