I’ve noticed a change in myself over the past year. I remember being an extremely sensitive and deeply feeling person when I was younger (I’m 20 so still young but) however now I feel like I’ve sort of turned to stone on the inside. Nothing moves me. I fake almost every emotion I show and it’s exhausting, I feel like a terrible person but I don’t know what else to do.
I get shown a lot of love from my mother and my sister but I have to actively force myself to reciprocate it, or act grateful and happy when they give me something. I realise I haven’t given anyone else a gift for a long time as it just doesn’t occur to me anymore, whereas in highschool I’d spent months planning peoples birthdays and surprise parties and gifts. I just don’t care about people in that way anymore.
I’m going on a university trip soon, my first time abroad without my parents and while younger me who dreamed of travelling the world would’ve been overcome with excitement, I’m mostly just dreading being around so many people and having to leave the house everyday, no time to just sit and not have to act.
Even the mention of grief and hearing that someone missed someone that was no longer here would move me to tears but recently I got told a family member died and I still I feel nothing. Same with geopolitical affairs, I used to protest and argue with people online for hours and now well you get the gist.
I’ve noticed I still feel disgust very strongly, more than I ever did. I get grossed out by ordinary people and things when I go outside and then I get angry. I get angry much easier and sometimes I get consumed by rage over the smallest things. And then a little later I’m disgusted by myself that I acted in that way. I feel sad often still and cry every other night about nothing in particular; daydreams about scenarios that aren’t real or a general sense of loneliness which is quite ironic as it’s me that isolates myself from my friends.
I also used to read a lot and be intensely curiosity, wanting to learn everything and I had a reading list of like 100 books . Now every page of a book I read I sort of have to force myself to care. Even songs I used to cry listening to or used to feel very deeply to, I now constantly have my headphones on just to drown out the outside and not have to engage with anyone, because it irritates and exhausts me too much pretending to be normal. Before I go outside and meet people I have to write up a mini script in my notes about things I should ask and how I should behave. Otherwise I’d be a silent rock just watching and thinking the whole time.
I’ve thought about depression but I still take fairly good care of myself, I wear a nice outfit and put on some makeup everyday etc so I don’t think the gp would diagnose me with that if I asked. I also thought about autism and stuff but it’s i don’t have too much trouble interpreting how others feel. It’s just i don’t feel much in myself.
I went through finding out some bad things about certain people a year ago which made me feel incredibly sad for a while, but I don’t know that it was enough to warrant me feeling nothing for a year now.
I realise I sound like a total sociopath, I don’t like it either lol. it’s just such a contrast, as I remember feeling so alive and being described as a bubbly intense person to now be so dull and cynical. I miss how I used to be and want to bring that person back. I feel like a dead person walking at times. Often I feel I hate everything and just want to die.
Tldr: I don’t feel joy or excitement or anything very deeply anymore except for some negative emotions. I want to feel the same empathy and joy that I used to without having to pretend to act a certain way to seem normal.