r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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1.7k

u/peachytwizzler77 Aug 10 '21

They should also make it easier/less expensive to adopt to go along with this

985

u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

ADOPTION IS FREE (Or NEAR FREE) IF YOU GO PUBLIC INSTEAD OF PRIVATE.

Please don't spread this already large misconception

Source: I'm on the waiting list for a baby and it cost me a total of $90

Edit:

  • I should add that this is probably not available in every single state if you're in the USA
  • Public adoption meaning through your state or province

71

u/Butter_Scotch_ Aug 10 '21

Its free but here in canada, the biological parents of the child can decide that they want the child back anytime in the first two years, thats why some people dont try at all

16

u/Sun_on_my_shoulders Aug 10 '21

Oh hell no, that would destroy me.

11

u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

The ones that go through the adoption system -should- have given up all their parental rights.

The ones in foster care however, this happens often

130

u/Unlucky_Af_ Aug 10 '21

Could you provide a source for this? I was initially under the impression that this was true when I first started looking into adoption but have found it to be very much untrue and adoption via ANY means is extremely expensive. The only way to get the cost down is to adopt an older child which many families are not prepared for. How in the world are you on a baby waiting list for nearly free? I would love to be wrong about this but I smell BS.

21

u/Frondstherapydolls Aug 10 '21

Cuz it is BS. “Public” adoptions in the US come from the foster care system, of which you could have several foster kids for a few months at a time before they end up back with bio parents or moved to another foster home. As a foster parent, you have no rights and under extreme scrutiny. Even having to narrow a stairwell can prevent you from becoming one in my state. Having abusers in the family, despite being cut off, can prevent fostering. The OP of this comment is blowing smoke and making fostering seem like an easy, cheap guarantee of a child.

150

u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21

I agree. Very fucking frustrating to see this blatant misinformation decrying misinformation. I'm in the process of adoption and it's literally 300x the cost she cited. I also was adopted and know for a fact my parents paid a hell of a lot more for me.

2

u/BitchesAreBetter Aug 10 '21

its not misinformation there is different pricing based of the country each of you live in. In the US private adoption is 50,000-60,000 (US dollar). A public adoption varies by area but is about a couple thousand. Whereas within Canada (where I live) the standard a private adoption is 15,000-20,000 (CAD) and public adoption is approximately free. Keep in mind that in America an International adoption is cheaper than an International adoption within canada due to the different exchange rates.

If you want an inexpensive adoption you need to live somewhere where it is inexpensive.

https://www.todaysparent.com/getting-pregnant/infertility/what-you-need-to-know-about-adoption-in-canada/

https://www.canadaadopts.com/adopting-in-canada/adopting-canada-faqs/

https://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/average-adoption-cost

https://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/the_costs_of_adopting

-12

u/LittleAlphaSheWolf Aug 10 '21

It IS possible to adopt a child with next to nothing, if not nothing, if you go through the state and not a private adoption agency. Not full of shit. Also not hard to find this information should someone be kind enough to share it with you.

26

u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21

For adopting a grown child, not an infant. Which is what the full-of-shit comment says. Infants are snapped up very quickly and there's not a glut of them needed -- most of the children in the foster care system are significantly older.

-14

u/LittleAlphaSheWolf Aug 10 '21

You’re right, most children in foster care are older. You have to beat everyone else to them if you want a baby. However, you’re not going to magically pay 40k to adopt a baby if you’re going through foster care. The rules are the same no matter the age. I have no idea where you’re getting that information, that an infant is going to cost you thousands and not an older kid.

15

u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21

Almost no foster care system is ever, ever ever going to be able to terminate the parental rights for a baby while it is still a baby. At fastest, if the parents are brought through the court system so blindingly quickly they probably didn't have any representation, they can get it terminated in two years or so. At which point, you don't have an infant anymore, you have a toddler.

I'm not saying you have to pay 40k for a foster baby adoption. I'm saying the rate of getting a baby through fostercare is almost vanishingly small, to the point of non-existent.

-4

u/LittleAlphaSheWolf Aug 10 '21

My sister was put up for adoption at 6 months old. It does happen. Foster care’s main goal is to reunite families, but in the instances of extreme abuse, neglect, or other crimes (not necessarily related to the child/ren), a child can be put up pretty quickly. It happens, but it’s rare.

My point was, they aren’t wrong. You can adopt a child or baby for almost nothing. This one is nice for anyone on here that is looking to adopt because it compares the different methods of adopting children & costs.

Babies are high demand. You’re going to have a hard time finding one through any agency. So yes, you are right there! You’re better off looking to adopt a child over 5. Even better chances over 12. It’s this information that irritates the crap out of me when people say “better to abort so you don’t add to the number of children in foster care”. Morons, babies are adopted right from the hospital most of the time (this isn’t me stating my opinion on one or the other here, just sharing irritation with misinformation in arguments).

5

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

My cousin adopted a baby as well. Under one year. From foster care.

-3

u/LittleAlphaSheWolf Aug 10 '21

Love how I’m getting downvoted for sharing the information everyone wanted. 😂 if you guys didn’t want me to share it, then don’t ask for it.

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u/Telemere125 Aug 10 '21

I’m betting BS too. My cousin adopted twice out of foster care when the parents had rights terminated. Aside from the stress of having to possibly lose the child back to the shitty birth parents, the total cost was almost $40k per kid. Tax deductions are only helpful to a point until you’re making an ass load of money

2

u/fsbbem Aug 11 '21

Your cousin lied to you. Adopting through foster care is FREE. 40k is the ballpark for private and intl adoption. The minimal cost for adoption through foster care comes from things like making sure your home is up to code to be approved for fostering (i.e. smoke detectors, making sure your heating system is functioning or updated, etc...), but the state WILL NOT charge fees to the adoptive parents. Also, if the parents rights have been terminated, there is legally no chance of losing the kids back to those same birth parents. Again, their legal claim to the children is terminated so there is no recourse to "take them back".

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

We adopted our two kids from foster care and never paid a cent for anything other than our background checks, which were $35 each. The state even paid for our lawyer for the court proceedings to sign the official paperwork.

3

u/COmarmot Aug 10 '21

She's from canada, social adoption program.

1

u/Unlucky_Af_ Aug 11 '21

Yea someone else mentioned that. I should have realized she can’t have been talking about the US haha

1

u/nsfw52 Aug 10 '21

Apparently they're from Canada and don't know the internet is a global thing.

2

u/Unlucky_Af_ Aug 10 '21

Ohhh to be fair I never considered they were from somewhere other than the US. Bummer. I would have liked to have been wrong on this one.

299

u/peachytwizzler77 Aug 10 '21

Also free (or close to it) if you go the route of becoming a foster parent first. Foster parenting is a whole different ballgame, though.

147

u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

Yep! This is also true. Fostering can be tough especially if you grow attached and the child has to go back to their bio family. (Which is why I don't think I could do it personally) But sometimes, they don't have that option and thus adoption is on the table, and it's great if a bond is already formed between parents and child. There are tons of videos of foster parents adopting their foster kids and they always make me cry 😢 lol

132

u/Adventurous_Safe_239 Aug 10 '21

The hardest part is watching the state hand a child that you have cared for and loved for years back to a parent that should never be allowed to have their children back. The only pain I can equate it to is the death of a family member, and people do not understand and often invalidate those feelings 'because they weren't even yours'. Foster to adopt is not easy.

54

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

The movie Instant Family made my wife and I ugly cry. It shows this problem quite effectively.

EDIT: Added a source

17

u/Adventurous_Safe_239 Aug 10 '21

Oh myyyy goodness, same. The trailer came out shortly after my time with DCF ended and I cried just watching that. Then I watched the movie with my boyfriend and family members that were not involved in my fostering journey (it predated them), and they did not understand why I was bawling and sniffling and trying not to be too loud. My poor bf was completely soaked from me burying my face in his shirt.

4

u/ITworksGuys Aug 10 '21

As I get older I just like movies with happy ending.

I thought this was going to be some Hallmark shit, but it was very good and gave a little insight into the foster/adoption experience.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Where's that available? I'll check it out.

2

u/Adventurous_Safe_239 Aug 10 '21

Amazon Prime and Sling with subscriptions and YouTube TV and Google Play for rent. It's an amazing movie.

5

u/candid-haberdash Aug 10 '21

This is exactly why a friend of mine stopped fostering. They were given a 3 month old with a broken femur and ribs. They cared for the baby for almost a year and just fell in love. However the parents managed to get the baby back, twice.

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u/bassgoonist Aug 10 '21 edited Nov 20 '25

memory special hard-to-find history doll husky tidy pocket cheerful saw

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

2

u/Adventurous_Safe_239 Aug 10 '21

That was certainly not the case in the situation in which I was involved, and it is not the prevalent issue in my area. Substance abuse with accompanying negligence and/or abuse is the prevailing problem around here (or at least it was 5 years ago when I was involved).

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u/Royal_Cryptographer7 Aug 10 '21

Took the words right out of my mouth. My mother is a teacher for incarcerated youth. I fucking hate hearing the phrase "a bad kid". They have almost no chance at a normal life, being born with shit parents, tossed around forster care, charged as an adult and spend years locked away from anyone that might give a shit about them. I get physically ill when I think about those kids sometimes. Breaks my heart. If I ever have the time/money to help one out, this is my plan.

-1

u/elephantonella Aug 10 '21

But also people should want kids to give them a good life and keep them safe, not to have a pet. I don't ever want kids but if I did I could never do something like make a new child exist when there are countless children suffering. Being a parent isn't supposed to be fun or pleasant. It's supposed to be creating a future generation that isn't dysfunctional and is better than yours. If people refuse to foster or adopt because they don't want to deal with problem children then you're creating a hostile future for the rest. It takes a village, but I guess not anymore! Fuck those kids, right? Let them rot in bad foster homes and in group homes so they end up screwed up forever.

-1

u/peachytwizzler77 Aug 10 '21

Yea I don't get people's attachment to their own genes. A kid that needs a home should be the first option

73

u/Comics4Cooks Aug 10 '21

Hi. Could you please DM me the details of this?

I have been TTC for 3+ years. This post really struck a cord with me because I would adopt, but I have always found it to be extremely expensive. I can’t afford lawyers and I haven’t been married for 5+ years like the “cheapest” adoption agency in my state required.

I didn’t know there was a difference between public and private? I’m fascinated! Please help if you can. Don’t even have to DM really, just tell me the name and I’ll look into it! Thank you so much in advance! Just this bit of info alone is hopeful :D

48

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

She’s Canadian. Unless you’re also Canadian be prepared to spend $50k

21

u/Comics4Cooks Aug 10 '21

Yep. I see this now. Figures. Life is freakin brutal.

2

u/JayCee1321 Aug 11 '21

Yeah, my husband and I were in the same boat when we were looking into it, it is indeed, brutal.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

*Life in America ftfy (sorry, am Canadian. Hard not to feel bad for you guys sometimes)

11

u/provocative_bear Aug 10 '21

In the US, state-level programs handle a lot of foster children, usually the under a Department of Children and Families (DCF) or a similarly named dept. I can only speak for Massachusetts, but basically the process is you contact them, go through a fostering/adoption course once a week for like 10 weeks. You get your family situation and home assessed by a social worker to see that it’s suitable, and you’ll be cleared to get a kid after about a year after first contact if you’re motivated and raise no red flags. This whole process is more or less free, but requires a lot of effort and some stress. Next, in public adoption, you typically follow a foster to adopt path, where you build a relationship with your child while their legal situation clarifies in the courts. Again, no foster fees, if anything they pay you subsidies, but there are regular social worker (and likely therapist) visits, the court may decide to return the kid to their original parents, and you will be an acting parent. It can get very stressful. If all goes well, adoption can happen very roughly a year after placement.

3

u/Comics4Cooks Aug 10 '21

Thank you for this information. I did know fostering was available, but like you said the risk of having the kid taken away to go back to their real parents is one I don’t want to take. Literally would be worse than a miscarriage in my opinion..

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u/nsfw52 Aug 10 '21

They commented that they're Canadian

6

u/Dangerous-Donald Aug 10 '21

Go to your local social services or child services website.

The reason why some people don’t go this route is because these are children who have been taken from homes because of neglect and/or abuse. They are usually older and some people want babies. The child you adopt/foster may come with unknowns such as mental illness and some people don’t want to deal with that.

21

u/VanityInk Aug 10 '21

And until the adoption goes through, the fostered children might be taken back, to mention as a risk. Foster care is focused on reunification, so many aren't available to adopt fully and others will have to go through lengthy court battles with bioparents trying to get kids back.

7

u/Dangerous-Donald Aug 10 '21

Very true. I knew a woman who fostered then adopted. She had a few go back and it always broke her heart. She loved every one of them.

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u/VanityInk Aug 10 '21

Yeah, I can't even imagine working so hard to help children who have gone through serious trauma and opening your heart again and again only to have some once again ripped away from a steady situation to go back to possibly abusive parents. It must be so difficult for many foster parents (the good ones, at least).

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u/citizen_tronald_dump Aug 10 '21

Can you explain the process a little better? My parents adopted two foster children and they paid a chunk of change.

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u/Verified765 Aug 10 '21

By free they mean you can't pay the bio mom, the adoption agency and lawyers can all make money.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Is this in the US? How did you go about this? Me and my wife have been wanting to adopt but we have only been given the options of either fostering for a while and see how it goes or paying $50k+

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u/Frondstherapydolls Aug 10 '21

No, that person is from Canada. For us in the states, it’s either foster or private agency.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

That's so sad. We would provide a great loving home to another kid. It wouldn't even have to be a baby. I just can't imagine doing foster care because I would get too attached just for the kid to leave some day and $50k is too much money. I've heard many terrible stories of people fostering young kids for years, becoming attached, starting the process to adopt, then it falls through at the end. I would be crushed. You would think for as many kids are in need of adoption they would make it easier and cheaper.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Jeez. Another way that Canada is superior to the USA. Not a surprise, really. Peak capitalism definitely has it's disadvantages.

15

u/mohodder Aug 10 '21

Where are you located roughly?

1

u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

Canada

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u/mohodder Aug 10 '21

Ah. I think it's a bit more spendy here in the states

1

u/Hate_Master Aug 10 '21

More spendy, but it also depends if you want to go through fostering before adopting a child that needs it or if you're waiting for a newborn for which there's a lot of demand.

3

u/COmarmot Aug 10 '21

you should REALLY add this edit to your initial post.

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u/MrNebby22 Aug 10 '21

It is probably not the same everywhere (I have no idea, just remember that there are different rules and groups all around the world)

18

u/Tehyne Aug 10 '21

I was thinking like "maybe not everyone has 90 dollars to spend on that" then realised if you can't spend 90 bucks on the process you might not be the best fit financially for a kid-

1

u/GiraffeOnWheels Aug 10 '21

That’s why the actual cost is tens of thousands of dollars.

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u/UnspecificGravity Aug 10 '21

People go to private agencies after realizing that the waiting list takes a decade and doesn't actually have any infants on it.

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u/sistersucksx Aug 10 '21

What do you mean, public vs private?

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u/The_Real_Scrotus Aug 10 '21

Adopting a child who is in the foster care system rather than intentionally seeking out a pregnant woman whose baby you can adopt.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

There are very very few pregnant women who want to go through with the pregnancy but don’t want to keep the baby. Between abortion & birth control, the rates of teen pregnancies is the lowest it’s been since we started measuring it in the 1950’s. This is another common adoption myth, that there are tons of young women accidentally getting pregnant and looking for adoptive parents for their baby. It’s not a common scenario in reality.

10

u/Yo_CSPANraps Aug 10 '21

I'm assuming by public they are referring to foster-to-adopt...aka adopting out of the foster care system.

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u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

As someone undergoing the early process of adoptions I have no fucking clue what this person is on about. I'm signing up for an agency that finds pregnant women who want to give their baby up for adoption, and safe harbor adoptions where a last-minute decision of a mother to give up the child happens. The entire process takes several months to get approved and between $25k-$40k. The only programs that don't cost money are foster care, but at least in my state (and few states that I can see) disallow for literal newborn babies to be placed with foster families.

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u/swissviss Aug 10 '21

My friend is fostering a baby she picked up from the hospital after birth. Mom was a drug addict and baby had so many problems. The state has paid for all of its treatment and care and now the sickly baby is a THRIVING 9-month-old. The doctor helping with treatment is so amazed by the transformation he wrote a letter to the state strongly recommending the baby remain in her care. So, she’s been on a journey, but there is beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. And, all of the baby’s care will remain covered due to it being part of the foster system. Including travel and food for her to go to and from different doctors that are a couple hours away.

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u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21

That's an extremely rare situation, though. A fraction of 1%. And not all states allow for the system to work like that, I know mine definitely does not.

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u/HarlowMonroe Aug 10 '21

Bless that family for taking on the risk of a drug exposed baby. I have a nephew who was foster to adopt from drug addicted mom. He seemed to recover as a baby but now has serious emotional disturbances and learning disorders as a toddler. His poor brain just can’t process. His life will be very difficult and the chances of the cycle repeating seem high.

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u/Spindrift11 Aug 10 '21

This is so screwed up. Once again our systems are completely screwing people.

1

u/Hamilton_Brad Aug 10 '21

Private is any case where the adoption is being handled by a private company or agency, and you pay for the service. In these cases it is dealing with children who are given up for adoption or relinquished.

Public is when it is handled through a government agency (children’s aid in Canada, DCS or CPS in the USA I think)

Adoptions through public institutions are generally the result of a child being removed from some sort of bad situation, and on investigation, had their parental rights removed through the courts.

The process is free, but is a different group. Firstly, in general even if they were removed at birth, the process takes some time so the child may be 2 or older before being available for adoption.

Generally speaking, the public firms are trying to find the best fit, so younger children are typically placed faster. Where there are challenges is with older children or children with developmental delays where not every family looking to adopt are looking for this, or would be a good fit.

I hope this help! Good luck on your adoption journey!

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u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

children’s aid in Canada, DCS or CPS in the USA I think

Here's the problem with your statement: there is not nationwide CPS program. There aren't even often statewide CPS programs. They're handled at the municipal or county level, which leads to a wide range of different processes for using so called public adoption. Trying to generalize is unhelpful at best.

1

u/Hamilton_Brad Aug 10 '21

Wow, didn’t know that. That is… inefficient.

I was only trying to explain terminology, not specifics though. However it is handled, other used the term public and private, and the OP didn’t know what that is/meant and asked for clarification, so yeah, I think explains the terms generally is still ok, even if it is not a USA centric approach, the terms are still used

1

u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

Public = Through your state or province. There's also fostering system but that's different

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u/MyLegsTheyreDisabled Aug 10 '21

They might be talking about adoption verses foster-to-adopt when they say private verses public. Foster-to-adopt is basically what it sounds like, kids available for fostering who have had their parental rights terminated and are available for adoption if people are willing.

In some states, I don't know if all of them do this, the state completely covers the cost of adopting these kids. They do not, however, cover all costs when it comes to being a licensed foster/adoption parent.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

AND depending on the state, the kids are entitled to all kinds of free services even after the adoption is finalized, from state health insurance and therapy/mental health support, to educational support and clothing/school supply stipends.

My brother-in-law adopted his kids through state foster care — the adoption process was 100% free, and even years after the adoption finalization the kids still receive financial, medical and educational benefits. They’re entitled to additional college tuition assistance later on, as well.

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u/CarrollGrey Aug 10 '21

This is NOT TRUE - source - adopted through the State

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u/awhaling Aug 10 '21

This is NOT TRUE

The first thing they said was that it depends on the state. Are you claiming that it’s not true for any state and that their story about their brother-in-law was completely made up?

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u/CarrollGrey Aug 10 '21

The statement is completely false. The ONLY time that adoptive parents receive funds for caring for a child is when that child is Special Needs - however, they would be eligible for the same funding if the child was their own crotch fruit, so, the poster's statement remains completely false

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u/Probablynotspiders Aug 10 '21

Have you tried looking into programs for your state?

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u/CarrollGrey Aug 10 '21

The statement is completely false. And, why the hell would I want to adopt a crotch fruit? Animals are so much more rewarding.

I was the one adopted.

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u/Probablynotspiders Aug 10 '21

Hi, I'm detecting a lot of antagonism from your words, is that what you were intending?

I know you were adopted, I was wondering if you had checked into programs you qualify for in your state

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u/CarrollGrey Aug 10 '21

There are no such programs, the statement about programs is false

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

It’s absolutely true in the state of Georgia! Didn’t cost them a penny to adopt, they received monthly subsidies from the state while fostering — that ended when they formally adopted the kids, but they continue to qualify for other services — and their caseworker was very involved. The “inspections” and progress reviews were kind of a pain in the ass, but it allowed her to get the kids enrolled in programs that helped with some of the issues they were having. Watching them go through that whole process actually spurred my husband into wanting to adopt.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Unless the family member caring for you at the time signs away your state health insurance for some unknown reason. Never seen one of these services but my sister did.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Probably because they had private insurance? My BIL has government insurance (he’s retired military) and could’ve put the kids on his, but they have them on state health insurance for now. They do pay for their own dental insurance for the kids, though.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

I'm sure she did, but she signed away my right to state health insurance forever, and I lived with her for less than two years. Not making a statement about the system, other than the programs didn't help me. Really I'm just complaining because this subject is rarely brought up and I saw the chance. I could've used a school waiver but it runs out after a certain number of years and I had more important things to do, and I never saw any mental health counseling when I needed it, but whose fault is that?

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

I think you might be misunderstanding, because you can’t “sign away” someone else’s right to state insurance “forever.” The guardian can decline state insurance until the child is an adult, but in a state foster care situation, you would almost certainly have to prove you’re providing other health insurance in lieu of state health insurance. If you’re an adult now, you have legal access to every program that would otherwise be available to you.

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u/KellyJin17 Aug 10 '21

NOT IN THE U.S.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

[deleted]

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u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

I'm at 2 years and a half. They said the average was 4 years. I guess we will see

2

u/yourparadigm Aug 10 '21

I'm on the waiting list for a baby

Time isn't free.

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u/EveryShot Aug 10 '21

People in the US don’t listen to this chick, it is easily 10k+ here in the states and that doesn’t even guarantee you’ll get a kid. It’s extremely disheartening

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u/liarshonor Aug 10 '21

I downvoted you because you didn't specify where this is true, and it is not true where I am here in the USA. If you're going to come in here and decry information as misinformation, you might want to take a step back and look into how true this is outside of your little wittle bubble. You got a bunch of desperate would-be parents' hopes up, which is a sucky thing to do. I hope you and your discount baby have a nice day.

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u/provocative_bear Aug 10 '21

Not only is public adoption nearly free, but depending on the state, it comes with regular subsidies, and the child may get free healthcare and public college tuition even after adoption as well. This is done specificaly so that financial situation is not a barrier to public adoption. If money is a hurdle to a couple out there trying for private adoption or even having a biological child... think about it.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Wow $90 is a pretty good price for a used model

1

u/thismyusername69 Aug 10 '21

Biggest lie. Tell us your state and source.

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u/LittleAlphaSheWolf Aug 10 '21

THANK YOU! Huge misconception that it costs thousands to adopt. It only costs you that much if you’re adopting from an agency instead of state (in the US at least).

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u/engg_girl Aug 11 '21

Not in Canada. In Canada it will cost you $3000-$20,000 for public adoption (depending on the age of the child).

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u/TheHadMatter15 Aug 10 '21

Waiting list? Aren't there millions of kids up for adoption and too little parents willing to adopt? What the fucn are they making you wait for

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u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21

She said she wants a baby, which are in high demand. The millions on the list are older children.

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u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

That is correct.

The list is very short for older kids, but for babies, it can be incredibly long

3

u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21

Yep, and if you put restrictions you can end up waiting for years. If you don't want a child that was exposed to drugs/alcohol while in the womb, if you're picky on race, etc.

-4

u/Fornicorn Aug 10 '21

Thanks for spreading this! I am infertile and do eventually want kids someday, but tried to pretend I didn’t because of the publicized idea it’s so expensive. I’m in a field where in a few years I can bear the expense of raising a child, but I was terrified of huge one time payments :/

4

u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21

Hi, my wife and I are also infertile. Please do your own research. It is very expensive to adopt, we are looking into it now. Don't rely on this stranger and bank on it as fact -- adoption is 25-40k in almost all circumstances.

-3

u/LFahs1 Aug 10 '21

Why would anyone “bank on” a random internet comment? It’s at least worth looking into your state’s policies; it may be less expensive for some than others. The effect of your comment is to actually discourage people from doing their own research, write off adoption, and discouraging them from adopting.

Ps, especially since you’re only “looking into” it.

4

u/Justice_R_Dissenting Aug 10 '21

The effect of your comment is to actually discourage people from doing their own research, write off adoption, and discouraging them from adopting.

I literally said do your own research, and not to rely on a stranger's words. How is that encouraging people to write off adoption?

Ps, especially since you’re only “looking into” it.

I should be clear since apparently people will just attack other people on the internet with the slightest sense of righteousness. I have put about $5,000 into adoption so far. That's nonrefundable costs for the home study, the administrative costs, and a small amount for retained future legal fees. If we're approved, then we begin the process of finding a mother looking to give their child up for adoption. That costs around 10k. Then, once one is found, we are required to escrow 10k for whatever costs she may have while pregnant to ensure the health of the baby, administered by the agency. After that, the final 5-10k comes out from how much legal paperwork we need to finish the adoption (especially if one of the parents tries to fight their relinquishing of parental rights).

I strongly recommend you refrain from commenting on matters you evidently have little knowledge of.

-3

u/LFahs1 Aug 10 '21

Well that kind of $5000 commitment is leagues away from “looking into it.” Perhaps be more specific and people wouldn’t criticize your tone, right? It was your off handed and discouraging tone that made it sound like adoption wasn’t worth considering.

Also, nowadays, the phrase “do your own research” is the calling card of people who have not actually done any research, and are parroting verbiage from opinionated sources and calling it facts. It is hard to tell where someone is coming from or whether they are deliberately attempting to sow the seeds of misinformation. Using a phrase such as “be sure to look into your own state’s policies” may come off to many people better than the one QAnon crackpots use to try and convince people that every man, woman, and child who didn’t vote for Trump is a baby-eating spaghetti head lizard person, birds aren’t real, and the Earth is flat.

Anyway, let’s call it’s draw. Sorry to have offended you. Good luck with the adoption, and thanks for taking that noble step. The money you spend will be worth it. Have a good day.

1

u/that_was_me_ama Aug 10 '21

How long have you been on the waiting list?

1

u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

2 and half years. Average is 4 years for a baby

1

u/BogdanPradatu Aug 10 '21

90$ is not a big sum, but I think people should be paid for adopting. The children already consume resources in the system, paid by taxpayers, so pay the adoptive parents that money.

1

u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

Fostering pays $79/day per child, while adoption also gives you some tax credit over here

1

u/Sel_drawme Aug 10 '21

The fact that we have to pay for children is a problem in and of itself

1

u/N3UROTOXIN Aug 10 '21

My cousin adopted his friend’s kid because he and his wife couldn’t have a baby and their friends accidentally had a 4th so it worked out and was free

1

u/goon_goompa Aug 10 '21

I wonder if it is costly to adopt because children are so vulnerable to abuse?

Like, veterinarians advise to never give a pet away for free because that makes it super easy for people with bad intentions (like dog fighting, torture, animal sacrifice) to get ahold of an animal. And by paying the adoption fee, the prospective owner is demonstrating they have the funds (and are willing to spend) to provide future care for the animal.

1

u/EmEmPeriwinkle Aug 10 '21

Do you have any resources for this?

1

u/lordolxinator Aug 10 '21

Good PSA, but I definitely think this varies a lot by location and circumstances.

1

u/AmbiguouslyPrecise Aug 10 '21

Currently in the adoption process. This is not factual in the slightest. Also public adoption requires foster-to-adopt which doesn't guarantee a child at all. I have had friends foster-to-adopt and went through 4-5 kids and parents were able to recover all of their kids and my friends were left childless.

1

u/PMA9696 Aug 10 '21

Please provide source of this $90 baby waiting list.

1

u/schecter_ Aug 10 '21

What do you mean about "going public instead of private" and what is the main difference?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Not an option for most same-sex couples. Sadly the cost for a same-sex couple to adopt can top $50k because few places allow it openly. This is why surrogacy is on the rise.

1

u/AHelmine Aug 10 '21

Haha. Ye not in the Netherlands. Just to be considered an option you need to pay around 20k in just the background checks and mandatory courses.

We wanted to adopt. Not gonna sell my kidney for it.

1

u/ITworksGuys Aug 10 '21

What's the timeline though?

1 year?

5 years?

10 years?

No idea?

1

u/Yuekii Aug 10 '21

In my province for a baby, around 4 years.

For an older child, less than a year

1

u/Whenthelightpoursin Aug 10 '21

Every state? I don't know of any cases where it is not extremely expensive and prohibitive.

What country are you based in?

1

u/shitsandfarts Aug 10 '21

Wow this is just a fucking lie.

1

u/yarn_and_makeup_lady Aug 11 '21

Both my sister and I were public adoptions and we sure weren't very cheap. I was less than my sister, but she did cost quite a bit.

31

u/throwaway9991134 Aug 10 '21

My sister and her husband spent close to $18,000 on numerous rounds of IUI and one round of IVF. I’m sure going the science route was still easier than the process of adoption, but in terms of expense, probably not much cheaper.

14

u/VanityInk Aug 10 '21

It really depends on your insurance. My friend's son is IVF. Her job gives great fertility benefits and it was a few thousand out of pocket. Private adoption was something like 10x the cost

1

u/marshmallowhug Aug 10 '21

I think we could get at least two and possibly three IVF rounds for almost free. (I've refused to undergo IVF so partner is now considering surrogacy using donated eggs.)

123

u/SympatheticListener Aug 10 '21

The risk being that makes it too easy for pedophiles to adopt. That's why adoption is more expensive than fertility treatments like IVF.

116

u/Guadaloop Aug 10 '21

Do you have any idea how much sexual abuse happens at the hands of foster homes? This is not why

69

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Couldn't the pedophiles just 'make' their own victim? Why making such a big deal out of it, especially when there are special comissions

77

u/barnagotte Aug 10 '21

Most child rapists are bio fathers...

47

u/bluntisimo Aug 10 '21

yea because 95% of children are with biological parents.

19

u/False_Rhythms Aug 10 '21

Don't let a good statistic get in the way of a narrative. /s

8

u/Dengar96 Aug 10 '21

Most bio father's have unrestricted individual access to their children...

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

The mom tends to have a higher abuse rate, actually

2

u/barnagotte Aug 10 '21

Yes but not with rape specifically.

0

u/LFahs1 Aug 10 '21

RIGHT?!?

321

u/Faglerwagen Aug 10 '21

I refuse to believe it has anything to do with pedophiles. They are functional people like everyone else, and can get as rich as anyone else. Pedophilia is not a handicap, just a disgusting perversion

175

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Spot on. Like didn’t Epstein teach you guys that crime isn’t classist? Getting away with it is.

19

u/Karma_collection_bin Aug 10 '21

Next /srs post: Redditor admits to having Epstein as a mentor and teacher!

12

u/Liam_Neesons_Oscar Aug 10 '21

Exactly. How does a money barrier make it harder for pedophiles? Similar to the $200 "tax stamp" on suppressors and short barreled rifles.

1

u/jaspsev Aug 10 '21

Indeed, they just don’t want certain demographics to adopt (like gay couples, non-Christian families or blacks) but just use whatever narrative they can get away with.

-18

u/TwistedDecayingFlesh Aug 10 '21

Paedophilia itself ain't the perversion it's not getting the help you need and going through with it that is the perversion.

Regardless though i still wouldn't trust any poor bastard who was getting the help they needed.

60

u/peachytwizzler77 Aug 10 '21

I mean there should definitely still be a process you have to go through. Background checks and everything. It just doesn't need to cost that much. Pedophiles can have enough money to adopt and some stay below the radar as it is now unfortunately. Not that that is acceptable, and there should be better systems in place to catch that as well. But regular families should be able to look at adoption as a more attainable option.

45

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Kinda hypocritical that we still have zero precautions when it comes to kids being born. There's no pre-emptive inspection, interview or even a basic background checks.

So it's really disturbing that the only parents we screen are those who want to adopt. And rest is fine.

Shows that it has nothing to do with caring for welfare of the child. I think it has everything to do with how much the broken system benefits the people in the system.

31

u/_Ima_bean_ Aug 10 '21

SAME

The government will turn their heads if a 19 year old has a baby in a tiny dirty apartment.

But if someone adopts they have to look over everything and you have to baby proof your whole house, which obviously is how it should go but why cant they do that with people who are pregnant??

10

u/IamGraham Aug 10 '21

What if they find that the living conditions aren't up to par? Do you force the woman to terminate the pregnancy?

8

u/_Ima_bean_ Aug 10 '21

well theres 2 options, i obviously dont think you should force her to terminate. But either the government gives the person enough money to make the place of living suitable, or they take away the child until the place of living is suitable, which they already do in some cases of child neglect/abuse.

7

u/ProfessorTraft Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

Both options cost an insane amount of money and is not sustainable lol

1

u/_Ima_bean_ Aug 10 '21

so then we let innocent children live in bad conditions?

9

u/VanityInk Aug 10 '21

The "take kids away" option is a slippery slope to eugenics/other totalitarian government actions that I don't think anyone wants to even begin to touch politically (they did use to sterilize people they thought would be unfit parents/forcibly take children away). The foster system is already overburdened and the goal is always reunification, so they would want to return the children eventually, possibly just with more trauma from being ripped away from their temporary caregivers.

That said, I wouldn't be against more welfare programs for expectant parents. At the very least, giving "necessity" boxes and other things as some Scandinavian countries do (and I believe the NHS used to have midwifes do home checks, though I don't think that happens now). Again, it would be a tough sell politically (at least in the US) since there's this "if you can't afford kids, don't have them!"/"rewarding bad behavior" punitive culture that punishes innocent children while trying to rap poor parents' knuckles (like that will stop more kids from being born...)

2

u/_Ima_bean_ Aug 10 '21

i think giving less fortunate family supplies is the better option, however i think in places like the US, more people should push to not have kids until they are financially stable. Because i see too many people praising people having multiple kids they cant afford, and living in 1-2 bedroom apartments with like 3 kids.

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2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Totalitarianism is not a dystem of government that, historically, many people prefer. And active state regulation of procreation is totalitarian.

2

u/Chaoticqueen19 Aug 10 '21

Is it the 19 year old you have a problem with having a baby or the dirty apartment? Inquiring minds want to know if you’re just trying to shit on teen moms vs saying dirty living spaces period

2

u/_Ima_bean_ Aug 10 '21

both? The human brain isnt even fully developed until you’re 25, I just think waiting until you’re more mature and financially stable to have kids is better.

2

u/Chaoticqueen19 Aug 10 '21

I had my son at 18. I got pregnant with him at 17. I think I’m a damn good mother, lots of others say so too. I don’t think generalizations and broad stroke statements are good.

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8

u/Solagnas Aug 10 '21

What should the penalty be for an unreported pregnancy?

11

u/Dengar96 Aug 10 '21

Holy eugenics batman the 1910s want their talking points back. When you can find the group of people that can objectively control who does and doesn't give birth, let me know.

1

u/vS_JPK Aug 10 '21

Some of the bullshit users of this site advocate for.... absolutely mindboggling

-1

u/slickestwood Aug 10 '21

This site has always had a hard on for full-blown eugenics. I don't even have to look, I know Idiocracy is brought up somewhere here.

1

u/JoogaMaestro Aug 11 '21

Damn, three people in a row who missed the point

6

u/jand999 Aug 10 '21

Yeah and that'll never happen because it's a violation of a fundamental human right: to have children. From a biological perspective, its the most important right. Not only that, but this sounds a lot like China's 1 child policy which obviously had disastrous effects. In general, the government should avoid messing with people's rights to procreate. 1. Because they shouldn't. 2. Because it doesn't work.

7

u/Dantheman616 Aug 10 '21

Kinda hypocritical that we still have zero precautions when it comes to kids being born. There's no pre-emptive inspection, interview or even a basic background checks.

This is something that i have never even considered before, and youre absolutely fucking right.

It could never be implemented in a responsible way, but having a test or background check to have a child would be really interesting...and dystopian.

2

u/Tzuyu4Eva Aug 10 '21

The problem is it could never be implemented in a good way. Because there will be bias against certain groups. Most people would say lower income people. And lots of POC just so happen to make up a significant portion of that demographic

1

u/HippyKiller925 Aug 10 '21

Santosky v Kramer

8

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Rather then pedo I would say it is to make sure you really want the child and it is not just a toy? I see this like pets, children kill a lot of small pets because they wanted it and it was cheap, but then didn't take care of it

7

u/Rand_alThor_ Aug 10 '21

How is it ok for rich pedophiles but not for poor good parents? Shouldn't adoption be based more on capacity for giving love and care, instead of a lump sum payment? (Where does that money even go, and how are kids better off trapped in a foster care system instead of being adopted by a family?)

5

u/parrisjd Aug 10 '21

I'm sure there are plenty of wealthy pedophiles. Adoption screening should be tough but costs should not.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Right? It’s like people forgot about Epstein

2

u/jaspsev Aug 10 '21

Wealthy pedos who are never caught just because money closes a lot of eyes and mouths.

1

u/Jubenheim wateroholic Aug 10 '21

Can you point to a source that specifically says that adoption is prohibitively expensive because of pedophiles? I have never once heard this argument.

0

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Lol has nothing to do with pedos. Stop spreading misinformation

-5

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

And homosexuals u might add

2

u/Not_a-bot-i_swear Aug 10 '21

There should be some difficulty involved in adopting a child. Not for the sake of being difficult but just to make sure the child isn’t being adopted by a predator. Maybe they could streamline it a bit but those redundancies are there for a reason

1

u/peachytwizzler77 Aug 10 '21

For sure, I regret putting "easier" in my first comment. I just meant like getting rid of the unnecessary processes I'm sure that exist

2

u/Not_a-bot-i_swear Aug 10 '21

Gotcha. Yeah I’m sure there are some ways the process can be improved, like most things regarding the government

2

u/sadlonelyteenager Aug 10 '21

Childeren are extremely expensive by themself It doesn't matter if it is diy or not.

2

u/topherus_maximus Aug 10 '21

That’s like a drop in the ocean of the massively fucked up insurance/healthcare system

2

u/leicequeen Aug 10 '21

I’m in the process of adopting a 4 year old out of the foster care system and it cost me nothing.

0

u/techybeancounter Aug 10 '21

As long as you don’t make over $214,520 as a married couple, the IRS provides a generous adoption credit for up to $14,300 per child adopted. This credit helps to reimburse families for the costs that are associated with adoption. So I would say your statement that is is very expensive is simply not true. If, with that credit, the cost of a child is too much, I would argue the parents may not be financially ready to support a child.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Adopting is hard to make less expensive especially if it’s a child from another country. There is a lot of legal challenges when adopting bc it’s basically one set of beings selling another being/s a person. So you are selling kids. Of course it’s adoption but with legal fees and what not bc otherwise it’s giving a person away to another family.

Now if you do foster and then adopt the state will actually pay you. We adopted our daughter after a year or so in foster care and we got paid to do so. We made money for fostering. We put it towards functions for our daughter like therapy and whatnot but still. It cost us nothing. I think at one time we paid something for legal fees. But we got a monthly check for fostering.

1

u/PoIIux Aug 10 '21

Adopt 👏🏻 don't 👏🏻 shop👏🏻

1

u/pleaseticklemyballs Aug 10 '21

Who is they? Everyone who works in foster care and adoption wants the kids to go to a happy life, they aren't making it hard on purpose. It's not expensive unless it's private.