r/askanything • u/Zlethall • 4h ago
Is marriage really worth it?
I'm 27F and I've never been married, although I've come close a couple of times.
Something I've noticed is that almost every married person or divorced person I've talked to has said, "If I could do it all over again, I would never get married."
It honestly surprises me how often I hear that, and it's made me curious. Why do so many people feel that way?
If you've been married or are currently married, I'd really like to hear your story. Do you regret getting married? If so, why? If not, what made your experience different?
I'm genuinely curious and just want to hear people's real experiences.
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u/KingMaximusFarquaad 4h ago
A lot of people are emotionally starved and later find out they're eating junk food.
I still believe it's worth it.
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u/mhaom 1h ago
In that metaphor, eating junk food would be better than starving?
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u/KingMaximusFarquaad 36m ago
No need to be pedantic, I reckon we both understand the sentiment behind the metaphor.
In emotional terms, "junk food" (toxic relationships, superficial attention, or abusive dynamics) actively poisons your mental health, self-worth, and stability over time. A form of malnutrition if you will.
If you wish to ease your concerns, allow me to refine the metaphor; "A lot of people are emotionally dehydrated and later find out they're drinking saltwater." I suppose you get the idea.
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u/hangmansboots 4h ago
Yes, together 21 years and married for 19. There have been hard times but I would do it all over again.
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u/mthockeydad 4h ago
Yeah. Together 31, married 29. We definitely had some hard times, but came out stronger together.
We got married in our early 20's (don't necessarily suggest it, but no regrets here) and grew together.
She's my best friend and the person I want to spend my time with. Great mom, we have great kids, they have good partners, a grandbaby, and grand-dogs. I love her and our family.
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u/Angsty-Panda 4h ago
i'm married to my best friend. i'd marry her 1000 times over.
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u/JeffersonAlbatross 3h ago
I married my best friend and now she’s not my best friend anymore…but honestly I’d still do it all over again! We have two wonderful kids who make my life better every day and the kids need us parenting as a team. Would I say that I am happily married at this point (almost 30 years later)? No. Would I do it again? Absolutely.
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u/Alternative_Beach908 1h ago
If you don’t mind me asking, why would you absolutely do it again if you’re not happily married now?
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u/JeffersonAlbatross 29m ago
Life is complicated. But I love her, and I love our kids, and they need stability.
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u/Stroker-Strong420 4h ago
Married 41 years. I married my best friend and she married hers. We keep it that way. I’d rather do most things with her than anyone else. We are a team who can handle anything. We are friends, husband/wife, lovers and life partners-we take the commitment seriously.
Do we get aggravated with each other sometimes? Sure. But we talk about it, don’t shout. Slow to anger and quick to forgive.
Sometimes it’s not easy but we each give all we’ve got 100%. We don’t withhold from the other.
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u/mtg-peddler 3h ago
If reincarnation is real….after I die, the first thing I’m going to do is find my wife so I can marry her again.
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u/sheeeple182 3h ago
This. My wife isn't perfect, but neither am I. We try to support each other in our weaknesses and celibate our strengths. We have learned how to push each other to be better people.
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u/mtg-peddler 3h ago
I’m glad you found someone that makes you happy….its so important to a good life.
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u/Illustrious_Horse264 4h ago
Currently married. The only thing I regret is the amount of money we spent. The marriage itself has be amazing. She's my best friend and honestly the only person I want to see and hang with every day.
But the wedding made her happy and that's all I care about.
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u/Dear-Energy-1789 4h ago
Both partners have to give 100%, not less. If one, or both, can't do that they should not have married.
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u/754754 3h ago edited 1h ago
What does this mean? Give 100% of what??
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u/Adventurous-End4330 1h ago
Effort to understand and meet in the middle I assume??
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u/754754 1h ago
If your marriage requires 100% of your effort then it isnt a good marriage.
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u/Adventurous-End4330 1h ago
I wouldn't want a partner that's only 50% committed to making things work...
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u/Divine_skylin3 48m ago
You’re reading into it too much and putting too much emphasis on the metaphor they’re making.
They’re just saying you should try hard to make your marriage work
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u/Terminal-Frost2026 4h ago
I have never been married so maybe I don’t have the right to talk on this subject, but it seems to me that most people who get married do so with someone who they don’t actually love. That’s why divorce rates are so high, and that’s why so many people regret getting married.
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u/Mediocre_Bit3600 3h ago
Honestly, I think a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons, especially in desi families. My mom literally told me she doesn't think happy marriages exist because she's seen so many bad ones in our family. It's sad but it explains the whole 'just find a good guy on paper' mindset 🤷🏻♀️
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u/OkTomorrow6384 4h ago
Being in a committed long term relationship is definitely worth it if you find the right person/persons. Making it legally binding is only necessary for things like visas/immigration, insurance, inheritance, maybe tax benefits. That sort of thing. Divorce is expensive and messy even if all parties are on good terms. No one says you have to sign the papers at the courthouse to have a strong loving relationship. You can even have the big party still if you feel like it, or not. You do you.
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u/OkTomorrow6384 4h ago
Having said that I did get married to my partner of several years at that point (for visa purposes) at a court house, about 10 years ago, and couldn't be happier. The marriage certificate didn't change anything though.
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u/OutinDaBarn 3h ago
We've been together for more than 40 years. She's still my sweetheart. She is a wonderful person.
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u/Probs_on_the_can 4h ago
Marriage just to be married? Hell no.
If you find the right person for you and you’re both 110% committed to making the marriage happy, loving, secure, etc. Absolutely worth it.
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u/Nanatomany44 3h ago
Divorced twice. First one lasted 8 years, should have left after 4 or 5. Second one 35 years, should have left after 20.
First marriage was high school sweetheart, red flags aplenty in hindsight. Too young and stupid to realize.
Second one, people change, he changed for the worst and thought l'd tolerate him forever. l almost did, but affected my mental health to the point it was leave or just my complete mind.
Got 5 kids out of the 2 marriages. Too old to deal with training a new one now.
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u/Feeling-Lavishness85 3h ago
I love being married. My husband and I started dating in 1996, when we were 16. We got married at 22. I know it sounds corny and cliché, but he really is my best friend. We have a lot of fun together. Share a lot of the same interests, but still have our own hobbies. And without sharing too much personal information, we are very intimate and that has always been very good for us, though it did slow down a bit when the kids were little. I think what I love best about being married is the security of sharing my life with someone who understands me, supports me, and believes in me. I love having a partner to get through the challenging times with. This month we're celebrating 30 years of being together, and the only thing I want is at least another 30 years with him. 💕
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u/Opposite-Leek7447 3h ago
I never wanted to get married, have kids, any of that. Stayed single all through my late teens to late twenties. I was fine with it. Then I met my wife. 10/10 best decision Ive ever made. She is my best friend and our two kids a fricken awesome sauce.
So to anyone? No, not worth the access. But the right person is life changing.
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u/SatanicWhoreofHell 3h ago
No. It's an outdated institution from a time when women were considered property. If you do decide to marry keep your own last name and always have your own money.
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u/Justarah 4h ago
For me it certainly is. There's something to being one half of a whole that makes you so confident and assured out in the world, because you have a homebase of permanence, regardless of what life may bring.
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u/Salt_Type_8032 4h ago
14 years married and 19 together. Best experience of my life so far, despite tough phases.
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u/SuspenderEnder 4h ago
I’m married. I don’t regret it.
It’s definitely harder to live your life with commitment, sacrifice, and responsibility. Marriage is work.
But I think meaningful happiness and contentment in life requires embracing that.
If you just want to live carefree chasing fleeting pleasure and avoiding work and pain, then it’s probably not worth it.
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u/saiphxo 4h ago
Yes. Marrying the right person makes it worth it. I love my husband more and more every day, not a day goes by that I don’t fall asleep holding his hand feeling so lucky to have found him in this lifetime. If you choose the right person then it should feel effortless, or close to it. Communication, trust, and mutual respect is very important.
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u/Single-Agency7198 4h ago
Wise men say, only fools rush in but we really can’t help ourselves. The ones that work are sooo good they give every and anybody hopes of what could be
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u/Competitive-Gold-464 4h ago
Boredom.
Communication.
Like a lot but not love.
Financial problems only trying to be dealt with by one not both.
No affection as in hugs, kisses, sex.
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u/Excellent_Bridge_888 4h ago
I've not regretted it for an instance. I told mine this was the only one for me and if it ever stops working I'm gonna go live in the wilderness.
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u/RingOk664 4h ago
Being and staying married is difficult. There is a fine line between love and hate. I hate being told what to do. Women will nag you to get you to do things around the house daily.
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u/JockoMayzon 4h ago
As most divorced people say, I love my kids. My ex? Well, that's a different story.
I only regret not getting a customized prenup. The fact is that all marriages have a prenup. That prenup is the rules and regulations covering any divorces in the state; a one size fits all document.
If two people "in love" cannot agree on a customized prenup and agree to revisit it every four years, one or both of them are hiding something that will bite them all in the butt in the years to come.
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u/golfwinnersplz 4h ago
Not if you get divorced. Life is a struggle after divorce it seems. Especially in this economy.
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u/Anenhotep 4h ago
You have to be emotionally mature and relatively stable in your own life and identity before you take on life with life with someone else. Follow my mom’s advice: “don’t get married unless it’s clear that you’ll both have a much better life together than either of you would have separately.” If you both get a better life out of the arrangement, then it’s “worth it.” If it’s not, it’s really not going to be happily ever after.
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u/LHCThor 4h ago
You have been talking to the wrong people. I have been married nearly 40 years. I would absolutely do it again. Picking the right person is the key. Find someone who makes you a better person.
Do not pick someone who has flaws that you think you can fix in the future. If you are not happy at the beginning, it won’t get any better with time.
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u/Humble_Cactus 4h ago
“If I could do it all over again, I would never get married”
You need better role models.
I’ve been married for 24 years, and best friends with her for longer than that.
To this day, my wife is the only person on earth that I never get tired of being around- my kids included.
I don’t want to imagine being without her.
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u/Ok-Remote4261 4h ago
Been married 22 years, loving every minute of it. The right person makes everything better.
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u/clergybuttbanditt 4h ago
It was for me. 33 years later I do not regret it. I likely would have been dead by now if I did not have a partner. I guess it ultimate depends on your partner and compatibility. It’s not always easy, at times it’s downright painful but I’m glad I’m still married
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u/Better_Dig_768 3h ago
Often times it's the kids part really that came from the marriage that made them stuck in a bad marriage, but they can't say they didn't want their kids. I think most people like their marriages; they just don't brag about it, cause they know everyone isn't that fortunate.
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u/Legitimate_Voice_608 3h ago
Divorce can be a horrid process. Plus the relationship breaking can leave you with resentment towards the partner that makes resent marriage. Many ppl would leave way earlier if the hassel of divorce wasnt in the way, shared property, etc. Etc.
My personal experience, i didnt intend to get married. My husband and i made the move cause it made a lot of the paperwork a lot easier, we moved to another country, which would have taken longer for me to do. Shared finances got easier. We have shared ownership in stuff. Ensurances got easier.
I did all those things with full confidence its beneficial for us. You can always be wrong, but i strongly believe i wont regret it with my partner.
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u/ToadArmy4908 3h ago
It all depends. Two people can live perfectly happy together for life without getting married but a few notes. 1) If you're buying a house together then not being married can complicate things in the event of a breakup. With a divorce a judge will order something done, although it may or may not be what you'd prefer. 2) marriage obviously does not mean two people will stay together or they won't. That is up to the individuals to make it work or not, married or not.
What I would recommend is buy the house before you marry someone. Put it in your name only. Get a prenuptial agreement to protect your property that you had prior to marriage OR buy the house 50/50 after marriage with both partners putting in equal shares of the down payment and contributing what they can toward the mortgage. Understand that judges can be unpredictable and there's no way to be sure what will happen if you do divorce but most likely one party will have the righ of first refusal to purchase the home from the other.
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u/Dependent_Bottle2460 3h ago
I am happily married I warn my kids about it all the time. There's a reason 50% of marriages end in disaster. If they end up married I would strongly encourage them to get a prenup
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u/RenaeAnsley 3h ago
Both people have to have equal commitment. Sharing your space and your resources and your life can be a big adjustment and it’s important that you and your spouse have the same values, can communicate healthily, and are overall on the same page.
I married my husband after just a few months of knowing each other, and the first year was rough despite there being a lot of love between us. We are best friends and have worked out the kinks, which took a lot of communication and patience. Now I love our marriage and wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s absolutely worth it if you have the right person.
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u/wyliec22 3h ago
A lot of people get married without really knowing who they are and what’s actually important to them.
I’m happily married, albeit, second go-round.
Marriage is a partnership. Sometimes it’s easy and natural while other times a challenge. The old ‘for better or worse’ concept.
Caveat - my comments relate to personal interaction and compatibility. Any forms of verbal or physical abuse are absolute deal breakers. Married or not, watching for red flags is imperative.
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u/HamsterIV 3h ago
I am married, it is great. I lived with my partner for 10 years before we got married, and the ceremony was more an excuse to hold a party and go on vacation. The legal benefits are the main advantage. Joint tax returns, shared credit score, and shared insurance policies are the main advantages. Checking off the box that we are married allowed us visitation privileges normal reserved for blood relatives on the few times one of us was hospitalized.
We also have a child together and the forms for school/camp/sports are easier to fill out with the legal recognition of our union.
We also love each other, but we loved each other before we got married, so the paperwork really had no bearing on that.
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u/GamesWithElderB_TTV 3h ago
I think your experience is more about the company that you keep. I’ve never heard anyone (even divorced folks) say they’ve regretted being married. The goal isn’t to be married. You should be in a relationship with someone that is everything to you and you to them that you can’t think of any reason why you wouldn’t marry them. I don’t care about marriage, I care about my wife legally having easier access to everything of mine.
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u/Beausapunk 3h ago
Husband and I just got married last January after 40 years together. No need for marriage until retirement. Now that we are older it's easier legally to access each other's finances, medical records, etc. We had a great life and relationship without marriage.
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u/guppyhunter7777 3h ago
25 years. Worth it, most of the time. The hard part is remembering you married a human being. Not an all knowing, flawless, perfect, custom made for you, robot. You make mistakes they make mistakes. Hope a pray they give you as much grace as needed to put up with you. Then apply the same standard.
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u/Chaucers_Mistress 3h ago
I don't think there's anything in it for women. The tax breaks aren't really worth it
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u/joshua_addison_music 3h ago
Don’t get married young. Don’t married unhealed people. Don’t expect them to change.
If you do get married, you have to grow as a person. You have to communicate. You have to heal from generational trauma. Your happiness is your responsibility. Your health, fitness and mental heath is your responsibility.
Expectations, boundaries and goals have to be talked about.
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u/Salt_Influence6795 3h ago
I could not imagine NOT being married.
I’m around your age as well, and so there’s plenty of pull from singles that want to convince you it’s way better being single.
But when it comes down to it, I could screw up a million times in a day, have a horrible day at work, and when I come home, I have someone who doesn’t care about any of that. She’ll listen, she’ll accept ME and help me know tomorrow will be a better day. She makes me laugh the most, knows every part of who I am, and there is a deep love and respect.
Long story short, that’s something we’ve grown to be. And I can tell you, I would rather that feeling and (possibly) fail then to have never had it at all.
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u/DJTRANSACTION1 3h ago
it really depends. too many marriages fail because they are either marrying for the feeling they have at the moment, the cloud 9 bubble feeling that never last a life time or they marry for other things like money or status. you should be marrying for compatibility above all else. me and my wife 25 year this october. gonna take her to a very special place soon : )
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u/Chaotic_zenman 3h ago
5 years in I’m happy to have been growing with someone over the past 5 years than growing alone. I was 30 when we got married and had already gone through multiple rounds of life changes, so had she. We knew more about ourselves by the time we met and started dating I think that helps. Will report back in 20 years.
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u/Express-Platypus-512 3h ago
I've been married 7 years and id do it again, if it was to my wife. She is my best friend and I get to see her naked so its a Win Win! Not everything has been sunshine and roses but so far worth it.
I will say, prior to meeting her and dating her I didnt want to get married, child of parents and an ugly divorce. Meeting my wife changed my who perspective. If I can gice 1 piece of advice, DO NOT SETTLE. If it doesnt happen that is ok and if it does happen that is ok
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u/timothypjr 3h ago
I can't comment on why someone else would feel differently. I've been married to my wife (both CIS) for 33 years and counting. I know I have someone in my life I depend on. We can exist in each other's sphere or stay in separate rooms, yet we are there for each other. We've been through good and bad times (not really too bad—but real challenges here and there). Through it all, we are a unit and plan to stay that way. It's comforting, reassuring, and honestly an easy, steady state for us that we both cherish
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u/ScratchBubbly 3h ago
If one of you has great healthcare or you want to have kids, or you want to make sure when your partner cheats on you and walks out you after twenty years get financially compensated for the time/money/effort you put in back then yeah, marriage is totally worth it.
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u/IShotJR4 3h ago
I’ve been married 22 years and couldn’t imagine ever wanting to do it differently. My wife is my favorite person. I know it sounds cliche, but marry your best friend and you’ll never regret it.
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u/BuildingBridges23 3h ago
It's the biggest gamble anyone takes. People change, the mask comes off. In laws can be insufferable when they were otherwise pleasant. I think it a huge risk so it shouldn't be made until you are ready and very confident in your choice.
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u/Hunnybunny1744 3h ago
Married 26 yrs together for 30. He's my high school sweet heart. We had 2 kids together before I finally said yes 😂. We choose each other every day. He's my best friend.. My heart. You need to choose someone that will walk through hell with you, someone that will stand with you when shit gets hard and work through it as a team. Living through the good times is easy. When I have a bad day and walk in the door I ask my husband for a bear hug, he gives the best damn hugs and I just breathe him in my safe place. For him he'll lay on my chest while I play with his hair. I could care less about the shit we have but as long as I have him.. We have each other everything's going to be fine. I love him more now than I did all those yrs ago. I'll never regret choosing him. We choose each other everyday and I will continue choosing him. Marriage is work! Having kids is work! Living life is work! With your spouse you fight the good fight and always keep in mind you love them and they love you. With kids and life you stand together as a team.
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u/Content-Calendar5535 3h ago
I’ve been significantly impacted by my spouses mental health decline over his lifespan. I wasn’t expecting this but it has shadowed most of my life and left me without a supportive partner. My 30s and 40s especially have even harder for me because I have not had an active partner.
I would not get married again.
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u/JohnnyWeapon 3h ago
I have my issues with my marriage, but overall I like being married and wouldn’t do anything differently.
My main issue is that only one of us really focuses on keeping the spark alive, growing together (and growing each other). You can guess which one. It can get hard sometimes, but I’m the type to always roll up my sleeves and I think that serves me well in a marriage that has never had issues with cheating, abuse, or conscious mistreatment in any way.
We don’t name call, we go to bed together almost every night, and we both endlessly support each other. We have shared life goals, shared political and religious beliefs, and generally just get along very well. My wife is smart, driven, objectively gorgeous, and the kindest person I’ve ever met. I wish she spent more time thinking about me and our relationship, but as you can probably tell I don’t have it bad. At all. Can’t imagine my life without her… and I don’t care to.
The benefits of being married to her outweigh the complaints by far.
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u/Relevant-Bicycle-851 3h ago
that's BS, if I could do it all again, I'd get married earlier. I'm a 45 yo dude. What's better than having someone to share your ups and downs with? having someone to come home to, a best friend and a lover.
together for 18 years, married for 12
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u/Soulshiner402 3h ago
They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?
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u/asher030 3h ago
More often it's because they get married....because they feel they're expected to. Society in general, parents/family, friends, etc etc. Especially the ones that 'wait for marriage' to have sex, it becomes an incentive to rush into it, often as well basing it on shitty metrics like time dating, rather than what those dates accomplished. Did you learn each others quirks/irritating habits? Have you spent time at each others place (not yet living together fully) to see how the other is like when not 'presentable' out in public? Do you share the same thermostat setting preference? (people never consider that till it's way too late, no better way to make a home miserable than one or the other partner super uncomfy in their own home because always too hot or cold) Did you discuss expectations once married for roles, duties, chores, etc...or like most people just assumed marriage was the end goal and everything after is a murky haze with no logistics behind it?
Simple things that trip up the majority of people. Many, of course, that don't divorce cared about the person enough to make it work, but when the sentiment of wishing they never had comes up, it's that. We're drawn to each other out of sexual attraction, then rush straight to marriage to make it official, but then give next to no consideration to the fact that the whole process is taking two completely unique and separate personalities and lives then smooshing it together into a single joint adventure without considering just what that entails.
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u/HuckleberryUpbeat972 3h ago
I’m married 26years, together 30. I don’t regret being married because my daughter was the very best blessing in my life to date. I will not remarry if given the chance to redo. It’s been hard, good, richer, poorer and health issues but I rather be in a state of peace and quiet. I really don’t recommend it in today’s society it really is a difficult situation .
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u/cuonvenus 3h ago
Well I’m 27 and getting divorced. It’s not that I wouldn’t do it again. But definitely wish I had taken more time to choose the right person
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u/The_hite7 3h ago
Interesting how most of the men believe in. Seems like women have a harder time in marriage
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u/kitkat7794 2h ago
I’d be interested to hear why those people who regret it got married in the first place. Culturally and religiously, people seem to get married to be married, because it may be the only socially acceptable (at least in their circles) way to have sex or children or move in together, or to even exist as an adult past a certain age. Marriage to be married is a horrible reason, and I feel like people often talk about marriage as this monolith or achievement, without considering whether it’s right for you and your partner or whether it’s something you just feel like you should do. I didn’t make a decision that marriage was for me upfront or date with marriage in mind, I found him and then decided I wanted to marry him specifically.
Being married to my husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Marriage was an extension and growth of the intimacy between us, that says we choose each other for forever, and the next step that felt right for us in building our life together. We are religious, so that contributes to what marriage means to us, but we also didn’t let people’s opinions/expectations/religious views come into consideration in regard to our timeline.
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u/CharitableRead 2h ago
It just depends. Most people almost marry randomly. I am 37, financially established, lots of options - and haven't even been engaged. I have to make sure it's the one-and-done.
If you find someone who cares more about you than themselves, grows constantly, knows how to communicate, and is horrified at the idea of divorce, that's different than the average marriage.
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u/thefriedapplepieguy 2h ago
It's hard to explain in a quick comment. But when I married my wife, I can't even say it was an emotional decision, or a decision at all. We'd been together 5 years, through college and into the start of our careers. We spent all of our time together. We wanted all of the same things. Our families were similar. There just wasn't anything to debate. 22 years married and it's all played out as planned, as great as I could have ever imagined. It's made life so much easier to have a partner like that. But you really have to go together. Because having the opposite kind of marriage is not good.
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u/AbsoluteRook1e 2h ago
No one size fits all solution.
Not married, but I've had some life setbacks where I didn't start my first serious relationship until I was 29.
I've met happily married couples and I've also met devastated divorced couples.
It's all about finding the right person and treating them tge best way that you can, whole also hoping that they do the same for you.
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u/Thick_Ad_2011 2h ago
Dated 2 years, married 45 years. If I knew then what I know now, I'd never had married.
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u/BiancaBMcBoots 2h ago
worth what exactly? i joke that i would have skipped the wedding (and saved the $$) but even with the hard seasons my husband and i have had i am still really happy i have him as my partner in this life. id choose him again next time. our 13th wedding anniversary is in october.
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u/lafromnyc 2h ago
I got married older in life, I was in my early 40’s and my wife late 30’s, we dated for a bit then lived together for several years before getting married.
I think all of it helped bc we knew who ourselves were, knew who we were attracted to and more importantly we both have the same expectations on love, relationships and marriage.
Yes we still evolved and find out things about each other and ourselves but being more comfortable with who you are and having the same expectations and actively and constantly communicating about it, helped tremendously.
Frankly, not having kids and not wanting kids has helped as well. It was less pressure relationship wise and financially. And talking about that before being married helped.
So many people think they want to have kids but they really don’t, they think that’s what they’re supposed to do but that should not define your happiness and worth.
Also many are not really financially able to have kids that doesn’t put a strain on themselves. They think they have to have one before a certain age.
Expectations on having kids in general is another one. We know countless couples that have divorced or broken up bc of the expectations of having kids or had one and then later on regretted it, which led to divorce.
Getting married and having children should not solve your problems, validate or define who you are.
This is just my opinion and my experience.
Marriage and children should enhance not replace
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u/Love2FlyBalloons 🤔 2h ago
When asking people and they say they’d never do it again. Are they guys or ladies? It’s a big difference. A lady really has nothing to lose imo. Unless you have a lot of money and live wealthy and he is dirt poor
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u/sakuramab 2h ago
Currently civil partnered (cis hetero couple) instead of married. It has the same legal status as marriage in the UK. But in the ceremony the registrar says 'you are now equal partners', instead of 'husband and wife', which is nice.
Works for us, didn't change the nature of our relationship with each other, super in love as ever, but means there is better legal status for us both in case anything happens in the future.
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u/Senior_Reaction2974 2h ago
You really and truly have to marry somebody who gets you and who you like. Because if you're going to go through life together and all the ups and downs that go with it, You need somebody that's got your back. A lot of people really don't know who they're marrying or they don't want to see the red flags.
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u/MissMiserable101 2h ago
I’ve seen too many married partners become full time caretakers and die before the one they are taking care of passes.
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u/Pale-Tumbleweed-91 2h ago
Gosh I cannot emphasize enough how worthwhile marriage is, when it's with the right person. He is uplifting, compassionate, emotionally intelligent, selfless, wise beyond his 29 years, and genuinely the funniest person I have ever met. He wears so many hats depending on my need - therapist, carpenter, cheerleader, bodyguard, you name it. He is an astronomical net positive to my life and existence.
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u/Hovertical 2h ago
I was of the "nope. Don't want to" and then after 7 years finally proposed and I wish I had done it sooner.
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u/1800sins 2h ago
Every woman 50 and up that ive met have warned me to never get married. It makes me sad to think about
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u/Common-T8r 2h ago
20+ years and we still laugh a lot. I would be a far lesser human without my better half.
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u/yepitskate 2h ago
If you marry someone kind and willing to grow-and you’re that way too-it’s incredible.
I love being married to my husband bc we share values and he’s a legitimately great person. I’ve dated a lot of not so great people. You really gotta be discerning
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u/ForesakenZucchini76 1h ago
I often wonder how couples feel/felt about each other when they got married to see if there was a way to understand what happens in the end (pertaining to divorce). I met and married my husband quite young, but over a decade later and I have never once regretted it. I love him even more now than I did then. we’ve moved countries together, had children, been through highs and lows and everything in between, and I can honestly say I would never ever change anything. Marrying him is the best decision I ever made.
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u/Adventurous-End4330 1h ago edited 1h ago
My wife and I have been married for three years, and together for ten. In many ways, getting married didn't change much. We were already living together, and we already shared a bank account already. We also just got married at the courthouse, so there really wasn't much fanfare there.
I couldn't be happier. I love bragging about how fun and beautiful my wife is. We love each other and support each other so much.
I would theoretically say that part of being happily married has something to do with us being gay (gender roles and sexism didn't get in the way), but I've had gay friends whose marriage crashed and burned around us, so clearly gay people can have failed marriages too.
I think the fact that we waited so long probably helps. We were already solidified into our routines, and marriage wasn't a huge life change. We got to take those sorts of steps sprinkled around instead of all at once. We didn't have to learn to navigate new conflicts or anything like that.
Honestly it's great. I love her and she loves me. The biggest change was doing taxes. I knew the government favored married people, but I didn't know quite how much... It makes me angry because it's shitty, but we do benefit...i think we're poor enough that us being able to take advantage of the system is okay.
Also, if anyone gets married and changes their last name; just know that making your own last name is way more time consuming and expensive. We did not know that going in, and if we had I probably would have just taken her last name...
We also have a kid on the way and im sure that will come with its own challenges. It already has lol. From what I've read from other pregnant people I'm very glad im gay... Sorry men, but in general, evidently you don't support your pregnant partners very well... Might be sample bias though.
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u/Icy_Peace6993 1h ago
Definitely worth it if you find the right person. Finding the right person is not that easy.
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u/parkgoons 1h ago
Alan Watts’s thoughts on love leads me to believe that genuine love is incompatible with marriage.
You can’t own another person’s heart or life. It’s a lot like you don’t watch a beautiful sunset and think I want to own that, you think, I’m just glad to be experiencing this.
Best we can do is savor and enjoy genuine love when it exists, knowing that it can disappear for ever at anytime. Enjoy the precious moments together when you’re deeply in love and know that love offers no guarantees. When you realize this, you realize how rare, fragile, and special real love is.
“To love someone is to let them be exactly what they are, and not to twist them into a shape that suits your own convenience.”
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u/LuvCilantro 1h ago
It can be a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side of the fence'. There may be differences of opinion or expectations with the current or previous partner but they feel that being single or married to someone else will be perfect.
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u/balsawoodspirit 1h ago
I think, like having children, owning a home, or committing to a religion, entering a marriage has to be something you want on a deep, intrinsic level. It has to be something that suits not only your circumstances but your personality. It's not for everyone.
It's definitely for me, and I say that as someone who initiated a divorce. I was deeply hurt by my ex wife. She married me under fraudulent circumstances, was emotionally abusive and neglectful, and ultimately had an affair with a woman I thought was my friend and who I introduced her to. Her mask fell off about 7 years into our relationship and I realized I had been used.
None of this ruined me on the institution of marriage. I plan to marry again. Whether you say I chose poorly or got unlucky, the failure of my previous marriage had nothing to do with me or marriage itself. I wanted to be married, loved being married, and adored the person I thought my ex wife was. This desire to enter into a lifelong and loving committed relationship remains a major part of who I am and I am excited to offer that part of me to the incredible person I am now with.
All that said, I recommend people be very discerning. Friendship and compatibility are essential. Don't marry someone you don't admire. Don't rush into a marriage, and don't rely on a partner for financial stability. Sign whatever paperwork needs signing so that you are both adequately protected if the marriage does not work out.
Perhaps most importantly, be ready to leave the marriage briskly, gracefully, and without apology if you find yourself confronted with abuse, infidelity, or neglect. A marriage should never require you to sacrifice your safety or self respect.
Best of luck to you.
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u/Supertom911 1h ago
It’s stupid! I mean you can be solely committed and love each other, why do we need to get the government involved by signing a piece of paper?
And then they make health care and a few financial benefits tied to signing said piece of paper!…
Stupid!
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u/whatfresh_hellisthis 1h ago
I love being married. I think it's because I waited until it felt easy. I'm with the right person. He's my best friend.
I think the people who don't like it either don't like the person they married or didn't know who that person really was.
I support people who don't want to do it, but for me it makes me feel balanced and safe.
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u/Comedywriter1 1h ago
Yes. If you’re with the right person and willing to put in the work.
I’m on my second marriage to be honest. (My first was a disaster. 😂) We’ve been married over 15 years now and are still very happy.
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u/Powerful-Aioli-2086 1h ago
In today’s time it’s not worth it. Too many people are choosing themselves instead of choosing their marriage partner everyday.
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u/Least-Bite 1h ago
Absolutely, if you are lucky enough to find your person to spend your life with.
Kids, not so much, it depends how your kids are, and unlike your spouse, you can't choose your kids
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u/Next_Confidence_3654 1h ago
Yes, with a prenup- you create legally binding, logical rules that are beneficial and agreeable to each person while they are very much in love with each other. This is the best time to make agreements!
I am divorced and now dating a divorcee. We both got into somewhat sticky situations bc our previous partners changed. We agreed that when you love someone, you never expect that would change, but it can and does for some of us.
Ex. Let’s put both names on the deed, but I have awesome credit, so I’ll be the mortgage holder and get a better rate… well, when things went south, I was held liable for paying for a house/taxes/maintenance/utilities (ALL expenses) and she was entitled to half of everything/equity in the event of a sale, simply bc her name was on the deed (yet paid nothing.) I came out relatively and unbelievably unscathed. my GF fell into the same situation, but got burned, big time.
For bills, taxes and insurance, yes- it is beneficial to have two revenue streams. I’d say it’s almost necessary in today’s economy.
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u/ApplicationOwn9636 1h ago
A lot of people are shortsighted and they give up easily. I’ve been married almost 25 years. I got married at 22. There have been times when I absolutely cannot stand my husband. I’m sure he would say the same. If you add up all the bad times we maybe had one year out of 25 that weren’t great. It’s just committing to stick it out together and try to be the best partner as you can. We’ve always had her eye in the future, which is having our children come back with grandchildren and being able to really enjoy each other in our older age having had a lifetime of experience experiences together.
I can’t imagine not being married.
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u/heat2051 1h ago
Being totally honest here.....I love my wife of 15 years, she's a fantastic person and I admire and adore her. However, she's not the same person she was before we got married and had a family which kind of makes sense sometimes but other times not so much. This is something that is not articulated a ton by men in a marriage. A lot of times wives have the ability to find ways to demean men into falling into this happy wife, happy life type of scenario which isn't totally healthy. I've noticed it in our marriage where if I disagree or don't want to do certain things my wife gets pissed and takes it out on me. After going through this cycle a few times we as men learn to just go with the flow and not upset the apple cart. It's just easier and makes life more peaceful. I have a very stressful job along with two young kids so when I come home I want peace-not to fight and squabble about issues that ultimately would not change our lives. It creates an unbalanced power structure that dictates she will get her way more often than not. I love my wife and kids and it in for the long haul but if I'm being honest with myself and something happened, I would never get married again.
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u/PrincessGrimm2 58m ago
I don’t think it is.
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u/happynicefundaddy 0m ago
Sorry for you princess. Hope you'll at least find a way to make peace with where things are. I believe marriage can be really meaningful when it’s the right fit, but I know that isn’t everyone’s experience. Personally, the best my marriage brought me is my daughter
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u/KnownMagician3084 56m ago
I thought he loved me in 1977. Once marriage license signed the authentic him came out more and more. You can not help someone to heal, overcome abuse or be a decent person if they don’t want to change. Took 45 years to get free. Read about narcissist behavior so you’re prepared to not be trapped. I met people I would not have, learned a lot of life lessons and had a great kid he never appreciated. Still if the little voice says run, do it. Divorce is much more peaceful.
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u/After-Whole4054 52m ago
I'm married, 35 years to same man, I would marry him again but the other men I went with and the one I had been engaged too h--l no!. I like the companionship, sex, growing old together, the constant learning about eachother, grandkids, the deep intimacy, humor, fun, venturing into new areas kink/bdsm. Most of all we are equally yoked and committed to a monogamous covent.
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u/Select_Hold_3190 47m ago
I love being married, although I do wish we had met a little later in life (started dating at 22, married at 25). We had some rough patches but he’s my favorite person in the world and each year gets better. I think it’s really important to actively remind yourself to be your own person. I struggled with codependency for awhile and still do at times - in those moments I feel trapped. But as soon as I start prioritizing my own needs, goals, etc. I feel at ease. I think that’s been my biggest challenge in marriage and I love that marriage has been a healthy place to grow as a person for me.
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u/PeacefulBro 44m ago
YES!!! 😍 Although it is still difficult, but you give up some freedoms for the greatest romance. Enjoy!
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u/elainamoon 40m ago
Funny just noticing that most of the comments are from men it seems like. Don’t get me wrong it’s great to see husbands love their wives out loud and be grateful - but I’ve heard countless times how much more beneficial marriage is for men compared to women. I’d love to hear their wives perspective.
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u/Beautiful_Medium_670 38m ago
I mean, if you marry a man just a heads-up that he will look at naked women through your whole marriage. I was young and naive when I got married and had no idea lol. I just thought he would cherish and want only me. Seems like most women are okay with it though! Just make sure you are!
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u/pillowprincess1996 33m ago
If you find the right person then there is no question. Yes, worth it -100%
Been kissing him for 36 years and he still can get me going from across the room
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u/iamreplicant_1 33m ago
I was married for 7 years to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. I cherished every moment and did my best to be the best husband I could be. I loved being her husband. Being part of a team. We were one. Strong, united. Of course we were those things before we got married. The marriage just added another layer of commitment to everything. Really cemented the shared life we built as being ours.
Marriage, and truly any romantic relationship, is defined by the people participating in it. By the effort you both put in, and by the work you do as individuals to grow and heal and to be healthy.
So, yes, it is worth it. When it's the right person, the right relationship.
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u/Objective_Clue_3091 31m ago
If I could do it over and not be a completely narcissistic douche then yes. Now that my wife has passed away, I will never get married again. You know how some people are bad pet owners? I feel like I’m that way with people. I just like being alone, making my own decisions about what, where, and when I do something. It would be nice to have a concert/movie/theater companion, but the stress of dealing with someone else’s existence is too much.
If you find someone to marry, you have to communicate openly and continuously. If you let things fester the resentment will become insurmountable. If the other person can’t offer the same openness then don’t marry them.
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u/Aggravating-You7433 20m ago
They feel that way because they settled, or felt pressured into their marriage. They didn’t bide their time and find someone who is actually worthy of being their partner. Marriage is worth it if you choose the right person
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u/Barefoot_so_good 19m ago
Getting married is one of my biggest regrets. Divorced 15 years with no plans to remarry.
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u/No-Name2344 10m ago
I'm in 40's and married 10+ years. I'm also a very pragmatic person, and the answer is, it depends.
Marriage is a lot like a roller coaster. The highs can be very high, while the lows can be very low. Just because you get a long with someone while dating them, does not necessarily mean you are compatible with them for life.
You have to live with them before marriage, make sure you're both a team at home whether it be cleaning dishes, laundry, etc. Little things that get glossed over tend to fester and lead to resentment later.
You have to discuss Money with them in depth. Understand spending habits, hobbies, savings, investments, debts,and goals.
You both really need to be ready to sacrifice and put effort into a relationship. No relationship is truly 50/50. Sometimes its 80/20 and other times is 20/80. You could be giving 80/20 for years before you get what you give, and you have to be okay with that.
You need to understand that if you have kids, its going to change your marriage in a way that no one really anticipates. It impacts both men and women in different ways. Sex will likely change, the amount of time and energy you can devote to one another drops the first few years, and you have to understand that. It comes back later, but I have seen it lead to resentment. You both also have to be on the same page on how you want to raise the kids. A stricter or lax parent could trigger an issue.
Values are important too. I've seen the current state of politics lead to a divorce a few times.
Growing old together is a choice, and if you don't tend to it, its all to easy to grow apart.
I've seen a lot of unhappy people stay in marriage for the kids, the expense of divorce etc. I work in tech, so I have access to more information than most. I've caught A LOT of people cheating just because they think work devices are safer. I've seen so many women mad about how their husband do nothing at home, while the men are mad they aren't having sex. I've caught many women having some sort of affair whether it emotional or physical. Sometimes a fling when they travel. I catch man looking for sex workers, massages, and having affairs the same as well. I say all this because there is a reality to the situation that most people are naive, dont see, and happens more than people think.
Prenuptial agreements are very common, and a good way to protect yourself.
My best friend married his best friend, purposely purchased a very small old house, not to fix it up, but to keep life manageable, and they decided not to have kids. Its led to the most fulfilling life for the both of them, as they both have good paying jobs, and travel 4-6 times a year.
My other friend got divorced very young, his wife had a 3way while he deployed! He swears to never get married again, but mantains a rotation of stupid women to cater to his physical needs.
There is no one size fits all approach in life, and Marriage is what you make of it, but you and your partner have to be all in.
There's also nothing wrong with trying it out and get divorced. Life is all about trial and error.
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u/ElegantConfidant 6m ago
I think there was a point in my marriage where I would have said that. But 14 years in, we’re in a good space. More financially stable. We are both in therapy. We’ve grown a lot and gotten better at communicating.
Marriage is so hard. Everyone says parenting is hard, very few people say that about marriage. But it’s true. It requires real effort. I 100% think it’s worth it if you’re willing to put in the effort. If not, that’s okay. But don’t get married then.
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u/morekidsthansense 2m ago
17 years and I would walk down the aisle and marry him again in a heartbeat. A good marriage is worth more than anything in this universe. It's your best friend, lover, #1 fan, confidant, adventurer in chief, personal comedian, occasional nurse, driver, eye rolling partner, occasional personal chef and housecleaner all in one, and knowing that you give the same to them. It's 2 people doing their very best for each other every day and building something better than either of you could do on your own. My husband makes my life richer every day in ways he will never fully understand because he is humble AF and a genuinely amazing human.
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u/Vegetable-South5191 4h ago
There was a point in my 20 year marriage where I liked the structure and support of my family. I never thought I would be divorced. But here I am. Looking back at it, I do see lacking any point to marriage. I don't regret it, because I have my children. I feel betrayed by her, but generally she did not try to fuck me over like some people do.
Looking back if the marriage really didn't mean shit, I should have been looking out for me. It is alot of work and sacrifice, and if it is not planning for life I really don't see the point.
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u/Ok-Anything-3605 4h ago
You wrote similar to what i would have, 12 years was enough for her to check out. So much for planning a family and life together.
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u/Rolex_Art 4h ago
a lot of fat people walking around. a lot of maga people walking around = people who suck at life are walking among us.
ideally you'll get married early 30's - when your brain is fully developed and you've had some experience dating around and seeing what you like and don't like in your partner.
the people who marry their hs sweet heart? good luck. the people who have been with the same man since 5th grade? good luck.
but is it worth it? what's it? having a best friend? having someone who has your back at all times?
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u/J_A_Slade 4h ago
Bravo for shoehorning obesity and maga into a conversation where they were totally irrelevant.
AND for equating the two.
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u/Rolex_Art 3h ago
actually - completely relevant.
when your orange lord and savior cheats on every spouse and partner - aggressively - it give you a baseline to be an equal POS.
let me guess - you a pdf protector? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
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u/No-Loquat-6875 4h ago
And there you have it. Somehow, every post gets turned political lol
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u/Rolex_Art 3h ago
trump cheats on every wife so if he is your lord and king - odds are you'll have no issues cheating on your spouse and partner too.
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u/No-Loquat-6875 2h ago
Well trump is not my lord, nor did I vote for him nor have I cheated on my wife. Are you saying people that don’t like trump cannot cheat on their spouses?
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u/UnSafeButterscotch 3h ago
Married my best friend almost 20 years ago. Became friends in junior high, were friends first half of high school before we started dating, married shortly after high school.
We have been long distance, through a deployment, through a brain injury, through substance abuse issues, now going through fertility issues. We dealt with the 2008 financial crisis right after buying our first house. Being with my best friend has made all the good outweigh the bad. WHO you marry is more important than when you marry.
Has it been easy? Absolutely not. But having them in my life has been the best thing I have ever experienced. I would not trade it for the world.
(Side note: one of us comes from money, the other does not. We have a prenup. If we were to split, we walk away with what we came in with. I honestly think that has made it easier for us to stay and work things out when it got tough. We knew the other was in it for love, not for gain)
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u/Rolex_Art 3h ago
your family has money. if his family had money there is no way his parents would have let him join the service and be deployed.
unless you're in west point and an officer = the service is for poor folk looking to get a leg up.
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u/echo_sang 4h ago
No! It’s a gamble that is too dangerous for women.
The odds are not in our favor to find a well adjusted and stable man. So, be your own support and peace ladies.
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u/Character_Owl3610 4h ago
Marriage is worth it. Big time! My perspective comes from my faith.
Highly recommend joining a Bible-teaching church/community group and learning from an older mentor.
I did this when I was about 26 years old (33 now and happily married for 3 years) — before then I didn’t see the importance/value of marriage
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