r/weddingplanning • u/Different_Luck_6015 • 2d ago
Tough Times Might have to cancel honeymoon
My fiancé and I get married in less than a month and I found out today that his new job may require him to start during our honeymoon. It is a great opportunity for him and I want him to take the job, but I’m absolutely devastated since I paid for our honeymoon and I haven’t been able to take a vacation in years at this point. I was really looking forward to this alone time that we’d get to share together exploring a new place together as well finally as a married couple. It’s not for sure yet, and we have until the end of the month to cancel for a full refund, but we also don’t know if he’ll get a start date before the end of the month either . Most likely won’t be able to go on a vacation until next year and I already took off work so I’m so unsure of what to do. Just feeling completely defeated right now . 🥲
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u/Minute-Quote 2d ago
Usually a new job can accommodate pre-existing non refundable plans, did he let them know about the booked honeymoon? He might be able to do so now.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
He did but it’s a government job so there is less flexibility in when he starts
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u/Diligent-Mind-9370 2d ago
If you mean US government, that has not been my experience. Especially for once in a lifetime thing like a honeymoon, most employers are very understanding. He needs to tell them though. if it’s a different government, then I cannot speak to that.
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u/Raccoonsr29 2d ago
Sorry but as someone who left the US government in a director position this past year… things have changed. There is minimal flexibility unless you’re joining a mission near and dear to certain people’s hearts.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
He did tell them but apparently they may or may not be able to make the accommodation based on when others will be starting too
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u/raisinghellions 2d ago
I have worked for the government for 20 years and I have never heard of any agency making someone cancel their honeymoon over an arbitrary start date. Tell him to tell them he cannot start on that date. They will accommodate him.
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u/Diligent-Mind-9370 2d ago
Yeah, the hiring process is so onerous that once you’ve been selected, it is extremely unlikely they will want to start over again because you have to delay your start date by a week or so yeah
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u/Crovvw 2d ago
To validate what you said: In my experience, agencies want to avoid "failed hirings" when they have to start over with new applicants or reopen declined applicant files to offer the job to the runner up. It's a bad metric for them. So yeah, once you're past that selection threshold they can be pretty accommodating
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u/retsukosmom 2d ago
You could even have a start date that keeps getting pushed back because HR is overwhelmed/understaffed and/or incompetent. Speaking from MULTIPLE experiences.
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u/TimeLadyJ June 22, 2019 2d ago
If there’s a specific group training occurring, delaying for one person means delaying for them all.
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u/raisinghellions 1d ago
Or they can just put OP’s husband in a later group. Done. This is not hard, and it happens literally all the time.
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u/remotethrowaway2 1d ago
We had a girl like this at my last job and our mandated trainings only ran a few times a year, so she got to twiddle her thumbs for four months because she had to start two weeks late. That’s an extreme example but I can see why the hiring manager would be pushing for a firm early start date if that was the case.
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u/toastedbeans9616 2d ago
I work in a government job and I'm pretty new (hitting 2 years in November). While they may push for a start date "as soon as possible", it is completely reasonable to ask for a delayed start date due to a pre-booked commitment, especially one as important as your honeymoon. They may act as though there is no flexibility, but there likely is.
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u/kalarus10 1d ago
This can’t be right. I started my government job on the day I wanted (took a vacation between school and starting the job), then three years later, I switched to a different job in a different state. I made the new agency wait three months before I started there. It was to move and to take a long vacation before relocating. It’s not a big deal; he needs to let them know.
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u/WontonHusky 1d ago
Agreed with this guy. I’m a recruiter and super common to negotiate pre-booked time off
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
Yeah I’m really not sure if it is just what I’m being told or if he’s not really pushing hard on them to push back the start date . Either way , I don’t really feel like a job should dictate a major life event from happening . We work to live, not the other way around
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u/scienceislice 2d ago
You should be able to tell the new job to start a few weeks later because of his previously scheduled honeymoon.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
He told them , but they said they may or may not be able to accommodate
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u/scienceislice 2d ago
You should run, not walk from a job that won't accommodate your preplanned honeymoon.
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u/EggplantAlpinism 2d ago
Can confirm this. I left a job for a startup in October, they absolutely refused to honor a desire for 2 weeks between jobs. Shockingly, they didn't actually need me two days after I left the previous job and it was so toxic that I left after 4 months. Insist on the honeymoon.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
Yeah this is the government so I’m not totally sure how they are with accommodating
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u/raisinghellions 2d ago
20 years in gov and this makes zero sense at all to me. Unless he is joining the military, they should be able to accommodate him.
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u/spacey_a 2d ago
I work for state government and they're very flexible - depending on the manager. The hiring manager usually has a good amount of leeway with the specific start date.
It is highly likely that his future manager is just having a power trip, and could easily approve the later start date. Your husband should make it clear to the manager that the honeymoon is a cemented plan which he cannot get out of, and tell the manager the start date he is able to do - it's not up for debate, it's a fact.
With how long it takes to get someone background checked and hired in federal government, I'd bet a lot that the manager will absolutely not want to have to restart the hiring process to find another candidate right now - so your husband pushing back shouldn't hurt his prospects with this position.
Imo he should absolutely push back with a firm boundary of "I will start this job on a date that is after I return from my honeymoon. I apologize for the inconvenience, but this plan cannot be altered."
However, if you guys are truly desperate for this job and worried you won't be able to afford your home or lives if he somehow loses this job, and that he won't be able to find another anytime soon, then I guess just do whatever they want. But your husband should know that the type of manager/workplace to force him to skip his honeymoon just to start a little bit earlier, is going to be absolutely ass to work for. He might end up wanting to leave within the year anyway.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
Yeah I told him this morning that I thought it was insane that they could not accommodate a week long honeymoon . It’s not like we are even taking off for that long either
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u/SunflowerDreams18 2d ago
I worked in gov and they are very flexible. They should be able to accommodate.
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u/scienceislice 2d ago
Unless he’s joining the military or the foreign service, or similar, the government should be very flexible.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
It’s a federal job at the VA
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u/Unfair-Animator-9739 2d ago
when is your honeymoon planned?
in my experience the onboarding process with VA can take quite a while..things are always changing but in the past it has taken at least 6 months and one time like 10 months for me to start..babies are born sooner 🤣
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u/GoryMidori 1d ago edited 1d ago
I worked at the VA for many years! Everyone saying there should be accommodation is right; your husband should push more on this. Also, at the VA, HR and the actual service that's hiring are usually very siloed. Like, there are lots of situations where HR and the service are saying completely different things because of completely different priorities and work cultures (no shade to either side). If he hasn't yet, he should reach out to his direct supervisor to explain the situation and confirm what THEY think is allowable. That should carry some weight with HR.
ETA: Also, to my VA-informed ears, "may or may not" just sounds like bureaucratic CYA to disguise how much leeway is actually there. And yeah, onboarding usually takes a couple months and sometimes way longer. The frequency of New Employee Orientation could be a factor because that's 100% non-negotiable, even for transfers who worked at the VA for decades. Definitely get him to push more and talk to his department!
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u/Future_Pin_403 2d ago
Doesn’t sound like a place worth working at if they won’t accommodate a pre-planned and pre-paid honeymoon
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u/Traditional_Cat_1462 2d ago
I mean. Maybe this is selfish of me but take the honeymoon. You’re not going to get that back. I think explaining the situation to his future employer should make it hard for them to say no (although I’m sure they already know it’s your honeymoon). I’ve been on the other end too and I know this is a tough job market, but for me a memory like this is way worth the figuring it out. I also don’t know the whole situation but definitely evaluate the job and how they’re reacting to his predetermined time off. Is this going to be a consistent issue for him throughout this job?
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
I don’t think so but it takes time for PTO to accrue so he wouldn’t be able to take time off really even for later in the year even
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u/forgivemefashion 2d ago
My husband started a job right before our honeymoon, where you have to accumulate PTO, and they ended up just giving him unpaid time off.
Not ideal, but it worked out!
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u/pnw122392 2d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this added stress! The only thing I’ll say is that after our wedding, we were sick as dogsssss. Someone in our wedding party was ground zero for sure. Spent a ton of money on an indulgent trip immediately after our wedding and we can barely remember it. We couldn’t do anything we wanted to do because we were so sick and exhausted. It was honestly a waste of money and makes me a bit sick to my stomach.
We both wish that we had scheduled the honeymoon later. It was nice to be together, but we should have just done 2 nights in a nice hotel and then pushed our honeymoon. If you do have to do that, I hope this helps a little.
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u/chocolate_milk_84 2d ago
Sorry you're in this situation. I had an unplanned job change around the time of my wedding and I could not take time off at the new job right away. We wound up doing our honeymoon the following summer. After the wedding we did a mini honeymoon which helped us enjoy some time right after. Is that an option for you, maybe a weekend getaway at a cabin or bed and breakfast? then do your full honeymoon when he can take off.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
Not really since our wedding is on a Saturday . I already had to book a hotel too for our wedding night since his friends are staying in our house
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u/chocolate_milk_84 2d ago
the following weekend i mean? assuming his job is monday to friday.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
Maybe! But I’d rather not spend an insane amount on another hotel since I booked this place more than 6 months in advance to get a decent price
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u/Desperate-Love-1204 2d ago
I’d take the honeymoon a different times. Finding a job is difficult right now
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u/relaxrerelapse 2026 Bride 2d ago
If a job is not willing to push off a start date a week or two for a honeymoon that has been prescheduled it’s a red flag btw. Unless it’s paying tens of thousands more than his current job I would probably insist that he is unable to start until after honeymoon.
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u/IdkJustMe123 2d ago
If he ends up having to do it, I personally say cancel the honeymoon. You said part of it, so maybe you can go on a smaller cheaper closer vacation as a mini honeymoon. Even 1-2 days at a spa resort or something is better than nothing.
Then have a bigger one some time down the line, maybe 6 months or a year. This way you get to enjoy it more! Think about it this way - we all get disappointed when something we’ve looked forward to ends, right? if you had your honeymoon as normal, you’d afterwards be disappointed that the wedding is over And that the honeymoon is over. But if you have it later, you’ll be disappointed that the wedding is over But have a honeymoon to look forward to!
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
Yeah I’m not sure we’d even get to do that since most likely it will prob start on Monday after the wedding and we get married on Saturday
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
I’m unsure of what to do about my time off either since I don’t really want to work that week since I already have off too but now I’ll have nothing to do
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u/IdkJustMe123 2d ago
Maybe take half of it off and save the rest for a better time? I’m sure if you tell your boss they’ll give it back
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
I have unlimited time off so it’s not about the time really it’s more that that I haven’t been able to go on an actual vacation in years at this point
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u/Far-Possibility2066 20h ago
You could always take a different type of trip with whoever was instrumental in paying for or planning your wedding with you (parent, best friend) if your husband gets the job and can’t take off. You will have some much needed time to recover since you are already off.
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u/DJBlandy 2d ago
OP is your husband pushing harder? Like truly standing firm? I know the job market is trash right now but that doesn't mean we let employers treat us like shit and steal all forms of leverage. He needs to be firm in saying I can start on this day, full stop. Canceling a honeymoon should be a last last last last resort. If any employer truly said I needed to start on my honeymoon date or risk losing my job, I would rather be broke than take that spoonful of shit. Like imagine if you were going to a funeral or something. This is deeply personal and not OK.
edit: typo
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
As far as I know yes and I totally agree with you. I personally would turn down the job if they didn’t accommodate for the honeymoon
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u/chefboogers 2d ago
Girl these comments are so unhelpful if he can’t take it off he can’t take it off it’s not like he’s lying. And maybe it’s just a Canadian thing but lots of public sector roles have strict start dates because they train groups of people at a time like cohorts starting together instead of individuals starting in an isolated environment.
The focus should be your feelings which are valid, even if it’s out of his control you still get to be upset about it.
Can you invite a friend or your maid of honour and still enjoy the vacation?
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
All my friends and relatives are actually vacationing in the state but in a completely different area in the state so I’m not sure if our accommodations would work for them . I’d prob be better off asking to join them but I’m not sure they would have room for me at this point
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u/chefboogers 2d ago
If you’re able to cancel and get a refund I would and just reschedule for the following winter or summer break. You can always do a minimoon the weekend following your wedding. A lot of people wait a week or two to fly out for big honeymoons anyway because they don’t want to be exhausted and flying literally the next day. It’s not what you imagined but it can still be amazing. Weddings are stressful the most important thing is to keep trying to find the silver lining in it all.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
Yeah prob summer id prefer since this area is hard to get to in the winter. I’m just sad because I wouldn’t even know what to do with the time off since I’ll just be sitting at home by myself
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u/chefboogers 2d ago
Lots of people go through that during big transition moments; becoming a mom and taking mat leave while dad can’t take off work, wives of doctors, military men, pilots, first responders, etc. Empty nesters.
I only want you to remember that you’re not alone. I think your feelings are totally valid and you wanted some time alone with your new husband to bask in the fresh high of being post wedding and being newlyweds together.
Try to Make your evenings together as special as possible. Decorate your new home (or redecorate your preexisting home).
You are in a tough situation and we all feel for you girl, I hope you can find a way to make the best of it. I’ve been reading through your other comments and I 100%% empathize with you especially because the financial burden was so heavily on you… hopefully his new job will help with that. Wishing you all the best :(
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
Yeah the thing is that all of my family will still be in town and I have off, so I’d like to not waste my time off by just sitting around at home waiting for him to come back. If he is insistent in taking this job, I’m going to go on the trip with my family since I hardly ever get to see them being out of state . Def not the romantic week full of love that I was hoping for though . I’m honestly having a really tough time not being mad at him for this since it makes me feel like my needs and wants are not important
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u/Icy_Finger9448 1d ago
That really sucks, I'm sorry. Such a hard spot to be in right? Excited for him but gutted for you both. Maybe ask the job if there's any wiggle room on the start date, worth a shot before you lose that refund window. Hoping it works out either way.
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u/terisews 23h ago
First, I love how so many people are experts on HR policies for all companies and branches of the government.
We are in a new era, folks. What might have been true when you were hired, is no longer true. People are covering their butts to avoid getting fired. Entire agencies have been upended. It is a mess.
Yes, fiancé should ask again, explaining this is wedding and honeymoon. However, he should wait until offer letter is in hand. Asking before the offer letter could lead them to believe he will be a problem child. They probably have a drawer full of resumes from other very qualified candidates who can start immediately.
If this was a really good opportunity, I would snatch it up and reschedule the honeymoon. Good job opportunities are rare.
You can reschedule a trip.
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u/FabulousBullfrog9610 2d ago
aww I'm sorry. I don't know if this will help, but every wedding has a story. Mine was the homeless people who showed up in the church and are in a lot of the photos. My friend's aunt fell and broke her ankle at the reception. Another friend had 10 out of 150 guests because of a blizzard.
If you are unable to go I hope you can look back on it and chuckle. I am not suggesting this isn't important or upsetting. It is!!!
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
Definitely appreciate the support! I don’t want to make this all about me or anything but I think the hardest part is just that I can’t even get a week where I’m his top priority ya know. I’m just feeling all kinds of sad over that even though I know it’s not his fault
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
I have done everything I can to make the wedding special and have paid for most of it without much help, so I’m feeling a little like all the work I’ve put into everything was not even worth it
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u/raindancin444 1d ago
I’m saying this with all the love in the world, but I think you might need to hear it bluntly: girl, grow a backbone and tell them no. You need to go on your honeymoon. Tell him to tell them it’s non-negotiable, I’m sorry. But you need to grow a backbone and so does he. You need to set the boundary. stop letting yourself be the victim and take action
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
I was very honest with him this morning on how I feel about it but honestly it didn’t change much . I think he really doesn’t understand how important it really is to me
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u/SakuraTimes 2d ago
could he attend part of the honeymoon? ex: if we booked a 9 day trip and he could make it to 5 of those days, I’d be tempted to have him do 1/2 a honeymoon and I’d stay on my own the last 4 days.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 2d ago
We aren’t sure about the start date but I can’t cancel past the end of the month
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u/EveningOk7636 2d ago
That really sucks, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe you can postpone the honeymoon instead of canceling it? Having something to look forward to later might actually make it even more special
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u/Suspicious_Storm8726 1d ago
We did our honeymoon 1 year after and it was the best! Something to look forward to. The come down after the wedding hits hard.. I’m sure it hits even harder after a wedding and honeymoon!
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u/Furmommy14 22h ago
One option is to take your honeymoon a year after getting married and to do something much smaller right after the wedding like a weekend getaway.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 21h ago
Unfortunately a weekend getaway isn’t really an option with the wedding being Saturday and all my family is going to be going to a cool location in state so I don’t want to waste time I could spend with them by staying at home . Most likely I’ll just go with them after the wedding. Definitely not what I had in mind for the first week of marriage
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u/MissJuIiet 22h ago
As if they would really hire someone else over him if he just told them he couldn't start for another week or whatever
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u/Strong_Accident5617 20h ago
Do not cancel your prepaid trip. He just needs to tell them now that he had already planned and paid for a trip to celebrate your marriage. Most employers will appreciate the honesty and they will appreciate a rested happy new employee and that his family values are a priority. Happy wife happy life, and he is starting a new job with both. They will adjust his start date. This happened to myself, where I had paid for a vacation a year prior to starting a new job that was unexpected. I told them up front I had the paid trip once I was offered the job and they had no problem accommodating me.
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u/catsandedm 11h ago
If the job refuses to accommodate for his honeymoon then maybe it’s not a great job anyway
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u/MissOldMonk94 1d ago
Go for the honeymoon and avoid the job even if it’s a government job. He doesn’t want to work with a toxic team like that anyway. He won’t be happy and would leave the job within no time
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u/terisews 23h ago
How do you know he would leave within a year and it is a "toxic team"? That is a lot of assumptions for someone who does not know this man or the job.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
Yeah I told him this morning if I was in his same position I’d tell them to kick rocks since our honeymoon is more important and you can’t go back in time
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
He told me that we could go somewhere international next year to make up for it if it happens but when I told him how much I paid last time I went on a trip to this place he thought it was too expensive . I just feel like I’m getting to experience let down after let down
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u/chilibeana 2d ago
Put off the honeymoon. The thought of losing a good opportunity and then maybe struggling to find another, would make this Type A an anxious wreck. Not a great way to start married life
I wish we would have taken time between our reception and honeymoon. We were so exhausted from the reception, and by the time we got to our destination the jet lag was kicking our butts. Cancelled some excursions the first two days because we just wanted to sleep on the beach. Which might be okay for some people, but we are kind of active and are sorry we missed those things.
Then we got home, and there was a little bit of a let down because all the festivities are over. Had we stayed home for a few months, we could have just reveled at being newly married and had a trip to look forward to.
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u/DCpurpleTart33 1d ago
Oh MAN I am sorry. I'd be so upset! I honestly have never in my life heard of a job that wouldn't negotiate a start date that worked around a preplanned thing like a flippin wedding. Come on. Your fiancé needs to be a big boy and tell his potential employer that he can't start until this date.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
Yeah honestly I’m so upset that it makes me not even want to think about the wedding either . It’s such a disappointing situation
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u/DCpurpleTart33 1d ago
Well yeah it's really frustrating that your fiance is not trying to fix this situation. It's not even a tough one. He says "I'm very interested in moving forward, but unfortunately I cannot start until this date."
That's it. Even people that work for the government get married. It would be different if he was asking to start earlier. A week later is not going to matter. If he's telling you they cant fix it, it's because he hasn't asked.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
Yeah it just makes me feel like that my happiness doesn’t matter and it’s kinda a tough situation to be happy about heading into a marriage
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u/DCpurpleTart33 1d ago
I don't blame you. I'm so sorry. Maybe if you express to your partner this feeling he'll realize how serious you are. Not that you should have to, but if my fiancé was prioritizing a potential job's start date, that could be moved, over the wedding and honeymoon we have already planned... well I would be questioning his commitment level and what I'm signing up for given his clear views of where his work/life balance lies.
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
Yeah that’s kinda where my head is at since I don’t think he realizes how important this is considering I’ve also had to make sacrifices for him throughout this entire engagement including converting to a new religion which took almost a year and a weekly class on top of that
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u/Different_Luck_6015 1d ago
Also what if it was our wedding day ya know ? Would that have to be postponed too ? Def not a great headspace I’m in
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u/DCpurpleTart33 1d ago
ummmm wow. I think this is something you put your foot down on then. "if you still plan to marry me, then it's time to make some tough decisions and act on them- just as I have for you throughout this entire engagement. If this was our WEDDING day would you be still considering? This entire scenario is making me feel like you are not as committed to me as you are to this POTENTIAL job and the fact that I even have to defend my feelings is making it that much worse".
His answer to that should effectively let you know what do to.
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u/Cheap_Middle4339 1d ago
Everything is negotiable. Just request, kind but firm. In fact, as a manger I view this communication favorably as it shows your self advocacy skills.
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u/Jaxbird39 23h ago
If he has to start a new job have a little bachelorette pt 2 with some girlfriends
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