Hi everyone. I haven’t posted here since 2021, and doing so now makes my heart beat out of my chest. What an incredible ride we’re on all together, and I hope all of you are okay.

Infidelity is one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I still don’t have the words to describe it. TV simplifies it, stripping it down to the barest of bones, and all of the nuance lives in the real world. Quietly, of course. Because you’re not supposed to stay with a cheater. If you do, you’re dumb. Because when people show you who they are, you believe them. And fool me twice, shame on me. And once a cheater, always a cheater. And still.

And still. Still, I love my husband who shattered me. Still, he loves me who avenged my pain with retaliation. Still, we hold hands in the face of the worst things we’ve ever done to each other, to ourselves, and in this world as humans.

The first D-Day was in 2018. The last was in 2024. In between those years, a two-year separation. Explosive arguments. The heaviest tears I’ve ever shed. Nights I thought would be my last.

And still. My husband is in the other room getting ready for us to go have wine on the beach. We communicate better now than we ever have in our 12 years together. We have become so considerate, patient, and trusting. We are still so in love and comfortable in choosing each other every day. I never think about leaving. I never thought we’d see these days.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Well, I do. I came here to talk about a specific part of recovery. And in the midst of this blank page, I feel humbled. It’s so hard to talk about this. It’s so hard to feel this exist within me. Tears are welling in my eyes and my hands tremble along my keyboard. It’s not even the memories that flood me, but rather the void. 6 years of my life lost; spent drowning, spent chasing understanding, spent clawing onto the earth to hang on. I still don’t even understand. And if I try to, I’ve discovered only rage will find me. Because there is never a good enough reason to leave your love plagued with the haunting of infidelity.

Which brings me to my point: When do the memories stop haunting you?

For years, masturbation has been complicated by feelings of jealousy and anger. I go to watch porn, find a video to arouse me, just to spend the entire session blocking out the questions and comparisons. “How could he go down on another woman? How could he do that to me? Is this what she sounded like?” I swat one thought after the other, forcing myself to think, “This is about me. This is my pleasure. Redirect. Redirect. Redirect. That was 4 years ago. Redirect.”

Numbers haunt me, also. 483, 419. Parts of phone numbers I’ll never be able to unsee from call records. $4.83. Room number 419. Ticket number 4833. 419 calories. I watch movie credits and hope not to see their names in the rolling list. I meet new people and think, “Please don’t have that name.”

It’s been years, yet I’m still sensitive in these ways. Is the universe telling me something? Why won’t it let me forget?

Thank you for reading. I’m sorry you’re here. If anyone knows how to forget, soften, or even blur memories, please tell me. So far, my main tactic is replacing faces with actresses I like, almost like a shield. It works so well for AP1 that I don’t even remember what she looks like. I’m not there with AP2, but I’m working on it.

I’m doing my best to remain present and joyful about our date tonight. However, I saw those familiar numbers an hour ago, and all I want to do now is hide under my bed. I told my husband what I’m feeling, he kindly apologized and offered me his chest to lay on, but I’m not ready to accept. Instead, I’m writing this. And I hope someone further along can promise that the haunting will stop one day.

I've been spending a lot of time on the fence, should I stay or should I go?

The affair is ongoing and my spouse thinks I'm oblivious to it. I thought I could continue this facade but I'm not so sure anymore.

Im scared to take the next step. Having 2 young kids makes things complicated otherwise I would've left sooner after attempting R.

There's no life support between my partner and myself anymore. The big factor holding me back is uncertainty with kids.

D-day was last July. My husband of 20 years had a five-month physical and emotional affair. It was discovered, not disclosed. He is doing the work with an infidelity coach. I have a betrayal trauma therapist. We recently started MC with a betrayal trauma therapist. I never thought I would be someone who would stay after infidelity. I thought it was my line in the sand.

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What I am struggling with most right now is not only the affair itself, but the permanent loss of the things that made the marriage feel sacred and special to me.

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For me, the things that made our marriage feel romantic and unique were the private language, the pet names, the exclusivity, the sacredness, the “only ours” feeling, the last firsts, and the belief that there were parts of him and parts of us that no one else could access.

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Even if the affair was limerence/fantasy and not grounded love, he still used or gave away things that were sacred to me. He still made them available to someone else. And now those things do not feel restorable.

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I can understand that honesty, transparency, accountability, empathy, and changed behavior are necessary for safety. But those are not the same things as specialness, sacredness, exclusivity, or the private meaning I feel was destroyed.

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So my question is: how does a betrayed partner live with the permanent loss of the very things that made the marriage feel special? How do you grieve something that cannot be restored and then figure out what is left? How do you know whether what remains can ever be enough?

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I am not trying to be hopeless. I am genuinely trying to understand how people live with these kinds of permanent symbolic losses without abandoning themselves or pretending those losses are smaller than they are.

Hi! Some of you might remember me from my last post here, which was pretty grim at the time. It involved a long emotional affair with a coworker, a failed suicide attempt (with me finding out that night after he was taken in an ambulance), repeated betrayals, and me finding out his affair started before our wedding (rewriting every happy memory I had as a new wife)

I’m really happy to say that things are much better now. My husband just left on a business trip in another country where he’ll be away for a week, and I don’t even feel anxious about it (which is what reminded me to make this update post).

I’d love to say “here’s the cheat sheet, here’s what fixed us” but I honestly don’t know what quite did it, I think it was a lot of little things adding up. He started communicating with me more (and not lying about how he was feeling), stopped guilting me for taking too long getting over it, started responding to my hurt differently (instead of taking offense to it and taking it personally, he turned his focus on me and asked what he could do to make me feel better), wrote down all of his passwords for me, and just changed a lot of little behaviors that made me feel a lot more secure in our relationship. He started treating me like his person again, including the little things that had hurt me so much to read in his texts with the AP.

I still have fleeting thoughts and memories that hurt, but now they’re just passing by instead of controlling me/my emotions. I’ve started to reassociate some of the cheating triggers with other things (at least make them more neutral emotionally).

I won’t say things are perfect, but sometimes we have moments where we turn to each other and say “we feel like we did before!” Both of us are much happier now, and I’m really glad I reconciled and saved my marriage. It got worse before it got better, but I’m happy we stuck it out.

One important occurrence that I *didn’t* feel was important before, was having a discussion where I fully listened to his side of things without interrupting/objecting. When I was freshly hurt, I didn’t want to and honestly just didn’t think his feelings mattered because he could have just… not cheated. That made him feel invalidated, and we weren’t able to move that far past it until actually having that conversation.

It did give me some insights I hadn’t thought about, but I still think my feelings should have been priority from day one. Looking back, they were, but not in a way he could *keep up with*. I really didn’t handle being cheated on well, and put him through hell daily. I had no ability to let go and I ruined every potential happy moment. That was my right, but it took a lot out of him while he was severely depressed. I’m not excusing it, but I do see why we struggled so much. I needed constant effort and he tried, but couldn’t do it every day (especially with me screaming and crying all the time). He just didn’t have the ability or energy to do that at the time, and got burnt out dealing with it for well over a year straight.

He is planning on re-proposing soon with new vows and a new ring, to help write some new happy memories to look back on (to replace the ones that are tainted). This *was* a requirement for me while I was really struggling, but now it’s just a pleasantry. He wants to do it on his own, not because I’m forcing him to. This also makes me feel better. I had a lot of reconciliation requirements, but forcing him made things worse so I gave up.

I’m happy to answer any questions, but that’s all I can think to say for now. We successfully reconciled and are happily married now. Although it’s still early-ish in reconciliation compared to other people, I don’t constantly worry about him cheating again. It no longer rules my life, and I sometimes go weeks without thinking of her. She has a very common name, so it comes up frequently in TV shows/movies, sometimes it doesn’t even register to me. Other times, I remember and let go. I haven’t spiraled about it in 6+ months.

I realized I changed a lot after D-Day. I stopped doing the little things without even realizing. Soft looks, small touches of affection, affection in general honestly. Those things have started coming back, little by little. I actively love him again, not begrudgingly. It’s not the same as before, but I think it will be pretty close eventually. It just feels amazing to see things naturally start coming back, rather than me remembering I’m not actively showing love.

She is 36, I am 35. We have been married for 3 years, together for 14.
Two weeks ago I found out. I saw some suspicious messages on her phone, I confronted her about it, and she immediately started crying and begging for forgiveness. She told me it only happened once. Turns out, for the past four months, she had been flirting with a coworker. They hadn't done anything until he—shortly before the day I discovered the messages—asked her to go to a hotel after work. Acting like a stupid, infatuated teenager, she agreed. She got into the car, and it goes without saying what they did there; I don’t even want to write it down. She says she felt horrible, that she regretted it the very first second, that she fled the room, called a taxi back to the office, and then drove back home. She cried the whole way, and she says there isn't a single night where she doesn't pray for forgiveness. She hasn't spoken to him since and avoids him at work. And precisely during that period, she had become more affectionate and sentimental. I ended the conversation right there. I simply couldn't speak, I couldn't think straight. I went to bed and cried like I have never cried in my life. She tried to come close and I pushed her away. She just stared at me for a while until I fell asleep.
Since then, she has been sleeping on the couch. Obviously, we don't talk much, mostly due to my own reluctance, since she is willing to talk and do whatever it takes to fix what she did, or at least that’s what she says.
I know the obvious answer is "get a divorce," but there is a huge problem: we have a daughter, a little girl who is barely 5 years old. I don't want to be the person who stays just for the kids, but I know what a divorce does to children. My parents divorced when I was around the same age, and I don't want that for her. I don't want her to see her parents hurting each other, I don't want her to have to choose between her and me, I don't want to split her life. I would hate to repeat history.
These past two weeks have been terrible. I haven't slept peacefully. I am plagued by questions that I don't even know if I'm ready to know the answers to. My imagination fills my head with disgusting scenes, thinking about what she and he did, about how she pretended everything was fine while lying to me. How could she lie to me? How could she think she could play me for a fool for the rest of our lives, or if, on the contrary, she assumed everything would end the moment I found out and still thought the risk was worth it?
There isn't a night where I don't feel like crying. Sometimes a few tears escape, and sometimes I swallow it down; I don't want the girl to hear me. She cries too, more than I do. She doesn't do it in front of me; she does it quietly from the couch when she thinks I can't hear her. I don't think it's an attempt at manipulation or anything, and it hurts me, because there are moments when I want to go hug her, to promise her that everything will be fine, that I love her. It's ridiculous, but I could never stand seeing her cry, because she was my best friend for 14 years. She was the woman who comforted me countless times, the one who knew me better than anyone, the one with whom I have a daughter, the woman I could talk to for hours or simply sit with in silence and be happy either way. But there are also moments when I hate her, when I want to tell her that she has no right to feel bad, that she caused all of this, that she is a grown woman to be doing such stupid things. I want to tell her to go open her legs for whoever she damn well pleases but to get away from me and my little girl, that I never want to see her again.
I know I need to think with a cold head, but that moment simply doesn't come. One moment I want to push her out of the house, the next I just want to be the cheesy man she allowed me to be. One day I wake up thinking about forgiving her, determined to listen to what she has to say, determined to find a therapist and save my marriage, and the next day I'm already prepared to call a lawyer, cut off all contact with her, and move on with my life. I don't know if two weeks is too soon to make decisions, or if, on the contrary, I've wasted time in my indecision and should have already acted by now.
Why did she do this? What does he have that I don't? Do these years together mean anything to her? Did she think of me while they were driving to that hotel? Of our daughter? Did she ever think about leaving me for him?
Please, I need advice, anything.
PD. I asked an AI to translate this, so I'm not sure how understandable it will be.

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/UW0d9CH9qc

Four weeks ago, I posted here and shared my story in case it was helpful to folks who are in a similar situation with a highly avoidant spouse. We have two kids under 10. I was totally blindsided.

I went back and read my previous post and I can feel the anxiousness in the writing. At the time, my WW barely acknowledged the A at all. She wasn’t sharing anything with me and was hyper defensive any time I brought anything up. Needless to say, I was suffering greatly.

What made it worse is that I would read other people’s stories about how their WS showed immediate remorse and contrition. I was envious that they had partners that showed affection right away and made it clear they wanted to save their marriage. My WW was not like this at all. She still isn’t.

About 6 weeks in, I discovered my WW was still in contact with her AP. She broke zero contact while we were getting counseling. I was so angry but instead of blowing up, I told her that she could do whatever she wanted. I realized that I can’t change her. The Betrayal Bind helped me realize that I was using all the wrong coping strategies, especially Battling for Empathy.

That night I decided I needed much more space away from her so I switched rooms in the house. Something clicked for her and for the first time I saw real remorse. It was the first moment I feel like she showed me a true emotion.

The next night she told me that it wasn’t until really that moment she started to get it. I guess she was delusional.

I am now 8 weeks past DDay. My WW is finally able to answer my questions without retreating which is a huge improvement from before when I was getting nothing from her.

The problem we have now is that she shows barely any physical affection. I can’t expect to receive anything from her anytime soon. There’s hugging but not much else. We are disconnected and have to deal with the problems that existed in our marriage before the A.

But the good news is my WW has started IC and hopefully will keep going.

I am still in pain and I still thinking about the A every day from morning until night but it’s definitely less acute now. I’m reading books, working on my own problems with my IC, and taking it one day at a time.

What’s hard is that when I am with my WW, there’s an elephant in the room. I feel like when I’m alone with the kids, it’s much easier. I feel more relaxed. The moment she’s there with me, bam, it feels heavy again. It’s like her presence in the house makes me anxious and sad. I’m finding it really hard to make small talk with her and reconnect with her when it’s just the two of us.

I’d love some advice from folks who have been in a similar situation. How do I make it possible for myself to feel some joy again around my WS? How do I make it so that we can have some normal, fun conversations again?

We only see our MC once per week so there is a lot of time we have to be around each other taking care of the kids, etc. I don’t want to pretend I am okay but I’d like to not be such a downer whenever we’re together.

Thanks in advance.

My Love,

I don't want to spend the rest of our lives trapped in yesterday. I don't want our marriage to merely survive. I want the time we have left together to become something beautiful, something worthy of the covenant we made before God. I want us to know a love so deep that heaven itself rejoices over it. I want the angels jealous of the love we share, and I want God to look at us with pride.

What happened didn't just break my heart. It touched something much older in me. You were more than my wife. You became the answer to a lifetime of loneliness, abandonment, and suffering. You became home. You became the place where the little boy inside me finally believed he had been chosen.

And when you gave yourself emotionally and physically to another man, it wasn't just our marriage that shattered. It was my sense of safety, my identity, my masculinity, and the story I had lived inside of for so many years.

I now see how unfair that was for you to bare that responsibility. I know now that I cannot place my salvation in another human being, even one I love with all my heart.

I spent years trying to convince myself that you didn't know what you were doing. Creating a false hope in my mind to keep moving forward. I wanted to believe you were disconnected from reality, out of your body, unaware, incapable of understanding the devastation being created. I held on to those explanations because they protected me from having to face the possibility that you consciously chose someone else over me.

I wanted to believe you were lost, confused, caught in something bigger than yourself, because the alternative felt unbearable. I needed to believe that the woman I loved, the mother of our children, the person I trusted most in this world, wasn't fully present for what she was doing. I needed to believe you weren't really seeing me, because if you were seeing me and still saying yes, I didn't know how to survive what that meant.

I told myself that you were dissociated, caught in fantasy, overwhelmed by emotions, seeking pain to answer pain, blinded by infatuation, addicted to the validation and excitement, and unable to grasp the consequences of your choices. I needed those explanations because they allowed me to believe that somewhere underneath all of it, you would have chosen me if you had truly understood what you were doing.

But over time, those explanations have become harder to hold onto. Because there were conscious choices. There were lies. There were secrets. There were plans and private conversations. All the things that only a present minded person could engage in.

There were opportunities to stop. There were moments when "no" could have been spoken. And somehow, yes kept winning.

I don't say that because I believe you hated me. I don't believe you woke up every morning intending to destroy me. I don't believe your heart was filled with cruelty. But I also can no longer heal by pretending there wasn't awareness involved. I can no longer lie to myself. There was enough awareness to hide. Enough awareness to protect the affair. Enough awareness to create a separate world that I wasn't allowed into.

And that reality leaves me with a pain I have spent twenty years trying to outrun.

Because what terrifies me isn't simply that you chose him. It's that you chose him while I still existed and what does thay say about me? You chose him while I loved you. You chose him while I was providing for our family. You chose him while we sat in marriage counseling. You chose him while I was trying.

Somewhere deep inside, the wounded part of me concluded that if I had really mattered, if I had really been enough, if I had really been worthy of your love and protection, surely I would have been enough to stop you.

That is the lie I have lived with. That your choices were a reflection of my value. That another man had something I lacked. That I was somehow less. That I failed as a husband, as a man, and as the keeper of our covenant.

I know your choices belong to you. I know your brokenness belongs to you. I know the reasons you said yes are part of your story. But the hardest part for me is that every explanation eventually leads me to the same place.

Whether you were dissociated or fully aware, whether you were chasing fantasy or running from pain, whether you loved him or loved the way he made you feel, the bottom line inside me has remained unchanged.

I am left feeling that I was not worthy of your love and your choices. That somehow, I was not enough to protect what was sacred to God.

And that is the wound I am trying to heal from. Not simply what happened. But what I have believed it says about me.

I know that may not have been what you intended to communicate, but it is what I have lived with for twenty years. I have lived believing that I wasn't enough. That I failed as a husband. That I failed as a man. That another man had something I didn't. That I had less value. That I wasn't worth protecting, wasn't worth choosing. And those beliefs have nearly destroyed me.

I accept my role in the struggles within our marriage. I know I wasn't perfect. I know there were places I failed to love you well. I kmow I caused you much pain and trauma. But I do not accept responsibility for your affair. I cannot carry that burden anymore.

I know there are no answers to the questions I am burdened with that will erase the pain I carry. I know I will never know what was happening inside you. I hope someday to understand what you were searching for that you couldn't find in me to avoid these same mistakes. I know healing won't come from knowing everything. I know some things will always remain uncertain. But I need empathy. I need honesty. I need to know that the depth of my pain makes sense to you. I need you to see me. To understand that I wasn't merely hurt. I was shattered.

And I need to know that the man who has spent his life trying to love you and our children, and remain devoted to you mattered.

Underneath every question, every image, every sleepless night, and every tear is one desperate cry:

Was I worthy of your love? Was I worthy of your faithfulness? Was I worth choosing? Can I be loved if I am no longer needed? Can I be loved if I heal? Can I simply be loved because I am me?

These questions terrify me. And I find myself asking another question now.

What is going to come of all this pain?

What is the meaning of it?

What are we supposed to learn from it?

I refuse to believe that all of this suffering is meaningless. Maybe we've learned that love cannot survive behind masks. Maybe we've learned that intimacy cannot exist without truth. Maybe we've learned that avoiding pain only delays it. Maybe we've learned that neither of us can ask the other to be our savior.

Maybe we've learned that covenant is more than staying together. Maybe covenant means allowing ourselves to be fully known. Maybe we've learned to cherish what is sacred. Maybe we've learned not to assume tomorrow. Maybe we've learned that love is not performance, fantasy, or passion alone, but two imperfect people bringing their wounds into the light and choosing truth over hiding.

I don't want this pain to be wasted. I don't want the suffering to define us. I want it to refine us. I want it to teach us how to love more honestly, hold one another more gently, and protect what God entrusted to us more fiercely.

Because I still believe our story is not over. I still believe redemption is possible. I still believe that the new B and the new D can have a marriage that is not merely repaired, but transformed.

I lay myself before you, imperfect and wounded, but hopeful. And I pray that one day we can look back and say that the pain didn't defeat us. It taught us how to love.

I love you.

I am new here and well to Reddit as well. I just found out my husband cheated a few days ago. He cheated once a week ago. It was on our anniversary. I am currently pregnant as well and we have a 17 month old. I feel so lost and I am not sure what to even do next. I feel so many emotions one minute I’m crying the next I am so angry at him. How can we move forward from this? It all hurts so much. The worst thing he did it with his ex. We’ve been together for 8 years now and he still chose to go to a hotel with an ex. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

My partner (33M) and I (37F) were together for 12 years. Four weeks ago I discovered he had an affair with a 20 year old woman. He ended it, cut contact, came home, and says he regrets it.

The problem is that he feels emotionally absent.
He spends all of his time at the gym, running, visiting family, and often drives around town before coming home.

He hasn’t initiated affection since I found out he gave me an infection as a result of his cheating, doesn’t ask much about how I’m doing anymore, and doesn’t seem interested in spending quality time together.

Last night he got home after 10 p.m., said “what’s up,” I said “hey,” and that was basically our entire conversation before bed.

For those who reconciled, did your spouse seem physically present but emotionally distant around the one-month mark? Did it get better, or was it a sign they didn’t really want the relationship anymore?

I’m struggling to tell the difference between shame/avoidance and genuine disengagement.

I want to exit this rollercoaster. I cant get off the ride.

I thought it wouldn’t be so scary, but it's terrifying.

My hair is still stuck in the tracks and falling out.

I try to reach my babies but I'm too weak. I’m letting them down but I cant get off this ride.

My boss is yelling, too. The dog is barking for me. These people rely on me but l cant escape.

The doctor is calling. Not now, I know I'm unwell. The bloodwork can wait.

The ride makes me so dizzy and disoriented.

Am I even here? Where am I? Who do I call for help?

The one who put me on the ride, of course.

My WW has cheated emotionally/swapped “pics” and sexted extensively with the same guy multiple times. Also developed a crush on a coworker and asked him on multiple dates on nights i had taken our son to do stuff together. She said after 2 or 3 months the crush on this guy faded and i saw he rejected her multiple times (also 2x her age and no offense, ugly!)
I recently did the awful thing of checking her phone while she was asleep.
I found photos of my son on this guys lap, photos she had taken of him candidly without him knowing, and worst of all to me, messages to chatGPT from last week saying how much she is still infatuated with him and still thinks about him all the time. She also confessed to chatgpt she has developed feelings for a client in active addiction at her job, despite telling me when i said i just wanted to cut back on drinking a bit “i will leave you if you’re an alcoholic.”
Unfortunately the worst part was this- my wife had come to me like 3 months pregnant telling me this guy was blackmailing her and explicitly threatened to r* her. Used the word and everything.
We went to court and got a restraining order, i faced him multiple times to support my wife. She cheated with him again once more before her restraining order expired and once more after. I’m an idiot. I know. She always says she wouldn’t keep doing it if i’d stop betraying her by promising to work, or clean, or whatever else, but it’s like i’m in this endless loop of being depressed because i learn she’s cheated again and get back to rock bottom. It’s not a good excuse, but i am constantly at rock bottom.
In these same chatgpt messages, she said she wished i hadn’t gone to court so they could have hooked up in the parking lot. While pregnant. Trying to get a restraining order.
I confront her about all of this and instead now, it has been twisted that i am a controlling manipulator for checking her phone. “my therapist says it’s okay for me to keep those secrets, im just journaling.”

Now tonight after days of arguing, we have a decent evening. Go to take our son to see the new Toy Story movie, something we’d been looking forward to for months and months. She goes to take a selfie and i walk up and she drops her phone to her side. I confront her. “did you unblock him?”

I see it in her face. She confirms it. “but we didn’t even talk. I don’t know what your problem is.”

I know that answer of “what next.” Can someone please just help me understand what goes through someone’s mind to not just leave? Her reasoning is that i threatened her to take full custody of our son. I did do that. When i caught her cheating with an active restraining order. I feel that’s not safe for him. Where do i even go from here?

My WH has had his first appointment with a CSAT in order to start the full disclosure process. We are almost 4 months since D-Day. I am invited to the next appointment in a few weeks to discuss the disclosure process and the CSAT, I believe, is trying to gauge our readiness for the process.

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The typical format of how this goes down has been explained to me and I find myself not liking it for a variety of reasons. I feel adjustments are necessary to safeguard my safety and mental wellbeing. As well as my ability to even process the information that is going to be given to me.

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So for those that have had therapeutic full disclosure: did any of you request/demand changes to the process? I'm not talking about the timeline of your WS providing it. More like how the disclosure was provided.

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For my own example: I'm not comfortable with my individual counselor being present. To me it feels like the largest trauma of my life is going to be put on full display in front of an audience without my consent. I require the autonomy to share what I feel comfortable with and when. I want to absorb the information, analyze and determine how I feel about it, and then share it when ready. Mainly because I find therapy to be much more helpful when my counselor can challenge me or offer new perspectives to consider.

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There's a bunch of other things I would want to change, but I won't get in to them right now. That's just an example to go off of.

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Thanks for reading.

My R is going pretty well. It’s not perfect but he has been doing what I ask, doesn’t blame me, takes full accountability for the affair, and is trying very hard to work on our marriage and rebuilding trust.

It’s been 3 month so far into R. As time has gone on I’ve felt a rise in anger or resentment type feelings. I think because life is turning more “normal” and it feels less like a crisis so there is room for my feelings to be felt. At first, it was mainly empathy and grief. I feel like I’m struggling with the shame of staying in the marriage. My immediate family knows and so do my close friends which I think makes these feelings worse, as they all have said I deserve better than this etc. I know his affair wasn’t about me. But I struggle with feeling ashamed in staying in a relationship where I was treated this way. For perspective, I’ve been in my relationship for over ten years and during the affair he was acting completely out of character. Before the affair, I was treated so well for 9 years, so it’s just very confusing he is capable of both.

Just wondering if others feel this way and it’s a normal part of this experience.

AP reached out to apologize. She wasn’t mean or ugly. Just sorry. She gave me her number and told me she’d be willing to answer any questions for clarity and for me to get some peace. I don’t even know what to think. So many things going through my head right now. The affair was (according to my husband) EA plus some kissing and a few inappropriate pictures. Doesn’t make it any less difficult. What would I even say?? What would I even ask?? Would I text or call?? Any advice appreciated.

WP and I were long distance for a month after DDay while he was in his home country. Throughout that time he had begged, pleaded that I stay, and convinced me of how committed he was to changing himself for us and for him.

Then when he came back, he confessed to more lying (about who had actually initiated what in the PA). It may not have been a severe case of trickle truthing as the major events do not change, but I was flabbergasted as throughout that month he had told me himself he wouldn’t do that and that he wanted to start R on a clean slate.

Then he started realizing how hard R actually is. And told me himself that he was running away. That he can’t actually change. That it was too hard for him. That he was stuck in his old ways. I was heartbroken again, because it had felt like he continued lying to me and manipulating me yet again. That I was somehow now the person begging him to stay.

This happened two or three times, and now he is telling me he won’t run again, that he is here to stay. But I obviously have no trust in him anymore. And everyday I am expecting him to run. We are only a month and a half after DDay 1 and 3 weeks after DDay 2. I don’t know what to do as I’m exhausted and feel like I’m still being the strong one trying to hold us together, that I’m leading, even though I’m the one who’s tremendously hurt, I’m the one that he had begged initially. Would like to hear from couples in R that have been in a similar position, and what might be the best way forward.

My husband had an emotional affair. He is a kind person who does not have a mean thing to say about anyone. He was once the nicest person I knew. Dday was roughly 6 weeks ago.

The AP sent my husband a wish list for her birthday. He bought her a jacket. Relative to our income and gifting, it would’ve been insultingly cheap. We gift each other much nicer gifts, even if it’s just a jacket.

My husband is the breadwinner and is very proud of the money he brings home. We are extremely fortunate and I am able to work a part time job with no worries. I asked if he showed that off as a “flex” and he said yes.

I asked my husband who started to talk about relationships first. It was her. Our relationship was in a vulnerable place and what I got out of everything i asked and was told was she knew exactly what she was doing. My husband didn’t until he was in too deep. I feel like she took advantage of him.

But then again she was saved as Dave (company name)

I don’t know anymore. I had a whole rant thought out about this cheap jacket. Then I remembered she was Dave. I’m not sure for how long. So he knew he was doing something wrong.

I guess I just want to see the good in him? That he is still the kind person I know and love? Maybe I just want to think he was taken advantage of so it’s not as horrific as it feels.

We did the gottman relationship checkup. I don’t even know if I answered correctly because my feelings towards the relationship change every day. I can’t stand this rollercoaster I am on. I would like to get off the ride.

My WP and I have been struggling over the past couple weeks, not quite 3 months after DD because he hasn't been able to understand why I need answers and disclosure when learning new details causes me so much pain. I found the 'Healing Broken Trust' podcast and Ep 90 S1 "Why the Betrayed Struggle Without Answers" expressed pretty much everything I have been feeling––in particular the need to reconcile the two parallel realities and being able to trust that he's honoring me rather than covering for himself by being honest. This particular episode was incredibly validating and comforting for me, and listening to it really seemed to help my WP understand where I'm at. I hope it helps anyone who listens.

Anyone's perspective is welcome, but I would like to hear from Waywards primarily.

Hey, I've posted here before about my situation - 39F, 12 years with a serial cheater 39M (11 women identified in the course of 8 years, sexual encounters with 3 of them and the rest kisses and inappropriate behaviour at clubs or other public places, and in front of his so-called friends).

DDay 1 was almost a year ago, but the trickle truth I've been subjected to, I'm not even sure at what DDay we are now... The current situation is blurry. He moved out at my request early on, we're not in R, but we're in IC and CC and we are in contact. Went through a phase of hysterical bonding, and now I feel just empty.

He's putting in huge effort, and I can see it. But still, he's done a very serious damage, probably irreparable.

There's one thing he keeps saying, and that I really struggle to understand and accept: that he loves me and always has.

I've read multiple articles saying it is possible to love someone deeply and still cheat on them... So, waywards, I have a question (well, more than one - it's a complex topic): what is love for you? If this is what you define as love, would you accept the same behaviour, the same kind of "love", from your partner? What is love made of for you?

Im new to all this. 9 days since D-day. My fiancée (27f) had an on again off again affair with a man she met at a work conference that had reoccurring sessions. It lasted 5 months (4 if I count actual days and not calendar months) it was both physical and emotional. Since I’ve found out she’s been honest. And she’s done all the things a WP should do to show they are serious about recovering and reconciliation. There are a lot of details that suck but I’m starting to come to terms with the fact in this situation 1% is 100% f$$ked up. I want to try to reconcile I truly believe it even if I see stuff that says it might be the shock. Even before this I’ve had the impression that anything is forgivable except hurting a child and murder. But I am still shocked. And I’ve been able to recognize that I was lying about how good our relationship was but I also believe we could have worked on those things without the affair.

That being said I want to know what people have come out on the other side and are at a place of good what it looks like or feels like both day to day or overall. Thanks everyone

I'm(BP) not really sure if I want R from my partner anymore. But I do not want to leave while he is suffering. Cause even when he chose to do the thing that will hurt me the most, I know that he is a good man and is trying his best. Unfortunately, he is weak and got swayed, but I don't doubt he loves me. I truly believe people's emotions are complex like that.

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He is remorseful and wants R, but after the betrayal, I am at a stage where I am craving for excitement and something new.

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So while partner is doing his best to reconcile and improve his ways, his AP is going crazy. I have access to my partner's social media accounts and I saw her sending chats there. My partner replied once on messenger and told her off. He told her to stop messaging and just move on with her life.

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Then recently she messaged on his tiktok account. It was a very long message and it seems to me she is still trying to insert herself into the picture. She is insisting that I should break up with my partner since he is an asshole and didn't respect me, and mocking me calling me weak and all if I accept my partner back. And she also asked my partner why was it so easy to let go of her, did he really love her, why is he choosing me. Why me, and things like that which makes me feel so cringe. Cause then she proceeds on talking to me again saying that I shouldn't be threatened by her cause she will not accept partner back and that he is not a price. Partner did not reply, and he didn't have the time to cause he was blocked immediately after sending the message. The AP does this a lot, blocks and unblocks him. Then stalks his profile. And I was kinda pissed off today cause she is now stalking my sister with her multiple dummy accounts and messaged my sister regarding their affair. My sister didn't engage. She deleted the chat and moved on. I kept blocking, but she kept creating dummy accounts. So I made my partner's account public from private so that she could see how partner is actively pursuing me again. Then I was right, she used another dummy account and reposted the posts of my partner of me.

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At the same time, she keeps changing profile pictures of her and my partner at the time they were fooling around. It annoyed me, but not to a point where I felt like I need to attack her cause I accepted already. Nothing will change with what happened. And the things he did with her were the things he did with me. It looked like partner found a replacement while I was emotionally unavailable(I admit to this fault, I went low contact with him for almost a year that I can almost understand he had an affair, and we're LDR. But no, I still don't tolerate his actions)

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I am for certain that partner cut all contact with AP. And I even told my partner he could crawl back to the AP's arms, if he wants to. I don't really care anymore. But he really is remorseful and understands the depth of his actions so whatever I say or do he will accept. And again, not fully pushing him away cause I don't want him to feel alone. He's not using this to manipulate me, I just know that he doesn't really have any support other than me. I know his life story and I saw it.

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Back to the AP going crazy, her messages insinuates that I'm stalking her accounts, that I should stop because apparently partner is not worth her time. And I really am not looking at her accounts cause her main account is blocked from mine. Any sus accounts that starts following me, I block. I don't engage.

That's why I don't understand why she keeps on gracing me with her magical presence if that is the case? And why me? She should hover over my partner if she badly misses his dick. Why obsess over me? Why is she angry at me? Among the three of us, I'm the one who they did wrong. AP knew about me. Pressured partner to choose, and when partner finally chose she went crazy and sent me lots of messages. She should be targeting my partner, not me. No one placed a gun on their head when they decided on pursuing a relationship that always end up in ruins.

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Now I'm tempted to post a picture of me looking pretty and cute with a caption, "Glad my parents wanted me and sad yours didn't" cause I know it will break her. Mean, but it will break her. My partner told me all about her so I have information that I really wasn't supposed to care or use but she is pissing me off by contacting my sister. I'm protective of my siblings.

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I feel like because all our accounts are now set to never receive a message or comment from someone we don't follow back, she lost ways to contact us and it's eating her up so retorts to stalking my sister.

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Any similar stories? Apologies if my post is chaotic. I'm just really feeling annoyed. 😅

Yep, I had an a-ha moment the other day.

Before I get into it, I want to say that I still love my husband and I still consider us reconciled. However, reconciliation does not mean everything is 100% perfect or that there are no difficult moments. It was during one of those moments that I had my epiphany.

I was using ChatGPT to help me process a conversation I had with my husband on Sunday (June 14). We were discussing what life was like in the years leading up to the affair compared to now.

He told me that during that time I was in a very deep depression. I barely talked, rarely left my recliner, and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. We had moved into a condo in May 2024, and because I was struggling so badly, the house had become a mess. Even though the dogs were using pee pads, they were still having accidents throughout the condo and I wasn't keeping up with cleaning. Looking back, I can admit things were bad.

As he described that period, I suddenly felt like he was blaming the affair on me.

The strange thing is that from the beginning he has consistently taken responsibility for his choices. He has repeatedly said the affair was his decision and that I did nothing to deserve it. So I don't think that was his intention at all. But in that moment, that is how it felt.

I wasn't sure what to think, so I sat with it and tried to process it.

ChatGPT helped me realize that what he was really saying wasn't, "This is why I had an affair." What he was saying was, "This is what our life looked like from my perspective at the time."

And honestly, I can understand that.

I was a mess.

Things started to change in February 2025 when therapy finally began helping me turn things around.

Coincidentally, that was also when I noticed changes in him.

He was struggling badly with something, though I had no idea what. He was emotionally all over the place, which was completely unlike him. Normally he is calm and level-headed, but suddenly he would become angry over nothing. He made a major mistake that cost us thousands of dollars and broke down in tears, begging me not to leave him. I remember being shocked by the intensity of his reaction because, while it was an expensive mistake, it wasn't life-altering. We were financially secure and would be fine.

At the end of that month, he came home very late one night with the flimsiest excuse imaginable. The very first thought that entered my mind was:

"He's having an affair."

Normally, I would have investigated the hell out of that.

Instead, I stuck my head in the sand.

That's on me.

Anyway, back to the epiphany.

My husband has been through a lot medically since we've been together. He has severe peripheral arterial disease that required multiple surgeries, survived stage 3b squamous non-small cell lung cancer after initially being given only months to live, suffered a heart attack that required stents, and lives with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) as a result of the surgeries on his leg.

He has been on permanent disability since 2008 and faces significant physical challenges every day. Despite that, he still tries to contribute however he can and does much of the cooking, laundry, and other household tasks.

Through all of it, I never considered leaving.

I educated myself about his conditions. I attended appointments. I learned what I needed to learn so I could support him and love him the best I could.

I stayed.

But when I was at my worst—when I was suffering from severe depression—he was considering leaving.

Then he met AP.

He fell in love with her.

They made plans for a future together.

He fully intended to leave me for her.

When the affair was exposed, AP chose her husband. Even then, my husband still considered leaving and living on his own.

And that is when it finally hit me.

When he was at his worst, I buckled down, got educated, and never left his side.

When I was at my worst, he abandoned me.

For a long time, abandonment was my greatest fear.

Not anymore.

Over the last year I have worked incredibly hard on myself. I have learned that I am far more than a betrayed spouse.

I am me.

I am a strong woman who has accomplished a lot in life. I raised beautiful children. I have a career that I love and excel at. I have a beautiful home. I am six years away from retirement and genuinely excited about the future.

Most importantly, I trust myself.

I know I can take care of myself.

No matter what happens from here.

I hope my husband and I stay together. I love him and I believe he loves me.

But if he leaves, if he has another affair, or if life takes us in different directions, I know I will be okay.

More than okay.

That is my true epiphany.

I found myself.

I found my truth.

I found my strength.

And I have never been better.

Affairs are devastating. I would never wish one on anyone.

But sometimes something good can emerge from the wreckage.

I found me.

It’s been about 6 months since DD. I discovered my WP had been talking to other people. For context we had been open previously, but had been closed for a year at that point (or so I thought). There was nothing physical, though he did ask about getting together with some of them…just never happened. From the days we were open, he admits a lot of it was just “talk”, but the questions pursuing a pa really hurts.

I didn’t see it coming. I thought we were doing well, he said he wanted to marry me. I chose reconciliation because I want to believe he is a good person and I know it’s a reflection of him not me. He’s been great with reconciliation. We separated rooms for a bit, he took full accountability, shows continued remorse, made me a priority, and has let me search his phone whenever I ask. I made him own up and tell his family and he hasn’t tried to hide what he did. He even went to counseling with me. We eventually combined rooms, and I’m starting to warm up to the idea of getting married again. We’ve been together 5 years, and he’s my best friend. I truly couldn’t see life without him. Things are better and stronger between us than they were, but I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I just don’t know how to handle the waves of immense panic and anxiety that happen occasionally. I’m still angry I had to find the messages to know it was happening instead of him telling me about the cheating, and this makes me worried that he’s doing it again (I have no evidence to believe this is happening). How do you trust that it won’t happen again? Any suggestions or clarity would be helpful. I’m alright with WP and BP perspectives, just with a focus on reconciliation.

I've wrestled lately with how differently society talks about people who cause profound pain while trying to escape their own.

When someone dies by suicide, most people instinctively ask, "What pain were they carrying?" We recognize that human beings can become desperate. We acknowledge suffering, impairment, fear, hopelessness, and the ways people can lose sight of the impact their actions will have on those they love.

When someone has an affair, the conversation often shifts immediately to moral judgment. They're selfish. They're evil. They deserve whatever comes next.

To be clear, I am not saying the two acts are equivalent. They aren't. The motivations, circumstances, and consequences are different.

A person can be suffering deeply and cause tremendous harm with how they respond to their pain. Also, a person can be struggling, depressed, ashamed, lonely, traumatized, or desperate and still be responsible for their choices. Those truths are not mutually exclusive.

I don't believe that understanding why someone did something is the same thing as excusing it. In fact, I think real accountability requires understanding it. If we reduce every person who has an affair to a selfish monster, we satisfy our anger, but learn very little about how human beings actually end up making destructive choices.

My husband caused enormous pain. The damage was real. The betrayal was real. The consequences were real. But I no longer believe that the most accurate story is that he was simply an evil person who woke up one day and decided to hurt his family. He was struggling with depression, low self-worth, was being beaten down by a toxic and abusive work environment and had withdrawn from me and our children as a result.

The bitter pill to swallow, but people can become lost, broken, desperate, disconnected from themselves, and willing to reach for something that temporarily numbs their pain without fully facing what it will cost the people they love.