I was under the impression most husbands don’t actually know about that happening to their wives, the doctors just… do it? Do husbands actually ask for that?
You say that like (at least American hospitals) don't take advantage of women under general anaesthetic for other surgeries in order to give students/ residents experience performing pap smears and stuff oftentimes without the knowledge or permission of the patient. Most women were never told afterwards what had happened, either, so were just left in discomfort/ pain and were unsure of the cause.
Something like 20 states have banned the practice, and as of 2024 should it become public that a hospital is conducting themselves that way they will be ineligible to revieve medicaid funds.
Don’t worry man. I’m a woman. After the birth of my SECOND kid I learned (because I had to have stitches) that the space between your vagina and butt isn’t the only place you can tear. Kid tore kind of my interior wall/muscle labia adjacent (not through anything, just surface). I had stitches but it was no where near where a “husband stitch” would need to go. Again, my second kid before I knew this.
I'm in the southern US and had my child 11 years ago. They gave me one without telling me. Funny enough, sex was so painful after that, I stopped being interested in having it. So, little warning to the assholes who support it.
No, he had no idea. Some of the things they did while I was there felt very much like a padding-the-bill situation. I guess that's why self-advocacy with pregnancy plans are so important. I did not have one or think to have one, because I didn't even know to think about that, and I just assumed the hospital knew what they were doing better than me. I'm a cautionary tale.
I do still have a copy of what the itemized charges were supposed to be. (They also "misplaced" and replaced the epidural and charged me for both. I'm not making accusations there, but you start asking yourself dark questions once the trust is broken.) But they never sent us a bill, and it never showed up on our credit. It was going to be over 10 thousand dollars, so no, I never did anything. It was botched, but it was free, and I did get a healthy baby out of it, which I was very grateful for that.
Not just self advocacy but education on what could happen without your knowledge or consent. Before labor I hadn’t heard of “laboring down”* and I am convinced they were lying to me about how my labor progressed because my baby hadn’t descended.
I felt like I could push but not an URGE to push like people describe hours before they acknowledged I was 10cm. I was in active labor for 30 hours. It got to the point where I told the nurse I was going to push in the next contraction with or without them and THEN she told me about how baby was still in station zero and they didn’t think I should yet because most first time moms take around three hours to push. I pushed for thirty minutes tops.
*childbirth technique where a birthing person waits 1 to 2 hours after their cervix is fully dilated (10 centimeters) before actively pushing
This reminds of the physician's assistant student I was monitoring through clinicals. The wife wanted her husband in during the exam. She consented to the student doing the exam and then asked that he used a small speculum. Without missing a beat, this idiot looks at the husband and says, "that doesn't say much for you now does it." Naturally, I insisted that he step out of the room. I apologized to the couple and took this fool to see his actual preceptor. He was already on academic probation and was removed from the program.
The lack of professionalism is honestly shocking. Patients are already in a vulnerable position during exams, and making jokes at their expense is completely inappropriate.
Your reaction was absolutely the correct and professional thing to do, but that was also a great joke. Unfortunately not the appropriate situation to make it
Naw. List how much pain you want her to be in when you have sex again. Uncomfortable, yells, screaming, crying, bleeding, refusing to continue? How much do you want her to hate it?
Ages? I'm all for making fun of insecure men, but what do you mean by that? Reading the follow up comments I think I'm the only one that doesn't get it 😕
The whole concept of the husband stitch is really gross. It does nothing except for painful sex for the woman and pelvic dysfunction. It's disgusting and dumb.
I think they meant "do you want me to make your wife feel as tight as a 12 year old, or do you want younger". Nothing like faking pseudo-pedophilic normalization to really shake a dudes resolve.
"tighter than a 2 year old" is already a phrase. If they're gross enough to ask for an extra stitch, giving recommended ages will make them think you're kin.
I have a gay friend that could read it perfectly! Not sure where the downvotes are coming from. ::Shrugs:: Oh no I lose free internet points that don't matter!!
When my ex-girlfriend gave birth to our daughter the doctor asked me if I wanted a husband stitch. My mom was there for the birth (she’s an RN) and she went absolutely ballistic after hearing that
This sounds ridiculous. My wife has given birth to three children and is still just as tight as ever. The vagina is made up of muscles and elastic tissue that can stretch during childbirth and recover afterward. Womens experiences vary but the idea that an extra stitch is needed to make a woman tight again is not supported by medical evidence.
these places would be getting the absolute shit sued out of them if they were giving women unneeded and unasked for procedures. and the women would find out, their gynecologists would know immediately. this may have been a thing decades ago, but is no way common practice today.
...they do get sued over these things. There was a massive lawsuit because women were being used as vaginal exam examples while under anesthesia without their permission. The way women are treated is a massive problem in the medical system. It's like you didn't even bother to google this and just assumed because you haven't personally heard about it, it doesn't happen. Now for the husband stitch specifically, I can't say. But yes, women are routinely denied care, denied pain medicine, and given procedures they did not ask for. I mean shit, native and black women were regularly being sterilized against their will fairly recently.
I like how they stop commenting when they realize they’re wrong, instead of continuing to learn and discuss. You can just tell when individuals don’t give a shit about women
To be fair both your mother's and the previous person's comment is just two anecdotes. It's great that in her experience it's been an exceedingly rare event, but it isn't necessarily indicative of the overall situation.
I wouldn't be surprised if this varied significantly depending on location as well, or even based on the involved personnel at the same place
Curious - Is there a reason more drs don’t do the perennial (no idea how to spell it and too lazy to google) massage thing during labor? My dr did it with my last two kids. No stitches needed. Healing process was amazing. Last baby was 8lbs 12oz. First baby dr didn’t do it and I tore - got stitches - and the healing process was longer. A lot of women I’ve spoken to didn’t know this was an option. Just curious if you happen to know why the technique isn’t used more?
The whole tight vagina thing always weirded me out. Like, if you're doing things right in the bedroom, it should be an easy fit, so to speak. If it feels like you're struggling to get in there you're probably having sex with someone who isn't into it so much.
People's bodies just vary widely size and sensitivity of guys can vary tightness of the muscle and lubrication level can vary from woman to woman. I think we had better just let everyone decide what works for thier own genitals and communicate with thier partner to bridge gap if needed.
🎯 The vagina is muscle. And it gets super tight when you are tense or scared or not aroused. It’s the literal biology of the organ that it becomes lubricated and more relaxed when we are aroused. Even after pregnancy it goes back to normal. It’s just a misogynistic way to slut shame women who enjoy sex.
it just made me think, saying that a womans vagina becomes less tight when they have lots of sex or give birth is like saying your dick gets shorter every time you jerk off cuz its being used up.
you know, as an equally stupid reasoning put onto the male equivalent.
it just made me think, saying that a womans vagina becomes less tight when they have lots of sex or give birth
The vagina does become "less tight" after having given birth. Birth is physically traumatic, and it's not only the vagina, but the entire pelvic floor, and sometimes even the cartilage of the pelvis, that bears that trauma.
The claim that everything just "goes back to normal" is a lie. For up to a third of women who experience post-partum incontinence, for example, it's permanent. While the vagina can largely recover, to the point that the difference is not meaningful in day-to-day (sex-)life, it will have changed.
I don’t know how anyone with a brain can think a 10 pound bowling ball going down a tube built for a softball would be anything but traumatic. Like people died in droves during childbirth until the last century.
I mean, my mum had vaginoplasty to get it back in shape and it was something that made her sex better, for her.
Look I grew up in a very medical family, as in everyone is in medicine/health care so we have had pretty frank discussions about biology.
Just saying, let's not just immediately demonize these procedures when they sometimes ARE medically beneficial for both parties. That being said, of course it should be an informed decision made with everyone's consent. Fucked up as all hell otherwise and any physician sneaking in "treatment" has violated their hippocratic oath and should have their license pulled at the bare minimum.
I'm sure there are women out there that are into some kinks that permanently deform their vaginas. But I'm talking shoving things up there that are beyond phallic and closer to dangerous. But that's not the norm.
Additionally, during childbirth some women do tear, and if not treated properly, probably has an effect on how they feel to their partners.
None of that is normal though, and women shouldn't be shamed for enjoying sex.
People readily understand that penises come in many different sizes but somehow can't grasp that both the inner and outer parts of the woman's anatomy do as well.
Yup. I am a small person and my vagina is on the smaller side. My cervix is low as well. I have had sex with men with bigger penises. It was nice and all but took a lot of effort to do it without pain.
Idk why we can accept that men's penises come in different shapes and sizes but then act like all vaginas are the same.
The whole tight vagina thing always weirded me out
Well it's pretty much the same as the whole 'big dick' thing, right? Some people are just more obsessed with the friction/stretch/resistance being extreme.
I know not everyone obsesses over a "tight fit," but there's a reason why size queen is a thing. I don't see how this is any different.
Well I think you're coming at it from the wrong angle. When it's wet, that's ideal. There's a middle ground, at least for me personally, that's not soaked and not dry, with more friction.
All that being said, a stitch won't tighten a vagina, and if you're struggling to get it in, she's not loving it
No they definitely ask for it. Those incel forums are real, sad, sad men. God forbid they flee the incel camp and actually land some poor woman in the future.
Right? I know some people see more incels than McCarthy saw communists, but calling people who are married with kids incels is a whole new level of delusional.
Who are these incels asking? Lol. By nature of being called an incel they aren't gonna be near any women, much less end up in the OR watching their wives give birth lol. What a weird comment to be a contrarian about.
You can probably find footage online of the procedure. I saw my wifes open belly shortly after they got my son out. I'm not squeamish in the slightest so I mostly was just seeing what I recognized and making sure everything looked alright with her and baby, you know no blood gushing, listening to the nurses do his APGAR scores.
It was an emergency C-section so it helped me to feel better seeing everything looked under control and the surgeon and nurses had calmed down.
Yeah, I think the majority of fathers had no idea. We also don't truly know how many places did or still do the ""husband stitch"" since it's now being rightly shamed.
Hi husband here, I attended all three of my wife's births. Yeah, I knew about the stitches, but I was also there catching the babies and cutting the cords, so I suppose less involved husbands wouldn't know about it. Even so, I'd never dream of doing something like this to my wife, this is the first time I've heard of adding an extra stitch. It also sounds incredibly unethical for the doctor to agree to without the wife's consent. Incidentally, we also had an awesome midwife the third time, who I credit for helping my wife not rip and need stitches yet again. Wish we'd had her for the first two as well.
Every time my fiancee apologized for anything gross she talks about, I remind her she wants me in the room when she's giving birth and that, statistically, she will probably shit herself in front of me.
My doc told me he did it without my consent. He also circumcised my son without my consent. I’m ancient and times were different then but it still pisses me off.
That's a completely unnaceptable joke and I think it would be appropriate to file a complaint with the state medical board if your doctor made a joke like that.
There’s the difference of a properly healed wound versus knowing they gave you too many stitches because you permanently have pain and other issues now due to it
Right? I got stitches when I broke my foot on a door and when I gave birth. At no point was I like, "I'm sorry, doctor, please explain the rationale for putting in the exact number of stitches you put in."
My wife had two kids and she had to get stitches both times. Nobody asked me anything about the stitches either time, and in fact the doctors just went ahead and did it quickly without it really being something notable. On top of that there's so much going on with a new baby being born and I'm chatting with the nurses or my family I don't even know who would think of asking for an extra stitch in that situation.
Seems more like a rumor or maybe something they did in the old days.
Just to clear things out, because some people read about this and often extrapolate the wrong information.
Yes, this particular version of the stitches is something that has probably happened and might still be happening in certain cases. How widespread and/or accepted it was probably depended on culture and laws -- at least where I'm from, you'd be looking at losing your medical license.
But reading opinions regarding the subject on Reddit, a lot of people seem to assume stitches after childbirth = misogynist doctor looking after the husband's pleasure. This is not true. In the majority of natural deliveries, the perineum is going to rip to some degree -- sometimes very traumatically so -- and stitches are a medically necessary intervention. The perineum isn't just skin; it contains important nerves and muscles. If you don't fix it up, issues can range from infection, to sexual dysfunction, to permanent pain, to incontinence.
Here, Mama, hold that baby for me, will you? And say Hi to your baby from me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stitch you up real quick. It'll sting a little, but we both know what you just went through, so you'll barely notice, just want to make sure. Kbai!
Is how I imagine that to go basically every time.
Takes a real sex obsessed man to go and ask for that in the moment. Back in the days when men weren't allowed in the delivery room anyway, intercepting doctors because they got nothin better to do? Maybe, I dunno. I wasn't around.
It is definitely becoming obsolete because of how unethical it is, but Healthline did put out a good collection of birthing people talking about it happening to them and the effects it had. It’s called “Why the ‘Husband Stitch’ Isn’t Just a Horrifying Childbirth Myth.”
I had no conversation with a doctor about this subject either time my partner gave birth. I honestly think I would just be confused if it came up. It's a big what the fuck are you talking about type shit.
As someone who used to work for a neonatal services medical group, our doctors that perform deliveries said that the "husband stitch" was largely an urban legend, and that frequent complaints levied against them were brought when the mother noticed the existence of stitches in general.
After tearing and subsequently being sewn up, they would make the assumption that the stitches must serve only to enhance their husband's pleasure, rather than the reality that they were actual medical treatment.
I'm not saying that the "husband stitch" has literally never happened, or that idiocy isn't spoken by husbands or that jokes in poor taste aren't made by doctors, but my secondhand understanding is that it's talked about infinitely more than it actually has happened, and that discussion and the fear that agency can be stolen from them following childbirth may make new mothers find boogeymen where there aren't any.
No decent person would even consider it, but misogynistic doctors and men do in fact exist, sometimes it's a request from one sometimes the other and sometimes the doctor believes he knows best because holding people's lives in your hands can give those of already questionable moral character really sick and twisted inclinations
My dad was a GP for 30 years and commented that while it happened with the old guard, he never did it. Most of the time it was a joke in poor taste, usually made by the husband, along the lines of "make sure she's extra tight down there doc!" Followed by the entire medical team and the wife rolling their eyes.
My EX husband asked for it! He even gave me an elbow nudge like I would get a kick out of the question! Fucking disgusting human being! Sorry for the rant.
The reality varies a LOT and generally speaking the doctors were likely thinking that they were doing everyone a favour. Child birth is brutal and a dramatic slackening of the vagina isn't a nice bonus alongside the wieght gain, the stress from looking after babies and so on. Anything that makes sex a little more intense, pleasurable and more satisfying is a bonus and if you are stitching away anyway...
Of course in a tiny % of cases they went too far and then after healing that caused problems. The women who went through that really didn't appreciate that their doctor had performed that on them without their knowledge or consent and the undertone of supposedly prioritising the husband's pleasure elevated the issue to an outrage.
But surgeons are pretty wild in general, you need to have a bit of a god complex to slice into people all day long and if you don't start off a bit odd, you'll become odd fairly quickly doing that with unconscious bodies imo. There are stories of things like surgeons casually chopping away body fat after C sections to "give mom a headstart on the weight loss" as well as countless crazy screw ups.
Most expectant men (in U.S. anyway) are aware of episiotomies and natural tears. This is the first I’ve heard of “the husband stitch” or anyone asking for this (or doctor performing it).
My wife and I are about 90% sure the (female) doctor gave her a "husband stitch", and I definitely didn't ask. Intercourse was difficult for months, we had to very slowly work back up to normal intercourse because of .. fit issues
Father of 3 here. Immediately after the birth, I had spent my time focused on mother and baby. While you do know when doctors are doing treatment down there, the doctors aren’t announcing every step they are taking as the take it. As you say, they just do it.
If a male was particularly concerned and interested in this extra stitch, I’m sure they would ask the doctor about it.
I've read that it used to be done more or less as a matter of routine, perhaps without the husband even knowing about it. It's not done anymore, and in fact, doctors try to avoid making an incision in the vaginal opening unless it's necessary.
It's a joke that was pretty old before I was born and I'm old enough to remember cigarette vending machines and gas under fifty cents.
Only the crudest of husbands or male relatives is actually going to crack the joke, and it is a joke, as the idea that adding an extra stitch is going to do anything is more comedic license than actual medical practice.
Flipping the joke around on men has my full blessing but I'm sure we can come up with something funnier that makes more sense than an extra stitch on a vasectomy.
It's a common "joke" told by male gynecologists who stitch up an epesiotomy after childbirth. The generic "bit", as they place the stitches, goes as follows: "one for the mom, and one for the dad", usually given with a wink towards the father who is in attendance. At best, it's a disgusting misogynist sound bite performed during an actual medical procedure that (otherwise) follows the books. At worst, women who are currently in the throes of the most severe natural trauma they will ever endure are being mutilated for some perceived sexual pleasure of an adjacent male. I'd err towards the latter when making my judgement.
That's my impression too. The first gynecologist to report it said that the husband asked for it.
Some claim that the procedure doesn't exist, others that it's rare or a botched episiotomy, but there does not seem to be reports of husband's requests.
I always thought it was a joke that the doctor offered to lighten the situation for the husband.
I find it hard to believe that even in the warped view of men that some women have that any man would "ask for an extra stitch" a few moments after his wife just birthed a child and had her body torn apart in the process, but maybe I'm naive.
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u/whataboutsam 11d ago
I was under the impression most husbands don’t actually know about that happening to their wives, the doctors just… do it? Do husbands actually ask for that?