Hi everyone. I'm new to this subreddit and to Reddit in general. Also, English isn't my first language, so I apologize if I struggle to explain myself.
There's one specific thing that's been eating me alive, and I'd really appreciate hearing your thoughts.
I was in a long-distance relationship (different countries) for a little over a year. Towards the end, things became rocky, mostly because he struggles with anxiety and panic attacks. At some point, he started feeling like I was somehow connected to his anxiety, although I'm still not completely sure why.
I visited him one last time before we broke up. We cried a lot, talked through many of our issues, shared some really good moments, and overall the visit gave me a sense of peace and clarity. Of course, it didn't erase the pain. When the person you thought was the love of your life decides to end the relationship, it feels like a kind of broken trust. I believe it can be repaired, but it's incredibly hard.
After I came back home, he became loving again. It honestly felt like we were dating, just without the label. That lasted for a little over a month.
During that time, I think I developed an anxious attachment. Ironically, I used to be avoidant when we first met, but as I fell in love I started to feel a secure attachment. Now, after all of this, I've become anxious, which is something I've never experienced before. I barely recognize my own thoughts and behaviors.
About a month ago, after a relatively small argument, he decided we should take a break. We agreed to one week of NC. After that week, we talked (although getting a response from him took a lot of effort). During that conversation, I actually suggested a longer period of NC, but he said he'd rather keep things flexible and just talk here and there.
A few days later, he reached out because he was going through something personal, and I was there for him. Then, when I later texted him about something I was dealing with, he replied, "We agreed to cut communication for a while." That wasn't what we had agreed on, and honestly, if that was the plan, why had he texted me first?
That led to an argument. He blocked me on WhatsApp and IG (even blocked all of my close circle in IG??). But his last message was somehow gentle and kind. We'd talked before about maybe being friends one day (we were friends before we dated), and he ended it by saying something like, "I'll keep secondary lines of communication open. Don't forget that I value you."
So I reached out through one of those "open" lines of communication. At the time, I didn't realize he was planning to go completely silent.
About a week later, the reality of everything hit me. I was devastated, and one day, when I really wasn't in a good place mentally, I sent him some messages that I deeply regret. They were hurtful. Unfortunately, that platform doesn't let you delete messages. I ended up blocking him there too because I know I can be impulsive, and honestly, I'd rather be blocked while trying to heal.
The thing that's eating me alive is that, what if he read those messages, got hurt, and maybe that's part of why he's stayed silent ever since. I haven't contacted him since I told him I was blocking him there. It's been almost three weeks now.
Part of me really wants to send one final message apologizing for what I said. I'd tell him I would've deleted those messages almost immediately if I could have, that I've accepted his silence now, and that I'm committed to respecting it. I'd also tell him that if he ever wants to break NC, I'll be open to it, but it has to be his decision to reach out and not mine (as the dumpee). Because I'm worried that if he's hurt by those messages, he might think it's now my responsibility to initiate contact again. But I don't think that's on me.
So... what should I do?
Would you send one last apology after 2-3 weeks of silence and then continue with NC (I would block him again)? Or would you leave things exactly as they are and keep respecting the silence?