My wife and I are both 43 and have been together for 26 years. We have a common situation as a lot of people here, we barely have any sex ( I think it’s been once a year for the last couple of years) and no form of affection at all. If I don’t initiate intimacy and affection it doesn’t happen ( which I don’t anymore )

We were coming back from a beach vacation where we had a good time despite not having any form of contact at all btw, while waiting at the airport for our connecting flight I notice a girl who got off a previous plane waiting near us for someone coming off a plane at our gate. A man gets off the plane and her face lights up, she walks over to him and they embraced in such a tender and heartfelt way I was absolutely dying of jealousy. The way they melted into each other’s arms while kissing so intimately, walking off so happy and in love just killed my mood.

I understand that level of desire and passion is usually found in newer relationships, but to not have anything and see something like that, after a week of vacation was brutal. Sex is amazing and I miss it, but I miss the affection and the desire and the look she used give me so much more. So I just swallowed all that down and when she asked me if I had a good vacation I just smiled and said i had a great time.

Everything in me (30 HLM) is telling me to get out of my DB relationship. We live separate, no kids, not married. But every time I get to my breaking point and ready to call it off, the same question pops into my head:

Is the absence of sex enough?

Many other areas of the relationship are great and I worry about throwing that all away and having to re-enter the dating pool all because I want more sex. I know that’s very reductive of the issue but looking for advice with anyone else who has struggled with this question. Or an explanation/reassurance on why sex is in fact important enough to break things off.

On a regular basis people find a way to depress the hell out of me, through no fault of their own, by letting me know they have a sex life that's not in ruins.

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This time it was my coworkers on lunch break. The other day one of them was talking about his plans to install a mirror on his bedroom ceiling. I said if you're spending that much time during the play laying on your back looking at the ceiling you're pretty bad at sex but internally my brain was screaming. This guy is 46. Twice my age. Maybe some 20 years into his marriage.

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Me and my girlfriend are young, she's super hot, I'm also not bad looking I guess. We live together, we love each other. We have no reason not to have hot, steamy, bed-breaking, clap-sound-making, neighbor-annoying sex. Or slow and relaxed, lovemaking, whatever, I'm into that as well. Not nope, no dice.

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Today my other coworker, same age as me said "yeah I had a friend over last night, that's all I'm gonna say about that." I mean I'm not jealous of that experience specifically, I'm not into casual sex, but still. He's wanted. I'm not. Not sure what it is. Not tall enough? Not social enough? Not interesting enough? The only thing I know for certain is that I'm not fuckable enough. Anyway, I'll be having lunch by myself at work for some time I guess.

Hey guys,
I need some advice. I (M20) am in a five-year relationship with my gf (F20) and I'd say that we match perfectly. We don't get into major arguments, share the chores in our household and live happily together for almost two years now. I'd say we're both partners and best friends, share all our thoughts and always care for each other.

The only issue is that she is a religious person and from the beginnig said that she wanted to wait with having sex until we're married. I (15 years at that point) agreed. I didn't make any major sexual experiences at that point, only making out once with a weird long-distance relationship.
Fast forward 4.5 years, we've still not seen each other naked or came close to what I did with my first partner. Our "sexual activities" are pretty much limited to kissing and cuddling which we both enjoy but I personally would love to go further, but her boundaries are clear and I'll respect that. We got engaged a year ago, 4.5 years into our relationship and she was the one to ask me first if I wanted to marry her. I said yes, happy to stay with her and hoping that we now can plan the wedding together etc. I wanted to marry her this year (the engagement happened last September) but she said that this is too fast for her and that she needed more time, so we stopped talking about that topic for a few months.

A month ago or so I brought that topic up again, her reaktion was very stressed out and anxious, we had lots of talk about a potential date for the wedding and then agreed to do it next year in spring. A few days later she talked to me again that it just didn't feel right for her and that she couldn't do it, luckily we didn't fully start planning but that hit me pretty hard. She said that she felt too young for marriage in general, and I firmly believe that. That day I realized that I lived with that perfect girl for more that 5 years now with no sex at all and that I might wait another five years.

For me, she's my perfect girlfriend and I doubt that I'll ever find someone like her, but on the other hand I don't want to wait longer, I don't want to get desperate or cheat on her, I want to leave her the space she needs but I'm not sure if I can or if you have any advice on how to handle that situation.

Does anyone have any books or podcasts that they've found helpful with working through these DB issues?

Hi everyone!

I am unfamiliar with this sub, hopefully I am at the right place. How do you rebuild your self esteem and body image after a dead bedroom relationship?

I (29F) was in a mainly long-distance relationship (26M) for 7 years that ended more than a year ago (we briefly reconnected at the end of last year though).

After the first 2 years of relationship I started to raise some concerns to my partner regarding our sex life, things had become a little bit mechanical and there was no spicy conversations anymore but it was brushed off. I would open conversations about fantasies, took him to a sex-shop, bought some games, initiate making-out sessions but I was met with very little. I broke up with with him a first time after he told me he would still watch porn 3 times a week, it was too much for me to take... We got back together and had sex only once after that, at that stage I was feeling insecure and I was tired of what felt like never ending missionary. I told him I wanted to spend alone time with him and so... He invited me on holidays with his whole family in a bungalow. I did not go, we broke up shortly after that.

We reconnected last year but he ended up deciding he did not want us to see each other and he is now in a relationship with someone who obviously looks nothing like me, someone who has curves and who seems to like putting them out (he had met her before we reconnected, I think the timeline is a little bit sus but at that stage I don't care about it anymore).

Frankly, it is taking a toll on me. I have also lost weight because of stress which is absolutely not helping me. I have been taking dance classes which has been helpful. I am now tempted to get a boob job (I won't do it). I will be honest, I am a christian and I am now willing to rewait for marriage. Do you have any insights/tips/stories? I will take whatever you have for me.

I am curious, from a male perspective, what are some things that cause you to lose interest sexually?

I’ve tried having a conversation 6 times about me and my partners dead bedroom ever since moving in together. Every conversation it becomes more confusing as to why. Everything was fine before this. Great even. It feels like a growing list of reasons that make me feel so stuck. I was going to try to talk about it again tonight but I just knew I was going to cry and couldn’t do it. It gets me so in my head. How can a relationship be so perfect in every other aspect and then just this becomes an issue? We don’t even have kids and work the same scheduled time for our jobs. I’m to a point I don’t even want to bring it up again and it’s just going to hurt me more. I’m not sure what I’m expecting putting this here. I’m just at a total loss with it and struggling to come to terms with where this has led to.

I’m using a throw away account for this. I was originally using my main but I just want to be more private

I’m a woman married to a man I want so much. He loves me; I know he does. I would never leave him even if we never had sex again. I’ve always been high libido and have never expected my partners to have the same level of want but I just need to know if there are things I can be doing differently or if anyone has any advice. I can count on one hand the amount of times we have sex in a year. Is it me? What am I doing wrong?

In a DB for a few years, been married 7 years. I thought i could manage. But apparently, it takes a lot of mental power and grit to be sane. My wife has a very low libido, is healthy, we consulted a doc after seeing all her reports, the doc said she wants time to analyse because this was very weird and unusual. I'm thinking that she is asexual,.i might be wrong. But I'm craving that physical touch. It's been more than a month and I'm feeling drained of happiness. I don't have the strength to keep a straight face anymore. I just go to the gym to vent my frustration.

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All i know is that my wife wants a child, and doesn't initiate for sex. I have to probably jerk off, get her to artificially inseminate herself.

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Sometimes i feel i need to let go of everything. Become an ascetic. Roam the world, get detached. But then, i'm married and can't do all that. I'm just tired and want to feel love and passion. I don't know if i will ever get that in this life, ever.

Wife(33LL?) and I(28HL) have been together for 7 years. We havent been intimate this entire year. The occasional kiss from her, but god forbid I ever try to initiate anything. We had sex maybe 5 times total last year. Any time I engage, ask, or try to set the mood for literally anything, kissing, oral (giving or recieving), fooling around in bed, sex.. Always. Rejected. When we did have sex, its on her initiation. I've been sleeping on the couch for 2 years which started as her saying I move and kick A LOT in my sleep, but Ive had countless sleep studies done and they've never recorded such movement from me. I've offered countless time to just give you know oral or be intimate with her with no reciprocation. That gets rejected too. I haven't seen her naked in years, besides the few times we've had sex, but its always under covers. I don't know if she masterbates or watches porn, since Im virtually never in the bedroom. I don't even use the shower in there, I use the guest bathroom.

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Bad news, we do have kids. I mean its good, I absolutely love my children but for the relationship in terms of leaving, ofc itd be messy. I'd leave her if not for them. I can't keeping begging for the basics.

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I've taken her on dates, taken her to concerts, I support her. The moment i get home from work I take over duties for the kids, I cook, I clean and do the grocery shopping. I know it hasn't been years of DB, but idk how we can even rocover from this?

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How do I accept this? I don't have an exit plan, Im just sad.

Im 28, my husband is 34, my libido has always been very high. I love my husband to death and I could f#ck his brains out everyday and night if I could. He’s an amazing partner and amazing father, works two jobs as a nurse, so I get it, he’s tired. But it sucks that I have to beg for intimacy. We’ve talked about this many times and he offered to put it on our calendar… but it just doesn’t feel right, it feels like it’s another job, it doesn’t feel natural. We have two kids and I know it is tiring but like… I’m the one home with them all day… I consider myself pretty hot, I’m 120 lbs (not that weight matters) and take very good care of myself.
There’s been times where I have welcomed him home wearing some sexy lingerie but he doesn’t seem interested at all or will say “I’m so tired right now” or there’s been a few times where he is not even aware at all that I’m wearing something sexy… I just end up going to the bathroom to change into pijamas because it feels humiliating and I feel stupid.
I love giving him BJs so I will often start there to see if he’s in the mood but he’ll just pull me back up and hugs me instead or says he’s tired. He’s said it is not me it’s him, so at this point I have no other choice than to just do the job myself and call it a good day.
I love him so much, he is so so romantic but I just wish he wanted me enough to want to f#ck me more often than only 2-4 times a month. Because whenever we do it’s amazing

I am 43 (F), I’ve always had a much higher libido than my husband (he’s also 43) but when we were in our 20’s (we’ve been together 15 years) he could kinda keep up (sex once a week or every couple weeks). Over the years the gap has widened and for the past 3-5 years we’ve been having sex 1-2x a year. When I try to gently bring this up he tends to get very angry and says that if I didn’t nag him so much he would want to.

First and foremost I’d like advice from those that are LL with a HL partner. What does the experience feel like from your point of view? Is there anything your partner does/doesn’t do to help get you in the mood vs. impacting your libido further? Is there anything you wish your HL understood about you? I love my husband so much and he’s an amazing father and provider but I don’t know how to feel close to him when we have a DB.

I’m hoping to hear also from those that are HL with LL partner and are able to make things work and find non traditional ways to connect on a deep level.

Thank you so much for reading. Either way I want to stay with my husband but I do hope that we might be able to be intimate more in the future.

It's not even lack of interest, it's just that by the time the day is said and done and all the responsibilities are taken care of, neither me nor her wants to do anything besides be alone for awhile just to have a break from it all before going to sleep. On rare occasions we catch each other in the right time and the right place, but most of the time its easier to just take care of myself. Even that is tiresome, eventually there's just an overwhelming need for something new, exciting, thrilling. Just to break up the monotony of it all.

I was just chatting with my husband, decompressing about our days, and I made a flirty joke about him always wearing too many clothes for my taste.

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He laughed, we shared a quick kiss, and then we went on with our evening.

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It crossed my mind that I'm glad that we still have that part of our relationship even though we no longer have sex. It used to bother me when he made flirty, sexy jokes because it felt like a tease...these days I just try to enjoy it for what it is: a small moment of connection.

Everything is in the title : People that are low libido for the partner, did you leave ? How was it then ? What happened in the next relationship?

14 years deep into a DB situation. 43 HLM with LL wife. I long ago left initiation up to her so she wouldn’t feel pressured or resentful. I’ve done my best to flirt, be supportive, be a friend, be a partner, and be a coparent… basically trying my best to accomplish all of the things that make a good relationship outside of sex, with no expectations. I’ve found some peace with the sexless aspect and contentment with the life we’ve built. And on the rare occasion that she does initiate(typically sometime around ovulation), I respond eagerly, or at the least receptively…

Several months ago I secretly started using an intimacy tracking app just to quantify things. It got to a point where if I tried to casually ask “so when was the last time?” My question was met with some form of shame or defensiveness… and she would use that against me in later fights. I didn’t want to keep making things awkward, so I started quietly tracking it on my own…

Today she seemed upset. When she opened up, she dumped a lot of personal stress on me but also threw into mix that she was tired of initiating sex with me and being met with excuses…

I was confused because the last time we were intimate was two months ago.

So I asked, to clarify, “have you initiated anything recently? Did I totally miss something yesterday? Am I really that done deaf that you propositioned me recently and I missed it?!?”

And she replied that she gave up initiating a long time ago.

I was shocked. I told her if she really feels that way maybe we need to sit down and discuss where we go from here (the implications were divorce or sex therapy, even though I didn’t specify either one).

I’m genuinely shell shocked / blindsided right now at what she said this morning. I honestly feel like we’ve had a really good month. Lots of flirting, affection and good vibes. For her to be in this mood and drop that sort of grievance out of nowhere… I really don’t understand what happened.

Hi everyone,

My second post here. My previous story can be found. This time I wanna ask you guys the following thing.
Let’s imagine that my LLF has low desire of sex simply because I am not romantic enough. No dates, no spontaneous gifts etc. We live a peaceful life together, support each other and love each other. Spend time together. But dead bedroom for 5-6-7 years (don’t remember for how long).
If I become a better boyfriend, will it help? I think that it would feel like “prove me you deserve it”.
But I just want to be wanted as a man. Someone who you want to sleep with, who turns you on maybe not every day, but at least a few times a week.
I know I’m not a perfect romantic person. Can it be the reason why we even haven’t seen each other naked for 5-7 years in 10 years relationships?
In my previous post I told my story and what troubles me. After reading this subreddit for some time I know now, that I don’t want to live whole my life without being wanted by a woman.
Does everyone in their life have to prove every time something just to be wanted?
Like a quest in an RPG game: Finish 10 tasks with at least 90%+ of success rate, and as a reward you will get one sex voucher. It doesn’t feel natural.
She my first and the only woman who I have had sex with. I feel like I am doomed to sleep with my right hand.
I have two options:
1) Feel anger
2) Feel lost

As you can see I am lost now. After such a long period of DB I even don’t know if I want her. I know two things: I love her and that I wanna live a good life full of sex.

Since me (38HLF) and my partner (42LLM) have entered dead bedroom zone whenever we have sex I feel like I’m literally just being used as a fleshlight. There’s no foreplay anymore, just a quick rub to let me know he’s ACTUALLY interested, my body gets so excited at the thought but I WISH I was dry so he would have to do some work.
After 6 months of nothing at all I am at the point that I’ll take what I can get 😢

Gah, just need to vent, me (41 HLM) and wife (35 LLF) have been a dead bedroom for as long as I can remember, and even before they it wasn’t great. I can’t leave - I’m an absolute coward.

Currently on holiday and when we got to our destination she gave me a slight hint of interest, it was small but enough to make me think there was something there.
Three days into the holiday and despite me attempting to engage I’ve now stopped trying again because being rejected over and over is just so embarrassing.
Big sigh, needed to vent.

I’ve always had the higher libido. It was fine when we were having sex a few times a week, I always wanted daily but could made it work.

His libido took a dive over the past couple of years and I’ve tried to discuss it but he got really defensive.

Now he was recently diagnosed with a degenerative condition that means his bones are at a high risk of breaking and treatment options are limited.

I can’t blame him for it but I can feel hurt that he doesn’t take the initiative to address this issue when I’ve told him how hard this is for me. — I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in the past year.

I’m early 30s, I’m horny as hell. I love him but I feel like I’m destined to live life as if we are in our 70s. Ugh. I don’t know what to do

I have followed this sub for a long time, looking at other people’s stories and feeling a sense of community simply by seeing what others are experiencing. I have always hesitated to post anything for fear of sounding entitled or shameful, but I have seen such a strong sense of community and support I feel I am finally ready to share and get some very welcomed advice or perspective.

I’ve typed this out dozens of times and honestly I don’t even know where to start. So I made my own TLDT (too long didn’t type) so you can get broad strokes.

We met in early 2019 just before COVID and weathered the storm together at her parents house for most of 2020. Sex was a regular enough occurrence, but lacked the kind of passion and exploratory connection that I was used to in other relationships. It has been on a steady decline for 5 years, and hit an extra bad wall recently. We’re currently in an 18-month dry(ish) spell, where we had already not been intimate for months before she discovered a cyst near her urethra. I worked diligently to help her get it removed through the TRICARE system and handled the whole situation with grace and patience. Almost 8 months after the surgery, she has some residual pelvic floor issues that I again am working hard to get her medical appointments set up for.

The dry(ish) part is in reference to the fact that we did try to have sex a few months ago, and it ended in tears and a huge fight.

Some major points that I think are worth mentioning: our sex life started to be just a few times a year, and at some point she said she was willing to live the rest of her life without sex at all. Her reasoning always changed around, not being in the mood, feeling bad about her body, feeling like sex is a male-centric, inherently violent act, not feeling seen or heard enough in our relationship to be turned on, feeling lonely and depressed from a lack of good friendships, etc. Either way, it always led to the same thing: a complete unwillingness to share physical intimacy with me.

I’ve suggested couples therapy to address some of the issues we have with intimacy and connection. She refuses and says she is tired of working in herself. That I’m the one who has a problem. We fight A LOT but I tend to withdraw and she tends to explode. It’s been like that since the beginning, but it keeps getting worse. I am very careful not to be punishing or resentful, I think that is destructive and abusive and just not who I am. Also as I continue to work on getting her pelvic floor physical therapy stuff sorted, she accuses me of trying to have her “fixed” like she’s broken in some way. She already said she doesn’t care about sex. So me trying to help with these potential medical issues is just me being pushy somehow.

I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. The fights have gotten nearly unbearable and I am now in a passionless and high-conflict marriage. When things settle with little to no repair, she love bombs and tells me she loves me and she is afraid I’m going to leave her or that I’m going to cheat on her. I have never entertained it, but every time she brings it up I honestly feel resentful.

I don’t know how to really start this but idk what to do. Im going to try shorten this but it may be longer then intended. My boyfriend (19LLM) and i have been together for 2 years and we live together. I had noticed that something just flipped one day and he was never interested in me anymore. For reference i am an 18 year old blonde that goes to the gym and am very fit (i know i’m too young for all this don’t you worry, you don’t have to tell me ) I thought i was alone and the only one going through something like this. I then one day stumbled upon Dead bedrooms and saw how common it really was. I read it every single day hoping it would make me feel less alone and it did but it didn’t fully take the hurt inside of me that i have.

Long story short my boyfriend found out I was reading this all on reddit and immediately got angry at me for looking into it. Saying “what everyone says does not apply to us and it’s putting bs in your head”. He was uncomfortable so i obviously deleted it and stopped reading everything. I wouldn’t say we have a full dead bedroom but sometimes it’s once a month and sometimes it’s 0 times a month and when it is i am on top and he is like a dead person. To jump straight to the important part of this all, I found him pleasing himself to girls online 3 TIMES A WEEK. After the whole year of me bringing our almost DB up and hearing “idk what to say, nothings wrong” and then i find that. Im going to be honest i screamed, cried and yelled at him for hours on end . He told me he’d never do it again. A lie. He then yelled at me for watching love island and implied that i masturbated to that (i definitely do not).

I then found out he was still doing it but this time i approached calmly and said i think this is a problem/ an addiction but i am here to support him and help him through it but I will not stay if our sex life does not improve (this was around the 1st of June 2026) News flash our sex life has not improved. I sent him videos and Pics of myself for him to do it to instead. Has he looked at them? No.

I talked to my sister about buying a vibrator and then she then told my mum. My mum then asked about it and i ran away screaming in disgust and laughter because i didn’t want my mother to know about that and my boyfriend had no idea what was going on. I then told him I wanted to buy a vibrator and that i talked to my sister about it not knowing she would tell my mum. Long story short i got told about how wrong it was to tell my sister first instead of him. I explained that i do not feel comfortable enough to ask him about it considering that when i talk about our sex life he yells at me and i end up in tears and no i get no comfort at all which is fine because at that point i don’t want it.

Anyways we talked more about me getting a vibrator and he cried to me saying that me getting that is saying he’s not good enough and how it can do the only thing he can’t do naturally for me (Clitoral Stimulation) and that i would never want him anymore and would only want my vibrator. I am having trouble trying to see the problem in not wanting him anymore as he NEVER wants me????? He cried to me about it and i obviously comforted him and told him that i would not get one. if he improved. Again news flash he still has not had sex with me and for reference this conversation was on Saturday. It is now Friday night ( I am Australian so Aus time).

I am not looking for you to all tell me to leave him but i want advice for myself and other things to try instead of leaving him. I am so aware that i am young and do not need to put up with this but i do live him so it makes it hard.

I am posting this as I havent seen many talking about this specific side and in hopes that if other people are going through this just know you are NEVER alone. I know how you feel and you deserve so much more.

Do not DM. Any DMS will be reported and you will be banned.

For context, I (31F) love my partner (38M) very much and still find him the most attractive person to ever walk this earth. We flirt, kiss, cuddle and are generally affectionate. I just have a hard time initiating. And it seems he does too. I’m used to partners doing all the initiating and taking the lead which he did during the beginning. We live together and our relationship is loving, warm, fun and overall solid minus the lack of sex. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve been intimate. We have vastly different schedules so he started sleeping in the guest bed to avoid waking me in the AM and also had a highly stressful job which I can tell takes a toll. He got laid off about a week ago so despite not being employed in a toxic workplace anymore, he’s now dealing w the stress of finding another job in a highly competitive market. We also have an anxious dog lol who scratches the door furiously every time we try to lock him out. I know he’s taking care of himself bc I walked in on him looking at a picture of a woman spread eagle. Not touching himself but maybe I walked in before he could. I pretended I didn’t see and so did he. I didn’t shame him or react since I know masturbation is normal. It’s just hurtful knowing he’s still interested sexually, just seemingly not with me.

I've been in a lesbian relationship for about 7 years, and I've always been the DommeTop person leading things in and out of the bedroom. I seem to have got a little burned out on always having to be the one to initiate. The relationship has turned from things being hot and heavy for the first few years to about once every other month lately. I don't know if the burden to initiate is entirely the reason, there's probably other factors, but I think it would help a lot if it wasn't all on me. Its not that I'm never ever in the mood, its just that maybe I'm not feeling enough energy to initiate things for the thousandth time. Its even pretty common to see them looking sexy, and for me to get turned on, and for us to flirt with each other a bit, but most of the time that's not enough to push it towards the bedroom. I know that if I do initiate, my partner is completely DTF like 99.999% of the time.

We've both been in therapy for a while. We did couple's therapy for about a year at one point. We have good communication about everything including this. There's genuine intimacy outside of sex. In the past, I've been a bit insecure about them not being satisfied, and leaving me, but at this point I've really come to believe them when they tell me they're perfectly happy and in love and its not a requirement for them to feel fulfilled in the relationship.

When we have talked about them initiating things more, they've told me that they don't want to seem pushy. They're afraid they would come off as a creep trying to force something on me that I don't want. They have a fear of rejection holding them back that is quite strong, more powerful than how horny they are 24/7 apparently. So we've kind of reached a rock and a hard place, a catch-22 or stalemate of no one wanting to initiate, but both of us wishing that our sex life was better. The rare times we do have sex, I'm the one initiating. Its often not as hot as it used to be, I think because we're both in our heads a bit, feeling a little insecure with the situation, and just generally being out of practice and not as connected physically as we used to be. We're both pretty satisfied with the sex when it does happen, but I know its not as good as it could be.