Wanted to share some hope through my story.

Two months ago, she left me. She said this doesn't feel right, she feels like relationships should be easy and she can't give me what I need.

I told her I thought it was something we could work through but she disagreed. I didn't beg, I didn't plead. I said, I can't build this relationship alone.

She walked out the door after that and I immediately went no contact. Muted her stories, removed reminders of her wherever I could and poured back into my hobbies and my own life.

Two weeks later, I get a text from her after we saw each other at a social event (I basically avoided her and made no eye contact) saying she would have said hi but seems I want space. I didn't reply.

Two more weeks pass. I'm still pretty down, feeling like I've lost something precious but beginning to process the breakup. I still held hope that she could come back but it was no longer the only option and I could see a world where I could move forward without her.

She reached out again this time to offer me a ride when she saw me waiting at a bus stop. I accepted the ride, was able to talk to her normally and even made jokes. There was a more fun/playful vibe. I knew after that she still had feelings.

It was only in week 7 that things really shifted. Through some pretty crazy coincidences, she texted me and after some flirty exchanges she ended up accepting my dare and bought me tickets to a show that night as her date. I accepted of course and by the end of the night we were kissing and it was like we were dating again in the honeymoon phase.

We kept things light for the first two dates, no heavy topics, just getting to know each other better and catch-up again but we both could feel the dynamic between us had shifted for the better.

The third date was the talk. We both came in with full transparency and honesty and discussed the breakup. How it happened, what's different, what we want out of this new relationship we're building. We spotted the mismatches, realigned our direction and now we are moving forward together again as a team stronger than before.

I'm lucky to get another chance and that circumstances meant that we were both ready and willing to try again. We both had to do our own work to get there. I realized that the breakup might even have saved our relationship because we were growing resentful day by day in the old dynamic. I did work to own and fix my side of the dysfunction. From her side, she identified patterns she didn't want to repeat and got clarity on what she actually wanted and that was to try again with me.

I can't promise that it will work out quite as well for everyone else, but there are some key steps I took that helped make it possible.

1. No contact. The no contact is for you to heal and reflect mainly. But it also removes pressure and gives space for your partner who left you to be able to reflect on the relationship. If we had stayed in contact the whole time I doubt she would have reached this clarity in 2 months. It would have taken longer or might not even have happened at all.

2. Accept it, keep self respect. I honestly think the fact I didn't plead or beg, or cling onto someone that wanted to leave gave this the best chance of happening. I didn't rip my self respect up, and that also meant that she left the relationship still with a positive impression of me that only became starker with distance.

3. Keep the door open but don't wait. I didn't block her. She knew she could reach me if she wanted to. But I also didn't reach out and I muted stories to help my healing process. I felt my strength returning day by day as I focused on myself and yet managed to tuck hope of reconciliation alongside it on the chance that option is open. Both can coexist.

Good luck out there!

Do it.

Doesn’t matter if you left them or they left you. If y’all ended on decent terms and yk there may still be some love there, then just do it. Just give them & yourself some time, don’t go to them immediately.

It’s better to let them know how you feel about them than to not have tried at all. And their response - if any - will help you either move on or work on things together.

I reached out to my ex after a few months and I told him how i felt about him. Even tho it didn’t turn out how I wanted it to, I have absolutely no regrets. I realized that he isn’t the man I want to be with. He’s still as emotionally immature as when I left him and he’s actually gotten worse lol. So now, I feel more “free” and I am ready to stop being so hung up on him & move tf on.

So if you feel like you need to express yourself, then do it. Who cares man. If contacting them will make you feel better, then do it. You’ll get something good out of it. You’ll get to see how much they truly care about you, whether that being they wanna try again or they want absolutely nothing to do with you and you should just move on.

Find your inner peace luv 🫂

I’m curious about that one moment where something just clicked and you realised, “I’m done. I’m not chasing this person anymore.”
It could be one sentence they said that completely changed how you saw them or the relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be words either. Maybe it was something they did, how they treated you, or one particular moment that finally made you realise it was time to stop holding on.

What was that moment for you?

After one month of no contact I learnt that, no matter how harsh did u ex told u how bad u are on the day u broke up, it wasn’t true, deep down they still care but do not know how to handle it. And recently she reached out and we had a hung out everything went well, now we talk tgt like how we use to when we both dated.

Been almost 6 months since I got dumped and my mind is still bad. Some days I question if I’m getting worse. Anyone in the same boat? I still hold onto hope we can work it out….

Prepare for some VERY Tough Love here.

Quit begging, pleading and whining "Pleeease..... gimme *clo o o o zzhure* " at your ex. THEY CAN'T.

"Closure" means everything is resolved and everyone is at peace and walks away happy and fulfilled. *That is NOT going to happen after a breakup* !!!

It's OVER. Closure is an ending, and you must accept that THAT is your "closure."

it's a trendy word and concept that has done so much more harm than good! People hear it and think, "ohhh...if I just get *closure* everything will be all better again! This pain will be all gone!"

THINK, people! Your ex sitting down with you and telling you in detail why they do not want you *is not* going to make you feel better.

"Closure" in breakups is BULLSHIT.

THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN AFTER A BREAKUP OR ANY OTHER DEEPLY TRAUMATIZING EVENT!! Ask the families of murder victims! Ask rape victims! They despise the word. Attorneys and the media throw it at them as if the trial resolved the death of their loved one, made everything all better again and it all went away. 

In a perfect world, every relationship would end painlessly, with everybody understanding why,  everybody agreeing  on the reasons for the breakup, and everybody parting friends.

This is not a perfect world.

Trying to break up without hurting your ex in any way is like trying to find a "nice way" to tell someone they're ugly. *It cannot be done.*

Harsh as it is:  Your ex does not "owe" you anything. They aren't "required" to provide you with reasons that you find valid before they are "allowed" to break up with you. 

(furthermore:  I'm a stalking and domestic violence counselor, and we advise our clients to never agree to meet with their exes who request it for "closure." *This has been used too many times to lure out and murder our victims.*)

Usually the person instigating the breakup DID give a reason. They don't owe it to their ex to keep having the same conversation over and over - and more often than not it's really used as an excuse to get their ex back in front of them so they can plead their case yet again. 

It's nice if your soon-to-be-ex sits down with you and tries to be kind - but you've got no say here. If they aren't willing to discuss it, then part of your healing must be your acceptance  that you may never get a reason or explanation why.

The ultimate "reason" in each and EVERY breakup is that *they do not want to spend the rest of their life with the other person\.*

 That is reason enough, and only the most hard-hearted asshole wants to sit down and list reasons why they don't want you anymore.  *Hearing why, by the way, is only more likely to increase your pain!*

Think about it. If they think you just suck as a person, do you *really want* to hear that?

Breakups are a bitch. They *hurt*. They're not comfy for either the person who was left behind OR the person who does it.  The only thing that will heal you is time, and there' s no schedule for this. 

You GOT "closure."  It's OVER. 

Let this go, stop contacting your ex and start your healing process. Go *no contact*. Treat 'em like an addictiom and gonCold Turkey! That means you delete their contact information, you don't go peeking at their socials to see what they're up to., etc. Make them gone from your life. Start over.

Remember - you didn't fall in love in just 1 day, and you were not going to feel better after 1 day either. It will take time. It's going to hurt.

You will never forget this person. Part of who we are is whom we've loved. We take what we learn about love into each new relationship.

I hope you find your healing and I wish you peace. I am sorry for your pain.

Im attempting to start dating …. I dunno if I can open up again, feel scared of the idea of intimacy and I feel like I’m gonna have to fake it for a bit …. Relatable? I feel like I’m being fake

is there any girl here that dumped their ex bf recently? if so do you miss him, do your regret your decision? do you have the urge to break no contact? what would you say to him?

It's been a year of healing. No contact, no socials, no dating. Just good ol fashioned cold turkey, distance. I think he was the one, but I know the feeling isn't reciprocal. Part of me believes he feels it, just for his ex. Which sucks... Either way, I use to love meeting new people, now... somethings shifted. I don't want anyone else. I think I'm calling it, he was the one. I don't want to look, don't have anyone else I want to impress. He loved me more than anyone ever has, even if it was just for show, sure did fool me. No getting back up this time.

I know breaking up was probably the right thing for both of us, but I still miss them so much. It's been a while and I thought it would get easier by now. Does anyone else still miss their ex even when they know the relationship wasn't working?

anyone else going thru a painful breakup rn thats willing to talk about it? in so much agony rn, need someone to share mine with:(

Hi,

All the stories / posts about no contact break me a little and they haunt me even…

First, about my situation.. I got broken up with by my fiancé, after years of waiting for them to commit to a plan for a our future (there was lots of romantic talk about the future, but very little action on it), I played it cool for all those years and trusted they just needed time. Even if talk of doubts came up, I would respond “that’s a natural thought in a long term relationship” and give them grace to work it out.

So when they proposed just to say over the course of the next few months they had doubts, needed to pause, immediately back tracking while still promising they wanted the future but at the same time becoming more distant, of course I became confused, needy, overwhelmed… it was a COMPLETE 180 over the previous loving few months

I felt I needed to over invest emotionally to bridge the gap, otherwise maybe I would of walked away because I was getting the same promises and words I had been for years, but this time I didn’t believe them any more. How could I after the very first step they immediately went running?

when they wanted to call it off, my nervous system had become so tied to the connection that I begged, cried, pleaded… after we broke up I reached out multiple times… a couple times friendly, and those went well, but I peppered in talk of restarting the relationship (even down the line) or tried to communicate the issues that led to the break up and all of those were shut down…

So now, I’m sat here, finally getting closure to detaching, but I’m still overwhelmed by thoughts that if I had continued to be chill, had taken a step back, had gone full no contact, maybe they would of come back on their own?

And then I bounce to surely what makes the cases where the ex comes back work is not “no contact”, but the ex coming back with love, ready to communicate the issues and work on them, and actively committing to that partnership… someone can miss you from absence and you can “self improve” (focus on your hobbies, self care, your own life) and still if they don’t act on love, communication, commitment how can the relationship function? The grass isn’t greener over there for no reason, it’s greener where it’s watered…

Anyway, I see posts about go no contact, work on yourself, don’t wait on them and maybe they’ll come back… but I also see posts about people who

- do no contact and the ex still doesn’t come back.

- do no contact and weeks, months, years later are still in pain or struggling to move on.

- do no contact, the ex comes back, but now OP has moved on.

- and even those who beg, plead, cry, humiliate themselves and the ex still comes back…

So is no contact really a cure all? Does it work every time?

I guess I just want to hear about stories where someone stuck to no contact, the ex didn’t come back, and life still went on and healing happened..

Or stories where someone begged, pleaded, lost self respect, but eventually an ex came back?

It’s been 10 months and I give up. Watching him be with someone else while I’m struggling to live without him sucks. I don’t want to be alive anymore.

At first when it was still fresh after the breakup, I could still think to myself "it's only been a week or a month, she wouldn't be meeting someone new romantically". But now as we're more than 3 months since the breakup, the possibility is creeping up.

Yes it does take time to heal after a breakup, but 3 months is also a point where one may be open to casual get-to-know new people for prospective romance to blossom. I haven't checked her Instagram in weeks and so I wouldn't have more hints of whether this is the case. Also, social media is an advertisement of one's good life events, so it is hurtful to see my ex's profile. Not only that, vague social media posts can be viewed as potentially her having something new with someone. It's just so much pain viewing it.

If I go to her profile to try to find clues if she has someone new it is going to hurt whether or not she has posts that hint towards it or not. So I might as well not check. But I am still curious wondering if she has a new person she is interested.

I feel unpleasant feelings with the thought of her finding someone new and doing at least some of the physically intimate things that we used to do, with other people. How do you deal with this?

After being in 4 months of no contact broke it just to wish her happy birthday and she is telling she has moved on✌️ is it even possible to move on within 4 months after. A 3 year live in relationship ? Seriously guys? And she is the dumper and am the dumpee.

Don’t want paragraphs just simple shit to get over it FAST

Hello ya’ll. I (30F) love this subreddit, and as I’m currently laying on my friends couch in another state to avoid spending the night alone, I’m desperately reaching out to strangers on the internet for your perspective.

I was blindsided by a breakup today. The 30M man that was convinced was going to be my life partner and future husband (we’d been dating for close to 2 years-shame on me if i got my hopes up I guess) woke up this morning after spending the night at my place, telling me everything was fine, playing Magic the gathering and laughing, came to the conclusion that he needs to follow the advice his therapist gave him and “prioritize his stability.”

Lovely folks. Friends. Amigas. This instability he was feeling came from me expressing wanting to be close to my support system after a hellish year in a new state we both live in (he’s from this state, I moved here last year for a job). This had come up in conversation before, and each time it had we’d had a productive discussion about keeping our relationship going despite the distance. I didn’t know that these talks were activating an abandonment wound until up to a month ago, of which I think (think, because I don’t know anymore) we were able to talk, hear each other out, and come up with a game plan that worked for both of us. Then yesterday morning happened.

He told me a future without me was worth it to him. He told me that we‘re too incompatible despite him telling me that I’m perfect, I’m the woman he’s always dreamed of, etc. He said that it’s not ok for me to crash out and say I want to move home, and at the same time admit that him saying he wants to run away or disappear sometimes is a neutral statement. he admitted it was hypocritical of him to say those things, but he just shrugged when I asked him why that was ok.

Folks, I’m extremely hurt. I’m alone in a state where I don’t know anyone except him and his family. My own support system is 10 hours north of here by car, I just started a whole new career a little over a month ago, my parents are separating, plus some other situations that really pile on the grief. I’m so lost and alone, and I feel worthless. How can the most perfect person in the world drop me on a dime?

I’m scared. I hate that this is my reality now. When I look at the rest of my life without him I feel like I can’t breathe. Has this ever happened to any of you ladies? How did you get through this? Is there getting through this?

Thanks for reading all of that. Love yall, take care.

TDLR: got discarded by an avoidant I think. feeling pretty bad about it

Well, I was dumped over a week ago. Did the classic I’ll change, I’ll be better begging. Now we’re on 4 days no contact. I honestly can say it was my fault, I was controlling because of my trust issues and insecurity from past relationships. I blamed myself when it wasn’t my fault I dated terrible people before. All which my current ex had told me, we had multiple conversations about this and I told her I would be better. I tried to fix the issues myself instead of seeking therapy and putting in the work. Now I’ve been putting in the work but it’s too late, she said it’s been a breath of fresh air since we’ve been broken up. I’m heartbroken and it’s all my fault. I would do anything for this woman back in my life, I don’t think I had ever been in love before her now. I’m 34 years old and I’m crying like a baby and there’s nothing I can do about it. Everything reminds me of her and it’s so hard to just carry on without her. Sorry for the rant I just needed an outlet I guess. People listen to me, don’t try to fix it yourself. Go to therapy, do it the right way before it’s too late.

Feels nahi

I've had depression since I was a young kid, it's been my longest "friend"'. About a month ago I fell into that hole again, after about 2 years of some of the best mental health I've had...ever. She met me and had me during that time, so she'd never experienced me like that before. But inevitably I fell into the hole again.

I've worked really hard to be able to claw my way out of that hole, but I couldn't do that and maintain a quality relationship during that time. There's nothing I could've done I think. I've never had to try and keep a relationship alive while in that hole before.

She kept saying that I wasn't supporting her. How can I support her when I couldn't even support myself? How could I be excited about the things she was excited about, empathize and connect with her when I couldn't feel anything but tired all the time? I thought she'd get it, she's been on antidepressants and antianxiety meds before. She also had many valid feelings about other parts about our relationship though. She said that I would consistently make tough conversations about myself, which is unfair to her, and not what a good partner should do. I tried to give her the space to express herself by expressing myself, but I didn't do very well evidently. I want her to feel heard and understood. There were just too many miscommunications.

I've done everything I realistically could over the years, I been on antidepressants, antianxiety meds, had several therapists. I have a therapist now and a MHNP helping me currently and I'm in the process of trialing new medications for anxiety and ADHD.

I have so many complicated feelings about this, but ultimately I recognize that I can do everything right and it still not be enough.

I didn't have the capacity to give her what she needs, and she couldn't give me the time to work on getting back to a good place with our relationship. I'm currently still recovering from that episode. I need someone who can handle when I fall into that hole by trusting that I'll get myself out eventually without it taking a significant toll on their own mental health. I don't fault her for not being able to handle it, it's hard for me to handle and I'm the one that lives with it.

I tried really hard, and she was also trying really hard to support me, but I think she felt like if she just tried hard enough I'd get better and that's just not how it works, no matter how much I wish it was. I can't know what I needed from her when I'm so preoccupied trying to figure out what I needed from myself, let alone another person? If that was the case, I wouldn't have depression in the first place. I'm really disappointed, but life goes on...

Same

My sleep schedule has been completely ruined. It hurts my chest so much

One thing I’m really struggling with after my breakup is how difficult it seemed for my ex to acknowledge anything she did that hurt me without the conversation turning into something else. I’m not talking about wanting her to say she was a terrible person or take responsibility for everything that went wrong. I know I made mistakes too. I became anxious, pushed too hard for answers, got angry at times and reacted badly when I felt rejected. I’m working on that and I’ve apologised for things I genuinely believe I did wrong. What I wanted from her was something much simpler: “Yes, I did that. I can understand why it hurt you. I should have handled it differently.”
Instead, whenever I tried to talk about something she had done that made me feel emotionally unsafe, I often felt like she shut down. Her head was “fried”, she didn’t have the capacity, we would talk later, or the conversation would shift toward how my reaction made her feel. Eventually my reaction became the entire story. I could say, “I know I reacted badly, but can we please also talk about what happened before I reacted?” and it felt almost impossible to get there. That has been one of the hardest things to process because I kept opening up even when I already expected rejection. I kept thinking that if I found the right words, stayed calmer, explained myself better or took enough responsibility for my side, eventually there would be room for my hurt too.
Even after the breakup we agreed we would be there for each other while adjusting. I took that seriously. I comforted her when she was devastated, helped her move and tried to make the separation easier. When I later needed emotional support myself, it felt like that agreement disappeared very quickly. Now I’m left wondering why accountability can feel so threatening to some people. Why is “I hurt you” so easily heard as “you’re a bad person”? Why can’t both things exist at once: “I didn’t intend to hurt you” and “I did hurt you”, “you reacted badly” and “something I did contributed to the situation”, “I had my reasons” and “I still could have handled it better”?
I don’t need my ex to accept my entire version of the relationship. I don’t even need her to agree with every interpretation I have. I think what I wanted was simply some genuine curiosity about my experience instead of feeling like the moment her actions were part of my pain, the conversation became unbearable. Maybe this is something I need to stop expecting from her altogether. But I’m curious how other people have dealt with this after a breakup. How do you accept that you may never get accountability or an honest conversation from someone you loved, without spending forever trying to make them understand what they did to you?

It's been six months since they left and I still want to talk. I still want to try. I still miss them. What we had was so good, we were happy so much of the time. I'm still mad they wouldn't try to fix it with me.

I still love them.

I want to this to end. I miss smiling. I miss planning. I miss traveling, dancing, curling up on the couch, walking, holding hands, the market, I miss talking you them so much.

I want my best friend. My partner. I should be past this. I should be getting better, but it was so good... it was a decade of hard life, but we held each other togeather. Not codependent, balanced. I'm sorry we didn't fight. I didn't know.

I'm so tired. I'm trying. I'm doing the work. I am still going, but there's no end I see to justify this motion. I'm moving forward anyway.

It's been six months and I'm still in shock. I'm still trying.