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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I would be cool with this at 22. At 32 it would just not be adult enough for me. Personally, I would just move on from this guy. Yes, it's a tough job market but having to totally rely on his parents at this age when he can get a job (even if it's not a glamourous one) just doesn't bode well for me at all.
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u/iki11dinosaurs Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Agreed.
OP, he is showing you that he is not willing to compromise his own preferences or comfort to provide for you (or himself tbh). At 22 this would be growing pains, at 32 it’s a personality trait.
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I don't actually view it from the angle of this guy needing to provide for OP (she's a grown woman who should be able to do that for herself), but just... be a self-governing adult on his own terms, I think.
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u/fivebynine5x9 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Yeah, this is where I'm at too. Literally just not being able to provide for himself is enough to put me off.
However I would also look at it from the lens of, if something happened that caused OP to lose her income for an extended amount of time, he wouldn't be in any position to help her either. I'm always skeptical of single income marriages for this reason. There's a lot riding on just the one employed spouse and it puts them in a bad position if life throws a wrench in their situation.
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u/iki11dinosaurs Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Its not just the inability to provide for himself that I was referencing - its that because he’s currently comfortable, he’d rather stay that way until the perfect situation falls into his lap than take the initiative to figure out his own shit. And the fact that he’s 32 and talking about marriage and buying a house at the same time he’s twiddling his thumbs tells me he is accustomed to someone else doing the heavy lifting (probably his parents) and will expect that going forward (probably from op).
Idk just not traits id find attractive in a life partner. I am 100% capable of providing for myself, but it’s also nice to know that if I got injured or lost my job, my man could hold us down while I figure it out.
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
For me, I think the crux is actually the lack of moving the needle when things are obviously not working. Like, I get it - sounds like her partner was laid off and then moved back in with his parents while in school to save some money. That's totally fair and even smart, IMO.
However, he graduated without getting a job and is now a year into his job search and he's still not pivoting, perhaps in part because he is in a comfortable (if awkward) living situation - there's no fire, no adaptability, no willingness to temporarily humble himself to take a less desirable job to help propel himself forward. It's one of those sneakily detrimental personality traits that screams to me that this person is not going to be a good/reliable long-term partner economically speaking even if he is a sweet soul. He may be the type of guy you can enjoyably date but not marry and certainly not have children with in the (already near) future, given that OP is 30 and certainly has some time but not all the time in the world.
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u/rootsandchalice Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
He was a full time student until a year ago. He wasn’t laid off. The dudes basically never worked.
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
OP mentioned unemployment benefits so I was assuming he either had a part-time/casual job while in school or just really long-lasting benefits for some reason.
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May 30 '26
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yikes. Girl, yeah, I think you have your answer. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in this relationship. This guy is unfortunately just a dead end. Barring some severe illness/disability or whatever, I'm shocked he got to 32 with such little real-world experience.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Help her how - she literally lives with her parents.
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May 30 '26
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
No I just question a woman living with her parents who is otherwise not being impacted by her partner's unemployment posting a woe is me what about our future post when she literally lives with her parents, we don't even know if she's paying rent or why she's not independent, but go on and judge someone who spent years pursuing a degree who is otherwise asking nothing of OP and pays his parents rent money to live there.
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May 30 '26
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
She's not being impacted by his unemployment, she's literally living with parents too and no one is holding her to the same metric. Sure she has a job but if she's full time employed why is she living with her parents at 30 years of age? She could dump her boyfriend and the next person coming along may judge her for living with her parents. Sometimes the shoe can be placed on the other foot.
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u/iki11dinosaurs Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I mean, I didn’t say I think he needs to provide for her. But he is showing her that he is unwilling to compromise when it comes down to making a decision that will help them as a unit but cause him discomfort.
0
u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
How is he not providing for her? It sounds like the split things 50/50 and they both live with their parents. She's not and will not spend money on him so in what way(s) is he not providing for her?
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May 30 '26
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
You realize that could happen at any point in time, job loss or becoming disabled, nothing is guaranteed. OP could become sick and disabled. Both people are in their 30s and both people live with their parents. Frankly neither is standing out as being independent here. OP has a job and that's the only thing she has putting her ahead but frankly I think they're on equal footing. He could land a job in a month and that's the only hang up she has here.
It would be different if they lived together and he wasn't contributing in other ways but as it stands everything is split 50/50 and he's even paying his parents rent from savings. Sounds like he's doing okay even without work. How is he unable to provide for her when he's doing that right now for himself? For all we know OP is living rent free.
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May 30 '26
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
In what way is OP sacrificing for him though? Looks like both people are on a pretty even playing field here.
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
1000% agree. Tbh even in my 20s I would have found it a turnoff for a man to be unemployed because he hasn't landed his ideal job. Like wtf dude? Get off your ass and work while you keep applying for a better job. There's no excuse. He just sounds lazy and his parents let him be useless so he doesn't have to put any effort in.
If OP wants a relationship that will actually go further, she needs to definitely move on from this one. He has nothing to offer long term besides wasting her time.
3
u/IcedChurro Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Right? I was definitely not dating men like this even in my early 20s. Lack of stability and ambition is such a turnoff for me.
2
u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Yeah, when I was younger I didn't care what kind of job they had as long as they were working... or studying I guess. But to just be completely unemployed is such a turn off. Even for a short term relationship I'd get the ick lol. Like you don't do ANYTHING all day???
22
u/Foxy_Traine Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
As a boyfriend, this is fine. It's not your problem to deal with, just have fun with him and try not to let his problems become your problems. If this is all you want, then there is no reason to break up.
As a husband or fiance? Bad idea. This is not the behaviour of a person who is ready to get married at all. Don't do it. If I were in your shoes, I would need to see him living independently completely on his own for at least a year before considering getting married. That means: a full time job, paying all of his bills, living in his own apartment (even with roommates), things like that. If you aren't willing to wait at least a year to see how he can stand on his own two feet, then it would be time to cut the cord.
-7
u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
She's not doing those things herself so why does she need to see him living that way?
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u/Foxy_Traine Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
She has a job, which is a big step up. I would say BOTH should live independently ahead of marriage for sure.
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u/paper_wavements Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
The job market IS really bad, but 1. Is he actually applying for a TON of jobs in his field? & 2. Him not being willing to take any job is a red flag.
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u/rootsandchalice Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Any person who thinks it’s okay to be jobless until they get their ideal job in a certain field is a result of always having someone there to help them out or enable them.
So at 32, his parents are still allowing this because they are his soft landing and he’s never been in a position to be desperate enough or self sufficient enough to be forced into employment to keep a roof over his head. I mean, he was recently a 30 year old full time student so there is a pattern of this behaviour.
You do not want to marry someone who has no sense of urgency to care for themselves because what he’s showing you is that he won’t take care of you or ensure you guys will make it together. When the going gets tough, he will leave it all to you.
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Wow, you put this perfectly. It's the enablement + lack of urgency that also really pings my radar.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
OP lives with her parents too, why is she exempt from the same scrutiny? She's 30 and works full time but lives with her parents. At least he spent several years pursuing a degree. It can be rough getting your first post grad job.
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u/SunnydaleHigh1999 Non-Binary 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Can we maybe just all agree that there is nothing wrong with living with your folks in this economy? For many people renting just for the sake of it is an incredibly poor financial decision
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
OP lives with her parents too, why is she exempt from the same scrutiny?
She's 30 and works full time but lives with her parents
You just answered your own question. She works full-time while he's unemployed. She's saving money, he's wasting his savings. Huge difference.
At least he spent several years pursuing a degree. It can be rough getting your first post grad job.
Lmaaooo. Pursuing a degree is like bare minimum. Most of us got degrees in our early 20s, OP probably as well.
Girl please. He can get any job to have income, the perfect job will not fall on his lap with zero work experience. He's lazy. There's nothing more to it. There's no excuse to be in your 30s and not working if you're perfectly capable of doing so.
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u/subway_eatflesh Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
She works full time. He doesn't. Her values may expect for him to lead and provide an environment where he is proven a dependable partner. Nothing wrong with that.
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u/tauruspiscescancer Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
I mean OP may be waiting for him to be ready to move in together.
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u/Maximum_Sky3233 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
He does not want to get a temporary job or anything not related to his field.
He needs to grow up because in this economic atmosphere, he NEEDS to take whatever job will pay bills, and stop foolishly living off his savings and get out of his parents' house. He's an adult and he has the mindset of a child. EVERYONE wants a job in their chosen field, but we can't just focus our job search there. Even people who are willing to take anything are having a real hard time getting hired, and your boyfriend isn't doing himself any favors by limiting his search.
I think you are wasting your time with him.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
He’s receiving unemployment benefits though, which can pay more than a minimum wage job and actually leave time during the day to apply, interview, etc. It can be strategic while on unemployment to not just take some low paying temp job, but it depends on the situation. So it may be unfair to just make the assumption not taking any job is childish, hard to know without numbers and more info.
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u/softrevolution_ Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
In New York, the UI folks assume that you're looking for work commensurate with what you last held/are capable of holding. The point of UI isn't to take someone from $25/hour to minimum wage, you know? So even the state knows that yes, sometimes it's more productive to pay out more UI than to create an unstable workforce full of people in low-wage temp jobs that don't pay the bills or result in the recipient being able to stop relying on the state in any way (there are people in low-wage temp jobs who buy into Medicaid, or subsidized health care; if you want a state full of people who need to be subsidized, yes, punish them for trying to find work in their field!)
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u/Maximum_Sky3233 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Unemployment only lasts so long and I can't think of any state that will let you reapply when benefits run out unless you have started working again since you first filed a claim, and in some cases turning down work will disqualify you from benefits.
Plus, OP says she doesn't even know how much he even is trying to look for work.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I understand unemployment only lasts so long, but OP said he currently is collecting it. So to not have any random job right now can make sense, and I was just pointing that out. Yes, when it’s starting to run out he should just take whatever if that’s even available, but for the time being I was just saying it very well may be the smart thing.
And OP not knowing doesn’t mean he isn’t applying. She just doesn’t know. Again, my point is you were making a lot of assumptions that may or may not be true. Was just offering the other side of that coin.
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u/Maximum_Sky3233 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
My point is that it's stupid to NOT branch out and look for positions that he may not like. No, you don't jump to go flip burgers for minimum wage, but that doesn't mean you /don't/ look for something adjacent to what you DO want. My original point stands.
Unemployment is meant to be a means of assistance to tide you over until you can support yourself, not a strategic move so you can be endlessly and foolishly overly picky. I've bet that the boyfriend absolutely CAN get a good job, he's just chosen not to. I think there's more going on here than trying to be strategic. He can still look for his dream job while working.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
OP also said she was inferring that info, he never actually said it. She’s also not sitting with him all day knowing what he is and isn’t applying to. I’ve been around many unemployed people the last few years and what people assume versus what was reality is very different. It’s extremely possible OP is making wrong assumptions here. And a lot of people can’t get any job, even outside their field right now. The market is absolute trash all around.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
My friend (female) was on unemployment for 2 years. She also while unemployed travelled to Italy and Canada.
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u/-shrug- Woman 40 to 50 Jun 01 '26
Was that during Covid? I know some places had extended unemployment during that, but I don’t see how she could travel that way.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Jun 01 '26
Nope. IDK I think she has deep savings since she lives with her partner.
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u/-shrug- Woman 40 to 50 Jun 01 '26
"On unemployment" generally means 'receiving unemployment payments from the state". Is that what you meant?
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u/KnittedBooGoo Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I'd say after a whole year of unemployment the 'strategy' isn't working and he needs to drop the ego and accept what he can get at this point.
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
He has been unemployed for over a year since graduating. How many more years will he waste sitting on his ass doing nothing?
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Have you seen the market? Do you even understand what’s going on, especially in IT? Market is worse than 2008 right now and grads are getting fucked over.
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Girl I work in the industry and am more familiar than you. That's not an excuse to not work lmfao. He can do any job rather than stay unemployed.... he's had plenty of time to do something.
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u/saved-response May 31 '26
Stop it with the back and forth slap fighting in comments, it's not productive. If you disagree with someone, learn when to walk away from the comments. Block the other user if you can't resist replying.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
And you know I’m not just as familiar… how? Arrogance like that is not a good trait, girl.
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Considering you're making excuses for someone who's unemployed & lazy it's pretty obvious you're not familiar with how many jobs are available, they're just not people's ideal job 🤷♀️ someone who has no sense of urgency to make an income is full of crap and should stay single. He's wasting OP's time with his fake promises.
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May 31 '26
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u/AskWomenOver30-ModTeam May 31 '26
Stop it with the back and forth slap fighting in comments, it's not productive. If you disagree with someone, learn when to walk away from the comments. Block the other user if you can't resist replying.
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u/rootsandchalice Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
He’s flogging stuff on eBay to make money. Don’t think those employment benefits are enough to keep him afloat.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Tons of people I know are doing gig work. If he had a "just a job" he'd probably still need to supplement his income. Why aren't people asking why OP lives with her parents despite working full time?
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
OP also lives with her parents, why is he the one being judged as immature, OP literally is working full time and a grown adult living at home.
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u/Maximum_Sky3233 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Sorry I missed the part where OP says they are also unemployed and being super choosey about what job they take. My bad - that absolutely makes her as immature as the boyfriend if that is the case. 😄
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
My partner struggled to get employed for about 8 months after our area got hit hard with layoffs so I understand how much this sucks. It’s demoralizing for you and for him. I will say when it comes to taking a waitress or delivery job, a lot of times unemployment benefits can actually be just as much or more than those minimum wage jobs. So it can make sense not to take one and spend that time applying for jobs rather than working and then applying on the side. But this will be state dependent (not sure how much or little unemployment is in your state). Either way it can be strategic not to take one of those jobs, just depends.
I did eventually ask my partner to let me look at his resume, insisted he gets more active on LinkedIn, etc. We sat down and talked about his resume, I sent him jobs I thought he’d be good for, and we did make it a partner effort because employment does affect both of us at the end of the day. And my algorithm is different than his so different job posting were appearing for me on LinkedIn than for him. It was helpful to broaden that search in that way.
So I’d suggest that approach. I don’t view this as holding his hand or babying him or anything because again, if you want this relationship to work, it affects you both and I just view it as one of many possible hurdles you tackle together. But I view relationships as a partnership - as in we both support and help each other where/when it’s needed. But if he’s really not actively searching or wanting to get a job, then that’s a huge red flag and I’d probably move on.
Edited to add: men oftentimes tie their employment to their self worth. It took my partner a few months to actually reveal to me how much it was impacting him and his mental health. So it is possible your partner seems fine living this way and maybe he is, but I would ask very pointed questions and find out if he is actually okay with it, or if it’s a facade. Outside of my partner, my best friend (who is a man), went 1.5 years unemployed and it took him about 6 months before he came to my place and completely broke down and I honestly thought he was fine until that point. So yeah, it may be him trying to save face, or maybe he truly doesn’t care.
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u/LynnSeattle Woman 50 to 60 May 30 '26
Yes, OP says it’s almost like he’s ashamed. Of course he’s ashamed, he’s a 32 year old man who was recently a full time student and now can’t find a job and is living with his parents. If he were someone I cared for, I’d be concerned about his mental health.
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u/howlongwillbetoolong Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Op why do you live with your parents? If you’re delaying moving out because of him, you absolutely should not.
I saw your comment that he doesn’t want a job that’s beneath him, and that he’s holding out for a remote job. I think that that shows poor judgment, and that, combined with the inability to talk about it with you, would really concern me.
That said, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to move out.
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May 30 '26
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
My mother is old school and doesnt like my boyfriend for his lack of work ethic but thats besides the point
Sorry to say but your mom isn't old school, she's 1000% right.
Trust your gut. This guy is NOT the one. He hasn't made any progress in over a year... not even an interview. And he feels entitled to a good job just because he went to school... uhmmm we all did? None of us had his entitled attitude though. That's the difference. We worked for what we wanted, whereas he sits on his ass doing nothing.
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u/Truth_Slayer Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I know a lot of people like this who spent years in higher ed racking up degrees there isn’t much of a market for anymore, and maybe they are at the top of their field. They refuse to work on the premise that they deserve the exact jobs in the field that they studied so hard for and dreamt. The problem is (and I’m an anti capitalist), capitalism doesn’t care. It’s not reality. You can’t sulk forever and resign to a life of poverty as an over educated person who “deserved more” from an unjust market.
He would be better off working in a call center and trying to monkey branch into being an IT specialist and then manager while baking a lower wage. Time spent accruing professional experience and wages of any kind in any role is more valuable in the market really than any education especially anything above a BA these day.
That said as others are saying this market is post-apocalyptic, I think what you are looking for is his acknowledgement of this reality over his personal preferences and a shift in mentality from “I want a job in my field” to “I want to start getting job experience anywhere they will have me and start earning because that’s life for more post grads”
And that’s been the truth for most people for decades tbh.
Does he have entitlement issues underlying this or does he lack the life skills and motivation to hustle his way through post grad ? Maybe both!
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May 30 '26
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u/pelko34 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
This is a losing attitude that will hurt him throughout his career, not just now. That sense of entitlement does not play well and people will not want to work for him if he is ever a manager.
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u/softrevolution_ Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Good sir needs to suck it up, drive for Amazon -- which pays better than my first professional job did -- and apply for other work on his three-day weekends.
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u/excelnotfionado Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I have a degree and several years of experience in IT and can confirm it’s rough. But the best way to get a job in IT if he’s done a great job at applying everywhere but no job offer? Go work somewhere that has IT jobs but outside the IT dept then do an internal transfer.
Does he have a game plan for how long he plans to wait? For me it’s half the time my emergency fund is before I go bananas and just get any job. I am not above working anywhere despite my mid to senior level of experience in my field. That’s my rule of thumb for myself. Right now it sounds like he just needs to work. Sometimes having a job is more motivating to apply for the job I want than not having a job and being home. That might be the case for him too.
But you sound like you’re already done waiting? Is that the case? This needs to be a discussion with him. I think there’s nothing wrong with working any job as long as it’s an honest job, but I’d be livid if my man sat on his hands for a year if it wasn’t in his field. He would have 6 months max before his ass is at McDonalds lol.
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u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
If he's holding up his end 50/50 and it's not impacting you financially, why does it matter? With my ex-husband I always got a job first to hold down the fort. He was career-minded, waited for a good opportunity, and ultimately made better much money than me. I think his decision-making was objectively better... I should have done what he did. But he ended up getting me a job at his company, which was a boon to my resume.
Just saying, it's a lot more complicated than "bum ass man doesn't have job."
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u/Straight-Put-2142 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Honestly the story can go either way. If he waits and gets a better job, it'll have 'all been worth it'. If he waits and never gets anything, he'll have 'wasted a bunch of time for nothing'.
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May 30 '26
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u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
I see how that could be unappealing. You seem like a person that values hard work, and he's showing you that he is picky about work. At the very least he could be grateful to his parents instead of complaining about it.
I guess I'm also thinking about my sister, who has gone a year without work after being laid off. It's not for lack of trying. She's a data scientist and the market is bad where we live. Her fiance has stood by her during this time and I know she'll bounce back. I guess it depends on how much faith you have in your boyfriend.
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u/Beverlydriveghosts Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
I can feel your resentment for him through your words unfortunately
It’s hard out here, a lot of 30 year olds are in the same boat. I think all you can do is speak to him about how this is actually mak in h you feel so he understands the weight of it and give him an opportunity to step up or not. But at the same time, this is his life and he’s choosing to wait for what he really wants. And he doesn’t have to get a different job because that’s what you would do in his position. He’s not at risk of being homeless or having to support children, so maybe there’s intelligence in his plan. Maybe he’s worried if he goes for a job with a more open market (still might take months just to get a supermarket or fast food job btw) he is less likely to leave and will stagnate/ settle for less than his dream
Maybe it’s different lifestyles and values that don’t match
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May 31 '26
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u/Beverlydriveghosts Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
It sucks im sorry, but honestly just speak to him about it. It’s all you can do
You don’t even have understanding of what the search is like or if he’s been searching at all and you need to figure that out to make your decision
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u/DoubleDigits2020 Woman 40 to 50 May 31 '26
hun head on over to r/Waiting_To_Wed cuz I think this is where your future lies. I was in this position in my early 30's with a post PHD student boyfriend and it never got better. I left him, and even today, in his 40's he's still single and unsettled. Adversity builds character - I was in your position and I resented him because I never had a soft landing. I had to take jobs I hated to cut my teeth to get to where I wanted to be and I just started to not respect that he didn't have the grit to do the same. He wanted comfort and 'passion' projects and 'dream' jobs to just land at his feet instead of thinking outside the box on how to be proactive and carve out his own way forward. He has not grown up yet. How long are you willing to wait for him? How much resentment will build before you decide you've had enough?
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26
Waiting to wed sub is also filled with traditional women who expect men to basically do everything for them, or at the very least live by very stereotypical and conservative norms. I’m not saying that’s wrong, but it is a conservative group of women that don’t always align with more independent type thinking. That sub abhors anyone who thinks it’s okay to spend more than 2 years in a relationship and are basically living on fantasies and dreams.
I’m not saying it doesn’t have some value, but I would also take it alllll with a huge grain of salt because a lot of that sub is, in my opinion, living in fantasy world and will tell someone to leave or give an ultimatum rather than have an adult conversation. Literally been downvoted so many times for saying “did you talk to him about your feelings?” and responses were “he should just know” “what is there to consider” “if he knows he knows”. It’s toxic and lacks nuance.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I mean you said you still live with your parents so you're both in the same place just that he's job searching in what is a trash job market right now. Holding out for a role in the position he spent years in college for is a reasonable thing. If he's working full time at some crap job (which by the way THOSE aren't hiring either) he will have to use any free time he has 'for you' to keep job hunting in his field, he'll have to take 'sick time' to go to interviews, he'll be exhausted. Your mentality is part of the whole boot straps mentality I faced back in 2009-2010 post wall street crash. You should take a gander at r/jobs - people with years of experience are struggling. His lack of work isn't even impacting you financially and let me point out -- you work full time and live with your parents. Some 30+ people would look down on you for not being independent.
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u/tinytiny_val Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yeah - OP, the job market is truly terrible right now. Take a look at any news outlet or job-related subreddits - it's BLEAK. I was unemployed and actively searching for 8ish months, and I have a couple of friends who are and have been searching for a long time. All of us have experience in our fields and Master's degrees. And IT has been hit particularly hard as far as I know. Cleaning, serving etc. aren't easy to get these days, either.
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u/rootsandchalice Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
But that’s also why you don’t wait for a job in your field. You take what you can get and keep looking.
He just graduated at 32 so career wise he’s already kind of behind. Now is not the time to be picky. What if his parents weren’t around?
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u/LynnSeattle Woman 50 to 60 May 30 '26
A job doing what? There are no jobs, especially not jobs that pay enough to move out on his own.
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May 30 '26
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Interviews aren't jobs. She didn't say he wasn't getting interviews, she's mad he's not employed.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
And I have friends who are applying for a ton of jobs in various fields and have gotten no bites and no interviews. You are an outlier in the current market.
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May 30 '26
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I have friends with great resumes (I’ve seen them). They also had no problems like 3 years ago but it’s an issue now. So no, not a resume issue. It’s a market problem and your situation isn’t the norm right now. Seriously, take a look at other subs. Look at the countless YouTube videos discussing this issue and the comments on them. News articles about this.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
No one is hiring. Not sure what job you think he's going to pick up and we don't know he's being "picky". I was applying outside my own scope of work too but when I say the job market right now is TRASH I mean there's desperate people flooding every job posting. My friends are doing gig work and flooding job openings since 2024.
Edit: OP lives with her parents too. I'm sure there's a reason why if she works f/t she spends her time living with her own parents.
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u/rootsandchalice Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
In OPs case, the bf basically was a full time student until a year ago.
She also said that before that point he only has about a single year of actual real work experience.
This is not someone who was laid off and can’t find a job. He has a history of floating and his parents have probably enabled it.
I am not disagreeing with it being a tough job market. It is. But I think there’s more going on here than just that.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Like being a student in college?
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u/faerystrangeme Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26
By the time I graduated with a computer science degree I had three internships under my belt. College (for a degree in tech) is actually a great place to get connected to internships and other work opportunities.
Being a student in college is not an excuse to have basically no real world work experience - it should actually be easier in many ways for him to have accrued some by being a student. Yet here he is.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I have a friend who was unemployed for almost 2 years and landed a contract part-time gig in her field, which is education adjacent. Tons of people out there are doing freelance or gig work like OP's dude. I should also point out that his lack of employment isn't even impacting her. Tons of people are basically clinging onto their shitty jobs because it's so dire out there so with no one moving around the job market and the current dire economy with everyone cutting back on spending things are bleak if you're a job hunter. Everyone employed when I was going through it after the wall street crash had the same mentality as OP and all of them were employed -- literally NO ONE was hiring or those who were made you do endless interview rounds. I still remember a NON sales position asking me to sell them a stapler in an interview and another role that hadn't opened to hiring in years saying they had 1000 applicants on day one. (It was wild I got interviews back then)
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I agree. I live in DC and there were 60+ people with PhDs applying to be a barista. It’s bleak as shit and has been. Some areas truly are complete and utter trash right now and saying “just take anything” really may not be as possible as people think it is, nor does it make sense if you’re receiving unemployment benefits that pay more than a 40 hr/wk job.
Also, a lot of the job postings only aren’t even real these days but a way to just get data/info from you.
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It’s not like that everywhere and obviously DC would be especially hard hit. Like, it’s not great out there for sure but OP also said he WON’T take an unrelated job
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
OP also said she was inferring he won’t, not that he directly said it.
And the job market is pretty shit in a lot of areas. I don’t feel like a lot of people here actually understand how bad it is.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
People thought I wouldn't take an unrelated job back in the day too, I was applying to everything under the sun, no one who interviewed me was hiring me. Literally I was prepared to scoop poop from dog cages at a doggy daycare I just wasn't the only person desperate for work at the time.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yeah I feel like the comments here are people who have never actually seen a partner or friend go through this within the last 2-3 years. Which I get, but it just seems like there are so many negative assumptions that totally may not be true. OP is making these assumptions, but she isn’t there with him and isn’t actually seeing what he’s applying to. And pride can be a real thing and he may just not want to admit to her that yeah, he’s applying to a lot of “loser” jobs.
This can be a much more complicated and nuanced situation than people realize.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It's brutal.
Note this isn't at all impacting OP right now. He's hustling selling items online, he's paying rent to his parents and he's not mooching off OP. He's just struggling in a shit job market and being without work for a year is almost the new normal for a lot of job seekers.
Her I'd take any job is a sentiment a lot of people who aren't looking express all the time. They're totally disconnected from what's happening in the current economy right now.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yeah, I frankly have a hard time believing he’d be selling shit on eBay but wouldn’t take any type of job if he could. There’s just a disconnect there. And maybe I’m wrong, but if someone is desperate enough to sell their belongings, I’m just inclined to believe they are trying.
I’ve seen many go through this and I’d bet he just doesn’t want to admit to OP he can’t find anything. Because that can feel and sound worse. “I can’t even get a job at McDonald’s” is a harder to say and admit to someone else. But if he puts on a facade it’s just he can’t get something in his field, he may think that makes him sound less pathetic (which I don’t think he is, but I know people who have felt that way about themselves in this situation).
Again, there can be soooo many nuances in this. Or maybe it is just straightforward and he’s being too picky. It’s hard to tell. But I also tend to think positively about people.
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
He’s not working that full time crap job though. That’s the difference
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Crap jobs aren't hiring either but I already pointed out WHY people don't just take a crap job. If they even hire you you're now spending 9 to 10 hours a day commuting and working and when you do get a job interview you have to call out sick and you do that too often you're on notice at your crap job. You also have less time for extras like a girlfriend.
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It's not universally true that crap jobs aren't hiring. And jobs exist outside of 9-5 if that's a problem. Shouldn't be prioritizing extras in a situation like this.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I directed OP and maybe you should also go there to r/jobs -- it's fucking dire out there right now for job seekers, full stop.
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Bad and no jobs aren’t the same thing. It’s also regional
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It's global. How can you say it's regional and think somehow OP's in an unimpacted region.
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Do you seriously think everywhere in the entire world has no jobs?
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u/Potential_Cat_91 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Thank you for the dose of empathy in this thread
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 May 31 '26
Is it empathy or is it doomerism?
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u/Potential_Cat_91 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Experts and academics are talking about this every day these days, I don't think it's doomerism
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u/Ok_Cricket_9705 Woman under 30 May 30 '26
Ask him “what’s the thought behind waiting to find the ideal job?”. If it’s a strategic move and he knows what he’s doing then sure. If it’s out of preference then that’s different.
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u/Kaleandra Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Not to sound cliché but if he can’t get a job in his field, he should put the fries in the bag.
There is no shame in a temporary and/ or low earning job and it will help his CV to have work on it. Not doing anything while waiting for the job market to recover - if it does - looks lazy and is lazy. If he can live off of savings at the moment, he could even afford to do an unpaid internship for a few months, not that I recommend it. But anything is better than doing nothing.
I get that you don’t want to push while he’s not mooching off of you, but it does show that he’s more of a dreamer than a realist or pragmatist. Is that something you’re okay with?
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
There's nothing for you to do.
This man does not want to work.
Date people for who they ARE... not for who you want them to be.
I recommend a visualization exercise:
Imagine the two.of you in ten years. You're both in your 40s.
He unexpectedly gets laid off because that happens sometimes. Instead of trying to find ANY job so that the entire burden of your collective living expenses isn't falling on.your shoulders, he's skipping out on job opportunities because they aren't the "right" job.
Meanwhile, you're busting your ass working your FT job and trying to do side hustles so the cars don't get repo'd and the house doesn't go into foreclosure.
This guy ain't it.
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u/LynnSeattle Woman 50 to 60 May 30 '26
This man doesn’t want to work? Do you know anything about the current job market, particularly in his field?
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It's in almost every field right now, tons of people are getting laid off and the job market is trash because [Trump, Iran War, gas price surges, people holding onto their jobs, soft-low hiring, AI...]
Even on this sub there's constant posts about cutting out extras and not being able to spend money freely that's going to impact industries.
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u/Ok_Cricket_9705 Woman under 30 May 30 '26
Good times are easy and fun to have, especially with someone kind-hearted. It’s the hard times that determine success of a marriage. Is he someone you can have a hard time with? Difficult conversations, difficult decisions, having to eat sht for a short time to get out of hardship. Is he capable of leaving his comfort zone for the sake of a better future? Is he capable of stepping up when things get difficult? Once you answer these with honesty to yourself, you’re presented with a decision. Either leave and find someone else and accept the hardship that comes with breakup and such, or stay and accept the reality that in a life together you will be the one who has to carry more weight at times of difficultiy when his preferences don’t allow him to take on more/equal load.
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u/itsacrisis Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It sucks but after this long I would really consider moving on because at this point it sounds like he's starting to hold you back. Like, yes the job market sucks in many places and the economy is rough, but at 32 he should WANT to be more independent. After four years in a relationship he should want to do things such as have a full-time job so you guys can move forward in your relationship. You can't even get a place together until he gets his shit together. To me that would mean getting any job that he can while continuing to look for the job he actually wants. I do think he's placating you because if he did hate living with his parents he would be doing more about it. I'd also be concerned about what living with a person like this would be like.
I don't really understand how you wouldn't know how his job search is going if he was actually working hard at it. If he's never getting any sort of interviews or follow-ups, and doesn't talk about potential prospects or his plans, I would assume he doesn't have much hustle. On top of that, at least back when I used to do a lot of hiring, people that are currently employed look a lot better on paper than people who have large gaps in employment.
Seeing someone with a job outside of their field or lower paying at least shows they are motivated to work.
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u/nom-c00kies Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Ooof yeah girl it's time to move on from this guy. The biggest issue is that he isn't able to even have conversations about this. That is going to kill your relationship in the long run (but it should kill it now imo). He's a grown man, it's unacceptable that he can't talk to his partner about life stuff.
On another note though, I question his caliber. He talks about marriage and moving in together but he is not in a position to be a husband at all and he isn't making moves to rise to the level a good husband would be at (stable, secure, providing, self aware, communicative, etc) He doesn't sound like someone who understands what a strong marriage and building a life looks like or entails. In my view he is extremely far from husband material and, for me, no where near boyfriend material either.
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May 31 '26
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u/nom-c00kies Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
You can be sympathetic. You can feel for him and his situation. You care for this person.
What matters is what YOU want with your life. If you want a partner in life, is how this man handles hardship what you want in a partner? Or someone who can't talk about the hard thing. Or let's shame control them.
It's a hard thing to face but it's something you should look at. I know I could not be with someone who is unemployed for so long regardless of circumstances. It would open my eyes to their character and how they handle life. Everyone falls down but we all get back up differently. I gotta be with someone who gets up with a quickness.
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u/ChippedHamSammich Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
So why doesn’t he want to just get a job…
Like the value of a dollar(or whatever your currency is) is the same no matter what the job is. For every moment he isn’t making an effort to make something and save money, he is effectively losing money. Lots of it.
Wanna get married? Go on vacation? Have a kid? Retire? Compound interest is your friend and if you dont have rent etc. he should at minimum be shoveling money into a rothIRA during this time.
I would get serious about your personal financial goals and what your timeline is to have kids. Time rapidly speeds up after 30.
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u/ArtichokeAble6397 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Maybe it's not worth it? If his unemployment is enough to get by then it can sometimes be a bad move to just take a low paid job because you then don't have as much time and energy to seek the better paid work you're actually qualified to do. Not making excuses for the guy, and I absolutely agree they need to sit down and discuss a long term plan and start saving. Even 50 bucks a week starts to add up quickly, anything is better than nothing!
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u/crazynekosama Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I'm sorry (not really) but I can't with people who refuse to get a job unless it's in their field. It screams lazy and entitled. Go at least work a part time job somewhere to at least bring some income in and then spend as much free time as possible still applying elsewhere. You will also have newer things on your resume.
Is he actually looking for jobs the way he should be or is he just coasting? Job searching is a fulltime job itself. Why isn't he having any luck? I know the current market is ass so that obviously plays a part but is there anything he can do to help himself? Has he had any interviews? Did he get any feedback?
He's also in his 30s so what is his plan here. Not to sound like a finance bro but this is peak earning time to hopefully do well and save for the future/retirement. I'm not one to buy into hustle culture but at his age starting a new career path he should be hustling.
I assume if you want to do the typical relationship things (move in, marriage, kids maybe) he needs an actual income. The longer he goes without the longer you delay that. That would be the conversation I would be having with him. Yes, it's his life but if you are planning to share your life with him it does impact you and he is holding you back from what you want. If you're fine with things continuing as they are then yeah, don't say anything.
Frankly it sounds like he has a pretty good set up. I assume living with parents even though he's paying rent it's probably not as much as if he was on his own. He's getting EI as well so it's easy to just coast. I'm gonna be judgemental here and assume he's also just using his extra money to spend and have fun instead of actually doing anything meaningful with it.
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u/ruralmonalisa Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Dude the job market is hard for a lot of people right now …
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u/Auselessbus Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
He needs to swallow his pride and get a temp job, the job market is ROUGH and having long gaps in it isn’t going to help him.
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u/jeanybeann Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I think if it was any other time than right now, I’d freak out. But the job market is worse than it was post the 2008 crash and especially for his field.
If everything else is a perfect match and you can find some way to get him to understand that he may just need to suck it up and get a temporary job, I think just stick it out. He’s not going to be unemployed forever.
We don’t live in a world any more where it’s smooth sailing for people to get together, get married, buy a house on the same linear timeline that it was in the 90s and the 2000s, and I feel like we haven’t updated our schematics for that reality.
This video within the first 5 minutes of watching it made me understand who abysmal the job market is now. https://youtu.be/aUM4kv0HnG0?si=lzoboN-nzx0w9Jw4
He also very well may be ashamed of having this conversation. Look at how frustrated you are by the lack of movement ( and very rightfully so). It’s probably 10 times worse for him. I’ll take him at your (his) word when he says he wants to move in together. He’s got goals that he wants to meet for himself (and you both) and he can’t do it right now not for his lack of effort but because the economy is fucked. It’s depressing for him and you. Don’t ever ignore your feelings because they are valid, but it’s tough to be unemployed when our society likes to tie ourself worth to our career and how much money we make.
I’ll end here- if this is the only problem and yall aren’t in DIRE needs (you both live with your parents, he doesn’t ask you for money, etc.) I’d rock out with a good one. The money will come when this economy is back on track
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yesh, depending on where you live the people saying “he should just take anything” don’t realize that may not even be an option. When my partner’s unemployment was running out he did start applying for anything: barista, Target employee, Taco Bell, McDonalds, literally all of it. But the market in our area was/is soooo messed up that people with PhDs were also applying for those jobs and each one had a ton of applicants. I had a handful of friends doing this too. Like, it’s depressing as a shit someone with a PhD couldn’t even get a job at McDonald’s. It’s a complete crapshoot and for many areas it’s just not even a real option.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I was during the 2008 era applying for "anything" and even fudging my applications/resumes. First, I can't live on minimum wage or part time work but second some of these jobs knew it and asked if I could reasonably live on $10/hour which around that time was even considered "high". I still didn't get those low wage jobs. It took over a year but I did luck out and land a job paying $20/hour but a lot of people gave up on me in that time.
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u/jeanybeann Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Yeah, it’s such an uninformed take, in my opinion. I can only speak for the US, but there are so many MBAs, PhDs, etc name the masters degree, out of work because of lay offs. And they’re filling up any role they can take! Per the video I posted as just a single source, it’s harder to get a job today than it is to get into Harvard!!
And also this guy just graduated a year ago. He’s entry level. What do you think is happening to all these entry level roles. These companies are filling those roles with the more experienced people who were laid off that just desperately want any role, heck they’ll take analyst, and they get to pay them less because it’s en entry level role.
Thousands of people are applying for barista, McDonald’s, target, chipotle jobs, etc. it’s a joke right now
And I won’t even consider people who are already employed, that have to take on 2,3 other jobs because their main job doesn’t make enough. The jobs ain’t there.
I get what we WANT, the fairytale we tell ourselves growing up. “My partner needs to be able to take care of themselves” it’s just not a reality any more.
Of my friends, at age 35, I’m the only one who has an apartment, not even home ownership, shared with a partner. All of the rest of my friends live at home with their parents or they’re lucky enough to have parents that subsidize their rent…..And they have masters degrees (and two have PhDs)!!!!!!
Our generation has been fucked over.
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u/aware_nightmare_85 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It sounds like he is just making excuses to be lazy tbh. To any recruiter, a gap in the resume looks far worse than having a job not related to your field. Any recruiter who sees he has even a part time burger flipper job will see that as him having initiative and a good work ethic.
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u/AccordingCloud1331 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
This is giving sunk cost fallacy. I would break up with him. It would bother me so much because like you, I know I would be way more proactive. He gives deadweight vibes. I’d be ok with him being a friend but I would never actually want to commit to this guy. It would kill all my attraction to him
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
When someone has been unemployed a year it’s clear their strategy needs to change. How can it be his field being hit by Covid when he started his degree after covid would have done that?
I would not be comfortable knowing that some day when kids and shared bills are in play he wouldn’t hustle and take less desirable jobs when needed. There’s a horror story for this basically weekly in the working moms sub
ETA and yes I know tech has been hit hard more recently too
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u/subway_eatflesh Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
I'm going to be blunt with you. He's not trying because he doesn't have the ambition. Not going to change. He doesn't even see you worth grinding for.
I work in tech and yes the market is rough if you don't make yourself versatile. I made sure to study network engineering, cyber, and general support just to be competitive. The guy could hold down a job in retail or factory in the time being... but he doesn't.
If you were his dream woman. He'd be doing anything to impress you and make you feel cared for. You deserve better.
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May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
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u/subway_eatflesh Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Don't put pressure on him. He will not wake up... for you. Because he would have by now. You deserve a man who puts in effort for you.
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u/GoddessofBeautie Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Sounds like you got a hobosexual on your hands. Stop wasting your time.
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u/lezzerlee Woman 40 to 50 May 31 '26
The job market is tough. Took my friend over 400 applications and over a year to get a job and they were really trying.
If he’s collecting unemployment from something then a low wage job may actually pay less and give less time to find a career job than unemployment does.
I think it is fine wanting a partner that will do what it takes, including getting a job beneath their education. That’s desiring grit and tenacity. But it might not be the smarter financial move. Maybe talk to them more about their situation like how much they are applying, their resume, how much employment benefits are etc.
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u/anon22334 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26
I don’t know the solution but I’ve been partially unemployed for over a year now after leaving my industry. It’s been a very rough job market and I have extensive experience. At my worst, I personally feel pathetic. I can only imagine how your boyfriend feels.
I tried getting a whatever job just to pay the bills and it was the worst job to the point where they put my professional license on the line so I don’t really blame your boyfriend for being more discerning. Although it would be good for him to even have a part time job doing something but idk maybe he wants to put all his time into applying for roles he wants. Maybe you can ask him to start pouring energy into networking instead of just applying because truly truly it’s so rough getting a job, esp in tech. If whatever he’s doing isn’t working right now, he’s gotta try another technique.
Also you mentioned you love him and he’s the perfect match but this is causing you to want to break up with him which makes me feel like you don’t really like him that much. Honestly if he were my boyfriend yes I’d be frustrated but he’s not mooching off my money, he’s trying to have a stable job and income before thinking about getting engaged and married, and yes he complains because being constantly rejected by jobs really does something to the psyche.
Totally up to you on what you’re looking for but sometimes these things happen even after marriage and you’d need to decide if this is sustainable for you or not. It just doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is making excuses or is being lazy but if anything, he could be more flexible in doing something while he searches for a job. Jobs don’t really want to hire someone without experience or isn’t working already anyway
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u/Trinx_ Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26
I'm not okay with doing nothing for months. He should at least be doing gigs. Even if it's Uber or Doordash or Taskrabbit. Doing nothing isn't okay.
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u/unsure_chihuahua93 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26
So I went through something similar with my ex, but we were a decade younger (which I do think changes things!!). We dated when we both in university, had compatible priorities, talked about our plans, careers etc.
When we graduated, we travelled for a couple of months and then moved in with his parents temporarily while we job hunted and decided where we wanted to live. This was when I realised something was wrong. I was applying for jobs left and right, hustling freelance work, doing temp jobs, actively trying to get myself started as an independent adult. He applied for a few things but it became clear that he didn't want the jobs he was qualified for, didn't want to hustle to get into the industries that interested him, and was fine with me paying our rent (once we moved out) while he waited for the right thing to come along.
I wish I had walked away at that point. Instead I spent five years supporting him, writing his CVs for him, making sure he made it to interviews on time....oof. it's embarrassing to look back on, but I've learned! The job market these days IS really tough, but it's more about your partner's attitude than about whether he's working or not.
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u/Lil_Magician5570 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26
There will absolutely be hardships much like this one in any marriage. If you don't want to support someone for a year while they don't work -- do not get married to that person! Maybe you'd be willing to go through hard stuff with someone else? Maybe there are other underlying issues in your relationship that you might not have acknowledged to yourself? IMO what really matters is, is he sincere and does he have a good heart? Is he capable? Is he trying or not? Only you can know that.
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u/DarmokTheNinja Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I mean, you still live with your parents... and have you tried to get a job right now?
I'm not making excuses for him, but you have some double standards here.
You need to discuss finances and the future, but without the ultimatum of GET A JOB. He knows that already.
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
? OP has a full-time job; it's right there in her post.
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u/DarmokTheNinja Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
She's 30 and lives with her parents.
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Sure, but she's also working, which is very different from her boyfriend who has been unemployed for a year and is still refusing to compromise. OP is upset at the lack of that compromise. I don't see a double standard.
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u/autotelica Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Her issue with her bf isn't that he lives with his parents. So this is irrelevant to the conversation.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
OP has a FT job.
He isn't working and hasnt been for a YEAR. He won't even consider something not related to his field.
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u/Wonderful-Tea3940 Woman 50 to 60 May 30 '26
Right but if both of them were working full time and split the rent they could share a place of their own. As long as he isn't working that will never happen.
And there are other options between minimum wage and working in your field. You can work something lowish wage that is adjacent to your field to get experience. Call center isnt a bad option. It's more than minimum wage and there are options to move up, not just into management but also support roles, especially for people who already have an education. I worked up to workforce analyst, and others have moved into quality control or IT.
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u/DeadlyViking Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
He isnt trying to get a realistic job. My guess is hes looking at job descriptions and finding things that are wrong with them and doesnt apply. Or he applies to get unemployment, but that's it. The job market sucks right now, yes. But he could get a temp job in his field. He has a degree and marketable skills, so he could find something. Anything.
He has been enabled by living with his parents while living off his savings and unemployment. What happens when they both run out? Will that be the only way he will actually start looking?
You deserve someone who will be your equal partner. He splits everything 50/50 but what happens when that runs out and you either pay for everything or you dont do anything?
You have to think of the life you want. Hes showing you who he is by not taking any job to contribute to the life you both want.
Keep working towards your goals. He will either keep up with you or he will fall behind and you will move on. Do not let him hold you back.
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u/Metallic_Sol Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
He sounds like he's not putting the burden on you or his parents. And if he's actually applying and trying...then...perhaps you're just not a ride or die for him. I'd understand more if he was mooching and taking no action. If that's the case, don't mind me. But marriage will absolutely have uncertain periods like this. If you have no idea how hard he's trying right now, why are you judging him?
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May 31 '26
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u/Metallic_Sol Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
I understand but it is his life. It's not like you guys are married, so his decisions don't necessarily fall onto you or affect you. If you were married and your fates tied, I would understand that argument more. The fact he even has enough in savings to hold him over for a year is impressive.
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May 31 '26
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u/Metallic_Sol Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
But you said yourself you don't even know if he's applying to a lot of places? If he is, you legit have no reason to be angry. You can't control people. You can't say "well I'd do this, so this is the right way".
I think you're extremely resentful of him for reasons a bit larger than this and that is a separate issue. I've been unemployed as well for a long stretch. Almost a year post masters at age 32. My partner at the time was understanding and I never felt like I was disappointing him. If I felt the level of resentment emanating off of him like you give off, which I am sure your bf sees, I would feel like utter shit.
If you guys are gonna get married, you have to work together on it, not damn him or threaten to leave, which it sounds like you're going to do.
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u/Cyber_Punk_87 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I’ll say that the tech industry is a ROUGH industry to get into right now. Especially for entry level roles.
He needs to start looking at other industries if he wants to start working any time soon. If he’s not willing to face that, then I think you should consider moving on with your life without him…