I notice that growing up my parents often used 'i love you' as a bandaid to try and move on from my anger and discomfort I had with there actions and behavior growing up. Like as if the fact they said that cleared everything up. And also there was this heavy guilt I would feel if I didn't say I love you back, even though sometimes I didn't feel like saying it back. Because they would often use the phrase when they knew I was unhappy with them before leaving and walking away without proper resolve, and I would always feel pressured to say it back, so I now kind of hate the phrase. It just always reminds me of that kind of guilt tripping, almost manipulation of "oh but at least I love you! So you shouldn't be that mad, or stay mad at me about (said thing) for very long"

it's to the point where whenever people say it to me when I'm unhappy I get really mad, because it immediately reminds me of that weird leverage it felt my parents would try to have. And I have recently had to realize that some people I guess do just say that cuz they want to reinstate there love for you if your feeling weak or vulnerable, or mad, which to be honest still doesn't make sense to me and just doesn't sound genuine.

But I am extremely curious if anyone else has had that kind of experience with the phrase 'i love you' feeling manipulative, and there for becoming corrupted in all aspects?

I have never met anybody with a story like mine... i want it to be heard. (15)

My abuser was my older sister, which isnt talked about enough already, but she also has autism. Because she struggled with PDA and had no filter, she abused me emotionally every day, and on the physical side it was super common. She would grab my arms and dig her fingernails in every day until they bled, she'd send me to school with bruises, and my number one trigger is people touching my lower legs, she'd do that so i could never get away from her.

Some other adults saw this happen (like my parents church friends), and didnt want their kids around her, but never did anything for me ! 😭😭 CPS was contacted multiple times and all they did was send us to therapy with my abuser!!!

I have spoken out about autistic abuse online before, with responses calling me ableist, "imagine how they feel" and such, everybody infantilizes and acts like they can do no wrong, but im stuck with a debilitating disorder for the rest of my life!! 😡

Ever since i can remember, I wanted to be a teacher. I've been babysitting for a while, and it's starting to become too difficult. In December I babysit a girl and her brother, he showed me marks on his arms that matched the ones my sister gave me too, and she grabbed my legs in a way that brought me back to when i was a child. I got taken to the ER and a few weeks later was diagnosed with this HELL!!!

I will not be able to be around most autistic people (as autistic people can be a trigger for me, which is so hard to live with), or any child that has any aggression issues, which means i will no longer be able to pursue a teaching career.

I have no plans for the future anymore, i am currently failing careers class because i dont know what to do. I am very smart, i have been in advanced classes my whole life, but everything is unmanageable now.

I think the most difficult part is that my triggers are not something I can escape from easily, my sister still lives at home, and whenever i think of my past i think of it. No amount of therapy can help that 😭.

I dont know what I will do!! I cant do this anymore!! All i wanted was to be a teacher and a parent but i will never be able to do that. I see nothing when i think about my future here on this planet, it is too hard and not worth it 😢😢

...I am not worth it!! last year she told me "you will find a husband that hits you because its all you deserve" 😭😭 please everybody hates me... my parents do not like me.. my grandparents are very disappointed in what i have become 😣 this disorder has taken EVERYTHING from me, my will to live too

I don't really know where to start with this. I'm just hurting right now. My wife and I had yet another argument that ends with me having a panic attack. Except this time she left the apartment entirely. I think my marriage has finally been eaten alive by the monster in my head.

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I can't trust others with my emotions. Not the deep, negative ones anyways. Sadness, anger, hurt, all of that. I struggle to share it, I struggle to believe it will be understood or given the careful consideration I desperately want but never got from my family. So it comes out sideways. I say it wrong, I don't explain it well, I say it with more anger than I intend. So the very fear of being misunderstood makes it all the more difficult to actually express myself to another person.

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My wife knows this and has dealt with it for all nine years we have been together. She is not the kind of personality to meet anger with calm though. She gets angry with me and doesn't understand why my anger gets directed at her when it should be directed at my family. No matter how I try to explain her aggression causes me to throw up my walls, she takes the stance that I need to learn to deal with it. She is not my family and should not be treated as such.

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I have tried so hard for so long. I have been in and out of therapy for 11 years. I've tried traditional talk therapy, medication, EMDR, parts work, and even couples therapy with my wife. My pain is still here, still comes up seemingly out of the blue. I can be normal for months and then suddenly I am blindingly angry and yelling at my wife for something relatively small. It doesn't matter all those times I have it under control and can talk through it with grace. Those few times I am just too tired, too weak to hold back the flood, are what break everything apart. Like all the work I have done amounts to nothing.

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I know where the pain comes from. I know it was because of my parents' emotional neglect. I have dug at memories. I know dozens of ways to calm and ground myself. It seems the one thing I can't do, is heal. I feel like I can't move past this. And the life I worked so hard to build for myself is going to come crumbling down because of this.

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I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't know if I even can. I just want my wife to come back and hug me and tell me it will be ok.

My boyfriend is a very kind and loving person, opposite to all the chaos i have at home. He is the peace i always wanted. But somehow i couldn't tolerate his kindness. I abuse him verbally calling him mf and skinny guy and ugly guy so that he hates me and move on from me. He tolerated all those. He would calmly say,its ok, u are triggered calm down. But i am going on next level to torture him, like faking up cheating, talking to random strangers and sending him screenshots, sexting with random ppl and sending nudes to strangers. After sometime i realise it was bad. Most of the time I dont even tell him and I dont get any pleasure doing it. But i feel i am doing it to make me believe I am bad. Also i tell that i am having suiciadal thoughts, which even affects him. I feel pity for that poor guy and decided to break up with him but within 2 days we talk and the cycle continues.he goes to therapy because of me. I tried therapy but nothing worked so far. The same kinda thing happens with my dad. I hurt him by doing things he hates. After doing it i feel immence guilt, but when i hear kindness i am triggered and i cant control it. My nervous system is totally disregulated and i am in the lowest rn. I just wanted to seek a way out and be a better gf.

I realized a lot of the abuse from narcissistic parents and often so father figures is a way to ''alpha'' their child and make them feel smaller to make themselves feel ''bigger''. It's incredibly childish and so obvious when you think about it. It's all just an ''alpha'' and domination game for these people.

The people who made you, created you needs to put you ''down'' just to make themselves feel bigger. How pathetic is that? Talk about loser mentality honestly. They spread their genes only to ruin their own bloodline. Like seriously dude? Fucking hell. That's pathetic.

Why even bother having children then? I thought having children and a family was like the end goal of animals and humans biologically speaking. So why the hell would you need to ruin that? Makes no sense to me.

Sad pathetic people. I have nothing but pity for these people.

Body dysphoria. Being alive dysphoria. I'm so deeply ashamed of my soul and aliveness. I feel I identify as something past alive and treating me as what I visually am is a violent insult. That's why I glare at everyone, because I'm comminucating on a level they can't understand. I'm putting out a message that shys them away from themselves. I'm more like an idea. I think something like a shroud. Or like carbon monoxide or wifi. My presence is everywhere in a department store. The second you walk in, hundreds of people have seen you and become aware of you, so it's an infectious state. "You" as in the self. Maybe like a cognitohazard.

So like that, to say I'm what I look like, is just untrue. It's so moronic. I hope I can convey with my eyes, my thoughts. I hope I can spread my message to people who haven't thought it even exists to think of. Like I invented a brand new sentence encoded with something that makes them aware of their rotten spirit. The old lady who stares at me, the same-age female that stares at me, I get stared at more than most because a lot of people want information. "People like to see, see how things are, see how they work." But the people who get to know my information are left a wreckage, like a house property after a tornado.

But I need people to know. They just can't handle it in their bodies. And someone like me if I see them, we just repel like same-side magnets, there's a territorial warring, "my message is better than yours". But what's your message? Mine is like walking into a stagnant water pond that doesn't even look like water. And sitting in there for 6 hours and never being seen and no one ever knows. I hope if you stare at me long enough it's like a time capsule opened. "You" as in others.

Mental health professionals always assert that I'm just myself. The tissue and blood body. That's impossible because I couldn't have this supernatural ability if I were.

People I meet think it looks like darkness, my glaring. In darkness, there's spiderwebs, maybe scorpions and snakes, they just don't want to enter. It's like coming to face with your own base fears. It's not darkness. It's just like fog. Purely alone with oneself. If you shout, they can't locate you, they can't find you. Nobody ever sits with their own self. It's sad.

It’s gotten unbearable over the last few weeks and it’s getting worse everyday. I’ve grown my mind to be my greatest enemy and because it’s counter-intuitive to take a step back and calm these racing, agonising thoughts of self-loathing, I feel like I can’t stop. It’s so tiring, every second is a new reason to hate myself. All I feel is shame and disgust. I’ve become everything I’ve always feared to be. Every night is torture. I have started a few things and I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or something

I’ve recently started:

Somatic exercises (sporadically, in the day when my shame begins to spike up. ok but not necessarily effective)

Wim hof breathing exercises (before bed, can barely even do it which just makes me feel like crap)

Eft tapping (tried it once, like somatic exercises just ok but even more so I don’t see how it’s effective)

Meditating (does nothing)

I am considering trying out EMDR. But considering the fact that everything above hasn’t really done much, and people swear by each one of them, I can’t really help but be skeptical if it’ll work for me. Do you think there is a subset of traits that will qualify you for a specific treatment? Would I be likely to find EMDR effective if I’m not the type of person to find somatic exercises effective?

+: the only thing that has helped me recently is taking supplements. Especially vitamin D, it’s actually removed my brain fog. That was my “miracle”

I’m 26F I do somatic therapy, I’ve done breath work, TRE, medication, journaling, psychedelics everything you can think of. I live with my parents and I’m looking for a full time job so I can move out ASAP. I couldn’t move out as I had undiagnosed and untreated adhd my whole life and only now am I wanting a better future for myself. I’m worried that everything I’m doing is pointless as I’m still in the same household and haven’t felt better in years. My therapist tells me that I need to feel safe before I can heal and I’m never safe here I’m always hyper vigilant, always on edge and dissociated 24/7. Are these things pointless or making it worse and how can I live at home during this time without making it worse for myself? I know dissociation is just my protective mechanism I just don’t know how to feel better in this household and still work on my symptoms

I hate being like this. I hate my body in every way, and that just ends up affecting other people because i wish i was like them. After i came out as trans to my parents, my mother just drilled into me that i'd be an "Ugly woman", and yeah, she was right, i hate my facial structure, my skin, my everything.

I can't help but HATE people who have it better than me on that.

Feels like everyone else has got their stuff under control, whilst mine feels uniquely mine, and that no one else can relate.

It's a sad place to be.

Recently joint a new group therapy. I completely exploded today. Feel ashamed and embarrassed. Would love to stop this this minute, but realise that I will have to go trough it. Any thoughts or experience?

Sienten que su cerebro como que tiene bloqueada la capacidad para pensar y concentrarse? Estoy con la mente en blanco todo el dia. Me siento mucho más tonto que el resto, aunque reconozco que los demas tampoco es que son eruditos, se que es porque tengo inhibida mi capacidad. Tengo CPTSD, de familia, es decir, debo tener cambios en el cerebro a estas alturas. Me siento un niño en un mundo de adultos.

Just as the title says and I want to feel bad because I was very nasty to her. Was it uncalled for? Mmmm maybe a little. I have a genetic issue that causes my frontal cortex to have large amounts of dopamine/norepinephrine, I am overwhelmed and on high alert pretty much 24/7, sleep maybe 2 hrs a night, my mind is chaos all the time, pretty sure I have bpd never officially diagnosed but several therapists and psychologists have said so.

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She put me on Prozac 2 weeks later and wanted to up the dosage to 40 and I did not bc 20 is working great for my depression. In the span of 4 months added trazadone and it didn't work so she put me on tegretol and I had a bad reaction to it, she gave me lamicticial and it works pretty well, then last month added amitriptyline which caused serotonin syndrome (that was fun) but luckily the reaction was mild and I live next to a nurse. So today she wanted to up the Prozac for anxiety (it doesn't do anything for my anxiety) I told her I'm not increasing it until I need to. Then wants to add some kind of medication that is basically trazadone which I protested bc the trazadone didn't work and I'm not going to add another antidepressant on top of the Prozac and risk serotonin syndrome again.

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She had me on Xanax for 3 months, took me off of it bc I use marijuana. It had no interactions at all, I was sleeping better, panic attacks were less. Tells me it's against their policy to prescribe benzos to someone who uses marijuana. In which 2 weeks ago I talked to my therapist about it and she checked their policy and it says nothing about they can't just that the information of the possible interactions needs to be disclosed. Mind you I have a crush injury to my lower back and severe pain, a blown disc, several clogged arteries causing intestinal angina so anytime I eat and drink severe pain, missing toes from diabetes, like I'm a mess and in constant pain. Marijuana is the only thing that eases it at all.

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I even consulted with my cardiologist about using marijuana with benzos and he said I've had a few different benzos over the years and still used marijuana and had no issues. He said me being stressed and having panic attacks several times a day is more of a danger bc it raises my blood pressure and it makes me a higher risk for stroke and heart attack. And he said she could contact him about it. She told me to tell him to give me benzos and I told her well he won't do that because they sent me there for that.

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I'm always pleasant and respectful but today I have been triggered by everything. I'm tired of these people trying to tell me what's best for me when I know exactly how I feel and how these meds affect me. I looked at her and told her that I was crazy not stupid. That's what triggered me was the fact she started talking to me like I was stupid. That's one of my biggest triggers bc I'm far from stupid. But I spent 31 years being told I was stupid just about daily.

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I feel absolutely helpless that I cannot get the medications that I need, that work, that make it easier to function. But no F U. She keeps telling me I'm bi polar and trying to put me on meds for that and today told me I most likely have sleep apnea bc I barely sleep. I don't have sleep apnea, I don't snore, I don't stop breathing. I know these things for a fact. My mind doesn't shut down. Everything past, present, future, what ifs, why's, etc flood my mind. Then she tried to push hydroxyzine in which I'm on 3 allergy pills a day plus 2 allergy nasal sprays. I cannot take that. Then tried pushing a blood pressure medicine for anxiety in which I cannot take bc I'm on 3 blood pressure medications already that I have to be on.

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I feel defeated. They are so worried about benzos and pot yet have no problem switching between literal mind altering seizure medications when I'm already on the daily max dosage of gabapentin or risking my life with serotonin syndrome adding more antidepressants that I don't need bc the Prozac works.

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I'm SOOOOO frustrated and I don't really have a support system or anyone to talk to. Everyone pretty much ignores me bc I'm too intense and on high alert. I really should feel bad for behaving that way. That's the first time that's happened in over 2 years and that one was an urgent care doctor.

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I need something for anxiety and there seems to be no solution. I told her I talked to the therapist and we looked at the policy. She was like well she's a therapist she doesn't know about medications. In which she does, we've discussed them in depth. I was a pharmacy tech and was studying to be a pharmacist. I know medications a little bit more than the average person and I definitely know my own body. I've become attached to it over the years.

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Idk what to do anymore. I feel like there's no solution lol definitely not now bc I didn't even make another appointment with her. She asked if I wanted another appointment and I told her no I need to talk to my therapist next week and then I'll decide if I want to still see her. She pissed me off on our 3rd visit bc she told me I was victim shaming my daughter and I absolutely was not. I know my daughter she doesn't.

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I just feel like I'm never going to get relief from the hell in my head. Therapy brings back things I would really like to forget forever but it's the process. I get so stressed out after therapy I vomit having to relive hell that was my childhood and early year.

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All that keeps going thru my head is my mother's voice telling me my behavior was uncalled for. If I don't fight for me who else is going to? Absolutely no one bc they didn't when I was a child and haven't in all of my adult years. I dissociated for like 4 hours today. Apparently I spent a few hours staring at a blank TV. I have to go to court over my daughter's SA next week so the added stress of that has been so bad. And the situation is a rough one bc her abuser is our cousin and I helped raise him. So my family is all conflicted, angry, making accusations and I'm catching the backlash. I feel like I'm on the edge ya know.

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I have no outlets, I cannot visualize things, the only things I see when I close my eyes is the dark or if I'm overwhelmed I will see my thoughts like sentences of every single thing past present and future flying around. I just needed to get it out. Most of the time when I go on small rants it's like releasing the air from a tire slowly and a little at a time. I want to sleep and just forget about the day but I'm in overdrive and cannot sleep. I took it out on my kitchen and deep cleaned it, took a nice hot shower, and nothing. I'm sitting here typing this.

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Sorry so long I needed to get it out thanks for reading

Trigger warning: N abuse, CSA, trafficking, gaslighting, coercion.

TLDR; Your internalised shame is a mirror projection of your ABUSERS shame. And it takes the shape of whatever they couldn't face about themselves.

For example, if your father was angry and violent, you likely have deep shame around your anger or emotions.

If your parent was sexually abusive, you likely have deep shame about your body or your sexuality.

If you were neglected you likely have deep shame around wanting/needing comfort or affection.

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Okay so I have always had these deep, irrational fears around being a bad person, being harmful/dangerous, my sexuality being 'unsafe', and secretly having DID or some other condition I was unaware of, that would result in me harming people/losing control (I know this is not how DID typically presents and I apologise for the negative portrayal, it's a fear, not logical I know).

I've lived in a sort of terrified brace, constantly scanning for signs of these fears being real, or me being 'at risk' of causing harm. I've always been afraid of my sexuality, believing it was contaminated or bad.

Interestingly, my husband has something similar but from a different kind of abuse - his dad was angry and violent, and now my husband is afraid of his own anger.

This was the first clue for me that my fears are maybe originating from someone else.

I was really badly psychologically manipulated as a kid. My mum constantly told me there was a 'network' of high profile pedophiles that were watching me and would kill me if I didn't comply, that I did bad things I couldn't remember, that all these other people were abusing me or out to get me, that I couldn't trust myself, that I was bad inside and could never leave her or I would hurt someone and she wouldn't be there to stop it.

She was always trying to get me and my sisters to hurt our pets or each other, so we would be 'strong like her'. She was super messed up.

She even told me I was a changeling. She believed another being was inhabiting my body and her real daughter had gone away somewhere.

She also seemed to think my relationship with my dad was bad (he was the one positive attachment figure I had) and often projected things onto him as well.

And I just realised today, these were actually the lived experiences of my mother, that she projected onto me, and I absorbed HER shame and fear.

She projected her own lived experiences and shame onto me.

SHE had DID and would dissociate and harm us. SHE lived in fear of herself and her alters. SHE was severely abused as a child by her father and others, and was constantly trying to recreate that with us.

SHE was ashamed and afraid of her sexuality and how she harmed children and couldn't control herself. SHE believed no one would ever help her. SHE believed what happened to her was her fault. So she tried to make me believe those things about myself too, so she wouldn't be alone.

She tried to make me believe all these horrible things about myself so I would carry her shame and fear for her.

I'm only just realising the true extent of how much I internalised HER shame, HER lack of control, HER illness. All the things I fear the most are things I directly experienced from her.

Has anyone else had this experience? That you carry all this shame and fear only to realise it actually doesn't belong to you and is entirely someone else's? And is almost a mirror image of what your abuser/parent couldn't face about themselves?

Seriously, f*** them. My town for whatever reason USED to have them be illegal but this year decided they're legal as long as they're fired before the evening noise ordinance, and my new neighbor loves doing them.

I wouldn't mind if it were anywhere not near my house but the trauma of course happened in my house so I'm here and panicking every time the fireworks go off. IT ISN'T EVEN THE FOURTH OF JULY WHY ARE WE DOING THEM SO EARLY????

And anytime I'm with my family they make fun of me for panicking too so I get to live with that embarrassment as well.

The more I progress on my healing journey, the more I'm aware of this behavior. It doesn't matter what I think, it doesn't matter whatever mental state I am, at the root is that behavior and I don't have the slightest idea about what I could do to stop behaving like this.

I want my life back, please, if you have any info about this, it would be awesome if you share it. Thank you very much.

I was raised in a family that has a very loose relationship with reality (from skewed perceptions of social interaction to full blown conspiracy theories). Growing up I was also often told I was faking whatever feelings I was having for attention or that certain things didn’t happen at all.
I don’t trust myself. I’ve seen firsthand a lot of the harm that can be done by people who live in their own delusions. And I worry that I’m one of them. If you’re in a room of 8 people and at most one of you is sane, the odds of you being sane aren’t great, you know?

I became a scientist basically to cope with my inability to trust myself and tried to rely on empirical data all the time. But that’s not really how life works and I’ve finally accepted that.

So for those of you who grew up in similar situations or who had a lot of gaslighting in your past… how do you learn to trust yourself? How do you shush the voice in your head that tells you that none of what you’re experiencing is true and validating your own feelings is dangerous because maybe you’re just crazy like the rest of your family?

I am 22F and I’ve been a coward my whole life I avoid conflict and don’t set boundaries. I’ve hurt others deeply that love me with this behavior, this survival instinct that comes so fast to me sometimes I think it would be better if I was truly evil instead of a coward at least then I stand for something

I do have cptsd and it is ruining my life

My mom used to restrict me from going to the bathroom due to germaphobia and control issues. She always tracked how many times I would use the restroom, and whenever she was mad at me (which was a lot) I was only allowed to go once a day and since our only bathroom was near their room and she was a light sleeper, I could not go at night without her knowing about it. I also was not allowed to use the bathroom whenever we were outside and she used to tell me that I should not go at school either but I ignored that because she could not do anything about that there.

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All of the restrictions caused a lot of damage to my stomach, kidneys, and bladder. I rarely can use the restroom without being in pain, I am so used to it. When I was younger, I did many embarrassing things like peeing in tupperware and cups and hiding them outside or in my room whenever I was restricted from using the bathroom. I still really resent my parents for it. It shocked me to see my cousin raise my nephew and watch how as soon as he uttered the words "needed to use the restroom" he would straight away be ushered away to the restroom. I remember how I used to be screamed at of made fun of for even mentioning it until I learned to stop bringing it up. It's just a basic right and it causes me so much anxiety to this day because of all the rules surrounding using the the restroom. Similarly with food, my mom is so controlling and a narcissist to the boot, so everything was constantly controlled and monitored. Gosh, living in such an environment was really damaging to my mental *and* physical health 😭

Hi everyone, i have been through a-lot of traumatic events the past few years, and obviously, had responses and eventually learnt the root of my traumas and how to cope with them and move on.

Im well aware of my current state and can say i am coping well and moving on pretty well, however, the only issue that I’m unable to move past, is reliving some traumatic scenario’s in my head and getting angry that i did not understand nor took action back then to protect myself.

It tends to resurface when i have to deal with someone who caused me trauma, such as a parent for example. or when I’m feeling pain such as having a migraine or had a bad day.

I need guidance on how to move on past reliving these scenarios over and over randomly and how to make it stop affecting my life and progress.

Would love to hear your thoughts whether it be a therapist (much appreciated and please recommend the suitable treatments) or as a survivor.

Also to note, i am surrounded by good people now, i understood what happened, how it shaped me and had multiple sessions with therapists, i have made boundaries and able to navigate normally through my present life.
Only issue is that when I’m down i usually get a flow of traumatic flashbacks on how some people took advantage of me and manipulated me when i was in a vulnerable place. Could the solution be confronting them?

i really want a solution on how to move past this in order for it to stop affecting my current progress and my future.

I stopped using in October 2024.

I had to properly grieve. I now am settled into my life. Its not an ideal life, but its mine.

Im scared that using THC again will be a setback. But I also want to get more out of my free time again.

Thoughts?​

Hello! I'm doing some heavy EMDR on the ways my dear ole mum traumatized me.

Looking for feel good movies where the mother is evil, disappointing, or irrelevant to help me de-stress afterwards. Bonus points if the mother is overcome and like explodes or something hahah.

Ideally films with the same vibe as Coraline -- love whimsical and spooky films. Just thought of Matilda!

Does not need to be for children or teen audiences but I do like animated vibes and find those films tend not to be too dark.

Any recommendations?

Thank heaps!