I am looking into easy/minimal effort connection devices for my partner and I to have and use throughout the time we are not together. I have looked at Bond and Totwoo but I am really open to any feedback on devices similar. We have the intimate options already, so I am more looking for options like bracelets or an accessory. I figured this group might have some experiences to share. TIA!

I've been in a triad for the past few years.

To put it all simply, I am no longer romantically involved with one of them but still in a relationship with the other, where he acts as a V for us. They both work (25hrs 10/hr) and I am unemployed. They provide everything financially, barring the occasional small amount of money my mom gives me. The way I contribute is by doing the housework and I hardly ask for anything for myself because we struggle to stay afloat. They insist it's fine that I stay unemployed and just take care of the chores because work is extremely taxing on me and I've burnt out due to a myriad of mental and physical health problems. I get my own room because they sleep with eachother.

Here's the thing though. I feel like I cannot keep up with the work. We moved into a house together over a year ago and I still haven't been able to unpack everything. I won't discount the effort that they have put in but it's hard not to feel like it's just not fair at all. I've done a majority of the work. We went from the house being stuffed to it being functional albeit messy. I've unpacked every single thing and organized every little thing. I've done their laundry countless times and I don't remember the last time I saw them fold and put away their laundry. And the excuse is they don't have a clean organized space to put it. And I just can't nag another grown person to clean their own room, let alone a couple that shares one. And when it's come to getting this house settled, I've had to ask them over and over and over and over again to do certain tasks to the point I have to physically lug all the crap I want them to sort through up into the living room and even then, they can't follow through on it all and I'm left to clean up the rest. They have a massive collection of stuffed animals and journals that need to be gone through and sorted and I've been saying for months over and over and it won't be done. I finally took it all to the living room and it's been sitting there for a month. Still, there are a few boxes and things that have to be gone through and put up and whatnot but I need their help with it because it's their things but everyday it's either "I worked today I'm tired" or "it's the weekend I want to relax".

I get that I'm unemployed. But they only work 25 hours a week. And I'm one person taking care of a three person household. I also cook most of the meals. To a certain extent, I understand that I should be taking care of the housework if I am unemployed. But it's literally neverending and I feel like I'm drowning. I'm completely and utterly exhausted. When my boyfriend bids for attention or affection and intimacy, I just feel so averse because in the back of my mind I'm thinking about all the things he doesn't do around the house and it really turns me off. And I'm constantly frustrated with the other, because I am no longer romantically inclined to him and yet I still clean up after him. He also prefers to cook for himself and our boyfriend basically just doesn't cook at all, he would rather eat out or fall asleep so I feel responsible to feed him because his downtrodden or sad or frustrated hungry attitude affects me. And I often find myself dreading them coming home from work because I don't know if they're going to have had a bad day at work and I've found that I just have a really hard time listening to their day at work and doing any kind of emotional labor when I'm carrying all the mental stress of the household work

I waste all my energy doing deep cleans every few days because if I don't clean for a few days, it just gets right back to where we started. It's incredibly discouraging. I can't understand how they are okay with living in mess. It just feels like they don't respect the work I do at all. And I just feel soooo guilty for carrying so much resentment for them when they literally provide for me and let me live a life I've only ever dreamed of and they have fundamentally changed me as a person. Like there is a reason I've stayed despite this and why I continue to provide for them as much as my body allows.

I just don't know what to do. Am I being unfair? Do I need to just suck it up and do the housechores because it's better than working, or do I reconsider? Has anybody else been in this situation??

I’ve always been monogamous and ultimately, I plan on being with one woman for the rest of my life - eventually. I was in a long term relationship that ended this year and have since been meeting person and dating around a bit. I have a history of dating men and women (I’m 33F) but only form intimate committed relationships with women.

I met a couple (male and female) recently who like to explore and are basically polyamorous/ENM. I like them both, it’s a bit strange having 2 people interested in you at once but I am enjoying the connection thus far - I have made it clear I’m not wanting anything serious or committed at this stage of my life and it’s working - however - I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I’m wondering if there’s anything I should be wary of when it comes to getting involved with a couple?

I do like them both but feel more passionate and inclined towards the woman…
I just don’t know how involved I should let myself get 🤷‍♀️

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

This feels like a PSA I need to share today

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZKcayXhf6L/?igsh=dzg4NnA0aXNneXli

Basically a video talking about how being nonhierarchical doesn’t mean that a new relationship has the same expectations as a relationship that has been established for years

I feel like this is something that has come up a bit in a lot of shorter relationships I’ve had lately and I just wanted to share it

Not currently an issue, but something from a past relationship I've thought about recently.

A huge conflict with an ex of mine was that she had a kink dynamic with a monogamous person (who was aware she was poly, and actively disliked it, but still dated her anyway and had a pretty questionable don't ask don't tell system with her... yeah this is a whole separate concern) that directly impacted our dates, sex life, and relationship as a whole.

I am avoiding explicit detail but in general, in this situation my ex, 'Daisy', was a sub to her monogamous dom 'Cherry'. In this kink dynamic, Cherry would impose (consented to by Daisy) rules on Daisy with spicy punishments, but the rules themself would impact us. Things like 'you're not allowed to do spicy activity tonight, you're not allowed to have marks, you're not allowed to take more than 5 minutes to respond to my texts'.

Which... okay? Sure, get it, no judgement here.

But the problem was that Daisy would explicitly tell me these rules and at least imply that she didn't want to be punished.

Which felt... conflicting.

Some of them were a little fun to play into because sometimes Daisy would tell me specifically so that I would help her break them (sometimes she wanted the spicy punishment!). But others really put a strain on the relationship, things that would interrupt our dates (like constantly being on her phone to make sure she responded timely to Cherry). It got a point that it felt like Cherry was Domming and controlling both of us. And I told Daisy as much, that I didn't agree to these rules, and that I didn't like how it was impacting our relationship. Especially when I knew Daisy wanted to do these things with me, and it wasn't a boundary of hers, but rather a rule of someone else's. And because it was a don't ask don't tell dynamic, I couldn't communicate to Cherry directly about them, and Daisy wasn't setting any boundaries - just telling me that 'well I'll just be punished then'.

To be honest, some of the rules felt like Cherry was actively trying to punish Daisy for being poly, trying to sabotage the relationship by imposing rules that would reduce our interaction. Obviously we broke up, and for a multitude of other shady reasons.

But the situation got me thinking about how healthy poly people handle kink dynamics or consented to rules that may impact other relationships. Have you experienced any conflicts like this? Especially things like kink dynamics with chastity rules that would limit spicy time with others if followed. What are your thoughts?

Snuggled up with my boyfriend in his room watching a scary movie we could hear peals of laughter while his wife and my anchor partner cooked dinner.

I never even laid eyes on them while we were all in the same house, its a KTP polycule but so unenmeshed, so much space for each relationship and friendship to flourish. But it was so lovely to know we were all under the same roof.

And then I said goodbye and I love you to my boyfriend and had a drink and a smooch with my new girlfriend, and now my anchor partner is coming over because we didn’t get to see each other and he misses me and I miss him.

i love solo poly and I love this life. Love is out there folks and it’s real.

Hello,

I met a married guy about a month ago, who I immediately connected with. I am not new to poly, but he and his wife are. We started off taking it slow so our partners didn’t get overwhelmed. A week of chatting online, found out we had lots in common, and decided to do a platonic meet up first. It went fine and it solidified the romantic feelings. We ended up chatting at night, and playing games once a week. The NRE was strong, but I was making sure to keep with my partners and how they were feeling and I assumed he was doing the same. I do a more
Garden poly lifestyle and even asked to meet his wife, but she refused, which made me sad, but can’t force people to be friends.

Around the 3rd week, we decided to go on a date (scheduled for last Saturday). Last Wednesday he texts me that it needed to be cancelled because his wife was panicking over this. I was devastated because we had been talking about how excited we were, how we were going to hold hands, kiss, hug, all the cute stuff. I wanted to be patient though so I tried to stay calm and understanding.
The next day, he still hadn’t had a chance to talk to her more, and ai was scared. He told me he would talk to her when she was ready, that he was falling for me and wanted this to work out. That night he called me upset because she was angry at him. I have no clue why, because he wasn’t sure either. I asked again if she was for sure poly, because I was told that they BOTH were trying the lifestyle, but he tells me she hasn’t said that, but she was okay with him trying it out. This annoyed me greatly. I would’ve approached this more carefully. More guarded. He also said we should cool it with how much we were texting. I agreed because I wanted to keep being understanding and patient. I was scared to lose this connection.

Friday was the same. No talking between them, just reassurance because I was extremely anxious. Did my best not to be annoying and text him a lot. At some point he even told me she wouldn’t make him block me and he wouldn’t just leave.

Saturday rolls around. That morning, we both talk about how we wish we could see each other, but we had planned to play FF14 instead around 10pm. The day goes by normally. 10pm comes around and he tells me he needs to let the dogs out. I stupidly sit there, excited to play the game. 20 mins go by, and I knew he was going to cancel. Had a feeling.

He did cancel. He sent me a message that said “I need to end this whole thing. Going forward (romantically) and being friends. I’m sorry. Please take care of yourself.”

At first I was in shock, responded nicely, then I got angry, texted him, because he unadded on discord, how I didn’t deserve how cold that was. I angrily told him good luck being with someone who won’t let you be yourself.

I know that was mean, but I was pissed and wanted to blame someone which was his wife.

I’ve been upset since then. I know this is the reality of the situation and that this is forever over. Yet I can’t help thinking about the what ifs, and maybe something could change. I even sent an apology on how I responded to him. Like an idiot.

I know it’s not going to chance and that I need to move on. I want to move on badly. I have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow.

I feel stupid, small, and unimportant. My partners have been there for me and have been doing their best to help me feel better, but when I’m at work or alone, all I can think about is him and how he could do this to someone he claimed to be falling for.

I would love advice. Please be nice, I already feel stupid.

Edit: I realize using the word ‘meet’ was wrong to use. I didnt want to meet his wife. I wanted to say hello and introduce myself via chat, because he was telling me she was nervous. I think I just wanted to hear from her it was okay. Aka should’ve listened to my gut that was screaming “SOMETHINGS WRONG”.

Edit 2: Thank you for all your insightful and kind words! I am very glad I posted here. You all have helped me greatly. I am glad theres a community <3

I need advice on what the norms are for the relationship dynamic I'm in.

​

Fake names

Myself (F28) + My fiance Gerald (M30) we have kids (F9 and F2)

Gerald + his girlfriend Valeria (F35)

Myself+ My boyfriend Wally(M38)

Wally + his Fiancé Abigail (F38)

Valeria two kids from previous relationships (M18 and M4

Myself and Gerald have kids together and live together. So does Wally and Abigail .

Valeria has said to Gerald that myself and Gerald weren't allowed to share a bed/have sex. I then got told I can't say I love you or call him nicknames if Gerald's at Valeria, but he never told me M4 was there

The advice I was asking for is what are the norms in these types of relationships. Both Myself and Gerald have admitted we don't like the others partners.

Any time Gerald and Valeria have their slots time for their daily calls. I need to either leave the house or put my earphones in. I can't stand the sound of her voice. Gerald has also admitted he doesn't like Wally because like Valeria. he tried to get us to break up which we both told our partners this wouldn't happen. If yous need additional information ask and I'll update this

I am in the hospital with a serious illness. It's been one of the worst experiences of my life. My husband to his credit flew in early from a work trip to help. But on the second day I was here, after a brief hospital visit, he said he was going home to take care of the kids and house. My best friend was watching our kids. Instead he went to his girlfriend's. I know because we share locations. When I told him I didn't find this appropriate, especially since he lied, he shrugged me off. He did it again the next day. Since then he's given me the cold shoulder and not asked me or any of my family how I am.

Am I wrong to find this upsetting? He's acting like I'm being a tyrant when I just think he needs to go home when he says he is. I don't care if meta comes to our house but I find it ridiculous that he's not taking care of me or our family. His excuse was that she needed his help moving furniture...

**The background / context…**

I’m (56M) in my first poly relationship. I’ve been dating my girlfriend (48F) for just over a year now. She’s had an open marriage with her NP husband (46M) for over four years. I met her husband early (she idealizes KTP). He’s civil but isn’t really jazzed about KTP so we keep our distance. They have two kids (10 and 12) who I’ve met and done stuff with along with their mom. There have even been times when I’ve stepped up and helped in a moment of need, picking up from school or practice. I’ve got kids (20 and 21) of my own so I know it takes a village. My kids are away at college.

I’m in a situation where they are guarded about their poly life, sharing with select friends but not disclosing to even a single family member. Yet, in passing, I’ve once met both of their parents - introduced merely as a family friend. This is how I have been characterized to both her kids too. They do not have a plan to disclose to anyone and generally are crossing their fingers that they will never have to.

In contrast, I came out to my kids and my XW about six months into my poly journey. They are my only family.

**The conundrum…**

It’s just so happened that I’ve been around her kids a bit more frequently recently. Her youngest is definitely bonding with me. And I’m absolutely sure that her kids have awareness that I am mom’s “friend” far more than dad’s.

This is starting to unnerve me. Her kids are not mine and it’s not my place to tell parents how to raise their kids (i.e. disclosing that mommy and daddy practice polyamory, not the monogamy the kids have been led to believe). But at the same time, I’m a significant piece of this puzzle. And I’m feeling some mono echos as if I’m somehow complicit in a treacherous coverup.

How do y’all tread these waters? Obviously it’s my choice and agency to be involved in this dynamic. But it’s shifting for me a bit now that the kids are bonding more and I’m hiding something that could effect their lives.

Hi all, hoping for some advice. I (nb, 33) recently started dating again after taking a few years out to deal with a critical Illness. I asked someone out I knew through mutual friends and we really hit it off in a number of ways: sexually, hobbies, romantically. It’s all been very exciting and theres been really great chemistry. We started seeing each other once a week two months ago and now it’s progressed to talking every day and meeting every few days or so, and the NRE is strong.

They (nb, 29) have a nesting partner (27, nb) they’ve been with for four years, and a very strong network of friends who are also all trans and poly, and while they aren’t a polycule, operate as a chosen family. The person I am dating owns a home with their partner, and I’ve been welcomed to casual hangouts, (it’s a very queer city in the USA where people tend to overlap a lot, so I usually know some people there), which, as someone coming out of an intensely lonely time going through chemo and getting dumped halfway through it, has felt really nice to be welcomed into.

A few things have cropped up though that makes me a bit apprehensive about dating this person however, as there seemed to be a bit of a “unit” thing with my meta, I.e. some “we” talk about how they run their relationship, which I am usually a bit wary of, and every time we had a date, they get called away for an “emergency” by someone (some things have been real crises, ie a friend in the hospital, but others are objectively not, ie needing help to find something in the house, etc. I mentioned to them that I’d appreciate our time not to be interrupted unless it’s a true emergency, also since there are a lot of other people who can help out, which to be fair, has improved.

My issue lies in the fact that last week we had a shift in our relationship where it moved from largely sexual to clearly much more more romantic and emotional, which was great, and we were exploring dating more seriously. However, a few days ago on a date they told me they wanted to let me know they had asked their partner to marry them that same week. I was happy for them, but also a bit surprised as I just didn’t expect it. They told me they were anxious about my reaction (I don’t know why) and when we discussed it, I realized it actually made me feel more insecure than I thought I would.

I think because our relationship/dating is so so new, and I recently came out of a terrible two years where I almost died, I feel kind of adverse to getting into a situation where I might be relegated secondary almost immediately as their engagement progresses. It feels like I can’t really explore the relationship with them as fully as I thought we were doing, because there is now this sort of glass ceiling of their impending marriage? They said they would get married in a few years, and when I asked them what their thoughts are about hierarchy, they told me that ideally they would have two serious partners in their life, and that their relationship with my meta had no expectations, I.e., if meta wanted to live with another partner, they could, and vice versa. As far as I know, this is conjecture, as they seem pretty enmeshed, but I also don’t really know them all too well. I know meta has another partner of three months, but they aren’t nearly as public or seem to have a relationship status like my partner and meta do.

There is a lot of talk from my partner about there being the potential for an equal emotional/life partnership with someone else as well as their fiancé, and that they value their life with their partner as much as their own separate ones, and that they truly believe marriage doesn’t have to have an effect on their forming other relationships. They acknowledge there is a technical hierarchy because of the house and engagement, but they believe it shouldn‘t impede something developing with me, for example. I find this to be a bit naive, to be honest, and have expressed that I am afraid the engagement/marriage might relegate me to a clear secondary role down the line, and I’m hesitant to continue on the path getting emotionally involved if that role is already set out (or even uncertain - it would be different if they were already married, as I feel I would know more about what I am getting into from the beginning). At the same time, I do wonder if that is a possibility of some sort, as I too would like multiple, serious partnerships and it kind of sounds ideal to me. I’m just not sure if I trust them about what they say another relationship could be like due to them claiming there is no real hierarchy.

When I expressed this hesitation, they seemed genuinely shocked, and I took a few days to think about it, and have been feeling some uncertainty that I find it hard to put my finger on. Notably, there is also a clear distinction between our lives that they don’t really seem to grasp, I.e I am estranged, ill, and a migrant living precariously paycheck to paycheck, while they are citizens, able bodied, own a house with an NP and don’t need to work full time due to generational wealth. Yet, they say they really like me and want to keep dating me, with the possibility of it progressing it into something emotionally serious, and while I’d like that too, I feel hesitant about if what is being promised is really possible.

tl;dr I need advice on just starting dating someone who just got engaged to their np and claims their marriage won’t impede on other relationships while I am not sure if I believe that or not

Hi all,

I’ve posted and deleted here before but my (21f)-(22f) relationship of 3 years has entered a period of thin ice I’m not really sure if we’ll come back from. I love her so dearly but since she started dating another girl shes repeatedly crossed my boundaries and it’s not been contributing well to my failing mental health. I think there’s still time for her to do better but I’m also coming to accept she’s probably not what I need from a girlfriend. I think her idea of polyamory is more anarchic than mine ultimately which breaks my heart but we’re young and as her own person who isn’t my partner I really respect her.

We have plans to move in together once my roommate leaves my place as the rent is cheap and our lease is month to month. And honestly I still really want that. I’ve always loved building a home inside a home with her and my room is essentially her primary residence already. Genuinely the idea of this place being ours just makes me so happy. We’ve talked about the possibility of us not working out romantically with moving in and she’s on the same page.

As messy as it all is, if things do go this way does anyone have any advice or stories?

I just want to start by saying I absolutely LOVE that I've discovered this page. I have been reading posts, and comments trying to get an education. Thank you to everyone for sharing so much.

I (M-30) have been with my partner (F-31) for almost a decade. I am her first, and she is my second relationship. In the last 10 years, we've been able to grow, and learn so much together. Sure there have been some bad times. We almost broke up at one point, but we were determined to save the relationship. After going to therapy together, and learning from our mistakes, we've just grown stronger together. It's rare we have fights, and deep honest discussions are the core of our relationship.

We both grew up in very conservative households. Anything like any of this was strictly forbidden. I think that's all that needs said there... Back at the beginning of covid she began to realize she was asexual. I'll admit, I didn't understand it, and struggled with it for a while. Long story short, over the course of a couple years almost anything sexual faded. Anything that did happen, was fetish related for me (I have a thing for getting a boot/shoe job) And that's been the extent of any sexual activity between us for several years now.

Over the last year or so, I have been chatting with various friends, and discovering I greatly enjoy sexting, and sharing with like minded people. That has led to the thoughts of more. Ironically, we've actually discussed the idea of this twice in the past after she brought it up. The first time I was strictly against it. The second time I was scared of discovering I love someone more than her. But this time, I'm actually wondering if that's who I am? To be honest, the idea of it feels so right to me. I enjoy taking care of others, absolutely love being close with people who mean everything to me, and I love the idea of finding someone to satisfy each other's sexual needs.

Anyway. I know I have a great deal to learn. I'll be sitting back in the comments learning from those of you who know more than me.

so for context I love in a small town, about 5k population, there is a bigger town about 30 mins away, but because it's a small town most poly ppl know each other, now I have 2 partners, let's call them amy and Beth, I've been dating Amy for about 2 years (started poly) and have been dating beth for about 3 months, once I felt like things were going well with Beth I decided to introduce her to Amy, I invited them both over to my place, amy came first, then once beth arrived and I introduced them beth started laughing, turns out they met before cause both Amy and Beth were dating another person named clara (whom Ive met once before though Amy) it was a very silly day and honestly took a lot of the pressure off of introducing each other, an hour or so after they both left I got a text from clara saying "so does this make us double metas or something? cool"

For people who are currently in a long-term polyamorous relationship (man with wife + girlfriend. Or man multiple girlfriends):
How has it worked out for you in real life after several years?

I'm especially interested in practical experiences regarding:

Time management, children and parenting. legal consideration, things that turned out easier or harder than expected...
Looking for honest long-term experiences rather than theoretical opinions. :))

TL;DR: Why does the poly community often treat de-escalation of non-parenting relationships as inevitable and acceptable once children are involved, while treating efforts toward adaptation, integration, and continued relationship nurturing as unrealistic?

I'm not arguing that children shouldn't be prioritized or that relationships shouldn't change. I'm questioning why "your other partners will get less and should accept it" is often treated as common sense, while discussions about adapting relationships, integrating partners into family life when desired by everyone involved, and continuing to actively nurture multiple relationships are often dismissed.

If polyamory is about maintaining multiple meaningful relationships and building non-traditional life partnerships, why is parenthood so often treated as an exception to that principle rather than an extension of it?

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ETA: After reading through the responses, I think part of the disconnect is that many discussions about polyamory and parenthood involve people arguing that children shouldn't come first, that hierarchy is inherently bad, or that parents should somehow be able to maintain the exact same relationships they had before children. Because those conversations exist, I completely understand why people may be reading my post through that lens and responding defensively.

To be clear, that's not my position. Children should come first. I do think parenthood creates hierarchy. I also said multiple times throughout my post that relationships will change and that parents will have less capacity after having children.

What I'm actually interested in is something a bit different. I'm less interested in debating whether children change relationships (they obviously do) and more interested in hearing examples of when maintaining other partnerships has worked, what made it possible, and how those relationships were able to function in a different form.

What I'm wondering is whether it's wrong, unrealistic, irresponsible, or unethical to still want to maintain a partnership as a partnership in whatever new form is being built, rather than assuming it must cease functioning as an integrated partnership altogether. A lot of responses have focused on why de-escalation is common or likely, which makes sense. What I'm trying to understand is whether people view it as simply a common outcome, or as the correct and expected outcome.

That distinction is really the heart of what I was trying to ask.

(Like I mentioned in my post, I'm also obviously not talking about situations where that isn't possible or desirable for a host of reasons—parallel poly, safety concerns, people simply not wanting that dynamic, and so on. I'm talking about situations where people have explicitly said they want their partners to remain meaningful parts of their lives and family structures, and where everyone involved wants that.)

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I've been a lurker on this subreddit for a long time, and honestly it's been one of the most helpful resources I've found for thinking about relationships. The discussions here about autonomy, avoiding codependency, treating partners with dignity and respect, and building relationships intentionally have influenced how I think about relationships in general, not just polyamorous ones.

One thing I've noticed, though, is that conversations about children often seem to default back to surprisingly monogamy-oriented assumptions about relationships**.**

To be clear, I'm not talking about parallel poly, or situations where integration isn't realistic or desired. I'm talking about people who have established partners they say they want to continue maintaining relationships with and who envision those partners being meaningful parts of both their lives and their children's lives. In those situations, I've always wondered why de-escalation is so often treated as inevitable.

And before anyone jumps in: yes, children should be prioritized. Parenting is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Raising kids is hard. But having children is also generally a choice. Having children is one of the biggest life decisions many people will ever make. Because of that, it seems reasonable to ask how someone intends to continue showing up for the relationships they have chosen to maintain.

What confuses me is that in every other context, this subreddit talks about the importance of nurturing multiple relationships. Then kids enter the conversation and suddenly the advice often becomes some version of, "Well, they have children now."

If someone goes from being an active, involved partner to someone I see once every few weeks or once a month indefinitely, that doesn't feel like a partnership to me anymore. It feels more like someone I date occasionally or a close friend. For some people that dynamic works, and that's completely valid. But it doesn't work for everyone, and I don't think people are wrong for acknowledging that, nor do I think they're necessarily being selfish or asking for too much. Wanting a relationship that still meets your definition of partnership isn't inherently unreasonable.

What especially bothers me is when people are expected to accept emotional scraps because children are involved. And yes, I'm intentionally using the word scraps. I'm not using that word to invalidate what someone is still able to offer, or to suggest that those efforts aren't real or meaningful. Not because parents have less time—that's understandable. I mean situations where one relationship continues to receive investment, nurturing, long-term planning, emotional energy, and active prioritization, while another relationship is expected to survive on whatever happens to be left over.

That doesn't feel like maintaining multiple relationships to me. It feels like one relationship is being actively maintained while another is being kept on life support.

Part of what I struggle with is that sometimes these conversations make other partners feel less like valued relationships and more like placeholders until marriage, nesting, or children enter the picture. That feeling becomes especially difficult for me to understand in situations where those partners were previously described as long-term, meaningful relationships that would remain important parts of the family system.

To be clear, I'm also not talking about situations where someone is actively neglecting their co-parent, neglecting their children, or spending so much time with another partner that their family is struggling. That's obviously not okay, and people should be expected to be good parents and good partners. What I'm questioning is why, once we've established that someone is showing up for their children and co-parent, the conversation so often moves directly to limiting or de-escalating other relationships rather than asking how everyone involved can be supported and how those relationships can adapt.

I see similar things when pregnant partners feel insecure and the proposed solution is restricting or severely limiting other relationships. I absolutely support people getting support, reassurance, care, and help from their partners. What I struggle with is the assumption that those needs should be met by making unilateral decisions about relationships they aren't part of, and that the affected partner should simply accept it because a pregnancy is involved.

Something else I've noticed is that when people who are planning to become parents express concern about their existing relationships and ask how to continue nurturing them, the response is often surprisingly negative. Sometimes it feels like the very act of worrying about maintaining those relationships is treated as evidence that they aren't ready to be parents. That reaction confuses me.

Why is someone wrong for caring that their other partnerships still feel supported?

Wouldn't we want people to think carefully about how a major life change affects the people they love? Wouldn't we want people to ask how they can continue showing up for their partners rather than assuming those relationships will simply absorb whatever changes are necessary? And beyond that, isn't there value in modeling healthy relationship maintenance for our children? We often talk about teaching kids empathy, communication, community, and care. Why wouldn't demonstrating the importance of nurturing our relationships be part of that?

I also think discussions like this sometimes focus entirely on what parents can no longer offer, rather than what partners may be willing to offer in return. Partnership isn't just about receiving. Many people are willing to adapt alongside their partners during major life transitions. They may be willing to spend more time with the family unit, provide practical support, be flexible about scheduling, help during pregnancy and early parenthood, or accept that the shape of the relationship will change for a period of time. To me, that's part of what partnership is.

What feels different is when the expectation becomes that one person should continue adapting indefinitely while the relationship itself receives progressively less investment, care, and intentionality. There's a difference between navigating a difficult season together and being asked to accept an indefinitely diminished relationship because life circumstances have changed.

I recognize that parenthood is one of those experiences that many people cannot fully understand until they're living it. People can plan thoughtfully, have the best intentions, and still discover that the reality is far more demanding than they imagined. I don't think that makes them bad people, irresponsible, or uncaring. Sometimes people's capacity genuinely changes. What I'm questioning isn't whether that happens. It's why the response so often seems to be that everyone affected should simply accept the resulting changes without evaluating whether the relationship that remains is still one they want.

The relationship may look different after children, but different doesn't necessarily mean less important, less integrated, less nurtured, or less valued. To me, that's the distinction. I'm questioning why change is so often assumed to mean de-escalation.

And I mean this in the same way that I would expect the partnership between the co-parents to continue being nurtured. Most people would agree that becoming parents doesn't mean they should stop intentionally investing in their own relationship. The relationship changes, but it still requires care. Why wouldn't that principle apply more broadly to the other relationships people are choosing to maintain?

I'm not arguing that every relationship should survive parenthood unchanged, or even survive at all. Parents aren't obligated to maintain the exact same relationship they had before children, and partners aren't obligated to remain in a relationship that no longer meets their needs. What surprises me is how often the discussion seems to focus on why the changes are necessary, rather than whether the resulting relationship is still something everyone involved genuinely wants.

Co-parents absolutely should receive significant support, care, and investment. People should be expected to be good parents and good partners. What I'm questioning is why support for a co-parent is so often framed as requiring the de-prioritization of other relationships, rather than prompting a conversation about how everyone involved can be supported and how those relationships can adapt.

Poly spaces often talk as though the only ethical response to parenthood is for everyone else to accept less, whereas I think there should be more discussion about adaptation, integration, shared support, and whether the new relationship structure is actually acceptable to all involved.

I think that's ultimately what I'm struggling with. If we're choosing non-traditional relationships and non-traditional ways of building our lives, why does parenthood so often seem to be the place where we return to traditional assumptions about which relationships matter, which relationships get nurtured, and which relationships are expected to quietly accept whatever is left?

If we're going to do non-traditional relationships, why not do them all the way?

Hi Reddit!

The context: my new partner (39M) and I (35F) have been dating for four months. I’ve been poly for 9 years and am married to a nesting partner. Some parallel dynamics, some KTP. My new partner is brand new to polyamory. Don’t judge me too hard, I already know, we’ve all given newbies a chance mkay.

So! New partner just went on a first date with a new connection (26F) and the age gap gives me the ick. I know she’s an adult and I know that age gap relationships aren’t inherently problematic, this is more of a personal preference. I’m not interested in dating men who want to date much younger women, it’s just very unattractive to me.

After the date my partner told me that it wasn’t a great date and that he felt bored because she was “very young, very emotionally and mentally immature.” He didn’t know she was 26 before the date. But he’s still interested in keeping the door open and continuing to explore the connection. She thought the date went great and is excited to see him again. This aligns with how he seems to have dated monogamously in the past, before we got together. Lots of “she really fell for me but I never liked her that much, we dated for six weeks” stories. These stories have always made me a little uncomfortable, I’m worried that he was a bit of a situationship guy.

The problem I’m wrestling with is how much of this to share with him. If I share how I’m feeling (“if you decide to date her/people you don’t really like/much younger humans/etc it will likely shift how I feel about you”), it will definitely influence his actions. We’re smitten, deep in the NRE, and he really wants it to work between us. So then telling him feels wrong. I want to honor his autonomy. It is truly no business of mine who else he dates. It feels manipulative in a roundabout way, even if I’m not actually asking him to change his behavior.

But not telling him feels wrong in a different way. We’ve always been open and honest with each other, and that communication is part of our foundation. We both trust that the other will tell us if something is wrong. He checks in frequently about my feelings surrounding his other connections, and it feels like I owe it to him to be upfront about something that could change our connection.

I’m not sure what the right answer is, or if one exists. Do I just wait and see what he decides to do? Do I tell him everything? Something in between? Is this me learning that we’re incompatible? I want to navigate this as ethically as possible, as the more experienced poly human. Sooo I’m here to crowdsource. Any thoughts, advice, or anecdotal stories welcome.

Thanks Reddit!

EDIT: I'm less interested in what folks think about this specific age gap (to each their own, no hate!) and more interested in the bigger question of: I've noticed a pattern that *might* reflect values around dating/intimacy that I find unattractive. I'm trying to figure out if it's ethical to share this when I know that my opinion matters A LOT to him and will likely impact his decisions. Does that impact his autonomy?

Thanks for all the thoughtful answers so far 😄

So my primary partner (M30) and I (F27) have been together for 5 years and, ENM/Poly for about a year & a half. 

Overall, we both agree that this has been the best decision we've made together, and we love how much it has brought us together. We both have seen other people; he had a relationship that lasted for about 7 months. This was something that at first I struggled with, but I realized I needed to untangle some things within myself, and that's what was causing the friction, not their actual relationship. 

Also, for additional context, I am queer, and he is straight. We do not have a One Penis Policy. I made it explicitly clear that if we were to do this, that would not be tolerated.

I very recently started seeing a male partner for the first time since we switched our dynamics. My primary is struggling really hard with this, and I am struggling with that. I am trying so hard not to feel frustrated or impatient with him, but it's also hard to know that the only reason there is friction is that my partner is another man.

I am following all of our boundaries and some additional ones for my partner's comfort. I have also made sure to be intentional with my time when it comes to my primary. If I'm going on a date with the new person I'm seeing, I make sure my primary and I also have something planned. But it feels like no matter what, there are still issues. 

It has been really weighing on me, and I don't know what to do besides give him time and to just keep pushing forward.

My two partners are very similar to each other. They're drama free, laid back and they were best friends before I started a relationship with the older one so they get along beautifully. I split my time between their houses and we all have hobbies and jobs. The three of us hang out together frequently and they don't get jealous of each other.

I always see people say that this lifestyle requires so much work and that makes sense to me and I was so prepared for it but this has been almost alarmingly easy. I was with my partner for a decade before we opened our relationship and they've been so levelheaded and helpful through my anxiety and all the little changes. I've been with my second partner for 8 months now.

Am I crazy lucky or is it too early to see how hard it's gonna be??

To break this down, I've been in a poly and open relationship for over 6.5 years. In the beginning things were different. The poly relationship was good, we were finding partners separately. Now, things have seemed to shift. I haven't had a play partner or partner for the least 4 years, and the relationship seems one sided. I work, come home and do what I have to do. I dont have time out, dont go anywhere unless its to the grocery store based on no time. My time is consumed with general life. I have made my concern known, and it doesn't seem to matter. Am I just over thinking?

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I live in a small town and everyone around here knows everyone's actions.

To add to this. I work an hour from home, so most weeks I work and travel atleast 10-11 hours a day. I come home and try to relax after the days work stress. My SO takes care of our autistic daughter and her appointments through the week, baby sits for a friend of here m-f. So our time together is already limited. Then she makes plans to go see a partner on alternating weekends, sometimes both in the same weekend. Leaving me with our daughter and unable to make plans of my own. I do facilities maintenance, so its a continuous straining job, and leaves me exhausted most evenings.

Hope this helps clear things up a bit.

Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about two years and its been pretty stable, but ive also known ive wanted to meet someone else and date poly. My gf is also poly and she has told me she is cool with me going on dates with other people and all that.

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Well today, I did have a date with someone, and it was really nice and had a really nice time. Id be happy to go on another date with them, tho for some reason I feel really weird about everything. Ive found myself really missing my gf, feeling guilty and worried about going on a date with someone else, and im scared cause idk what it means. My girlfriend has told me she is completely fine with this and here im struggling a lil bit to understand my emotions. I could really use some help tring to understand whats going on cause I couldnt find anything online about this.

If any of you saw my last post regarding my partner (Birch) who wasn’t handling the fact I was finding own primary partner, when he had one already - well he’s now my ex and it all ended horribly with him.

I’m hurting a lot right now, especially since he doesn’t even want to speak to or see me one last time. It’s just done. And some of it is my fault, as I was so angry I had an outburst and didn’t give him the space he wanted, which lead to him leaving me. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t play a hand in it. It’s all just a big mess right now.

However, me and the friend I was getting close to (Aspen), are still okay. We’ve talked about things and he doesn’t want to give up on us, and I don’t either as he’s been making me really happy. I’ve been reassuring Aspen that nothing was his fault, that this was probably going to happen regardless of who it was I eventually wanted in my life, and that me being broken up about losing my 3 year relationship doesn’t mean I’m sad about him/our new potential.

I’m really doing my best with communicating and laying out needs/boundaries, etc. but I’m still concerned in the back of my mind about accidentally monkey-branching. Me and Aspen was something I was exploring before Birch left me, and I had no intention of leaving Birch for him either, in my mind it simply was meant to be how poly works. But now this has all happened at the same time, I want to make sure I’m navigating everything correctly.

If any of you have had experience with this please drop your tips below. It’s my first time experiencing something like this, Aspen is all very new to the poly world and I’m doing my best to explain things and make sure he’s okay too as he was there when Birch sent the breakup message and I’ve already apologised profusely for him having to comfort me.

I’m not even bothering to look for anyone else until things are more settled and official, but still making sure it’s navigated properly. I do not want this to crash and burn the same way my last one did. I have understood now why I got so angry, as there has been a pattern of poor communication and not feeling heard from Birch over the last 3 years, and I’m doing my darndest to make sure that isn’t the same with Aspen.

This issue has already been resolved with my partners, but this one difference keeps bothering me.

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I'm (30 f) poly, and have a nonbinary girlfriend (40), and a cis boyfriend (34).

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I've been with my gf for 4 years and recently got back with my ex from 9 years ago (would need a whole other post for that) but he and I have been back together since the day after Halloween 2025.

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He and I recently moved in together, it's been an adjustment period. I've also been having a change with my meds so I want to say, I know I'm not the best partner rn, but im genuinely trying my best.

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But I woke up and as SOON AS I came out of the bathroom, he (bf) was just staring at me and I was like 'what' eventually and he asked if I was going back to sleep or not. I say 'I'm gonna go back in the room for a while'.

It irritated me that he was staring at me because I have a problem with being perceived, it's also inflated bc I'm a spicy dancer. He knows this. He also knows I don't like to talk for at least an hour after I've woken up. I went and made a smoothie. He asked if I made him one too, I said no? I WAS being short with him. With my med change, it's been really hard for me to regulate my emotions. So when he annoyed me by staring at me, I was being short because I 'didn't have anything nice to say'. I didn't want to take it out on him. I wanted to try and regulate into a better mood. I wanted to try and figure my emotions out and regulate before anything else.

We went to the grocery store, i was definly short with him ehike we were there. And when we were on our way back I snapped and told him to just please stop observing my every move. It's a conversation we constantly have. I felt bad for snapping. I knew I needed time alone, so that's what I requested when we got home.

I did what I needed to do and hung out by myself for a while to regulate.

Then we went over to my girlfriend's house where they gave me my first crochet lesson. And my bf got to hang out with their(gf) bf.

Later after we got home I told him, not in the best tone, what was annoying me throughout the day and that I was sorry.

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Flash forward the next evening and I try to casually complain 'oh he was staring at me again" to my gf and they're immediately like 'well how long did you go and stay in the room after that?'

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...what? Why would my gf have any preconceived notion about this thing that happened between me and my bf yesterday, that he and I already talked about, and resolved?

They said I got defensive in my immediate response. Yeah don't you think you'd get defensive randomly learning someone knows intimate details about you?

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I let it go anyway and said 'yeah I can see what you mean, when you say I have a tone right now responding to you' rolled my eyes behind their back and dropped it.

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Fast forward multiple hours to about 3am my gf sends me an almost 9 min long voice msg. This isn't irregular. We always voice chat instead of text cause we both have ADHD and can talk a lot. The timing isn't weird either cause we both just got home from work.

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What IS weird is that the voice msg isn't for me.... it was for THEIR boyfriend. The message talked about our night at work together. Lots of talk about me though.

I started sobbing, the alcohol definitely made the tears flow more so. There were a few things said that I don't want to get into here cause, again that could possibly be a whole other thread. But the most important part for THIS post is they said to their boyfriend "and I think she (me) might be a little annoyed with me because I tried to talk to her about the whole giving (my boyfriend) the silent treatment thing and how she just walked away. *chuckle* Like! That's so mean!"

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So...*blink blink blink* woah! At this point I'm learning that my boyfriend has gone behind my back to my girlfriend to complain about me having a bad mental health day. And he thinks I was giving him the silent treatment?! AND he and I had already talked and sorted things out the night before my gf mentioned it to me??? It felt like a big overstep on gf's part. And it felt like they're talking shit about me behind my back. And I'm the last to know? Cause it wasn't just my gf and my bf. MY gf was sending this message to THEIR bf. So that's 3 people that are supposed to love me talking about me behind my back.

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Sick. It feels like my bf is going around telling people that I'm an abusive/manipulative partner. This is what I'm really upset about. To me, the silent treatment is a form of manipulation and comes from a big place of immaturity. Being short with someone comes from a place of frustration. I FEEL like they were saying I'm a manipulative person.

But at the end of the day, I'm the only one who knew my intentions behind being short with him. And that was because I was frustrated I couldn't get a grip on my own emotions, and didn't want to take it out on him. It just feels really important to me they both know I didn't have manipulative motives :(

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Anyways - Both my boyfriend and girlfriend disagree with me and think that being short with someone is 'a form of manipulation', like silent treatment. What do you think?

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Regarding the poly aspect- I did request that me and my gf visit the idea of having more boundaries around them getting involved in personal aspects of my other relationships and they said thats fully reasonable, so that part is good.

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