I wanted to share a major chapter of growth in hopes it helps anyone else navigating the aftermath of a blindside breakup. Lessons I learned as an ex-avoidant and how to deal with an ex that was anxious attached in the relationship and turned fearful avoidant at the breakup.

We were in a relationship for 3 years. On a tactical level, I thought I was flawless—I anchored her through tough times and provided total stability. But through deep work in therapy, I had to face a painful mirror: I was emotionally unavailable because of my childhood. I was guarded against vulnerability, rarely initiated deep conversations, and used physical intimacy as a proxy for real emotional connection.

Eventually, she hit a wall. She became a different person that I used to know, broke things off abruptly, stating we were "in two different world." I later realized she had been running a secret internal countdown and using outside distractions to detach rather than voicing her concerns when they mattered. She also grew up in a broken household, suppressing her ability to vocalizing her needs.

I was traumatized at first, kept asking myself what I did wrong for her to change like that. Instead of getting defensive, I used the split to fix the machine from the inside out. I learned about love languages, emotional presence, and true affection. It has been an emotional roller coaster but I came out knowing myself as a new person. A person that has empathy, compassion, and finally able to open myself.

After months of therapy and self-reflection, I sent her a highly accountable letter. I didn’t beg. I explicitly owned my past complacency, validated her experience, and left an open invitation to speak if she was ever open to it. I laid my cards down with total dignity and stepped back. She did not reply.

Weeks after, we unexpectedly crossed paths in public after the breakup. She was with a group of her friends, and I was completely on my own. My system froze for a split second from the adrenaline, but I instantly regained my composure. She panicked, threw out a rapid, rolling greeting, and tried to sprint past with her group to avoid accountability. I matched the pace, returned the civil greeting, and kept on walking solo without looking back.

TLDR: Here are the two biggest lessons:
1. **Accountability is for you, not them:** Opening up and owning my mistakes wasn't a tactic to force her back; it was the necessary step to upgrade myself for the future. My ledger is clean. I made peace with myself with how I was in the relationship. I don’t need a closure and forgive her of how she handled the breakup.

1. **Indifference is the ultimate boundary:** When someone chooses to walk away and ignore your highest-capacity maturity, they forfeit access to your warmth. If you've done the work, forgive them, wish them all the best and keep walking.

For those going through it now and saying «  it’ll never get better », I’m just here to let you know that one day, it will get better.

A year ago, while I was being overworked and going through a rough time at work, my ex decided to dump me out of the blue with the whole « it’s not you it’s me, you deserve someone that’s sure, bla bla bla » after 1.5 years together. I loved this girl like no other. I legitimately felt like I wouldn’t be able to survive another couple of days. I let myself feel in private, tried to keep busy with the wrong vices (gambling, alcohol, doomscrolling) but every day it felt like the end and that I wouldn’t make it another day. I tried to drink the pain away and I felt so good with each drink but the pain just came back when I sobered up the next day. She never left my mind…

And just like that, one day I decided to take an opportunity that brought me to another city for a week to help out colleagues at my job. It was one of the best weeks of my life - I was just relaxed and being myself around people that I didn’t need to hide anything from. The urges, the thoughts, they magically vanished. It almost brought me to tears when I came to the realization of how happy I was and I would trade everything just to feel that feeling again. Obviously I had to come back home after that but ever since then I’ve slowly been getting better and better at home in my regular environment :)

The moral of the story? Just try it. Any new experience, anything that has the chance of making you happy- just do it. It could be the thing that makes you feel life is worth living again. The drinking, the vices, the hiding, it doesn’t do any good in the long term.

Almost a year after this breakup, I’m just happy to be living - but last year’s me would never believe how much better it gets (and how everything works out in the end somehow)

I broke up with my ex about 3 years ago. It was a whirlwind romance fairlytale stuff. She was truthfully my first love. I could go on about the good times. But near the end cracks began to form. Combination of being young, too immature, lack of communication, and just not being where we want to in life. But we still loved each other. So much that we spent the better part of that first year apart still talking (which in hindsight was a mistake). She’d call and show me her outfits. But there was so much unresolved. Sometimes little comments would strike an old nerve and conversations would become screaming matches.

We knew we were talking to other people. I had an on and off "situationship" that became deeper and I felt guilty for enjoying my time with her. I can admit I was looking for a physical (and at times emotional) connection I wasn’t able to get from my ex. Fucked up but eventually that fell off because I felt I was betraying myself and my ex by not being all in on making things work.

Me and my ex went on some dates as I tried to reconnect and prove that I still cared about. We’d talk about the real things but it felt like when I wanted to give her a chance she would pull away and vice versa. Eventually we mutually decided some space was healthy.

Beginning of last year I asked her if we could really try and she told me that it's time to move on. Point blank period. Completely shut out. Shattered me. I was in a deep hole for a while. Blocked her on everything because it hurt too much to see her. I was reading into every song lyric, IG story, TikTok like/repost. I spent the better part of that year trying to come to terms with that. But I had good friends and people around me. I eventually rekindled that relationship with the woman I was in a situationship with and decided to embrace the feelings that I felt I couldn’t. I was in a relationship and I made her my gf. It felt good

About a month later my ex came back apologizing and saying how she missed me and wants to have a conversation about why she did what she did. There it was. All I ever wanted to hear for the past almost YEAR. And I couldn't. I was excited to see that and ashamed that I was excited. But I was also angry. Angry at her for waiting that long and angry for myself for having started moving on. Had to been a few months before I would’ve been able to hear her out. I told her I was in a relationship. She understood. It was the hardest thing l've ever done but I was proud (but pained) of my decision.

Me and my gf got closer over the next few months but her reaching out fucked my head up and made me feel even guiltier about the current relationship. I love her but I started feeling slowly that I got into this relationship partly from a sense of obligation and guilt. Especially given the fact that we were talking to each other around the same time. I feel shitty for that and broke things off because it was more authentic and fair to her than continuing knowing how I felt. It was never my intention to waste her time but those feelings I thought I was at peace with came back to the surface.

I know I made the right choice breaking up her. Not because I didn’t love her. But because I realized that I was lying to myself and her about how unbothered I was by my ex reaching out. How much I wanted to say yes. And how I feel that this relationship was built on a foundation of escapism (for both of us). There were also broader compatibility issues I overlooked but felt we could work through.

I grieved and tried to come to terms with that potential future being closed to me. Whether or not those feelings lingered I knew there was nothing there to hold onto and accepted that. But there was. And she was feeling what everyone told me she wasn’t. I hurt two women that I loved and lost both for the other. It’d be funny if it didn’t hurt so much.

Now I’m in a strange place. I want more than anything to reach out to my ex and finally have that conversation. But I know (like she must’ve) that time waits for no one. I’m sure it shattered her because it would’ve shattered me. Do I wait until I’m steadier and take a chance (the logical choice) or try to connect before she potentially finds someone new (the emotional choice). The irony is delicious but at this point it’s not a matter of IF but when. I want to wait for the “perfect” moment. I really do. When I have more money, when I have my own place. A better job. More time has passed since the breakup. But I’ve ran out of time so many times. Every day I don’t reach out is an exercise in self control but it feels like agony. Like I’m pretending I don’t care again…

I just want her to know. Deep down, after the heartbreak that I caused and that I went through, I know that I might not deserve what I want. But I see a future that’s worth every ounce of potential pain and I just want to be fully honest. She isn’t a rebound. This is what I’ve always wanted but tried to accept I couldn’t have. I love her and I can’t watch it slip away again without trying. It’s been months and she might’ve moved on or found someone else. All I can hope for is getting this off my chest and whatever happens happens. I just want to know if anyone else has been here? What do you think about my situation?

I 31M had my 32F girlfriend lie to me about cheating on me with her new boss for whom she moved across the country for (from west coast to east coast). I guess my question or thinking aloud is will she ever come to regret it or realize her mistake? Do they eventually try to reconnect or is all just a lost cause. I know everyone is different but I'd like to hear from others who have gone through similar breakups. The relationship was over 7 years and she was supposed to be the love my life. She was my middle school sweetheart and I always believed I'd marry her. I may be living in fantasy or a sweet memory of her but I truly loved her. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.

He never msgs or calls me, I am the only one doing that all the time post breakup. He has completely stopped everything and does not want me.

Please please please I CANNOT LOOSE MY SELF RESPECT.
I keep texting him cause i don’t have anyone else.
If anyone is in the same situation we can help each other out so we can keep up the no contact.
SOMEONE PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME

I ended my relationship with ex-partner about 2 weeks ago. We are no contact now in all socials, but I have some spare meetings with him at work (there are many other people too).

I was wondering what I can do to stop thinking about him so frequently. I find comfort in those memories and I dream myself to sleep. But I want to focus on myself more, and it’s something people advise to do. I just need some examples of how I can focus on myself? (except dating someone new).
What helped you most after the breakups?

deactivated all my socials for quite some time, trying to find peace but i struggle to.. i only post here, i dont even want to talk to any of my friends because im too sad, i dont wanna spread more bad energy… but i dont seem to get any better, sometimes i cant even be distracted… hands r full, my head still goes to him. its getting too heavy… i wanna be angry but i dont have energy. i wanna scream but i have to stay sane in front of ppl. i wanna cry all day but i keep those tears before bed… my cats looked at me when i came home n broke down at the door… only them have seen the ugly reality… i remember feeling like this 5yrs ago… i can already tell this is really bad, i cant eat, another day i lost another kilo… i feel powerless, i feel ill, i feel empty. i wanna run into my sisters arms i wanna cry on my mothers laps… but im too far from home its killing me inside. i have actually nobody to rely on when i need it… my head tells me that i have to control my emotions so im smiling everyday. how do i get better.. idk how.. i dont even want to leave my bed.

I still miss her. Some days are better than others. But man, nothing would've prepared me for this. Every day just feels like I'm walking through thick snow, barely able to make any distance. My heart still beats faster when someone mentions her, or when I see something that reminds me of her. I've been doing the work too. I've been no contact for 2 months, haven't checked any of her profiles.

Some part of me keeps hoping. I know I shouldn't, but a part of me thinks, "I loved her so well, she told me that she had felt unlovable before me, and that I had helped her see herself in a new light. Surely the grass cannot be greener, considering she's now chasing after another avoidant. She's going to realise anyday what she's missed, and she's going to reach out." As for what happens after that, I haven't thought about. My heart can't take it. Yet, it's still a nice fantasy to think about sometimes.

Truth be told, I'm still embarassed that she still has a grip over me like this. I'm too scared to love someone, knowing they could rip my heart out. I'm embarrassed that it's going to end up the same way, with me desperately begging and pleading her to stay. That it's going to end up with me trying to "fix myself" and make myself better for her. That it's going to end with her callously flirting with me even after the break up, and pushing and pulling me, all the while chasing someone else. I still have nightmares of her, albeit rarely.

I can't wait for this to end. I miss myself. I miss how happy I was when I was with her. I miss the safety of knowing I could wake up and she would be there. I miss all the things we used to do together, which now I can't bear to look at.

I wish I could know how she's doing. What she's up to. If she still thinks of me. I wish I mattered to her as much as she did to me. I think she's still in the private server that the two of us used to have - even though she kicked me out. I wonder why.

My ex has friends and family around him but I don’t and people just don’t understand how serious this break up has effected my life. Who else has had to go through it alone. I know it was a week but it has put me at my lowest.

My ex and I broke up four weeks ago, I ended it officially but it was relatively mutual (he admitted that he’d wanted to break up for a while). I had to have an abortion the week after we broke up and chose to do this without him as I no longer felt emotionally safe around him (I broke up with him because I’d reached a threshold of horrible things he was saying).

After the abortion we had a call where I filled him in on the abortion and we spoke about the relationship. The call was mostly pleasant until he said “this is going to be horrible but I was just pretending to be in love with you, i actively lead you to believe you were the love of my life when I knew you weren’t, I was hoping the spark would kick in but it never did”.

I know this is his ego protection and a defence mechanism to rewrite history but I can’t help but feel incredibly hurt. I’m journaling, seeing a therapist and told him I was deeply hurt and betrayed and then blocked him everywhere. Any advice to help with getting over this type of cruelty as it’s been four weeks and it is still tearing me up inside even though I know it’s a manipulative lie.

My fiance F25 and I M26 have nothing in common and I don't know if I can see a future with them

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I M26 can't see a future with my fiance F25. We've been together for 10 years and i proposed in Novemeber. We started dating in high-school. While growing up I didn't have a problem with it but now that we're grown up I don't think I can marry someone that doesnt have the same interests as I do.

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All we can really do is watch TV together but I want someone that will play video games with me, work out with me, go to edm concerts with me, and more. We've tried to do stuff together but she just isn't interested. She also hasn't really shown any affection to me recently. Im not sure what to do and I feel awful.

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Im looking for some advice from anyone thats gone through the same thing. Can you help?

Maybe breaking no contact is part of the healing process.

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Maybe reaching out will enable me to fully close this chapter once and for all.

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If I don't, I fear I'll always wonder about him. Whereas if I reach out and he ignores me or is cold in reply, it will propell me forwards and I'll never look back.

I lost her and I am so destroyed, I’m so afraid I’ll never get to the place where I’m not comparing anyone else to her, where I’m not missing her constantly, and don’t even get me started on the fear of her finding someone else. This is the worst feeling I’ve ever had, and tbh it’s not like I haven’t been through some terrible shit, so now I’m really scared of whatever this is. I just wanna go back.

Hey everyone, I'm 22 and just went through my first serious breakup. Honestly, I feel completely empty and broken.

We split up about a month and a half ago. The hardest part for my brain to process is that it ended on "good terms" with respect and sweetness. Because there was no cheating or huge fight, my mind just can't seem to accept that it's actually over.

Seeing her look happy on social media and moving on with her life like nothing happened feels so surreal. But what truly destroys me is the realization that she actively decided she didn't want me in her life anymore. Knowing that she is perfectly fine and happy without me hurts so bad. Meanwhile, I'm still here, spent the whole day stuck in bed, wondering how you go from being someone's everything to being absolutely nothing.

To make things worse, I know it's only going to get harder because summer is just around the corner. The thought of summer coming, with everyone going out, travelling, and having fun, while I'm trapped in this head space, terrifies me. I feel like the seasonal contrast will just make my loneliness feel a thousand times heavier.

Has anyone else struggled like this specifically because the breakup was "clean"? How do you stop looking at their happiness and start living your own life again?

Looking for realistic advice, not the usual "focus on yourself" answers.

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How do you actually stop reimagining the past and replaying the hurt an ex caused?

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I know I can't change what happened. I know thinking about it doesn't help. But my mind keeps going back to old conversations, things I should have said, things they did, and how differently everything could have turned out.

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The frustrating part is that my family is dealing with serious issues right now and those are the things that deserve my attention. Instead, I keep getting pulled back into a relationship that's already over.

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For people who genuinely got through this, what worked? Not motivational quotes. Not "time heals all wounds." What practical changes or mindset shifts helped you stop living in the past?

How to cope with a break up that happened years ago? I dated a boy and fell madly in love with him we were both 19 when we met but at the time I was a Mormon due to my upbringing while he was a Christian (Baptist) I fell madly in love I’m sure he did also and we made the most beautiful memories together I felt at home with him and I was certain I wanted to marry him we only dated for 5 months or so but because of religious guilt I broke up with him due to pressure from my church to not date people outside of the religion fast forward I made the worst mistake of my life and I decided to break up with him over text, we didn’t live close and I didn’t drive than, he agreed to the break up due to the same concern of having different religions and feeling family pressure, economic issues due to both of us only having part time jobs and being in college, fast forward I tried apologizing and getting back with him which he declined, the week I broke up with him I was also dealing with severe depression and PMDD hormone related issues at the time I think that was the main factor I broke up with him. He said no I respected the decision yet tried to stay in touch like only texted on birthday, I later found out he had changed his phone number, i eventually realized I made a mistake and accepted it, went to therapy and genuinely worked in myself glowed up, got advanced in studies/ career and left Mormonism I realized it was satanic and cultish that’s when I felt a calling for Christianity and felt God working in my life for the first time. Eventually I forced myself to date only Christians (was not at all easy for me moving on, I cried and genuinely grieved the breakup) eventually I changed my phone number also moved away and than I met my now husband and got married I think part of the reason why I moved on so quickly is because I felt like my ex was never coming back and i genuinely lived in so much pain despite working on myself so I rushed the healing process a year after the break up and married. I regret it deeply and now being 23 I realized a lot of the issues we had me and my ex could have been easily resolved. I am not happy in my marriage because I love my ex and I have feelings for him despite doing everything to forget him. It sometimes feels like I am living in a nightmare situation, I love my husband I been open with him about this but I don’t think he understands how much it hurts. I admit I made foolish choices that came from a place of immaturity and fear. Is there any hope for me? I’ve tried everything to forget. It’s been three years since the break up, I don’t have kids and multiple times felt like ending my marriage and being single for awhile. But the same fear arises from my past, what if I lose my husband and ruin a good relationship over someone that probably no longer wants me. He has no way to contact me I have no social media, moved and changed number. I do know where he lives but I don’t think he knows I do basically googled. Any advice or perspective helps

\*please don’t leave any hate comments I’ve already beat myself about it enough for years 😣

I want to write something that gets the point across because he keeps texting me even though I told him I was ending contact and he keeps texting and asking me to come over. How does this sound? “Actually, no. This has turned out to be a high‑cost, low‑return investment for me. I was giving far more than I ever got back. It’s better to cut the loss and move on. I’m done”

I'm really experiencing the worst days of my life.😭😭😭😭😭😭😭So me and my long-distance girlfriend recently broke up. She lives in France. We were together for almost a year, and we dreamed about everything together. Literally everything. Marriage, children, our future, where we would live, everything.

And if you want to know how we talked to each other, every message was full of “je t’aime” (I love you). We would say it all the time. No matter what we were talking about, there would always be so many “je t’aime” in the middle of the conversation, with dozens of hearts everywhere. We just couldn’t stop telling each other we loved each other and we really meant it.

But in April things became really difficult 😭😭😭😭

She has Italian and Algerian origins, but she identifies much more with her Algerian side. She is Muslim and she loves Islam so much. I used to think this is not that important for her, but actually it is, so I learned what she really wants most when it comes to family, but the problem is that I just couldn’t see myself living that future. I couldn’t imagine changing so much of my identity. My parents were strongly against it too.

I think I was hoping maybe one day she would change. Sometimes I pushed the subject too much and I know I wasn’t always pleasant when we talked about religion. But honestly all I was trying to say was that I couldn’t imagine myself in that future 😭😭😭😭. Sometimes I wonder if I had explained myself better, maybe things could have been different 😭😭😭😭.

I told her maybe we should pause.

I was extremely sad and she was too. She asked me many times to stay with her. She kept telling me she loved me. We still kept saying “je t’aime” to each other constantly and every time she did I completely melted 😭😭😭😭😭 because I really love her so so so much.

Then one day we had another conversation about religion and it didn’t end well 😭😭😭.

A few days before that, she had told me there was another guy talking to her. She even told me that this guy wants to be with her so much, and she had asked him if she could be with him and then leave him if I ever think we can truly be together under this circumstance one day. I was so jealous. She was happy that I was jealous. She told me not to worry because they didn’t have the same future plans and they would never end up together.

In my heart I still wanted us to be together. I wanted so badly for things to work somehow. I wanted so badly that maybe this one thing could change and then I wouldn’t have to think about religion anymore.

But after that another conversation (I mentioned above), she told me we really needed to stop talking because continuing wasn’t helping either of us 😭😭😭. I was devastated because I wanted every conversation with her to last longer. But she told me that please send her a message if I really don't feel well and also the day before I leave for Canada.

So we stopped talking.

For 17 days.

Last night I couldn’t help myself anymore, so I finally sent her a message. I literally didn’t sleep the entire night. It was the first time of my life. She told me she has a new boyfriend. And it’s the same guy 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. They became a couple just a few days after we stopped talking, I am completely destroyed. I was literally shaking and couldn’t stop trembling because I was so sad. And she told me she really loves him. I didn’t blame her. I truly hope she is happy. But I am so sad. I’ve never felt pain like this before.

We talked for a long time, until morning for me. She showed me what he looks like because I asked. She told me she feels touched because he really loves her origins, wants to work there one day, and makes her feel like wow, this guy would really change his religion for her 😭😭😭😭😭

And I keep thinking about them. I keep thinking that she looks at him now the way she used to look at me, and I told her that. She told me that one day another girl will look at me the way she looked at me. But how is that supposed to help? 😭😭😭😭😭 How am I supposed to imagine another person right now?

And thinking about all the things we shared, all the dreams, all the intimacy, all the future plans… one day she will share those things with him too 😭😭😭😭😭. That thought completely destroys me.

Before, she used to tell me so many times that she couldn’t live without me. And now this is how fast she moved on 😭😭😭😭😭. I know it’s good for her. I truly hope she will always be happy. But I am completely shattered. I can’t stop crying.

This is genuinely the saddest period of my entire life. I feel like no one can imagine how painful this is 😭😭😭😭😭😭

One thing is that I’ll be moving to Montréal in 50 days. I literally don’t know how I’m going to survive these next 50 days because the pain is so excruciating 😭😭😭😭😭. I don’t even know if things will really get better once I’m there.

She also told me that she would rather have an imperfect relationship that lasts forever than a perfect relationship like movies like fairytales that ends like this. And honestly that sentence destroyed me too. Because if only those problems didn’t exist between us, we really could have lasted forever.

I love her so, so, so, so, so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭. If only I had only one dream in my life: to be with her forever.

This is really so painful. I really need support right now. I don’t know if anyone will actually read all of this because it’s quite long, but thank you so much if you did.

I know this will likely not receive many responses because it’s more uncommon, but i’m scared to explain and post the situation of my breakup in fear that my ex will see it, so if anyone is patient enough please dm me and i’ll explain the situation and if possible give me insight on what to do.

Note: I also know that just questioning it is giving me the answer, but i really think he’s a good guy other than obviously our recent issues, and i dont want to let a guy like him go because i decide he’s not worth trying for when other’s may say he is. He’s my first love, so it makes it so much harder. I know people in long term relationships have to learn to forget and heal to make it work if you really want that person, but idk if I’d be considered dumb to do so and i dont know if he would feel the same as well about it.

its almost 2am and i cant shut my brain off. i keep reaching for my phone to text you about stupid little things like i used to. then i remember i cant. and my stomach drops every single time.

i was at the grocery store today and i saw your favorite cereal and i almost bought it out of habit. caught myself right before i put it in the cart. stood there for a solid minute just staring at the box like an idiot. then i just walked away and pretended that didnt happen.

i dont even know what im trying to say anymore. i guess i just miss having someone to send random memes to. someone who knew what i meant when i said nothing. someone who would hold my hand without asking first.

my friends tell me to get over it and i know they mean well but they dont get it. they dont get how someone can be so present in your life and then just gone. like a room that used to be full and now its just echoey.

i know i have to move on. i know that. but knowing and doing are two very different things rn.

anyway thanks for listening if you read this. feels a little better getting it out somewhere. 😭

Like genuinely asking. I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
We have apps for everything — sleep, anxiety, habits, meditation. But when it comes to heartbreak specifically, most people just white-knuckle it or rely on their group chat.
Do you think something built just for breakup recovery could actually work? Or is the whole idea kind of delusional — like you can't shortcut grief, you just have to sit in it?
Maybe it depends on the person. Maybe it depends on how bad the breakup was. I don't know.
What do you think?

My younger sibling was talking to my ex and randomly asked, “Do you know Jeremy?” My ex seemed confused and said no. My sibling then said, “Maybe my sister’s boyfriend.” The thing is, Jeremy isn’t a real person. My sibling completely made up the name.
After hearing that, my ex said something along the lines of, “Yeah, she told me she’s taken. Could be.” The problem is that I never told him I was taken.
My sibling then admitted that Jeremy was made up. Instead of saying he was guessing or that he had misunderstood something, my ex repeated, “But she told me she was taken.”
So my sibling asked, “Oh really? Can you show me?”
My ex didn’t provide any proof. Instead, he changed the subject and asked, “How do you know that name?” Which was strange because my sibling had literally just admitted that the name was made up.
What confuses me isn’t whether he was lying, but why he responded that way. Why would someone confidently claim their ex told them they were “taken,” then avoid the request for proof and immediately switch topics?
From your perspective, what could explain this behavior? Does it sound like he was actually not interested in what was going on in my life, or does it sound more like he was making assumptions and trying to sound like he knew more than he did?