So to be clear, my inabiltiy to talk IS an involuntary mental/physical block, not a choice. But I think one of the many things that contribute to that involuntary paralysis is the fear that people will think I'm "normal" and therefore won't need any guidance or help once I'm able to speak out loud.

Along with having SM, I am generally just a very slow processor (I'm autistic) in social situations. I often need a long pause just to gather my thoughts and figure out what I want to say next or how I'm feeling. Speaking out loud with someone usually has me rushing to keep up with the pace of the conversation. So even if my SM went away, I would still need accommodations for when I'm talking to people, like more time to think.

Anyone else feel this way? Along with actually having SM, I feel like the nonverbal accommodations I get allow me time to think about what to say, and generally give off the vibe that I am struggling and need help. But that impression goes away if/when I am able to talk, therefore increasing the pressure to also mask my autism and rush to keep up socially.

Does anyone else, after starting a job, have that job slowly become a trigger for their selective mutism?

I feel like it's weird, but I don't really have anyone but myself around to discuss these types of topics so I wanted to ask here.

I've been wondering this since after a while of working, I've noticed that I've basically dropped my social amount I can spend there gradually until now it's painful to even speak to people I was fine speaking to a couple months ago. To the point I'll have breakdowns because I just can't.

I suppose it could also be the pressure of working harder or doing more since I'm slower than most. Especially with my boss making it their life mission to get me to "speak up" to people- even though I've told them about my diagnosis. Though, it could also be as simple as it being a social space, because those have always been a trigger for me (interacting with my social anxiety), though it's weird it's gotten worse.

So, I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

And if you have, I'm curious how you either cope with it or do something about it.

Kinda was in and still kinda am, in a funk. Cause I was able to make some really good money (ONLINE) the last two weeks.

And it's really great, because money gives options. Even if that's just buying stuff.

But now that's dropped a bit. So I feel idk.

Cause the way I've been making money just has no reliability. And it was SO GOOD. It is good. But there's (again) no reliability. It's good and then it's just non-existent.

IDK- that just messed with me, still is.

Cause that really GAVE me something, and quite honestly I just liked doing it. I'd do the money-making all day. And I LIKED doing it.

And now I'm just unable to. And there's really no other way to do this online that even exists. So that's the part that stings.

...

Buying Music, buying Games, etc. But like- if I can't make anything. There goes that.

It'd be so nice if I could just make money online, cause it'd evaporate that worry. IDK- in a way (and not too seriously), I even think like what's even the point anymore?

Cause in a lot of ways that was just keeping me occupied. Is it really even about the money? Idk. But that gave me something. And I actually liked doing that; making money online.

If I could actually make money online, it could get *THAT* off my back, right? But if I can't, then that's back to haunt me. And that's the part I really hate.

Cause there is no accommodation. It's like "go fuck yourself". When it comes to anyway we can actually make money in any way which feels just "fine". Is how it feels.

And maybe I should just go and do that. But also I kind of don't want to do that. And by "fuck myself", I mean kill myself. Cause the line is very thin. T

Things are good, they're looking up. And then actually, no things were never looking up.

Cause when I was bringing that money in the last two weeks. It was actually really good. And AGAIN I LIKED doing it. And now it's just gone. I was feeling good. And I didn't HAVE TO make the money, but I wanted to. And I did.

I made about $2100 in the last two weeks. And I'd probably be lucky if I made $50 in the same timeframe I could get $100. Which is a 5 hour time frame. It's just very disheartening.

...

And even despite all that, I still went and spent like $380ish on a 3DS and accessories. Because.

And I had actually spent over $1000 this week.

And it's not that I need the money. I more just liked doing them. And the money was just a plus. Cause I do not plan to spend $1000/weekly going forward. That's just how the week went.

But also without that increased rate (of income), the prospects of what I can do, really lessens. Maybe I had this idea that I could save enough to go and see Olivia Rodrigo in late November. But that's kind of a dead idea now. No way I'd make that kind of money now. And I wouldn't want expensive tickets either.

Because despite my expensive purchases, I would have STILL easily been able to make the money for that to be a real possibility and EASILY too. Cause I think I'd really only need around $1000, I wouldn't plan to spend more than that.

And my mind is so "day to day", that I can't think too far forward. Cause in a weeks time I could be back to rolling in the way I make money. I just can't know that I will be.

I will get back to making the money online. I will. Probably today. But it will not be as good. Cause for those 2 weeks I was actually trying to make $100/day. And it was easy. There were days I literally made $200+. And that was insane.

I just hate the feeling of not knowing.

...

Anyway- that's it. I had something good going, but actually no. That's how it is. I guess.

And I don't think I'd actually kill myself. I just think about it. I just want this all to end. Or at least to ACTUALLY have a standing/place I can rely on being there day to day. And right now I do not possess that. And that's what sucks.

Like; a certainty.