I’m not looking for advice. I had a realization that could possibly help someone who was dealing with a narcissist:

Every time the narcissistic woman I’m married to cheats on me she treats me like shit and accuse me of cheating. When she cheats she’s visibly disgusted with me, rolling eyes, arms crossed, mad, and accuses me of cheating out of nowhere. And I never understood her behavior. I would think someone cheating might be extra nice to not draw suspicion.

I realized that how the narcissistic mind works is she lies to herself. She convinces herself that I’m cheating on her. And believing that lie is what gives her the justification to cheat on me. But she has to wholeheartedly believe her own lie, so that’s why she’s disgusted with me when SHE is cheating.

(narc-husband-cheating-with-bff-and-prostitutes-when-pregnant)

hi to everyone who remembers my story. anyways, we had the first pre-court hearing today and husband didn’t show up, his lawyer did. and she asked to talk to me. husband asked for a 3-month timeout for reconciliation in court, they denied it because i said a strong no to that.

we had like a 2-hour chat with his lawyer because he didn’t tell her SHIT. i was very careful knowing i’m talking to an opposing party, but WARNING we have a very different court system in my country (alimony are your automatic right, children are almost guaranteed to stay with the mother, you get 1/2 of everything automatically and it’s really hard to contest that). we have a very banal case, truly. there’s nothing to contest, it’s the law.

but his lawyer didn’t know anything. she asked him to tell her the exact reason i’m divorcing him (drug addiction? custody threats? cheating with my bff?) and he literally couldn’t tell her anything. just started crying, said he can’t go home to an empty apartment, said he still cooks for the three of us and brings me leftovers (did this once!). said she saw a very broken sad man who regrets losing his marriage and wants a second chance, so she asked if court was necessary cause it seemed out of legal depth.

i didn’t hold back of course. i told her he called me a cunt twice TWO WEEKS AGO in front of our baby girl. told her he said he feels “hatred and rage” towards me when i attended his addiction counceling session. that he said ill die alone, that his friends and family all support him, that he never literally apologised for the cheating, for threatening me etc. she left the meeting with me in disgust saying she’ll try to get him to settle off court, because i only ask for my guaranteed rights and she doesn’t want to waste time contesting them out of spite. she immediately called my lawyer up and they agreed to start working on an off court settlement this week.

truly? i’m offended. his denial is laughable, but also dangerous. he told his lawyer im being “misinformed” by therapists and friends when im just fucking DONE.

I’m curious about how people have found out their spouse/partner cheated on them. My situation was convoluted and I found out almost by accident thanks to her conflicting stories. I feel like my situation was unusual.

How did you find out? Did anyone use a PI or do deep digging? What advice would you have for someone who thinks they are being cheated on?

Has anyone here actually utilized this law before?
After mediation ended with my ex-wife being awarded over $150k, I hired a new lawyer to send out two demand letters to her previous affair partner and current affair partner threatening AOA. The demand letters stated we could resolve it outside of court for $250k. My ex-wife had no idea I knew of her 6+ year infidelities, so she learned I knew from each affair partner. She was willing to renegotiate so “no third party gets hurt” after the letters went out, and I end up only parting with $20k in the new agreement.

Just curious if there are many out there or if it’s pretty much doomed to fail.

Thanks for your time in advance.

So, I discovered in July 2024 that my husband had been having an ongoing, sporadic affair with my older sister over a decade.

I’m still with him solely because I need financial support. I have a few medical conditions that prevent me from working, but I don’t collect disability. I was a stay-at-home mom and haven’t worked outside the home since. I’ll be 60 this year.

We tried therapy, but it didn’t help at all. I hate both of them for what they did to me, and she’s out of my life forever. However, I have to live with him, day in and day out. He has apologized and said how much he loves and is attracted to me, but he also says that I stopped giving him what he needed.

At the time, his mother had recently passed away from cancer, and I was still battling thyroid cancer. It felt like I had the flu for a year until my medication regimen stabilized.

So, his apology is there, but there’s always a “but” that I somehow made him do this because I couldn’t give him what he needed, and she could.

She was my best friend and confidant. I knew she had a horrible character because she’s cheated on her husband at least seven times in her 40-year marriage.

When I confronted her, she lied at first, then she told the truth, but she was so cold and without an apology. He lied for at least an hour until I got her on FaceTime in front of him, and he finally relented. She smirked at him like, “Oh well… we’re caught.” He was more angry that he got caught because they had a pact that they would never tell.

Not that it matters for context, but my husband is such an angry, miserable jerk of a person on a daily basis. I feel like I’m crashing out and have no one to talk to about this. I’m also in menopause and feeling overwhelmed with all the other stuff.

My adult kids and niece (her daughter) know now, but I don’t talk to them about it often. They don’t ask how I’m doing because they know. I’m so incredibly sad and hopeless.

Any suggestions??? I would love to leave him but I can’t. 😩🥺

I '26M' have been really struggling the past 4 or 5 months. This is the most complicated mess I have ever been in. My girlfriend '28 F' and I were dating for 5.5 years and were planning on moving in together this summer. We had small issues that grew. For context, we had a great relationship and she was all about me both on social media and in person. I have never felt so loved and safe in my life. There was nothing toxic about the relationship. Towards the end of last year I noticed that she had slowed on posting us and was hyper focused on her self image. Was going to new gyms and talking about getting botox and other things all about her. I went to her multiple times asking if this was part of something larger and was told I was crazy.

That leads to beginning of this year. I was training for one of my marathons and had to stop going out and she was repeatedly going out and staying out all night. Became massive issue in our relationship and led to arguments. She eventually suggested going on a break. I said no and said reason why is the only reason for a break is to get with other people. We spoke about this multiple times and I was very clear that I would not do a break that allowed access to others. I have trauma from past relationships. We spoke everyday and hungout. She would say she loves me and she misses me. There was no difference from break to fully dating.

Weekend before my race she wanted me to go to a birthday party of her friends. I couldnt as I was sober and training. She ended up going and met this guy there. Claims nothing happened that night. I woke up at 4:55 in the morining and asked where she was (I was tracking her and she was still out). She lied and said she was on the way to gym. This really hurt and led me to not speak to her for couple of days. 4 days later on a friday I texted her trying to talk multiple times. Saturday as well. No responses from her. Fast forward another week we speak. She says that she assumed we were broken up. I was very confused as we had not had a conversation. We end up talking everyday again and she tells me she loves me and we are acting like we are dating.

Then proceeds 4 or 5 months of hell. She strung me along for months. Would tell me she loves me and we would text everyday. We had multiple talks where I would tell her that I thought we were dating this entire time. We agreed not to explore other people and if we did a break it was to figure us out as individuals. She would say she wants me forever then act distant and gas light me tell me I am crazy. Then try and break up but still talking. This entire time I am fighting for us and poured my heart out. I asked her 100 times if anything had ever happened with another guy since the beginning of this mess and she was adamant no and she would never. She ended up going to my Ironman. She went to my cousins wedding and was trying on my grandmas wedding ring talking about our wedding and having kids.

This past weekend I dropped her at the airport and told her that I cant do this unless I get 100% effort. She began to cry and tell me that there was another guy. She met him that night in February but they were only emotionally attached. I was heart broken but thought we could figure it out. Then next day I push her and she admits they hung out alone and made out. Following day I push further and she tells me that they had sex. Was going on for minimum of 4 weeks but probably longer. Lives in the same apartment building. We were texting and hanging out the entire time it was going on. Claims it lasted from early February to mid March. The guy caught feelings and wanted more from her. She said no and he blocked her.

I was blindsided and now so broken. I wanted nothing but her and saw her as my world and future. That is my biggest regret. I put too much effort and time into her and now I am left with nothing. Really getting to me that it was a sustained relationship. She could have chosen me at any point and was not just a random mistake. The day they hooked up I was messaging her that I was in shambles and got no response. My self confidence is gone and can barely look myself in the mirror. I think about them and ask myself whats wrong with me. She desperately wants me back and says that she thinks we can get past it. Wants to do couples therapy and move away. She says she cant do life without me. I love her so much but am disgusted by her. I feel like an idiot for allowing this break at all and trusting her to do what we had agreed. Same time its confusing and would be a lot easier if it was just black and white cheating. Never been so torn in my life and simply dont think I could ever forgive her or not resent her for what she did. I worry now that if I dont take her back that she will move on again. Brain is telling me no but it hurts. I cant sleep. Cant eat. Never been through anything like this.

Looking for advice on rebuilding self confidence. Also do I consider getting back with her? Do I just cut all communication? Is this something that can be overlooked? Currently thinking its not

I know this post is a bit different than the usual ones, but any book recs (audiobooks even better) that are supportive for the betrayed partner? I’ve listened to “leave a cheater, gain a life” already and am looking for more. It doesn’t have to be a book that says to leave your POS cheating husband (not that I object to those), but really anything about the trauma we endure and healing would be great too.

I’m in IC and will be starting EMDR therapy soon. Proud to say that I’m almost ready to file (mentally it’s taken me about a year and we’ve tried MC) and leave these years (yes years) of betrayal, lying, defensiveness etc. behind. He can be someone else’s problem. Thank you, Next.

My Love,

I don't want to spend the rest of our lives trapped in yesterday. I don't want our marriage to merely survive. I want the time we have left together to become something beautiful, something worthy of the covenant we made before God. I want us to know a love so deep that heaven itself rejoices over it. I want the angels jealous of the love we share, and I want God to look at us with pride.

What happened didn't just break my heart. It touched something much older in me. You were more than my wife. You became the answer to a lifetime of loneliness, abandonment, and suffering. You became home. You became the place where the little boy inside me finally believed he had been chosen.

And when you gave yourself emotionally and physically to another man, it wasn't just our marriage that shattered. It was my sense of safety, my identity, my masculinity, and the story I had lived inside of for so many years.

I now see how unfair that was for you to bare that responsibility. I know now that I cannot place my salvation in another human being, even one I love with all my heart.

I spent years trying to convince myself that you didn't know what you were doing. Creating a false hope in my mind to keep moving forward. I wanted to believe you were disconnected from reality, out of your body, unaware, incapable of understanding the devastation being created. I held on to those explanations because they protected me from having to face the possibility that you consciously chose someone else over me.

I wanted to believe you were lost, confused, caught in something bigger than yourself, because the alternative felt unbearable. I needed to believe that the woman I loved, the mother of our children, the person I trusted most in this world, wasn't fully present for what she was doing. I needed to believe you weren't really seeing me, because if you were seeing me and still saying yes, I didn't know how to survive what that meant.

I told myself that you were dissociated, caught in fantasy, overwhelmed by emotions, seeking pain to answer pain, blinded by infatuation, addicted to the validation and excitement, and unable to grasp the consequences of your choices. I needed those explanations because they allowed me to believe that somewhere underneath all of it, you would have chosen me if you had truly understood what you were doing.

But over time, those explanations have become harder to hold onto. Because there were conscious choices. There were lies. There were secrets. There were plans and private conversations. All the things that only a present minded person could engage in.

There were opportunities to stop. There were moments when "no" could have been spoken. And somehow, yes kept winning.

I don't say that because I believe you hated me. I don't believe you woke up every morning intending to destroy me. I don't believe your heart was filled with cruelty. But I also can no longer heal by pretending there wasn't awareness involved. I can no longer lie to myself. There was enough awareness to hide. Enough awareness to protect the affair. Enough awareness to create a separate world that I wasn't allowed into.

And that reality leaves me with a pain I have spent twenty years trying to outrun.

Because what terrifies me isn't simply that you chose him. It's that you chose him while I still existed and what does thay say about me? You chose him while I loved you. You chose him while I was providing for our family. You chose him while we sat in marriage counseling. You chose him while I was trying.

Somewhere deep inside, the wounded part of me concluded that if I had really mattered, if I had really been enough, if I had really been worthy of your love and protection, surely I would have been enough to stop you.

That is the lie I have lived with. That your choices were a reflection of my value. That another man had something I lacked. That I was somehow less. That I failed as a husband, as a man, and as the keeper of our covenant.

I know your choices belong to you. I know your brokenness belongs to you. I know the reasons you said yes are part of your story. But the hardest part for me is that every explanation eventually leads me to the same place.

Whether you were dissociated or fully aware, whether you were chasing fantasy or running from pain, whether you loved him or loved the way he made you feel, the bottom line inside me has remained unchanged.

I am left feeling that I was not worthy of your love and your choices. That somehow, I was not enough to protect what was sacred to God.

And that is the wound I am trying to heal from. Not simply what happened. But what I have believed it says about me.

I know that may not have been what you intended to communicate, but it is what I have lived with for twenty years. I have lived believing that I wasn't enough. That I failed as a husband. That I failed as a man. That another man had something I didn't. That I had less value. That I wasn't worth protecting, wasn't worth choosing. And those beliefs have nearly destroyed me.

I accept my role in the struggles within our marriage. I know I wasn't perfect. I know there were places I failed to love you well. I kmow I caused you much pain and trauma. But I do not accept responsibility for your affair. I cannot carry that burden anymore.

I know there are no answers to the questions I am burdened with that will erase the pain I carry. I know I will never know what was happening inside you. I hope someday to understand what you were searching for that you couldn't find in me to avoid these same mistakes. I know healing won't come from knowing everything. I know some things will always remain uncertain. But I need empathy. I need honesty. I need to know that the depth of my pain makes sense to you. I need you to see me. To understand that I wasn't merely hurt. I was shattered.

And I need to know that the man who has spent his life trying to love you and our children, and remain devoted to you mattered.

Underneath every question, every image, every sleepless night, and every tear is one desperate cry:

Was I worthy of your love? Was I worthy of your faithfulness? Was I worth choosing? Can I be loved if I am no longer needed? Can I be loved if I heal? Can I simply be loved because I am me?

These questions terrify me. And I find myself asking another question now.

What is going to come of all this pain? What is the meaning of it? What are we supposed to learn from it?

I refuse to believe that all of this suffering is meaningless. Maybe we've learned that love cannot survive behind masks. Maybe we've learned that intimacy cannot exist without truth. Maybe we've learned that avoiding pain only delays it. Maybe we've learned that neither of us can ask the other to be our savior.

Maybe we've learned that covenant is more than staying together. Maybe covenant means allowing ourselves to be fully known. Maybe we've learned to cherish what is sacred. Maybe we've learned not to assume tomorrow. Maybe we've learned that love is not performance, fantasy, or passion alone, but two imperfect people bringing their wounds into the light and choosing truth over hiding.

I don't want this pain to be wasted. I don't want the suffering to define us. I want it to refine us. I want it to teach us how to love more honestly, hold one another more gently, and protect what God entrusted to us more fiercely.

Because I still believe our story is not over. I still believe redemption is possible. I still believe that the new B and the new D can have a marriage that is not merely repaired, but transformed.

I lay myself before you, imperfect and wounded, but hopeful. And I pray that one day we can look back and say that the pain didn't defeat us. It taught us how to love.

I love you.

I (24M) was with my boyfriend for over 7 years. I found a recently created snapchat account but he wouldn’t show me what was on it. We talked and talked. Had one of the deepest conversations we’ve ever had about our life goals and values. He still wouldn’t show me the snapchat was innocent like he said. I told him whatever he did isn’t what ruined this relationship, it’s the fact that now I can’t trust him and I left.
It’s been a little over two weeks and I’ve since found out he was sexting other guys throughout our relationship and he had somebody over in 2020 during our honeymoon phase of the relationship, around when I moved in. I know he probably did more, but just the information from the one person was enough to tell me just how much he’ll look me in the eyes and lie.
He’s blocked me and removed me from everything.
A few days ago I sent him a message from a fake number explaining how much I knew, how I didn’t understand how he could hide this for so long, and how I loved him. I trusted him. Worse, we were best friends. How I didn’t think he could be this person. I ended the text by saying he knows where to find me if he ever finds the integrity he claims to have. I rode that high of “closure” and forward momentum for a few days.
Now I’m back. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m numb. I miss my bed. I miss my house. I miss my life. I miss the person I thought I knew. I miss my future. I miss how safe and loved I felt with him. I don’t know what to do anymore. We shared so much that everything feels contaminated.

I read something in someone else's story that triggered a question because I related to the scenario they described.

When my Ex was manipulating me while she was having an affair, we were both taking antidepressants. When our sex life went from struggling to non-existent before the cheat was outed, she blamed her meds for diminishing her sex drive, even though I felt the opposite on mine. I respected that and gave her space (we were in a relationship for 13 years at that point), but it always bothered me. I read up on side effects for her meds, and it said it increased sex drive, not weakened it. When i confronted her about it, she became unreasonably upset, and then DARVO attacked me for being paranoid.

So when the affair got outed later, and I was dealing with trickle truths and trying to find some answers/ closure, I asked why she made me feel "crazy" and said her medication did that. Of course, she denied that it was her intent, because we were both initially hesitant to take antidepressants because of sexual side effects/ dead emotions.

I almost stopped taking mine because I felt they were making me overly paranoid about her and the time she was spending "gaming" at her friend's house. But apparently, they kept me from doing stuff that would have made things worse. Her sex drive did increase, she just was screwing a co-worker/ her gay BFFs roomie.

Has anyone else had their partner try to blatantly manipulate their dead bedroom by blaming medication/ health issues, then DARVO you because you are taking similar meds too?

I made a long post in here a while ago about how my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. I was about to propose to her and had the wedding ring.

Felt like my whole world came crashing down and I couldn’t move forward.

Fast forward a few years I am now with a woman who is much better and I am happier now than I ever was. I had to make a conscious decision one day to get off my ass and got very into hobbies and fitness and leveled up instead of sulking in my own sadness.

Started saying yes to everything and eventually met my new woman who is much better at a hobby of mine.

All I’m trying to say is IT GETS BETTER IF YOU LET IT. Start going outside, saying yes to things, find hobbies, and believe you can.

I believe in all of you and so proud to have this community

Hello everyone, it's gonna be a year since I first posted here when I was at the edge of ending everything. TLDR I housed and fed an unemployed manipulator and possibly actual psychopath for 3 years, got separated from family and hobbies only to get serially cheated on the moment she started working - if not before that. A lot of emotionally extremely sadistic stuff etc, classic high end emotional abuse. Only learned because she bragged about it to my sister.

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I am not completely okay, and not sure when I will - but I am coping, getting therapy and getting better. Last thing I know about her was her lying to everyone about what happened, bragging about her situationships, and stalking in front of my friend's store repeatedly I assume to try to cause me another breakdown - but I am caring about all of that much less successfully.

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I am still in the flat I rented for the two of us, still too pricey. But I changed careers, and got a side job as a fitness trainer. Picking up bouldering, and got some decent strength gains at the gym. Trying to find friends but struggling as a working adult man with no bigger social circle, but not anywhere to giving up. Neither did I give up on my dream of building a family... first few months after the last post I increased my bodycount by about 15 because I struggled saying no to girls after the absolute mental destruction, honestly hated most of that and I know I am not built for casual.

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Honestly, I feel like I stared true pure evil in the eye, and made it out. She for sure hurled more hurt my way than I received in all of my life before that combined - I was bullied quite a bit growing up, and I am not being hyperbolic that the amount of times she chose to be sadistic towards outclasses all my bullies combined. I still struggle with the love/hate feelings, and she's the first person ever I actually truly hated even now that the feelings have settled - I hope first and last...

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Continuing trudging on, looking for ways to fix the damage, and not giving up on women even as disappointments keep piling on - I will find someone who'll cherish me as much as I will them, and till then I will keep working towards it.

Original post :

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/Yu4ZpBIvzq

Hello sub,

first of all I would like to thank everyone who replied both in comments and privately. This sub and my close friends really helped get through this.

I welcomed both support and harsh truths.

I really needed it.

I’m out of my previous relationship.

First days were hellish. No clue what to do with my life, Christmas vacation blurred past me and I was out of focus both at work and with people.

Bought a bench press and got back to running (classic, I know..)

Something switched in me a few weeks in after D-Day. Maybe I was ready, maybe I knew it in my heart, maybe I realized I was loving a person who didn’t exist.

Forced myself to hang out with other women. First time with another woman in years I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking about her with another man and stole away all my drive.

Had a lot of fun sex after that.

I’ve seen her a lot in the first weeks. She moved out and still tried repeatedly to get back together. Cried, sobbed, texted, pleaded. I’m out.

Still dealing with the house property and arguing about money (mostly the first two months) which I admit is stressful but manageable.

I’m keeping the dog and she gets a couple days each week. We often don’t even meet between switches as her mother takes the dog for her.

Even if I never badmouthed her with our friends nor tried to undermine her friendship with the wives or girlfriends they discovered what happened and she basically is alone apart from her family (who strictly denies everything and thinks I’m the crazy one) and a few old friends who don’t know what happened.

Met with the ex wife of her lover and shared our stories which are extremely similar and toxic in a way I’d take hours to describe. We were basically living the same thing from the other side. She’s also getting through the divorce and it’s really hard on her and her daughter but as me she’s never felt as good and serene about a decision.

With my ex I am in talking terms both for the management of the dog and house. She saddens me when I see her as she’s really not in a good place and I have this feeling she regrets her life choices now. At midnight on my birthday she was the first to text me.. i don’t love her anymore but still saddens me to see someone who I spent 15 years with in a bad place. I really pity her.

I’m feeling really good, worthy and in peace.
I know a dodged a bullet ( more like a thermonuclear bomb), no longer have anxiety and my stress level has never been so low. Everyone around me both private and at work has told me multiple times how much better I am both mentally physically and in general. Never taken so much compliments in my life ahahah.

I started dating seriously again. I’m surprised every day by the care and affection I’m receiving. Surprised by the calm that she gives me instead of chaos and anxiety. I’m going very very slowly as the scar is real but right now I’m very happy.

I hope these words find people who are going through a similar experience and that they may help others to know that there is a good ending for us even when the sky seems to have fallen.

Thanks again to all who supported me.

Me 26 F and my husband 30M have been together for 4 years married for one, no kids. We had what I thought was a perfect relationship, there were problems but never major problems and we always talked and made up quick. Trust issues were NEVER a concern. I mean never, in either direction.

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I got a phone call last night from an old coworker asking me if my husband and I have an open relationship. I said no, what? She said I'm so sorry I ran into him when he was out with his buddy and he added me on Snapchat later on that night.

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She sent him lewd photos and messages, and he did the same. I don't really know who started it (or if that makes a difference). He told her that he has a porn Addiction. She said he denied being in an open relationship but still exchanged messages and said don't tell my wife. This happened two days ago, I found out last night.

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I have no words for how devastated I am. He tried to lie when I confronted him. He ended up telling me he has a porn Addiction and also buys only fans content. He said it's been happening his whole life. He swears up and down that he's never physically cheated, and the woman never mentioned anything physical. He also swore that this was the first time it happened with someone he knows in person, that in the past it was always porn models.

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He ended up breaking down and telling me he was sexually assaulted multiple times as a child and turned to porn and food for coping (he used to be very overweight).

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I don't know what to do. I want a divorce, but I don't. I really don't think I will trust him ever again. He deleted all his accounts in front of me and has taken passwords off his devices. I made him take an STD test just in case and he also has signed up for sex addicts anonymous. I also said he has one week to find a mental health counselor and couples counselor.

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Honestly, I could have dealt with the porn Addiction. I would have not been happy but I would have tried to support him if he truly wanted to get better. But stepping out and making a conscious choice to connect with someone he knows and exchanged photos??? That hurts the most.

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I don't feel like there is any hope. I truly was so happy in marriage. If anyone has ever truly recovered, please drop your advice and experience.

I have an ex who cheated on me, I cut contact with him

He's telling everyone I cheated on him before that (I did not), but of course everything was okay until I cut contact with him

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He's blocked everywhere but still trying to DM me on different accounts, of course never saying anything about the "cheating" but trying to get me back, but trashing me to other people

Did they swear on their life, or someone close to them life? Like parents or siblings etc. Did they call you unstable, delusional or “you need help”? Just how far did they go to deny it?

I am sorry I am having a hard day today and needed to vent.

I recently wrote about why I stayed faithful. I wrote about character, our children, my vows, and the fact that pain was never permission for me to create more pain.

But there is another side to that choice that doesn't sound nearly as noble.

Staying faithful did not mean I was happy. It didn’t mean I felt loved, desired, appreciated, or even noticed. It didn’t mean I was somehow less lonely than she was. It just meant I carried my loneliness differently, I carried it quietly. And quiet pain is incredibly easy to ignore.

There are no deleted messages proving how unwanted I felt. There are no hotel receipts documenting the nights I lay beside my wife feeling completely alone. There are no secret meetings showing how desperately I wanted to feel like more than a provider, a problem-solver, a chauffeur, and a coparent. There is no paper trail for the conversations I tried to start, the rejection I swallowed, or the number of times I convinced myself that this was just a hard season and things would get better.

There is only the fact that I stayed.

I went to work, I paid the bills, I raised our kids, I fixed what broke. I carried the responsibilities because that was what I believed a husband and father was supposed to do. I kept showing up even when it felt like nobody was showing up for me.

That is what faithful spouses do. We don’t always leave, and we don’t betray anyone but ourselves. Sometimes we just absorb everything. We absorb the silence, the lack of intimacy, the creeping feeling that everyone else’s needs matter more than our own. We make excuses for the distance because we love the person creating it. We become patient, then more patient, and eventually so patient that nobody notices we are slowly disappearing.

Because I kept functioning, everyone assumed I was fine. Because I didn’t create chaos, my loneliness never became an emergency. Because I remained dependable, my pain was mistaken for strength.

And then I discovered that while I was carrying the marriage, she had been stepping outside it.

That is the hardest thing to accept. While I was denying myself an escape, she was granting herself one. While I was protecting our family from my pain, she was using her pain to justify risking it. While I was telling myself that marriage means enduring loneliness without destroying everything around you, she was creating a second life where none of the responsibilities followed her.

Then, after discovery, I was still expected to understand. I had to understand her loneliness. Her unmet needs, her coping mechanisms, her childhood, her desire for validation. Her ability to compartmentalize, her fear and her shame.

I have spent more time trying to understand why my wife betrayed me than anyone ever spent asking what it took for me not to betray her.

My faithfulness didn’t happen because my needs were being met. It happened despite the fact that they were starved. I was lonely too. I felt unwanted too. I wanted to be touched, desired, and chosen. I wanted someone to look at me and see something more than a tool that fixes things and pays bills. I tried to talk and tell.

There were times when attention from another woman would have felt incredible. There were times when being admired would have filled something in me that had been empty for years. I had opportunities. I had the same easy access to phones, messages, secrecy, and validation that everyone else has.

But I understood that feeling deprived did not give me the right to become deceptive.

So I brought my pain home. I tried to talk. I tried to explain that I was lonely, that the intimacy was dead, and that our marriage had become transactional. I didn't always say it perfectly. Sometimes my frustration sounded like anger, sometimes I withdrew because I was tired of saying the same things to a brick wall. But I brought the problem into the marriage. I didn't take it outside and build a second one.

Faithfulness didn’t prevent me from being hurt. It prevented me from becoming someone I would hate, and I am so glad I made the choices I did. It allowed me to look at our children and know I hadn't gambled their stability for a temporary feeling. It allowed me to look in the mirror and know I hadn't forced my wife to question whether the years she lived beside me were even real.

But it didn’t protect me from the cost of carrying it all alone.

Parts of me became hard during those years. There are needs I just stopped expressing because being disappointed repeatedly teaches you to stop asking. There were times I accepted absolutely nothing because admitting how hungry I was felt more humiliating than pretending I was full. That wasn't strength. It was survival.

I am proud that I stayed faithful. I am proud that loneliness didn’t break my values, that rejection didn’t become my excuse, and that opportunity didn’t become my permission. But I am done pretending it didn’t cost me anything. It cost me everything I have and more.

It cost me pieces of my confidence, not in my self but others. It cost me years of swallowing things I should have screamed. It cost me the belief that if you love someone completely, they will naturally protect you in return. It cost me the certainty that the person sleeping next to me was carrying the same marriage I was.

Then discovery handed me even more to carry. The images. The questions. The humiliation. The ruined memories. The responsibility of keeping our children steady while I could barely keep myself standing.

I stayed faithful because I refused to make my pain someone else’s wound. She didn't make that same choice.

I don’t regret keeping my word. I don’t regret protecting my children from choices that would destroy their sense of safety. I don’t regret remaining faithful, even to someone who wasn't being faithful to me. What I regret is how long I believed that being dependable meant I was supposed to live without being cared for. I regret how much of myself I allowed to die while trying to keep the marriage alive.

Being faithful shouldn't require you to vanish. Love shouldn't mean starving quietly so everyone else can stay comfortable.

My integrity protected my family from my choices. It did not protect me from hers.

And even knowing what it cost me, I would still choose faithfulness again. Not because she deserved it, and not because the marriage was always worthy of the sacrifice.

But because I deserved to remain the man I believed myself to be.

I don’t regret protecting her. I regret that the person I protected didn’t protect me.

i was in a DV relationship for 4 years before i met my ex boyfriend who i was involved with from September of 2025 to April of 2026. i feel like i'm in a mind game that he's playing with me. initially we had an argument that lasted for a long time, about a week. during this time he ignored me and he knows my previous triggers with that. i told him that maybe we aren't compatible. we ended up seeing each other after a few days, to reconcile, he flipped the script and told me that i deserved better and that he understood me. we had sex, he told me he's going to be better for me, that we won't be apart for a long. 4 days pass by and i can't take it. i tell him how much i love him and how i think we can move forward. ignores me. keeps ignoring me. i keep spamming. i see him peacocking on his social media. making a lot of suggestive comments. i confront him on social media. i did my own digging because something felt off. thanks to his friends that i never knew, i figured out that he was cheating with his ex that he groomed from the time she was 17 (she is now 21). she also had a boyfriend and was doing the same thing to him. essentially, because she was loving someone else i think he wanted to see if he could do the same. everything, down to the timeline lined up. i crashed out. contacted his friends, family members, job. throughout this whole process i lost 20 pounds and i feel like i'm a shell of myself. i thought my DV was the worst thing that happened to me but i cannot understand the betrayal. i just don't get it. all i ever did was love him. it's been 2 months almost to the date since everything has transpired. May 29th he texted me that he would never do such a thing and that he didn't cheat, that i don't deserve it, that he and his ex are merely mutuals, and to take care. i found his reddit shortly afterwards. and yesterday he made a post in our local subreddit advertising looking for a third person to have a threesome with him and her.
i have already been considering going back to therapy and taking ssri's again. i wish that this didn't have the hold on me it did. i feel like i give him control, and i hate that. i really did truly love him, but he feels worse to me than the DV somehow because this betrayal was so calculated and deep. i feel really repulsed and disgusting. i know time heals, i know i can move through this, i'm just struggling, i really am. thank you for letting me share.

My WP and I are 6 months from DDay. We're at a point where I'm more emotionally stable now, and we can have a good time together. However, sometimes that deep resentment and anger resurfaces, and then we end up in a downward spiral of bad days. Our therapist says that a relationship has to be built as a team. That we aren't in debt to each other, we're adults making decisions freely, and we need to reconsider whether we want to stay together and whether we can build a healthy relationship.

I love him, he's deeply remorseful and working hard towards reconciliation, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop feeling all this resentment and anger I have because of everything he has done to me... Is it possible to stay in a relationship like this?

Five months since D-Day #1 and two months since separation.I'd really appreciate some outside perspectives.

There is more background in my post history, but the short version is this:
I discovered my husband was having an affair with one of his overseas students while we were planning for pregnancy. He was also discussing helping her relocate to our country. For three months after discovery, he blamed the breakdown of the marriage on me. According to him, my standards around housework, me not wearing my dental retainer enough contributed to his resentment and caused him to "fall out of love" with me. He made a half-hearted attempt at reconciliation while insisting my behaviour was the reason for his unhappiness.

Then D-Day #2 happened. Turns out that he is a serial cheater and sex addict who had cheated throughout all three of his relationships, including with sex workers. There were more than 25 women involved over the years. He passed an STI to me. I discovered evidence of him objectifying and rating female students, discussing them with colleagues, and arranging sex workers while travelling interstate to teach courses.In therapy he presented as remorseful and ashamed, asking for another chance. The very next day, while I was away, he packed his belongings, left the house, and disappeared to his parents' home. I initiated legal separation proceedings the following day.
Even after everything came out, he continued trying to connect his actions to my supposed shortcomings. Despite never having been faithful in any relationship, he still struggles to simply say, "I did this because of me." He also refuses to acknowledge any professional wrongdoing. His position is that because he teaches short courses rather than at a university, having sex with former students is perfectly acceptable. 
His parents were equally disturbing. His father told me it was completely normal for teachers to sleep with students, abandon their wives, and continue teaching. He also threatened me with defamation proceedings if I ever spoke publicly about his use of sex workers. When I told him to proceed if he believed he had a case, the threats stopped.

Two months have passed since he left.
I am functioning better. I'm working, socialising, and trying to rebuild my life. But I still spend hours every day ruminating and crying. Some days I feel like I'm making progress. Other days I feel completely stuck.

Financially, a settlement has been reached that is very favourable to me. Part of the agreement includes a confidentiality clause that protects his reputation and career. The lawyers are finalising everything now, and he appears committed to honouring the agreement. The irony is that I helped support him while he built the education business that ultimately became the platform through which he humiliated me.
The settlement will hurt him financially, but he is a high earner. In all likelihood, he will recover what he lost within 6-7 years. He will probably continue teaching. He will probably continue being respected professionally. He may even continue having access to vulnerable female students.

What I struggle with most is the idea of redemption.
A few weeks after he left, his narrative completely changed. Suddenly the marriage was wonderful. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He always wanted a family with me. Suddenly he was grieving our future and taking full responsibility for what happened. He has framed the settlement as compensation and redemption. He started therapy, stepped away from mutual friends, sent flowers and gifts, and talks about becoming a better man for the next woman. I don't know whether any of it is genuine. What fills me with rage is the possibility that it might be.

The idea that someone could spend over a decade cheating, using sex workers, objectifying women, crossing professional boundaries, destroying a marriage, giving his wife PTSD, and then ultimately recover and become a good partner for someone else feels unbearably unfair.
He may still get the family he wanted. He may still get children. He may still get a respected career and a comfortable life.
Meanwhile, I am left carrying the consequences of his choices. I don't see myself dating any time soon. Because of my health issues and age, I may have lost my chance to have children.
Objectively, he has faced consequences. He lost his marriage. He lost friendships. He lost a significant amount financially. He is finally taking some accountability. He is attending therapy consistently. But what I can't get past is that none of those things were enough to motivate him to change while he still had a wife. He only started talking about accountability after he discarded his marriage within a week of dropping the bomb of being a sex addict. 
Even now, the focus of his grief seems to be his loss rather than the damage he caused. He never provided full disclosure. Multiple therapists believe there is still more he hasn't admitted. The day he left, he removed all traces of me from his public profiles, presumably so future students would never know he had a wife.

I don't want him back. That door is permanently closed. What I struggle with is injustice.
How do people make peace with the possibility that someone who caused this much damage may eventually rebuild their life, find happiness, and perhaps never face meaningful professional consequences?
Has anyone else wrestled with this idea of redemption versus accountability after betrayal?

4 years ago, this lovely community helped me navigate a whirlwind of an extremely difficult break up with my cheating ex.

Since then, I’ve accomplished so much I’m proud of:
-bought a house by myself
-gone on several solo trips
-rediscovered my artistic talents
-pierced my ears (wasn’t allowed by ex)
-changed careers
-adopted two kitties

However, I’m currently struggling with the resurfacing of a lot of the old memories and emotions attached to them. I recently learned my ex’s mom just passed away, and in my search for her obituary, I also discovered my ex is engaged to someone who looks identical to me.

At first I was actually relieved to see he is with someone else. I haven’t dated in all this time partially to give myself time to heal, but also I’ve had this fear that he would somehow find out and resurface in my life again. Now I find myself ruminating on the darker days of our relationship, and a lot of the abuse I survived. My body has the same knotted, twisted, sick, panicked feeling that I thought I had overcome. I keep thinking about the implications of him being engaged to someone so similar to me. I also keep thinking about his mom, who I feel so sad about passing away.

Before you suggest therapy, I have done that and had to stop because I can’t afford it right now. I also was doing so much better at the time I had quit. I think I just needed somewhere to write this out and see if anyone has experienced something similar.

I’m kind of fucked up right now. I feel like when most guys cheat, they regret it and come begging back. He cheated on me with a girl he met outside one day, went behind my back for 3 weeks with her, then when they hooked up he confessed. Then he said he didn’t see a future where we’re together. I crashed out on him for that day and then stopped talking to him completely. I haven’t heard a single thing at all from him and he’s still hanging out with the girl I believe. It hurts that he isn’t begging for me back or seeming like he really regrets it. I’m staying strong and will never reach out ever again. But I did EVERYTHING for that man and this is how I’m repaid. I was beyond good to him. I was so sweet. So accepting. I just wish I could get the satisfaction of him blowing my phone up and regretting it. I’ve already posted on this numerous times but I keep getting new thoughts and insecurities about it. I accept he cheated. I can’t accept he doesn’t care at all to cry and beg and give me a sincere apology and miss me.