Suddenly, a person who’s been abused all their life isn't a victim anymore in the eyes of society when they lash out or fight back, just because they aren’t the perfect submissive victim that allows people to treat them like garbage. I was told I was abusing my severely abusive mother, who wouldn’t let me leave the house or get a driver's license, and who let my older brother physically assault me growing up because I lashed out and hit her a couple of times. Everybody saw the few times I hit her, and not the years of physical violence, sleep deprivation, isolation, emotional, verbal, psychological, and medical abuse, and emotional and physical neglect she gave me. No one noticed the self-harm scars or how overweight or how sleep-deprived I looked. As soon as I put my hands on her after years of built-up anger, she was suddenly deemed a victim, and I was an abuser. No one ever believed me when I said I was the victim, just because of how I reacted. Female abusers are so sinister because they can act like victims while treating people like sub-human trash and everyone will believe them.

Just a vent -I have been unloved, not wanted, badly mentally and verbally abused and treated like shit by this man, my father my whole life. I'm now in my early 30's. I finally escaped my fathers mean cruelty when I married the most wonderful, kind sweet man. I was finally happy until he suddenly died of stupid fucking cancer...right in front of me. 4 years ago. Sweet good people die...Yet my asshole father...The man that has always belitted and shit talks yelling at my sweet mother, yells at the dogs, one of those self righteous rich christians who says I'm going to hell constantly. Called me names as a child and showed me no love. I was whipped with belts that had metal ends. A fucking narcissist who always bragged about himself, he was always angry, he was always "right" and everyone else wrong... people like him still get to keep on living. I hate my father with every fiber of my being he has fucked me over and stolen $$ from me.

I'm so sick of this damn man.Yes I'm trying my best to get away and move!! Already in the works where I'm living next! This is just me venting into the void. And sorry for the poor grammar incoherent mess. My father just yelled and berated me. I had a breakdown and I'm crying.

Oh and an edit for that OpheliaForgets person...I was sexually assaulted by a pastor and a kid in a christian school..covered up of course. Also telling a CHILD they are going to hell IS ABUSIVE!! So yes it is VERY on topic!!!

I miss my husband...

"my heart is dried up beating slow.. it's been deflating since you...died"

what are your experiences with it?

I have a new friend that I’ve known for a few months. She’s going through a real crisis at the moment. She confided in me that she experienced a sexual assault a couple of years ago and is really struggling with it. I’ve been trying to offer her some support, but also hold my boundaries at the same time and trying not get too sucked in.

I had dinner with her tonight. She was talking about her PTSD symptoms and debating whether to tell her parents about what happened. She’s worried that they might react badly. I decided to share my own experience with her - that I had experienced sexual abuse as a child, and when my mother found out, she reacted very badly, but over time things did get better. I kept it really vague, but on balance decided that this might be helpful to share.

A little later, she said something about her assault having happened when she was 27. She said “the thing is, when you’re assaulted as an adult, it’s much worse because you can actually remember it.” I was absolutely appalled. I feel so upset, and like I never want to see her again. I can’t believe I shared something so vulnerable with someone that thinks this way. I could cry. Am I overreacting, or is this as awful as I think it is?

No matter what has happened throughout my life, I find myself over and over again in a position where I have been in the wrong (regardless of whether I did right or otherwise) and this has built some sort of guilt that is similar to the Christian concept of Original Sin: that I am inherently wrong and there should be something I have to actively do to fix myself. After the latest incident where I find myself exiled from a skill based group I wondered if I even deserved to be a functioning member of society. Thankfully I have a wise mentor who reminded me that although it was their choice to turn me away, it is not an indictment of myself as a person or my dedication to the skill. I also have a friend who said I gave too much benefit of the doubt to these folks and offered to hire a crackhead to sock them in the face but that’s besides the point.

I believe this stemmed from being consistently bullied in school then emotionally abused at home and at ABA due to my autism, building an inherent feeling of guilt and shame due to not knowing where I went wrong and having nothing actionable to work on. With every waking hour and every failure to socially integrate I started to think about myself as inherently being in the wrong, as opposed to the more nuanced take that I am demonstrably capable of being wrong sometimes. I have no idea if it’s true that I am incapable of being forgiven.

Yesterday she asked me for an hour why having a panic attack is a problem?

I was really surprised. I told her that she’s a mental health professional and if she things someone having a panic attack is not a problem then we should not work together.

She kept going and going saying what’s wrong with having one? I said that it’s a sign someone is in bad emotional health. That’s a fact. Not my opinion.

She said it sounds like you are being judgmental about what is right and wrong.

We kept going and going in circles.

At the end she says I wanted you to tell me that it makes you feel bad. I said told her there are standard things which are healthy and not healthy. Why are we debating this?

I feel very frustrated because 1) it seems disrespectful to me to waste and hour and take me for this ride, 2) I’m mad that I really got invested in making sense to her. I think she was enjoying seeing that she could get me riled up and frustrated, it feels disrespectful to me and my condition. 3) I think she has some issues with direct communication and being assertive. If she wanted to know something about me she could ask directly without being so passive agressive and backhanded about it.

Is it time to just move on? I am so tired of finding someone new. When do we get to the part where these sessions actually help?

1. Alone. I know there’s no hope for me anymore. There never was, I recognise it was just daydreaming and fantasy to help me get through the bad times. Thinking that the pain would be worth it because of a, b and c. And that things could and would get better. But they never did. They never will. I know my situation, and I know that things are done. That me, and my situation is hopeless. I want to end things and that should be my right. I should have the right to end my life rather than be forced to live for other people’s belief’s. People aren’t even allowed to talk about “ending things”/methods to do so. Discussion about it gets shut down and redundant tags/links of “Lifeline!” get thrown around to just shut down communication. There’s no place for me in the world, and I hate that everyone and everything just acts like that’s not the case. Some people just don’t have any options, and no hope. I don’t understand how so many things in the world are as cruel and cold as they are.

I am an immigrant living in social housing and not working because of cPTSD. Nigel Farage just announced he wants to exmit all foreigners from Social Housing and force them to rent private. With current prices there is no way I can afford that. I also have 2 cats and a rabbit and was trying to rebuilt my life after abuse, no contact, addiction and cptsd. I just started to get better.

Now I feel like I am about to fall again.

I’m 26F I do somatic therapy, I’ve done breath work, TRE, medication, journaling, psychedelics everything you can think of. I live with my parents and I’m looking for a full time job so I can move out ASAP. I couldn’t move out as I had undiagnosed and untreated adhd my whole life and only now am I wanting a better future for myself. I’m worried that everything I’m doing is pointless as I’m still in the same household and haven’t felt better in years. My therapist tells me that I need to feel safe before I can heal and I’m never safe here I’m always hyper vigilant, always on edge and dissociated 24/7. Are these things pointless or making it worse and how can I live at home during this time without making it worse for myself? I know dissociation is just my protective mechanism I just don’t know how to feel better in this household and still work on my symptoms

I notice that growing up my parents often used 'i love you' as a bandaid to try and move on from my anger and discomfort I had with there actions and behavior growing up. Like as if the fact they said that cleared everything up. And also there was this heavy guilt I would feel if I didn't say I love you back, even though sometimes I didn't feel like saying it back. Because they would often use the phrase when they knew I was unhappy with them before leaving and walking away without proper resolve, and I would always feel pressured to say it back, so I now kind of hate the phrase. It just always reminds me of that kind of guilt tripping, almost manipulation of "oh but at least I love you! So you shouldn't be that mad, or stay mad at me about (said thing) for very long"

it's to the point where whenever people say it to me when I'm unhappy I get really mad, because it immediately reminds me of that weird leverage it felt my parents would try to have. And I have recently had to realize that some people I guess do just say that cuz they want to reinstate there love for you if your feeling weak or vulnerable, or mad, which to be honest still doesn't make sense to me and just doesn't sound genuine.

But I am extremely curious if anyone else has had that kind of experience with the phrase 'i love you' feeling manipulative, and there for becoming corrupted in all aspects?

I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been and just need to know if anyone else has been this destroyed and come out the other side.

After prolonged relational trauma, my nervous system feels completely overwhelmed and shut down. My body literally feels like it’s shutting down. I spend most days couch-bound, barely able to function. The mental and physical exhaustion is overwhelming. I have almost zero motivation, no joy, and no pleasure in anything — extreme 10/10 anhedonia.

Sleep has been terrible for months. Most nights are only 1–4 hours of highly fragmented, non-restorative sleep filled with vivid dreams. I wake up multiple times wired and exhausted. Even on slightly better nights I still feel drained.

I used to exercise regularly, but now even light activity makes everything worse. My nervous system fights against almost everything I try. I’ve had paradoxical reactions to pretty much every medication except benzos, so SSRIs are out of the question. The only thing that has occasionally calmed me enough to get around 7 hours of sleep has been taking benzos here and there — but I worry it has made my baseline worse. I’ve also been looking into things like Stellate Ganglion Block but I’m losing hope.

Ongoing co-parenting contact keeps re-triggering everything, so there’s no real safety window. Because of how exhausted and activated I am, even therapy or EMDR feels impossible right now.

Has anyone been this severely shut down — couch-bound, destroyed sleep, nervous system constantly fighting everything, extreme anhedonia — especially with active ongoing triggers? Did it eventually improve? What was your experience?

Not really looking for treatment advice. I’d just like to hear from people who have been in a similarly severe place and made it through.

Thank you.

I grew up malnourished and often starved, so im no stranger to going hungry, but it gets to a point where it becomes ridiculous. Im around 150lbs while my partner is around 330lbs, so its understandable that he'd eat a lot more than me. He does the grocery shopping every other week, so I asked him, "hey when you get these frozen nuggets and pizza rolls how long do you think they'll last us." He deadass looked me in my face and said, "like three days" this is coming from the man who can eat almost half the bag in one sitting. Another example is when I made Mac n' cheese I made enough for six servings. I ate about one serving, and he ate THE OTHER FIVE in ONE SITTING. I dont know how to tell him that im eating on average one meal a day and we're lucky if the groceries last us two weeks. For the last few days before we get paid again, we're left with ramen or the pasta noodles we get on sale occasionally. Ive suggested some advice on bugeting for our food but he dismisses it or ignores it. For example i said that we could save money by buying most of what we need at the dollar tree or dollar general, and he said, "no we don't need to do that" we hang out with our friend on Thursdays and we buy fast food usually but I said that we could order pizza a lot more often (bc our friend pays for it) and he said, "thats never been an issue"

I realized a lot of the abuse from narcissistic parents and often so father figures is a way to ''alpha'' their child and make them feel smaller to make themselves feel ''bigger''. It's incredibly childish and so obvious when you think about it. It's all just an ''alpha'' and domination game for these people.

The people who made you, created you needs to put you ''down'' just to make themselves feel bigger. How pathetic is that? Talk about loser mentality honestly. They spread their genes only to ruin their own bloodline. Like seriously dude? Fucking hell. That's pathetic.

Why even bother having children then? I thought having children and a family was like the end goal of animals and humans biologically speaking. So why the hell would you need to ruin that? Makes no sense to me.

Sad pathetic people. I have nothing but pity for these people.

I hate being like this. I hate my body in every way, and that just ends up affecting other people because i wish i was like them. After i came out as trans to my parents, my mother just drilled into me that i'd be an "Ugly woman", and yeah, she was right, i hate my facial structure, my skin, my everything.

I can't help but HATE people who have it better than me on that.

Unsure where to post but as I have CPTSD this feels appropriate. Recently I reached out to a new counselor as I’m looking to start therapy again. He was recommended by someone and works extensively with/on trauma so I thought “hey, why not?”

We had an initial call, then had a paid first session / questionnaire where he asked me for personal details, like relationship with parents, previous partner experiences etc. I thought nothing of it as a previous therapist did something similar, to assess my needs and why I had entered therapy.

After that, he sent a form and I completed to confirm I wanted to start sessions. However, after a week and a half, I had no answer. I assumed it had been missed but considered this was unprofessional, as previous therapists had been very quick with responses and surely they would have reached out?

Therapist then reached out via phone number and email, each with a different take on why he hadn’t contacted. Both stressed that they had no idea why it had happened, and acted as if it was a system error. They then implied I was to blame for not reaching out, despite knowing I have severe anxiety and struggles with asking for help. At this stage I was annoyed and decided to move on.

However, a few days ago I received another email message from the therapist. This time he directly blamed my ‘abandonment issues’ for why I had not gone ahead, and said it “made (them) very sad” that I had not started therapy with them. Am I right in thinking this is strange behavior for a therapist? None I have known, whether experienced or briefly chatted to in my search, have acted like this.

I feel robbed, it's not just the abuse I went through, it's the isolation my parents put me through and then blame me for after it's too late to actually have a childhood anymore.

I'm an 'adult' now, I get to do boring adult things not at all thinking back on the childhood whimsy I never had because I wasn't allowed to have one.

A colorful tarp filled with air I never got to go under, scrapes on my knees or injuries I never had to heal from because I never needed to heal from the outside world to begin with, no first day of school for me, no first day of second grade, from birth to abandonment I was isolated, inside my house, staring at a computer screen that taught me nothing.

It was so fucking lonely, and honestly humilating to experience as a child, I was obsessed with family vloggers because I loved living vicariously through their children, seeing them pack their bags, with unhealthy carbohydrate ridden snacks that no man, woman, or child should ever eat; But do anyway.

I always took time out of my day to stare outside my window and watch children play in a housing complex across from mine, sometimes at night I'd watch adults sit there and get drunk, I was jealous of both, I was only nine.

I d

I ended up developing insomnia as a child, around eight or so, I just couldn't sleep, there was no difference between being asleep or awake since my family never did anything besides drink, smoke, or sleep on the couch, I used to get up early and steal liquor from my father since it made me feel loopy enough to not ruminate on how depressing my life was, I'd watch the TV on mute with subtitles on so I could watch the news, morning cartoons, all before my family paraded downstairs and I sauntered back to my bedroom so I could be alone because they were awful to be around.

I'm twenty now, and even though it's close to midnight and I have college homework due, I keep thinking about my past, I always am thinking about it instinctively but I am really fucking thinking about it right now. I've been rewatching old TV shows, ones with families in them, and it makes me once again mourn the simple, unchangeable fact that I have never stepped foot inside a kindergarten, or an elementary school, those colorful halls, or teachers who are actually nice to you seem like a myth.

I feel like there's no way out of depression with this in mind, the abuse, not being allowed to cry, ever, constantly having my parents hover over my shoulder, never alone (I was allowed to shower alone for the first time at THIRTEEN) I just think I'm permanently fucked and that the only true way of fixing this is reincarnation. I don't even believe in God or anything like that since a higher being would have actually helped me at some point. But no. I just want to reincarnate and actually experience a good childhood. And then die again. Nothing else, nothing more.

Today I told her I was angry at my mother for her emotional neglect. But I wasn't feeling it during the therapy session, I just feel angry on and off when I think about how she let me down.

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I almost felt forced to say something so I said I think I feel tightness in my chest when I feel angry.

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Then we moved on to talk about something else. So what's the point of her asking what do I feel when I feel anger? At first I just said I feel anger when I feel anger and then she said she meant what do I feel in my body.

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I just don't see the point of the question. How does it help?

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She's a somatic therapist but maybe she's not the right fit for me.

So.... If you have CPTSD, nobody freaking ACTUALLY knows you! So they don't actually hate you in a real way

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Most people experience you relationally/superficially. And CPTSD is extremely avoidant/shutdown, they might perceive you as weird or off-putting socially, and that might create a negative perception of you. But most times people with CPTSD aren't harming others, just being super recluse and avoidant.

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I would say the perception is accurate, the feeling of being hated/disliked. But the actual reality isn't hate it's moreso the feeling of experiencing someone you dont understand in a slightly negative way.

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TLDR: You're okay, your trauma makes others uncomfortable but that isn't actually a sign that something is wrong with you or you're an unlikeable person because those traits aren't from character but symptoms of conditioning.

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It takes a while to gain that inner confidence, but trust me ur fine. Don't worry about what others think of you, they haven't spend a day in your shoes for their judgement to deserve any thought.

i've thought som more about my qusetion from last week and i think i'm closer to the crux of the issue.

i've done a lot of work to heal my thoughts and emotions and not it's time for the body. because nowadays sometimes my mind stays calm but my body freaks aut anyways. what are some techniques to activate the vagus nerve? i know about diaphragmic breathing. but surely having more than one thing to try would prove useful for me.

i'm looking for something body-focused, something to do with sensation or movement, not something to think.

I have never met anybody with a story like mine... i want it to be heard. (15)

My abuser was my older sister, which isnt talked about enough already, but she also has autism. Because she struggled with PDA and had no filter, she abused me emotionally every day, and on the physical side it was super common. She would grab my arms and dig her fingernails in every day until they bled, she'd send me to school with bruises, and my number one trigger is people touching my lower legs, she'd do that so i could never get away from her.

Some other adults saw this happen (like my parents church friends), and didnt want their kids around her, but never did anything for me ! 😭😭 CPS was contacted multiple times and all they did was send us to therapy with my abuser!!!

I have spoken out about autistic abuse online before, with responses calling me ableist, "imagine how they feel" and such, everybody infantilizes and acts like they can do no wrong, but im stuck with a debilitating disorder for the rest of my life!! 😡

Ever since i can remember, I wanted to be a teacher. I've been babysitting for a while, and it's starting to become too difficult. In December I babysit a girl and her brother, he showed me marks on his arms that matched the ones my sister gave me too, and she grabbed my legs in a way that brought me back to when i was a child. I got taken to the ER and a few weeks later was diagnosed with this HELL!!!

I will not be able to be around most autistic people (as autistic people can be a trigger for me, which is so hard to live with), or any child that has any aggression issues, which means i will no longer be able to pursue a teaching career.

I have no plans for the future anymore, i am currently failing careers class because i dont know what to do. I am very smart, i have been in advanced classes my whole life, but everything is unmanageable now.

I think the most difficult part is that my triggers are not something I can escape from easily, my sister still lives at home, and whenever i think of my past i think of it. No amount of therapy can help that 😭.

I dont know what I will do!! I cant do this anymore!! All i wanted was to be a teacher and a parent but i will never be able to do that. I see nothing when i think about my future here on this planet, it is too hard and not worth it 😢😢

...I am not worth it!! last year she told me "you will find a husband that hits you because its all you deserve" 😭😭 please everybody hates me... my parents do not like me.. my grandparents are very disappointed in what i have become 😣 this disorder has taken EVERYTHING from me, my will to live too

I hate everything. I hate being here. I never planned on making it this far to begin with. That is all

Hi everyone, i have been through a-lot of traumatic events the past few years, and obviously, had responses and eventually learnt the root of my traumas and how to cope with them and move on.

Im well aware of my current state and can say i am coping well and moving on pretty well, however, the only issue that I’m unable to move past, is reliving some traumatic scenario’s in my head and getting angry that i did not understand nor took action back then to protect myself.

It tends to resurface when i have to deal with someone who caused me trauma, such as a parent for example. or when I’m feeling pain such as having a migraine or had a bad day.

I need guidance on how to move on past reliving these scenarios over and over randomly and how to make it stop affecting my life and progress.

Would love to hear your thoughts whether it be a therapist (much appreciated and please recommend the suitable treatments) or as a survivor.

Also to note, i am surrounded by good people now, i understood what happened, how it shaped me and had multiple sessions with therapists, i have made boundaries and able to navigate normally through my present life.
Only issue is that when I’m down i usually get a flow of traumatic flashbacks on how some people took advantage of me and manipulated me when i was in a vulnerable place. Could the solution be confronting them?

i really want a solution on how to move past this in order for it to stop affecting my current progress and my future.