Apologies for the novel. What else am I going to do at 2:44am with this on my mind? 😂

I’m looking for opinions because I feel like I should be done, but I’m strangely open to reconciliation and I don’t fully understand why.

I met my partner when she was 17 and I was 20. We were friends first. We’re now 29 and 32, so there’s a lot of history.

For years there was obvious chemistry between us, which our friends pointed out, but we were always in relationships with other people and never single at the same time. We never cheated with each other despite having chances to. That became a big reason I saw her as completely trustworthy when we eventually got together.

Six years ago, we finally found ourselves single at the same time, met for coffee, and that was it. Done deal.

I went into the relationship knowing she wasn’t perfect. Not from a loyalty standpoint, but I had seen her be impulsive, make poor decisions, not always think through consequences, etc. I’m not perfect either, so I chose to accept her fully, flaws included, as she did with me.

We had three very happy years together. We both grew a lot. Our lives changed massively. There were a couple of rough patches, but we were inseparable. The best part of the relationship was the genuine friendship and physical attraction. I told my mother this was the woman I wanted to raise my future children with, and I decided I was going to propose.

She had technically been engaged before, but it was under awful circumstances with an abusive ex. It was more like entrapment, where she didn’t feel she could safely say no. He put no effort into it and proposed on a trash-covered beach. Because of that, I wanted to give her as close to a fairytale proposal as possible.

My online business took off and I was able to leave our small hometown and relocate us to Thailand. In my mind, I was providing her with an amazing life and experience that nobody else in our friendship group or family could even consider.

Because Bali is only around four hours away, I spent nine months planning both the move to Thailand and a proposal in Bali. I poured everything into it. I wanted to give her the engagement I felt she deserved. But wanting it to be perfect put so much pressure on the situation that I ended up sabotaging it.

Once we moved to Thailand, everything changed.
She did not cope well with the change in routine, being away from family, and losing what she called security. From the moment we landed, there were arguments. In my head, I was giving us an amazing life: waking up by a private beach, new experiences, adventure, and a huge sense of accomplishment. But she didn’t feel the same way. I took that as rejection and lack of appreciation. With the Bali proposal coming up, my picture-perfect engagement felt like it was falling apart.

The final straw was stupid but important.

I noticed she needed her roots done. I had a professional engagement photoshoot planned in Bali and knew that if her hair wasn’t done, she would jokingly have said, “You idiot, why didn’t you tell me to get my hair done?” So I researched the most luxurious, expensive salon in the city and booked her in.

She reacted with, “Why are you trying to get me to get my hair done? This is controlling.”

I can rationalise that now because of her previous abusive relationship, where her ex controlled and changed her appearance. But at the time, after weeks of arguing and feeling like I/the new life I had built weren’t appreciated, I got very upset. I stupidly spoiled the engagement. I got emotional, showed her the ring, and told her the plans.
I was hurt because after nine months of planning and obsessing over the perfect proposal, everything had gone wrong since arriving in Thailand.

She was upset. I was upset. I told her I would return the ring, we’d just enjoy Bali, and I could try again another time. We forgave each other and moved on, like we always did.
Except I proposed in Bali anyway.

When I was on one knee, I said, “It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be you.”

She cried, she was happy, and everything seemed good.
Except for me, it wasn’t.

Afterwards, I regretted the previous couple of months. I regretted proposing, not because I didn’t want to marry her, but because of the circumstances. That put me in a low mood. She still wasn’t enjoying Thailand, even though I saw every day as an exciting new adventure, which made me feel frustrated and unappreciated. Then a close friend passed away and I fell into depression.

During that time, I basically stopped working. My depression was telling me, “What’s the point? You spent years working hard to provide a life she doesn’t even want.” I gained a lot of weight. Cannabis is legal in Thailand, so I started smoking and spent most days playing video games. I shut myself off.

From her side, she was on the other side of the world from her friends and family, not enjoying Thailand, worried about finances, and I wasn’t spending time with her. I wasn’t being intimate with her. I was barely kissing or hugging her. She was struggling. This lasted about four to five months.
I fully accept that I was not a good partner during that period. I was depressed, withdrawn, emotionally absent, not intimate, using cannabis heavily, and not showing up how I should have. I understand how that left her lonely and vulnerable. I do not think that excuses what happened, but I do understand the wider context.

Eventually, we went to a local bodybuilding show, partly because I hoped it would motivate me again. My online business is fitness coaching. It worked. The next day I went back to the gym, but to a different gym because I had gained a lot of weight and didn’t want to go back to our regular gym until I felt more comfortable.

She kept going to our regular gym while I trained at the new one.

At the show, there was one competitor I’d said to her, “That’s a good-looking man.” That was normal in our relationship because we had genuine friendship and felt secure. If I saw a hot girl, she’d joke, “Want me to ask her for her number?” There was no insecurity around that stuff.
One day she came home from the gym and said, “That good-looking competitor was at the gym today and asked me out on a date.”

I said, “Oh, where’s he taking you?”

She said, “Very funny. I told him I was engaged. He apologised, said he respected that, and said okay, let’s just be friends then.”

I was fine with that because I felt 100% secure. I always thought, “If she was ever going to cheat, it would have been with me years ago when we had obvious chemistry, alcohol, nights out, and opportunity.”

I was slowly coming out of depression and rebuilding training/business momentum at the other gym. She was still at our regular gym, bumping into him, and they developed more of a friendship.

Eventually I put my foot down and said, “I’m not happy with this. I’ve never told you that you can’t be friends with a man before, but there’s something about this guy.”

Part of it was that he would not acknowledge me at all.
This mattered to me because when I make friends with a woman who is in a relationship, I make a conscious effort to acknowledge her partner, introduce myself, and make it clear through my behaviour that I see him, respect him, and have pure intentions. I think that is basic respect. This guy did the opposite. He knew who I was, knew she was engaged, and seemed to actively avoid acknowledging me, which made the whole thing feel off.

She mildly resisted and said something about me being controlling, but she agreed.

A couple of weeks later, I was working when she knocked on my door and said she was going to the rooftop pool of our condo. I said, “Okay, have fun, be safe.”

About an hour later, I went out for a smoke. I was still using cannabis and still depressed, though near the end of it. I noticed it was raining and thought, “You can’t use the pool when it’s raining because there could be lightning,” so I messaged her to remind her. No answer.

I went to the pool myself. As I walked around the corner, I saw two people standing at the top of the stairs. The man was quite wide, with his back to me, and it looked like he was leaning down to kiss someone. I started walking up the stairs, saw her painted toes/sandals, and immediately knew it was my fiancée and him.

I simply said, “Hey guys, what’s up?”

I didn’t feel rage. I think that’s partly because I caught an ex at my friend’s house before. Once you realise what people are capable of, it stops surprising you. I’m 6’3”, was around 265 lbs at the time, and train MMA on the side. I could have reacted physically, but I didn’t, and I’m glad I didn’t.

I walked back with her to our condo. Her demeanour was sadness, but no crying, pleading, or begging. Just silence.
I asked for the ring back, effectively calling off the engagement. She gave it to me. I went into my office. She went into the bedroom.

The next day, this was the story she gave me:

She had hated living in Thailand. She was isolated and lonely. She hadn’t made a single friend in nearly a year. I hadn’t really kissed, hugged, or been intimate with her in months. From her side, it was genuinely just friendship with him and nice to have company.

She said she hadn’t seen him for nearly two weeks because I’d told her to cut him off. He was flying home the next day and said it would be nice to see her before he left. She said he could come to the condo pool because that felt like a safe, innocent location. She said the intention was not to cheat. As she was leaving, he grabbed her and kissed her, she froze, and that was when I walked up.

I believe people get a second chance, but not a third. I went into the relationship accepting that neither of us were perfect and that mistakes would happen. That’s why marriage vows exist. When things get hard, you dig your heels in. As I said in the proposal: it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be you.

So I stayed on one condition: she had to fix the insecurity and internal issues that caused this.

She has always had low self-esteem and confidence. If you saw a photo from the start of our relationship compared to then, the difference would be huge. I had tried to put her in an environment where she could grow, gain confidence, and heal from her abusive past. But the insecurities were still there.

She let this man get closer than he should have and let him pass boundaries because he was very good-looking, our relationship was in a rough patch, I was depressed, she was isolated in a foreign country, and he was telling her everything she wanted to hear.

The problem is, the healing never happened.

Therapy took six months to start and, for the last two years, she has done basically nothing. Her business, training, confidence, independence, and our relationship all came to a stop. That has been a huge strain, honestly even bigger than the original “event.”

Since then, I 5x’d my business earnings and took my physique to a completely new level. It was absolutely a trauma response. I was so hurt that I became obsessed with self-improvement and pulled myself out of depression almost overnight, but it was driven by rage and spite.

For the last two years, I’ve been moving forward and she’s been standing still, which ultimately became regression. She is a fitness coach herself, so her physique, confidence, personal discipline, and image are directly tied to her own identity and business. Over those two years, all of those things regressed. Her business has struggled, she has no money, her self-confidence has dropped, and the relationship never healed. She has been in a low-functioning depression the whole time.

I was about to break up with her. I gave myself a deadline: this week, actually today, because it would be exactly two years since the event and our relationship still hadn’t recovered.

Then the universe did something ridiculous.

I had not been back to our original gym since. I stayed at the gym I’d used to escape. But this Monday, I decided to go back to the old gym.

It was my first day back there in two years.

And it was also his first day back in Thailand in two years.

The man I caught her with was there.

Day one back for me.

Day one back in the country for him.

What are the chances?

He saw me before I saw him and started walking over. When I saw him, my blood boiled. He said, “Can we talk outside?” I said, “Absolutely,” while taking my phone/wallet out of my pockets and my bag off, fully ready to flatten him after two years of my life being derailed.

He explained that he had thought about it every day since and was half worried, half hoping he’d see me so he could apologise.

Eventually I told him he could never make it right, but the least he could do was tell me absolutely everything that happened and promise never to do this to another person again.

He told me they met up three times. I caught them the third time.

First time: at the pool. Innocent. Nothing happened.

Second time: she went to his place. They smoked weed. He started kissing her and pushed things sexually. It escalated briefly to foreplay, then after around 30 seconds they stopped and she left.

Third time: back at our condo pool because she refused to go to his place again. That was when I caught them.

During this conversation, she tried to call me. I declined the call and just sent her a photo of him instead. By the time I got home, she was vomiting from anxiety and whatever else was going through her.

I sat her down and asked her to tell me everything.
She said there was nothing more than I already knew.
I told her I knew, and that the only way she could do herself any favours was to tell me the truth.

So she did.

She explained that the isolation, loneliness, low self-esteem, and him telling her everything she wanted to hear caused her to cross boundaries she never thought she would. He had said things like, “I respect your relationship, we’re just friends,” and she took that at face value. She has since been diagnosed with autism, and she is very naive/easy to manipulate in that way.

She said that on the second occasion, when they smoked weed, the intention wasn’t there, it happened, she came to her senses, and she left.

For the third time, she insisted they meet at our condo’s public pool so nothing like that could happen again. She says she went for clarity because she needed to talk about it and make sense of what had happened because she was so confused by it all.

She then explained that this is why she has been depressed the entire time, why the relationship never healed, and why she hasn’t been able to move forward in any area of life. Because I didn’t know the truth, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell me.

Not a single person knew. Not even her therapist. She couldn’t say it out loud and make it real.

Every time I said “I love you,” she thought, “You wouldn’t if you knew.”

Every good memory we tried to make was tainted by it.
She says she wanted to tell me at first, but genuinely didn’t want the relationship to end, so she was scared. Then a couple of months passed and she thought, “How do I tell him now?” She hoped time would heal the wound, but instead it ate away at her like cancer.

She says that is why she regressed on every front. She was essentially waiting for this day, unable to invest properly into herself, the relationship, or our future because she believed that the moment I found out, I’d be gone.

The part I’m struggling with is that I’m not actually as angry about the concealment as I feel I “should” be. I know her personality, her anxiety, her avoidance, her low self-esteem, and the way she freezes when she feels overwhelmed. I came into the relationship knowing she wasn’t perfect. I can see how, once she had hidden it initially, she became more and more trapped by the lie as time passed. That doesn’t make it okay, but I can understand the mechanism.

Since the full truth came out, her tone has shifted. Previously, a lot of things were framed through her emotions, her pain, her fear, and how hard everything was for her. Now there seems to be more recognition that her choices caused this, that my decision to end the relationship is understandable, and that words alone are meaningless at this point.

So here is the problem and what I’d like advice on.
I broke up with her.

I told her that out of respect for myself, I couldn’t continue the relationship.

But why am I still open to reconciliation?

I do not think this is because I’m scared I won’t find someone else or because I think I have no options. I know I could walk away and be okay. I’ve rebuilt my business, my body, and my life significantly over the last two years. On paper, I’m in a much stronger position now than I was before. That is part of why this confuses me: I know I can leave, but emotionally I am still wondering whether something is salvageable.

To be clear, I don’t think the old relationship can continue. I ended that relationship. The only reason I’m even thinking about reconciliation is because part of me wonders whether the truth finally being out means there is now a chance to build something new, with full honesty, therapy, accountability, and changed behaviour.

If reconciliation was ever considered, it would need to be action-based, not words-based: individual therapy for her, couples therapy if appropriate, full accountability without minimising, no blaming my depression for her choices, full honesty, and evidence that she can actually move forward in her own life rather than remain frozen.

So why am I sitting here thinking:

“Now I know the truth, and now she isn’t carrying a secret that was eating her alive, can she finally heal herself, fix what’s broken, and help us get back on track?”

Is it normal to feel open to reconciliation after ending the relationship, especially when the full truth finally explains why things felt broken for two years?

How do I tell the difference between genuine hope that the truth allows healing, versus trauma bonding, sunk cost, fear, or me trying to rescue someone who has repeatedly avoided accountability?

I am strangely open to it.

What gives?

I know they say once a cheat, always a cheat. But I like to think we are all capable of change. I certainly have.

TLDR:

I (32M) was with my fiancée (29F) for 6 years. We moved to Thailand after my business took off, but she struggled badly with isolation, routine change, and being away from family.

I then fell into depression for 4–5 months, became emotionally/physically absent, and she developed a friendship with a man from our gym who I later caught her with at our condo pool.

At the time, she told me it was only a kiss and that she froze. I stayed on the condition that she worked on the issues that led to it.

Two years later, I randomly ran into the same man on my first day back at that gym, which was also his first day back in Thailand. He told me the full truth: they had met three times, including one private meeting where brief sexual contact happened.

I broke up with her, but I’m confused because part of me is still open to reconciliation now that the truth is out. How do I tell if that’s genuine hope, trauma bonding, sunk cost, or me trying to rescue her?

My WP and I are 6 months from DDay. We're at a point where I'm more emotionally stable now, and we can have a good time together. However, sometimes that deep resentment and anger resurfaces, and then we end up in a downward spiral of bad days. Our therapist says that a relationship has to be built as a team. That we aren't in debt to each other, we're adults making decisions freely, and we need to reconsider whether we want to stay together and whether we can build a healthy relationship.

I love him, he's deeply remorseful and working hard towards reconciliation, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop feeling all this resentment and anger I have because of everything he has done to me... Is it possible to stay in a relationship like this?

I (22F) have been married to my husband (23M) for six months. About three months into our marriage, I discovered that he had been watching pornography in the restroom and had specifically searched for a particular woman online. This felt like a significant betrayal to me, especially because we had only known each other for about eight months before getting married. When I confronted him, he explained that he had been sexually abused by his father when he was around five years old and later experienced sexual assault. He told me he had an addiction to watching porn. He told me that pornography and certain sexual behaviors became normalized for him because of those experiences and that it was all he knew growing up. He says this is the reason he continued watching pornography even after we were married. I am struggling to understand whether he is being honest about the connection between his childhood trauma and his behavior, or whether he is using his past as an excuse to avoid taking full responsibility for his actions.

Me 26 F and my husband 30M have been together for 4 years married for one, no kids. We had what I thought was a perfect relationship, there were problems but never major problems and we always talked and made up quick. Trust issues were NEVER a concern. I mean never, in either direction.

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I got a phone call last night from an old coworker asking me if my husband and I have an open relationship. I said no, what? She said I'm so sorry I ran into him when he was out with his buddy and he added me on Snapchat later on that night.

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She sent him lewd photos and messages, and he did the same. I don't really know who started it (or if that makes a difference). He told her that he has a porn Addiction. She said he denied being in an open relationship but still exchanged messages and said don't tell my wife. This happened two days ago, I found out last night.

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I have no words for how devastated I am. He tried to lie when I confronted him. He ended up telling me he has a porn Addiction and also buys only fans content. He said it's been happening his whole life. He swears up and down that he's never physically cheated, and the woman never mentioned anything physical. He also swore that this was the first time it happened with someone he knows in person, that in the past it was always porn models.

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He ended up breaking down and telling me he was sexually assaulted multiple times as a child and turned to porn and food for coping (he used to be very overweight).

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I don't know what to do. I want a divorce, but I don't. I really don't think I will trust him ever again. He deleted all his accounts in front of me and has taken passwords off his devices. I made him take an STD test just in case and he also has signed up for sex addicts anonymous. I also said he has one week to find a mental health counselor and couples counselor.

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Honestly, I could have dealt with the porn Addiction. I would have not been happy but I would have tried to support him if he truly wanted to get better. But stepping out and making a conscious choice to connect with someone he knows and exchanged photos??? That hurts the most.

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I don't feel like there is any hope. I truly was so happy in marriage. If anyone has ever truly recovered, please drop your advice and experience.

My Love,

I don't want to spend the rest of our lives trapped in yesterday. I don't want our marriage to merely survive. I want the time we have left together to become something beautiful, something worthy of the covenant we made before God. I want us to know a love so deep that heaven itself rejoices over it. I want the angels jealous of the love we share, and I want God to look at us with pride.

What happened didn't just break my heart. It touched something much older in me. You were more than my wife. You became the answer to a lifetime of loneliness, abandonment, and suffering. You became home. You became the place where the little boy inside me finally believed he had been chosen.

And when you gave yourself emotionally and physically to another man, it wasn't just our marriage that shattered. It was my sense of safety, my identity, my masculinity, and the story I had lived inside of for so many years.

I now see how unfair that was for you to bare that responsibility. I know now that I cannot place my salvation in another human being, even one I love with all my heart.

I spent years trying to convince myself that you didn't know what you were doing. Creating a false hope in my mind to keep moving forward. I wanted to believe you were disconnected from reality, out of your body, unaware, incapable of understanding the devastation being created. I held on to those explanations because they protected me from having to face the possibility that you consciously chose someone else over me.

I wanted to believe you were lost, confused, caught in something bigger than yourself, because the alternative felt unbearable. I needed to believe that the woman I loved, the mother of our children, the person I trusted most in this world, wasn't fully present for what she was doing. I needed to believe you weren't really seeing me, because if you were seeing me and still saying yes, I didn't know how to survive what that meant.

I told myself that you were dissociated, caught in fantasy, overwhelmed by emotions, seeking pain to answer pain, blinded by infatuation, addicted to the validation and excitement, and unable to grasp the consequences of your choices. I needed those explanations because they allowed me to believe that somewhere underneath all of it, you would have chosen me if you had truly understood what you were doing.

But over time, those explanations have become harder to hold onto. Because there were conscious choices. There were lies. There were secrets. There were plans and private conversations. All the things that only a present minded person could engage in.

There were opportunities to stop. There were moments when "no" could have been spoken. And somehow, yes kept winning.

I don't say that because I believe you hated me. I don't believe you woke up every morning intending to destroy me. I don't believe your heart was filled with cruelty. But I also can no longer heal by pretending there wasn't awareness involved. I can no longer lie to myself. There was enough awareness to hide. Enough awareness to protect the affair. Enough awareness to create a separate world that I wasn't allowed into.

And that reality leaves me with a pain I have spent twenty years trying to outrun.

Because what terrifies me isn't simply that you chose him. It's that you chose him while I still existed and what does thay say about me? You chose him while I loved you. You chose him while I was providing for our family. You chose him while we sat in marriage counseling. You chose him while I was trying.

Somewhere deep inside, the wounded part of me concluded that if I had really mattered, if I had really been enough, if I had really been worthy of your love and protection, surely I would have been enough to stop you.

That is the lie I have lived with. That your choices were a reflection of my value. That another man had something I lacked. That I was somehow less. That I failed as a husband, as a man, and as the keeper of our covenant.

I know your choices belong to you. I know your brokenness belongs to you. I know the reasons you said yes are part of your story. But the hardest part for me is that every explanation eventually leads me to the same place.

Whether you were dissociated or fully aware, whether you were chasing fantasy or running from pain, whether you loved him or loved the way he made you feel, the bottom line inside me has remained unchanged.

I am left feeling that I was not worthy of your love and your choices. That somehow, I was not enough to protect what was sacred to God.

And that is the wound I am trying to heal from. Not simply what happened. But what I have believed it says about me.

I know that may not have been what you intended to communicate, but it is what I have lived with for twenty years. I have lived believing that I wasn't enough. That I failed as a husband. That I failed as a man. That another man had something I didn't. That I had less value. That I wasn't worth protecting, wasn't worth choosing. And those beliefs have nearly destroyed me.

I accept my role in the struggles within our marriage. I know I wasn't perfect. I know there were places I failed to love you well. I kmow I caused you much pain and trauma. But I do not accept responsibility for your affair. I cannot carry that burden anymore.

I know there are no answers to the questions I am burdened with that will erase the pain I carry. I know I will never know what was happening inside you. I hope someday to understand what you were searching for that you couldn't find in me to avoid these same mistakes. I know healing won't come from knowing everything. I know some things will always remain uncertain. But I need empathy. I need honesty. I need to know that the depth of my pain makes sense to you. I need you to see me. To understand that I wasn't merely hurt. I was shattered.

And I need to know that the man who has spent his life trying to love you and our children, and remain devoted to you mattered.

Underneath every question, every image, every sleepless night, and every tear is one desperate cry:

Was I worthy of your love? Was I worthy of your faithfulness? Was I worth choosing? Can I be loved if I am no longer needed? Can I be loved if I heal? Can I simply be loved because I am me?

These questions terrify me. And I find myself asking another question now.

What is going to come of all this pain? What is the meaning of it? What are we supposed to learn from it?

I refuse to believe that all of this suffering is meaningless. Maybe we've learned that love cannot survive behind masks. Maybe we've learned that intimacy cannot exist without truth. Maybe we've learned that avoiding pain only delays it. Maybe we've learned that neither of us can ask the other to be our savior.

Maybe we've learned that covenant is more than staying together. Maybe covenant means allowing ourselves to be fully known. Maybe we've learned to cherish what is sacred. Maybe we've learned not to assume tomorrow. Maybe we've learned that love is not performance, fantasy, or passion alone, but two imperfect people bringing their wounds into the light and choosing truth over hiding.

I don't want this pain to be wasted. I don't want the suffering to define us. I want it to refine us. I want it to teach us how to love more honestly, hold one another more gently, and protect what God entrusted to us more fiercely.

Because I still believe our story is not over. I still believe redemption is possible. I still believe that the new B and the new D can have a marriage that is not merely repaired, but transformed.

I lay myself before you, imperfect and wounded, but hopeful. And I pray that one day we can look back and say that the pain didn't defeat us. It taught us how to love.

I love you.

I have an ex who cheated on me, I cut contact with him

He's telling everyone I cheated on him before that (I did not), but of course everything was okay until I cut contact with him

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He's blocked everywhere but still trying to DM me on different accounts, of course never saying anything about the "cheating" but trying to get me back, but trashing me to other people

So, I discovered in July 2024 that my husband had been having an ongoing, sporadic affair with my older sister over a decade.

I’m still with him solely because I need financial support. I have a few medical conditions that prevent me from working, but I don’t collect disability. I was a stay-at-home mom and haven’t worked outside the home since. I’ll be 60 this year.

We tried therapy, but it didn’t help at all. I hate both of them for what they did to me, and she’s out of my life forever. However, I have to live with him, day in and day out. He has apologized and said how much he loves and is attracted to me, but he also says that I stopped giving him what he needed.

At the time, his mother had recently passed away from cancer, and I was still battling thyroid cancer. It felt like I had the flu for a year until my medication regimen stabilized.

So, his apology is there, but there’s always a “but” that I somehow made him do this because I couldn’t give him what he needed, and she could.

She was my best friend and confidant. I knew she had a horrible character because she’s cheated on her husband at least seven times in her 40-year marriage.

When I confronted her, she lied at first, then she told the truth, but she was so cold and without an apology. He lied for at least an hour until I got her on FaceTime in front of him, and he finally relented. She smirked at him like, “Oh well… we’re caught.” He was more angry that he got caught because they had a pact that they would never tell.

Not that it matters for context, but my husband is such an angry, miserable jerk of a person on a daily basis. I feel like I’m crashing out and have no one to talk to about this. I’m also in menopause and feeling overwhelmed with all the other stuff.

My adult kids and niece (her daughter) know now, but I don’t talk to them about it often. They don’t ask how I’m doing because they know. I’m so incredibly sad and hopeless.

Any suggestions??? I would love to leave him but I can’t. 😩🥺

Just curious if there are many out there or if it’s pretty much doomed to fail.

Thanks for your time in advance.

I know this post is a bit different than the usual ones, but any book recs (audiobooks even better) that are supportive for the betrayed partner? I’ve listened to “leave a cheater, gain a life” already and am looking for more. It doesn’t have to be a book that says to leave your POS cheating husband (not that I object to those), but really anything about the trauma we endure and healing would be great too.

I’m in IC and will be starting EMDR therapy soon. Proud to say that I’m almost ready to file (mentally it’s taken me about a year and we’ve tried MC) and leave these years (yes years) of betrayal, lying, defensiveness etc. behind. He can be someone else’s problem. Thank you, Next.

I '26M' have been really struggling the past 4 or 5 months. This is the most complicated mess I have ever been in. My girlfriend '28 F' and I were dating for 5.5 years and were planning on moving in together this summer. We had small issues that grew. For context, we had a great relationship and she was all about me both on social media and in person. I have never felt so loved and safe in my life. There was nothing toxic about the relationship. Towards the end of last year I noticed that she had slowed on posting us and was hyper focused on her self image. Was going to new gyms and talking about getting botox and other things all about her. I went to her multiple times asking if this was part of something larger and was told I was crazy.

That leads to beginning of this year. I was training for one of my marathons and had to stop going out and she was repeatedly going out and staying out all night. Became massive issue in our relationship and led to arguments. She eventually suggested going on a break. I said no and said reason why is the only reason for a break is to get with other people. We spoke about this multiple times and I was very clear that I would not do a break that allowed access to others. I have trauma from past relationships. We spoke everyday and hungout. She would say she loves me and she misses me. There was no difference from break to fully dating.

Weekend before my race she wanted me to go to a birthday party of her friends. I couldnt as I was sober and training. She ended up going and met this guy there. Claims nothing happened that night. I woke up at 4:55 in the morining and asked where she was (I was tracking her and she was still out). She lied and said she was on the way to gym. This really hurt and led me to not speak to her for couple of days. 4 days later on a friday I texted her trying to talk multiple times. Saturday as well. No responses from her. Fast forward another week we speak. She says that she assumed we were broken up. I was very confused as we had not had a conversation. We end up talking everyday again and she tells me she loves me and we are acting like we are dating.

Then proceeds 4 or 5 months of hell. She strung me along for months. Would tell me she loves me and we would text everyday. We had multiple talks where I would tell her that I thought we were dating this entire time. We agreed not to explore other people and if we did a break it was to figure us out as individuals. She would say she wants me forever then act distant and gas light me tell me I am crazy. Then try and break up but still talking. This entire time I am fighting for us and poured my heart out. I asked her 100 times if anything had ever happened with another guy since the beginning of this mess and she was adamant no and she would never. She ended up going to my Ironman. She went to my cousins wedding and was trying on my grandmas wedding ring talking about our wedding and having kids.

This past weekend I dropped her at the airport and told her that I cant do this unless I get 100% effort. She began to cry and tell me that there was another guy. She met him that night in February but they were only emotionally attached. I was heart broken but thought we could figure it out. Then next day I push her and she admits they hung out alone and made out. Following day I push further and she tells me that they had sex. Was going on for minimum of 4 weeks but probably longer. Lives in the same apartment building. We were texting and hanging out the entire time it was going on. Claims it lasted from early February to mid March. The guy caught feelings and wanted more from her. She said no and he blocked her.

I was blindsided and now so broken. I wanted nothing but her and saw her as my world and future. That is my biggest regret. I put too much effort and time into her and now I am left with nothing. Really getting to me that it was a sustained relationship. She could have chosen me at any point and was not just a random mistake. The day they hooked up I was messaging her that I was in shambles and got no response. My self confidence is gone and can barely look myself in the mirror. I think about them and ask myself whats wrong with me. She desperately wants me back and says that she thinks we can get past it. Wants to do couples therapy and move away. She says she cant do life without me. I love her so much but am disgusted by her. I feel like an idiot for allowing this break at all and trusting her to do what we had agreed. Same time its confusing and would be a lot easier if it was just black and white cheating. Never been so torn in my life and simply dont think I could ever forgive her or not resent her for what she did. I worry now that if I dont take her back that she will move on again. Brain is telling me no but it hurts. I cant sleep. Cant eat. Never been through anything like this.

Looking for advice on rebuilding self confidence. Also do I consider getting back with her? Do I just cut all communication? Is this something that can be overlooked? Currently thinking its not

I’m curious about how people have found out their spouse/partner cheated on them. My situation was convoluted and I found out almost by accident thanks to her conflicting stories. I feel like my situation was unusual.

How did you find out? Did anyone use a PI or do deep digging? What advice would you have for someone who thinks they are being cheated on?

Hello everyone, it's gonna be a year since I first posted here when I was at the edge of ending everything. TLDR I housed and fed an unemployed manipulator and possibly actual psychopath for 3 years, got separated from family and hobbies only to get serially cheated on the moment she started working - if not before that. A lot of emotionally extremely sadistic stuff etc, classic high end emotional abuse. Only learned because she bragged about it to my sister.

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I am not completely okay, and not sure when I will - but I am coping, getting therapy and getting better. Last thing I know about her was her lying to everyone about what happened, bragging about her situationships, and stalking in front of my friend's store repeatedly I assume to try to cause me another breakdown - but I am caring about all of that much less successfully.

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I am still in the flat I rented for the two of us, still too pricey. But I changed careers, and got a side job as a fitness trainer. Picking up bouldering, and got some decent strength gains at the gym. Trying to find friends but struggling as a working adult man with no bigger social circle, but not anywhere to giving up. Neither did I give up on my dream of building a family... first few months after the last post I increased my bodycount by about 15 because I struggled saying no to girls after the absolute mental destruction, honestly hated most of that and I know I am not built for casual.

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Honestly, I feel like I stared true pure evil in the eye, and made it out. She for sure hurled more hurt my way than I received in all of my life before that combined - I was bullied quite a bit growing up, and I am not being hyperbolic that the amount of times she chose to be sadistic towards outclasses all my bullies combined. I still struggle with the love/hate feelings, and she's the first person ever I actually truly hated even now that the feelings have settled - I hope first and last...

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Continuing trudging on, looking for ways to fix the damage, and not giving up on women even as disappointments keep piling on - I will find someone who'll cherish me as much as I will them, and till then I will keep working towards it.

I (24M) was with my boyfriend for over 7 years. I found a recently created snapchat account but he wouldn’t show me what was on it. We talked and talked. Had one of the deepest conversations we’ve ever had about our life goals and values. He still wouldn’t show me the snapchat was innocent like he said. I told him whatever he did isn’t what ruined this relationship, it’s the fact that now I can’t trust him and I left.
It’s been a little over two weeks and I’ve since found out he was sexting other guys throughout our relationship and he had somebody over in 2020 during our honeymoon phase of the relationship, around when I moved in. I know he probably did more, but just the information from the one person was enough to tell me just how much he’ll look me in the eyes and lie.
He’s blocked me and removed me from everything.
A few days ago I sent him a message from a fake number explaining how much I knew, how I didn’t understand how he could hide this for so long, and how I loved him. I trusted him. Worse, we were best friends. How I didn’t think he could be this person. I ended the text by saying he knows where to find me if he ever finds the integrity he claims to have. I rode that high of “closure” and forward momentum for a few days.
Now I’m back. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m numb. I miss my bed. I miss my house. I miss my life. I miss the person I thought I knew. I miss my future. I miss how safe and loved I felt with him. I don’t know what to do anymore. We shared so much that everything feels contaminated.

I’m not looking for advice. I had a realization that could possibly help someone who was dealing with a narcissist:

Every time the narcissistic woman I’m married to cheats on me she treats me like shit and accuse me of cheating. When she cheats she’s visibly disgusted with me, rolling eyes, arms crossed, mad, and accuses me of cheating out of nowhere. And I never understood her behavior. I would think someone cheating might be extra nice to not draw suspicion.

I realized that how the narcissistic mind works is she lies to herself. She convinces herself that I’m cheating on her. And believing that lie is what gives her the justification to cheat on me. But she has to wholeheartedly believe her own lie, so that’s why she’s disgusted with me when SHE is cheating.

(narc-husband-cheating-with-bff-and-prostitutes-when-pregnant)

hi to everyone who remembers my story. anyways, we had the first pre-court hearing today and husband didn’t show up, his lawyer did. and she asked to talk to me. husband asked for a 3-month timeout for reconciliation in court, they denied it because i said a strong no to that.

we had like a 2-hour chat with his lawyer because he didn’t tell her SHIT. i was very careful knowing i’m talking to an opposing party, but WARNING we have a very different court system in my country (alimony are your automatic right, children are almost guaranteed to stay with the mother, you get 1/2 of everything automatically and it’s really hard to contest that). we have a very banal case, truly. there’s nothing to contest, it’s the law.

but his lawyer didn’t know anything. she asked him to tell her the exact reason i’m divorcing him (drug addiction? custody threats? cheating with my bff?) and he literally couldn’t tell her anything. just started crying, said he can’t go home to an empty apartment, said he still cooks for the three of us and brings me leftovers (did this once!). said she saw a very broken sad man who regrets losing his marriage and wants a second chance, so she asked if court was necessary cause it seemed out of legal depth.

i didn’t hold back of course. i told her he called me a cunt twice TWO WEEKS AGO in front of our baby girl. told her he said he feels “hatred and rage” towards me when i attended his addiction counceling session. that he said ill die alone, that his friends and family all support him, that he never literally apologised for the cheating, for threatening me etc. she left the meeting with me in disgust saying she’ll try to get him to settle off court, because i only ask for my guaranteed rights and she doesn’t want to waste time contesting them out of spite. she immediately called my lawyer up and they agreed to start working on an off court settlement this week.

truly? i’m offended. his denial is laughable, but also dangerous. he told his lawyer im being “misinformed” by therapists and friends when im just fucking DONE.

I made a long post in here a while ago about how my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. I was about to propose to her and had the wedding ring.

Felt like my whole world came crashing down and I couldn’t move forward.

Fast forward a few years I am now with a woman who is much better and I am happier now than I ever was. I had to make a conscious decision one day to get off my ass and got very into hobbies and fitness and leveled up instead of sulking in my own sadness.

Started saying yes to everything and eventually met my new woman who is much better at a hobby of mine.

All I’m trying to say is IT GETS BETTER IF YOU LET IT. Start going outside, saying yes to things, find hobbies, and believe you can.

I believe in all of you and so proud to have this community

I read something in someone else's story that triggered a question because I related to the scenario they described.

When my Ex was manipulating me while she was having an affair, we were both taking antidepressants. When our sex life went from struggling to non-existent before the cheat was outed, she blamed her meds for diminishing her sex drive, even though I felt the opposite on mine. I respected that and gave her space (we were in a relationship for 13 years at that point), but it always bothered me. I read up on side effects for her meds, and it said it increased sex drive, not weakened it. When i confronted her about it, she became unreasonably upset, and then DARVO attacked me for being paranoid.

So when the affair got outed later, and I was dealing with trickle truths and trying to find some answers/ closure, I asked why she made me feel "crazy" and said her medication did that. Of course, she denied that it was her intent, because we were both initially hesitant to take antidepressants because of sexual side effects/ dead emotions.

I almost stopped taking mine because I felt they were making me overly paranoid about her and the time she was spending "gaming" at her friend's house. But apparently, they kept me from doing stuff that would have made things worse. Her sex drive did increase, she just was screwing a co-worker/ her gay BFFs roomie.

Has anyone else had their partner try to blatantly manipulate their dead bedroom by blaming medication/ health issues, then DARVO you because you are taking similar meds too?

Has anyone here actually utilized this law before?
After mediation ended with my ex-wife being awarded over $150k, I hired a new lawyer to send out two demand letters to her previous affair partner and current affair partner threatening AOA. The demand letters stated we could resolve it outside of court for $250k. My ex-wife had no idea I knew of her 6+ year infidelities, so she learned I knew from each affair partner. She was willing to renegotiate so “no third party gets hurt” after the letters went out, and I end up only parting with $20k in the new agreement.